Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
Chapter XXIX: Your barefoot tracks in the Snow
The cold lingered in the room, and her shivering body told her it was time get up. But it would not obey. Actually with all the will of the world she still wouldn't be able to get up. Shutting her eyes, feeling the throbbing pain in her chest, she tried to fight the feeling that was taking over. Letting out another sob, her fist clenched on the pillow that now only vaguely smelled like Haku. The only warmth came from Zabuza, who was still unconscious. His fever was running high again and he hadn't moved at all since she had put him down. Staring at his tired face that held no life, she let out another sob she had been trying to keep in. The reality she found herself in was more than she could bare. Every waking hour this night she had to remind herself of a self-made promise.
He really hated it when she cried.
She promised him she wouldn't cry anymore. Like she had promised to take care of Zabuza. But no matter how hard she tried she couldn't find reasons to get up, to move. The overwhelming sadness paralyzed her. Her mind was a cage of darkness, swirling with memories and promises. She didn't know with whom she was pleading but she kept begging to make it all stop. The hurt, the pain. That this was all just a dream, that she was going to wake up soon. Hoping it was all just a lie, a trick.
'He didn't die…' She cried, hot tears trailing down her cheek. 'Please, tell me he didn't die…' Her hand reached out to touch Zabuza's face, holding it. She didn't know what she expected but he stayed unmoved and her pleas stayed unheard. The usual harsh features on his face were gone, any form of expression lacked and it made her feel even more desperate. 'Please…' She repeated in a whisper. Crawling closer to him, feeling his burn skin on her. She felt so very lost.
Three days had passed and Sakura somehow had managed to hold on. To wake up and get out of bed and take care of Zabuza, who had yet to wake. His wounds weren't healing as fast as she would've liked but there wasn't much she could do, she lacked skil. Most of the time she would patiently sit next to him, on a chair, staring at his features that never seemed to move except when he would let out a cry of despair or when a painful grimace passed his face. There wasn't much more she could do and she had little supply to help him. All she could do was hope and fight the overwhelming sadness that would take over from time to time. She didn't know how to hold her, she felt numb and everything seemed to have no meaning anymore. If it weren't for Zabuza…
She let out a sigh, averting her eyes from the sight she had been looking at for hours. Glancing around room, she noted that it was dirtier then when they had arrived. The floor was filthier, splashed with blood and everything was under a thick layer of dust because the stove that never stopped burning, unless she felt asleep, which she rarely did. The blade of the Kubikiribōchō looked dull and broken yet it still gleamed at her, almost as if calling. But she ignored it and gazed into the other direction. Letting the sword be, the blood cloths and other garbage that was in the room.
She couldn't remember the last time she ate but then she couldn't ever imagine feeling hunger again. She didn't feel anything. Not the pain in her back from sitting slouched on a wooden old chair that was most uncomfortable, not the pain in her fingers and feet that had not been healed nor properly taken care of ever since she had dragged herself, Zabuza and the sword in. Not the pain of her own poorly healed wounds.
Feeling unsteady, she got up from her chair but her legs gave out, landing with her knees on the hard wood floor. Not caring about the pain she was feelings she simply crawled forward, holding onto the bed, placing her head on it. Carefully grabbing Zabuza's hand and simply holding it, she kept staring at it. How those very strong hands were now defeated and useless. She longed to be hold by someone, anyone. Her thumb caressed the raw skin of his knuckles, she squeezed his hand reassuringly. As if checking that this wasn't her imagination.
She thought of her last embrace… Kakashi. A part of her had begun to long for him and missed him greatly. Her imagination took her to a surreal place where he would be here with her, holding her, helping her. She felt herself shiver again, holding on to the bed for warmth. Though the stove was still on and it was actually quite warm and cozy in the room, she only felt cold these days. Her eyes followed the bandages from his waist all the way up to his face. Focusing on his eyes, a mantra repeated in her head, pleading him to just open them and be here with her. It was as if she was staring at just the shell of the man he was, she wanted him to be here. She wanted at least someone to be here with her.
Slowly her eyelids felt heavy and exhaustion took over her movements and thoughts. Though she was drowsy and perhaps a little delusional, she kept looking at his eyes, fighting the sleep. Asking him one more time if he'd open them but she didn't know if he'd listen or not because soon her eyelids did no longer obey and remained closed. Not being able to help herself anymore she let herself succumb to darkness, hoping she would not wake up again. Wanting to stay in this nothingness where there was no hurt and no pain. Where there was simply nothing.
Staring at the lovely creature next to him, he had to take another deep breath to keep himself out of his coma. His body felt heavy and immobile and he knew he wasn't ready yet. He wasn't ready to get out of his comatose state where he fought of the urge to not simply stay in the darkness that seemed to have set itself permanently around him. His hand unravelled itself from hers. His fingertips touched the soft skin of her hand, traveling up a little, feeling the bones of her fragile wrist. Touching her face, feeling her soft hot breath on his skin, making him aware he was still alive. Eventually, like always, he was drawn to her hair that lay sprayed out on the bed. Her position seemed most uncomfortable and he suddenly had the worrying feeling that something perhaps was wrong, that she was ill herself. But when he saw the glistering of tears that had been shed on her cheek, he knew. The loss of Haku was something so heavy he didn't quite know himself, if he allowed himself to give in to the feelings of despair and sadness, he'd ever have the strength to pull back out. Experience told him it helped and it would make him move on but never in his life had he cared about anyone more than his pupil. The image of the young boy he'd first met was so far apart from the last image he had left him with.
He was above all… family of some sorts. A brother. A friend. A person to help you through life. Though he had been harsh on him sometimes, he always accepted it with the most grateful smile. Always, as if reminding him that he was overjoyed to be a part of his life, his demon existence. And that all his bad behavior, all his flaws and anger was simply a part of him which he accepted.
He had fought it long and hard but he had to acknowledge what Haku once had said to him. That they had the same eyes, the same pain, loss and loneliness. That it connected them and proved that family is not something you have to be by blood. Never having family himself, he found that hard to believe and mostly snickered whenever he'd made such sentimental statements. Haku, again, would just smile. Only know he noted how mature that smile was, like a parent smiling at his child, who would not listen but one day would understand the meaning of his words. Zabuza had to close his eyes at that thought, the light was just too much to bare. Haku had been far too wise, too kind and precious… and he had tried to change him into something he was purely himself. He had tainted him with his own greed and selfishness and Haku had accepted that all and obeyed, all ever asking in return was his companionship, in spite of his horrible persona.
Opening his eyes, he felt his own warm tears stream over his face, uncontrollably, a tsunami of all the pain he felt. Glancing at the girl, his hand grabbed her again, holding on tightly. His vision turning more and more blurred. But he felt such overwhelming feelings, loss but also gratitude. Of all the thing Haku had done for him, nothing he could recuperate in any way, he had given him something so precious, he could not believe it nor dare to accept it. He didn't deserve it. Not her. Not Haku.
He didn't deserve Haku's final gift, though he understood what he had tried to do he couldn't help but feel responsible for his death and her loss. And there for he needed to suffer, not be taken care of. He had stood between them just because he felt excluded, back then it had felt as some sort of punishment. But now he would do anything to have that feeling instead of the torn up feelings he was having inside of him now. He couldn't accept such a thing… He didn't deserve her.
He was a complete incompetent man when it came down to taking care of someone, so much had proved that. And it was unfair to ask her to take care of him when he wasn't able to do the same for her.
He stared at pink-haired girl that had stumbled into his hands such a long time ago. Her features were nothing of how a Shinobi should look. Too fragile looking, to girly and innocent… Like some high Lord's daughter who'd one day marry a fine man and would never have to worry about the rest of the world. Yet here she was in his hand, bruised and beaten, again a person tainted by him. Though… She held more depth, more kindness then any of those girls he had met, and that had nothing to do with him.
Settling down, he slowly got back the control of his emotions. Feeling his heart race in his chest, he took deep heavy breaths to calm him. He could feel his body shiver and be warm at the same time. Energy was slowly slipping away from him, as was his consciousness so he settled for staring at Sakura, who still lay unmoved with her head on the bed and her hand in his. Finding the image of this exceptional person, this angel of some sorts, a beautiful thing to see last.
When she woke up, Sakura felt the pain in her neck that momentarily paralyzed her and she had to make her movements slower in order to get up. Everything hurt, but the idea of physical pain just made her sigh, accepting it without aversion. Lifting her head up first, she rolled it around a few times, hoping to release the tension. Wanting to completely get up, she got on to one foot and just when she was about to push herself up on the bed, she noted a weight on her hand. Staring at Zabuza's hand then to his face and back, she concluded he had grabbed her hand in his sleep. She weakly smiled at the sight and immediately sat down next to him, placing the hand on her lap. Slowly caressing it, finding the little sign a light in her darkness. More like a distant glow really, but it was more than enough. Softly placing her hand on his face to see if he was still having a fever or not, she was surprised when she felt a substance meet her skin. It wasn't blood. Nor sweat. Pulling her hand back, her eyes widened and kept staring at the wetness in the palm of her hand. He had cried. He had been awake while she had been asleep and he had cried. And she hadn't even be able to comfort him.
Just how useless could one person be? She couldn't heal him! She couldn't comfort him! She couldn't take care of him! Balding her hand in a fist now, she felt a bitter and venomous acid in her body, a voice who told her how much of failure she was. How she not always disappointed herself, her team but now even Zabuza. And above all, Haku.
'I'm sorry.' She whispered, knowing it was useless and foolish to say. Zabuza was out again, and he was nothing with her lame apologies. He wasn't going to feel better. He wasn't going to wake up again. Shifting closer to him, 'Sorry… I'm so sorry.' Holding on to him, feeling a burning heat on her skin telling her to move, that his skin did not want her around. Jumping up, she stared at the unconscious man a few more minutes before turning around and grabbing a cloth to then run out of the house.
Tears were once again streaming of her face, it was a fact that they did not need a reason anymore to appear, they did it freely and effortlessly. Her bare feet met the ice cold ground but it was as if her mind was already numb and ignored the signals her body was sending her. Snow still surrounded them and a she could feel the sharp pain but she kept walking towards the river. Cleaning the cloth without much thought, she let herself cry again. Her vision blurred again, and she hated how she was not able to keep it in. Sobbing, she got up, cleaning her face with her ice cold and wet hands. Slowly she walked back into the house, now having a cold towel to place on him and having a bit more self-control.
Kakashi stared at his student, noting she hadn't even noticed his presence. Too consumed in her grief and pain. It made his heart ache. Though he wasn't sure if it was truly because of her grief or because of what she was grieving for. He still didn't completely understand, not her and not what he was doing. But he was always near. Though he wasn't always this close to the house. No, he couldn't bear the idea to sit around and wait for her when he was so close to her. All he knew was, Pakkun had told him that, Zabuza was still out. He told him he wasn't sure how Sakura was doing but that she didn't look well. But now he knew. She was falling apart. He knew how that felt, it started with a crumble but it ended with a chaos of feelings, suffocating and melancholic, pure and utter hopelessness.
He trembled from the cold and concluded he needed to let his own body rest as well. But his feet refused to move and his mind was still focused on what she could be doing inside of that house. What was going on, why she was so persistent to stay with him. He understood the promise but… He sighed, he knew all too well that whatever had happened between them, Haku and Sakura, he wouldn't understand until she told him, until she explained. Dragging his feet back to his own hide out, a small cave near the valley at the end of the river. He felt weak and sick, noting that he should've listened to his body and stay put but he just couldn't imagine not seeing her once a day at least. She hadn't come out of the house much so there would be long waits and many disappointed hours passed. She didn't look well, she looked far too fragile and pale. He hadn't seen her bring in food once since he had arrived.
Letting himself fall down on his uncomfortable bed, his sleeping back. He sighed, relieved he had managed to arrive and find the strength to make it. Sometimes he couldn't find the power to move. Lying on his back, he stretched out his one arm, staring at the hand she had healed. It was almost in perfect state again, it hardly hurt. His fist started to shake, and he wondered if it hadn't been better if she hadn't healed it.
Rin… Obito…
He hadn't thought about them much lately, all his thoughts had been consumed by Sakura. Or perhaps he wanted to avoid thinking about them. He had failed to protect her and bring her back. As a matter of fact, he had screwed up so royally, she'd rather stay with her captor then come back to him. It was all good and well to tell himself to wait and be understanding but who was he fooling? She didn't want to be with him. She wanted to stay with Zabuza.
Like Sasuke had rather go off with Orochimarun because he made him feel closer to his goal.
Like Naruto had gone with Jiraiya, because he was a far better teacher then him.
Just what type of teacher was he? His students had practically fled from him, without looking back. Then he just got mad at himself for daring to dwell in his own self-pity. Let's be honest, such a disappointed person should not be saddened by the thought of people leaving him, but happy. At least they understood he was no good and save them self from further hurt.
His was becoming to feel drowsy and his eyes rolled to the back of his head. He couldn't dwell on his self-pity feelings, he couldn't think anymore. His body decided it was enough for today and he found himself surrounded by darkness.
'Kakashi.' His gruff voice was an unwelcoming sound but he couldn't find a reason to keep his eyes closed either. Sighing, Kakashi slowly got up, hissing when he felt a sharp pain go through his body. Throwing the blanket off himself, he saw blood seep through his clothes. The cut on his side had opened again. Pakkun gave him a dull look but got up and helped him by grabbing his back pack. 'You need to go see a doctor.'
'Can't.' Kakashi simply answered, short and cold. Annoyed by the prospect of having to hear the same speech again, followed by the long conversation. Or rather argument.
'You're not going to return to Konoha?' He asked, his voice was softer, as if he was trying to avoid conflict.
Kakashi ignored him for a few minutes, focusing on the stitching his wound back up. After a long pause he answered, 'No.'
Pakkun remained quiet, simply nodding at the answer. It appeared he finally understood a little of what was going on but Kakashi fell the need to explain it to him. He hadn't bothered a few days ago and he hadn't understood himself, he still didn't, what exactly it was he was doing.
'No… I can't go back. I want to stay with her. Even if it means at a distance.' Kakashi softly spoke, picking up a dry cloth to dab the wound. 'I don't want to return without her and I have nothing in Konoha myself.'
'You'll be seen as a missing-nin.' Pakkun pointed out.
'I'm aware.' He nodded, looking up at the pug, who remained motionless and stoic.
'If you don't go to the nearest village and see a doctor…. In a few days you'll be officially reported as M.I.A.'
'It doesn't mean I'm betraying the village.' He shrugged.
'If you don't report though you can, they'll see it that way.' Pakkun said, staring at the small fire to keep them warm. Kakashi's eyes travelled to the flames as well, staring at the colors and feeling the heat, though only slightly, on his body.
'It doesn't matter.' He concluded. Pakkun said nothing on that and it just stayed silent for the longest time after that.
The dwelling thoughts and the memories of the past days made it hard for him to ever sleep peacefully, or just simply sleep. This calamity of thoughts, feelings and events he seemed to have no control of. Or at least not anymore, was something he couldn't place nor understand. He hadn't forgotten about Itachi and what he had said. He had to conclude the man was either psychic or just such a formidable analyst and that he had predicted this word by word.
…There will be a time when that what you always wanted to protect the most will be out of your reach to save….
Those words had swirled in his head endlessly and only now he finally understood that Sakura was exactly that. She was out of his reach to save. She did not want to be saved. Not by him. He had also said to set his priorities… Strangely he couldn't help but think he meant that he should go back to Konoha and forget about her. Though Itachi said he didn't care about Konoha, Kakashi had always found that hard to believe. As if… But that was another web he didn't want to get entangled with, he had his hand full of thing he could hardly grasp.
'Kakashi!' Pakkun jumped back in, his voice made Kakashi aware there was something wrong.
'What is it, Pakkun?'
'I think we need to do something for Sakura. I think Zabuza is stagnating. Or actually getting worse, his body will eventually collapse.'
Kakashi rose an eyebrow, the thought of Zabuza collapsing was very appealing, that meant she'd come home quicker. 'Let them be.' He answered, laying back down. He knew the answer came off as cold, and his motives weren't exactly kind but he couldn't help it. He wanted this to be over. He wanted her to come to him and go home with him.
'Kakashi…' He started again, 'I didn't say you should do something for Zabuza. I said we needed to do something for Sakura.' When Kakashi looked up from the corner of his eyes to Pakkun, who dryly asked, 'Are you becoming deaf? I know their names sound alike…'
'Pakkun.' He sighed, 'Quiet.' Shrugging off his words, he turned around and tried to sleep again.
'Sakura is on the verge of collapsing.' Pakkun said, sounding more serious again. 'If she doesn't eat and sleep a little she'll collapse before he does.'
That made him get back up and turn to look at the pug, who stayed quiet now and let the words sink in. Slowly getting up, he prepared himself to go out, not quite sure what exactly it was he was going to do but grabbing his backpack, just in case, for certainty.
He felt foolish. Above all it went in again everything he stood for. Or wanted to stand for. What was he doing here? He didn't belong here. The white scenery surrounding him almost fell surreal and his black cloak made him stand out, obvious he truly didn't belong in this clear landscape. Though the wrecked house in front of him stood out like sore thumb as well, at least it was covered in snow. The cold was absurd for the time of the year but it showed that those who pass, are most present when you need them to be. Though he had meant Haku, he couldn't help but feel as if he was the person who was being there for her. Pakkun told him she'd come out from time to time to get water but on all hours of the day. So he'd hope she'd come out before it was snowed under. Placing the package at the front door, in hopes that the snow wouldn't completely make it disappear at first sight, he slowly walked back. His heart throbbing in his chest, she was just behind that door. It took immense willpower for him to keep walking and once he was back in the woods, he turned around and waited for her to open the door. He had actually bothered to go the nearest village to buy food and clothes for her. Getting some supplies for himself, though all in disguise, he had seen Shinobi from the village, probably on their way to Kirigakure and, as he decided he didn't want to return to Konoha, he had to avoid them at all cost. He patiently waited and watch his own foot tracks disappear. He cursed at how long this was taking. Feeling his pocket, he felt the medicine he had bought at the pharmacist. He had compelled on whether to add it into the package or not, almost all the way until he was at the door and at the last minute he decided to them give some, in hopes she would use it herself, though that was rather weak-minded of him to think that she would actually do that. The other half he had kept for himself.
Seeing the doorknob turn, his eyes widened, focusing solely on what was going on in the distance. His heart raced with the anticipation of seeing her face, and he balled his fist for self-control. When she came out, he gasped. Seeing how dark the circles underneath her eyes were, how grey her skin color was and how hollow her cheeks were. A wreck, a shadow of what she had been just days ago. He couldn't imagine this was the same girl who had carried a man, twice her size and his massive sword on her back all the way here. She hesitantly stepped towards the package, looking at it in suspicion and wary of what it could be. Slowly picking it up, it was rather large, she dragged it inside a bit. Opening it, her eyes widened, gaping at the goods. Immediately she got up and ran outside, looking around and around to see who had left this for her. Concluding whomever it was, wasn't going to make his appearance known to her, she went back inside, taking the large package with her.
He stared at the sight for a while. Simply watching the snow fall. It angered him to know that what he had done would also benefit Zabuza but he couldn't take her home if she didn't have the strength to move. She needed to be well in order for her to come with him. He moved forward again, without much thought. Slowly walking to where she had stood, when she had been looking for a clue to whom had aided her. Noticing that her trail had yet to be snowed under. She had been barefoot. He crouched, staring at the pattern in the snow. He just had to be patient, her barefoot prints in the snow represented that. The cold and unwanted snow was like the situation they found themselves in, and every step they took was erasable but yet evident but in time it would disappear and it would all return to how it was before. Perhaps in time the snow all together would slowly and completely disappear. And right now that was all he could do, hold on to the foundation of the image of her barefoot tracks in the snow and silently wait.
I'm actually quite pleased with this chapter, I feel it is a nice continuation. It was all a reflection of how the situation changed them. I hope you liked this chapter too, don't forget to leave a comment/review!
