CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

It was a cold night, colder than Sootclaw had thought when he had slipped out of the warm sanctuary of his moss nest and made his way out of ShadowClan camp, toward the RiverClan border. It had been a fairly mild day, and he was surprised by the intensity of the chill that easily pierced through his fur and froze his skin. It was particularly bad when he exited the tall stands of pines that distinguished ShadowClan's territory and padded toward the thunderpath that separated the two territories. There was nothing here to block the wind as it howled by him, so cold he thought his bones might freeze.

Sootclaw's nightly excursions had long been a time he could reflect and find peace, heart filled with the joy of getting to see Lilystream once more. Now, however, his heart was weighed down with worry and doubt. Things had only seemed to get worse over the past moon. There was still no word from Dawnpaw, and after the heavy blizzard they had experienced, he was worried for ThunderClan. And though he had seen Kitetail recently, there had been something odd about the brown tabby's rushed goodbye that worried the ShadowClan warrior. On top of it all, Pigeonpaw was still avoiding him, and he noticed the other mentors starting to shoot him odd looks. He had no idea what to do, and the worry over Dawnpaw was starting to drive him crazy.

He hoped Lilystream would be able to provide him some solace from everything going on. Alongside his personal worries were his concerns for his Clan – what was WindClan up too? Dawnpaw had known they would attack ThunderClan, had predicted it exactly from her position in the Dark Forest. Sootclaw hoped she was alright. He had become so distracted over the past few moons, so preoccupied with Lilystream and Pigeonpaw, that he had forgotten to show her just how important she was to him. He wasn't in love with Dawnpaw, not the way he loved Lilystream, but the she-cat felt like a piece of his soul. Brambleclaw had explained that pieces of them had been placed inside each other, but Sootclaw didn't want to believe that it was just the mindlink. Dawnpaw was his friend and ally, and in some ways was a protector and mentor. They had been through so much together...

No. He couldn't think about it. Not tonight. Tonight was a time to be happy, to press himself against Lilystream and pretend they were the only two cats in the world. He remembered when he saw her for the first time, how beautiful she was, and how he had known, even as an apprentice, that he would fall in love with her. And when Sootclaw had spent his time in RiverClan, actually getting to know her... She had called him the bravest cat she knew. She had listened to his burdens and loved him regardless. Sootclaw paused in his walk, lost in a dream, wondering what would have happened if he had just stayed in RiverClan with her.

I would be happy, but Falconswoop would have won, he thought bitterly. According to everyone, I'm selfish, but when I do the right thing... I lose.

He thought of Falconswoop dangling from the cliff, though of Kitetail, thought of Dawnpaw and her brother, thought of Hailstripe and how mercilessly StarClan had required his death. Sootclaw had saved his mentor from the fox, but he had died anyway, died because things just weren't fair. The smoky grey tom gritted his teeth. His claws were out, digging into the powdery snow beneath them.

The cold snow beneath him gradually turned into cold rock as he reached the Thunderpath and crossed over to the small little grassy area that technically belonged to neither side. The tom took a few deep breaths, needing to calm himself. He felt like he was drowning. There was too much going on, too much weight on his shoulders, and he needed Dawnpaw. She would know what to do.

Sootclaw took in the cold air as he waited for Lilystream. As he exhaled, he watched his breath rise through the air before dissipating into the snow. A few flakes of snow fell idly through the air, landing on his muzzle. Part of him ached to be that young apprentice again, confident and self-assured and scared of nothing.

Then the reeds in front of him parted and that wish vanished instantly as Lilystream appeared, her beauty taking his breath away. Moonlight played on her grey-blue pelt, and her eyes twinkled lovingly at him as she approached him. As an apprentice, she had been funny and kind and graceful, but as a warrior and queen her grace had developed into a quiet elegance that captivated him. Sootclaw only hoped he was good enough to deserve her.

"Hello, you," she mewed quietly, stepping forward to press her muzzle against his. Wreathed by her scent, Sootclaw could do nothing but purr against her, and yet when they stepped back he was almost sad. They saw each other so rarely that it felt like there was never enough time to say all they wanted. They used to sit for hours and talk – she had told him all about her family, about her apprenticeship, her hopes and dreams and fear, and he had spoken of Falconswoop and Kitetail and Hailstripe, of his own dreams and fears. Now they just tried to take comfort in each other.

"Hello," said Sootclaw, twitching his whiskers. "How are you?"

"Better now that I'm with you," said Lilystream softly, twining her whole body with his. Sootclaw held his breath, almost trembling, knowing how blessed he was just to be here with her. Yet something about this moment still felt strange to him; he felt disconnected with her, far away, and he knew it was because of all the burdens on him. "I missed you."

"I always miss you," he said, and grinned. "What's the saying? Hate to see you go but I love to watch you leave?"

"You dog!" Lilystream said, flicking him with her tail, but she returned his grin and didn't move from his side.

Sootclaw relented. "You know I don't mean it. I never want you to go," he mewed, licking her cheek as he turned to face the lake. The sight of it covered in ice always depressed him. Some dark, angry part of him just wanted to break it all up. "Remember when you taught me to fish?"

"You were surprisingly good at it," said Lilystream. "I swore you were part RiverClan then."

"It would have been nice, to stay," Sootclaw admitted. It was a sentiment he had expressed before. "To be able to be there with you and the kits, to have everyone know just how much I love you."

"I know," she mewed. "Maybe one day, things will work out."

"Maybe," he agreed. "I don't know how, but maybe." It would be so nice, to stay with her, to watch his kits grow up and teach them to hunt. He wondered if Toadstar would like him – he imagined moons of trying to win the older tom over, but they would be moons where Sootclaw enjoyed every second.

He pulled back to look her in the eyes. "How are the kits, by the way?"

Lilystream lit up. "They're great," she mewed. "Oh, Sootclaw, they're so wonderful. I wish you were there to see them. They listen and they love to learn, and Hazelthorn is so good with them..."

That name jarred him from his blissful state. "What's Hazelthorn got to do with this?" Sootclaw didn't have a lot of experience with the brown-and-white RiverClan warrior, but he had never really liked him.

Lilystream hesitated, as if realizing she had transgressed, and then she spoke slowly, as if choosing her words extremely carefully. "Hazelthorn has agreed... to pretend to be the father."

"Pretend to be the – " Sootclaw cut himself off in disgust. It worried him to think that Hazelthorn might have feelings for Lilystream. What other reason would he have to do this. "What? No. That's not alright." They would have to put on an act, have to spend time together, have to cuddle and be close... He couldn't stand the thought.

"Sootclaw, please," she said, half-pleading, half-insistent. "We both know it's the best option. I should never have taken them to meet you – Icekit let slip that his father was a ShadowClan warrior. I pretended it was a game they were playing and it was fine, but I needed someone to step in and claim them."

"Oh, so do they think Hazelthorn is their father now?" Sootclaw asked. "Do they think I'm just a game?" When Lilystream didn't answer, he began to panic, and he lashed his tail out in frustration. "These are my kits! You can't just do that – I'm their father, I have to be there for them."

"Come on!" she said angrily. "They can't know. They'll just have a vague memory of meeting you; they'll think it was a dream. It's better for them to think they're full RiverClan than half-Clan, or have a mysterious father. Hazelthorn can be there for them."

"Hazelthorn can be there for them," Sootclaw repeated flatly, as if daring her to finish her thought.

Lilystream took a deep breath. "Hazelthorn can be there for them and you can't."

That hurt Sootclaw more than anything else in the world. Hazelthorn could be there for Lilystream and he couldn't. He couldn't do anything. "Do you love him?" he asked.

To her credit, she looked disgusted and perplexed by the question. "Of course not," snapped Lilystream. "I love you, you idiot. But I have to do what's best for these kits."

Sootclaw ignored the last part of her sentence. Blood was rushing to his head and pounding in his ears, and his temper was threatening to overtake him. He wished Dawnpaw was there to calm him, but he had kept his relationship with Lilystream private from her and now had no idea what she would have said. "What about me?" he asked – no, snarled – at her. "My own mate, betraying me."

The grey tom was not prepared for what happened next. Lilystream drew herself up to her full size, which was only slightly smaller than him, and stared him down. "Not everything is about you, Sootclaw," she said quietly, calmly, coldly. "I love you, but sometimes I feel like you don't really care about me – like you only care about how you feel. You love that I'm some beautiful, elegant she-cat who listens to you and loves you and respects you. But when it comes to what I want, what I need, you only think of yourself."

Her words stunned him, and deep inside, Sootclaw wondered if it was true. She had always supported him, had calmed him and listened to his worries, and now he realized how selfish and shallow he had been. Sootclaw loved the way she made him feel, the way her beauty made him tremble, the way she cleansed his heart of burden, but...

Having Hazelthorn pretend to be the father was the best thing for the kits.

He knew it.

"Do you really love me, Sootclaw?" asked Lilystream. Her voice had emotion again, and it was a deep sorrow that threatened to crack his heart in two.

Of course I do. He had believed it for so long. She was divine and he was some mortal lucky enough to have drawn her love. But now, Sootclaw was starting to doubt it, and as he stared at her he ran out of words.

"I should go," she said sadly.

And he could do nothing but watch her leave. Lilystream cast him a parting glance, her eyes devastated, and Sootclaw finally found his voice. "Wait!" he said.

She waited.

She waited and he had nothing to say. Not like last time, where he had promised he would return to her, where he had known. Sootclaw couldn't make any promises.

So he was silent and she left.

.

The next morning, Sootclaw refused to move from his nest. The sun came up and the ShadowClan warriors around him emerged from the den, ready to face the day, but Sootclaw was sullen. He was upset and heartbroken, and more than anything else, he was angry at himself. Lilystream had been right to say what she did. It seemed like no matter what he did, no matter how he tried, the grey tom was always going to be selfish. He could try to fight it, but evidently it was just in his nature.

He loved Lilystream. He really did. He knew it now, but it was too late to tell her, though he wished he could run back and shout it across RiverClan territory. Sootclaw loved her, but he was coming to the realization he might not have loved her right.

The grey warrior flopped over in his nest. The day was nearly as cold as the night, and he had no desire to move from his comfortable bed. Outside he could hear the whistle of the wind through camp, barely broken by the camp walls, as well as the yelling of kits as they bounded around in the clearing, apparently unfazed by the cold.

Sootclaw tilted his head to peer outside, where he saw Hailkit trying to calmly break up a scuffle between Streakkit and Fennelkit, who were arguing over which one of them was the better fighter. Potential shone in every one of the white kit's movements, and Sootclaw remembered wishing that Hailkit had been his apprentice instead of Pigeonpaw. Now, however, Sootclaw was glad he wouldn't be able to mentor the former deputy's son. Hailkit deserved a mentor who would be one hundred percent dedicated.

Pigeonpaw.

He had to do something about it, and with a great sight, Sootclaw heaved himself from his nest and padded out into the clearing. Despite his bad mood, ShadowClan camp still felt like home, and the feel of loam under his paws and the sight of the pine trees towering over him always managed to improve his mood.

He sighted Redfur, who was sitting and watching Hailkit with a proud look on her face. Her eyes were weary, but she still managed to have energy as she greeted him. "Hello, Sootclaw," she mewed.

"Hullo," he groaned, still tired. It was ridiculous to think that he had once been jealous of Redfur for becoming deputy. Sootclaw used to pretend that he would have made a better one, and while he had been the one to stop Falconswoop, there was no way he could cope with all the responsibility that Redfur now had on her shoulders. "Do you know where Eaglestar is?"

Redfur nodded. "In his den," she said, flicking her tail toward it.

The grey tom mumbled a thanks and padded off toward it. His plan was simple: he would apologize for being a bad mentor, emphasize that he would do better now, and ask Eaglestar to maybe have a talk with Pigeonpaw on his behalf.

Reaching the moss curtain at the entrance to the leader's den, Sootclaw hesitated. "Hi, Eaglestar," he mewed. "Can I enter?"

There was a pause and the sound of moss ruffling, and then Eaglestar appeared, pushing away the moss. "Come on in," he said, shepherding Sootclaw inside.

Sootclaw had always coveted the leader's den, with its fancy entrance and high walls and feeling of warmth and comfort even in the harshest of leafbares. During the blizzard, Eaglestar had let the kits and the elders all stay in his den to avoid the cold. It was an incredibly selfless thing, and Sootclaw liked to think he would have done the same, but he was doubting himself now more than ever before.

"What's on your mind?" asked Eaglestar in that amiable, comforting rumble that always made Sootclaw feel welcome. Eaglestar was, beyond a doubt, a fantastic leader.

Sootclaw took a deep breath. "It's about Pigeonpaw," he began. The golden tabby in front of him nodded silently, as if he had been anticipating that. Sootclaw shuffled uncomfortably from paw to paw. "I know I've been a bad mentor, Eaglestar. I've been distracted, I... know he asked to switch mentors but I promise I'll try harder from now on."

Eaglestar nodded. "I believe you meant no harm, Sootclaw, but why are you telling me this?"

Sootclaw was confused. "Well, because... you're the leader, and you decide mentors."

The tabby-masked tom sighed. "I meant why aren't you telling him this?"

Oh. Sootclaw wasn't really sure to say. "He won't listen, Eaglestar, he hates me."

The ShadowClan leader narrowed his eyes. "You're his mentor. Of course he's angry, but he will listen to you. You just have to try."

That hadn't really been what Sootclaw was expecting. The tom had hoped that Eaglestar could just magically solve this problem, but he was rapidly realizing that had been a very, very distant possibility. Eaglestar was right, though – this was something he had to do himself. "Oh. Okay. Yeah," was all he managed to say. "Well, thank you for your time."

He turned to leave when Eaglestar's calm voice cut through the air. "Wait, Sootclaw." When the warrior turned back around to face him, Eaglestar continued. "I would not have chosen you to mentor Pigeonpaw if I didn't think you were capable, and I didn't bring these issues up to you because I knew you would figure it out for yourself. But Pigeonpaw is my son, and if you don't fix this – if you continue to make him feel inadequate and disappointing – I will know, and I will not be happy."

Those words chilled him. Sootclaw hated feeling as though he had disappointed Eaglestar, and then a jolt of realization went through him – this was how Pigeonpaw felt when Sootclaw was cruel to him. It was how Dawnpaw felt whenever Thickfur got irritated.

I'm like Thickfur, he thought, and it terrified him.

Okay. He could do this. What made a good mentor? He still needed to be strong, to be in control, to be able to correct Pigeonpaw when he made mistakes. But he also needed to be able to admit his own mistakes, to respect the apprentice, and to have a little faith in him.

As he exited the den, something changed.

His world shifted.

Everything seemed to blur for a moment, but when it locked into place he felt like he could finally see for the first time in moons. He felt his heart begin to race and then, like a bolt sliding into place, his mind clicked and suddenly there was another mind beside it.

Dawnpaw.

At first he didn't believe it. She had been gone for so long, and he had almost started to think that there previous conversation had been there last. But she was here now, and he could feel the gentleness of her mind as it pressed against his, except now something was different. Her mind was harder and it scared him a little, but he was so overjoyed to have her back he didn't want to ask questions.

Hi, she said.

His heart leapt. It was really her! Sootclaw wanted to say so many things, wanted to ask for her advice on everything, but he had to contain himself. There would be a chance for everything in due time. How did you find me?

Looking inside myself, she replied cryptically. He supposed it made sense – if StarClan put pieces of them inside each other, there must be a connection within their own minds as well as outside.

Are you here for good? It was what he needed to know.

Yes, Dawnpaw told him, and his heart leapt again, filled with joy. She was back, she was back! She would know what to do. Everything was going to be alright. But as she continued to speak, her voice grim, his excitement began to fade. Sootclaw, there's a lot I want to say, but there's something important first. You have to listen to me.

Okay, he said, because he would always listen to her. He might be selfish, but not around Dawnpaw. He couldn't be – he wouldn't do that to her.

It's about WindClan, she said, explaining about the darkness.

What? Sootclaw asked.

Dawnpaw took a deep breath and launched into an explanation, telling him how he could use his powers to remove the darkness from their minds and save them. Sootclaw immediately wanted to ask where he would put the darkness, but the answer was abhorrently clear. He wanted to cry out and resist, but he thought about what Lilystream and Pigeonpaw said, thought about how selfish he was, and how he could at least to do this. He could save lives. He didn't know what would happen to his own, but it didn't matter. It couldn't matter.

This is the only way?

Yes, she said sadly.

Okay, he said, his stomach dropping. I trust you, Dawnpaw. He trusted her with every fibre of his body and even though this new, harder, darker Dawnpaw scared him in a way, he knew what she had been through and he could not contain his respect for her. He had to tell her. He had to explain to her just how much she meant, just how glad he was to find her again. I –

But something in her mind jolted and he was cut off. Dawnpaw's mind slipped away and he could feel the frantic energy as she communicated with someone beside her. When she returned to him, it was only to tell him she had to leave. He wanted to cry, but – it wasn't for good, she had said. It wasn't for good.

I'm glad too, he said, and then she was gone. She was gone and he was all alone once more. He had been so excited to talk to Dawnpaw again and she had been torn away for him, and it was worse than not talking to her at all. It was getting a taste of what would heal him and have the medicine ripped from his paws.

I love you, he thought, though he knew she couldn't hear him, because he would have been too afraid to tell her otherwise. He didn't love her romantically like he loved Lilystream, didn't desire her in the same way, but he loved her wholly and honestly and unashamedly and he had no idea how he had survived without her for so long.

He blinked away sorrow. He couldn't dwell on this.

He had other things to do.

.

It was later that day when he finally found Pigeonpaw. The spiky-furred tom was lying at the edge of camp, listlessly picking at a lizard he must have caught earlier. He looked up as Sootclaw arrived and immediately looked away again. It had been awhile since Sootclaw had tried to approach him and the grey tom felt uncomfortable, not sure what to say.

"What do you want?" asked his apprentice sullenly, pushing the prey back and forth between his paws. He seemed tired, no longer filled with the angry energy that had reverberated through him as he finally stood up to his mentor. Sootclaw was starting to see that he wasn't just an annoying apprentice – just because his best was below average, it didn't mean he wasn't trying it. And besides, who knew how much the grey and white tom could actually accomplish if Sootclaw just supported him a little.

Sootclaw took a seat beside him, wrapping his tail neatly around his paws and trying not to show his complete nervousness. He had a mental image of Pigeonpaw as some sassy, plump apprentice, but the young tom in front of him was worn and lean and simply exhausted. "I wanted to apologize, first of all," he began slowly.

Pigeonpaw just shrugged. "Whatever."

"No, it's not whatever," said Sootclaw, stern but not unkind. "I'm your mentor and I've let you down. I never meant to make you feel like a disappointment, Pigeonpaw. I know what that's like – yes, don't give me that look, I do. My father was harsh and always expected the best of me, and it overshadowed even my own mentor's patience, and it's really all I know. Sometimes I worry I'm too much like him, too selfish." He hadn't meant to spill this much of himself to Pigeonpaw, but he was feeling vulnerable and the words just came tumbling out as if he were speaking to Dawnpaw. "My point is – I only wanted you to do well, but now I'm realizing I went about it in the wrong way. You don't have to be the best at hunting or fighting to be a great warrior – you just have to care, and I know I might not have noticed when you did."

He paused and took a deep breath. "So I'm sorry. I'll do better from now on."

Pigeonpaw was silent for a long time, still picking at that lizard, refusing to meet Sootclaw's eyes. "You mean it?" he muttered eventually, his voice wounded and mistrustful. Sootclaw knew that the young tom had every reason to disbelieve him.

Sootclaw nodded. "I do. And I know I've just opened up to you here, but – I'm still your mentor. If you respect me, I will respect you. I promise."

Another pause and then Pigeonpaw nodded. "Alright," he said, voice slightly less sullen than before, as if he were daring to hope.

Sootclaw felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He remembered, just moons ago, watching the tom tumble around the nursery with his siblings. Now he seemed so grown up. Sootclaw had underestimated how quickly change could happen – Dawnpaw had only been six moons when everything had happened, yet she had been so mature. He should have had more faith in Pigeonpaw.

He blinked warmly. "Well, how about we go out training tomorrow morning then?" he asked. He would have liked to go now, but it was getting dark out and he saw how tired Pigeonpaw was.

"We still have time today," said Pigeonpaw, almost shyly.

Sootclaw was surprised but impressed. "Are you sure?"

"Of course," mewed the apprentice stubbornly, getting to his paws. "I'm restless. Let's go."

Following his apprentice out of camp, Sootclaw could only marvel at everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours. His relationship with Lilystream had shattered into pieces, he had found and lost Dawnpaw, and now things were reconciled with Pigeonpaw. It had been a rollercoaster of a day.

And as happy as he was to train Pigeonpaw again, he couldn't help feel that this wouldn't last long. WindClan was going to attack soon, and he had to be ready. His heart lurched as he watched his apprentice's moving frame. What if he couldn't keep the promises he had made Pigeonpaw? And what if he never got a chance to tell Lilystream how sorry he was?

What if this was it for him?

XX XX XX

A/N: Hey again! Not much to say. Hit about 10k with these two chapters - so I might be a few chapters short of finishing KotS when I do hit 50k on my NaNo but I should get them done not long after (Christmas break! Woo!)

Getting back into Sootclaw's head! Next chapter is Fogpaw, escaping at last, and I'm so excited to start writing it tomorrow! Then back to ThunderClan (though my outline is subject to change.)

Thanks to everyone who reviewed, glad to know you are still interested in the story :) Sorry it's so bad right now, writing in a hurry for NaNo doesn't lend itself to great writing but I tried to look it over and fix typos!

Thanks for reading and please review!

- PV :)