READ FIRST! A/N: Two chapters in one night?! Wow. If you just clicked on this chapter, make sure u go back and start with chapter 28 because they were both posted tonight. I know it means that one of them will get less reviews than the other, but that's okay. Out of the two, this one's my favorite anyway. I wonder if you'll feel the same?
29.
It wasn't a sound that had woken Kanan, but more of a feeling. He began to reach out with his senses and before he even opened his eyes, he knew it was Ezra. Everyone felt different in the Force. Most of the time, he tried not to read Force signatures because they could be incredibly distracting in their beauty, but he knew Hera's, Zeb's and Sabine's...and now Ezra's, it seemed, by heart. The Force-signature he had seen so brightly only nights ago, was now smaller and uncertain, no doubt shaken by what the kid had been through.
On the first night there had been no problems—Ezra was on some heavier painkillers and slept the dreamless sleep of exhaustion. The next night, however, he had woken up in fear, calling out for Kanan, who spent the rest of the night watching Ezra's sleep. During the days, Ezra shadowed Kanan as if he was afraid to let the Jedi out of his sight. Now they were on the last of several hyperspace jumps that would settle them in a quiet little niche near an asteroid belt for a few days of R&R. The holocron hadn't yielded many answers, but slowly, while meditating (as he'd begun to do more and more since Ezra), a strategy had begun to take form. He had planned to try it with Ezra the next day, but now it seemed like there was no time like the present.
He untangled himself from Hera slowly so as not to wake her, and then dressed in the dark before heading out of the room into the hallway.
The door to the cockpit was open, and Kanan could see Chopper near the pilot's seat, shepherding the ship through hyperspace while its crew tried to get some rest.
Except for the one of their crew who was not sleeping. Ezra was sitting in one of the chairs, curled into a small ball, his face turned toward the blue glow of the starlines.
"Ezra?" Kanan asked, reaching out to place a gentle hand on his shoulder.
"Um...It was hard to sleep…" He whispered in a soft voice, keeping his eyes fixed on the starlines as if afraid to look at Kanan. In truth, he had never gone to sleep at all, afraid of what he'd see when he did.
"Sometimes I come out here and look at the starlines too, when I can't sleep." Kanan said. They remained there a long time, while Kanan felt the ebb and flow of emotions from Ezra. The kid was unsettled.
Suddenly, Ezra startled him with a question. "Are you sorry you took me in?"
"What? No." Kanan turned Ezra to face him. The kid's eyes were shifting everywhere except where they needed to be. The former Jedi ran a hand through his loose brown hair in confusion. "Wait...why would you ask that? Ezra?"
The kid looked up when his name was called and it was clear there was something disturbing him. Here was the "wrong" feeling that had woken Kanan up. "T-the female Inquisitor...sh...she...said some things..." Ezra bit his bottom lip and looked down shaking his head slightly as if afraid to say more.
Kanan waited patiently to see if he would go on. When the kid didn't, he placed a hand on Ezra's shoulder. "Sit down." Kanan gestured to the floor, then unconsciously folded himself into a meditation position. The kid, as if watching Kanan for direction, slid from the seat and did the same thing. "I was going to talk to you tomorrow about this but...now seems a good time." He searched the kid's solemn blue eyes, trying to find a way to start. "First of all, take a minute and explain why you might think that we were sorry we found you."
"The Inquisitor thought...she thought I was your student. She wanted to know...where you were. I didn't...t-tell her." The kid's eyes were luminous, huge and expressive in the glow of hyperspace coming from the viewport. "But she knew anyway. She was in my head, no matter what I did. She knew you were a Jedi...because of me. She said I would be a disappointment to you. That you wouldn't w...want a loth-rat like me."
Ezra was looking to him now, trying to gain an understanding of what had happened, and trying to figure out what to believe. It was clear the boy felt responsible for exposing them to danger, and that the Sister's mental assault on Ezra was the reason that, even now, Kanan could feel the residue of the dark side on the kid. Guilt. It was a path to the dark side that Kanan knew well. This kid should not have to travel that path. He mentally promised himself that the redblade would get what she deserved, if he ever saw her again, but time for that later. He gathered his attention once more and focused on the kid and the aura of swirling worry and doubt. The anxiety had a dulling effect to Ezra's brilliant light; it was as if Kanan could see the dark side feeding on the kid's insecurities. It sickened him, and he forced himself to quit looking into Ezra's Force signature. Instead he fixed himself on the kid's eyes.
"Ezra. Listen to me. There was nothing you could have done." Kanan said. "You can't blame yourself."
"She said you would all die...because of me." Ezra looked down when his blue eyes filled with tears. "I keep hearing it again and again and..."
Kanan shook his head, reaching to lay a hand on Ezra's shoulder. "And we're not dead. She lied. That's what the dark side is—lies." He paused, watching Ezra's reaction. The kid just looked at him with uncertain eyes. "Do you remember what I told you about the Force? About how the Jedi used it for honorable purposes and the others…the users of the dark side subvert the Force?"
Ezra nodded. "Those two...they were part of the dark side..." he murmured thoughtfully.
"Yes, both the Seventh sister and the Pau'an...they wanted to hurt you. But the light side is stronger than both of them." He cast about for the right way to begin. "Let me show you something. Close your eyes a moment and tell me what you see."
Ezra complied. After a long pause, he spoke. "It's...dark."
Kanan let out a snort of laughter, then apologized as Ezra started at the sound.
"What?" Ezra opened his eyes in surprise.
"You just remind me of...well, me as a youngling. Master Yoda used to say that I had a talent for stating the obvious." He used the warm memory to try to center himself so that he could help Ezra connect with the Force.
"Master Yoda was another Jedi? Your teacher?" Ezra's blue eyes searched Kanan's.
It was hard not to keep the flash of sadness from his expression. Master Yoda was long dead, he was sure. "Uh...yeah...one of many. Now, just close your eyes and breathe normally." Kanan closed his own eyes and was yet bombarded with more questions.
"What kinds of things did they teach you to do? Did you live in a Jedi Temple? How old were you when-"
Kanan opened his eyes and looked at the kid sitting before him, leaning forward avidly. Ezra had been through more than most kids his age. He'd lived through having his parents stolen and surely murdered by the Empire, living on the streets doing Force knew what to survive, being tortured at the hands of the Inquisitors…and here he was, curious and wide-eyed, about to take his first steps to learn more about the Force. It didn't escape his notice that this kid was very much like himself at this age. For a fleeting moment, he seemed to hear his master's soft laughter in the air around him. She had always enjoyed his questions and never seemed to tire of answering them. She would see and understand the irony here, and most likely be amused by it.
So, just like she would have, he found himself answering with a hint of amusement in his own voice. "Yeah. I lived in the Jedi Temple on Coruscant from a very early age. And to tell you everything I learned would take longer than we have. But I can SHOW you something that I learned if you'll just listen. Now close your eyes." He waited until Ezra had done as he'd been asked.
"Just breathe slowly. Search inside yourself for the Force. It's there, in every breath, every beat of your heart." Kanan closed his own eyes, feeling the swell of Force energy as he reached for it. The Force buffeted him with memories tonight, as he walked Ezra through one of the first exercises that he'd learned as a youngling. "Meditating will help you quiet your mind. It can help you when you feel troubled, it can increase your focus and your connection to the Force. First, reach out, extend your senses for the Force and center yourself within it. Do you feel it?" He sent a gentle brush of Force energy toward Ezra, but there was no need. The kid had found it easily.
Ezra nodded. "Wow. It's...it's amazing..."
"Find the center. Feel the Force around you and float within it. That's all you need to do right now, Ezra." He could see that Ezra's Force-signature was still tainted with the dark, but it seemed brighter than before. This would help the kid rest and heal, both physically and, more importantly, mentally.
"It's like the wind on Lothal. It comes and goes in waves." Ezra said wonderingly.
Kanan couldn't help the smile that twitched the corner of his mouth. He felt the wonder and awe from Ezra, reminding him of himself. Before Order 66, in better days. Instead of feeling the old familiar pain of his loss, he re-experienced the joy of discovery while watching Ezra's reaction to experiencing the full power of the Force. It was not the first time the boy had touched the Force, but the first time he'd consciously reached out to connect with its light. Just as before, the Force's approval sang to him in the very molecules of the air. Yes, yes, yes, it seemed to say, revealing that this was right. Kanan could feel the certainty in the beating of his heart, the pumping of his blood...the feeling that his whole life had been leading him to this very moment in time.
"I can see the same light in you." Ezra whispered. His eyes were closed, but he'd lifted his face in Kanan's direction. "Wow. It's so bright..."
"Everyone has a presence in the Force, but you and I...and other Force-users look different in the Force. Brighter." He breathed, slowly, trying to retain his focus in the middle of this new sensation. It was easy to get caught up in the overwhelming joy that Ezra was experiencing. They remained that way for a long time, just floating in the warmth that was the Force. Finally, Kanan spoke. "When something troubles you, you can release it to the Force. You can let negative thoughts and emotions recede into its light."
"It's always there?" Ezra asked wonderingly. "Like this?"
"Yes, Ezra. It's always been with you." Kanan murmured with another smile which faded with his next words. "Now, Ezra...the redblades. They left their darkness behind in your thoughts, but you can push it away. Find those thoughts...those lies the sister told you. Let them go."
Ezra's focus narrowed and the horrible words she'd said...the way the female Inquisitor had forced herself into his mind…He tried to fling it into the warm winds of the Force that buffeted him softly. For a moment, he felt lighter. Clear. But then, he thought of everything he'd gone through. The worry that he'd let his new family down, the fear that Kanan would be killed, the pain in his body from the abuse at the Inquisitors' hands. All of the memories began to overwhelm him like a dark wave. "It's too much," he breathed. His breaths came faster and faster and his hold on the Force wobbled as the ocean of darkness began to crash down.
Kanan felt the wobble and reached out to the kid. "No, Ezra. Let it go...turn it loose."
"Can't." Ezra mumbled thickly, feeling his hold on the Force turn slippery and untrustworthy. He would be a failure, they almost died to save him. It was his fault...
"Feel the light within you, and hold onto that. You touched the shadow, but let it go. Push the dark side away." Kanan could sense the trouble Ezra was having and he began to reach out with the Force to help. "Ezra...come on, kid. Let the shadow go."
As Ezra looked at the deep warm Force-signature right beside him, he felt safety. Like a drowning swimmer, he latched on with everything he had.
"It's okay...it's okay." As Kanan allowed them to slip from the stream of Force energy that surrounded them, he opened his eyes to find that Ezra was in his arms, hugging him tightly. They stayed that way a long time until Ezra finally released him.
Words tumbled out. "Was that the dark side?" Kanan nodded in reply, as the kid sat back on his heels. "I couldn't...push it out of my thoughts. It was so strong."
"Maybe we shouldn't have tried to take all that on the first time." Kanan said thoughtfully, then focused on Ezra as the kid frowned. "I'm sorry."
"I was the one who failed." Ezra muttered.
"No. No, you didn't. It took me at least five lessons to hold onto the Force as well as you just did."
"You're lying to make me feel better..." Ezra said, with just a hint of hopefulness in his voice.
"No. I'm not. This is going to take practice. You'll get better quicker than you think." Kanan examined the kid's Force-signature again and saw that it looked brighter. "You won't have any more nightmares tonight, so come on. You need rest."
He got to his feet, then reached down for Ezra's good hand to pull him up. "We'll practice again," he said.
"Tomorrow?" Ezra asked.
"Sure." Kanan replied, again marveling at seeing the eagerness in Ezra's eyes. Again, there was his own past, reflected to him in the light that was this kid.
"What is it?" Ezra asked as Kanan led him back toward his room.
"Nothing important." Kanan reached out and gave Ezra's shoulder a squeeze, guiding him in the right direction.
Kanan saw Ezra to bed, said goodnight, turned the light off and headed back into the hall where he saw Hera leaning on the door to her quarters, waiting on him. She was dressed in a cropped shirt and sleep pants, and her lekku were bare without her pilot's cap; they draped over her shoulders and down her back gracefully. He couldn't help but smile when he saw her; her simple beauty reminded him of all he'd gained since coming on the Ghost.
"What happened?" Hera asked softly, holding out her hand for him, eyebrows raised.
"Huh? Just some stuff with the kid."
She tilted her head as if she'd heard something interesting there. "He okay?"
He followed her back into her quarters, lit by a small lamp over the bunk. "Yeah. Bad dreams. I was sort of showing him how to meditate...just some youngling exercises. Hey—no. Don't go getting any ideas."
Her brilliant smile as she settled herself back on her bunk made him narrow his eyes at her. "So you were training him?"
"Hera! I can't train this kid how to be a . . .Jedi. There's a million reasons that I shouldn't..."
She said nothing, but the smile remained on her face as she reclined on the bed.
"Look. I'm just showing him how to...how to get past what those sleemos did to him. That's all. Kid's a terrible student anyway. Asks too many questions."
"Yeah. I hear you." She said noncommittally. As Kanan laid back against the pillow, she rested her head on his chest, just watching him.
"Don't do that."
"Do what?" She asked innocently.
It was his turn to raise an eyebrow at her. "Ezra is too old to be trained anyway. And I don't even know enough to know how to… this isn't working is it?"
She shook her head, smiling up at him. Then she grew serious. "Answer a question for me." She could almost sense the competing emotions in him. He was trying his best to talk himself down from agreeing to teach the kid, but there was a change in him. A feeling around him as if he'd made a decision or settled some great disagreement within himself.
"Sure."
"How did teaching him feel?" Her serious green eyes studied each expression that flitted across his face. "Did you feel like it was the wrong thing to do? Like you were leading him in the wrong direction?"
He shook his head. "N..no."
"Do you think that showing him...even a little of what you know would be detrimental or would it help him in the long run?"
"It's not that...I'm just..."
"What are you afraid of?"
He looked over at her finally. "Lots. Mainly, the past. I don't want him to make the same mistakes..."
"So make sure. Make sure he doesn't. I'm not trying to push you. Just consider it." She reached up to snap the light off.
"I will." He murmured, placing a kiss on her head. Again, the rightness of teaching Ezra flowed through his thoughts again. He wasn't going to jump into this, however. He would continue to show the kid how to meditate, and maybe how to shield himself from the type of probing the Mirialan had performed, but that was all. Ezra would probably lose interest anyway, as soon as he got over his injuries, both mental and physical. His last thought before he fell into sleep was that he could hear his Master's laugh once more and feel her approval as a tangible thing. At the comforting feeling, he wrapped an arm around Hera and settled into sleep.
