Dreams of a Wounded
Heart©
Chapter Twenty-Nine: A Place In This World
By
Genevieve Lee
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As I walked from the stables, I saw Jason waiting for me at the edge of the estate with my riding instructor. I gave him a strained smile, knowing Jason probably had just given him a verbal lashing. As I came to a stop before them, my fiancé cleared his throat.
"Yes, I am terribly sorry, miss," my instructor said sheepishly.
"The fault is mine, Mister Starbick. You are right. I gave the horse too much power."
"Of course it is not your fault, Madeleine. If your dolt of a teacher would have being paying attention--"
"You are the one who made the horse start," I snapped shaking his arm off that had just rested on my shoulders.
"You are correct, of course," he replied, venom leaking from his tone.
"It is time for my music lesson, I think," I replied, giving a quick, apologetic smile to Mister Starbick.
"Yes, cannot have you miss another lesson today. I will see you at dinner." He grabbed my left hand and leaned down, kissing the engagement ring that was perched shamefully on my third finger.
"Yes, dinner then," I said, withdrawing my hand as soon as I was able. I heard Erik finally come up behind me then.
"Well, off to your lesson then. Mister Devereaux," Jason said, in a small greeting.
"Monsieur De'lorme."
I turned and left, keeping my steps slow until Erik fell into step with me. We were silent until we reached the inside of the estate. Once the door was closed, I said, "I would very much like to hurt him. Perhaps I will shoot him next time I have an archery lesson." I grinned. "That would be tomorrow." The thought of Jason clutching him palm in pain because of an arrow that "accidentally" went his way was more than satisfying. I stopped to take my riding boots off, leaving them discarded by the door.
Erik didn't respond, but instead just silently led me to the music room. Once inside, he seated himself at the piano bench, leaving me to stand awkwardly behind him. I could see he was not in the best of moods. He was sitting rigid and tense on the bench, and he took a deep breath before setting his fingers on the ivory keys and began playing. I bit my lip and tried to find something to do with myself until he gave me instruction. A strand of frizzy hair fell into my eyes and I realized I had many pieces of hair hanging loosely around my face.
I reached back and untied the ribbon before I ran my fingers through the plates of hair, letting them fall across my shoulders and back. Erik continued playing, but it wasn't with the passion I had seen the many times, almost every time, he played. I gave a sharp, awkward sigh before I grabbed my hair and began braiding it again. Once every piece was pulled back and only the little tip was left, I wrapped the ribbon around and tied it. The playing abruptly stopped, but Erik still did not turn towards me.
"Madeleine," he barley breathed my name, and my head perked, wondering what was wrong. "I don't know if we can wait two weeks."
An intake of breath made my stomach clench inwards painfully. "Wait! Why?"
"There are obviously some things here that you are not telling me about, and I will not leave you here to handle them alone."
"But, you won't be leaving me! You'll be here."
"Regardless, I think we should leave by the end of tomorrow. We will leave by the end of tomorrow."
A feeling of nausea stretched through my belly like a glass of spilled milk spreading across the countertop. "No," I whispered the word. "I can't leave her."
Finally, he turned around to face me, and his expression was serene, all business. "We must. I need to think of you right now."
I clenched my teeth. "I won't go."
A fury crossed his eyes. "You will Madeleine, don't think I won't make you."
"You won't force me. Even if you try all I would have to do is let out a scream, and someone would come running."
"You wouldn't do that."
"You're right." I breathed out a sigh before glancing back up at him. I would not do something that would get him caught, but he would force me to go. This much I knew. "I won't go," I repeated slowly.
"You will do as I say Madeleine. We are leaving as soon as everyone is asleep tomorrow," he bellowed, standing up from the bench to stand in front of me.
Fury bore its way into my chest, leaving all timidness behind. "I won't go. You cannot make me." Before he could say any more, I turned and fled from the room, something I had noticed a pattern of lately. I could hear him coming after me, but I kept going. He could not confront me if others were around. I ran for the main room, which led to the stairs, which would ultimately get me to my room. As I was about to run into the foyer, a tidbit of conversation made me slide to a stop, my stockings sliding across the hardwood floor. I grabbed a wall to balance myself, and I heard Erik skid to a stop behind me as well. Both of us stood there in understood silence, listening to the conversation at hand.
"I am her fiancé, surely you can give it to me."
"I am sorry, sir, but I was requested to give it directly to Miss Taylor. No one else."
"Her business is mine first, therefore you will hand it over."
"I apologize Mister De'lorme, but I will not. Instructions are instructions."
Who could possibly be sending me a letter that was of such importance it was to be given to me rather than my fiancé? Perhaps it was Christian or Farrah. Suddenly I had to get that letter before Jason persuaded the messenger to give it to him.
"Here now, what is the meaning of this?" I asked, strolling out into view.
"Are you Miss Taylor?" he asked, ignoring Jason's steely glare. I responded with a nod. "This is for you."
"Thank you," I replied, taking the letter, giving him several coins and a large tip for keeping it from Jason. As soon as he was sent away, Jason came to me.
"Who is it from?" his voice not covering suspicions.
I turned my back to him to read the address. "It's from my aunt."
"The one your mother is visiting? Hand it here."
I took a few steps forward, tucking it in my dress pocket. "I do believe it saysMiss Madeleine Taylor on the front and was supposed to be hand delivered to me. It has found its way. If you'll excuse me." I gathered my skirts and jogged up the stairs, wanting to be alone to read the letter that supposedly held such importance. I didn't go to my room, knowing that's the first place Erik would look for me, but instead fled into one of the many guest rooms. I curled up on the floor next to the bed, hidden from view of the main entrance. I draped my skirts over my crossed legs before shoving a finger beneath the fold and ripping it open.
Three things fell out. One was a letter that had my name on it, and the other had Susan's, and the other was a beautiful heart-shaped locket of gold. I held it up to my eyes for a moment to see a pretty daisy engraved on the front. I set it on my lap before shakily opening up the letter. It read:
My Dearest Niece,
I have always regretted not knowing you very well, but up until recently, I thought I had all the time in the world. I found out about a week ago it is the exact opposite. I came down with influenza and it has been confirmed I will not recover. As I write this letter, I know I only have a few hours left. I had wanted to die peacefully, while knowing my daughter would be well taken care of by my sister.
These past few days I have tried to spend as much time as I could with her, and have found that she has grown into quite the little lady since she began living with you and your family six weeks ago. She has grown very fond of you, I think. It makes me happy to know this.
Yes, I know I am just giving a mindless babble right now, so I suppose I will just get down to the point. Your mother was out for a while, and I asked Susan about her stay there. I learned many…alarming things. Oh, do not blame her. She is just a girl; she didn't know what she was saying. I figured it out though, and I thought of you and the few times we had spent with one another and everything came together. I feel foolish for not seeing it before. Susan also told me of you making her lock her door every night, and I want to thank you for helping her, for protecting her when I couldn't.
It hurts me to know that I am leaving her behind to your father, please take no offense to this. I know I may be asking too much of you, but I am going to be gone soon, and I know I cannot ask your mother, but my only request is for you to take care of Susan. Do whatever you must. I am leaving behind sufficient funds for you in my will, ones that you will be able to possess on the day of your eighteenth year. I know your husband controls your funds, but I know you are not to marry him until the eve of Christmas. I do not know what kind of man your fiancé is like, but from what I have heard, you are not too fond of him.
This way, you can have a month to do whatever you need to do. Run away; pay someone to take in Susan…whatever is needed. Whatever you want. I would say to just try, but I am asking you more than that. After I leave, Susan will not have anyone else in this world. Protect her. Take her in.
With this note there is a locket. My mother gave it to me when I made my debut. I wish for you to keep it until Susan makes her debut, gets engaged, turns eighteen, or whatever her specific case is. Her future is not set, and so I cannot not tell you what to do. All I can do is ask you to help. I am very sorry I did not get to know you. I do love you though, and please give Susan her letter when she is older. Do not open it. Thank you, Madeleine.
Love Always,
Aunt Polly
Tears brimmed at the edges of my eyes at the horror of it all. Aunt Polly was dead. Susan had nowhere to go but here. Erik wanted to force me to leave tomorrow. Susan would no longer have a mother.
I stayed in the spare bedroom for many long minutes. I had a feeling both Jason and Erik was looking for me, but I felt no need to move. I tucked both letters into the envelope, and clasped the locket around my neck. I hid it into the material of my gown so it was covered from view, hanging next to Erik's necklace like a tribute. I sat there for a while with my chin to my knees, just thinking. There was no way I could leave Susan now, not when she needed me most.
I heard the door creak open and I gripped my knees tighter into myself, holding my breath at the same time. The person there paused, and I heard nothing from him except his breathing for a good long minute.
"Madeleine?" The voice belonged to Jason and I tried even harder to not make any noise.
After another time, the door shut and I heard him retreating down the hall to look elsewhere. My breath escaped my lips, blowing up the strands of hair that had somehow managed to come loose again. I stretched my cramp legs out, letting the taut muscles extend for a moment before I tucked them underneath myself again. Yet again, the door opened and I froze. Again. I knew this time who it must be.
"Madeleine." Erik's voice rang demandingly through the room. He knew I was in here so I gave a sigh of defeat and turned my head, lifting my chin so I could see beyond my shield that was a bed. He stood in front of the door, the one he had smartly shut. He looked angry, as was to be expected. I turned my head back, staring determinately at the wall in front of me.
"What did the letter say?"
My hand slapped down on the envelope beside me as I saw him going for it. "I believe it was addressed for me. Everyone seems to want to go through my mail lately." I slid the envelope underneath my skirts, draping them gently over it.
"Madeleine."
"Erik."
"Why are you being so difficult?"
"I'm not. You are. You are trying to get me to leave Susan behind to face the same horrors I did. She may not be as lucky as me. I found someone to help me," I said as I met his gaze, "and she may not. It won't be much longer. I am not negotiating this."
"I am not asking you to negotiate this."
"You're right. You are just trying to get me to do what's wrong."
"Thinking of yourself is not wrong."
"It is by me." I stood up, clutching the letter in my trembling hand. "If you are so intent on leaving," I scrambled through the envelope, grabbing my letter and handing it to him, "then please read this first. It may change your mind."
He looked down at the letter that was now held tightly in his hands. As he began to open it, I slunk out of the room, leaving him to think alone.
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It was right before dinner we got a letter from my mother announcing my aunt's official death. Susan and my mother would be returning in only a few days. It gave me hope. Maybe Erik would wait when he knew everything. I still had not talked to him since I gave him the letter, but I did find it returned to me on my pillow before I began getting ready for dinner.
There was a little part at the end of my mother's letter that scared me. It had said:
Susan is no longer herself. She is quiet and will not respond to anyone. I fear she has been overcome with grief.
Hopefully I could help her. I had to.
Dinner was a beastly affair. Between the fact that Christian was gone and Erik was angry with me, it was more miserable than usual. Jason also kept dropping little hints that seemed to scream, "I will know what was in that letter of yours, Madeleine."
To which I replied with little tidbits of my own that responded discreetly with, "Wish all you want, dear fiancé, but you will never know."
When it was finally over, I excused myself to my room for the night. My etiquette teacher had the night to herself, and she was out…somewhere. Point being I did not have my etiquette class tonight. I had mixed feelings about that. Although it would be wonderful to not have to listen to her badger me about manners and why I couldn't dance more than three dances with one man at a ball, it also meant I had to face Erik quicker. All the men were going out that night for brandy at Jason's club, and by all the men I meant Jason, his father, and my father. It would also be a relief not to have to worry about them.
In my room, I changed into a nightgown before lying down on my soft mattress, taking a book with me. Of course I did not have much time alone before Erik came. My legs were tucked under me, and my eyes shot up the moment he opened my bedroom door, a habit I have found impossible to break. I bit the inside of cheek nervously, sitting up to try and read his expression.
It was blank.
I glanced at him for a moment before motioning towards his face. "Will you please take all of that off?"
I looked back down at my lap, listening to him unravel the cotton swabs and when I glanced back up a few moments later he was my Erik again.
We simply stared at each other for an instant before I broke it, looking down at the worn book in my hands.
"What are you reading?" he asked softly.
"A book." I replied, pointing out the obvious as I set it beside me on my nightstand.
Erik sighed as he sat on the edge of my bed. "Madeleine…"
"What?"
"I just want you to know there is no reason to be cross with me."
"And why not?"
"One week. You have one week from today until we leave."
My head snapped up, and I looked him directly into his eyes. "Really?" He nodded and I jumped up on my knees before tackling him into an embrace. "Thank you Erik. I knew you'd understand after you read the letter."
His arms wrapped tentatively around me. "Yes, I do. I know you need to protect her," he said, his breath tickling my neck and giving me shivers.
"I just don't want her to end up like me."
It was silent for a moment before either of us responded. "Everyone wants to believe they can change what they are."
"Damaged."
"Unloved."
For once, I wondered how many times a day he dies a little. "You aren't unloved anymore, Erik. Remember that."
He pulled away from me and looked deep into my eyes. "Yes, I know. But it's still hard to believe sometimes."
I sat up a bit higher on my knees and kissed him, hoping to reassure him in the only way I knew how. We both shared a secret. We understood each other, and that alone would keep us together.
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It was only three days later that Susan and my mother arrived after making my aunt's funeral arrangements. She would be buried nearby and a service would be held in two days.
I was doing my archery lesson when I saw a carriage pull up. I drew the bow back, thinking it was probably Jason or someone else that was unimportant when I saw my mother and Susan exit the carriage. I lowered the bow and squinted against the burning English sun. I met Susan's eye at the same moment she found mine. I watched her for a moment, saw her lower lip tremble before she burst into tears. I quickly gathered my skirts and ran to her. She didn't have to say anything, and I simply scooped her into my arms and held her.
Her unspoken words hung in the air. It joined the shame, the secrets, the lies, the disappointments, the wounds, the fear…everything everyone I knew was fighting against.
After a moment, my back ached from holding her, so I bent down and set her on the ground, staying at her level though. She rubbed her eyes miserably as she looked at me, pulling away.
"Would you like to go for a walk?"
She nodded, running a hand across her nose.
"Madeleine, that is not a good idea."
I looked up to see my mother standing worriedly next to me, and I realized she had been there the entire time. People who are unimportant, who don't help you when you need it, tend to fade into the background. I pursed my lips, standing up to my full height. "No, Mother, it is exactly what she needs right now."
I took her hand and led her to a path leading outside of the estate. We walked for over an hour, a word leaving neither of us. We were joined by grief, by pain, and being together was enough for now. We soon entered where I had wanted to take her: a secluded shore by the beach. Directly behind the sand was a small field with blades of grass as tall as your waist. I had found it the day my horse took off. We seated ourselves at the edge of the grass before I finally looked at her.
"Susan, are you alright?"
She did not meet my gaze, but simply looked at the ocean before shaking her head. "Why did Mama leave me?"
My heart constricted before I looked ahead as well. "Sometimes things happen that we cannot control, and even if we had known it was coming, it would be unstoppable anyways."
"Why?"
"Oh," I gave a deep sigh, wishing I had all the answers to the world for her, to give her a logical explanation for her mother's death, but in many ways, I was still a child as well. I was still trying to figure life out. I had no idea what I was going to do with my life, who I would end up with and who I would be. I looked over at Susan and realized I had to grow up, because now it was up to me to take care of her. I brushed her hair back with a swipe of my hand. "Things happen for many reason. But I do have some good news for you. Would you like to hear?" She nodded, looking at me expectantly. "Do you remember my friend Erik?"
"Yes! Isn't he back at the house with Jason?"
A grin of disbelief spread across my face. "How did you know it was him?"
She seemed to think she was in trouble, and she looked down at her lap. "I don't know…he looked the same, except for his hair."
I smiled. "Yes, he is here. And guess what? He's going to take us away from all of this!" I gestured in the general direction of the manor.
She looked up again, her eyes bright. "You aren't going to leave me?"
I gave a pained laugh, bringing her closer to me and holding her near my breast. "No Susan, you are coming with us. And we will meet with Christian once we do."
"Madeleine, what about Jason?"
I bit my lip, pulling away and releasing her. "I do not want to see him again."
"Yes, but what made you choose Erik instead of Jason?"
I thought for a moment, staring at the rippling water of the ocean. The sun was glinting off of it with a startling beauty, and I enjoyed it for a moment before answering. I thought of Jason, who had originally been the safe way to go until I had met Erik. I thought that perhaps it was being with him that I would be guarded, to only be wrong all over again. "There are no safe choices, Susan, only different ones. It is your choice to want to explore deeper, to see what is beyond."
Both of us sat there in collected silence, watching the waves crash brutally onto the shore.
I realized then I had gone so long without feeling anything. My entire life I was just how they wanted me, just a reflection of their hope, a vessel to be filled. It was so easy back then to just do as I was told, to not feel anything, and to hold fast there. But now I am changed. I want to feel what is real, to know what is happening to me. I am grateful for any emotion that is of my own causing: hope, fear, disappointment, love…
I was never cared for, never truly cared for. I was simply the road to what they wanted; a piece of clay to be molded by their own hands. And it hurt me until I realized it did not matter. All that did matter was that I cared for myself, respected myself enough to not just be another flow in the course of life. I know I cannot change the current, but all it needs is one defiance to make a ripple that will spread simultaneously, disrupting the thriving ignorance of society. Perhaps I could be that ripple.
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Genny's Note: Finals are all done, I have a new chapter, and I rewrote the first two chapters! I was very busy! (: I will not be posting rewrites (I am rewriting 1-7) until I finish this story and all seven are ready. I'll keep ypu updated on that. Please review! Two weeks with no updates was probably as hard for me as it was for you! Thanks again for understanding. (:
