A/N: I don't own this. We all know who does.
Thanks to goldentemptress, BellaEdwardlover1991, and bugsmama07 for pre-reading this. :)
Thanks to MariahajilE for keeping me in line and fixing my brain spewings. :)
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Chapter Twenty-Nine
Sunday morning did not start well. Aside from Collin's grumpiness and Kenna's sudden earache, something was wrong with my barbeque grill and it wouldn't light up. After trying everything I'd ever seen Alec do to it, I gave up and let out a frustrated grumble. It was in those moments that I found myself missing Alec. Things like fixing pipes, moving heavy furniture, replacing fuses – all the things he'd always done around the house – now fell on my shoulders. And I didn't know how to do them. I was learning, but there was still so much. If I lived closer to my dad or Jasper, I knew they would always be happy to run right over and save me, but I didn't. And even though I knew Edward would gladly take care of those things for me, I felt this need inside of myself to stand on my own. I wanted to show him – and prove to myself – that I could take care of my family, that I could be a responsible adult, that I had things under control. I needed to be that person for so many different reasons.
"Hey, Edward," I said when he picked up his phone.
"Hi. We're heading over soon. Is everything okay, or do you need me to grab something before we get there?"
My head started spinning in a very dirty direction, thinking of the things I wanted him to grab. Unfortunately, they were all parts of my body, and I knew that wasn't happening just yet.
"No, it's my grill. I can't get it to start up. I've done everything I know to do, and it's just not working. I don't think we're gonna be able to barbeque on this thing today."
"Oh, well just come over here. I've got mine, and I just used it the other night, so I know it's working. Pack up your stuff and bring it over here," he said, and I could hear the relief in his voice. I was certain there was no way he'd actually think I might cancel, not after the kissing we'd done the night before.
"Are you sure? I'm sorry, but I don't know what's wrong with it. I guess I'll have to get someone to come look at it."
"It's fine. Trust me. Come over, and we can still do what we'd planned. The kids can play, and we can hang out or whatever..."
The long, awkward pause after he finished talking sent my thoughts down that naughty road from earlier and I shook my head, letting out a deep breath.
"Okay. We'll be over in a little while."
The idea of going to Emily's house seemed to cheer my kids up a bit, and soon enough, they were dressed and helping me pack up the food for lunch. Mckenna asked about 100 times if she could wear her swimming suit since she was certain Edward would have set up Emily's slip-n-slide in the back yard. While it was getting warmer, it was nowhere near that warm, and with her earache, I assured her there would be no water activities happening that day.
Edward rushed out to help me carry bags in when we got there. The kids ran into the house ahead of me, leaving me with all the groceries.
"Let me help," he said as he hurried to the back of my car and began lifting things into his arms.
"I didn't realize how much stuff I got yesterday until this morning. I think I went a little overboard," I laughed.
"Don't worry. It just means there'll be enough for dinner tonight, too. So you can stay longer."
His smile and the glimmer in his eyes nearly had my knees knocking together, and I grinned back at him and nodded, then stumbled toward the house.
Once we had everything in the kitchen, Edward went out back to start up the grill and check on the kids, who were playing on Emily's swing set. I was standing at the counter, trying to get the hamburger patties and hot dogs ready for Edward, when I heard him walk into the room. It reminded me of a very similar moment we'd shared in my kitchen, and soon enough, his hand was resting on my hip while his other reached up and moved my hair from one shoulder to the other. His lips were instantly on my neck, and I shivered as he lightly kissed me there several times.
"The kids are playing, so I figure we got a minute or two before they notice we're not out there." His voice was deep and gritty and oozing with sex. It made my stomach flop.
"I think I love when you do this," I whispered to him.
"Good to know," he mumbled against my heated skin, then began to kiss me again. I tilted my head to the side a little more, giving him more access to me. His lips opened, and I could feel him tenderly licking and sucking and biting at me.
"Oh, crap," I moaned, causing him to laugh a little.
"Hmmm, Bella," he said, then we heard the back door slam shut.
"Daddy!" Emily yelled, and Edward let out a sigh and then pulled away from me.
"Dang kids," he muttered, and I laughed. Kids always seemed to put a damper on romance, and I knew it was going to be a long day for me and Edward.
As the afternoon wore on, I soon found myself sitting on Edward's deck that overlooked the backyard. The kids were playing and enjoying themselves, and Edward sat next to me at the table, laughing at how silly our children were being. Every time the kids got immersed in whatever game they were playing, Edward would reach over and take my hand in his. His fingers would trace up and down mine, like he was trying to memorize each little crease and line in my skin. Once I was so lost in the intense feelings coursing through me that I didn't even realize he was sliding my wedding ring from side-to-side on my finger, pressing his thumb into the diamond solitaire that sat at the top of the ring.
I hadn't been able to bring myself to remove my ring from my finger. It just didn't feel right yet, but I knew that if things with Edward began to progress as quickly as I wanted them to, I'd need to take it off. I didn't want to disrespect Alec's memory by wearing his ring while being with another man. And I never wanted Edward to question my desire for him. I didn't want him to think he was just filling a role that Alec had left open. I knew Edward still wore his ring, and I wondered when he'd finally take it off.
One thing I had done was remove the chain I wore around my neck that held Alec's ring. I still put it on every so often, but for the most part, it lay in my jewelry box, where it was safe and waiting for the day I could give it to Collin. In place of the chain, I wore the necklace Edward had given me for Easter and I found my fingers twirling over the cool, thin metal several times every day.
"So, Collin's birthday is this week. I think we're gonna have pizza and cake on Saturday afternoon. You and Emily can make it, right?" I asked Edward, looking to the side to see his eyes focused on my hand.
"Yeah, of course."
I sighed, reaching forward with my free hand and playing with the straw in my glass. "I wasn't sure about Em's gymnastics schedule."
He smiled at me – a big, goofy smile – and it made me curious.
"What?" I asked, feeling a little self-conscious.
"I like you calling her Em. Is that wrong of me?"
His words made me laugh a bit. "No, I guess not. It just feels normal to call her that. But I know how much Jane hated that nickname, so maybe that's why I never did it much before."
"Yeah, she did hate that. I call her Em all the time, and it used to drive Jane crazy," he laughed. "It's only confusing when we're around Emmett. Although, he usually ends up acting like he's Emily when he's there and I'm trying to talk to her. He's kind of a dork."
I didn't know Edward's brother that well, but from what I did know of him, I completely understood what Edward was saying.
The sky was beginning to darken by the time the kids were tiring out. We ate dinner, filling up on the leftovers from lunch, and I couldn't help but notice how comfortable and natural things felt. It was like we'd always been a family, working together every day. It was easy with Edward, and I smiled more and more each time we spent days together. Before leaving, Edward kissed me lightly on the lips as we hid in the darkened entry way. My kids were loaded into the car and Emily was getting ready for bed. It was only a minute, but feeling his arms wrap around me and pull me to him was amazing. For those 60 seconds, I completely lost myself in his whispered words, in his tender kisses, in his caring eyes... in him.
I loved it.
On our way home, Collin was quiet. "What's up, honey?" I asked him, glancing at him in the rearview mirror. Mckenna had fallen asleep the moment my car left Edward's driveway.
"I like being at Emily's house," he said.
"I'm glad. I do, too."
"I like Uncle Edward, too." His voice was softer, like he was admitting something he didn't think he should.
"That's okay. It's okay to like Uncle Edward. You know that, right?" I asked.
"Yeah. But Mommy, do you think Daddy would be sad if I like Uncle Edward?"
"No, of course not."
I knew we'd covered this topic before, but my son was so much like me, I figured Collin probably needed more reassurance that what he was feeling was okay. For a moment, I wondered, too, if he and Mckenna should attend a therapy session with me or on their own. That was something I'd have to ask Dr. Carmen at my next appointment.
"Uncle Edward acts like a dad. He's a good dad to Emily, and sometimes, he feels like a dad to me, too," Collin said.
I let out a deep breath, hoping to find the right words to say to my son. "He is a good dad. He loves Emily, and I know he loves you and Kenna, too. Maybe that's why he feels like a dad."
"Do you think he would ever wanna be my dad? Would he do fun stuff with me like Daddy did?"
My heart stopped beating for a moment. I knew it had, because suddenly my eyes were filled with tears and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't feel any part of my body, and I was grateful that we were stopped at a stop sign. It was late and there was no one else around, so we sat there for a few moments as I watched Collin in the mirror.
"Honey, I think Uncle Edward would love to be a dad to you someday, if that's what you wanted." Edward's words to me when we'd fought in my backyard came ringing through my ears, and I remembered how passionately he'd said them.
"I would be honored if Collin chose to call me his dad someday."
The thought made me shiver, and I drew a shaky breath into my lungs.
"Mommy, sometimes I forget what Daddy looks like," Collin whispered. And it broke my heart. "Do you think he'll be mad at me if I forget about that?"
I shook my head. "No, baby, he won't be mad. Sometimes I forget, too. That's when I go look at our pictures with him, and I see him smiling and how happy he was. I know how much he loves us, and then I remember again."
Collin sighed a heavy sigh that no nearly six-year-old boy should ever have to sigh. "Maybe I need to get more pictures, so I'll remember better."
We were quiet the rest of the way home, and when I tucked him into his bed that night, I noticed several pictures from around the house were resting on his nightstand. And I saw the photo collage I'd made for him tucked safely into his bed next to his pillow.
It was hard falling asleep in my bed that night, laying there and thinking about the things Collin had said. Then I started thinking about Alec, trying to remember every little thing about him, and I couldn't. I quietly cried myself to sleep, wondering if moving forward with Edward so soon was really the right thing for me to do. It felt right, but was it? I just wasn't sure, and I needed to be before I made a huge mistake I could never take back.
Esme kept Emily on Monday and Tuesday afternoons, so I didn't get to see Edward until Wednesday evening. By that point, I needed to see him. We'd exchanged several text messages and a few phone calls, but seeing him – feeling him – was different. When he walked into my house that day, the kids were sitting at the table eating dinner.
"You guys sit and eat, okay? I need to talk to Uncle Edward for just a minute. We'll be right back. And if you're good, then I'll give you two cupcakes tonight, okay?" I asked the kids as I gently pushed Edward out of the kitchen and toward the hallway. The look on his face showed he was curious as to what I needed to talk to him about, but the kids agreed and he followed me, so I didn't worry about it. Once we were in the hall bathroom, I closed the door and turned to face Edward.
"Is everything okay?" he asked, watching me closely.
I was still for a few moments, then nodded and moved toward him, wrapping my arms around his waist and hugging him. "I missed you."
His quiet laugh filled the air around us. "I missed you, too," he said, circling his arms around me. "Are you all right? Did something happen?"
I didn't want to look at him as I spoke, so I kept my cheek against his chest. "It's fine. It's just... things with us. This is serious, right? I mean, I don't wanna screw up what we had before. And I'm feeling kinda like... I don't know. I'm just... I don't..."
"Hey," he softly said, rubbing his hands up and down my back. "You know this is at your speed, okay? I want something serious with you, but if you're not ready, I'll wait. I don't want you to get upset over this. I mean it."
A sigh left my body, and I relaxed a little. "So if this doesn't work, we're gonna be okay, right?"
He pushed back from me and took my chin in his hand, tilting it upward until I was looking at him. "Why wouldn't this work, Bella?"
"It's just... Collin was talking about Alec and how he missed him and how he can't always remember what he looked like. And that got me to thinking, and I realized I can't remember it all the time, either. And then I was trying to think about Alec's little quirks that used to drive me crazy or the sweet things he'd do or say, and I can't remember all of them anymore. And the only thing different is that I have you now, and I don't know if I can risk losing Alec for something that's not gonna last. You know?"
Edward smiled a warm and caring smile, then let out a long breath. "Bella, I don't want to take Alec's place. I don't want you to forget about him. He was your husband, and he's Collin and Mckenna's father. Nothing will ever change that. You don't have to forget him for me. I don't want that. He was my family, too, and I want to be able to talk about him with you. And I want to be able to talk about Jane with you. And I want our kids to know we loved Alec and Jane, and that no matter what happens between us, that will never, ever change."
"Collin said you act like a dad to him sometimes," I whispered, my eyes stinging with tears. Maybe it wasn't the right time to be telling Edward, but I couldn't keep it inside anymore. "He asked if maybe you'd want to be his dad someday and do dad things with him. Edward... If you and I start something and the kids know, it won't be just us that are hurt if things go wrong. I need to know that no matter what that you're gonna be in our lives, whether you and I are together or not."
I watched him closely as he looked at me, leaning his head to the side and running his fingers through my hair a few times. Then his fingertips ghosted over my shoulder, down my arm, and behind his back where he took hold of my hand and brought it up between us. Lacing our fingers together, he leaned down and kissed my knuckles.
"No matter what, I'm always gonna be here for you and the kids. Always."
"Promise?" I begged.
"Promise," he assured me, then leaned forward and kissed my lips. It was sweet and loving and reassuring, and after it was over, I pressed my body against his and held him for a few more moments. I felt his face in my hair, felt him breathing in and out and lightly kissing me over and over again.
The road to what we wanted wouldn't be easy, but I knew if we were careful and if we gave it all we had, we could do it. I had to believe in us. I wanted it too much not to.
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