Chapter 29 – Becca

Important moments pass in a blink, but the memory crystallizes in minute detail. I remembered the smell of mom's shampoo, the feel of the cool water at the duck pond, and the way the light fell on the trees as that lone hawk soared high above my mom's funeral. I remembered the sound of Jake's triumphant laughter the first time he beat me in a foot race. I remembered the bitter taste of the licorice Rachel and I stole from Ms. Call's shop on a dare and the lighter than air feeling of Dad and I zooming out into the ocean on a borrowed fishing boat.

It had been fourteen years since Mom died and it still felt like yesterday. The wounds were still fresh. I'd always thought that if it didn't hurt to remember my mom, I was forgetting her. I'd allowed myself that one place, that one person where I could remember Mom without pain, but I'd been without that for years.

Dad and Rachel hadn't forgotten Mom, not at all, but they could remember with a smile. In the six rainy days since the showdown in the forest, I hadn't left my family's property. I listened to Dad and to Rachel when she came home for the weekend. I tried very hard to be strong like them.

Their memories were as crystal clear as mine, but Rachel would smile while she ran her thumb along an old nick on the kitchen table. Dad would sigh happily when he'd say goodnight to us with a double peck on the cheek, just like Mom used to. They'd tell stories out of the blue, like when Rachel put on Mom's orange daisy earrings and Dad had laughed and said that those were the only flowers he'd been allowed to buy Mom. She hadn't liked cut flowers. She'd wanted things to grow in the earth.

My cracked armor had crumbled in the last week, and I wasn't capable of rebuilding it. I descended into hell raw with emotion. Their stories made me ache from skull to toenail.

I'd give anything to have Mom back. I wanted the pain to go away. I wanted to wrap my arms around her neck and have her twirl me around. I wanted her to tell me when I was making stupid decisions and hug me when I failed. I wanted life itself not to be truth that can be ripped away at any second. She'd never told me life was a lie, and I hated that.

She wasn't coming home, not ever, and that made me angrier than I'd ever been in my life. I'm not usually a yeller. My anger simmers while I stew in it and hide from the world, but Dad and Rachel didn't let me get away with that. If there hadn't been a punching bag in Jake's shed, the house would have a lot of broken dishes.

Occasionally, there were tears. Mostly from me, which surprised me because I had gone so long without crying, and now I couldn't seem to stop. I vacillated from one emotion to another so often, I could feel Dad and Rachel checking my mood each time I walked into the living room.

Once, when I'd slammed the front door too hard, Rachel came to find me in the shed. I was taping my hands so I could punch the hell out of something. She stepped out of the rain and leaned against the shed frame. She was quiet, just watching me, and for some reason that pissed me off.

"Did you know this was going to happen when you asked me to help with the wedding?" I asked, releasing my first hit.

"I thought it might happen. I didn't think you'd find out about the wolves so quickly, but I knew it would be hard for you to be here."

"I'm not going to be here long," I said, landing a satisfying jab.

"You're not leaving any time soon."

She was right. The world was too real already without adding in the issues waiting for me out there.

She walked over to me, leaned on her toes, and double kissed my sweaty temple. "I love you," she said. Then she turned and walked away. That's the thing about having a twin, they tend to know what you need before you do.

In my more rational moments, they told me about the Cullens. Dad explained the story from the beginning: how the Cullens protected a then human Bella from a dangerous tracker vampire. When the wolves changed they worked with the Cullens to beat an army of newborn vampires. Some of the wolves protected the Cullens when Bella was in danger. Bella hadn't been murdered; she had chosen the life she led now. When Renesme was in danger, the wolves allied with the Cullens against vampire royalty. They had become friends and family over the years. They were our strongest allies, and necessary, because there was still a very real threat. We needed our Protectors, both wolf and vampire.

I could see the logic in it. I could see that the Cullens had proven themselves trustworthy in the years that I'd been gone and that we were stronger with them on our side. I could even see the emotional side of it. I was grateful for their loyalty. I wanted my brother to be happy and he needed Renesme.

I was trying to be strong. The problem was, I wasn't strong like them. Having vampire allies was still unnatural and dangerous. I couldn't remember Mom without pain and I wanted to run as far as I could from here. But maybe that was changing, too.

In the five weeks I'd been home I'd seen and done things so strange that I hardly recognized myself. I'd seen my best friend change into a wolf. I'd kissed that best friend. A lot. I'd talked wedding details with a vampire. Most disturbingly, I'd become entrenched in a life I'd sworn to leave and never look back.

I'd gone from feeling like I was making a short trip into hell to actually coping with my little vacation into the cold.

This place and its unrelenting rain were getting to me, which is why I was hiding in my room one hazy afternoon.

There was no warning of his arrival.

The house was quiet except for the low sound of the Marlins game Dad was watching in the living room. One minute I was listening to the rain, trying not to think about how upset my family would be when I left, and the next there was a knock at the front door.

Dad said that I didn't want to see anyone. They spoke in low voices, and then I heard the squeak of Billy's chair on the linoleum and the soft click of the front door closing.

"Becca," Embry said from outside of my bedroom door. I hated that my heart leapt when I heard his voice. I focused on my half packed duffel bag and willed myself to be strong enough to resist him.

"I just want to talk, and then I'll leave you alone." His voice, muffled through the closed door, was sharp with impatience. I cursed myself for making him unhappy. I wanted to go to him, console him, but I held on to my bedpost like a buoy keeping me afloat.

One thing I knew for sure after this week of being mostly alone with my thoughts: I had to leave before I did any lasting damage. Rachel had convinced me to come back for the wedding. I'd had no intention of making a life here. I wished everyone would remember that instead of trying to get me to stay, even if it did seem more appealing each day. Besides, Embry's life was already too complicated without having to deal with my issues.

After a long minute, he sighed. "You're not ready to talk. Fine." His voice was quiet. "Bec, don't leave. Not before you've given it some time. I know you've always wanted to be anywhere but here, but you can handle this. You can be happy here. Stay."

He was a good friend for believing in me, for knowing with such certainty that I was strong enough. I'd almost started to believe it myself. But the pain in his voice told me he was more than looking out for me; he was going to be hurt when I left. We were both stupid for getting so involved. I shook my head, thinking how we just couldn't help ourselves.

Something in that last thought made my stomach flip. "No," I said out loud.

Imprinting was always a romantic, impossible idea, like all of the impossible ideas that our legends told us. I'd always thought it was another myth, a metaphor. The great warriors imprinted on the mate that gave their tribe the best chance to grow stronger, that's what Dad said. It was just a metaphor for human nature. People are attracted to those that are more healthy. Women like stronger men because genetics tells them they can protect them. Men like women with larger breasts and hips because that means they are fertile. Imprinting wasn't real.

But Jake had imprinted on Renesme, and Paul had imprinted on Rachel. So maybe it wasn't a state of mind, maybe it was actual magic. The idea that had seemed so romantic to me my whole life now made me itch. No matter how wonderful Embry was, I was claimed, stuck. Tied to the ground again instead of flying. The wolf, not the hawk.

To be honest, the thought had crossed my mind what it would be like to be with Embry. He was kind, my best friend, so fun and adventurous and strong. He was an excellent kisser and was so, so beautiful. He was even beautiful as a wolf, with that soft gray fur and black spots on his back. But no, I didn't want this. Not some crazy wolf-warrior tie to me.

I wasn't having it. I ran to my door to tell him so, but the hallway was empty. He had gone. Well, this couldn't wait. I had to stop this before it started. I had to find him.

Do you think Becca's healing? What is she going to say to Embry? What would you do in her situation?

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