Mom stares at me. Christian Stares at me.
The door swings open and in strides a nurse. "Mrs Adams, time for your lunch." She looks embarrassed, sensing the tension.
"Carla, Ana and I need to get back to Seattle. Will you be okay?"
As the nurse bustles about, setting up Mom's lunch table and helping her sit upright, Mom nods.
"Ana, you be sure to talk this over with your husband." Mom says deliberately making absolutely sure I have no other option. Christian narrows his eyes and I notice his jaw tighten.
"Anastasia has promised to tell me what is going on right after we leave here. Now, you get yourself better and let us know if you need anything." Stepping forward and wearing his trademark Christian Grey smile, he leans down and kisses Mom on the cheek. She grasps his arm and looks right at him. "Christian, Thank you so much for everything, for the flowers and everything else. You just make sure you look after my little girl. She needs taking care of. She looks exhausted and awfully thin." Christian simply nods, "I'm on it Carla, believe me. Now, I am going to take my wife out to lunch and then back to Seattle." He understands that there is much more behind her words than what she is saying.
"Bye Mom. Like Christian says, call if you or Bob need anything."
We get in the back of the car and head off. Christian must have already agreed with Sawyer where we are going because he says nothing to him. He just fixes me with his unshakable glare.
"What have you got to tell me Ana?"
"It's a long story. Don't you want to eat first? I think we need privacy, for some of it anyway."
That is clearly not the answer Christian either anticipated or wanted. He closes his eyes for a moment as if pained, releasing an almost undetectable breath at the same time.
"You are killing me here Ana. Just give me an idea. Have you done something that I… that I'd disapprove of?"
"Yes. I mean no… well nothing really bad… not on purpose, I mean… not like that. Only as a consequence of… of something else."
"Has someone hurt you? Is someone trying to hurt you?"
"Well, I guess yes, kind of. Please, we need to do this when we are alone."
He runs his hands anxiously through his hair. I feel awful for what I'm doing to him and stare down into my lap, repetitively twisting my wedding band. His hand gently stills mine. He gently squeezes my hand. Our eyes meet. "Christian, I love you. I have got myself into a mess is all and I need to find my way out."
"You just have to tell me what's going on so I can pull you out whatever mess it is Ana," He says softly as we stop outside a restaurant with olive trees in planters sitting in a neat row screening a large, canopied terrace. He adds in a sarcastic tone under his breath "… pull you out kicking and screaming by your hair if necessary… " he opens the door and steps out onto the kerb.
Christian uses his usual no nonsense tone with the waitress, who visibly blushes and looks away every time he speaks to her. He orders poached salmon and sautéed potatoes with salad for both of us to be washed down with a crisp bottle of Chablis.
As Christian pours my wine having impatiently dismissed the waitress – I thought she was going to cry! – he can't help himself…
"Who were you supposed to be meeting at the Heathman on Thursday Anastasia?"
I am taken aback. He knew!
"Umm I um…." I don't want to have this conversation on the terrace of a crowded restaurant! "You agreed we could talk about this when we are in private." I whisper across the table urgently.
"I agreed nothing Ana. Just tell me who… or you'd so help me this will be the last meal you can eat sitting down for some time!"
"Shit Christian… I don't know where to start… it's complicated."
"Start with the name of the man whom you ditched security and your best friend in the middle of the night for; the man for whom you then defied my driving ban and hired a death trap of a sports car and drove across a state to meet in secret. The man for whom you have told a tissue of lies ever since; the man you persuaded Kate and my brother lie for in a shambolic and ineffective attempt to cover your tracks. The man who in the last few days has turned my sweet, funny and gentle wife into a nervous wreck one moment and a foot stamping brat who could frankly do with a damn good spanking the next. Start with the name Anastasia."
"How did you know I ditched Kate?"
"That's the part you choose to focus on Anastasia? Really?"
"I just… I thought that you… you know"
"You thought I'd swallowed a pack of lies about you and Kate disappearing off to get references? No I didn't. I knew you went alone before I'd even landed. Elliot confirmed what I already knew when you all arrived back."
"Oh… so Elliot told you the truth? I didn't know."
"Ana Elliot knows I don't tolerate dishonesty. He didn't want to lie, he was persuaded and I am prepared to put it down to a temporary lapse of judgement. I told him not to tell Kate or you that I knew the truth. It was the least he could do after going against his better judgement and lying in the first place. As I said, he didn't tell me you went alone, he just confirmed what I knew already. I called the Heathman myself from the plane."
"Of course you did!" I sound more sarcastic than I intend, my eyes rolling skyward as I speak.
"Be careful Ana; I have been very patient, and I have tolerated bad behaviour for long enough. My patience has run out, I you will not get away with tantrums, lies and smart remarks any longer."
Our food arrives. For once, the arrival of food is a welcome relief! As the waitress places in front of us large white plates, with a tower of potatoes salmon and attractive leaves artfully arranged in the centre, another waitress refills our glasses, Christian reaches into his pocket, pulling out his Blackberry. Funny, I didn't hear it ring. He doesn't put is to his ear but looks intently at the screen as he appears to scroll through emails. This is unlike Christian who is usually the master of good manners. The moment the waitress asks us if she can get us anything else, Christian dismisses her and hands me his Blackberry.
"Look at the picture. Is that the man you were meeting?"
I look down, horrified, at a picture of Steve. He has a little less hair than I remember and is thicker around the middle, but him alright. And I recognise where he is standing almost at once… he is at the reception desk at the Heathman.
"How did you get this?"
"Welch. He sent someone over to intercept him. Unfortunately, apart from a picture we got nothing. He made a scene and left. We had no way of identifying him, except perhaps for this picture. So who is he Anastasia and what does he want with you?"
"His name is Steve Morton."
"Why do I know that name? Who is he?"
"He was married to my Mom, after Ray."
"Husband number 3. I remember. Why were you meeting him in secret?"
"He's not nice man Christian…"
"All the more confusing as to why you'd meet him at all, let alone without security."
"He was trying to blackmail me. I didn't want you to know."
Christian looks exasperated. Running his hands through his hair, jaw clenched tight. I know that if we were in private, he would be going bat shit crazy right about now. He calms himself, looks deep into my eyes and in a low, steady, unfaltering voice he commands "pick up your knife and fork and eat your lunch. All of it. We will continue this discussion in private." Uh oh!
I eat. Christian doesn't speak. I'm not sure he can. Eventually, in a small voice I venture… "Are you mad with me Christian?"
"Off the scale." He replies looking at me for the first time since he told me to eat. He continues after a moments pause, "Ana, baby, I just cannot fathom why you choose to try and handle these things all by yourself. It makes me more furious than you can imagine."
"but…."
"NO BUTS! Do you have any idea how much we invest in security?"
"No, of course I don't"
"It's a sit load of money Ana. And this kind of crap is precisely what I employ them to deal with. When you have the kind of wealth we have, nut-jobs coming out of the woodwork, trying to extort money is so commonplace it is normal! You just pass it on to security and forget about it. YOU DO NOT arrange to meet them in private without telling anyone where the fuck you are going! Jeez, I don't know why I fucking bother." He glances over at me. I am trying not to cry.
"Don't you dare stop eating Anastasia. … I don't mean to be harsh with you, but you have been so mind bogglingly stupid this time. I don't know any other way. I have no idea how I'm going to deal with this… with you. Just eat your damn lunch."
"There is a lot more to it than that Christian. A lot more." And I look at him, imploring him not to be angry with me. Christian takes a deep breath and sighs. Dabbing his mouth with his napkin he looks at me and his face softens somewhat.
"I am sure there is baby. We will talk about after lunch. Eat."
After dinner, I can barely keep my eyes open. I fall asleep in the back of the car on the way to the airport and only wake when Christian opens my door and takes my hand to help me out onto the tarmac. As soon as we are in the air, Christian asks Natalie for a whisky for him and a diet Coke for me. When we have our drinks, he orders that we not be disturbed. And so here we are, alone. No more excuses.
"I am waiting Ana…"
"I know. Okay – here goes. When you were away last week, I got a letter…"
I go on to explain the chronology of what happened. The letter, the conversation that followed. I don't tell him about what Steve did to me… not yet. I have to handle it carefully. I explain about Steve, about how he used to bully and threaten and how by the time they got married I had already lost a lot of weight. I am getting closer to telling him, Christian is looking more and more frustrated as I explain.
"This doesn't stack up Ana. He had nothing to blackmail you with. You knew before I went to China that I knew all about your weight loss and the clinic. Why the fuck would me knowing that be a problem anyway? I am your goddamn husband! You are not telling me something."
"No, you are right. I'm working up to it. You aren't going to like it…"
With that Christian suddenly stands and starts pacing, holding his whisky in one hand, running his other hand through his hair.
"Fuck fuck fuck. Did he… did he touch you? Sexually? He fucking touched you didn't he? He abused you. Fuck, did your stepfather rape you Anastasia?" He is getting angry again.
I stand square in front of him and place my hands on either side of his head, and say simply "No. No one else has touched me but you. Never."
Christian takes a deep, cleansing breath, his relief clearly visible. He places a hand under my chin, stroking my cheek with his forefinger. "You'd better tell me what it was then."
"Not here. The bedroom."
"We are alone Ana, nobody is listening."
"Please. I just… I need this to feel private. Completely private."
Christian leads me into the bedroom, closes and locks the door behind us. I sit on the end of the bed. He sits opposite on the small white upholstered stool that sits in front of the cabin vanity unit.
"Before I tell you…" as I speak, I can see him rolling his eyes. He is right… that is annoying! "before I tell you, I want you to know that I don't want things to change between us. I love our life together. I love your particular way of… looking after me. If it changed, I would be heartbroken." Christian says nothing, just cocks his head, adopting a slightly confused look.
"I said Steve was a bully. He was. He used to scare me to death. He threatened to punish me, often. I was in no doubt that he wanted nothing more than to beat me black and blue and would have used any excuse. I coped. I stopped eating. I lost weight. It helped me. It helped me feel I had some control over my own life. Then, one day, after they married, he tried to force me to eat by threatening me with a switch. I wouldn't and I knew he just longed to punish me. My Mom says she'd told him he could spank me. It wasn't her fault, she didn't know what to do and Steve persuaded her that all I needed was a spanking. When I refused to eat, he went into the garden to cut a switch, but I didn't wait around to find out what he was going to do with it. I ran out, I took his car. I was only just 16 years old and couldn't drive so the inevitable happened and I smashed it into a parked car just a couple of blocks away. When Steve caught up with me, he took the blame for the accident, then he beat me with that switch until I couldn't stand up. He took pictures of his handiwork.
When he sent that letter, he told me he'd show you the pictures, tell you I was a delinquent, that he saved me from jail. I couldn't let him. He was a sadist Christian, you are not. You have never made me feel like that… well maybe once, for a moment a long, long time ago."
"The belt." He says in a flat, expressionless voice.
"Yes, the belt. But that on time, was in my head. It's like you and touching. You couldn't bare me to touch you once because of how you'd been touched in the past. I remember, that day… with the belt. I told you then that I hated the idea of punishment like you hated being touched. It was true, I did. I did because of Steve. All you knew of being touched was being touched cruelly, by an inhuman pimp when you weren't much more than a baby. All I knew of punishment was Steve. But now Christian, touching for you is all about love and intimacy and you and me together. It's just the same for me. What we have, what you do with me, it's all about love, about our closeness, and our bond."
I can't look at him. I feel afraid. I am terrified that the knowledge of what Steve Morton did will have wounded him, or worse. If Christian thinks he has hurt me, that he has in some way tortured or damaged me with his threats and discipline, If he thinks I have ever looked at him and seen Steve, if this makes him feel like a sick sadist again, like he used to, if any of that is true, it will break him and it might break us. I couldn't bare if this changed things between us. I have grown to love all aspects of out relationship. His control is born out of love, and although when he spanks me for punishment it hurts and I don't like it, the fact he needs to do it, the fact he will do it… well, I find that steaming hot. I love our life.
I look up. His face gives nothing away.
"And Carla… what did she do to protect you?"
"Nothing. I don't think she really knew till that day how he was with me. I didn't tell her."
"No surprises there. You keep everything in." his face is hard, eyes dark, and his jaw is tight as he says this. I know it drives him nuts.
"I ran off to live with Ray the day after. We never spoke of Steve again… until today. I found some pictures at Moms, in all that mess. Here… one is of Mom. He beat her." I pull the picture out of my purse and hand it to him. " He beat her just once,. It was after I left to live with my dad. She found some pictures of me. He took them in secret."
I can't bear to describe any more. I just hand him the pictures. As he holds them in his hand, I notice it has begun to shake.
"Mom kept them. Insurance. She used them to persuade him to agree to a quick divorce. There is a letter too, from him dated just before they divorced. I haven't read it yet but.." As I take it out of my purse, Christian snatches it from my hand, opens it and scans it's content, before folding it once more, and standing to put it into his back pocket. He still hasn't said a word. "Christian, I think it was Steve that attacked Mom. I think he broke into her house and I think he was looking for more pictures… like those ones. He called me Christian. Today. He has Moms cellphone. He has my number, and yours too."
"Give me your Balackberry." He holds out his hand. I fish around in mt purse and hand it to him.
"I want you to get into bed and get some sleep. We won't land for another 3 hours, you need to rest."
"What does the letter say?"
"Not now Anastasia. Bed."
"But Christian… I need to know what you are thinking!"
"Just do what you are damn well told!"
"But how can I sleep when I…"
"I swear to God Anastasia, if you don't get into that bed this minute, I won't be responsible for my actions!"
Reluctantly, peel off my jeans, and I climb into the bed wearing just my panties and vest top. "Go to sleep. Do not even think about getting up before I come back."
He sweeps out of the bedroom, closing the door behind him. I'm shell shocked. I feel hollow, empty, like I've been winded. I feel as if my world might just collapse around my ears. He just walked out? Is he mad with me? Is he even talking to me? Is he hurt or has this messed with his mind so much he's lost his reason? I sit in the middle of the bed, hugging my knees that are hunched up to my chest. I want to follow him. I want answers. I want to know if things are broken between us. I want to know what the fuck is in that letter!
I creep out of the bed and cross the room. I open the door a crack and peer out. The short corridor is empty. I slowly venture out of the bedroom. When I reach the cabin I poke my face around the door. Christian in a seat, his back to me, the letter laid out on the table in front of him next to my Blackberry. At first I think he is quietly talking to himself, then I realise he is on the phone. As I approach, his face freezes, his eyes seem to darken and his jaw stiffens.
"I will call you back" he says to whoever is on the other end of the phone, then hangs up.
He stands. His voice is controlled, quiet, familiar in it's unequivocal tone "Did I not make myself clear enough?"
"yes but…"
"No buts. I told you earlier, my patience has run out. Did you think it was a good idea to test me on that?"
"No, I was just worried."
"I am not dumb. I see the difference between the behaviour of a sick Paedo with sadistic tendencies and my own need for control and need to keep you safe. But just in case you need a little reassurance…let me put your mind at rest Mrs Grey"
He grabs my arm at the wrist and pulls me behind him back to the bedroom where he sits on the bed and yanks me firmly across his lap. Oh! That is not what I expected at all!
Maybe I've been worrying about nothing all this time? It sure doesn't feel like he is worried that he can't act like he always has with me.
"This spanking is long overdue."
And as if answering my thoughts, Christian yanks down my panties and brings his firm hand down on my behind, spanking it rosie red!
