Another time perhaps 29

Caroline woke to strong sunlight, she hadn't remembered to shut her bedroom curtains and now the sun bounced off the slippery sheet of snow and in through the polished glass of her window into her eyes. Caroline's head felt like a football, One that had just been used in a cup final, or maybe a rugby ball, slammed over the touchline. Her head ached, her eyes were swollen and she felt desert dry, like every single drop of fluid had escaped her the night before. Jumped ship before it sank. Her throat was tight, raw. Water.

The door opened almost as quickly as she had mustered the word in her mind and her mother bustled in with a tray, brushing several used tissues into the bin and setting it neatly on to the bedside cabinet. Caroline's face had sunken back into her pillow and muffled her groan. Fresh torture. All she knew is that when she came in to the house last night she had burst into tears, strangled sobs in the hallway, which of course had Celia dashing to see what the matter was. Caroline rarely cried at all but if she did it was in her own room, in private. She had shed a few tears at her Grandmothers funeral, but it had all been very dignified, not like this.

Caroline's chest had jerked forwards and upwards with every effort at breathing and catching back the breath that left her caused a sound like that of an injured animal, she put a hand to her chest, one covering her mouth but it couldn't hold them back.

"Oh my goodness!" Celia yelped as she rushed down the hallway. "Caroline! What's happened? Caroline?" Celia had reached her and put a hand to her upper arm, shaking it slightly. "What is it?"

Caroline couldn't look her mother in the eye and she stubbornly sealed her lips and shook her head as she leant back against the door.

"Please! Tell me whats happened? Is it your Dad? Has something happened to him?" Celia asked now.

Caroline shook her head again and pushed herself off the door and reached past her mother for the banister of the stairs, she felt like she needed support to keep standing and she focused on the task of dragging herself up the stairs one at a time, it was as if her whole body had suddenly become unbearably heavy.

She heard her Mother at the foot of the stairs, calling up after her and she turned like the snap of a whip, thinking only to prevent Celia's pursuit.

"What do you care!" She lashed. "You'll be happy now. You have what you wanted!"

Her Mother gawped up at her blankly. "What are you talking about?"

The red hot fury burned even through the dilution of tears. "Kate!" Caroline snapped and cracked.

A glimmer of realisation passed through Celia and she became quiet, took her hand from the rail by the bottom step. Stood down.

Caroline span away and into her room where she had thrown herself into her bed and cried herself to sleep.

Now Celia held up the glass of water and waited wordlessly for Caroline to turn her head and then her body, eventually to push herself to sitting and to reach out for the vessel.

"I've made you a boiled egg, some toast, I almost cut it into soldiers...you remember you used to always ask for my boiled egg when you were feeling a bit poorly." Celia said, smiling at the memory, of the comfort she had once so easily given.

"Mmm not poorly." Caroline said as she handed back the empty glass. "And I'm not hungry. I'm just tired." Caroline said turning on her side, back to her mother and pushing herself back into the bed, beneath the covers.

"Hmm, maybe I'll pop back in an hour and check on you." Celia touched her fingers to Caroline's hair.

"No. Just leave me alone." Caroline called before pulling the covers up around her ears.

Celia got up and made her way toward the door. "I know you're hurting Caroline and if it helps you to blame me then go ahead, I suppose that's what I'm here for, but I hope you know I don't enjoy seeing you like this...quite the opposite...maybe one day you'll understand...when you've a daughter of your own..." Celia sighed and slipped out of the room, the door clicking softly shut behind her.

Caroline had stayed in bed for another hour, until she really couldn't stay in it any longer, there was no hope of sleep, that wasn't what she wanted, she wanted punishment, she wanted to hurt more than she had hurt Kate, but the spooling of the reel was too much, images of Kate, from last night, from before, projected in her mind, across her senses, making her feel mad. She had to get up, get out, she had said she would go and see Kate. She didn't know why she had said it. Guilt. Fear. Afraid that last night would be the last she would see of her, would be the lasting memory, the parting of ways.

Caroline stayed too long in the shower, standing until the water ran cold and she shivered, teeth chattered. She dressed and took the time to make her hair look perfect. She saw her own eyes looking strangely back at her in the mirror, accusing. She walked right past her mother without a glance.

She knocked at Kate's door and stood back on the step, her knuckles smarting from the thud against the cold hard door. She pulled her coat tight, her scarf whipping in the wind and shivered. Leon answered the door. He looked carefully at Caroline and before she could put any words together he turned his back on her and slipped back into the house leaving the door wide open.

Caroline paused on the step, she would normally hurry in, close the door, it was the middle of winter, she didn't want the house to loose it's warmth. But she felt as if this house wasn't hers to share in anymore and she hung in the doorway stupidly. Closing the door she paused again, considering the coats thrown and draped over the banister, today she kept her coat on and edged into the house. The kitchen was quiet for a change and Caroline wondered curiously if Kate's mum had ventured out, the world usually came to her.

After a minute she supposed that she should go to Kate's room and she stopped and knocked at the door, waiting for a reply, mot sure if she wanted one, it was worse than going into an exam.

Kate opened the door and glanced briefly at Caroline before permitting her entry. She came in and stood behind the door and watched as Kate moved to the other side of the room, by the window, out of reach, the glare of winter sunshine blurring her outline.

"Morning." Caroline greeted as she came in.

Kate waited, arms folded.

"Are you alright? Did you get some sleep?" Caroline asked.

Kate shrugged one shoulder. "I'm fine."

The change was there already, what had taken months to build, to uncover, to share, had been retracted, restricted access, off limits. Caroline had become a danger and Kate was wary, was armored up.

Caroline put her hands in her pockets, her coat still buttoned up. "I thought we could go and get a cup of tea?" She suggested.

Kate looked out of the window as she spoke. "I don't think so...I look like shit..."

"No you don't...you always look..." She dropped it. Not her place to say. Not fair. Not safe. She had thought a public place would be easier, than here, the scene of her crime.

"Have you got something to say?" Kate asked sharply. "Something different to what you said last night?"

Caroline looked at her feet. "No. I...I'm sorry..."

"You said that." Kate informed flatly.

"I am sorry..." Softly.

"John." Kate said, folding her arms more closely about herself.

"It's not really about him..." Caroline cut in.

Kate nodded once. "He's just...your way out."

"Perhaps." Caroline admitted.

"It won't work..." Kate told her. "You can run away from me Caroline, from us...but not from yourself."

Caroline didn't argue. "Probably not."

"You're going to regret this one day ..." Kate warned.

Every day, Caroline thought. "Well, I just wanted to check you were...you know...okay...I suppose...could I ring you? Tomorrow maybe?"

"Why?" Kate asked, frowning.

"I don't know Kate, I don't know what I'm supposed to do, I just, thought maybe we could talk, handle this like...adults. Like friends." Caroline amended as she received a glare.

"Okay. Ring me tomorrow." Kate instructed cooly, turning her back on Caroline once again.

"Good, thanks." Caroline replied as she put her hand to the door knob and made to leave.

Kate noticed her movements from the corner of her eye and she finally let her arms fall to her sides and turned to face the blonde.

"It's a shame, I would have done absolutely anything for you." Kate swore, a twisted smile.

"I know that." Caroline said in the doorway. "I'm sorry."

Caroline slipped out, it had taken her so much energy to be in that room again and it had only been for a minute. She wanted to go home, she didn't want to speak to anyone. She had done this and there was no taking it back now, no matter how much she wanted to. She knew that when she had begun, she had to stick to it now.

More than anything she wanted Kate to remain in her life, she could only bare loosing her love, if she was still around as a friend. If she could keep in contact at least, if she knew how she was in the world, what she was doing. It would be tricky, she knew that but she couldn't think of it being any other way and with time, it could work. It had to work.

Without looking or thinking she had found her way home and as she got closer she saw her Dad step out and slam the door behind him, his face red and thundery. He almost ran into her.

"Oh! Maybe you can talk to her Caroline! She always was impossible!" He fumed.

"What is it?" Caroline asked, eager to step away from her own troubles for a moment, to those of someone else.

"She'll explain. I better go. Are you alright? You look..." He eyed her curiously.

"Just a cold." She assured with a smile, hugging her arms about her.

"Go on inside then. And don't forget. Margaret is making dinner for you and Kate on Sunday, she hasn't stopped talking about it." He allowed himself a small smile and then was gone.

"Shit." Caroline cursed. She hadn't though about that. They had agreed a few days ago that she and Kate would go for Sunday dinner. She hadn't exactly been looking forward to it but it had seemed a much less daunting prospect with Kate by her side. Now she would have to go alone, make an excuse for Kate. She let herself into the house and called her Mum.

Caroline found her a moment later, in the sitting room, likely where she had been talking to Kenneth. Celia didn't look up.

"Mum? What is it? I saw Dad. Why was he here?" Caroline asked, moving to the seat by her Mother.

Celia's eyes flickered over Caroline. "Ahhhhh, You're back. I was worried, the state you went out in this morning."

Caroline ignored the comment. "What did Dad want?"

Celia looked tired, worn. "He says, he can't afford to keep two houses going forever. He wants me to get a job and start supporting myself or else sell this place and get somewhere smaller. There's only you, he says, rubbing it in."

Caroline was shocked, she hadn't considered this, but she supposed it was to be expected. Margaret worked herself but she couldn't be expected to support the family alone if Kenneth was living there full time, for good.

"What are you going to do?" Caroline asked quietly.

"I couldn't work, not around here, serving behind a counter for everyone to come and see me in my disgrace, my shame. No. If I did get a job it would have to be up in town, a good bus ride away at least." Celia trembled and turned her eyes on her daughter. "You look a little better. Do you want a cup of tea?"

Caroline shrank back. Her mother wasn't going to talk about things and she was back to facing her own problems.

"No. I'm going to bed." Caroline said."I am going to read or something, play some music..." Caroline got up.

"I thought you were going out tonight?" Celia called as her daughter disappeared.

"No, not anymore." Caroline called back.

"It's New Years Eve!" Celia said, coming out into the hallway behind Caroline.

"Yes, I know that. I'm staying in." Caroline paused on the stairs.

"Maybe we could have a little drink together then? Watch the fireworks on telly?"

"Maybe. I don't really care about the fireworks Mum, or about New Year for that matter." Caroline shot at her, for a moment feeling almost adolescent.

Celia began to follow her up the stairs, Caroline rolled her eyes. Celia's transparent attempts at being sympathetic whilst clearly feeling a real sense of triumph, were hard to endure.

"I'll make us a nice dinner..." She promised cheerfully.

"You don't have to do that..." Caroline protested as she reached her room.

"I want to do something." Celia said, popping her head into the door that Caroline had just closed. "I know you're feeling...and I just want to do something..."

A reward? Caroline thought. Suddenly now she wants to show me compassion. The thought finally tugged at her temper.

"You can't do anything!...no one can...you can't even imagine how I feel..." Caroline had thrown herself down on her bed. "You don't even want to hear about it... About how much I loved her, about how happy I was. How happy she made me and now...I've thrown it away! " Caroline glared defiantly at Celia, actually pleased to see how uncomfortable she was with Caroline's declaration. She felt as if now that it was over she could in some way be more loyal to what she had had with Kate, she couldn't deny it now. "...you never felt that way about Dad...never, not a fraction of the feeling!" Caroline condescended.

Celia smiled acceptingly. "No, I didn't feel that way, about your Dad, I didn't really love him like that. Not that way, with the heart stopping, gut wrenching passion, where the only thing that matters is him." Celia sat at the foot of the bed.

Caroline frowned heavily, not certain if she was being humored or teased.

"No love. I didn't have that with your Dad. But that doesn't mean I've never had feelings, never fancied myself in love, never made a fool of myself..." Celia stopped and looked at her own hands in her lap, perhaps as she remembered. "...never been hurt." She finished, looking up at Caroline now.

Caroline frowned more deeply, confused, what was her mother saying? Had she been with someone before Caroline's Dad? She had never mentioned. But then she wouldn't. Caroline watched as Celia gently took hold of her fingers, her skin soft and warm.

"You get over things, even people Caroline and you get on with your life. You are the brightest woman I have ever known, you are smarter than any man I ever met and you can use that head to overcome your heart. You already have." Celia said proudly as she moved forward and pressed a kiss, hard, upon the temple of her little girl. "You are doing the right thing, the only thing!" Celia promised certainly. "I have been so worried Caroline. It's kept me awake night after night, not knowing what would become of you. Thinking I might lose you too." Celia fought the burgeoning tears and straightened herself up. "Now, I'll make us a lovely meal, you get some rest."

Xxxx

As soon as the Auld Lang Syne was over, Caroline was ready to go to bed. She had done nothing but sit, curled into a ball in her bedroom all day and yet she needed to get back there now. All this celebrating and looking to the future was making her want to vomit. Her Mother had been quiet following their brief exchange earlier and Caroline had come down and picked at the meal she had prepared without any more being said.

As Caroline cleared her glass into the kitchen and fetched a glass of water, she heard the phone ring.

"I'll get it." She called from the hall.

She expected the voice on the other end of the line. She had been thinking of Kate every minute of the day and night and so it seemed to make sense that she had called, as if Caroline had been waiting.

"Happy New Year!" Kate slurred into the phone.

"Kate." Caroline spoke. "Happy New Year to you. Where are you?"

"I am just having a little drink... with some new friends, they think I'm verrrry lovely, they think I am...wonderful...that I would be ...the perfect girlfriend!" Kate went on. "They think that you sound like an idiot!" Kate giggled and Caroline could hear the distant pounding of music in the background.

"Are you in Manchester?!" Caroline asked. She was surprised to think that Kate would have gone along to this gay bar without her, especially tonight while she sat with her Mum, feeling like her life was over.

"Yessss! I am. I am in Manchester, it's a very nice place, very friendly people..." Kate said, sounding defiant. ""You would...hate it probably..." She trailed off.

"Are you on your own? Are you safe? You sound pissed, Kate . How are you getting home?" Caroline questioned.

"It's none of your business anymore..." Kate huffed unhelpfully. "That's the way you wanted it."

"I just want to make sure you're safe..." Caroline argued, her concern over riding, for the moment, the old green friend of Jealously. Pushing away the thoughts and questions about who Kate's new friends might be.

"I am fine. Just fine! You don't have to worry about me!" Kate assured in a sing song voice which did not give Caroline the impression that Kate was taking her concerns at all seriously.

"Who's with you? Can I speak to someone who is not quite as drunk?" Caroline requested.

"It's New Year Caroline, everyone's drunked!" Caroline could almost hear the comical hiccuping sound that should accompany the words, but she was far from amused. "Julie doesn't want to talk to you anyway...she didn't think I should ring...so ..."

Caroline's anxiety eased a little as she realised that Kate had unwittingly revealed that she was with Jules, a friend, someone who would be coming home with Kate. Still, Caroline half considered running out into the night to ensure Kate's safety. If she had her Dads car she would no doubt already be on her way to Manchester in the middle of the night.

"Okay, well, give her my best." Caroline said as she attempted to get off the call. "And stick together, please, be careful."

"Caroline!" Kate yelled as she sensed Caroline's intention to end the call. "Did you make any New Years resolutions?"

"No. Did you?" Caroline asked quickly before Kate could start on a list of possible suggestions.

"Yes!" Kate jumped at the invitation to share her own. "I have resolved to get over you! I gave you too much power and I am taking it back! I am not going to let us...breaking up..." The line went quiet for a moment and the background noise returned. Caroline wondered if Kate had gone and was about to put down the receiver.

"I am going to get over you! I am going to give up loving you! I am going to give up waiting for you. I am going to give you up!" Kate said, this time more clearly, more determined. Yet Caroline could hear the half hidden cracks of tears in Kate's voice and realised that she was gripping the phone so tightly her fingers had turned white, even for her, the blood stopped still, her ear pressed hard against the plastic, as if she could somehow get nearer to Kate if she didn't miss a sound, a breath.

"That's...good." Caroline replied next. "Good night Kate." She said as she put down the phone and turned to make her way to bed, she ignored her Mothers voice as she went, her body moving as if without command, a zombie like slump to her shoulders.

Xxxx

A/N- Thanks for all the feedback everyone. xx