A/N I was hoping to get this posted yesterday, but at least I got it done before the weekend ended. I want to keep posting an update a week until the story is finished. Thanks as always for being awesome readers! I will be responding to PMs and reviews shortly. Be back next week :)
Chapter 29
"You know, us talking has to actually involve us talking," Spencer said when she couldn't stand the silence any longer. She was trying to let Ashley take the lead, but her patience was wearing thin.
Ashley's face was flushed and still heated from the confrontation with Spencer at her house. Every time she opened her mouth to say something—anything—she quickly closed it back up. It was frustrating and slightly embarrassing. "I know," she eventually got out, "it's just, uh, I guess that…"
Spencer felt bad at how much the brunette was struggling. She could definitely relate. "You guess that expressing your feelings isn't always the easiest thing to do," Spencer tried when Ashley left her thought unfinished. The blonde was relieved to see her girlfriend smile.
"Touché," Ashley replied. She finally looked up and made eye contact with Spencer. Even though she still wasn't able to get out everything she had been holding in, she found comfort in the warm blue eyes looking back at her. "I'm really sorry for leaving you like that. I should have stayed."
"Look, Ash," Spencer started, her voice calm, "I'm not looking for an apology. I know you're sorry and I get that you were freaked out or embarrassed." Spencer scooted closer to the brunette so that there wasn't much distance between them. They were sitting on the sofa in the den. "I need to know why you left—that's what's important."
Ashley sighed. "I know, it's just hard."
"If anyone understands how hard it is, it's me," Spencer replied to reassure the brunette. "And I'm sorry if I was a bit harsh with you earlier, but I was upset and confused." Ashley's expression changed instantly. Spencer saw the shame Ashley felt, which wasn't what she wanted. "I'm not telling you that to make you feel bad. I'm not mad or angry with you."
"You should be. What I did was wrong."
"It's not always about right or wrong," Spencer said. The blame game wasn't going to help them solve anything. "Right now, it's about being honest."
Spencer reached for Ashley's hand and when the brunette gave it to her she intertwined their fingers. She felt Ashley squeeze back right away.
"I, uh…" Ashley hated that she still couldn't get her feelings out like she wanted to. She inhaled sharply and worked up the nerve to speak. "I really want to, uh, have sex with you."
"I kind of figured that out." Without sounding confrontational, Spencer asked the question that had to be asked. "Why haven't you said anything to me before?"
Ashley shrugged. Her continued discomfort with this conversation wasn't going away just because she was trying to open up. "I figured you would initiate things," Ashley finally admitted. She cringed at her answer and felt the need to explain further. "You know with Aiden," she hesitated to even bring his name up, but it was necessary, "he pressured me about it all the time and, uh, well, you never did so…" The brunette chewed on her bottom lip. Nothing she was trying to say was coming out right.
"Did that make you think I didn't want to?" Spencer asked.
"It's not really that I thought you didn't want to, but I thought that maybe you didn't want to with me or that because I didn't have a lot of experience that I, uh." The brunette was sick of sounding like she couldn't string a coherent thought together. She forced herself to be more direct, no matter how difficult it was. "I should have said something to you, but I didn't know how to bring it up. I was worried that not having been with anyone else was a problem."
Instead of being insulted or being hurt by what Ashley said, Spencer did her best to keep the conversation focused on the important stuff. "There's a difference between wanting to have sex and being ready for sex. I mean, I was the one who tried to escalate things the day we first kissed. Nothing has changed, Ash, I wanted you then and I want you know. But if you're ready to have sex or think we should take that next step, you have to be able to talk to me. We need to be able to talk about it."
"I know."
"You have to be able to talk to me," Spencer emphasized. She had to make sure that Ashley really understood what she meant. "Have I done something to make you doubt my feelings or make you think you're not good enough? Because if I have-"
"No!" Ashley cut in. "It's not you, Spence. I was used to having someone hound me about sex and when that wasn't happening with you I thought maybe I was doing something wrong."
Spencer frowned —this response from Ashley had her concerned. "I'm sorry that you think that's normal in any way. I guess one of the reasons I held back was because I didn't want to put that kind of pressure on you—especially when you were used to it. And when you never said anything, I figured you were happy with how things were progressing with us."
"I am happy," Ashley assured the blonde. "I love what we do together and I love how you make me feel. I just want more." She had to make sure her next point got across so there was no mistaking her feelings. "I want you."
"I want you too," she assured Ashley again. "But you have to believe me when I tell you that I am never comparing you with anyone I've been with before, so you have to stop thinking that I am. And even if I was, no one else could even compare. What I feel with you, what you make me feel, is better than anything I've experienced with anyone ever."
Hearing that made Ashley feel better. Maybe she should have realized it on her own, but Ashley had her own insecurities to battle. "I promise to try and not let this become a thing between us. I really am sorry, Spence; I should have spoken to you about what was bothering me and what I want."
"Hey, if anyone understands the appeal of hiding what you're feeling it's me, but I'm trying and if you're going to try, too, then I think we're good."
Ashley smiled. Talking to Spencer helped lessen her fears. She knew that they weren't going to disappear in an instant, but she was going to do everything in her power not to let them become an issue like this again.
Ashley was just about to lean in for a kiss when something that Spencer said trigged a thought. "What did you mean when you said 'one of the reasons I held back?' Is there another reason?"
"I, uh, yeah there is," Spencer said. She hadn't lied when she told Ashley that she didn't want to pressure her to have sex. At the same time, the fact that Ashley wanted to take things slow was something the blonde actually liked. Spencer wasn't sure how Ashley was going to react to what she was about to admit. "I don't know if I'm ready to have sex with you yet."
"What?" Ashley's head was spinning and she was trying not to jump to conclusions. It wasn't easy to keep her mind from going to a place where her doubts would resurface. "But you've had sex before. Why wouldn't you be ready?"
"It's different with you," Spencer explained, her voice quiet. "My first time, I was lucky. The girl I was with did everything to make sure it was a good experience for me."
Ashley squirmed in her seat. It was hard to listen to this, no matter how hard she tried to be unaffected by what Spencer was saying.
"But I didn't love her. I barely even knew her actually. With anyone I've been with, it's never been about feelings. It was always just sex and that's not the case with you." Spencer hoped she was making sense. "I don't want it to be something we rush into. I mean, clearly we both want each other—a lot—but that's not the same as being ready for what happens afterwards."
"I never thought you'd be the one who put the brakes on things," Ashley said, but she wasn't being rude or sarcastic.
"Being with you—when it's right—is more important to me than just about anything. I don't want to screw it up."
"You know that's not going to happen, right?" Ashley asked rhetorically. "When I'm with you, I feel safe. You make me feel safe. I've never had that before."
"Are you OK with me wanting to wait?" The answer might have been obvious, but Spencer had to be sure.
Ashley gave the blonde a very quick peck on the lips. "You don't have to ask me that, Spence.
Of course I'm OK with it." Although her actions from before were a mistake, Ashley was pleased that the two of them were getting so much of what they'd been holding back out in the open.
Both of them smiled at one another. There was no need to talk anymore right then. It was actually nice to have a quiet moment as they both absorbed everything that had been said between them.
There was only so much seriousness that Spencer could take before she felt compelled to make a joke. "So, can I trust you to keep your hands out of my underwear until such time that both of us have agreed to take the next step?"
"Spencer!" Ashley shrieked, her face on fire.
"Oh, I'm sorry, was that rude of me?" Spencer sounded anything but sorry. She was actually pretty proud of herself. After all, Ashley did deserve some kind of payback for the stunt she had pulled. The blonde wasn't going to let her off scot free. "I get it, I am incredibly sexy and hard to resist."
"Spencer!" Ashley shrieked again. She buried her face in her hands. She was beyond mortified.
Spencer burst out laughing. She would never tire of having fun at Ashley's expense. It was way too fun. She almost felt bad for the other girl, but not enough to stop. "I mean, I was the one who had to ride my bike to your place because you couldn't control yourself. And let me tell you, the friction that seat caused, especially when you had me that turned on, was not such a fun thing for me."
"You are horrible!" Ashley's muffled voice said, there was no way she was ever going to be able to look Spencer in the eye again.
"I'm not the one who ran out of here," Spencer teased. She tried to pry Ashley's hands away from her face but she wasn't able to. "Come on, Ash, I'm only joking."
When the brunette didn't respond, Spencer decided to take action. She tackled Ashley so she was on top of her. Using all her strength she had, she pinned Ashley's arms above her head and waited for her girlfriend to open her eyes.
"You can't expect me to wait for you to be ready when you jump me like this," Ashley smirked. She was still embarrassed, but that didn't mean she couldn't tease the blonde too. "That's really not fair."
"Who said anything about playing fair?" Spencer smirked right back. But when she leaned down to give Ashley a kiss, she didn't use this as an excuse to pick right up from where they had left off before. Instead she kissed Ashley, slowly and softly.
Ashley loved feeling the full weight of the blonde on her. She ran her fingers through Spencer's hair while trying to get even more of her girlfriend. Their kissing wasn't desperate or hurried, it was gentle and passionate.
"I love you so much," Spencer whispered as she gazed down at Ashley. The level of intimacy she allowed herself to experience with the brunette was so much greater than she had even had with anyone. She might have had sex before, but Spencer had never allowed herself to feel as much as she did with Ashley. It was incredible.
"I love you too." Ashley replied with all her heart.
Eventually Spencer pulled back. It's not that she wasn't enjoying what she was doing with Ashley. Of course she was. But thanks to her girlfriend and having to have one heart-to-heart talk already, she figured it was best to get another one out of the way. She sat up, pulling the brunette with her.
At first Ashley thought that Spencer wanted to take their activities upstairs – which she more than fine with her – but the expression on her girlfriend's face led her to believe otherwise. "What's going on?"
"I think I should call my dad," Spencer replied. She was aware that her declaration was coming out of nowhere. But she also knew that Ashley understood her like nobody else did.
"And you called me a buzz kill!" Ashley joked. She wasn't sure what had compelled Spencer to change her mind, or choose this moment to decide to call her dad, but she was glad it was happening.
"I learned it by watching you," Spencer joked back. Holding Ashley's hand firmly, she led the brunette into the kitchen. For some reason it felt appropriate to have it happen here. She was dreading making this call, but it was the right thing to do.
Ashley kept her many questions to herself. She sat at the table once Spencer had sat down and then she took her girlfriend's hand like the blonde had done for her to give her the confidence to speak.
Spencer looked at her phone for a while without doing anything. Having Ashley's support helped a lot, but actually pressing the call button felt like such a daunting task. She hadn't been lying in the library. There was absolutely no way Spencer was ready or close-to-ready to forgive her dad. But she did have to start somewhere with him.
He was going to come home, whether she liked it or not, and she needed to figure out how to live with him. Maybe it wouldn't happen all at once, but this first move would be a huge step forward. There was a large part of Spencer that didn't want to take that step. It would be easier to just sulk and be mad at him forever. But she wasn't working hard in therapy to be stuck in the past with her dad. Not as long as he was trying anyway.
It took several minutes before Spencer finally worked up the nerve to call the rehab facility. There was an intense case of butterflies going on in her stomach. Every time she considered hanging up, she looked up at Ashley. It was so nice not having to be strong on her own. That, in the moments she felt weak, she could rely on the brunette to help her.
The scariness of coming to rely on another person was not even a factor right then. All Spencer felt was grateful that she had Ashley on her side.
She'd been put on hold as soon as she called so they could locate him. It felt like an eternity until she heard his voice.
"Thanks for calling me back, Spencer," Arthur said, trying really hard not to come on too strong. He had been hoping to hear from his daughter, but at the same time had prepared for the worst. He wanted to tell her so many things, mostly how sorry he was and how much he loved her. He had to restrain himself from opening up a floodgate of emotions and apologies. "How are you?"
"I'm good," Spencer replied back as she fought against the rising anger within her. This wasn't about getting upset; this was about having a simple conversation—nothing more, nothing less. "How are you doing?"
"It's been a pretty intense month." That was putting it mildly. Arthur had been through the ringer emotionally and physically. Going through withdrawal was one of the hardest things he had ever done. Starting to face his many mistakes and starting to deal with the death of Clay was even harder. He didn't have anything to numb his pain, which was not what he was used to. He often wanted to quit and go home. But every time that happened, he thought about Spencer and the promise he made her. As time went on, his reason for staying started changing from doing it for his daughter to getting sober for himself. "But you don't want to hear about that. Tell me how you're doing? Is there anything you need?"
"I'm doing fine," Spencer replied. She was doing her utmost not to sound upset or mad. "The house is still standing, so I guess that means things are OK here."
"Well, that is good news." Arthur was surprised and glad that Spencer was joking around with him. She hadn't been anything but hostile toward him in the longest time.
Spencer wasn't quite sure where to take this conversation. She really wanted to hang up and in other ways she liked hearing her dad's voice.
The silence was awkward between father and daughter. Ashley wanted to help but it wasn't her place to get involved or tell Spencer to try and talk more. She smiled at her girlfriend and offered her silent support.
There was a question that was swirling around in Arthur's head. He had to ask it even if he didn't get the answer he hoped for. "You know, it's really nice up here, the grounds are absolutely beautiful. Do you think maybe you'd like to come up for a visit?"
Spencer felt put on the spot. She nearly hung up the call. That's not what she did though. "School is really busy right now and, uh, taking care of the house and everything takes up a lot of my time, so, uh, I don't know if-"
"Don't worry about it," Arthur cut in. He was disappointed, but he didn't blame the blonde for staying away. "Maybe when you're not so busy."
"Yeah, maybe," Spencer replied. She felt bad. She might not be able to give her dad everything he wanted right now, but she could give him something. "I could call you in a few days to, uh, check in and stuff."
Arthur clutched the phone in his hand as he fought against getting overwhelmed by his emotions. "I would love that. I should probably get going. I have a group therapy session starting in a few minutes. Thanks again for calling, Spence, please take care of yourself."
"I will. You, uh, take care of yourself too," Spencer said. She was relieved their chat was almost over.
Once she said her final goodbyes, Spencer ended the call and breathed a big sigh of relief. She had done it. And while it wasn't a groundbreaking conversation it was a good sign that she had managed to keep her mouth and emotions in check.
"I'm proud of you," Ashley told the blonde.
Spencer pouted. Now that she had done the hard part, she was looking for some sympathy and attention from her girlfriend. It wasn't easy trying to be a good person and working on the many issues she had to deal with.
Ashley got up and gave Spencer a kiss on the forehead. She knew exactly what the other girl needed. "We're going to make something for dinner and then I think a night of watching movies in bed and cuddling is in order."
"If you ever tell anyone how much I love cuddling, you and I are through," Spencer threatened.
Ashley laughed as she threw her arms around Spencer's neck. "Don't worry, your secret is safe with me."
"Good," Spencer said. She stopped pouting as soon as Ashley kissed her.
Hours later, they lay in bed facing each other. Movies had been watched, many kisses had been exchanged and now they were enjoying being with one another.
Spencer used to hate the silence. But she now found it comforting when it in meant that Ashley was around and she got to be with her. She loved getting a chance to study the brunette's face and to feel connected with her. She also loved how her girlfriend gently caressed her hand. It was a tender touch that made Spencer's heart flutter.
Ashley was completely content. Their day might have hit a hiccup when she had run away, but it had ended up being wonderful. "You know, I've been thinking-"
"Famous last words," Spencer said, a small crease forming as she furrowed her brow.
Ashley smiled. There wasn't anything bad on her mind. "Can I finish or do you plan on interrupting me again?" When Spencer stayed silent, Ashley took that as a sign she had the blonde's attention. "I've been thinking about what you told me about the other girls you've had sex with."
"Uh, OK." Spencer had no idea where Ashley was going with this and she couldn't figure out why her girlfriend looked so pleased with herself.
Ashley got a little bit bashful now that she was about to verbalize what had until then just been a fleeting thought in her mind. "Well, when we finally are together it will be with someone you love, so that will kind of make it like a first time for you too."
That comment made Spencer nervous and her first instinct was to make a joke, but once that instinct passed she started to smile as well. The idea of getting to share a first time with Ashley made her feel happy. "I never thought about it like that."
Ashley moved over so she was right next to the blonde. "That's why you're lucky you have me."
"So lucky," Spencer replied her lips immediately finding their place against Ashley's. "So lucky," she repeated before she moved on top of the brunette.
There wasn't a better way to end the day.
