29 - A memento of Eugene.
Ness began her physical therapy sessions every other day, for an hour at a time. The rest of the time, she had her leg locked straight in its brace while she hobbled around on crutches. She started seeing a therapist twice a week, and was slowly becoming more comfortable with being touched. She still wasn't anywhere ready for sex, but she was working through the issues.
The third week of her return to Seattle, she had an appointment with her new Orthopaedic surgeon. It was no real surprise to Ness when the Doctor told her she needed more surgery. She felt the little bubble of anxiety as she thought about being knocked unconscious again. But she focused her breath, following the breathing exercises her councillor, Dr. Carmen, had prescribed, and soon she was calm and able to concentrate as the surgeon in front of her explained the ligament graft surgery she would be having next week.
Jacob was doing his best to support Ness in her rehabilitation, both physically and emotionally. He assisted her with her homework from the physical therapist, encouraging her to finish the painful, prescribed exercises. He was at a loss to know how to motivate her without pushing.
The Ness he knew never needed any sort of push, her own achievement was all the incentive she'd ever required. If anything, she normally needed reining in. The Nessie he was seeing now, seemed lost, hidden underneath her skin, behind her soul deep, fractured eyes. She was open to him, sharing her feelings and uncertainties. On the surface, she was herself; loving and happy, with sparkling eyes and the occasional wondering hands. But he knew, he just knew, somewhere inside himself; that she had closed off a part of herself... maybe she'd never let him into that part before either. Her abusive and cast aside childhood and the hallowing attack in Eugene had collided in her inner mind and stirred the latent demons she'd thought she'd extinguished. It was hard to help someone who was silently fighting with themselves. But he was trying.
After the violence of Nessie's attack, Jake felt he needed a way to channel his own anger. He found a Shotokan Dojo in Redmond and started practising in Karate again. It had been years, but there were some things you never forgot, like the multiple kata of each belt he'd practiced as a kid, over and over. He got back into the swing of things, relishing the discipline of technique and the release of sparing.
Now, as he practiced the art as an adult, Jake had a much better appreciation of the philosophy and way of life of the Shotokan. The strive for completion of character, fostering the spirit of effort and respect for others. It made all the more sense to the man than it ever had to the boy. It was harder though, for Jacob to subscribe to the philosophical ethos that ordered the refrain from violent behaviour. It was easy in regard to everyday life, but Jake knew that if he ever met Nahuel in a dark alley, only one would be walking away from the meeting... And it wouldn't be the asshole stalker.
A few times Ness came to watch him train, she'd never seen Jacob act so formally or so focused and controlled. It was impressive to see him down in a deep, long stance, his hands and body moving slowly and fluidly through the practiced forms. Ness couldn't help but stare at his shoulders and back as they fitted snugly in the white crossover jacket, his torso tapering down to his hips with his belt clinching it in. The way his hair, tied at the nape of his neck, settled between the powerful muscles of his back gave her a little flutter. She loved the muscles of his back.
Red knew he'd done a lot of Karate as a kid, but she hadn't realised just how skilled he was. He'd achieved a black belt as a twelve year old. After almost five years of absence, he had made the very humble decision of wearing a beginners white belt until he had gained some further conditioning. All that training he'd done with Ness before nationals had helped. Humility aside, it was obvious to anyone watching that he was accomplished in his craft. And it was sexy as hell. She just wished her brain would get with the program, because her body wanted to dry hump him on the floor of that dojo. Instead, feeling narcissistically sorry for herself and her own inability to train, she hobbled over to the corner store across the road and grabbed a block of chocolate. Then armed with the knowledge that her stupid brain would seize up the minute she tried to get his shirt off that sexy as hell chest, she proceeded to finish three quarters of it before Jake's class was through.
Jacob had also picked up a few weeks of full time work as holiday relief at the pool until school started back. He would watch protectively as Ness used the pool as therapy. After a while of doing the proscribed exercises she would give up and just float on her back, her braced leg weighing her down. He'd watch her perfect tits in their little bikini top, buoyant as she looked lovingly but still a little broken towards Jake on the sidelines.
She seemed oblivious to the effect she had on him, he could see her vision focus on her own knee, how self-conscious she was when she would get out, quickly wrapping a towel around her. To Jake, her in a swimsuit was only second to her naked under him. They might not have been in a physical relationship at the present, but it didn't mean he couldn't watch and wish. What he really wanted to do, was to dive in and take her right there in the water, in front of the seniors aqua aerobics class. Blue balls were a bitch... and she was a messed up wreck inside.
Jake took the day off for her surgery the following week. This time round they were both in a better place to deal with the stress of her operation. He simply sat with her, his hand wrapped around hers as she slept off the last of her anaesthetic.
After her surgery, with the new stability she had in her joint, came a new stability to there every day lives.
The next few weeks saw the household find some type of normal routine. Rachel started her internship, Bella had summer classes, Jake was at the pool, and Ness had physical therapy every other day. Rachel and Jacob would come home around five to find Bella cooking dinner and Ness sitting and trying to help at the counter. They'd all watch a bit of TV and Bella would do some study, sometimes Edward would be staying too.
They'd heard Edward and Bella 'reuniting' a few times but, thankfully, Jake dealt with it much better than he had that night with Rachel and Paul. Renesmee vowed to herself that, one day, when she had sorted the good vulnerable from the bad, she was going to let Jake repay the noisy favour with her. Give them a little of their own fucking medicine.
Ness and Jake moved back into their room upstairs, the steps becoming part of her daily physical therapy routine. She would attempt to make the flight on her own most nights, but Jacob was always there with her, there to carry her if the steps got too hard. They would always retire to bed at the same time as one another, Jacob would hold Ness, fully clothed as they talked about their day. They shared chaste kisses, occasionally hands would venture below clothes but never further. A few times they'd shared the spa. Twice she'd invited him into the shower, but with her need to sit with her leg on the stool, there was never enough room.
They were emotionally closer than ever, sharing every secret, every thought and all their fears. But then he knew, he just knew, there was more going on behind the turbulent green waters of her eyes. He didn't think she even knew what it was herself.
For all their sharing, they weren't friends with benefits. They were best friends who kissed sometimes… they definitely weren't lovers.
Jake was overly cautious of making an advance, for fear of pushing her further than she was ready to go. Ness, on the other hand, didn't want to try anything more affectionate than heavy petting. She was terrified that she'd venture in to something more intermate only to find that she wasn't ready after all. She didn't want to be placed in a situation where she'd push Jake away again, and set her emotional healing back a few weeks. They were at a stalemate, neither having the nerve to make the first move.
Over the weeks, she continued seeing her therapist regularly, and between therapist and patient, there was a consensus that Renesmee could try sexual intimacy whenever she was ready. She had worked up the courage to try it a few times, but every time, she'd lose her nerve or feel the constricting panic, tight around her throat. It was exactly what she was afraid would happen. Jake was as supportive as ever but Ness knew it was difficult for him. He was leaving the ball in her court, the problem was, she was terrified of dropping it. Or, of it imploding.
One afternoon when she was home alone, Ness limped her way out to check the mail box. Stuffed inside were a few envelopes, the normal bills etcetera, plus a large white envelope. Ness made her way back inside, the mail tucked under her arm as she hobbled to the stool at the kitchen counter. She sat down and opened up the large, mystery envelope. She tore the paper open, tipping it until the contents slid out. A magazine flopped onto the marble counter, a hand written note that had been pinned to the front, folded back on itself as it escaped the packaging. Ness smoothed the note back, slipping it out from the paper clip. It was a note from John Pellagra, her sponsorship contact from Nike, behind the block, hand printed message was a watermarked swoosh on the heavy white paper.
"Dear Renesmee, I'm not sure if you knew this had still been published. I took the liberty of contacting the editor to make sure the article reflected the rest of your story. I hope you don't mind. I thought you may want a copy of the publication. A small memento of what might have been.
I hope your rehabilitation is going along well.
Best of luck in the future.
John."
She had actually forgotten all about the photo shoot. Of all the things that had happened to her that day, sitting quietly in Jacob's arms without a care in the world while their photo was taken had been the bit she had forgotten about. She was curious to see what the pictures ended up looking like.
Ness flicked through the pages of the glossy running magazine. She had been pleasantly surprised that Nike hadn't just dumped her. They had kept an open dialogue with her coach in regard to her prognosis when she had been in hospital. There had been no formal withdrawal of her contract of sponsorship, but everyone knew she was never running again. Or more to the point, she was never hurdling well enough to attract patronage ever again. Ness had flicked nearly all the way to the back of the magazine when she finally found the article, it was on the last two pages. The Bio page.
The double spread was full of photos. Pictures of her warming up, of her racing, Ness on the podium getting her medal. Curiously, there was also a shot of her mid-flight over a hurdle as a fourteen year old. She recognised the photo, it was one from Rose's scrap book. Had Rosalie given them photos of her? There was a really beautiful picture of her and Jake in the training stadium seats. And then, at the bottom corner of the page there was a small, amateur looking photo of her. At least Ness assumed it was her. If it wasn't for the mass of auburn curls sprawled across the pillow, she wouldn't have recognised herself. The photo was of a bruised and battered woman, her facial features were virtually unrecognisable. She was lying in a hospital bed, tubes and wires everywhere, the intubation tube pressed against her lips as she lay unconscious in the ICU. It was a confronting picture. She gave pause for a minute. Was that really her? Had she really look like that?
Seeing herself like that, gave Ness a better insight into why Jake had been convinced she was going to die. She thought she looked like she was waiting for the machines to get turned off in the photo too. It was like looking at a stranger. There was a vacancy to the person in the photograph. Even though her eyes were closed in the shot, Ness could tell that the girl in the photo was more than just 'asleep'. It frightened Red Robin to see herself like that. She looked at the photos of her smiling, with the golden medal around her neck and then to the one of her unconscious and sporting several white bulky dressings across her throat. She was finding it hard to grasp how both those photographs could have been taken only hours apart. How had she gone from the strong, soaring woman on the dais to the shattered and broken girl in the hospital bed? He'd taken so much from her.
When she thought about it, inside herself, Renesmee still felt mostly like that woman on the podium. That was her, the person she had worked at becoming; the girl that didn't let her childhood define her. The chick that knew what she wanted and went after it, jumping in with both feet. The athlete that was the National Champion at something.
The beaten woman in the photo was a stranger. Or at least she had been. The last few weeks had found Ness spiralling into more and more destructive behaviour. The demons of her past coming back to haunt her. She'd lost focus, with no school and no training she lacked direction. She'd lost ambition and her zest for life. She couldn't seem to find that inner strength Jake always said she had. It was as if that photo of her in the ICU was the embodiment of how she was feeling inside now; vacant, absent from real life. Her emotions felt bruised, maybe it was her spirit that was broken too.
Ness pushed her way off the stool and hopped over to the bottom draw in the kitchen. She lent in and rummaged under the tea towels, looking for what she had hidden there. She lifted up the large gold medallion, blue and red ribbon attached to it. Ness felt the weight of it, her fingers running over the embossing on the surface. A small memento of things that might have been... You don't say. Her heart was feeling as blue and black as the hematoma around her eye in the photo.
Renesmee slipped the medal over her head and started searching through the cupboard for some of the booze Rachael had brought with her when she'd moved in. Ness grabbed a bottle of vodka— she didn't bother with a glass; she hopped outside and planted herself on one of the deck chairs, she hefted her braced and broken leg up on to a second chair and took a burning swig of the liquor. Ness figured, she wasn't ever going to be drug tested for her sport again, she felt it only a fair trade off to enjoy getting a little wasted and forget about all the reasons why it didn't matter if she did or didn't drink.
By six that evening Jake arrived home from the dojo to find the house in chaos. They were worried and also pretty pissed at her. He could hear Ness playing her cello out on the deck. Through the glass doors, he could see there were several bottles of half empty alcohol placed by the foot of her chair, Bella and Edward's glass bong lying on its side next to her feet. There was also a chair leaning against the door handle to ensure her own isolation. Rachel was hammering on the frame of the locked external doors as Bella started to explain.
Rachel had arrived home about an hour ago, to find Nessie doing pretty much the same as she was now, only, there was a fair bit more liquor in the bottles then and there was still some weed left in the pipe. Rach had gone and spoken— maybe a little harshly— to Ness and when she'd gone inside to phone Jake, Renesmee had shored the chair against the handle, effectively locking Rachel inside. When she couldn't get a hold of Jake, Rachel had called Bells who had come home straight away.
"Why the fuck didn't you call me?" yelled Jacob to his sister as he tried calling to Ness through the glass. Rachel held up her phone to Jake. "I tried! But you wouldn't answer," she yelled back at her brother. Jake took his phone out of his bag to see five missed calls. He cursed himself for leaving it on silent in his training bag.
"Ness!" he yelled. "Please love, come and open the door." Ness just ignored him. The solitary music from the deck staying sharp and pained and dark.
Jake turned to his housemates. "Do you guys know what this is about?" he asked.
Bella lifted the magazine off the counter. "We're guessing it's this," she said, handing Jake the publication, open at the culprit article.
Jacob took it and scanned through the pictures. "Fuck!" he clipped. "I told Rose not to give anything to that journalist without talking to Ness about it first. What was she thinking?" Jake quickly read through the article. It was actually pretty well done, giving Ness the credit for her achievement. It described a bit of her personal history and some factual stats of her training regime. Then tacked on the end was quite a moving paragraph, explaining the photo of her in hospital and a very watered down version of how she'd ended up there. Jake didn't know if it was the photos or the article or just the memory of it all that had triggered Ness. But he knew she was self-medicating behind those locked doors and he wasn't going to let her demons control her for a single minute more.
Jake hammered on the frame of the door. "RENESEMEE CARLIE MASEN! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE AND UNLOCK THIS GOD DAM DOOR!" he bellowed. Renesmee's bowing arm stilled as she turned to look at Jake through the glass over her shoulder. Her eyes were bloodshot, her face red with tears. Without blinking, she turned back around and started playing a song, he hadn't heard her play it since the first night they'd met. The lonely child. He'd thought she'd played it hauntingly the first time he'd heard it. Now, with about twenty standard drinks and god knows how much pot under her belt, she was taking the piece to a whole other level. This hurt him, to have her shut him out after everything they'd gone through together. "This is fucking ridiculous," he uttered as he made his way up the internal stairs to the front door. There was no fucking way he was letting her shut him out. No way.
Still in his Karate-gi, Jake tramped his way through the thick garden around the side of the house. The lowest part of the deck was still almost nine foot up. Jacob jumped and gripped on to the flooring that overhung the safety rail and pulled himself up. He gripped the railing and doing a chin-up, he bought himself up to the deck floor and stood up on the outside of the balustrade. Then he flung his legs over the handrail and landed on the deck with a light thud. Ness had stopped playing as he jumped onto the deck. She just sat and stared at him. Her eyes vacant and looking like an empty shell of the woman he loved. Jacob scooted over to her, coming to kneel by her side. "Ness, hon. You okay?"
Renesmee flicked through the cadence of the open strings, the notes natural as they drifted up to the wisteria above them. C, G, D, A... C, G, D, A.
She nodded her fineness. "I like the way the music gets lost over the valley," she said, her words running together as she looked over to the view of the lake. Her hand reached out as if to touch the water miles below. "I wonder if Grand'Mere can hear me?" she mumbled to herself as she smoothed her left hand over the strings.
"Why wouldn't you open the door for me?" he asked, the injury in his voice apparent. She ignored his question and continued to muck around with the instrument between her knees. She seemed immersed in the sounds she could make by lightly touching the strings as she bowed.
"I love the harmonics of this one," she hummed, her fingers sure and light on the wire. "I remember listening to Sophie play them when I was little. It was what got me hooked on cello in the first place. And that I had the best teacher in the world," she spurred, her eyes welling. "I miss her. She's dead now."
"Now I'm alone," she said, intensifying her words with the haunting accompaniment of melody.
"The only person I have is me," she monotoned, her voice melancholy as her arm came to an abrupt halt on the string. A sharp, grating squeak resinating through the wood and into her soul.
I just want my mum, she cried inside.
Jake was injured by her comments, even though they were through a baked, drunken high, he always thought there was an element of truth to everything people said. He had sat, day and night by her bedside and she thought she was alone? They had shared everything, everything. And she didn't consider him as hers? His gut felt a little kick as her grassed-up words sunk in. He didn't know what else he could do or say to prove his love and loyalty. Was she just too broken? Where the hell had the running girl who knew what she wanted and refused to let life pass her by gone to?
The fucking asshole had beaten it out of her, that's where it had gone. The bones may have been mending, but her spirit and strength was struggling to keep itself together. No matter what she thought, she wasn't alone, she never was, and she never would be again; and there was no way he was leaving her now, no matter how much she wanted to ignore him.
"Sweetheart. What are you doing mixing weed with alcohol? You'll fucking green out."
"I'm okay, there wasn't that much left. I found a bit in the freezer," she said slowly, still not meeting Jake in the eye but at least answering a direct question.
A few weeks earlier, Edward had been up and Ness and Jake had walked in on Edward, Bella and Rachel smoking a pipe in the living room. At first it had been a bit weird. Renesmee knew nothing of her roommate's habit and absolutely nothing of the very fine crop Edward had growing in a meadow near his parents' house in Forks. Jake admitted to sharing a joint or two with Bella over the years, everyone in La Push and Forks knew how good Edwards pot was. It was how he afforded such nice stuff - His parents didn't give him that much of an allowance. Bella invited Ness and Jake to sit with them and that was how Renesmee Masen got stoned for the first time in her life.
Jacob lifted the nearly empty bottle of vodka from the deck. She had always lived so cleanly, so super healthy. She was changing and he wasn't so sure it was for the better.
That evening with their house mates had been one thing, but here she was, getting high by herself and drinking herself into a stupor at five in the afternoon. She was better than this and it pissed him off to see her be so irresponsible; regardless of the reason.
He held the bottle angrily in front of her. "And this? This isn't just a bit… And you're on all those pain meds too. Jesus Ness, you can't do all this shit at the same time. You can't go from never having a joint or hardly ever drinking to…to…this!" he yelled, his fear coming out as anger.
She laughed at him, "What does it matter? It's not like it's going to affect my performance on the track! Because I'd have to actually be able to walk for that to even begin to matter," she bit sourly. Her focus seemed to sharpen as she continued her tirade. "I was probably born addicted to smack; what difference is a little pot gunna do? It's not like my parents are gunna care. 'Cause their dead."
"Don't be fucking stupid. You're not a fucking heroin addict. You never were and you never will be. You're not going to spiral into this shit like you have a death wish."
As he said the words, a cold worry splashed over him, like a slap in the face. It all added up, her self-destructive behaviour, the way she seemed to despair when she thought he wasn't watching, the self-isolating attitude. "Ness? You're not going to try and kill yourself or something?" he asked quietly, not really wanting to voice his concerns in fear he'd give her the idea. "Are you?"
Her head snapped to the side, she looked him in the eye now as the sudden movement sent a wave of nausea over her. "What? God no!" she took a deep breath as she looked back out to the setting western sun, her eyes crinkling from the glare. "I don't know," she sighed, distracted by the queasiness, her hand combing through her hair, the other lowering the cello into the case. "I can't run," she mumbled to herself, "and I all I have left of her is the music and he wrecked that for me too," she hissed, slamming the lid of the instrument case.
She sat back up, her normally strong and assured posture slouched and dejected. "I saw that photo of me with this," she lifted the medal up off her chest and let it drop back with a thump against her slouched abdomen. "And I thought a drink might help," she shrugged, wiping a light layer of sweat off her brow. "Then I remembered Bella's stash in the freezer and I thought it might help too. I wasn't thinking about what mixing it with my pain meds might do," she repented, her voice horse and slurred. "I just want to stop feeling this pain."
"So you're not suicidal?"
She laughed again at his deadly serious question. "No. You're stuck with me. But, " she said her eyes tearing as her face drew sorrow, " but, this is so shit, and I feel like... I have no point anymore." She turned to look at him wholly."If I can't do track, then what do I do? Who am I without it? It taught me how to climb off the streets Jacob. It's what I am!" she cried, great crystal drops filled with her heart, falling over her cheeks. "Without it I'm nothing but a dirty kid in the gutters."
"Hurdling isn't what you were, Ness, it's just what you did. It's just one part of your life, not all of it," he pleaded, as her tears continued to fall into her palms as she covered her face. He didn't understand, her running represented her second chance at life. Something that was purely her achievement. Where she was judged on her performance and efforts, nothing to do with who she'd been and how she'd lived.
"You, Ness, are an athlete, yeah. But you're so much more than that sweetheart, you're a musician, a student, a friend… you're my best friend," he said, reaching up to brush against her cheek.
Then her crying stopped suddenly and Jake noticed she'd started to hold on to the chair with white knuckles.
His heartbreak for her was solidifying as he took in her sudden unwell appearance. "Ness? Are you okay? Are you spinning out?"
"I don't know. The only other time I've done pot is with you." Her face and her voice were freaked out as her body swayed. Her pale skin was covered in a fine layer of sweat. "Jake! It looks like the whole freaking deck is moving."
"Are you gunna yak?"
"I think so," she laughed manically. Her mind was a rollercoaster of emotions. From self-loathing to exultant abandonment, the effects of the marijuana allowing some of her deepest most secrets to bubble to the surface of her id.
"You look like fucking shit." He helped her stand and started to lead her towards the house.
"Oh no," she greened as she turned back to the edge of the deck and heaved over the side.
Jake left her standing at the railing while he went to open the French doors.
"I think she's spinning out," he told the other two girls as they were finally admitted access to the deck. Bella ordered Jacob to get Ness a big glass of water while she and Rach went to help Ness get back inside. Bella held Renesmee's bird nest of hair as she continued to yack her guts up.
"Jesus Ness. Did you drink all my grog?" asked Rachel as she started to pick up the different varieties of bottles littered on the floor.
Between heaves, Ness managed to answer Rachel. "Sorry. I just started and…" the sentence was cut off by some more retching.
When she was done, Jake handed her a large glass and she downed the water thankfully. The feeling of the cool, pure, liquid ecstasy as it soothed her burning throat satiating. The outdoor room was still spinning and now she was as tired as hell, but everything was just so fucking amazing and so freaking hilarious. She couldn't even remember why she'd started drinking in the first place; she just wanted the softness of her pillow. Like a million cotton balls floating on a soft fluffy cloud.
Bella squatted at the chair, picking up the empty mason jar of hers that Ness had found in the freezer. "Renesmee? Did you use ALL the weed that was in here?"
"Yeah. I just did the same thing Edward did the other week," she slurred, running her fingers over Bella's china doll complexion. "So smooth."
"Oh Ness, no wonder your greening out. That was enough for the five of us." She said screwing the lid back on. "Sweetie you've got to build up how much you use and you definitely shouldn't drink before."
Jake supported around Red Robin's waist as she limped back inside, her head was spinning and she was feeling queasy, hungry, thirsty and tired, all at the same time. She ran her hands over the hard muscle of his forearms. "So creamy… like caramel." She leaned over as they walked, her mouth wrapping over the skin of his arms, a soft moan escaping as her lips attempted to lusciously, yet cannibalistically caress his velvety skin. "Ooooh. It's like salt water taffy."
Jake ended up having to carry her upstairs. She was rocking in his arms so much, he knew there was no way she was going to do it on her own, and she wouldn't stop licking his arm. He laid her carefully on the mattress and tucked her in. She sighed into the pillow dreamily as she sank down. He drew the curtains and let Renesmee sleep off her drunken high green out.
He sat on the edge of the bed and watched her silently as she slept. He wanted so badly to fix her. How do you show someone they're worthy of the love they have? How did you help them when they shut you out?
She was imploding and he felt helpless as he watched her unravelling in front of him.
She'd always said he was her home, and that, wherever he was, well, then that was her home too. If that had truly been the case, then she'd lost her way. No direction or path. She lost the key that gave her entry to her home. He needed to find a way to help her find her way again. Maybe he was the problem. Maybe it was best to help her from afar. Give her the room to figure it out for herself. He didn't know what the fuck to do.
Ness woke up a few hours later feeling like shit. She was as hungry as a wolf and her mouth felt like it was full of sand. Her high was gone but the after effects of her afternoon were still biting her in the ass. She'd fucked up big time today, and she knew it.
She scooted down the stairs on her bottom, dropping hard on to the carpet treads with each shuffle of decent. Ness hopped down the small flight leading to the kitchen and she poked her head around the corner of the tiled room to see Racheal and Bella watching TV on the couch, a few pizza boxes scattered on the coffee table. Jacob was nowhere in sight.
Renesmee hopped to the sink and skulled down another big glass of water. She grabbed a big bag of cheese Doritos out of the pantry and went to sit sheepishly with her house mates.
"Sorry about this afternoon," she mumbled, abased, as she perched on the arm of the sofa.
"You had us worried Ness. Why the hell wouldn't you let us out there?" Bella said, her feelings obviously bruised.
"Sorry. I saw that photo of myself and I freaked. I don't know how to deal with this shit when I'm stuck in this brace." She sucked in a breath, her face contorting with her inner troubles as she let out the breath in a gush between pursed lips. "This time last year… I would have just gone for a run if I needed to sort through my shit," her head shaking back and forth, her eyes scrunched up with frustration. "Now… I… I guess… it's easier to escape with something else," she admitted shamefaced. She hung her head, she had always been so critical of her drug addicted parents, yet here she was, drinking alone on a weekday, before the sun had even set. This was a new low, even for a street urchin gamine.
"You fucking locked me out!" snapped Rachel, furiously. "You wouldn't even let Jacob in. Do you have any idea how much that hurt him?" Rachel had been bottling up her feeling all evening and she was letting loose on Ness. "He has fucking stuck by you through thick and thin, and you tell him your alone?" she yelled.
Ness had no idea what Rachel was talking about. She didn't think that. Jacob was her rock, her medicine… he was her everything. Rachel continued on her assault, "You fucking turned him down, and you have the audacity to tell him you can only rely on yourself! I'm sick of seeing you moping around this damn house. You want to be alone? Well you're gunna be soon! You're doing a pretty good job of pushing everyone away. You're not the only one who's got problems Renesmee!" she screeched.
Ness was staggered, she had no idea Rachel felt like that. She felt an empty hole in her chest open up… where was Jake? She shrunk back, feeling more alone than she had in a long time. Rachel continued her hammering as Ness stood and started to walk away as panic began to grip around her heart.
"And don't you fucking walk away either. You always fucking-well run! Grow up and stop being a child and face all the shit you have to face. Stop being a coward." Ness stopped where she stood and sunk down to the ground. Her knee paining by the movement but she didn't care at that point. She felt tears rise and she gently pushed them away with her knuckle as she listened to some home truths.
"Don't fucking start crying, Renesmee! You should be ashamed of yourself for using my brother the way you have. You've gotta fix this shit or he's gunna go."
"I'm not using him!" Ness yelled back, her eyes were filling with shattered tears. He can't go. "I love him," she cried, her voice not much more than a sorry whimper.
"Well, why won't you even fuck him?!" Rachel bit back.
"Rachel that's enough!" came a heavy voice from the garage door. Jake was wearing nothing more than a pair of running shorts and his jogging shoes as he came to stand between the sofa and Ness, huddled on the floor. "You don't have to fight my battles for me. I'm quite capable of talking to Renesmee myself," he said harshly to his sister. He turned to look at Ness, a hurt yet, disassociated look in his eyes.
Ness saw the fight behind his eyes, the soul splitting division between himself as he battled to either hold her or leave her. She could see it, there, in his eyes, and it scared the shit out of her. Rouge-gorge felt her heart be squeezed, like an old leather belt was tied around it; and as he distanced himself, the belt tightened, bruising and tamponading the rhythm of her life and his love.
No….
So, Jake is the one running away this time around. Review your feelings on the subject.
