The week before the trial was filled with a stretch of bad days. One morning, Olivia woke up to find Alex curled up on the floor again. She sighed and gently lifted Alex back onto the bed, tucking her under the covers and pressing a tender kiss to the crown of her head. Alex didn't stir.

Olivia brushed Alex's hair back from her face and smiled sadly. Alex looked so peaceful in sleep, and Olivia wished she could keep her that way. "I love you, princess," she whispered, and just stayed by her side, watching over her Alex. Making up for lost time.

When Alex's eyes fluttered open, Olivia gave her a quick smile. "'Morning, baby," she said, gently stroking Alex's hair.

Alex shook her head and got to her feet. She pressed her nose into the corner and folded her hands behind her head.

Olivia sighed. "No, baby. Come here." When Alex still didn't comply, she said, more harshly than she'd originally intended, "Come here." When Alex immediately snapped to attention and obeyed, she felt a pang of guilt, but she'd accomplished something.

No, she hadn't. Alex bent over the bed, waiting for Olivia to hit her.

"Alex, I'm not going to hit you. I want you to get up for me. I won't hurt you, baby," she added when Alex made no move to comply. "Alex, you don't need to be afraid. I'm never going to hurt you. But you need to stop standing in the corner or leaning over the bed. You don't deserve to be hurt." When Alex still didn't listen, Olivia sighed again, resorting to her earlier method. "Get up, Alex," she said sharply.

Alex's body jumped, then pushed herself up onto shaky legs, standing before Olivia with her hands clasped. Her frail body was trembling so hard that she was finding it difficult to breathe, and she didn't understand. She'd done exactly what her mistress had told her to. She didn't know why Olivia was so upset with her. She was trying to please her mistress, but now Olivia was angry with her! She began to cry, shaking as she stood before her mistress, waiting to be told what to do.

Olivia's expression softened and she pulled Alex onto her lap. "I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean to scare you. It just hurts me when I see you hurting yourself like that. I love you, princess, more than anything."

But Alex knew that it wasn't true.


Olivia took Alex to see the state's psychiatrist that day and it was a nightmare. Walking out of the apartment was trying in and of itself; Alex kept her head down as Olivia hurried her into the car and started off, a few dogged reporters tailing the vehicle.

Olivia had specifically requested Alex speak to Elizabeth Olivet; she worked for the people who were prosecuting Alex, but Alex knew her and would feel comfortable, or at least comfortable enough not to get hysterical or have a flashback. On second thought, either of those things would clearly prove that Alex wasn't competent to stand trial because she couldn't assist in her own defense.

When Alex finished with Dr. Olivet, Alex ran to Olivia and clung tightly to her, her eyes red-rimmed and puffy. Olivia held her close, murmuring soothing words in her ear and kissing her forehead. When Alex had sufficiently calmed down, she said softly, "Alex, honey, can you wait out here for a few moments? I want to talk to Dr. Olivet."

Alex shook her head, latching onto Olivia's neck.

Olivia gently extricated Alex from her. "I'll be back in just a few minutes, sweetie. Don't worry."

Dr. Olivet led Olivia into her office and gestured for her to sit down. "I don't know what the DA's office is thinking," she said, shaking her head in bemusement. "Alex clearly is in no shape to go through a trial, aside from which she didn't really do anything wrong. She saved herself. How can we fault her for that?"

Olivia sighed, running a hand through her hair. "This is going to destroy her, Liz. She hasn't said a word in months. She's absolutely terrified."

"She feels guilty for what she did and she thinks she deserves to be punished."

"I know. I mean, she – she thinks I'm going to hurt her." She explained to Liz about the belts and the corner and the kneeling. "I don't know what to do!" she finished helplessly.

"There isn't much you can do. Just keep doing what you're doing now. Make sure she knows you love her, and it might take time, but she will get better. Be patient with her."

Olivia winced, remembering the way she'd treated Alex this morning. "But this trial –"

"I'm going to strongly recommend that the state drop the charges. There is absolutely no way – and frankly, no need – for her to go through the trial." Elizabeth hesitated. "She loves you, Olivia, even though you may not see it. She's terrified of disappointing you and she wants you to love her."

"I do," whispered Olivia.

"She feels inferior, though. Reassure her that she's not."

Olivia shook her head in bemusement. "And you figured all this out from an hour long one-sided conversation with her? Did she write anything down for you?"

Elizabeth shook her head. "But her body language was pretty telling. I'm a psychiatrist, Olivia. I'm trained to spot these things." She paused. "I think she felt comfortable with me, and I think I might be able to help her. If she doesn't mind, I think it might be beneficial if she came to see me on a weekly basis. You can always come to me, too, if you think it'll help."

"Thank you," said Olivia gratefully. "I think it might help her, too. She needs someone, and I'm trying, but sometimes I feel that it's just not enough. I don't know . . . it just doesn't seem to be helping."

"It does, Olivia. You may not see it, but it does. More than you know. She is grateful, even if she doesn't know how to show it."

"No, it's not that. But – she's scared of me! I understand, I really do, but she flinches when I come close and she thinks I'm going to hurt her and she thinks I'm going to leave her and I just want to take all that pain and take it for her, but I know I can't. It hurts me that she's hurting."

"She has PTSD, Olivia, and that's perfectly understandable considering all she's been through. It takes time."

"I know, and I know this is going to sound horrible, but I just want things to go back to the way they were. I know it's not her fault, but I wish we could go out for dinner without having to worry that if she sees a man wearing a belt, she's going to have a panic attack. I wish she didn't wake up every night screaming and unable to tell me what was wrong. She never used to be able to shut up, and now, I miss that constant chattering. I would do anything to get it back."

"It'll come," Elizabeth assured her. "And when it does, she'll tell you how much she loves you and how much this has all meant to her. It really does, Olivia."

Olivia nodded. "I know." She sighed. "Thanks, Liz."

They went back out to the waiting room and found Alex curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth as tears streamed down her cheeks, her arms wrapped around herself.

Olivia was by her side in an instant and put a hand on Alex's shoulder, stopping her movement. She gently pried Alex's hands away from her body, inadvertently rolling up her sleeves in the process, and she sucked in a breath when she saw the deep incisions on Alex's arms. They hadn't been there the day before . . . had they? "Sweetheart," she said gently. "Did you do this?"

Alex ducked her head in shame, and Olivia took that as a yes.

"Why?" she asked softly.

Alex buried her head in her hands, her slight body shaking with silent sobs.

"Oh, honey." She pulled Alex into her lap and tenderly rubbed her back, then remembered their audience and looked apologetically at Dr. Olivet.

Elizabeth shook her head as if to wave off the unspoken apology and knelt down in front of Alex. "Alex," she said gently. "Can you look at me?" When Alex finally raised her head, Elizabeth continued, "Alex, I'd like it if you could come to see me once a week from now on. Would that be okay?"

Alex inclined her head slightly, and Dr. Olivet gave her a tight smile.

"I'll see you on Tuesday."

Alex's eyes betrayed her confusion, and Olivia explained, "There's not going to be a trial, honey. You did nothing wrong and Dr. Olivet is going to recommend that the state drop the charges against you."

Olivia could feel some of the tension leave Alex's body, and she knew what Alex wanted her to say. She thanked Elizabeth on Alex's behalf and then they started back to their apartment.

Olivia knew she was going to need to talk to Alex about the cuts on her arms. They looked self-inflicted, and they were too deep to be scratches. Alex was hurting herself.

Alex fell asleep in the car, thrashing and mumbling with nightmares. Olivia didn't wake her, even though she knew she probably should. It was breaking her heart to see Alex like this.

When they arrived at their apartment, Olivia woke Alex and helped her upstairs. She sat down on the couch and pulled Alex down beside her. Alex started to tremble when she saw the set of Olivia's jaw and the look of determination on her face. She lowered her gaze, but Olivia took her chin and lifted it so Alex was looking at her. "Sweetheart, we need to talk about this."

Alex vigorously shook her head. She couldn't talk about this. She would prefer a punishment. She started to get up to grab one of Olivia's wire hangers, but her mistress pulled her back down, clearly anticipating what she was going to do.

"No," said Olivia patiently. "I'm not going to punish you, but Alex, you're hurting yourself, and that scares me. I love you, and I don't like seeing you in pain."

Alex lowered her eyes in shame. She couldn't bear to look at Olivia. She'd disappointed the detective once again.

"Honey, I'm not angry with you, but this needs to stop. I can help you, baby, but only if you let me. If you're feeling sad, or afraid, or angry, or embarrassed, or anything, you know you can come to me. You don't need to take it out on yourself."

Alex began to cry. She wanted to explain this to Olivia, but she couldn't, because she couldn't find the words.

Olivia's expression softened. She pulled Alex into her arms and pressed a gentle kiss to the crown of her head. "Okay, baby. It's okay. I'll help you. I love you, sweetie, and nothing's ever going to change that."

Alex burrowed into Olivia, wetting the detective's shirt with her tears.

Olivia held Alex close, rocking her gently in her arms. "I'm here," she promised. "I always will be here."

Alex tried to believe her.

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