His Soul Reflects My Own, a DreamWorks' How to Train Your Dragon fanfic by Raberba girl
He's Not Dangerous OUTTAKE: Erased (rough draft)
Summary: Hiccup is forced to wipe his dragon's entire chip. Toothless, awakening in a strange flock with no memories, spends days struggling with his shattered identity and trying to avoid the weird human stalker who won't leave him alone.
A/N: THIS IS AN OUTTAKE, it does not actually happen in the real story. I just wrote it because it was writing itself in my head.
Hiccup & Toothless made contact with a Night Fury flock (the same one Toothless was born into). The Night Fury queen thinks that humans are monsters and refuses to believe that a dragon could ever form a genuinely positive bond with one.
There's some mindrape in the flashbacks; I don't know if that needs a trigger warning or not.
xXx
"Toothless?" Hiccup said apprehensively, seeing the look on his friend's face.
"...Please let me kill them," Toothless said quietly. "We have to leave."
"Toothless, what are they saying?"
"Stupid dragons, say You're not my other half!" Toothless exploded. "Say it's only not-real fake lie, say it's only this chip that makes me love You, stupid horrible sucks dragons, I hate them!"
Hiccup set a hand on his arm. "You already know that our friendship is real. It's okay if they won't believe the truth, because we know it."
Toothless seized Hiccup's face in both hands and hissed frantically, "Say I must wipe my chip. HICCUP." They stared at each other for a minute.
Then Hiccup licked his lips nervously. "Okay."
"WHAT?!" Toothless shrieked.
"I have backups. Whatever they delete, even if they wipe the entire thing, I can put it all back, just like I did when Drago took you from me. It's okay. I'll keep you safe, I won't let you be lost."
Toothless was trembling.
Hiccup smiled shakily. "You're the one who always says that stupid chip means nothing, right?" The most important parts of you aren't data; no one can ever erase you."
Toothless clung to him and cried.
They had little choice; the queen refused to release them peacefully unless they complied. If Toothless couldn't prove that the Viking was still his other half even without the chip's influence, then their bond was worthless in the flock's eyes.
When Toothless was settled, Hiccup set his display so that the other dragons could see it, and he copied Toothless's entire chip onto the backup drive he carried with him everywhere.
Then he erased everything.
o.o.o.o.o
I feel sick. My head hurts. Moving makes me sick, so I lie very still for a long time and keep my eyes closed. I can hear noises; there are many people surrounding me. I'm afraid and distressed, I don't know why.
After a while, I know that these noises are...voices. Worried. Anxious. Angry. These people are not happy.
There's one...voice, that I like, I wish it would say more so I can listen to it more. Except it's a very unhappy voice, sad and worried, and I don't like that. I wish the voice would sound happy instead, then I would be happy.
I open my eyes. These creatures look very, very strange, too big and not enough...something. Fur. Not enough fur. Too many body parts sticking out of them. But I can tell they're like me even though they look wrong, for some reason I look the same as them even though I look wrong too, all of them are the same as me except for one.
He looks right, he's supposed to look like that, but he still looks very strange - very too much pale, some things are missing that I thought would be there, some things are a different shape than I thought. He's the one with the voice I like; why?
I understand a little bit what they're saying now. They know me even though I don't know myself, they want to know if I'm okay.
I don't think I'm okay. I sit up, slowly because I'm sick and it hurts. I think, and think, and maybe something's wrong because I don't know anything. I don't know who I am or where I am or where I'm supposed to be or how I got here.
I ask the people. I can't ask very well because I don't know the right sounds to make with my voice, and I'm scared to see that my dreams are empty empty empty and torn, so I can't reach out with them, either. All I can reach out with is confusion fear confusion.
"Calm peace safe rest," they tell me.
The strange pale person keeps reaching for me and making the same strange sound over and over, "Toofess," but I don't know what he wants and his desperation scares me, so I don't want to be close to him.
The people tell me to rest. A young female who says she loves me sits by me and works to soothe the torn, empty places where my dreams used to be before I lost them. I have no dreams to replace them with, but as she works and as I sleep, I remember more and more how to speak again.
o.o.o.o.o
This is a flock. These are nightshadows, and I am a nightshadow, too. The female who loves me calls me her brother; the others call me a foreigner, because I don't belong to their flock. I think I used to belong here a long time ago, but now I don't.
There is another foreigner, but he's not a nightshadow. Some of the others call him a monster, but I don't think he is. I don't know what he is. He is not allowed in the nest, but every time I leave the nest, he approaches me and says gibberish to me, and won't leave me alone even when I push him away or threaten him.
I'm a little scared of him, because I can't intimidate him at all. Sometimes I can scare him a little, especially when I hurt him, and he will act submissive - but he only obeys when I make him, and as soon as I stop making him, he come after me again.
He's so weak and unthreatening, he never challenges me even though he disobeys me, so I get confused and scared because he's too strange. He never attacks me, so I can't fight back and subdue him for real. He won't give me a reason to destroy him, but he won't leave me alone, either.
I think he wants me, I don't know why. I don't know why! What does he want?!
o.o.o.o.o
I'm not sick anymore, and I have a few dreams now. I don't like that they're so small, but I have so very little, it will take a long time to make them big enough.
I must fly soon, I will get weak if I don't, but something's wrong with me. One of my tail fins is gone, and the thing inside me that Sister calls a chain, it hurts when I try to fly. I can't stay in the air.
Me and Sister are standing on a cliff, watching the flock fly. "I can carry you for a little while," she offers.
"No." It seems wrong. I have a dream that I can fly, that if I can find an important something, I don't know what, then I can fly even though I'm crippled. I don't understand, but it's the only thing that doesn't seem wrong. I wish I knew what the important something is.
"I will fly a little bit, then I will come back to you," Sister promises.
"Okay." I watch her fly away, and I'm alone.
No, not alone. One Who Won't Go Away stalks me as if I'm his prey, but I don't understand because he never hurts me even when he catches me.
When Sister is gone into the sky, Harasser stops hiding and approaches me, and I growl at him to warn him to stay away.
He makes his nothing-sounds that sound like language but don't mean anything. "O, Toofess, kutidow."
He stops, so I stop growling. We watch each other.
Then he approaches again. "Stay away!" I yell at him.
He crouches down, but I know now that he's not really submissive even when he says he is. There's a word for that, I know there's a word for that, but I don't know what it is, and neither does anyone in the flock when I ask them.
He's still low to the ground, but he crawls toward me. I think I should run away, but I don't want to run away, I don't know why. So I pounce on him instead and pin him so he can't hurt me.
He's a little bit frightened, but not very much and not for long. He likes that I'm close to him even though I'm subduing him. I wonder if I should hurt him, but I don't like doing that; I don't like the pain sounds he makes at all, and I HATE seeing blood or bruises on him, I don't know why. It seems wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong, so I don't hurt him anymore, I only threaten him.
I don't like when he approaches me, because he's scary; but when I have him subdued and his eyes aren't looking at me and his hands aren't pointing at me...I kind of like being close to him. A little bit. Maybe because he smells good. He's the best, best thing I ever smelled, I don't don't don't know why. He smells like home and safe, more than the nest does.
"Yuumeber miyet, Toofess?"
It's okay that I can't fly, I'm still happy, I don't know why.
I shouldn't have let my guard down. "Don't touch me!"
"Sarri! Sarri! Tssokay, Toofess, aisarri."
He is pretending - pretending, that's the word! - to be submissive, he's almost groveling, and I know he really is apologetic, but I'm still scared. I can't fly, so I run.
o.o.o.o.o
I can't stop thinking about him. I'm supposed to be sleeping, but all my thoughts and all my dreams are full of him him him him, that One Who Won't Go Away, so I decide to stop trying to sleep. I will...go look for him.
I find a guardian and ask him to take me to Harasser. We go to Harasser's aerie, a very strange bright-colored thing with something noisy inside of it. I tear the side of the strange aerie open so I can go into it.
Harasser is curled up on his bed, staring at me, frightened/excited/confused/anxious/happy/sad/worried. He's holding the noisy thing. I approach him and hold him down with my knee so he can't hurt me, and I take the noisy thing so I can examine it.
There are FACES. Tiny alive faces staring out of the thing at me, I shriek and throw the scary faces-thing away.
Harasser cries out. I grab him and yell at him, demanding to know what that thing is and who is inside it, but all he says is gibberish. He's frightened.
I wait until I'm brave enough to investigate the thing again, then I approach very cautiously and look at it. It's dark and silent now, there are no more faces, only cracks like spider webs. Maybe it's broken. I shoot it just to make sure.
Harasser is staring staring staring at me, frightened and very still. "...Toofess."
I approach him warily and push him back down so I can rest my head on his chest.
Beat beat beat beat beat. Beat, beat, beat, beat. Beat. Beat. Beat. Beat.
This is such a good and calming sound that I am not afraid anymore. I think maybe Harasser is caressing my hair, but I'm not sure because I fall asleep.
o.o.o.o.o
I wake up, where am I where am I this strange place strange person close to me-!
He is staring at me. He is not moving; I slept close to him and he didn't hurt me.
...
...There are speckles on his face. Do they come off, or are they part of his skin?
...They are part of his skin. I like them, I don't know why.
He winces and pushes my hand away, but he's not upset. I touch the speckles again. He smiles and reaches up to touch my facial scal- What?! Stop that!
"Howdayuu laikt, huh?"
"Don't touch me!" But he reaches for me again, so I run away!
Not far. I hide and I watch him. I watch and watch as he moves around his aerie and goes into it and comes out and fiddles with things. Finally he stops and he looks right at me. "Haibahd. Isseeyuu."
I growl. He crouches down and watches me, pretending to be a not-threat. I know he will pounce on me and catch me if I get too close, so I run to him and pounce on him and catch him instead. He's on the ground and he can't move and he's helpless, but maybe he's stupid because he's not scared of me at all even though I'm threatening him.
His voice is soft, he's both happy and sad at the same time. "Hai Toofess. Aimsstuu."
Be scared of me! My hands glow with fire. I will not shoot him... But I want to scare him like he scares me.
But he's not scared. He just looks at me, and I feel like he's pushing a blade into my heart. "Stop that!" I hide his eyes with my hand and push his face to the side so he can't look at me anymore. "Don't do that! Be scared of me! Are you so stupid that you won't even be scared of my fire?!"
"Toofess..."
I scream. I don't know what to do. I hate him but I don't want to run away, I want to stay close to him as if he has chained my heart to his. "What do you want?! What do you want?!"
I throw myself to the ground and pull him over me and press his hand to my throat. I can't stand it anymore. I want to escape. If he wants to hurt me, I want him to hurt me, I don't want to be hunted and frightened anymore.
"Ssshhh... Sshh, Toofess, tssokay..." He is not triumphant, only grieving. When I let go, he lets go too, and he soothes and comforts me until I am calm again.
...He doesn't want to hurt me. He wants me so so much, but not to hurt me. What does he want?
We go together to find the flock. They are flying, hunting. I spread my wings, then I remember...I can't fly, I can't fly, I can't fly. I watch the flock that is not my flock, and I grieve.
...He is grieving with me, I don't know why. This person, he is crouched close to me and his heart is hurting like mine is. He takes the end of my tail and he cradles my one fin to his heart as if it's a hurt child.
...I think maybe he's the one who took my fin and my flight away from me. I don't know why I think this, but I think maybe it's true. "Please give my flight back to me," I beg him softly. I think he wants to. He would not grieve like this unless he wants me to fly again.
He stands up and he holds out his hands to me. I don't know why I trust him or why I want to follow him and be close to him, but I do. He feels more safe home love than this flock of nightshadows does; why?!
He leads me toward the cliff's edge. He stops and he babbles nonsense at me, feeling excited and nervous. His babbling doesn't mean anything, so I look at his eyes, green like mine, and the speckles on his face that I like, and his fluffy hair, and his chest with the heart beating inside it that's so comforting to listen to...
"Yuureddy, Toofess?" He squeezes my hand.
"I want to fly," I tell him.
He hesitates. Then he puts his arms around me and holds me close.
I hug him tight. He is the thing I like best. He's mine. I fold my wings around him, and he whispers something in my ear.
Then he pulls away and he runs, gripping my hand tight.
We're heading for the edge of the cliff. We will jump. We will jump off the edge of that cliff, and we will fall and be killed, or we will fly. We'll do it together.
We leap, and I flap my wings. My chain hurts, my tail, falling-
He takes my dreams, and he gives me his. Somehow he's holding me with something I can't see; my wings and his, his something, I don't know what, we are holding each other in the air, I am his wings but somehow he is my wings, too.
We're not flying right, we stagger and veer, but I try to be strong so I can keep us up. The more I trust him and surrender to him, the steadier our flight becomes. His dreams fill the empty part of me so I have two tail fins again, one is mine and one is his. I forgot how to fly, but it's okay because he remembers.
We have flown together before. I don't remember, but I'm sure. We have flown together so much that we know exactly what to do and how to move, as if we are one instead of two.
I love Him, and I know He loves me. He loves me so much that He chased me and caught me so He wouldn't lose me; I left Him, I don't know why or how but I left Him all alone, why did I do that?! But it's okay because He found me again and held onto me. He loves me so much that we are flying now even though I can't fly. We must stay together. I won't ever leave Him again.
He's so happy happy happy HAPPY to fly, I didn't know someone could be so happy, but I know He's tired now. He's straining to carry us, His cries are still joyful but His voice is getting hoarse, I must land now and let Him rest.
When our feet touch the ground, He collapses into my arms, He's smiling and I think maybe He might fall asleep, He worked so hard to carry us when we have a missing fin and a broken chain.
I am already holding His shoulders, so I scoop His legs into my other arm so I can carry Him. He gets very awake again and squawks and struggles, I don't know why. "Toofess puhmidahn!" He babbles more protests as the flock gathers all around us.
He goes still, staring back at them, and I hold Him closer. "I claim this person as my other half," I tell them.
They shriek and leap and flap their wings. Some of them are glad for me and some of them are angry, but most of them are just amazed. Half Of Me is nervous and uncertain as He watches them, so I nuzzle His face to reassure Him.
"Puhmidahn, Toofess." He squirms again, and He's not falling asleep anymore, so I let Him stand on His feet, His real foot and His metal not-foot.
Sister runs to me and hugs me. "You did it, Brother! You did it!"
"Did what?"
The queen is glaring at us, furious and afraid, I don't know why.
"Brother, you can have your heart back now!"
"What?"
"Your heart! Your other half who loves you kept your heart safe all this time until you claimed him again, and now you can have it back!"
"What?! What?!" I don't understand. My heart? I lost my heart?
Sister reaches for Half Of Me, but He gets protection-scared and backs away with His hands covering His hip that she tried to touch. I growl and stand in front of Half Of Me to protect Him.
"No, Brother, you don't understand!"
They explain to me. They say that me and Half Of Me have been two halves for a long time. When we found this flock, no one would believe that a dreamling and a human could be two halves, so we had to prove it.
They thought we were fake halves, fake, they said if I erased my other half from my memories that I would forget Him! They can't believe that our hearts are still linked together, no matter what I remember. They can't believe-
But I did forget Him! I forgot, I, how did I forget my other half...?!
Sister says that I can have my heart back now. I...I'm upset and confused...
Half Of Me is protection-scared, I think it's my heart He's so desperate to protect. Finally we make Him understand. I'm allowed to have it back, I'm allowed, they should never have taken it away from me and all, it's mine, how could they-?!
Half Of Me is anxious and gentle as He soothes me. He takes out my-
That's my heart?! What is that, my heart doesn't look like that, that flat hard dead thing...!
"Sshh, Toofess, kahmdow. Tsokay, Toofess, okay?" He's reaching for my chain. He wants to...He wants me to let Him...
I'm frightened but I trust Him, I let Him open my, ow, my chain, oh, oh, I'm scared, Half Of Me please don't hurt me, I-!
Half Of Me's voice is soft. "Yuureddy, Toofess? Aigunna duuda trsheyshn pogam fur."
Something. Ohhhh, ow, what, what is this, I don't think it hurts but I think it should, what's, filling me, there was so much emptiness, but...filling...
"Toothless?"
?!
Toothless?! Toothless?! I know this sound, it's a word, it-! "No Teeth?! Toothle-" 'Toothless' means no teeth, no teeth- My name! He was saying my name all this time?! One Who Has No Teeth, my- "My mouth, what is-?!" I scream because I'm making horrible strange sounds, they're words and I know what they mean, what?! What?!
"Toothless!"
"What, what, what is?!"
"Toothless, sshh, calm down, it's okay-"
"Half Of Me!" I cling to Him and cry. I can't think. They're words. How...?
"You learned this language," Half Of Me murmurs, holding me. "It got wiped off your chip. I'm sorry it's coming back to you so suddenly."
"You can talk...talking for real...how can we talk...?!" He comforts me and reassures me until I finally stop being scared.
"Here, Toothless. You'll like this one. Here, look."
Filling...fill- "FLYING?!" I can't believe it, but it's there, I want to scream with joy. "I can fly! I can fly!" I know this, this...sequence. Sequence, flying sequence, we love this thing, me and my other half, this is how we fly and fly and fly and fly together without struggling...!
I grab Him. "Half Of Me, let's fly!"
"Wait, wait, Toothless- Toothless! Stop. We'll fly later; later, Toothless. Your chip! We have to restore the rest of your chip first."
I stare at Him.
"Come here," He says affectionately, and holds me again. "Here, let's go somewhere you can lie down; you'll probably pass out."
I sleep and wake and sleep and wake, I don't know what world I'm in anymore. Half Of Me is in all of them, so it's okay. He is filling me with all all all the things I lost, I'm so happy because He had them all this time and was keeping them safe for me. I love Him so much.
I stay in one world for so long that finally I decide I'm awake. Half Of Me fell asleep with His hand on the chain behind my ear, I mean the chip, but when I hug Him, He wakes up.
"Mmh- Toothless! The transfer?" He's funny, so anxious and eager to check the chip instead of waiting for me to tell Him how happy I am that He's here with me. "Okay...everything looks okay so far. I wanna run a diagnostic, but maybe I should wait 'til it's all complete so I won't have to run it twice..."
Why does He keep babbling about not-important things? I'm more important. I wrap my arms around Him and pull Him so He'll look at me.
"Ack, wait! Toothless, we're not done yet- Toothless!" Finally He looks at me. "Hey, bud, we're not done yet. Almost- Almost done, I left your memories for last, but..." He takes my head between His hands and speaks gently as if He's trying to calm me down, even though I'm not upset. "Toothless...you have some really bad memories."
I really like His face speckles. He blinks when I touch them again.
"Toothless, listen to me. Pay attention. Some of your memories are bad. They're going to hurt. That's why I left them for last."
"Hm?"
He holds me like He's trying to comfort me, but I think He's really comforting Himself instead. I hug Him so He'll feel better.
"Toothless..." He makes me lie down again, and He starts to give my memories back to me.
o.o.o.o.o
Darkness...warmth...
o.o.o
Mama.
Mama, I'm scared...Mama...
o.o.o
I want- Why is- Other Ones I don't like getting in my way, can't reach, why is, Papa make them go away!
o.o.o
Papa holding me and crooning to me, I love Him so much~
o.o.o
Reckless hit me, I don't like Reckless, stupid brother, I bite him, Stubborn falls on me, hitting and hurting...
Papa picking me up, I don't care that Mama's yelling at us, I snuggle against Papa because He loves me and I feel safe.
o.o.o
Scary scary scary HER scary don't eat me don't don't don't Papa please help save me please...!
o.o.o
Cold dark miserable trapped hungry Papa I miss You I miss You I miss You so much...
o.o.o
No no no please don't please no, NO, aaaaahhh! It hurts, hurts hurts pain so much no aaahh I'm, my head, I, will die, HURTS, HURTS, HURTS, HURTS...
o.o.o
Hurting...and hurting...always hurting, won't stop hurting...
o.o.o
Papa...holding me tight, crying... I feel better.
o.o.o
Stupid chain! I want to fly there, I want to see what is over there, stop making me fly here where I can't see...!
o.o.o
I don't like being smaller than them, I don't like it! Papa says it's okay that I'm small, but it's not, I can't run or fly or reach as far, and they always beat me and I hate it!
o.o.o
HER SCARY NO NO NO DON'T MAKE ME GO IN THERE DON'T NO I'M SCARED I'M SCARED I'M SCARED...!
She owns me. I belong to Her but She doesn't belong to me, I hate it. She can reach inside me and hurt me, She makes me do things I don't want to do, I hate Her, let me go, let me go I hate You, don't, no, don't...!
o.o.o
I don't have to be strong. Everyone except Papa says I'm bad for being small and weak, but hah, they're wrong and stupid and I'm better than them.
I got three oranges all by myself, and none of them are allowed to have any; only me. And Papa, I will give one to Papa because He loves me, but that's it, the rest are all~ mine because they said I was bad and they won't believe me when I say I'm good.
o.o.o
Mama is pregnant. There is a baby inside her. Only one this time, not three. I want to look inside her belly to see the baby, but she won't let me.
Papa says I will see the baby when she's born. He says it will be months! That's a very long time, I can't wait that long, I want to see her now!
o.o.o
Her, I hate hate hate Her that queen!
She freezes me so I can't move and She reaches into my head and it hurts, I feel hurt and dirty, it hurts more when I try to stop Her but She makes me, I have to go to scary places and do horrible things and bring stupid things to Her or She'll eat me...!
o.o.o
The BABY is very noisy and tiny and ugly. I don't like her, but Papa loves her, I don't know why.
o.o.o
I picked up the baby my sister when Mama was asleep. She's soft and wriggly.
She pulls on my beads and puts one in her mouth, I don't know why. She chews on the bead. "Stop that." I pull it out of her mouth. "That's not food to eat."
"Ba." She hits me but it doesn't hurt at all. She's weaker than me, hah. "Ba. Ba." There is drool coming out of her mouth and she's too weak to wipe it away, so I wipe it dry because she can't do it herself.
She closes her gums on my paw and chews. "That's not food, either. I think you're a stupid baby."
"She's not stupid, Son."
Oh, Papa was watching us. I didn't notice Him.
"All babies are like that. They will put everything in their mouths if they can. Even you did when you were a baby."
"No I didn't!"
Papa takes the baby into His arms and coos at her. She likes it, so she laughs. I like how she laughs.
"Hiding~ Hiding~" Papa sings, hiding His eyes. "Boo!"
The baby shrieks happily when He whips His paw away.
"Why does she like that?" I ask.
"Here, you try."
I cover my face with my paws. "Hiding~ Hiding~" I pull my paws away fast. "BOO!"
She screams again. She likes it very much. This baby my sister is a cute thing that I like.
o.o.o
No! I hate You! Leave me alone!
She freezes me, and I try to keep Her out but She tears me open and reaches inside me and hurts me, I hate feeling so helpless, I hate it, I hate it! I won't do what You want me to do! I don't care if You eat me! I don't care if You-!
She looks at the most me part of me and touches the bonds in my treasured file and makes me scream.
There are three. The heaviest ugliest one ties me to Her, so I don't care about it; but the prettiest one ties me to Sister and I'm so so so scared She'll break it because She shouldn't be touching it like this, and- And- My bond to Papa, my most precious person that I love-!
"I will rend this bond," She tells me, "if you don't obey." I can't breathe. If She breaks that bond, I will die. Maybe Papa will die, too.
She searches through my files, I can't stop Her, I'm crying and crying, She finds my most precious memories of Papa and squeezes them.
"Please don't," I beg Her. "I will obey."
"I made you."
"Yes." Papa says She didn't make us, only our stupid ugly bodies, but I won't tell Her that.
"You belong to me, not to yourself or anyone else."
"Y-Yes."
"You are not allowed to resist me."
"Yes," I sob, "yes."
"If you disobey me, I will destroy your father that you love."
I can't say anything, because I'm crying too hard.
"I will destroy your sister that you love. Then I will crush you."
I wish...I wish She would crush me now, so this pain will stop and Papa and Sister will still be safe...
"Submit to me."
"Yes, Master."
She pushes the mission orders back into my chain, and this time I can't delete them.
o.o.o
I killed somebody today, when I was in one of the Outside worlds. I didn't like the sounds he made. My fur is sticky and I can still smell blood on it; I don't like that, either.
I sit alone for a long time feeling unhappy and strange until Papa finds me. I tell Him what She made me do, and that I don't feel good in my heart.
He is angry and grieving, and He holds me to comfort me.
"Papa, we are slaves."
"Yes."
"I don't like being a slave."
"No one is ever supposed to be a slave. We're all supposed to be free."
"How do we become free and not slaves?"
"...I don't know, Son. But I have been thinking about it for a long time." He takes me home and washes the blood off of me and sings to me until I fall asleep.
o.o.o
We are fleeing!
All the nightshadow adults agreed and planned for a long time, it was only supposed to be us nightshadows but there are a few spinewings and a one-who-is-two and some venombiters here, too.
We're fleeing. Papa has Sister, He and Reckless are far away there; I'm here with Mama and Stubborn.
A lot of times we have to pretend we're not fleeing, so if She-
HER HER HER running flying scattered, She screams when She tries to freeze us but the lead group attack Her and hurt Her, running-!
Too bright colors hurts can't see, Papa and Sister dying, dying-?!
Fire. It was only a threat?! My head hurts...
The fangclaws are attacking Her now, they go for Her body and the spinewings go for her CHIAN-HOLDER and the rock-eaters go for-
I can't see Papa anymore, He's gone. The world border is torn, slaves are escaping, I can't fly, I-
Too bright, colors, pain...!
Mama's dragging me, screaming at me to move move move move move or she'll leave me behind-
The border is closing.
"FLY, NO TEETH!" Mama screams at me.
"I can't! Mama, I can't, please help me!"
She pulls me, but we're not fast enough. It's closing. We won't reach it in time.
Mama lets go of me.
"MAMA!"
The portal closed. Mama is safe.
I'm not.
Her eyes, Her that I hate who scares me, She looks at me...!
o.o.o
One Who Snatches Feathers was sick, and One Who Prowls Foreign Territory was old. They don't survive being tortured.
Me and One Who Chases Rainbows survive. We are broken. We are the only two nightshadows left in this world.
o.o.o
We're fast. We know what to look for. We bring Her what She wants, we obey and we hide.
o.o.o
I nearly got hit by a human freeze weapon. I dodged it.
I like this body a lot better than my real one. I wish I could stay in this world. Even if a human caught me and killed me, I would rather be here than in Her dreamscape.
o.o.o
One Who Chases Rainbows is dead. I want to be sad, but I'm not. I'm not happy or angry or amazed or grieving. My body can move, but I think maybe my heart is frozen.
o.o.o
I am the only nightshadow in this flock. I'm all alone.
o.o.o
Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be a human. I would protect my precious things and shoot my weapons at dreamlings. I would be raging and terrified. I would be alive, and free.
o.o.o
I have a strange dream:
A human is hunting me. A human chased me into my dream and is looking for me, but he can't find me because I'm hiding in my dream.
He's alone and scared and grieving. This is his dream, too; we're having the same one.
His heart has been broken for a long time, just like mine. My heart likes this and goes to comfort him. Stupid heart, stay away from the human, he thinks that catching me will fix his broken heart-!
...I very much like the body that this human gives to my heart. It's furry, but pretty and graceful instead of ugly.
But he's still a human and dangerous, so I run to grab my stupid heart away from him.
He wants to catch me, but he's not a scary human. I think maybe he won't hurt me if he catches me.
...Even if he does hurt me, he can't hurt me as much as She does. I hate Her so much. I'd rather this human kill me than She kill me.
I'm scared, so I make him comfort me as my heart gives him the key to my chain.
o.o.o.o.o
I take a very long time to wake up. I feel sick.
Sister is curled close to me (she's so big, not a baby anymore?!), and Papa is stroking my hair. Half Of Me is holding me and crying, sharing the pain in my heart.
...Memories. All these...memories. So many. So terrible...I don't know why I'm still alive...
...
Where did Half Of Me come from? When did I get an other half? ...He's the human from my dream?
"Toothless..."
"Half Of Me." I want to lick His cheek to tell Him I love Him, but I can't reach and I'm too tired.
"Toothless...I'm so sorry..."
"Why?" He's comforting me. That's a good thing, not a bad thing.
"I didn't know it would be that awful."
"I love You."
"Toothless..."
"Half Of Me, where did You come from? Why do I love You?"
"I...I couldn't keep going, it was too much, I...Toothless, I didn't finish giving back your memories. There's still more."
"No!" I beg Him, please please please no, I don't want to remember more pain horrible hurting, but He says the rest are all of me and Him together and they're good.
"They're good memories, Toothless. We became friends and we killed her and you're free now, she can't hurt you anymore, I swear. There's some parts where you get mad at me for taking stupid risks, but it always turns out all right, I promise - look, both of us are alive, see? And there's, there's one bad one, something bad happened a few months ago but I promise I'll warn you before it comes...please, Toothless..."
Finally I let Him, because...because I want to remember Him and why I love Him so much...
o.o.o.o.o
These are good memories, precious to me, I'm glad He wanted me to have them back.
He caught me away from Her but He didn't kill me, we became two halves who are each other's wings. He let His humans steal me away from Him, but then He came back for me, and we did kill Her that I hate, She's dead dead dead gone we belong to Him now our wonderful queen that we love...
o.o.o.o.o
"Toothless."
It's just me and Him now, resting in His aerie. The others saw that I'm better now, so they left to hunt.
"Hiccup-" His name! His name His name my other half's name, I remember now, I remember- "Hiccup! My Hiccup that I love!"
"Hey, bud."
I nuzzle Him. 'Bud' is His special name just for me~ "You are One Who Hiccups my other half, You caught me and I love You." He's smiling and He loves me too, so why is His heart hurting?
"Toothless, listen...I stopped it there because I have to warn you first."
"Fighting that Drago human that I hate. He is bad, Hiccup, a monster, but You will be gentle and love him and tie him to Your heart and capture Him like You always do."
"N...Not...not this time, bud."
? That is how Hiccup wins. Always, He never hurts them, but He still wins anyway. Her that I hate is the only one He hurt; but He always wins, and everyone else He doesn't hurt.
"Toothless, listen." He's so gentle and anxious again. It's okay, Hiccup, I'm not upset.
"Sshh, stop that. Listen, Toothless. What's the worst thing you can imagine?"
"We were fighting that Drago, but now we're not fighting Drago, we are with a nightshadow flock..."
"Hey, please focus, okay? If something bad happened, what bad thing would hurt you most?"
I wince. It hurts just to think about it. "Lose my Hiccup."
"That would be pretty bad, huh."
"Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad." I hold Him close to reassure myself.
"Toothless, it would be bad if I was dead, huh?"
"Stop it! Not dead!"
"I almost died."
"Stupid Hiccup, stupid human that I love, reaching to angry foreigners, falling out of the sky, say we can't fight can't protect You, I hate it hate it hate it-!"
"Toothless. Not like that."
I'm scared. "Hiccup shut up." I cover His mouth. He looks at me. Finally I take my hand away from His mouth. I'm crying, I don't know why; except I think maybe my heart knows why even though I forgot.
"Toothless." He's so, so gentle, trying not to hurt me even though I know He will hurt me so much. "Toothless, what if someone killed me?"
"NO!"
"What if a dragon killed me? What if you hurt me by accident?"
I'm crying. He's hurting me.
"Toothless." He's crying, too. "What if someone made you try to kill me?"
"No...! No...!"
"Squirt- Drago ordered that Dream Master to make you try to kill me."
"DIDN'T KILL MY HICCUP!"
"You almost did. You shot at me."
"NO!" I scream, and I want to escape but He's holding me down, I can't run away from this, it can't be true but it hurts so much that I know it's true.
"Y-You shot at me, but someone saved me. My father saved me, and he's dead now, Toothless."
I won't flee in this world, but I can't stand it anymore. I make myself sleep so my dream-self can flee instead.
o.o.o.o.o
I thought I would hide in dream worlds for a long time, but I can't, I miss my Hiccup too much. I make myself wake up.
Father and Sister are here. "Where is Half Of Me?" I ask them.
"I think he's hiding from you," Sister says. "He's ashamed and doesn't want to be close to you, but I don't know why."
"He does that sometimes...He thinks things are His fault but they aren't, and then He's afraid I won't like Him anymore, so He hides from me."
They're shocked.
"Humans are stupid," I say sadly.
"He makes you so happy, though," Father says. "You have suffered so much, but he set you free from Her and makes you happy when you're together."
"He hurts me so much, too..."
"But he makes it worth enduring," Father says softly. He has an other half, too. He knows what it's like. I reach for him, and he comforts me.
Hiccup comes into the tent, carrying things. He drops them all when He sees me awake. "Toothless!" He wants to come to me, but then He's scared to. "You were asleep for so long, uh..."
"Hiccup." He winces when I call Him. "Stop that." I reach for Him. "Come here."
He creeps close to me and lets me hug Him. "Toothless, I'm so sorry..."
"Comfort me."
He does. "Toothless, I had no idea it would hurt you so much. I didn't know, or I'd never have...I'm sorry."
"...Hiccup, I will never kill You."
"I know. I know, of course you wouldn't, not when you're in your right mind. Of course you wouldn't."
"Never, Hiccup."
"It wasn't your fault," He whispers.
My eyes fill with tears. "Why? Why, Hiccup, why, why is there a fake horrible very so much bad memory that I kill You?!"
"It wasn't your fault. They made you do it, they made you."
"I will die instead of kill You."
"You didn't know what you were doing, Toothless. They hijacked your chip."
"It's real, it's real, not fake, no no no bad I can't...!"
"Toothless...if I could unmake that memory, I would, I would fix all my stupid mistakes if I could, but...Toothless...one time I did erase that memory, and..." His fingertips brush over the scars on my wrist.
...There are scars on my wrist. Someone tried to bite my hand off. ...Maybe it was me. If I don't have hands, I can't shoot my Hiccup that I love, hah.
"It was awful. It would have been better if I hadn't."
I look at my other hand to see if I bit that one, too. I didn't, stupid me.
...Something's wrong with this hand, though. ...A different Dream Master made it, not the one who made the rest of my body. It makes me shiver, but...hah. I couldn't bite the other hand off, but this one I did, to keep my Hiccup safe- Except that a stupid Dream Master gave it back, why did they give my horrible hand back to me...?!
"Toothless," Hiccup says, "if you see that memory again and decide you don't want it, I promise I'll erase it. But...but you need to have the choice, Toothless. Please."
I'm so scared and grieving, but I take His hand and put it on this chip.
o.o.o.o.o
It hurts so much that I feel sick, I can feel my body even in the memories.
Stolen away from my Hiccup that I love, torn away form my queen that I love, pain and confusion and my Hiccup hating me, something so wrong, Dad is dead with his burned flesh smelling like my fire, lost, emptiness, hiding, my Hiccup calling me back to Him...
Giving all my trust to Him and flying and trapped and RAGING and fighting and, and, I am alpha now, I am alpha, no matter what happens I must return to my precious flock, they are not here now, I left them, I left them for too long too long I must go back to them...!
These nightshadows tried to erase the chain between me and Hiccup.
They tried to erase it.
They said we are fake lie not-halves, how dare they, how dare they, they're WRONG!
...The chain is still here. It got so weak, just a thread instead of a chain, but it was still here.
HAH. I knew no one could ever erase it, I knew I knew I knew I knew I KNEW! Even with no chip and no memories, Hiccup always belongs to me and I always belong to Him! We will always find each other! He chased me and He called me and He knew He was still in my heart!
We are two halves who make one whole. Our bodies don't matter; our hearts are the same.
o.o.o.o.o
I am awake, but I can't move. My mind is very awake, but my body is so tired.
Hiccup is typing, He's sad and tired too, He looks at me and gasps and puts down the tablet and comes to me. "Toothless?"
"My Hiccup. Mine."
"How're you feeling, bud?"
"Bad. Come here."
I want to hug Him and smell Him. I'm surprised and happy when He shifts my head to rest on Him so I can hear His heartbeat. I love this sound so much. It says, "I'm alive and safe and here."
"I've been testing the waters while you slept," He says. "They're a lot more accepting now, even the queen. The younger ones especially are really curious."
"We will go home, Hiccup. Soon."
"Yeah. As soon as you're strong enough."
"Hiccup."
"Yeah?"
"They can't erase us. Ever."
"That's right. You were right, Toothless. It doesn't matter what happens to your chip; we're still...coded in each other's hearts."
"Yes, but it hurts to get erased! Hurts SO MUCH! Never happen again, Hiccup!"
"Never, of course, never, I'm so sorry, I will never let your chip get erased again. Backups are for emergencies only."
"Never!"
"Never. I promise."
"Never! Never! Never!"
"Sshh, it's okay, Toothless."
"Never." I'm crying now.
"Sshh, it's okay, I'm here."
"Hiccup! Hiccup!"
"I'm here, Toothless, I won't leave you...I won't let you go..."
o.o.o
Author's Notes: Toothless was not experiencing the memory dump in real time. His whole life's worth of memories only took a few hours to transfer.
'Reckless' and 'Stubborn' are supposed to be baby-names for Tooth's clutchmates in my canon-based stories. I still haven't figured out what their most common adult names are, and their HSRMO names should be based on their real names, not their baby-names. :/ As always, I'll fix it later, if I ever get a chance...
I try to be really careful about the "I'll track you down and never lose you" thing, because it can have both a positive and a negative interpretation. I'm INTENDING it as the positive version in this story. This is not like those cases where a victim is trying to flee someone who's been unhealthily possessive of them.
One of my WIPs is a HSRMO version of He's Not Dangerous, which is turning out to be really different from the canon-based version. (Not in the general idea, but in specifics.) For a while, I was toying with the idea of the Furies forcing Toothless to wipe his chip, and I imagined out this entire story where Toothless has complete amnesia and Hiccup has to re-bond with him. Ultimately, I decided that it went to too much of an extreme; even the Night Fury queen (SHE SHOULD BE A FEMALE QUEEN IN THE CANON-BASED FIC, BTW, NOT A MALE ALPHA! WILL HOPEFULLY FIX IT SOMEDAY!) would eventually accept HiccTooth's bond without forcing them to do something so traumatic.
But the story was already imagined out by then, so I figured I might as well write it even though it has become an outtake. *sweatdrop*
I wrote it a month or two ago in my notebooks. Feverishly typed it up tonight because of some real life personal issues involving paranoia...
