If I was nervous about publishing the last chapter it's nothing to this one. Fingers crossed I did an okay job...
In other news, I looked at the word count on Ressurrection and Birth today. Not including little drabbly bits like this at the start of the chapters it's still over 100,000 words.
Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone official word count? 76,944.
*sigh* I'm wasting my life...
There was a bit of grass growing up by the plinth, and I knelt down, ripping it up to clear it away.
"Sorry Eesh," I mumbled. "I know I ain't been visiting much…"
I brushed my palm over the marble to clear the name and the epitaph. I wasn't gonna stop here – Carlos had only just been buried a few plots over and the huge crowd was finally dispersing. Pierce and Shaundi were with the Boss, hovering around her but she was distant, ignoring them. Like I said, I didn't mean to stop here, but after that ceremony I needed someone to talk to.
Eesh always knew what to do.
The first time I'd visited I'd felt like a jackass talking to the stone angel but it had gotten easier. I could think clearly here.
"Just buried a friend," I said, standing and sticking my hands in my pockets "Well, we weren't ever that close but he and the Boss were. Heh, you'd be happy to know."
I looked to the thick patch of grass that covered her – that cold thing slipped into my gut again, a little worse today.
"I could really use you now babe," I muttered aloud. "… it's the Boss. She's like a fuckin zombie. I kept waitin' for her to react at the funeral but… y'know, there was nothin'. She just put a lily on the coffin, watched him go down, never moved, never said a word."
I cringed and rubbed a hand over the back of my neck.
"I been tryin to keep her busy since she got better, y'know, blowin' shit up, killin' off some of those Brotherhood assholes. Nothin' like a little destruction to keep her distracted. She didn't do too well after y-" fuck, things are easier thought than said… "Shaundi told me she'd tried to sleep herself into oblivion and I didn't want that happening now. Then she got sick, I mean, really fuckin sick. Dammit I already lost you and…"
I stepped forward and put my hand on the marble. I glanced past it to the crowd and saw most of them had already gone. The Boss was leaning up against the tree; lighting up a cigarette till Shaundi came over and took it away from her. Huh, brave move there kiddo…
"You always got her to talk to you." I said, then with a dry laugh, "Y'know I actually got jealous of that sometimes. That she'd tell you things she didn't tell me… I gotta know how babe. I'm losin' her here. She ain't the same."
I gripped the marble harder like it might be a conduit to her and lost myself in thought.
After what happened to Eesh I was all kinds of wrong. I think the best way I can say it was 'unbalanced'. Kinda like a yin with no yang. The Boss was the only person who managed to keep me together. Now she and Carlos weren't even really together for a day before he was taken away from her.
"You know that's what shits me the most, that she hadn't gotten time with him." I said sharply to the stone angel, knowing Eesh would've felt the same… "She finally starts opening up and what does she get? What's her fuckin reward? Having to mercy kill the poor bastard after seeing him getting tortured by those Brotherhood cunts."
I quickly cleared my throat. "Sorry," I muttered. Eesh never liked that word.
"I'm tryin to take care of her," I closed my eyes and sighed, "…I really wish you were here right now."
Saying that made me even more uncomfortable. November sixteen was approaching way too fast now and was reminding me of what I'd promised myself I'd do this time next year. I didn't think I'd ever be the marrying kind – honestly I don't think I ever will be, but with Eesh… I dunno. I wanted her to at least know I'd thought about it. Maybe it was better I hadn't – I'd been poisonous enough for her as it was.
I didn't have to look when I heard the footsteps behind me, I knew who it was. The Boss stopped next to me, a hand on the back of my shoulder comfortingly. Her comforting me, huh?
"Sick of people asking how you're doing?" I asked, looking down at her. I hoped for a moment I saw a smile but of course, there was nothing there. She hadn't even hinted at a smile since that day she was drugged by the Samedi.
"You know me too well," she said, hand slipping off my shoulder and she leant against me a little. I could see her looking towards the angel and followed her gaze.
"Wanna go for a drive?" I offered. It's what she used to do with me whenever I was feeling down. We'd maybe hit the jumps or just blast music or whatever. I stupidly made an attempt at humour, "Dack me and lock me on the helipad again? Not your most creative course of revenge, I might add."
The best reaction I got for that was her shifting her weight from one foot to the other, "… Can't. The wake is back at the downtown loft and-"
"Boss, you don't have to go if you don't want to." I said quickly and she looked to the ground.
"Yes. I do. It's my job." She said and it was in that fuckin empty tone again. I wanted to grab her and shake her by the shoulders, I'd rather have her screaming or crying or breaking things – hell, I'd even take her smacking me across the face like she did the morning of Eesh's funeral but this shit… it was like she wasn't even there.
I slung an arm over her shoulder but she might as well have been the marble angel we were staring at. I kept thinking that some good old fashioned destruction was all she needed but that hadn't helped. What would Eesh have done? Well, not take her out blowing up trucks, that's for sure… then I blinked. What would Carlos have done? That really got me thinking… I mean, I didn't play guitar like some fuckin' college stud but… a new idea began to stir at the back of my thick skull.
"So we make a cameo." I offered, and she nodded. A moment later we turned together and began walking back over the grass and in a moment of freaky unison, both snorted, hocked and spat on the patch of earth that cock-sucker Shogo was buried under.
I woke up abruptly at five am and knew I wouldn't be going back to sleep. I cringed when I realised what day it was…
November sixteen could go suck a cock.
I swung my legs over the side of my bed and with a tired grunt got up. At least this would warrant beer for breakfast. I dragged myself out of the room I crashed in and into the large, empty foyer of the hideout, jumping up over the bar and hunting around in the fridge for a brew. I was unsurprised at the voice that suddenly echoed through the hall from upstairs.
"Johnny, if that's you could you grab me one too?" the Boss called out – not unusual. She never really slept nowadays. I had to chuckle at her unique little sixth sense though, remembering when she'd pulled the same stunt with Shaundi when she was high and the girl wound up having a huge freak out. I snagged a second brew and twisted the caps off, clambering back over the bar and headed for the steps. Like I expected, she was in her office, curled up on the low couch and staring at the TV, her fingers toying with the pendant around her neck, the one Carlos had given her. Only now there was something else added to the chain and I narrowed my eyes to try and make it out – it looked like a ring. She still wasn't looking a hundred percent; kinda thin, y'know? Dark circles under her eyes too. I noticed a large crate stashed in the corner but then, there was often lots of weird shit in her office. The Boss forced herself to smile when she saw me – it looked like a lot of effort.
"Took your time. Or is that knee giving you trouble, old man?" she joked.
"Fuck you Boss," I said, but couldn't help smiling with relief. She was trying to joke, this was a good sign. I handed her the brew and dropped down on the sofa next to her, and she lifted the bottle in a salute before drinking.
"To the birthday boy," she said, and I cringed, taking a swig from the bottle.
"Don't remind me."
"C'mon Johnny, you don't want your present?" she said. Admittedly that got my attention and I looked to her with raised eyebrows. She reached behind the sofa arm and produced an old crowbar, handing it to me.
"… A crowbar. You shouldn't have," I said dryly and she nudged me with her foot.
"If I can afford to get an elevator installed in this place, I think I can get you something better than a crowbar." She said, then nodded over to the crate in the corner. I blinked, then gave a wry smile, setting my beer down and getting to my feet.
"Ah, the plot thickens," I said, walking to the crate and feeling my curiosity growing. The Boss twisted where she sat to watch me make short work of the crate, pulling the boards apart.
"I don't know how practical it is," she was saying, "Just… something for a bit of fun."
I yanked another side of the crate away and the wood clattered to the ground, spilling a large piece of packing foam and a fuel cylinder. I blinked, pushing the rest of the wood and packaging away, showing piece by piece a large gun with-
Oh holy shit.
I burst out laughing, "A fucking flamethrower?" I turned and looked back at the Boss, who was looking quite pleased, "Impractical my ass, this is fuckin fantastic! Well, y'know, insane but still… Where the fuck did you get this thing?"
"EBay." She said, deadpan enough to give away the joke. I shook my head and felt another laugh and I dropped the crowbar, unable to stop grinning. I admittedly thought it would be a new rifle or a stash of ammo but this… this was gonna be fun.
I walked back towards the sofa, arms out and she stood up on the cushions to welcome the hug. I wasn't a huggy person, but this sure as shit warranted one.
"Thanks Boss. It's seriously the coolest thing I ever got." I laughed, holding her in close. Her arms were tight around my neck.
"Happy birthday Johnny," she said softly, her chin resting on my shoulder and I pulled her in tighter. It wasn't just the gift, it was relief. She was exerting herself for me, looking like she was getting back to normal.
We eventually pulled out of the hug and she sat herself on the back of the couch, feet still up on the cushions. I just grinned and looked back over at the freakin' flamethrower I was now the proud owner of.
"Sorry to ask, I mean, I should know this, but does this make you twenty eight or nine?" she asked, tilting her heard. Anyone else and I might have glared at them, but with the girl I could only give a wry grin.
"Eight," I said, glancing to the TV at the quiet voices coming from the speakers. Ah crap, Bobby and Amber. How or why she watched this shit I had no idea. Must be insanity brought on by insomnia.
She nodded then shrugged, "Eh. You ain't that old."
"Hey Boss, I got you something too," I said, holding out a hand which she took and helped her up. I was going to show her later today when I had everything together, but if she couldn't sleep she may as well be doing anything other than watching Bobby and Fucking Amber.
"Why? 'Snot my birthday for over a month," she said and I grinned; ha-ha, she slipped up there!
"So… late December early January huh?" I glanced over to her. I knew nothing about the Boss' life before I met her (aside from her having a waitressing job at fourteen and one cock-sucking ass-faced bastard of a dead boyfriend) and she was always so damn careful about not letting anything slip. She scowled at me, stuck her hands in her pockets and wouldn't answer. I just kept smiling and lead the way down the stairs towards the range and she trotted along beside me.
"Christmas baby then? New years?"
"Leave it alone Johnny," she said tiredly, "Shaundi's already planning you a party, there's no way I'm letting her know I even have a birthday. For all anyone knows, I appeared from the ephemeral over the course of several months."
"I'm gonna pretend to know what you meant there," I said, hoping for a chuckle. No luck. We went through the Range, one of the few times of the day when it was silent, and out into another section of the courtyard. I felt my chin lift a little and turned to her, smiling.
"Okay," I said, indicating to the long brick wall down the side that the boys had painted white.
"… A wall. You shouldn't have," She mimicked me with an eyebrow raised. Smartass.
"Yo shutup, it ain't just the wall." I walked towards it, a pile of random, half-filled paint tins and spray cans stacked by a pylon. I was going to pick more up later that day but for now, it'd have to do, "You gonna paint me something."
She didn't say anything as she stepped up to stand next to me, looking from me to the paints to the wall.
"… I am, am I?" she asked, but didn't sound annoyed. She took a few more steps towards the wall and tilted her head. I stuck my hands in my pockets.
"Yeah well… you ain't been paintin' much lately. Time was you'd be out every weekend taggin' some shit so… Thought you might miss it."
She looked over her shoulder to me, she had a weird expression over her eyes that for some reason I couldn't quite read.
"You want anything specific?" she asked. I shrugged, taking a few steps towards her.
"You sketched anything good lately?" I teased. Then, thankfully, I saw her smile. For the briefest second. Thank fuck, she managed to smile.
"So I paint whatever I want?"
"Whatever you need to Boss." I said, patting a hand on her shoulder. She quickly put her hand over mine but didn't say anything.
I felt myself smile. Good move, Johnny.
The girl stayed there most of the day – I was in and out, sometimes with beer or pizza but mostly she just wanted to be alone. Eh, I guess it was an artist thing. In fact she was sketching till about midday before she actually started painting. I went out with Pierce and some of his boys to shoot some pool, then had a quick talk to Shaundi about what she was planning that night. We agreed low key, so by Shaundi's standards, I could probably expect a three day bender. In fact, the only time the Boss left the dungeon was to see me test-driving the freaking awesome flamethrower in the parking lot.
That bitch could spit fire thirty fucking feet and had a whole dumpster blazing in under two seconds. Could imagine sticking it on the back of a truck and tearing through the Brotherhood territory setting every one of those motherfuckers alight…
It was about four in the afternoon before I made my way back down. The progress in those few hours was amazing; it was only about a third of the wall that was coloured, most of it still plain and white. But the Stilwater skyline stretched across it, partially coloured in with grey and orange and purple making it look like a sunset, painted over it were the outlines of cars and guns and… eyeballs? I wasn't sure. But dominating the space she had painted was three figures. I recognised them, even though they were only half filled in. The three people, standing together. Lin. Eesh. Carlos.
I looked around and didn't see the Boss right away – for a moment I thought she might have left but I saw a sudden shift against the wall; she was curled up in the shadow, and her shoulders were shaking –
I ain't ever seen the Boss cry before. Once or twice, I think she almost did, after Lin and after Eesh… but never actually seen tears in her eyes. I wasn't sure if I should interrupt her but I was walking over before I could stop myself. She was sitting up with arms wrapped around her knees and her head leant forward, her face hidden by a lock of hair that gotten out of the bun she'd twisted up the back of her head and stuck with a paint brush. Her shoulders shook hard with silent sobs and I crouched down, about to put a hand on her shoulder.
Then her head snapped up and she sighed, scowling, then gave me a hopeless look with those baby-blues of hers. No tears. Not even a glisten. She waved a hand to indicate to her dry cheeks.
"Nuthin." She said, then slouched back against the wall, her legs stretching out. I don't know if I was relieved or not that she wasn't crying but it was pretty funny actually to see her trying so hard. I slouched down on the ground next to her, and we both looked back up to her painting.
The bodies were rough and splattered, incomplete at the moment, but the faces were… I mean I knew she could paint, but this was getting freaky.
Lin's dark eyes bore threateningly into mine, the same bitchy coldness I remembered from my old friend. And Carlos… he didn't look dangerous, but it was unnerving actually, the way his huge brown eyes watched us.
But Aisha's portrait looked back with a softness the others lacked. The Boss had painted her like she looked years ago, at the height of her career, the long hair over her shoulders, before she'd cut it all off to make it easier to throw on wigs and shit to come see me in jail. It was really something…
"Yo, you missed a spot." I said lightly, pointing to the wall. The Boss threw me a dry look, jolting her head and jabbing the end of the paintbrush that held her hair up onto my cheek. Something cold and wet stuck to my skin and I growled wiping the back of my hand over it, a smudge of purple paint stuck over my skin. Yuck.
"There. Got it." She said, and I had to smile, "How long've I been down here?" she said with a yawn. I checked the time on my phone.
"Officially? About eleven hours now."
"You're shittin me?" she said, looking to the mural and sounding disappointed, "Hoped to have gotten more done…"
"It looks fuckin brilliant Boss," I said, nodding in approval. She nodded, rubbing her hands together to wear off some of the paint and tried to hide another yawn.
"You comin to the loft?" I asked, nudging her hopefully. She pulled the paintbrush from her hair and tossed it away, doing that supermodel thing where they flick their hair down. She rested her head on my shoulder.
"F'the party? 'Course I am. Couple'a red bulls and I'm good to go," she said as she yawned, her eyes looking like they were about to slip closed. She was staring at the painting, and for a moment I saw something flash across her face. I frowned, watching her carefully. She cringed, and I realised she was trying to cry again. Poor girl – I personally would've gotten my tear ducts removed if it meant never having to worry about crying but here she was, trying to find some kind of release. I shifted and put my arm around her shoulder and tugged her in close, wondering if that would help but she just gave an angry sigh.
"Chrissakes…" she grumbled, "Johnny, am I dead inside?" she said, turning to look up at me grumpily. I had to chuckle.
"Yep." I said, and she gave me a weak thump on the chest, then shifted in closer, her head resting in the crook of my shoulder. Still, I didn't like her thinking like that and I tried to think of something sweet to say.
"… You're just hibernating." I said, nudging her, and her shoulders shrugged with a silent laugh. She yawned again, and I watched as her eyes slipped closed. After a while her breathing slowed and deepened.
"… Stop staring at me, I'm fine," she said suddenly and I blinked. Had I been staring?
"Sorry," I said, my gaze catching again on her necklace, the pendants sitting comfortably in the hollow at the base of her throat. I was right about the addition, it was a ring… a huge fucking diamond ring, actually. An engagement ring. I blinked at it. The fuck?
"Shit Boss," I said, reaching over to tug at the chain and look at the massive diamond, "what the hell's this?"
She blinked open her eyes sleepily and looked down at it. After a moment she lifted her gaze, but not her chin and looked up at me from beneath her lashes, a familiar dark smirk crawling over her mouth.
"Jessica's engagement ring." She said smilingly. I gave a short laugh and for some reason felt relieved, I don't know what I'd been thinking.
"Boss, there's twisted, and then there's you," I said with admiration. She was one hell of a woman. She plucked the pendant from my fingers, studying it for a moment before letting it drop back down onto her skin. Closing her eyes again, she rested back down onto me.
"Think I might get it melted down into a nicer pendant. Skull, maybe an ankh" She said sleepily, her body beginning to relax.
I nodded and let her rest. She needed sleep and should probably take it anywhere she could get it. I looked back up to her painting; she had talent, I'd give her that. We used to go out tagging together back in the day – and by tagging I mean she would paint and I would stand back and loudly point out the parts of the wall she'd missed till she'd turn around and start chasing me down and spray painting me. I felt my shoulders shrug with a silent laugh at the memory and she grumbled next to me, shifting to be more comfortable.
"… Johnny?" she mumbled. I glanced down at her.
"Yeah?"
"… thanks for the paints babe," she said with another yawn, "You were right, I did need this."
Touchdown. I was just relieved to know this had worked, at least a little. She fell quiet after that and I forced myself to remain still while she began to sleep. I looked up to the half-done mural – it looked like she'd been pretty pedantic with Lin and Eesh and Carlos, probably why she didn't get much else done…
I stared at the picture she'd done of Carlos and suddenly I felt pissed off. God dammit Carlos… you couldn't have stayed alive longer for her? Couldn't you see she was getting better? And now that was all shot to shit. I looked down at her – her eyes were closed, her brow smudged with a lick of grey paint and a thin piece of her hair was batted away every time she breathed out. I blinked and frowned…
Why Carlos? What was it about him that got through to her? I'd never seen her with a guy, I'd never seen her want to be with a guy but for some reason he was ok?
He'd kissed her… I looked at her and tried to picture it but the idea of someone kissing the Boss was fucking bizarre. The majority of the time I knew her I thought she was either gay or… pretty much asexual. It was useful actually, stopped me from ever looking at her in that way, you know, she wasn't an actually woman, she was just one of the guys. But since Carlos…
I didn't want to think on it but couldn't stop myself.
Carlos pulling her clothes off. Her kissing him back, her undressing him and putting her hands on him – I felt my teeth grit and forced my eyes away to the brick floor in front of me and scowled to get the thoughts away.
…Had she told him her name?
Why was I getting angry about this? I shouldn't be getting pissed off, I should have been happy for her.
But dammit, why Carlos? The Boss was way too much woman for him to handle I mean Christ! If she was going to be with anyone it should have been-
... ...Shit.
Shit. I looked back at her, curled up and asleep on me and… oh dammit. Don't go there Johnny; she doesn't need it, you don't need it, not now; don't do this to yourself…
She shifted next to me and made me suddenly aware of our… cuddled up position, and the places were her cool skin was touching mine-
Once I thought it I couldn't un-think it. The epiphany had stuck.
She should have been with me.
Fluff much?
