A/N There was originally only going to be just one more chapter to come after this, but the Doctor and Rose had other plans. ;) What was supposed to be a single chapter ended up more than doubling in length, so there will be two more chapters remaining after this.
The Doctor finally begins to put that gob of his to good use and makes a few overdue confessions...
Chapter 29
Rose drew in a shallow, shaky breath, turning away again so he wouldn't see the tears threatening to break free in her eyes as she fought against it, digging her fingernails into the skin of her palms as she clenched her hands. "So is this where we get a 'divorce,' then? Pretend it never happened? Go back to the way things were befo–"
She wasn't able to finish before the Doctor was speaking again, his words overtaking her own. She startled at the sound of his voice directly behind her, seeming to reach her in an instant.
His response was equal parts force and desperation, two words that could either be an apology or a plea. "We can't."
Rose pivoted on the spot, turning around towards him, now face-to-face. They were so close that she had to look up to see into his eyes properly, but he remained that close, not moving to put any distance between them. He wasn't backing away.
Rose swallowed. "W-we...can't?" she parroted, sounding as perplexed as she suddenly felt from this abrupt shift of the Doctor finally being direct about this. At least she hoped he was finally being direct. She drew in a galvanizing breath and rephrased the question so it was more pointed. A yes or no reply would not do. This issue had to have clarity. "We can't what...?"
The tension radiated off the Doctor's body as he stood stiffly. A large part of him feared confessing this, but it couldn't be avoided any longer. "We can't just...easily undo this. It's not that simple." Unless, of course, they changed the very history of Zobulan, the sobering thought passed through his mind. But he couldn't think too deeply into that just yet. One thing at a time. "Nothing about this is simple. Not now. Not now that I've..." His words drifted off as his eyes followed suit, his gaze shifting downward.
Rose reached out and placed her hand on his upper arm, drawing him back to the moment. His body reacted to her touch with a tremor she could feel passing through her own skin. His eyes darted back up to fix on hers as his lungs drew in a noticeably sharp breath. "Now that you've allowed yourself to...be with me? Now that we've made love?" she questioned, her voice soft, as if she were trying to calm a cornered animal. Now that he was actually beginning to talk about this, she didn't want push too far and make him shut down, but she needed him to continue and tell her the rest – finally tell her what he was feeling.
She could see the tense muscles in his jaw working, his dark eyes holding the weight of an apology. "Yes. But it's...it's more than that. Much more. For Time Lords, Rose, the physical aspect is only part of the intimacy. There is also a connection...here." He lifted his right hand and swept the pads of his fingers across her temple in a ghost of a touch.
Rose involuntarily shivered. He had not touched her since the night before, and she hadn't realized how much she craved it now, hadn't realized how strongly her body would react to the contact as a tremor pulsed down her spine. "I...I think I felt you there," she said on a whisper. "Almost like a...warm touch inside my mind. And even after. Even now. 'S like...I can feel something."
"I'm sorry," he said thickly, his eyes falling away from her as his hand did the same.
Rose reached out and captured his hand as it fell emptily through the space between them, seeking to reassure him. He was a Time Lord, and a few differences were certainly to be expected. She knew he had telepathic abilities, so if he had been able to touch her mind that didn't shock her, considering how deeply connected they had been in that moment intimacy. "Doctor, I wanted this. I wanted you. There's nothing about last night that I regret. I told you then that I–"
He shook his head, the words unable to be avoided and finally spilling out in a rush. "You don't understand, though. It's more than you even realize. So much more. I...I formed a link, Rose. I didn't intend to. I honestly didn't. But then I...I just couldn't stop it. I didn't know the drive would be that strong...that I would feel that...that need. It's been so long, Rose. So long since I've felt that with anyone, and I wanted to feel it again. I wanted to feel it...with you. To have that emptiness filled for even a moment. I wanted it so much. And then you told me that you...that you wanted me even after knowing the things I told you about myself, and then I just couldn't stop. It was like instinct, and it took over. I've never lost control like that. If we were on Gallifrey and I had done something like that without consent, I would have been..." He stopped then. The Doctor gave a short, bitter laugh, and paused before continuing more slowly, his gaze distant. "But that's just it. There is no Gallifrey anymore, and so I did this to you because of my own selfish need." His pained eyes sought hers. "But that was never my intention, and certainly not without your consent." His voice was low and solemn, his gaze penetrating as his eyes bored into hers. "I formed a bond between us, Rose."
At first she was silent, trying to understand just what this really meant.
Soon, Rose found that she wanted to smile, to not stop until it blossomed to a grin, feeling deliriously happy and telling him that she wanted to have a link or bond or whatever it was with him in any and every way. She had willingly opened her body to his and accepted him, and if he had also touched her mind to temporarily fill the void in his own she did not feel violated by that.
She was very quickly beginning to sense that it was more than a one-time incursion, though. There was an intensity in his eyes that frightened her just a little. Something told her this was as serious as the vows they had spoken.
"It's permanent, isn't it?" she slowly questioned, though it was more a statement of realization.
"Yes," he answered gravely. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorr–"
Rose held up her hand to quiet him as she closed her eyes tightly shut. There was heavy silence. The weight of that one word of confirmation began to sink in.
Rose's mind was still trying to grasp what this might really mean as she finally spoke again. "If we have some sort of...link between our minds, does that mean it's like you can just...read my thoughts. Like you're right there and can see everything, and..."
"No," he hastened to clarify, seeking to at least put that much at ease. "Humans have a certain amount of low-level telepathic abilities which made compatibility for the link possible in the first place, but it's not the same as it would be between Gallifreyans. We can't just read each other's thoughts. And even if you were Gallifreyan, my people possessed mental barriers so we wouldn't be aware of each other's every thought at every moment unless it was allowed. This is more just...like an awareness that you're there, at the edge of my consciousness. I can sense you. You said you could feel something, too. That's the bond."
Rose was so uncertain as to how she even felt about this. She was actually a little torn between a momentary feeling of slight disappointment that it couldn't be more for them as it had been between the Doctor's own people, yet highly relieved that it wasn't more intense or all-revealing. That would have been frightening. As it was, she was still trying to wrap her thoughts around this revelation and the word Permanent. Having this kind of bond was not something she had bargained on. But then, neither was anything that had happened between them recently.
The more Rose truly pondered it, the more she actually began to feel at ease with the prospect of it, surprising her own self with her acceptance of this. More than just feeling a sense of acceptance, this felt right – like they were always meant to have this deeper connection. Even if her hand wasn't in his, they would still be together. Always. Even if they were separated by the universe itself, she felt in this moment like she would still hear his voice, calling her to him, where she belonged.
The Doctor's voice right now, however, sounded a little frantic as his words were spoken with speed, hoping to dispel the alarm he presumed she might feel over this revelation. "But I can block it as much as possible, Rose. To the point where you wouldn't even feel the faintness of it at all. I can't fully undo what's been done, but if I access the link within your own mind I can dampen it even further to a lesser degree than it is right now."
Rose brought her eyes back to his. She bit her lower lip as she pondered her reply. Rose knew what she wanted and fully realized the gravity of her words that came next. "I want this with you."
He stood silent, unanswering, and Rose felt her stomach drop to the floor. "But you don't want this, do you? It was a mistake. Something you never meant to happen. A 'heat of the moment' kind of thing, yeah?"
She pulled her hand from his and he let it fall the rest of the way down. The Doctor carefully considered his next words. A very large part of him felt like a weight had lifted in realizing she didn't hate him for this, yet the gravity of the situation kept him grounded. "It's not that a part of me doesn't...want it, Rose. But that doesn't mean it should have happened."
"Why?" she challenged, growing increasingly weary of him fighting this when every reason she could think of was weak at best. She loved him. That was all that mattered. She didn't have naïve, idyllic notions of a fairytale romance that their lives would now become, and things might not always flow smoothly. Cultural differences, she thought to herself with the barest trace of ironic humor. In the end, this might even break her heart. But some things were worth getting your heart broken for. They might face challenges taking their relationship to this level, but it was infinitely better than remaining apart.
The Doctor shifted uneasily on his feet as he sought to answer that single, loaded question. "Aside from the fact that I never should have let myself be so...so...impulsive and uncontrolled, I also just don't get in these kinds of relationships. I've never crossed that line with the people I travel with because it can get complicated. So very complicated. And there are so many other things, Rose. Things I just can't ever give you that a normal human male could. Things you deserve. A secure life. A family. Just seeing Zerin and Shadarra and the child they were able to have together reminds me of the things you could never have with me. Like I said before, not every species' genetic incompatibility can be overcome. Like mine. But some day you might want more. A normal life, and..."
"You think I want normal?" she asked, incredulous but with a trace of humor. "You think that's why I ran to the TARDIS when you mentioned 'it also travels in time?' Because I was looking for normal?"
As far as Rose was concerned, this changed nothing. She wasn't looking to settle down with kids and a mortgage when she promised him her forever. All she wanted was him, this daft alien who didn't realize all the things he could give her, if only he would allow himself to.
The Doctor lowered his eyes, and she just barely caught a glimpse of the vulnerability within them as well as in his words. "I don't want to lose what we've had. You mean far too much to me for that."
"Doctor, look at me," she said, a gentle command. Slowly and reluctantly, he complied. His timeless eyes held a shadow of danger and darkness, but she didn't shrink back from it. She knew this of him too, and had accepted all that he was. "This isn't losing what we've had. This is gaining even more."
She processed his weighted silence. Rose felt her own questions and uncertainties inevitably creep back in as she questioned further, trying to fully understand him. "Or is this more than you ever wanted with me because...you just don't feel that strongly? I mean...in that way?" she asked, still feeling like she was left groping to try and understand just how he truly felt in all this. At least a part of him had clearly wanted this with her at the time this line had first been crossed if his passionate fervor had been any indication. Did he still want it now, she was left to wonder.
The Doctor took a step back and raked an anxious hand through his hair. "I've not done any of this right, I know. But I thought you at least knew–" He stopped and sucked in a breath. When he spoke again there was a fierceness in his tone that made her inwardly and outwardly shudder. "You think I haven't told you how I feel, but I have, Rose. It just wasn't said with human words. I said it in a way that means so much more to me, and in the way I couldn't prevent myself from saying." He paused then, his voice nearly shaking. "But I gave more than just my feelings, Rose. I gave you myself. I gave you..." He swallowed thickly. "I gave you my name. The moment we bonded."
At that, Rose was stunned into total silence. But then she realized she had known this, so very deep within. She had felt those haunting, ancient, lyrical words breathed into her soul. "The song," she whispered. "That's the song I've been hearing in my mind...ever since..."
"Yes," he answered with intensity.
Rose wasn't even sure exactly how to respond. She had been questioning how much of himself he had given, when in reality he had given so much more to her than any other living being ever had or ever could. She just hadn't understood. Rose stumbled with her words in reply. "It's just that...last night was so...I don't even know how to describe it. I've never felt anything like that before. And then today I just didn't know what to make of how you were really feeling after waking up alone...and then you seemed..."
He dipped his head. "I'm sorry. I know I haven't exactly done...any of this right, Rose. I was just...afraid, I suppose. Of everything. Afraid of what I'd done – how far I'd gone. And afraid of how you would feel when I told you."
"And so you ran from it," she said, not in accusation but in fact. "But Doctor, all you had to do was talk to me. To open up and..."
"You see," he said back tensely. "That's what I mean about all this. Changes. You'll expect things from me. Expect me to give and to be more than I can, and what I give might never be enough. I can't promise that I'm always going to be some...some open book. That's just not who I am."
"I don't expect you to change who you are," she countered. "I don't expect you to bare your soul on a daily basis. I'm just asking that you let me in sometimes, to talk to me about the things that really matter, and don't bury everything."
His features relaxed. He didn't commit but he didn't refuse. Rose figured she would take what she could. She also decided they'd gone 'round and 'round with this long enough. They were either going to be fully together or firmly on either side of that dividing line. But she knew enough of the intensity between them to know there could never be a middle ground. Not for them.
"Alright. Just please answer me this, Doctor," Rose said with as much strength as she could muster considering this entire situation was turning her insides to jelly. "Complications and...and rules aside – because we've already complicated things and we've already completely shattered the rules. Do you want this? Do you want me?" Rose moved one step closer to him until there was almost no space left between them. "Do you want this with me?"
Rose wasn't sure if she was hearing his own hearts pounding in his chest or if that was the blood rushing in her ears. His eyes were locked on hers, and for a moment he seemed immobilized.
When the Doctor finally spoke, his voice was thick and husky and low, and Rose nearly whimpered at the intensity of his single reply.
"Desperately."
For a moment, neither seemed able to even move.
A flash of relief pulsed through the Doctor's entire being just in acknowledging this one truth, but at the same time his own relentless feelings of doubt occupied the space that earlier had been filled with fear over her reaction. Rose seemed able to accept this monumental change between them, but could he? Could he have this kind of relationship with her and not continue to muck things up? Was he capable of getting this right, considering the substantial baggage that inevitably came into such a relationship along with him?
He didn't know, but he was rapidly becoming more and more willing to try with each second that passed. Aside from his list of uncertainties, several things had always been certain when it came to Rose. He wanted her by his side. He needed her hand in his. And even more than this, there was one emotion he held for Rose that could no longer be denied.
The Doctor moved in closer towards her then, the only direction he seemed capable of moving in spite of himself.
His hand lifted to her face, hovered for a fraction of a second, then settled there as her eyes fell shut and his quiet, somber words caressed her skin, even as his physical touch did the same.
"I can't promise that I'll get this right...," he whispered in confession. Magnetized, unable to adhere to distance at this proximity, his head dipped lower and his face was so close to hers that she felt his breath across her skin. His soft, cool lips skimmed her cheek, then found her jaw as they both shuddered, the touch igniting the fire in them both. They couldn't live without this anymore and keep their sanity. They couldn't fight it or deny it. They never could have, really, even without the bond now between them.
"I can't promise I won't muck things up between us or be the man you need me to be...," he continued, his voice a low rumble. The fingers of his left hand ghosted up her neck and settled on the other cheek as he framed her face in his hands. Rose opened her eyes and fell into his. His eyes were stripped bare, dark and boundless, filled with passion, desire and, for the first time without a shield to mask the emotion, all-consuming love. "But I'm willing to try this if you are. I'm willing to try because...because I..." A strangled sound rose in his throat as these words fought their way to final freedom. "Because, Rassilon help me, I love you. I love you, Rose Tyler. And if you said no at this point, I don't think I could ever just–"
Rose decided the best way to answer and silence his mouth was with her own. This, as it turned out, was a quite effective form of communication.
She pressed forward and caught his parted lips with hers. Rose felt, rather than heard, his sob of release as his entire body shuddered and the tension unfurled, like the opening of frosty petals unwrapping to greet the warmth of the sun. First it was just a press of yearning mouths, then the slide of seeking lips, then it deepened and consumed them both as his arms enveloped her and crushed her body to his. It was ravenous and devouring and they couldn't get close enough as hands clutched and scrabbled, almost as if they sought to become one being. Or rather, confirm that they already were.
The first time they had allowed themselves to give in to the aching need and raw desire between them both, they had plunged forward, not allowing second thoughts to catch up, overtake and stop them.
This time it was going to be different.
This time it was being weighed and decided.
This time it was going to be deliberate.
