AN: this is not beta'd and it is mostly to make me laugh, which it did...so yeah... :D
CheezeNCrackers: A Crack-fic of epic Crackness
The moral of the story is don't write crack fiction.
Hello My name is Kagome and I am sixteen years old going on 18, er 17, yeah… We've been chasing the spider hanyou Naraku for a long time now, and I'm just a bit thrown off. You see I'm sad that I'll miss my birthday at home with my family, but kinda upset that the last time I was home, the woman I thought was my mother told me that she found me in the well years before as a child. She and her husband raised me as their own, and in reality I'm an inu-miko-pixie-neko-angel-devil-goddess. it's a lot to take in really. I'm still not sure how mom even knew all this, and had she not been sober I would have said she was a drunkard and called Jiji on her.
Sadly my 'mother' never lied about anything, being the wholesome virginal 40 year old with one too many dirty dishes to wash, really the woman was always in the kitchen washing that same damn dish. Sighing to myself I thought about how angry I was that I was missing my birthday at home with the people I called family. But I would be changing into my true form soon, no longer would I be a human but I'd be an inu-miko-pixie-neko-angel-devil-goddess. I was excited to think that I'd be able to meet my really family soon, you see not only was I found in a well but my real family actually lives here in this era! Fucking shocker, I know. Anyway…back to my anger…oh? Did I say I was angry, I don't think I did, well I am!
I kinda wanted to spend my birthday in the future, I never got to go there anymore because of Inuyasha's evil ways, always making me stay against my will, trying to cover the well with a boulder, really you'd think Kitten ears would just chill out I actually like my family. Freaking tyrant hanyou. Sometimes I wonder what he'd do if I simply said I refused to look for the shards. And sometimes I find myself wondering if his mother dropped him on his head when he was younger, and sometimes when I'm really sleepy or angry at him, I wondered what he'd look like in a red Lolita outfit. He really wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, and had I been thinking correctly when this whole thing started I would have given the sword to the to his brother at least he took baths. UGH, can you even imagine what it smells like riding on Inuyasha's back? You really don't want to know.
All that being said I had wanted to go home, but Inuyasha of coarse wouldn't let me, so I was stuck here in this time for my change. It was unnerving knowing that soon I wouldn't be as I had always been before hand. I liked what I looked like. O well all things change I guess. I decided that I would do my change alone, no need freaking my group out, so that night I threatened Inuyasha with so many sits his head would look like his mother had a contraction on him if he didn't let me have my bath to myself. Sango didn't want to go thankfully, but man did she ever need to really, I swear she'd be so wonderful if she just took more baths! And she wonders why Miroku won't put out. What's with the people of this era anyway, its like their afraid they'll get boiled to death or something. Anyway.
I ended up at the hot springs and I didn't notice that I wasn't alone, really who doesn't see these things I'm like a walking magnet for trouble. There in the hot springs with me was Sesshomaru, Kouga, and Naraku! I was one big freaking hot springs, let me tell you, and just when I noticed, that they noticed me, noticing them, the change happened. I was covered in golden-silvery-pinkish-white-bluish-purply light thingy when I suddenly turned into an inu-miko-pixie-neko-angel-devil-goddess! My hair grew until I was stepping on it, which was black-blue-green-pink-white-golden-silvery streaks, I had pointed ears, and pink-white-black wings from my back, a golden halo around my head, with a purply Midoriko star on my forehead, and a pink crescent moon on my brow.
I had pinkish-greeny-black striped claws, and twelve strips on my cheeks, hips, ankles, arms, sides, thighs, …I looked like a freaking techno-colored tiger actually. Not to mention the three mokomokosama's I had, thankfully all in black with blue-green-pink-white-golden-silvery streaks in them, sweat dropping at the change I didn't notice that my b0obs were HUGH! Or that I had a J-lo booty until Kouga pounce on me, making me notice my Pam Anderson flotation devices, and then Naraku glomped us causing all three of us to sink into the hot springs where I actually bumped into them both with my suddenly there booty. I nearly drowned 'til Inuyasha came and saved me! But then He Naraku and Kouga all started fighting over me, when Kikyo came by wanting her soul, I flipped her off, but she didn't get it. They were arguing over who got me, Kouga, Naraku, Inuyasha, and Kikyo when as acid green whip came by and decapitated them all.
The jewel fell out of Naraku's dead chest, and I got the rest of my soul back! I was so freaking happy not to deal with any of them that I told Sesshomaru I'd do anything for him! I should have thought about it because suddenly he had be bridal style with a wicked Miroku type grin on his face and a certain gleam in his eyes telling me he needed a mate, and heir and that he'd always loved me. He made hot inu-miko-pixie-imp-neko-angel-devil-goddess-love to me that night I was pregnant with like 6 kids, and while it happened he got his arm back some how…not really sure about that but I nearly got stabbed with a sword he called Bakusaiga when it happened.
Then Totosai showed up and didn't even let us get dressed or out of bed when he was all like 'Let me see the sword.' it was totally weird, and then Rin came in followed by Jaken, and then I remembered my friends, and we had to get back and got get Shippo, who's like my brother like son, and when we finally did get there, we had to break up a make out session with Sango and Miroku, horny teenagers these days… going back to the conversation I was having with Sesshomaru before we got interrupted in bed, I told him that was great and all but I had to go home every now and then for some tests. He said 'that was fine so long as I took care of Rin and Shippo, put out when he wanted because he had a very healthy libido,' hey! I could handle having a hot husband for the rest of my life. And we lived happily ever after.
The end.
Again the moral of the story is:
Don't write crack fiction. O_o or the plot bunnies will get you!
