Oops! Forgot an Author's Note...
Hello all! I am so sorry for the lateness this year. I got another role in a production and we had exams and other performance stuff and just a whole lot of tiredness.
But here it is :) And the next chapter is halfway through so I really hope I can get this out to you soon!
Thanks to everyone has reviewed and stayed with me!
I'm so sorry I haven't done a lot of replies or posting but I really do appreciate it when you remind me that I have to get this done!
So thank you again! And again! And ten thousand more times!
And I really hope you review and enjoy this next one!
"Why haven't you signed this?" I demanded, ignoring Edward's surprise as he stood in the doorway. He was in jeans and a dark green shirt, making him look mature and important. Just like the new principal dancer of the Royal Ballet should look. I couldn't even begin to comprehend it. This was…beyond imagining.
Edward looked at the contract in my hands, and sighed, flicking on the light and shutting the door.
"Edward," I said. "This is the opportunity of – "
"Of a lifetime," he nodded. "I know." He pushed his hands into his pockets and walked towards me, "Why are you here, Bella? You should be resting." He frowned as he got a metre away from me, "Are you…drunk?"
It was at that moment that my stomach gave a big lurch. "Oh God!" I gasped and ran out the door, my hand clasped tight over my mouth until I burst into the nearest bathroom – the boys one – and threw up into the sink.
"Bella!" Edward exclaimed.
"Shit," I moaned.
Gently, he scooped my hair up, keeping it off my face as I let out everything I'd consumed in the last few hours. "Oh Bella," he murmured, rubbing my back.
I don't know what was wrong with me. His words, his familiar, warm hands, this ridiculous situation…the tears flooded my eyes before I even had chance to think. I grasped the sides of the sink and just cried. Sobbed like I was five years old. And then Edward was pulling me into his arms, holding me tight against him as I soaked his shirt.
"I'm so nervous," I whispered. "Edward, I'm so scared."
"You will be fine," he said softly, pulling me tighter. For the first time in a very long time, I felt secure. His arms held me to the earth, kept me from breaking into a million pieces. I knew it shouldn't have been with Edward – I did know that. But I also knew that I could not pull away or I would not be able to bear a single minute more of this weight I had only just realized I was carrying.
And yet he did not need to say a thing to alleviate it. He understood my fears, just like he always had. He just held me. He let me escape into the darkness of his chest and cry and cry and cry until there were no more tears to fall. I cried for a mess of reasons, one indistinguishable from the next. But it was like a dam had been broken – a build up of pain and fear and stress that I had been carefully keeping back. Every suppressed thought slipped out onto my cheeks, into Edward's shirt. The fear that I would muck up tomorrow tonight and every long, painful hour of rehearsal would be for nothing. The pain that I had felt when I'd turned my back on Alice and my friends forever. Rosalie's words…the shame they had really brought upon me. The strain of hour after hour of rehearsal. The fear that I would let Jacob down. Carlisle's cutting disappointment in me.
And the thought for the first time that perhaps…perhaps I had done something wrong. Perhaps I had made a mistake.
"None of this was meant to happen," I whispered. I don't know how much time we had been standing there for. But that had always been the way around Edward. I pulled back, looking up into his eyes through blurred vision. "I wish it hadn't." The pain of this one, honest fact racked my voice.
Edward gazed down at me. I let myself see the pain in his eyes. The guilt. I had always know it was there…but I had denied it. Until now. And the depth of such…agony…made one final tear slip down my skin. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice shaky. He swallowed. His hands had loosened around me. I missed them. His eyes closed, pain creasing his forehead, "I'm sorry I caused this."
I said nothing…I just touched his arm. His eyes flickered open, watching me closely. Hesitantly, he raised his hand to my face, letting his thumb brush over that one tear. "But I have," he murmured, watching as he traced the length of my cheekbone. "And there is no way to undo what I have done."
"Everything has changed."
He nodded, his thumb continuing its pattern upon my cheek. My eyes flickered shut, letting myself revel in his silent, gentle…familiar touch.
We stood like that…accepting impossibility and yet letting it live for a single moment. As if somehow that would be enough.
And when that moment was over, Edward stepped back. I opened my eyes, swaying slightly.
He gave a subdued smile, "You should be in bed. Not loitering in the boys' bathroom of your enemy school."
I tried to return it, "Well Leah's drunken snoring can't be much worse."
"You need your rest, Bella," he told me, then hesitantly said, "You can stay here if you want. No one will disturb you."
I blinked. An escape from the Royals' house…just for one night… "But where will you sleep?"
He rubbed the stubble on his chin, "I don't sleep very much anymore."
He had tried to sound nonchalant but we both knew why…I wanted to ask if he'd had the nightmare's I'd had. If he was okay…but I also knew that if I went down that road again I wouldn't be able to leave here at all.
So I put on a teasing smile, "Hypocrite."
Edward smirked at me, "I am not playing Juliet tomorrow night."
I laughed and started toward the door, "I should hope not – "
Edward caught me just as my knees buckled. Swiftly, he pulled me up into his arms. I tried to ignore the thrum of excitement my heart gave. "No more drinking on an empty stomach, Miss Swan," he said as I wrapped my arms around his neck, not looking at him.
"It wasn't that bad," I defended as he carried me out into the corridor.
He just gave me a look.
"Everyone else was!" I exclaimed.
"Was Jacob?" he enquired.
"Well…"
He laughed, kicking his bedroom door open, "I think I win."
He laid me down on his bed, his scent surrounding me completely. With a gentleness I hadn't experienced in a long time, he pulled the covers up over me, stroking back a piece of hair from my forehead. I watched him, his eyes looking at me with such care, my mind trying to remember every action so that they would not be lost to me forever…even after this night was over.
"I'll be back," he murmured, touching my cheek once more.
I watched him walk out the door, listening to his footsteps as he went down the corridor.
The contract lay on the floor where I'd dropped it. Prince Siegfried…the lead male of Swan Lake. Not only a challenging role, but one of the most loved ballets of all time with one of the World's top ballet companies. The Royal Ballet was better than the US Ballet. It was better than any company in America, really. The Kirov, the Paris Opera Ballet and the Royal Ballet – the three best companies the world has to offer. Edward was still a teenager – this was unheard of. To be offered a lead in their season's major ballet was beyond imagining. This would ensure him a fantastic, famous career. It would also take him far away from me. Out of America itself. There was a strong possibility that I might not see him for a very, very long time. Or not at all. He would just be on the cover of magazines and on the news and spoken about like a legend throughout the ballet world. But Edward would be gone.
He came back in holding a glass of water and some Tylenol.
"You never answered my question," I said as he paused in the doorway. I gestured to the contract, "Why haven't you signed it?"
He hesitated, then came to sit on the edge of the bed, "I just haven't got round to it yet. Drink," he handed me the glass of water.
I dutifully took it, but asked, "That's what you've been rehearsing, isn't it?"
He gave me the pills, "Yes."
I smiled, "Jacob was so worried about it."
"I bet he was," Edward murmured. He looked at me, "Will you tell him?"
It wasn't an anxious question, but I still hesitated, "I don't really see the point. He'll just worry…"
"Or try and stop it," Edward said, speaking my thought. He nodded at my expression, "I know he's already been trying to find out."
I sighed, "He doesn't need to. He got lead – I keep trying to tell him that. Why won't he just listen?"
Edward paused for a moment, then took my empty glass. "You should be asleep."
I frowned, but knew it was probably a good idea. He set the glass down on the desk as I slid back down into the bed. He sat back down, his hand almost going to rest on my hip, but then he seemed to think better of it and put it back in his own lap. Sadness panged in my chest.
"Thank you," I said quietly. "For taking care of me."
He smiled, "You won't be thanking me when you wake up." He hesitated, that crease appearing on his forehead again, "Why were you here anyway?"
I blinked. That. I swallowed and pulled the comforter up to my chin, "It doesn't matter. Just…being drunk, I guess."
Edward didn't buy it – of course he didn't. He was always good at seeing through my façade. But he didn't press me, just stood up and flicked off the desk lamp.
"Sleep well, Bella." He began to walk toward the door.
I couldn't bear it.
"Edward?" I said quietly, my mouth running off without my mind. He turned around, backlit by the light from the corridor. "Do you – " what was I doing? "Do you remember the night before exams?"
He looked at me, cautiously checking my expression.
"I just…" I swallowed, my throat constricting. "I just…well…I'm so nervous…" I couldn't say what I needed to say. Until it came to me, in a shaky, whispered voice. "I need you."
He shut his eyes with those three words, letting out a breath.
"Please," I was almost begging. "For one night."
Silently, Edward shut the door and walked to the bed, kicking off his shoes. My heart thudded. I moved over as he slipped under the covers. It was only natural, then, for him to wrap his arm around my waist, our bodies flush against each other, fitting completely. So warm…so perfect…so right. I curled my hand around his forearm and let the rise and fall of his chest, his breath on the nape of my neck…and the knowledge that he was here – that I wasn't lost – lull me to sleep.
Just like the night before his father had burst into my exam. Before he found out I was going to Aro's. Before our world fell apart. There was just the two of us, together in utter, beautiful perfection.
\*\*/*/
I woke to sunlight streaming through the windows, warming my face. It felt good after so many mornings of –
"Shit!" I yelled, sitting right up and then slamming a hand into my forehead as the pain ripped through my brain. "Hell…"
"Good morning to you, too."
Edward, fortunately for him, was no longer lying next to me as he had been for most of the night, but sitting at his desk, smiling at me patronizingly with a pencil in his hand.
"I'm late," I muttered, standing up and watching the room sway viciously.
"Bella," Edward said in his 'reasonable' voice, putting his hand on my shoulder to steady me.
"Get off me," I snapped, pushing his hand away. I pretended not to see the hurt in his eyes. Or how quickly it was replaced by a look of tired expectancy. "Why didn't you wake me up earlier?" I demanded, pushing my feet into my shoes, grudgingly gripping his bedside table for support.
"You need your sleep, Bella," he sighed, leaning back against his desk, watching my frenzy.
"That is none of your freaking business!" I exclaimed, wrenching my hair tie out from my tangled bun. "What time is it?"
"Ten to nine," Edward replied nonchalantly. "You have plenty of time to eat and get ready before class."
"No I don't!" I shouted, giving up on trying to fix my hair and just pushing it up into another bun. "I've missed my rehearsal!" I tugged my zipper up. "Shit! Shit, shit, shit!"
"Bella!" He stepped in front of me, taking me by the shoulders, and giving me a hard stare, "Calm down. It's all going to be fine."
He almost got me. He almost turned me back into the ridiculous, pathetic girl from last night. But I was no longer under the influence of the Royal Stash and I had already broken enough of my own rules. "Don't tell Jacob," I muttered and pushed past him and out into the corridor.
"Bella, please," he pleaded, but knew well enough not to continue.
I stormed down the corridor, almost running into Emmett, dressed only in a towel around his waist.
"Bella?" he exclaimed, almost dropping the towel in surprise.
I just kept going, ignoring Emmett dumbly asking Edward when on earth I'd come in.
I just spent the night with Edward, I thought as I hurried down the pavement and through the Royal's garden gate. Oh God…
"Shit," I muttered again, realizing I'd left my card, and banged on the door until someone opened.
"Woah!" Gerry exclaimed, staring at me as I rushed in and up the stairs.
I spent the night with him…I spent the night with the guy I'm meant to hate…
"Bella, finally!" Danny said, stepping out of her bedroom as I reached the landing, clutching a curling iron. "Jacob was – "
I cut her off by slamming my door behind me. Thankfully, Leah and Bridget were in the shower or whatever.
I slept with him.
I couldn't stop thinking it as I shakily pushed my shoes off and pulled off my socks.
I cried in his arms…
Him! Edward!
I fiddled with the button of my jeans, my stupid headache making everything that much harder.
And then I noticed the glinting. The wink of those tiny sapphires. Edward's ring was on my pinkie finger and I had no idea how it had gotten there…I had been holding it on the walk to his house last night. And then I'd found the contract. It must have just been habit to have slipped it onto my finger.
I stared at it, sitting as a perfect fit below my knuckle. So delicate…beautiful.
"Just a part of me to always be with you."
"Bella." Jacob pushed open the door without even bothering to knock. With a jolt, I pulled the ring from my finger and pushed it deep into my sweater pocket.
"Hey," I said, swallowing. His eyes stared me up and down, taking in my chaotic state.
"Where the hell have you been?" he demanded, putting his hands on his hips. He was dressed and already there were sweat marks on his t-shirt from his – our – morning rehearsal.
My cheeks burned in shame. What had I done?
Jacob huffed and took a step closer, "You didn't come back last night, Bella. You went to Edward and you didn't come back." His gaze burned me. It was as if he could see every spot where Edward's skin had touched my own. "You look different. What did you do?"
"Jacob," I whispered, suddenly feeling very, very uncertain. Almost…vulnerable. I took a breath, "Look, Jacob, I was drunk and I was – "
"She was with me."
We both turned. Alice stood in the doorway, a business-like look on her face. She was, of course, dressed in one of her eccentric outfits. This time, it was a white lace leotard which seemed to creep up her neck like ivy, making her look like a Victorian lady. Her tights were nude, letting thigh high white legwarmers finish off the look. She was a saint.
Literally.
"What?" Jacob said, turning to look at me.
Alice held out my key card, giving me a hard look behind Jacob's back. "You forgot this."
"Right," I said quickly, taking it. Edward must have given it to her…
"I thought you were going to Edward," Jacob muttered, as if Alice couldn't hear us.
"She was," Alice said, giving Jacob a charming smile. "But she ran into me and I, unlike you, actually cared that she was running around completely trashed."
"Bella can take care of herself," Jacob snapped.
Alice scoffed, "She used to be able to but you know you took that away from her."
"Hey!" Apparently saints could be bitches… "I'm not a kid."
She rolled her eyes and continued, "I cleaned her up and gave her the rest that she needs." That was definitely Edward talking…Alice clapped her hands together, "And now I'm going."
"Good idea," Jacob said.
She looked at him coolly, "Then I guess it's mutually beneficial." And then she walked out of my room, leaving me and my enraged boyfriend alone.
"I'm sorry," I said to Jacob. "I didn't mean to get sick." That, at least, was true.
\*\*/*/
I went without breakfast to partially make up for missing our five AM rehearsal. We went straight to the theatre, hoping to be able to steal some time on the stage before class began. But for the first time, we weren't the first to be rehearsing – everyone else had turned up early, as well. They were all busy chattering and practising, taking up every available spot on the stage. Practise tutus floated around, partners went through their lifts, girls doused their shoes in rosin just like violinists and their violins – we could slip as easily on this stage as a bow across strings. I put that image out of my head, though. It made me feel sick.
I didn't feel nervous, exactly; I just felt so tense I was practically shaking. But I wouldn't let myself show it, not when Jacob was so calm. Besides, I couldn't let my ridiculous outbreak of nerves at Edward's last night be real. I had been drunk – that was my justification of everything that had happened. If I hadn't been drunk, I would never have gone to the Force house. I would never have let him put his hands on me or comfort me or sleep with me. I had spent the night with him…I had asked him to sleep with me…
It made me even tenser as we walked down the aisle, between the seats which would tonight be full of people, all watching me. Judging me.
"Why is Edward staring at you like that?" Jacob asked me, breaking me out of my thoughts.
I jerked me head up, immediately finding Edward near the front of the stage with Joseph, helping him with his second position. He was in his navy blue v-neck, which exposed his toned, strong arms – arms that had gently but so firmly held me together last night…
But as Edward answered Joseph's questions and altered his turn out, he was staring at me. It was hard to read his expression. I glared at him, telling him not to bother even trying to recreate last night's 'connection', but he didn't seem to care. It was almost as if he was looking at someone else. The old Bella. As if she still existed.
"I don't know," I snapped, looking away. "Why should I?"
Jacob glanced at me, "Did you get a chance to leave him his gift?"
I swallowed, going in front of him to walk up the stairs, hoping he wouldn't see my hesitation. "It's gone," I said quietly. "I must have dropped it on the way there."
Jacob smirked, "Maybe he's found it, then – he looks that unhappy."
"Can we just dance?" I said abruptly, dropping my bag in the wings and sitting down to tie up my pointes.
We warmed up at the barre in the wings before walking into the middle of the other dancers and clearing our own space on the stage. We were the most important people in the production, after all, and no one needed to rehearse as much as us.
Unfortunately, it was far harder to stay focused with a stage full of other people. Our lifts didn't go well – I forgot to prepare before a shoulder sit and ended up sliding down Jacob's body to the floor. Everyone, of course, saw. I gave a good long glare to anyone who sniggered. "Would you care to try?" I snapped at a few corps girls.
Inside, my tension increased almost to bursting point. I couldn't fall. I just couldn't. This lift had to work. Everything had to be as close to perfect as possible. And yet now I wasn't even thinking about perfect – I was just thinking about surviving.
"Again," I said to Jacob, going back to position. People still hadn't turned away but I tried not to care.
Jacob put his hands on my waist. "You're leaning forward too much," he said.
"I know," I said, making the adjustment in my head. "Seven, eight – "
He lifted me. And then there was Edward, watching along with everyone else. The memory of his touch suddenly made my heart beat skip. My butt reached Jacob shoulder and yet somehow fell short.
"Shit!" I cursed and Jacob barely kept enough support to not drop me. He awkwardly set me back on my feet. Everyone was still watching. And this time, they couldn't help but snigger.
"We should be able to do this," I hissed and stormed through the wings and out into the cold lights of the corridor.
"You still had the wrong posture!" Jacob said angrily, following behind me. "And you didn't prepare in the count before!"
I rounded on him as the stage door shut. "I had this before! It has to be you!"
"No," Jacob said, the muscles in his arms all tense. He jabbed a finger at my chest, "This is all because you didn't come back last night! You've screwed up our whole routine!"
"I was drunk!" I exclaimed, pushing his hand down. Our voices were echoing down the corridors.
He shoved a hand through his sweat-beaded hair and scoffed, "You shouldn't have been drunk in the first place!"
"I got drunk because I was nervous!" I shouted. "Something you failed to address!"
"Like it's my job?" he said. "Jesus, Bella, I thought you were self-sufficient! I thought you didn't need me to hold your hand through everything like Edward did!"
"I – " I let out a breath and then said, in a more repressed voice, "I don't."
"Good!" came a voice from the stage door. We both turned to see Helen standing there in a sharp black business suit with a silver shirt underneath – a game day suit. She smiled and came to stand in front of us, "It is very normal for a partnership to have some strife before opening night."
"We're not normal," Jacob said tightly.
Helen gave him a look, "Even so, you have argued and now you can move on." She put her arms around both of our shoulders – her heels allowed her just to reach Jacob's – and began walking as back to the stage door. "I need my two stars to be perfect," she said. I looked to Jacob for a smile – 'perfect' was never going to happen – but he was looking stonily ahead. "And you will be. But whatever you need to make things easier, I will get you."
She held the door open for us and we walked back into the dark wings, only lit by pale green fluorescent lights.
"More rehearsal time," Jacob said plainly. "We don't need to do class."
Helen nodded, "Alright..." We were now back on the stage. Everyone had gone back to rehearsing and didn't seem to notice…except Edward. He looked up from his group of peasant boys, concern in his eyes.
"Helen," I said, accidentally cutting into whatever she'd been saying. I tore my eyes from Edward to look at her. "I need something on top of that." I took a deep breath, "I don't want Edward in the audience."
So whose team are you on now?
Please review and let me know what you think! And scold me for my slowness - definitely deserved.
Thanks so much for keeping on reading!
Amberdeen
