XXIX. First Steps
"Gone for a flight. Need some air. Gobber said he would visit. I'm thinking of you. A."
I was staring at the black letters swimming in front of my eyes, holding tight the piece of parchment in my hand, forbidding myself to feel resentful toward Astrid. She was right, and I shouldn't expect her to share in my fate and go without flying, too.
I sighed, looking at the empty and cold space she had left behind her, next to me in the bed. She must have been gone for a long time already; maybe she would come back soon. Toothless was still there. As for him, he seemed to be asleep, lying in the same position as the day before, beside my bed. However, when I leaned over to put Astrid's note on the bedside table, he moved, moaned, and then turned his big eyes on me.
"Hi there, bud. You slept well?"
A joyful grunt answered.
"Yeah, me too. I dreamt about us."
Toothless stretched out, and came asking for strokes.
"I dreamt that we were flying."
He rubbed his head against my face. I closed my eyes, thinking about the brief pictures of my dream I remembered.
"It was amazing. It was like it used to be. Before I…"
I had a lump in my throat. Toothless blew in my neck.
I had dreamt about that all night. I had first thought about it while I was falling asleep, turning over in my mind the memories of my flights with Toothless, and it had continued in spite of myself, as a dream. And when I had come back to reality, I had felt both incredibly good and horribly frustrated.
Only the frustration remained now.
I sat up and quickly stretched out my arms, stifling a yawn, and slowly moved forward until the edge of the bed. I let my right leg hang out from the covers. My foot touched the floor. I got out my other leg. My foot didn't touch the floor.
I stared at the stump. Longer than I usually dared to. I moved my muscles, and the piece of leg shifted. I slightly pressed it against the wood of the bed to realize that it was really mine, that it was my body and that I was controlling it.
I held on. I didn't feel bad. Well, less than usual.
And I suddenly realized that I was dying to stand up. I needed to walk. To run. To jump. To fly.
I looked at the prosthesis on the table in front of my bed. I could use it right now. I tried to imagine myself walking with it. Leaning on that piece of wood as if it was my own foot. I carefully touched my stump, and gently pressed it, imaging the weight of my body resting on this area of new skin. I felt weird. This piece of limb didn't seem strong enough to support…
"Hello!"
I started so violently that Toothless got scared, and groaned – probably insults in his own language – at Gobber who had just entered the room without warning. The man raised an eyebrow when he saw him and asked, "Am I disturbing you or something?"
"No, I just woke up. You scared me, I started, and Toothless too."
"Oh."
I calmed my dragon down with some strokes, and told him to keep sitting quietly. He obeyed.
"You slept well?" Gobber asked.
"Not bad."
He nodded, put on the ground a sort of tool box, and then looked at me, rubbing his hands.
"Astrid sent you here, didn't she?" I asked.
"More or less." He answered. "I would have come anyway."
He kept silent for a few seconds; I didn't know if he was expecting me to say something or if he was only searching for the right words.
"Okay then, you know why I'm here…" he finally started.
I nodded. Once more, he seemed to be waiting for an answer, but I didn't say anything.
"I… If you're not ready, I can come back later." He added.
"No, that's okay, there's no reason to wait any longer." I said.
He gave me a questioning look. His "You're sure about that?" resounded even louder in my ears than if he had said it out loud. Gobber had never looked so worried about me. I knew he had always cared about me, but he had never seemed so preoccupied about my feelings. Usually, he was more treating me ruthlessly, "to harden me" as he used to say, and he was encouraging me to grin and bear it, to be brave and overcome my fears and my doubts. I was used to his rough method, I'd even started to like it; so the sudden attention he seemed to be paying me was a bit strange. Did I really look like I needed to be cared about that much?
Since I still wasn't reacting, Gobber decided to act, and grabbed the prosthesis on the table. He pressed it between his hands to try to mechanism, which gave out a little metallic creaking. Toothless came closer, puzzled by the noise. I signaled him to keep calm, and he sat down at the end of the bed, still staring at me. I looked back at Gobber, took the prosthesis he was giving me, and feverishly turned it between my hands.
"I added a kind of spring, to cushion and prevent you from limping." He told me. "I don't know yet what it's worth, but it should work. We can make adjustments."
In normal circumstances, I would have been really fascinated by such a mechanism. But right now, I couldn't get interested in it nor try to understand how Gobber had done this. Something was blocking me. I couldn't manage to concentrate on anything else than the sensation of the cold metal on my sweaty skin.
"The advantage is that you can remove it easily." Gobber continued. "To sleep for example. Your skin will be in contact with the wooden part, that's less hard, less cold than metal, and also less painful I think."
I touched with my fingers the perfectly smooth wood. There wasn't any splinter – thankfully. Gobber had thought about everything. He was also talking with his usual tone again, and I found it reassuring. He was making sure I was listening, but he wasn't preoccupied by my feelings. That was better.
"I tried to make it a bit like a foot shape, to be more stable," he added, "also because I looked at the sketches of the thing you made for your dragon, and I think it's the better shape if you want to adapt the mechanism with it."
I stared at Gobber, my eyes wide open, his words resounding in my ears. He raised an eyebrow.
"You… you did what?" I asked.
"Er… I tried to… take into account the thing allowing you to control Toothless' tail, I used your plans, and…"
"You mean that my prosthesis will adapt itself with the pedal?" I interrupted. "I'll be able to… fly? Even without my foot?"
I was feeling a larger and larger smile coming across my face, and an intense excitement growing inside me. I was suddenly seeing my doubts and my fears about that disappearing with the way Gobber had presented the idea. It was evident I'd be able to fly again. I seemed to be the only one still doubting about it.
"Of course…" Gobber answered. "You're surprised?"
"No, but… I was kind of prepared to the idea, just in case…"
"Oh… well, don't be too delighted, but if everything goes well, there's no reason it won't work. I was waiting for you to wake up to test it, but I'd already started to think about it, and…
"Gobber?" I cut him in.
"Yes?"
"Thank you."
If I could stand up, I would have certainly hugged him. Instead, I merely smiled. Simply but sincerely. I then turned back to Toothless, who hadn't moved.
"You heard that buddy? You'll probably fly again!"
He smiled and quivered with impatience. I looked back at Gobber. He was observing us, smiling too. However, when our gazes met, he seemed a bit embarrassed by my gratitude, and I decided to not insist on it.
"So, shall we try this prosthesis?" I said with a bit too much enthusiasm to dispel the ambient awkwardness.
Gobber nodded, and moved closer to me. I put my future foot on the bed, and sat at the edge, my leg and a half out of it. Gobber took a stool, sat in front of me, and while I was slowly rolling up my pants to uncover my stump, he grabbed the prosthesis and put it where my foot should have been. The height seemed to correspond, despite a slight space, and I felt the wood touch my brand new skin. Gobber then took a kind of white cloth and began to wrap my stump in it, with a delicacy that surprised me. He pressed my leg several times, probably checking the thickness of the cloth, and several times he added another layer. The cloth was incredibly smooth, and soon the unpleasant tingles running along my leg when Gobber was pressing the stump subsided.
"That's to relieve the pain." he told me. "Something Gothi gave me; it improves the cushioning and also avoids other complications, because of the pressure. You're lucky; no one gave me this when I lost my foot."
I hesitated to smile, but Gobber wasn't looking at me anyway; he was too concentrated on making my bandage. When he finished, he cut the excess of cloth, and wedged the end of it in the already wrapped part. Then he grabbed the prosthesis, and fixed another piece on the wooden part, using notches I hadn't noticed. This piece was made of a round and hollow wooden part, extended with metallic rims.
When Gobber had finished his checking of the fixing, he stopped for a few seconds, and then slowly moved the prosthesis toward my leg. A weird feeling of apprehension, excitement and curiosity grew inside me, and I stared at my stump perfectly fitting into what would from now on be my left foot. Gobber took a tool – kind of pincers – and used it to tighten the metallic edges of the prosthesis around my leg. The pressure on that part of me I could hardly even touch suddenly made me feel weird. I almost wanted to pull out that thing which wasn't part of my body.
"Is it too tight?" Gobber asked.
"I don't know…" I answered honestly. "It's weird, but I guess it has to be tightened enough to hold."
"You should still have sensations in the stump, otherwise it means it's too tight."
"It's okay then."
"Good. You'll see it with time anyway."
Gobber delicately put my leg on the floor, and let go of it. The usual sensation of abnormal lightness didn't come: my leg wasn't hanging in mid-air, it was put on the floor, via the prosthesis. And that was strange to think that after the hard time I'd had getting used to the idea of not having a left foot anymore, now I couldn't realize I had one again.
I shyly tried to lean on my knee. Probably not enough, since nothing happened. Gobber came closer, and gave me his arms. I took them. He pulled me forward, faster than what I was expecting, and soon I was standing up without having the time to realize what had happened. My head spun, my sight blurred, I closed my eyes. Gobber was still holding me. I breathed slowly. As calmy as I could. All my weight was leaning on my right leg for the moment.
"You alright?" Gobber asked.
I nodded. In fact, I wasn't feeling very well. I hadn't been standing up for such a long time that my body seemed to have forgotten how to do it. And my left leg wasn't making it better.
"Try to take a step, I'm holding you."
I breathed. Slowly moved my left leg forward. Breathed again. Held tighter Gobber's arms. Bent my knee. Breathed again. Bit my lip, and let my weight lean on my other leg. Held my breath. Took the pain which quickly ran along my leg. In my body. Into my head.
The world spun.
Slowly.
I couldn't hear anymore.
I couldn't see anymore.
I couldn't feel anymore.
Light.
Darkness.
Light. Dazzling.
I closed my eyes.
"Hiccup?"
Echo.
"Hiccup? Hiccup!"
I slightly opened my eyes. Gobber was blurred. Behind him, the ceiling. And the world was still spinning.
"…ing…all… Fall. I'm going to fall." I mumbled.
"Yeah, I know, you've already fallen." Gobber answered. "It's going to be harder that I thought."
He passed his hand on my sweating forehead, sighed, and sat next to me.
"Looks like you're still too weak; you hadn't even taken one step forward and you were already fainting."
He grabbed my leg and removed the prosthesis, and then my bandage.
"We'll stop here for today."
"No."
He stopped his movement and looked at me, frowning.
"No?"
"No." I repeated. "I want to walk. I can't bear staying here anymore. I want to go outside. I want to fly."
Saying this, I looked around the room for my dragon.
"Where's Toothless?
"He left. When you fainted, he ran out. I don't know where he went."
"Go fetch him."
"Hey, easy! First, you're going to calm down, you're getting nervous…"
"Toothless!" I shouted. "Come back!"
"It's useless, he can't hear you."
"Toothless! Don't leave me! I want…"
"What's the matter with you for Thor's sake?"
"I want to fly!"
"No need to shout!"
"I WANT TO FLY!"
I had sat up, my hands were trembling, I was cold. My cheeks were wet. The door opened, and Gothi came in. Warned by my cries probably, because she rushed – as fast as an old lady could – and with the help of Gobber, she forced me to lie down. I struggled, I screamed, and I didn't even know why. I wanted to leave. It was too hard.
"Hiccup, please, calm down!" Gobber shouted to drown out my yells. "Breath, stop shifting! It's going to be alright!"
No, no, it's not going to be alright!
He pinned me on the bed. I finally stopped my movements under the painful pressure he was exerting on my wrists, and let myself lie on the bed, sobbing. I couldn't bear it anymore.
"Wow, don't go sparing like that…" he told me. "It's normal if it doesn't work at the first try, it takes time, you'll get through it if you're patient."
"But I'm done with this! I can't stay here anymore, doing nothing all day, I need to fly!"
Gobber grabbed my wrists, but I hadn't moved. I didn't have any more strength to. He let go of them after a few seconds, and sighed. Gothi came back from her room with another cloth dipped in a steaming bowl. She sat where Gobber was and put her hands on my forehead.
"You needed to let it out. Now, calm down." she said.
I took a deep breath, and closed my eyes. Gothi's presence had something relaxing. I felt the warm cloth on my forehead, and a strange smell of plants came to my nose. The Elder left it there, and I heard her telling Gobber to wet it once or twice more, until the liquid was cold.
"I can't stay right now, but I'll ask Astrid, she'll take care of him." the blacksmith answer.
Astrid. She must still be in the sky. Flying. With her dragon.
I waited for Gothi to leave, and called Gobber. He came closer.
"What is it Hiccup?"
"Don't tell Astrid anything please. About… what just happened."
"Why don't you…"
"Don't say anything about us trying the prosthesis, okay?" I cut him in. "No fainting, only tiredness and a headache."
"Alright."
"Thanks."
I counted his steps until the door, and sighed when I heard it closing.
I hoped he wouldn't think too much about that ask for silence. I didn't even think I was able to explain it, but I was sure of one thing: if Astrid learnt that my first steps hadn't gone well, she wouldn't take it lightly. And I didn't want to deal with whatever her reaction would be.
The day before, she had talk to me about my leg, saying that if Gothi had affirmed it was healed, I had to try to walk. She had told me Gobber would come to help me, and I hadn't needed more details to understand that she had asked him. I didn't really know how to feel toward her dedication. She was right, of course, and my desire to walk again was getting stronger and stronger, but her way of encouraging me was making me feel a bit awkward. She was almost too insistent. I should have been happy, even enthusiastic she was feeling so concerned and motivated to help me.
But she definitely couldn't push me to make efforts and then leave me to go for a flight with her dragon.
Plus, Toothless seemed to have abandoned me too. I hadn't really followed what had happened, but apparently he had fled when I fainted. And I didn't understand what could have made him leave me in such a moment.
Just like I didn't understand how nor why I had reacted so violently after my blackout. I hadn't even felt the anger coming myself; I had suddenly and unforeseeably gone from a certain hopeful state to a so important despair that I had totally lost any control.
Basically, I didn't know where I was anymore. At all. All the people who had shown me support until now had suddenly disappeared, right at the moment when I'd needed them the most.
I furiously turned over in my bed, trying to stifle my anger in the blankets. The wet cloth fell from my forehead. But I didn't care. I needed way more than a simple plants decoction to feel better.
He only wanted to save him. He didn't want to lose him. Without him, he wasn't anything anymore. What was a dragon who couldn't fly? No better than a human who couldn't walk.
Couldn't walk.
Walk.
Yet he had tried to. He had stood up. But he had fallen.
He had truly believed he would be able to walk again.
He didn't think he had bitten so hard. He only wanted to catch him.
But it was too late.
It was done.
Hiccup was in Gobber's arms, unconscious, taken away by pain.
And that was because of him.
I got a review from Behind blue eyes (as a guest), reminding me to not put any spoiler in my fic, so I'll just say it again : there won't be any in this fic, I'm not going to see the movie before the 2nd of July, and anyway this fic isn't about HTTYD 2 at all, so you don't have to worry about that. And I'd also really appreciate you to keep silent about this 2nd movie in your reviews, for me, and for those who may read the reviews. Thank you.
Anyway, have a good day/night, I'm updating soon, and leave a review to tell me what you think :)
