Disclaimers: All characters are belong to Dick Wolf. This is just for fun, not profit.
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After another night curled up in Olivia's arms, Alex awoke the next morning at 8 AM to the shrill ring of her phone. When the caller rang a second time, she rolled over, groaning, to answer.
"I was very comfortable until you woke me up, so this better be good, Liz," Alex barked, recognizing the number on her caller ID.
"Have you seen this morning's paper?" Liz asked sharply.
"No, why?" Alex asked. She had a feeling she knew. It was April, sexual assault awareness month, and she had met with a journalist the week before.
"Did you plan this? Front page of the Times: Manhattan Bureau Chief Alexandra Cabot: Anyone Can Be a Victim of Sexual Violence, page 2, with a full-size picture of you. Then in small print, over your shoulder: Manhattan Socialite Robert Sheldon, Ex-Fiancé of Alexandra Cabot, Sentenced to 15 Years for Rape, see page 6.
"In an exclusive interview with the Times on Tuesday, Manhattan District Attorney's Bureau Chief and former prosecutor for the Special Victims Unit Alexandra Cabot discussed the legal definition of consent and confirmed that anyone can be a victim of sexual violence or rape. 'We have this image in the media of the stranger rapist, who violates women in a dark alley or a park at night, but the reality is that far more women are victims of their family members, acquaintances, and intimate partners… Women (and men) can be victims of sexual violence even if they've had a previous sexual relationship with the alleged rapist, including cohabitation, engagement, or marriage… While rape cases can be difficult to prosecute, each woman who comes forward and each conviction makes seeking justice easier for future victims.' Nationwide, the case closure rate for rape cases hovers around 4%, and fewer than 10% of accused rapists currently see any jail time. Statistics in Manhattan are slightly better, with 44% of SVU cases resulting in a criminal conviction, thanks in no small part to Ms. Cabot's tenure in Special Victims."
Alex groaned. "I gave an interview to a journalist friend of mine last week about sexual assault awareness month, and mentioned off-the-record that I had also been raped. I thought people would probably infer it, and that maybe, if they thought a former SVU prosecutor could be a victim, that it would be okay to come forward. You'll see that I specifically avoided mentioning any details or Robert's name, because without a criminal conviction, it would have been prejudicial and possibly libellous. But publishing the story about sentencing right on the same page is just bad timing. Or good timing. It's too early in the morning for me to be sure."
"You realize that you've just outed yourself as a rape victim," Liz said.
"Yes, I figured that would happen. Or at least, I suspected that people would put two and two together when they read the article. But all of the DA's office and most of the judiciary know what happened already, not to mention all of the defense attorneys Robert called before he got Granger to represent him. So it's not a secret. I fail to see the problem."
"The problem is that if you ever want to go back to SVU, it'll be seen as a conflict of interest."
"How so? It's not a conflict of interest for me to try murder cases after having been shot. I already got immense personal satisfaction from putting rapists in jail; this hardly changes my personal feelings about rape. I didn't hate rape less before I was a victim of it, I just understand it better now. If anything, it might make it easier for victims to connect with me. Convince more women to testify. And we both know the system is stacked against rape victims already and that rapists are rarely convicted for date and acquaintance rape, especially if they're affluent. I thought this through, Liz, the more publicity the issue gets, the more high-profile cases that get convictions and press time, the better things will get for victims, and the more victims will come forward."
"I'm just worried that putting this out there so soon looks like a grab for publicity; like you're trying to benefit from being raped." Liz continued over Alex's objections. "I'm not saying that you are, I'm just saying that's what it could look like."
"Then it's a good thing he's already in Rikers and my press coverage won't impact his sentencing. I'm just doing what all rape victims do: trying to regain some control over my life, after almost four years of having very little control. I happen to be in a position to help people at the same time. And besides, it was pretty much Moredock's idea to go to the press; he told me to 'control the narrative.'" Alex explained.
"I hope you know what you're doing," Liz cautioned.
"Not really," Alex admitted. "But it's done."
"Politics aside, it's actually a really good article. Are you angling to get back to Special Victims?"
"Casey's doing a good job there. I don't know if I want to stay Bureau Chief, though. Too much paperwork and politics; not enough time in a courtroom. And if I were to transfer, I wouldn't want to stay in Homicide and be under Jim Steele. Major Case does too many drug cartel cases for my taste, and quite frankly, I don't want to risk it, and White Collar would bore me to tears. So that doesn't leave a whole lot of options, and SVU does feel like home."
"See? Do you have more appreciation for me now that you know how rough I had it when I was your boss?"
Alex rolled her eyes. "You loved every minute of it."
"I most definitely did not. You were a pain in my ass. Probably the biggest one of the lot of you. You're lucky you're my goddaughter, so I had to be nice to you and love you anyway."
"You call that 'being nice and loving me anyway'? I'd hate to find out what happened to the people you didn't like." Alex retorted.
"They'll never find the bodies," Liz smirked. "Alright, sweetheart, I just got to the courthouse, so I've got to go. But I'll keep my ear to the ground for gossip, because I'm sure everyone will be talking about you today."
"Thanks Liz. And please don't call me this early on my day off again."
After she hung up her phone, Alex went back into the bedroom to try to curl back up in Olivia's arms, but Olivia stirred and opened her eyes as Alex pressed a kiss to her forehead.
"Good morning, beautiful," Olivia murmured, gliding her thumb across Alex's cheek. "How are you feeling this morning?"
Alex groaned. "A bit better. Now it only feels like most of my periods at the same time."
Olivia smiled sympathetically and kissed her cheek. "Who was that on the phone?"
"Liz. Apparently I'm front page news. That journalist I talked with last week did a story on me for sexual assault awareness month, and printed Robert's sentencing on the same page. I haven't seen it yet."
"We'll have to go pick one up. I only had a subscription to the Ledger, and I canceled it when I broke up with Kurt."
"Would you mind? I don't want to go out to buy a paper with my own face on the cover."
"Sure, sweetie. I'll pick up some coffee and muffins for breakfast on the way back."
Olivia returned twenty minutes later with breakfast and the paper, and after placing them on the counter, she swept Alex into a hug. "You're amazing, you know that?" she murmured into Alex's ear.
"What does it say?"
Olivia brought her arms down around Alex's waist and pressed their foreheads together. "Just that you're so brave for speaking out about something awful that happened to you to help other women."
"I'm not brave, Liv," Alex replied, bringing her hands down along Olivia's back until they rested at her hips.
"Yes, you are. You're incredible."
Olivia tucked Alex's hair behind her ear, and Alex felt her breath hitch as their eyes locked. Olivia's body felt so soft against hers, and she was suddenly very aware that her breasts were brushing against Olivia's. Alex felt her lips part involuntarily and held her breath as Olivia moved forward, slowly, their eyes closing as their mouths pressed gently together.
The kiss was slow, and Olivia tasted soft and sweet, and for the first time, Alex felt like the person she was kissing had no ulterior motives, no designs of getting her into bed. She liked that Olivia held her close, and that her skin was soft, and that her hands on Alex's back pressed their bodies together gently, and that they fit in all the right places. For a moment, all Alex could focus on was how good she felt in Olivia's arms and how perfect the kiss was. Olivia hadn't kissed her to take her body, she had kissed her to touch her soul, to slip some of the broken pieces back into place.
Olivia reached her hand up to cup Alex's jaw, and kept it there as they both pulled away, needing air. They kept their bodies pressed together as their mouths parted, and Olivia looked nervously at Alex.
Alex took a moment to react, and finally settled on exhaling a heartfelt "Wow." Still trembling with the energy from the kiss, she finally looked up to meet Olivia's eyes. "That was… wow."
Olivia let go of the breath she had been holding. "Me too… I… wow," she sputtered. "I haven't… It's never been like that for me before."
"Me neither," Alex whispered. Her body tingled, and she slowly became aware of more than just Olivia's hands and lips. Her breasts were sensitive, her skin was flushed, and she felt a tightness and shortness of breath she hadn't felt since the last time she had… "Robert, no!" Alex whimpered, freezing, before she pushed Olivia away and fled to the bedroom.
Shit, Olivia cursed herself, leaning against the counter. That was way too fast. Amazing, but way too fast.
She waited a few minutes before knocking on the bedroom door. "Go away!" Alex cried from inside.
"Please, Alex? I'm sorry. This is my fault… I shouldn't have done that so soon." Olivia turned the knob on the door and waited for Alex to protest. When she didn't, Olivia entered slowly and sat down on the bed, careful not to touch Alex. "Lex, I'm so sorry. That was too fast and I wasn't thinking… I should have waited until you were ready. I said we'd go at your pace, and then I push this on you. It wasn't fair of me."
"Liv, you didn't push anything on me. I wanted it too, and it was amazing, and then, I just… I don't know what happened. I felt… I don't know what I felt, but all of a sudden, all I could think about was Robert kissing me, putting his hands on me… It's my fault. I ruined the moment."
"It's not your fault, Lex. You had a flashback. It happens. It'll probably happen again, and it'll suck, but we'll get through it. Okay?" Olivia held out her hand for Alex to take, and Alex moved towards the center of the bed, allowing Olivia to lie down facing her. "Sweetie, we're going to take it really slow, and we won't do anything you're not ready for, I promise. I love you."
"Does that mean I have to wait for another amazing kiss?" Alex smiled through her tears.
"That was a pretty amazing kiss, wasn't it?" Olivia agreed. She reached over with her free hand to wipe the tears from Alex's cheek, then leaned in for a gentle kiss on the mouth, pulling away after just a second. "Let's just stick to the basics for now. We'll have plenty of time for more intense kissing later."
Alex curled in closer to Olivia and entwined her fingers in soft brown hair. Olivia smiled, noting that although Alex had allowed herself to be touched that intimately, it was the first time she was initiating the contact herself. Olivia watched as her eyes darkened and her brow furrowed, and suddenly, lost in deep thought, she pulled her hand away and turned to face the wall.
"What's going on in that big, scary brain of yours, Lex?" Olivia murmured, reaching out to touch her back. She realized Alex had begun to cry again, silently, and was shaking slightly. "Are you in pain?"
Alex shook her head, and Olivia spooned her, pulling her gently onto her back in Olivia's arms. "Talk to me, sweetie."
Alex wiped a tear away and swallowed thickly. "Liv, I'm not going to be enough for you."
Olivia kissed her forehead and her cheek, smiling gently at Alex, eyes filled with love. "I get to be the judge of that, Lex. I told you how I felt the other day. I've never felt like this about anyone before, and that kiss… Let's just say there's not a doubt in my mind that this is it for me."
Alex looked away. "I mean sexually. I'm not going to be able to give you what you need, sexually."
"How do you know what I need sexually?" Olivia asked gently, cupping Alex's cheek and turning her back so they were face to face. "Alex, I mean it when I say I want to take it as slow as you need. I expect nothing from you, sexually or otherwise. I do want to make love to you, and kiss you all over, and feel your skin against mine, and show you how good sex can be. I want to take away your pain, and show you how beautiful and amazing you are. It hurts me to know that you've been used, and taken for granted, and made to feel ashamed, and that nobody's loved you like you deserve. And I want to be the one to give you all of that, no matter how long I have to wait to do it. Even if we didn't have to take it slow, I'd still want to wait and make it special for you."
"And that sounds amazing, and I want all that too, and I think about it, imagine it, and then I feel guilty, or sick, like how can I even think about sex when I've been violated and it physically hurts me? I'm physically incapable of having sex, even if I wanted to." Alex gave a self-deprecating laugh. "Figures that the first time in my life that I actually care about sex, and all I can think of is him and how he told me in my dream that his face was the one I'd see every time I…"
"Lex, it's not sick to want sex with someone you love, even after being raped. Robert used you for his own gratification, with coercion and with force. I promise you that when we make love, it will be nothing like that. It will just be me and you. No Robert, no Lowell Harris, no anybody else."
"And what if I'm 'cold' and 'inhibited'? If I'm afraid to try something that you want? If I can't get aroused?"
"Who said those things to you, Lex? I'll kick his ass." Olivia murmured, kissing Alex's forehead.
"Alan. We fought about it a lot before we broke up."
"Maybe he just wasn't a good lover. Maybe he didn't make you feel safe enough to do those things with him." Alex shrugged. "What about Mr. Claims Adjustor?"
"That was just fucking. I'm not proud of it. He was an okay guy. I needed to feel something. It hurt just enough to make me feel alive."
"Oh, Lex." Olivia held Alex close to her chest. "Sweetie, I will never pressure you to do anything you don't want to do, or make you feel bad about something you don't want or you're not ready for. If you're nervous about something, we won't do it, or we'll talk about it and work up until you feel comfortable. And it's very possible that you'll have trouble getting aroused, or being penetrated, or having an orgasm, because lots of women do after being raped. But you'll see a therapist, and talk to her about it, and then we'll work on it together, and take it as slow as we need to."
"I believe you, I'm just scared, Liv," Alex whispered.
"I know, baby. I know." Olivia soothed. "But I love you, and nothing's going to change that."
"How long?"
"How long what, Lex?"
"How long until I stop feeling like this?"
"Lex, it's only been two weeks. You've got to give yourself some time to process it and acknowledge it." Olivia took a deep breath. "Lex, 3 months after my assault, I held a gun to a suspect's head during a flashback. Turned out that he was innocent - and a Marine, with experience with PTSD. I could have killed an innocent man, and all he did was talk me down and give me the name of a good therapist for sexual assault and PTSD in cops and the military."
Alex kissed Olivia's forehead and brought her fingers back up to play with her hair. "After I started seeing her, and acknowledging what had happened to me even though I wasn't raped, the flashbacks and the nightmares got less frequent. They still haven't gone away entirely, but usually now it's only after a really bad case. I've only had one since you've been here; the night we went to O'Malley's and Casey stayed over.
"She - the therapist - recommended that I… touch myself. Took me almost a month to try it, and another month before I was able to give myself an orgasm. I started dating Jenna a few weeks after that. I didn't kiss her for more than a month, and we barely made it past second before we broke up. The point I'm trying to make is that I wasn't raped, and it still took me 5 months to be able to pleasure myself, and I still haven't been able to have anyone touch me. So when I say I'm willing to wait as long as it takes, I fully expect it to take at least 9 months, if not longer. And I promise, I'm not going anywhere."
"Liv, what happened after you broke up with Jenna?" Alex asked gently. Olivia's eyes filled with tears and she tried to turn away, but Alex gently pulled her back and wiped her eyes, kissing a wet cheek. "It's just me, Liv. It's okay."
"I told her I wanted to talk, and she invited me over to her apartment. I was going to tell her more about my job and Sealview, and explain that I didn't think she liked to talk about serious subjects, and that if I was going to be in a relationship, it would have to be with someone who could comfort me after a tough case.
"After I told her about the job thing and how I sometimes need to cry when we don't get a pedophile in time, she thought that was the end, and started kissing me, and I kissed her back. Then I told her I was assaulted - not the details, I think I just said that I was working undercover and a man tried to force himself into my mouth - and do you know what she said to me?"
Alex shook her head.
"She said, 'Well, it's a good thing I'm not a man,' as if the only thing that would affect me would be her trying to shove a penis down my throat." Olivia sniffled.
"Oh, sweetheart," Alex soothed. "What an idiot."
"And then the conversation's over, and she's kissing me, and touching me, and before I know it, her clothes are off and she's telling me she doesn't want to wait anymore. And I start… pleasuring her, and realize that I'm not enjoying it and I'm just doing it to prove that I can instead of because I want to. And then she… starts touching me, and I freak out, and tell her I'm not ready, and she tells me to just relax, and that's when I stopped her and jumped up to get dressed and to run out on her." Olivia was crying openly now.
"Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry," Alex murmured, rubbing Olivia's back and pressing soft kisses to her forehead and cheek. "So sorry."
"I didn't want to do that to her," Olivia explained through her tears. "Neither of us wanted a one-night stand. I told her I didn't want to have sex and then break up. And she was really angry that I ran out on her like that."
"Why didn't you tell me before?" Alex asked softly.
"You had enough to deal with. Still do. Don't worry about me, please."
"Nonsense. If I'm going to dump all my shit on you, I expect you to dump on me too. That's how it works," Alex said firmly. "If we're going to be together, you need to trust me too. And your problems are more important to me than Laura's, or Sarah's, or Jessica Rossi's."
"I was embarrassed," Olivia offered, still crying softly.
"Of course you were," Alex soothed. "But it'll be okay."
"I don't want to do that to you," Olivia blurted out. "Hurt you and make you run away from me."
"You won't," Alex reassured her. "You've respected my boundaries so far. You always make sure it's okay before you touch me, even if you don't ask out loud. You've never made me feel uncomfortable. And as much as I hate the idea of anyone else touching me right now, I like it when you do. Jenna didn't do any of those things for you, or even know that she should, and she didn't listen when you told her about your assault. She had literally the worst reaction that I've ever heard. So you know what? Screw her. But I know you won't do any of those things, and that's why I trust you."
Alex tucked some of Olivia's hair behind her ear, and kissed the tear stains on her cheeks. "Liv, I promise I'll be gentle with you, too. I don't want to hurt you, either."
Olivia smiled softly, and they wrapped their arms around each other and pressed their lips together gently, slowly, over and over, until it hurt a little bit less.
