Chong Wei,
Being different from other peons... Hmph, I underestimated you. (Goddamn it, what the hell? Shu or Wu could be attacking any moment and I have to sit here and answer a hundred fucking questions.)
Sima Yi
(I have a cousin?) Belic,
FOR THE LAST TIME, I DON'T WANT TO GO FUCKING BOWLING!
Sima Yi (What's bowling...? Bowls... and...? Do you play with bowls?)
Xu Shu,
You're Shu's problem now. You were not part of the treaty.
Sima Yi
Zhuge Liang,
Oh my god! This is soooo... FUNNY! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
Yeah, who cares? Makes them easier to fight.
Sima Yi
Gan Ning,
I can't read this. It looks like a three-year old's handwriting. Oh, you're drunk. Not my problem.
Sima Yi
*The following will be the questions Sima Yi has to answer and has his answer under it*
1. Are you gay?
NO.
2. Are you lactose-intolerant?
No. (The fuck? Why does he want to know that?!)
3. On a scale of 1 to 10, how hot is your spouse?
9.86. (Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... He's the only one that reads these, right? Also, why does he want to know this?)
4. How old are you?
Forty-two.
5. How many concubines?
5 (Again, why?)
6. How many wives?
1
7. How much do you paid?
Cao Cao, you already know! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO PAYS ME!
8. What did you just eat?
An almond cookie from latest failed bribe. (...I think he's just messing with my head...)
9. What was the last few words in my latest speech?
(I fell asleep during this... I'll make it up.) Conquer ass and chew bubblegum.
10. What is a mitochondria?
I majored in war and tactics, not science.
11. What is a carbohydrate?
Something bread is made out of.
12. Are Zhen Ji's boobs fake?
Yes.
13. If Wang Yi chugs down three gallons of wine, how many quarts would she have drank?
12. (Soldier-related math problems?)
14. If Sima Yi is 5'10 and his hat is 3 feet, how tall is he without his hat?
HEY!
15. Are those pants that Zhang Chunhua wears? Why do they have holes?
I... uh... don't know.
16. Why is her chest area exposed? You can shoot and arrow there and she would die!
I... uh... don't know how to answer this... (Are these targeted to me?)
17. Also Lian Shi! Those things are hanging out there ready for an arrow! And she's in Wu!
Cao Cao, your rants don't count as questions. And I agree with the fact she's in Wu and she needs to protect herself or else she'll die by an arrow like everyone else does in there.
18. Does Sima Yi need to quit being a bitch?
You're targeting me with these, huh? And you asswipe.
19. Are you single?
WHY ASK THIS LATER INTO THE SURVEY IF YOU ASKED FOR SPOUSES EARLIER?!
20. Want a cookie?
I already have some, so no thanks.
21. If Zhen Ji slaps peons at a rate of 20 slaps per peon, how many slaps would she have given to 150 peons?
3000 slaps. (These are sort of fun.)
22. If Xu Chu eats five chicken legs per second, how many would he have eaten within a minute?
300 legs. (Am I back at secondary school again?)
23. Zhang He stabs peons during a battle at a rate of 5 stabs per peon. If he stabs 100 peons, and his claws have four blades, how many stabs wounds would each peon sustain?
20.
24. How many stabs in all?
2000. (Geez, when did you become my math teacher?)
25. In this lovely picture of yours truly, describe my greatest feature. *drawing of Cao Cao*
None of the above.
26. Why did Bella choose Edward?
That book is a sack of shit, and I'm going to ask you why did you read that book later.
27. My niece made me read it to her, okay?
I want to know why the great Cao Cao's niece likes that shitty book.
28. She was dropped as a baby.
Oh. Sad.
29. What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
What's a Klondike Bar?
30. Draw me like one of your Korean girls.
BIG NO.
31. Guo Jia and Jia Xu have a gallon of wine to share. Jia Xu takes it and runs. How much wine would Guo Jia would have drank?
Well, none since Jia Xu made off with the jar.
32. How much game does Guo Jia have?
None.
33. You jelly. You know you are.
I won't need "game" since I'm already married.
34. Who's cooking is the worst?
Cao Pi. (Never trust a spoiled brat to cook.)
35. Who's the best?
Xu Chu. (The fat man has his tastes.)
36. Do you think Cao Ren could become a Bakugan?
Well, he's rotund, so yeah.
37. What cup size are Zhang Chunhua's boobs?
Cao Cao, why do you want to know that?
38. Come on, you know you're asking this yourself. Just guess.
Uhhh...
Chunhua,
I'm staring at your chest for science. Don't get in the way of science.
Sima Yi
38. At least a D or C.
39. What cup size is Wang Yi?
I wouldn't know.
40. Cai Wenji?
She's flat, that's all I can say.
41. Why is Wang Yuanji blonde?
Mm-hm?
42. Was Lion King a good movie?
Nah.
43. Frozen?
Nah.
44. Mulan?
Meh.
45. Hunchback of Notre Dame?
Meh.
46. Draw boobs.
(o)(o) (I'm slightly ashamed of myself...)
47. Can you sing?
I don't know.
48. Draw me like one of your Japanese girls.
*stick figure with a badly drawn Cao Cao face as its head* Happy?
49. What is love?
When you actually like the person you're with.
50. Is the cake a lie?
If the cake's there, then it's not a lie then.
51. Can you bench-press 200 pounds?
No.
52. Lu Bu kills at a rate of 200 per minute, how many would he have killed by the time you finish reading this?
Trick question, he would have killed me by now.
53. Are you a virgin?
I have two kids. What do you think?
54. Does your anaconda want if she has buns, hun?
(Oh, a dick innuendo. How mature.) Well, I don't care.
55. Sexual fantasy with any women here, describe it.
Yeah, don't know what you're going to do with that...
56. Read any good books lately?
The Iliad and The Odyssey. (And some porn in between...)
57. Zhong Hui is bitch, no?
Why yes, he is.
58. Deng Ai tunnels a hole 6 meters wide. What is the circumference of that hole?
18.84 meters.
59. Have you had sex in an office before?
(...Hehehehe...) Fine, maybe a couple of times.
60. Well, you should. It's hot.
I answered yes, so this does not apply to me.
Zhou Yu,
What do you mean by "crack"? You shoot lasers out your butt? (Haha.)
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
You could have asked me what flavor it was, and I'm pretty sure you heard me yell out "WHY DOES NO ONE LIKE ALMOND" during the time I tried to give them to Shi and Zhao. That would have given you a very clear idea what I was trying to give out. Oh, fine, let me take a look. And I never knew you had an peanut allergy. What's next? You have cancer?
Sima Yi
Zhen Ji,
Fine, here are the batch I last tried to bribe Xun Yu with. I still have a lot after the fat man ate them.
Sima Yi
Yuanji,
Here. (I thought I would need to jam them down your throat before, but you like them, so this is better.)
*box of cookies*
Sima Yi
Chunhua
*crooked writing since he's sort of laughing*
Okay, this is sort of my fault. Can you just put a knife and pop that like a balloon?
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
Okay, it doesn't work like that. Let me see what's in my pockets.
Sima Yi
Kagura,
Can you bring me something that can help with my wife's... *crooked again* ...problem?
Sima Yi
Kagura,
*attached is a syringe*
What's this?
Sima Yi
Kagura,
This looks funny... Are you sure it will work?
Sima Yi
Kagura,
Future people use this to cure allergies? Oh, then she won't have these anymore then?
Sima Yi
Kagura,
Temporary until she eats another peanut-almond thing? What? They can't make something that cures the whole thing?
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
I'm going to stick this funny needle into you. This might hurt.
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
I don't want to look! It's very unsettling to be seeing your face puffed up like a pufferfish.
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
That's was your eye?! Okay, one more try.
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
Okay, you're doing it yourself.
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
Well, the swelling is gone, but... Your eye has some blood coming out... I'll get something for that.
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
I have an eyepatch for you. Put this on until that heals or never.
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
Oh, look on the bright side. You and Xiahou Dun have two things in common now!
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
Oh, I forgot. Xiahou Dun killed a man at 14, you killed a woman at 13. Now you both of two have eyepatches!
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
Fine, you look like one of those hardcore female bartenders at a pirate tavern. All you need is a hooked hand.
Sima Yi
Xiao Qiao,
Wait until you're about 18. That is grown-up talk. (Well, Cai Wenji didn't turn into a lesbian. Yet.)
Sima Yi
Zhou Yu,
I don't know why you are trying to destroy your homeland, but saves me work when I get there.
Sima Yi
Zhou Yu,
You probably shouldn't eat a lot of spicy food then.
Sima Yi
Zhang He,
You too have an allergy to peanuts? Ugh... Wait.
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
I need to draw some blood from you. (The blood probably has the medicine still flowing through her veins.)
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
It's only a little bit!
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
Oh, you have gallons of blood in you, this is small compared to that.
Sima Yi
Lu Bu,
Um, sure?
*attached is box of cookies*
Sima Yi
Zhang He,
Oh, calm down. Let me get this blood in you.
Sima Yi
Zhang He,
Ah, you two have the same family name, so it's fine.
Sima Yi
Sun Quan,
Okay, thanks for the warning. (You fool! That could have been a good tactic to attacking Wei! Oh well! HAHAHAHA! SUCKER!)
Sima Yi
Zhang He,
You feel sick? Go to Xun Yu.
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
I failed medical school, soooo yeah...
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
He needs to be in for a week? Oh well.
Sima Yi
Zhang He,
Sorry I poisoned you with bad blood. Here's a box of bread. (Chunhua's personality is that poisonous it's in her blood.)
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
Oh, I almost forgot. Zhou Yu's shooting lasers out of his ass.
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
Wait, what? I have to go into his soul and kill the demon doing this? Why don't you do it?
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
Whaaaat? I didn't say thaaaat! Mages are critical to every team! They heal and attack very well.
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
Mages do attack well! I was just saying that to Yue Ying just to shut her up!
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
Argh, fine.
Sima Yi
Zhou Yu,
Sit down or at least try. I'm going to perform a ritual on you to stop this.
Sima Yi
Zhou Yu,
Huh, your soul's way different. I see arrows and fire everywhere and it's all red. I see Zhuge Liang being crucified over there. Now back to the demon.
Sima Yi
Zhou Yu,
This demon looks human. He looks like Jia Chong with better hair.
Sima Yi
Zhou Yu,
He's gone. Now you're going to feel a little weak and something will come out of your butt.
Sima Yi
Zhou Yu,
NEVER SPEAK OF THIS. (Ugh! I came out of a guy's ass! I thought the demon would come out that way! Ugh! The demon pulled me towards there... UGH! Luckily, there are no fanfictions on me and him, so it's not going to hurt me a lot.)
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
This food here does not look edible. What the hell is it?
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
Annnnnnnnnd how the hell did you get tiger meat?
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
Okay, there is no way you could wrestle a tiger. Especially in a dress.
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
What the hell are you wearing? It looks similar to what Jia Xu wears.
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
I think the eyepatch changed you. But I can't remove it or else the eye will get infected.
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
Okay! I'll eat it! No need to get all badass on me!
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
Huh, it tastes fine.
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
Hey, where are you going?
Sima Yi
Jia Xu,
Your new drinking buddy? What happened to Guo Jia?
Sima Yi
Jia Xu,
Oh, interesting.
Sima Yi
Xiahou Dun,
What do you mean? You're the only one here with an eyepatch.
Sima Yi
Xiahou Dun,
You're going to kick his ass for wearing the same eyepatch?! Why?!
Sima Yi
Xiahou Dun,
Yeah, get to Xun Yu before that gets infected. The glass has some traces of alcohol, so you have time.
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
Where the hell did you go? And why do you smell like alcohol?
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
Did you just give me a noogie?! I'll show you!
Sima Yi
Shi,
I am not abusing your mother! She asked for this! Now go to your room.
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
Yeah, hurts when its done to you! (I feel weird doing this.)
Sima Yi
Dear Xun Yu,
She's not on her time of the month, so what the heck is making her act like this?
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
That is a load of bull!
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
The eyepatch reveals her inner man...? I... Hey, what would happen if I removed Xiahou Dun's eyeptach?
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
It doesn't work on him because he's too manly...? Huff...
Sima Yi
*continued questions*
61. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Well, you need to give me the rate of how much wood its chucking.
62. Broom broom.
I don't get it.
63. What time is it?
About 6:34.
64. What do you call a peon down on his luck?
Dead.
65. Do you eat ass?
No, donkeys have disgusting meats.
66. Who has the finest ass in all the land?
Well, the local butcher has a donkey that's rather pretty for its kind. It could pass for a pony to be honest.
67. Believe in the me that believes in you.
Wow, did you get that from a book?
68. Did Dio do nothing wrong?
What happened to the grammar?
69. Have you kissed a guy?
Nope, and never will.
70. Do you use tongue?
I use my tongue to talk, so of course.
71. Is Guo Jia a natural blonde?
Nope.
72. Are you sure?
Yup.
73. Have you seen my dog?
You have a dog?
74. Sima Zhao sleeps ten hours a day. How many hours would he have slept after a year?
He would never sleep because I will make him work his lazy-ass off.
75. Do you have kids?
Well, yeah. You've seen them.
76. What shampoo do you use?
I use herbs and water.
77. Bruh.
Huh?
78. Which women here would you want to *censoredcensored*?
Whoa... Um... I would want to do that to my wife, but... hehehe... she's not up for it...
79. Bros before hos?
I rather push my brother off a cliff than spend a minute with a prostitute.
80. Do you leik Mudkips?
You spelled "like" wrong.
81. Who has the sharpest beard here?
Jia Xu. (That thing could cut a orange in half.)
82. Do you like waffles?
What are waffles?
83. Do you like pancakes?
Not so much.
84. Do you like French toast?
What is French toast?
85. Do you wish to die?
Sometimes.
86. Sima Yi walks at a rate of 3 feet per minute. How long would it take for him to get to the palace if it is 150 feet away from him?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT I WALK SLOW?!
87. Fill in the blank. Cao Pi is a _douchebag_.
88. Fill in the blank. Cao Cao is _an asshole_.
89. Fill in the blank. Sima Yi is _better than you_.
90. Have any pets?
A qilin.
91. Do she got booty?
Whose are we talking about here?
92. What's black and red all over?
Lu Bu after a killing spree.
93. What happened at the Battle of Red Cliffs?
You got your ass beat by fire-loving bastards.
94. Are you a vegetarian?
No.
95. Have any scars?
Only a few arrow wounds, but they're barely worth telling about.
96. Are you worth it?
Well, you tell me.
97. So, how's Xun Yu for you? He's coming out in the next Empires game.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, I rather not talk about it.
98. Xiahou Dun gets shot in the face again. How many eyes does he have now?
None.
99. Want to see a dead body?
I've seen plenty, this will not be any newer.
100. Chicken butt.
I actually thought you would say chicken ribs, but okay...
Dear Cao Cao,
I'm finished with the survey! (Finally.) Now what?
Sima Yi
Cao Cao,
Nope. (Not doing this again!)
Sima Yi
