Hey I'm back from the dead people!! HAHA thank you so much to everyone who still reads this I love you all so so much you have no idea. LOL here's the next chapter I really hope you all love it!!! =)
"It's cool you'll figure it out." He said turning the light off again.
"Don't tell the girls about tonight I will when I'm ready. I'll tell them everything." I said turning over on my side.
"Okay try not to wait too long though I don't think I can keep something that big from them for that long." He said.
"I'll come clean I promise." I said closing my eyes. I relaxed long enough to fall asleep and when I did I saw the one thing I loved more than anything.
Brooke.
Your halo slipping down
Your halo slipping down to choke you now
By the time Lucas and I technically went back to sleep it was the morning. We had spent the majority of the night before fighting about my addiction to cocaine and after that we just sat on the floor together in silence. As weird as it seems I owe Lucas my life for last night. I was so close to spiraling down again like I had in Charlotte I was lucky he was there to literally beat some sense into me.
I looked at the clock it was almost 10. Luke was still asleep I can imagine how tired he probably is. I know he didn't expect to be woken up last night by me flipping out over my intense nightmare about Dan and Brooke. I still got a horrible feeling in my stomach thinking about getting killed by my dad and having him kill Brooke. I've lived in fear for so long I just can't fully get over all of the things he did to me. I need to though if I want to live a happy life with Brooke. Of course if I wanted to do that I needed to be honest with her about doing the coke and everything.
I got up and grabbed my phone. I steeped on the icepack that fell off of my eye that was now black. I looked at Lucas and just like I predicted his jaw was bruised and so was mine from both his punches. My hand was still wrapped from me squeezing the keys so hard. I seriously looked like a drug addict right now. I had circles under my eyes from the lack of sleep and my face was bruised from Lucas and on top of that I felt like shit.
He didn't deserve to deal with that after he's been nothing but a good friend and brother to me. I was going to repay him somehow, but I would figure that out after I talked to Brooke. I sat on the steps outside Luke's room waiting for her to answer.
"Hey Scott." She said sounding like she just woke up. That made me feel worse.
"Sorry did I wake you?" I asked apologetically.
"No it's fine I was up." Brooke said not sounding mad at all that I woke her up. I had to smile at that.
"Well I'm sorry anyway, but I was wondering if we could talk?" I asked figuring she wasn't busy right now since I woke her up.
"Yeah why are you okay?" She asked worriedly. I shook my head she was always worrying about me and it wasn't fair.
"I'm good." I lied like I have so many times before. To her and to others.
"No Nathan what's wrong?" She asked knowing me too well. She would always probably know when I was lying.
"I'll explain everything when I pick you up." I said hoping she would be okay with that.
"Okay I'll see you in 15 minutes." She said clearly not wanting to waste any time.
"Great I'll see you soon." I said and hung up. This shouldn't be as hard as it was telling her about Dan abusing me. Compared to that this should be a piece of cake. Of course as soon as I do tell her she'll probably think I'm disgusting. As much as she's always loved partying we've all stayed away from drugs and just stuck with drinking.
I snuck back in and he was still sleeping so I quickly changed and wrote Lucas a note explaining where I was going and doing so he wouldn't freak out. I headed out noticing that Karen, Keith and my mom we still gone. I only wonder what those three did all night last night. I drove fast to Peyton's and Brooke was waiting outside. As always without trying she was still looking beautiful.
Remember those walls I built
Well baby they tumbling down
"Hi." Was all she said when she got in. She was going to act standoffish until I told her what was going on. Brooke kept stealing glances at me though probably wondering why it looks like I got into a fight, and she was probably waiting for me to explain it. However, for the entire drive I didn't speak one word. I much prefer no talking, but I was just planning on what I was going to say. When I pulled up to the beach I saw Brooke gasp a little when she remembered this was where I brought her on our first date. She stayed silent getting out of the car knowing this was my plan. I smirked following her. She sat down in the sand looking up at me expectantly as I sat next to her.
"Are you going to say anything?" She asked after another minute of silence. I grinned at her she was so cute when she was irritated and I wasn't even trying to irritate her I just didn't know how to start. It was actually almost easier to begin talking about Dan, because I didn't have a choice but to tell her after what she saw.
"Umm Davis…" I trailed off struggling finding the right words. "Look I love you, but I haven't been completely honest with you about some stuff." I said looking at her. The irritation was fading from her features and was getting replaced with love and curiosity.
"Okay you know you can tell me anything." She said holding my hand. She did look a little bit worried though.
"I didn't cheat on you or anything." I said just so she wouldn't assume that. Brooke smiled slightly.
"Well that's good." She said light heartedly. I didn't want her to be disappointed in me. After everything she had so much faith in me and if she knew what I did I'm afraid she won't believe in me anymore.
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make a sound
"This is hard to say." I said honestly. She nodded in encouragement for me to continue.
"I'm kind of doing cocaine." I admitted watching her expression carefully. My choice of words weren't exactly what I pictured myself saying, but that phrase just slipped out. Her eyes looked surprised which I expected, but it only lasted a second. That surprised me, you'd think telling someone that you did cocaine would get a little more shock out of them, I guess given my history of crazy things that's not all that shocking when I think about it.
"I'm sorry." I said after another minute of silence from her. I'm waiting here for her to say anything. She doesn't looked shocked at all she just looked a little confused and a little bit relieved.
"I kind of already knew that." She whispered looking down at her hands. Now it was my turn to be surprised.
"What?" I asked shocked. How could she know?
"When we picked you up in Charlotte I found a bag of it and I wondered if it was yours. I watched you after that to see if you'd take it with you, but you didn't and I thought if might not have been yours or just maybe you didn't want me to see you take so I never asked you about it." She explained and then I remembered that day. I was recovering from getting stabbed earlier that morning and I was high when they got there, but I was barely conscious from the loss of blood, but I remember worrying that she found it and it turns out she did.
"I don't know what to say." I said a second later. I had some sort of speech planed, but she knew all along.
"You're still doing it." Brooke stated. She knows me too well so there's no point in attempting to lie and I couldn't anyway it was too important that she knows.
I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
"I'm stopping." I said. She waited for me to continue. I was almost positive she wasn't mad she actually looked like she wanted to help and understand. I knew she wouldn't judge me.
"See I started in Charlotte, because I needed money to pay for food and the hotel I was staying in. When I caught this guy named Brandon selling he asked me if I wanted in so I did, and when you sell to someone you have to do a line with them to prove you aren't a cop." I told her. She then looked surprised finding out I wasn't only using I was dealing.
"I know it was so stupid, but I was so pissed at myself for saying those horrible things to you and Lucas, plus everything with Dan I was scared of being around him, and you know that's why I left in the first place." I said looking down embarrassed. These past few months have been way too insane; my life has changed so dramatically.
"It was your escape." She whispered knowingly. I looked up at her and she had tears welling up behind her eyes and like clock work the tears started welling up behind my eyes. I nodded.
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now
"Exactly I hate myself for needing it, but after awhile it numbed everything all the pain and bad memories and I became dependent on it." I admitted as my first tear fell down my cheek. My jaw involuntarily clenched since I hated crying it made me feel so weak. Dan always said 'crying shows pain, pain shows weakness, and weakness shows fear. And that is not acceptable' that was the mindset I grew up in. I didn't want to think about him right now.
"It's okay Nathan I get it." She said understandingly. It seemed like she understood completely. I knew she would get it, but not this well.
"I just want you to know every time I thought of you and it made me feel worse I didn't want to do it, but after awhile I couldn't stop." I said brokenly. I hated admitting being weak, but she was one of the only people I could be like this around. I felt her squeeze my hand.
It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breaking
It's the risk that I'm taking
I ain't never gonna shut you out
"You're not a bad person Nathan you've been through so much and numbing yourself off is probably something anyone in that situation would do." She said sounding like she was holding something back. I would have asked her what it was, but she started sobbing. I gathered her into my arms apologizing for upsetting her.
"I'm sorry baby I'm done with it now after last night it won't happen again I promise." I said kissing the top of her head as another tear fell on her forehead.
Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
"What happened last night?" She asked pulling away wiping her tears trying to stop crying. I sighed as another pool of tears welled up.
"Brooke…" I whispered ashamed. She brought my hand up to her lips and kissed it softly as I felt one of her tears fall on top of my hand.
"Tell me." She said softly.
"That Brandon guy had me sell to his brother Mike, but when I made the deal he ripped me off and we got into a huge fight. He's the one who stabbed me before I called you." I said regretting every lie I ever told her.
"So you didn't get stabbed beating a local at pool while you were visiting your mom." She said as her voice cracked wiping her tears away again with her free hand.
"No I left because of Dan I never saw my mom." I said clarifying that. "Mike stabbed me before I gave him the drugs Brandon gave me to sell him, so I still had them at the hotel when you guys came, but by then I was almost passed out from exhaustion and the stab wound." I said placing my hand on her cheek wiping away her tears. I hated myself for making her cry, it was the last thing I ever wanted to do.
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away
"Go on." She said knowing I wasn't done.
"The other day Brandon showed up at the river court wanting to know why I suddenly left Charlotte and because his brother lied and said I tried to rip him off and stole the drugs when I didn't." I started. This whole thing was sounding beyond ridiculous.
"Brandon believed me and offered me more drugs. At first I didn't think about it that much, I mean things were good with everyone I had you and I was happy, but then Dan called from jail." I said and her eyes widened as another set of tears and panic settled behind her hazel eyes.
I can't feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
"Oh my god he called you?" She asked in disbelief trying not to cry again.
"He did, but I was at Brandon's motel room buying more it was like as soon as I saw him again all the memories of why I ran away and what Dan did came back so then I needed it again. When I got home Lucas told me Dan called so I went to see him and told him I hated him and would never forgive him." I had to stop this was becoming too much like before. All of this confession stuff needed to stop. I couldn't handle all of this.
"Baby I'm sorry you should have called me I would have gone with you." She said bringing me in to hug her. I held on tightly afraid if I let go she'd leave and I couldn't have that at all.
Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light
"I needed to do it alone." I said into her hair. "But last night after you girls left I had a nightmare while I was sleeping and when I woke up I lost it." My voice cracked as my nightmare came back to me and how real it felt being trapped with Dan with no where to turn until he killed me.
"What happened?" Brooke asked pulling away enough to see my face and how lost I was becoming thinking about this.
"Uh I was trapped with Dan in a jail cell and he beat me to death." I told her leaving out the part where I had been blamed for her death. I could see her heart break for me right there. I cupped her face in my hands wiping her tears.
I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't begin
To pull me back to the ground again
"He can't hurt you Nathan he's gone so you don't have to worry about that ever happening there's no way you'll ever end up in jail like him." She said reaching up to wipe my shed tears.
"In the dream I was in jail because Dan killed you and I got blamed for it." I said intensely afraid of her reaction to that. Her mouth dropped slightly before she pulled my face to hers and kissed me hard on the mouth. I held onto her for dear life never wanting to let go, but she abruptly pulled back because she started crying again.
Feels like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breaking
The risk that I'm taking
I'm never gonna shut you out
"I'm not going anywhere Nathan." She sobbed out putting her face in her hands. My chest started aching watching her in so much pain. Brooke was feeling miserable because of my fucked up dream, my fucked up life.
"I know it's just my worst nightmare would be for us to be separated and if he ever took you away from me I would snap I wouldn't know what to do." I said gently taking one of her hands away from her face and kissing it like she had done to me.
Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
"I won't leave you and your dad will never take me away." She whispered trying to calm down. I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her close so she was sitting on my lap. Brooke laid her forehead against mine.
"I'm sorry." I said again I've thought this too many times that I could never say that enough for her to know how truly sorry I was for doing this to her. I wanted her to be happy at this point that was the only thing that mattered.
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away
"It's not your fault he ruined you because he was sick and took all of his anger out on you when you didn't deserve it!" She said angrily desperately trying to stop crying when I knew it was only a matter of minutes before she started again. This was too much for anyone to handle.
"It's still hard I can hear every threat and still feel every punch I don't think I can get over it any time soon." I whispered honestly. She nodded biting her lip, as she choked back a sob.
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
"The night you came to my house when we had sex for the first time and I woke up because you were shaking so hard and saying my name…" Brooke trailed off letting me fill in the pieces of that nightmare.
"That dream was similar only I saw him beat you to death." I had to stop after saying that. I couldn't lose her and even talking about it was messing with my head.
Halooooo ouuuu
Halooooo ouuuu
Ouuuuu ouuuuu ouuuuu
"You begged me to help you and I couldn't so when he killed you I ran over and repeatedly begged you to wake up and you wouldn't, but you woke me up right after that so Dan wasn't in it that much." I said closing my eyes taking deep breaths.
"It's okay Scott everything will be okay." She said placing her hand on my cheek softly.
"Both nightmares scared the shit out of me. The first night I tried to leave so I could make sure that it never became a reality." I explained opening my eyes to find hers closed.
Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
"It won't so you don't have to worry." Brooke said opening her eyes letting the tears spill out.
"I know and it's because of you." I said rubbing my hand up and down her back. She was shivering and I wasn't sure if she was cold or just from the raw intensity of this conversation.
"I love you." She said looking right at me while her eyes shimmered with pain. I wanted to take it all away from her, and as I looked at her closely her vulnerability was showing more, but her inner pain was beginning to mirror mine. It worried me, a lot.
"Brooke what's wro-." Before I could finish that question she interrupted me again by crashing her lips into mine. Not that I minded I swear I could live off of that for my whole life, but something was wrong I could feel it. I pulled away from her first this time looking worried.
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away
"Can we just lay here please?" She asked looking so fragile I couldn't deny her anything at this point I loved her too much.
I can feel your halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
"Sure." I whispered laying down with her in my arms. We stayed like this for a while before she asked me about my face and hand. I told her about Lucas finding me doing the coke and how we fought after wards. I was relieved she and Peyton weren't there to see me like that, because I couldn't be completely sure I wouldn't hurt them in the state I was in. I'm so glad to know I have something worth fighting against the addiction for.
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I just knew she'd never leave me. She's my angel.
Forever.
I can see your halo halo halo
You know you're my saving grace
So that's all for now! I'm sorry for taking so long between updates I am trying to find more time to do so. Please leave a review it means so much to know what you think of it!! 'Halo' By Beyonce best song ever! Ha ps I added the extra lyrics at the end just for dramatic affect and because it's my favorite part of the song.
