If I don't update after this for a while, it's because I'm going to camp soon for a whole week so sorry, but suck it up!
On the first guess, only one person got my favorite Disney movie correct. It's Oliver and Company. Silver Moonlight Tigress was correct, so she will be in two chapters! The Lion King is my second favorite.
I don't own Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, National Treasure 2, The Hangover, Blue's Clues, Family Guy, 300, The Chronicles of Narnia, Rudy, Cocoa Puffs, Twenty Questions, Mountain Dew, UFC, Rice Krispies, Red Bull, Hannah Montana, Pizza Hut, Nemesis, Blaze, Tigress, or any of the songs in this story. Or God or Chuck Norris, for that matter.
You know what? Let's shorten that: I own nothing except maybe the plot, Wolf, Orion, Darth Fuchsia, and Nightspike.
Chapter Twenty-Nine: Prisoners, Rescuers, and Victims
The first thing Obi-Wan became aware of was a voice singing "Superstar." Badly. As Obi-Wan opened his heavy eyelids, he remember what had happened not so long ago: the ambush and the mysterious new Sith apprentice, Darth Fuchsia, whom he had no clue about.
He was suspended upside-down, his feet shackled to the ceiling. Chains were wrapped around his entire body, making it impossible to move. "Well of course it's impossible to move!" he muttered to himself. "Even an idiot would realize that!" Tsk, tsk, Obi-Wan was in a bad mood. Shame.
Down below, Draco Malfoy was singing shrilly, a purple iPod in his hand. "I am a superstar with a big, big house and a big, big car! I am a superstar and I don't care who you are!"
"You better care," said a dark, cool voice. Snap, hiss! A rose lightsaber blade was now pointed at Draco's throat. "Some guard you are," Darth Fuchsia sneered at Draco. "You didn't even see me coming."
Draco yelped in fear before fleeing the scene. Darth Fuchsia rolled her eyes before collapsing into a swivel chair and activating a comlink. "Somebody bring me a Midol!" she commanded.
"Or else what?" Obi-Wan's eyes widened. The other voice could only be Darth Maul. What was this teenage girl doing ordering Maul around?
"Just do as I say! Get me my Midol now! Do you want to see me PMS?"
"I'm getting it! Sheesh!" The comlink was then turned off. Darth Fuchsia groaned as she spun the chair around.
Obi-Wan was still snickering at the idea of a Sith apprentice with PMS. "Trust me, you need Midol more than that Cocoa Puff Bird needs to go to rehab."
Fuchsia snorted. "I suggest you shut up."
"Oh really?" Obi-Wan raised his eyebrows as high as they could go. "Why, because you can't think of any comebacks?"
"No, it's because you're not supposed to die...yet...and I don't want to accidentally kill you!"
Obi-Wan sighed. "Whatever. Hey, let's play Twenty Questions! First of all, where am I?"
Fuchsia just smirked as she tapped on the chair's armrest. "Yes."
"Huh?"
"Twenty Questions can only be answered with yes, no, or maybe. Those are the rules of the actual game."
"Well then...blast!" Obi-Wan swayed back and forth in his chains, looking defeated. "Hey, I'd still like to know what you have against Wolf."
The very mentioning of Wolf was a big mistake. Fuchsia swore venomously, activating her lightsaber in the process. A glass bottle of Mountain Dew shattered randomly, spraying the two with caffeinated beverage. "Never mention that name to me in such a positive voice!"
Alarmed, Obi-Wan attempted to move away, only to have his ever-present chains restrain him. Still, he gulped and stood/hung firm. "What do you have against Wolf?"
Darth Fuchsia clenched her fists, deactivating her lightsaber but still looking livid. "Wolf ruined me!" she said. "Wolf is my one little pet peeve-"
"That and PMS," Obi-Wan interrupted.
"True. But soon I will not have to worry about Wolf..."
Dread clawed at Obi-Wan. "You're going to kill her."
Fuchsia laughed then, cold and cruel. It would've made UFC fighters pee their pants, and it made Obi-Wan shudder violently. "Kill her? I can't, we're connected. But I can make her suffer, perhaps even turn her to the Dark Side."
Then Obi-Wan asked the one question he desired answered most. "If you're after Wolf, then why did you capture me?"
Darth Fuchsia looked him directly in the eye. "You're the bait. Duh."
Wolf hated conference rooms, almost as much as she hated crappy hospitals. They both involved someone controlling an aspect of another person's life, no matter what you said. Sitting in a stiff chair at a long table, surrounded by various characters, Wolf wondered why the heck she hadn't built a mini fridge into this joyless, fun-sucking cube of nightmares. This place was her own invention, after all.
"You're sure about this?" Anakin said, snapping Wolf out of her reverie. On the right side of the table, Anakin was conversing with Snape about some new problem. What was it again? Oh yeah, Obi-Wan being kidnapped. She almost forgot.
"I'm absolutely positive," Severus Snape replied. Wolf frowned. The narrator hadn't bothered to give him a theme song? Humph! What a shame.
Her mind drifted to her breakfast earlier that day, a bowl of Rice Krispies. She snickered, thinking of "Snape, Crackle, Pop! Rice Krispies!" complete with Snape attired in Snap's little hat and everything.
Someone smacked Wolf in the side of the head. "Pay attention, Wolf!" Nemesis hissed. Wolf glanced to her left to face Nemesis before mouthing an apology. To Wolf's right, Eowyn sighed at the duo.
The room grew dark as Han Solo/Indiana Jones (he really needs just one name) projected images at a screen. It was of a sneering, P.O. brunette girl with yellow flecked eyes, swinging her rose lightsaber at Obi-Wan's head. Snape spoke, "This girl, as I just found out, is Palpy-cakes's new apprentice, Darth Fuchsia. She is-"
"Hold on," Harry said, gaping. "Did you just call Palpatine 'Palpy-cakes'?"
"I did?" Snape snarled. "Well then, Potter, thank you for pointing that out. Ten points from Gryffindor."
"We're not at Hogwarts! You can't take points from me!"
"You're right! Ten points from Gryffindor!"
Harry huffed, while Wolf gazed open-mouthed at the projection. "Impossible!"
"What? Wolf, is this girl familiar to you in any way?" Anakin asked.
"Well yeah, now that you mention it, but I was referring to her pink lightsaber! That's just wrong!"
Aragorn rose from his seat. "Wolf..." Then he noticed the can Wolf was holding. "Hold on, why are you drinking Red Bull?"
"It gives me wings," Wolf stated simply, as if the answer was obvious.
"Throw that out now!"
"Never! You can't make me! I'll coat your sword in hot candle wax! I'll eat your horse! I'll tell Arwen, your dear fiancée, about what happened at the movie theater last week!"
"You wouldn't dare, you little piece of trash!"
"Back on topic here," Luke said. "The rescue party will consist of myself, my father, Harry, Ron, Aragorn, Eowyn, Nemesis, and Wolf." Aragorn groaned at being in the same group as Wolf, which merely made the young Random Master grin. "Snape will go get information on the villains, and Blaze and Orion will lead everyone else here as they prepare for possible war."
Someone knocked on the door. Wolf frowned. who could possibly be knocking, unless it was her...of course! "Come in!" she called. The door opened, but the person who entered was not who she expected. A teenage girl walked in, a deactivated lightsaber in her right hand and a silver bow in her left. Wolf hid her disappointment. "You're not the pizza delivery guy."
"No," said the girl. "I'm Tigress! I'm here to assist with the situation!"
"Great!" said Anakin. "You can stay here with Blaze and help out."
Blaze smiled scarily at Tigress, who sent a creepy grin right back at Blaze. They would work well together. The others just sighed, thinking that they should've been used to random stuff like this by now.
"So when's the next Halley's Comet?" Wolf asked randomly as the search party drove along in a nice, roomy van.
"I...don't know?" Luke responded.
"But it's not tonight?"
"No."
It was then that Aragorn finally asked The Question, the one thing everyone has been wondering for a long, long time..."Why are you this random?"
"The million dollar question!" Nemesis exclaimed, snickering.
Wolf just shrugged. "You want an honest answer? Well, I really don't know. It might be due to head trauma, it might be some awful psychological illness, or it could just be what God gifted me with."
Wolf gazed out the window, unfocused and muttering about dogs and chicken nuggets. Nemesis took advantage of this moment. "She enjoys being crazy. Insanity allows Wolf to act however she wants without being questioned."
"Ah," said everyone else in the car except for Wolf, who still had Red Bull pulsating through her veins.
"Red Bull is made of Chuck Norris's pee," Wolf said randomly.
"My point exactly," Nemesis added.
"So what are we doing after this?" Ron asked.
"I vote we go to Pizza Hut!" Harry said, desperate for some greasy pepperoni.
"Never!" Aragorn denied. "The last time we all went there after a chapter was finished, Dooku ended up eating all of the breadsticks!"
"Then he doesn't go with us," said Nemesis.
"Well, we could all go bowling. Palpatine's an epic fail at that."
"I'm pretty sure the reviewers would find it odd if one of us mentioned a bowling trip," said Luke.
"So what? The reviewers are cool and all, but why should we care if we adlib something or change the script around a bit?" said Eowyn questioningly.
"We always change our scripts," said Wolf. "it's not like- Oh crap, they're still here! Flow, enter a page break! Enter a page break, I say! Now! Please, I'm begging-"
Prisoners really needed to be cheery. Sure, it was true the food was spoiled, the water was contaminated, and the cells and chains were ridden with lethal diseases, but even so, if you were going to die anyways you might as well annoy someone else to death as well! This was Obi-Wan's mindset as he sang, "She's in to superstition! Black cats and voodoo dolls! I have a premonition-"
Outside of the cell, Darth Maul shivered. He really did not like Obi-Wan Kenobi, as you all probably knew already. "Please stop!"
But Obi-Wan did not stop. He wouldn't admit it, but Wolf was truly rubbing off on him.
The search party had ditched the van and were now searching the town on foot. Each one was thinking about something different. Anakin was worried about Obi-Wan, Luke was worried about what Obi-Wan would say once they rescued him, Aragorn was worrying about what stunt Wolf would pull next, Eowyn was fantasizing about war, Harry was thinking about the new Sith apprentice and her motives while Ron was drooling as he thought to himself how hot Darth Fuchsia was. Nemesis was muttering to herself about umbrellas and buckets while Wolf imagined up a giraffe doing the cancan.
It was then Wolf sank to her knees and examined the ground, looking like she had hit the jackpot in the lottery.
Excited, Nemesis asked, "Did you find a clue?"
"No, but I think a dog urinated here!"
Everyone rolled their eyes. Nemesis huffed. "This is more useless than that car chase in National Treasure 2."
"I agree!" said Eowyn.
"Hey, I love that movie! There's nothing wrong with it!" Anakin defended.
"I like that movie too," Nemesis continued, "but the car chase was a waste of time. 'They're going fifteen miles an hour, Ben! Go seventeen, Ben! Go seventeen!'"
Luke snickered before glancing at the ground and noticing something odd. "Hey guys, I found something!"
"Wow! Good job!" Nemesis said sarcastically. "Would you like a cookie?"
"Yes!"
"Well, too bad." They all bent down to the ground and examined what Luke had found: a humongous footprint.
"Maybe it's a liopleurodon?" Ron suggested.
"No, too small," Anakin said as he yanked out a magnifying glass. "Probably an Orc. We found a clue!"
"Shall we write it in our handy dandy notebook?" said Harry.
Ron glanced at his best friend. "You've been watching Blue's Clues again, haven't you?"
"Of course! I love that show!" Everyone backed away from Harry then. Well, everyone except for Wolf and Nemesis. Nemesis was long used to the insane, and Wolf was too busy examining the possible urine spot to care.
Luke examined the area ahead of them. "The footprints head north."
Fuchsia filed her nails as Palpy-cakes lecture her once more. They were both sitting on two ridiculously luxurious armchairs, with Palpy-cakes looking arrogant and imbecilic and Fuchsia looking bored and annoyed.
"Now, you can't wear red shoes when your shirt is green. It clashes. Don't use body paint, it's a turn-off. Huge belts are in, frocks are out, don't-"
"Would you please shut up?" Fuchsia spat, cutting off Palpy-cakes and his disturbing lecture. "None of that is even useful! I know all of it already! Now, something useful would be 'Don't pass out with your shoes on' or various other things." She glared daggers at Palpy-cakes, but before he could electrocute her with Force Lightning, the door opened and in strode Moldyshorts, Dookie Cookie, Darth Paul, and Severus Snape.
"Darth Paul?" Fuchsia murmured. "Really?"
Paul sounds like Maul. Get over it. Who names a Sith Paul? Paul's a human's name!
"Palpatine, my servant is here to give you a report," Voldemort hissed. Snape bristled slightly, but displayed no other reaction. Fuchsia smirked at them all, like she had one big secret. And she did. No one knew it yet, not even Palpy-cakes.
"Sir," Snape reported. "I have news that the Jedi and their colleagues are creating a search party to search for Kenobi. It consists of both Skywalkers, Potter, Ronald Weasley, Aragorn, Eowyn, Nemesis, and Wolf." Fuchsia ground her teeth at the mention of Wolf, which made no sense to Snape. What was up her butt? Then Snape shrugged, thinking it was probably due to PMS.
"What shall we do, Master?" Fuchsia queried. Only Snape detected the malice in her words. So Palpatine's own apprentice detested him? Very intriguing.
Palpatine frowned, deep in thought. Which means Palpy-cakes truly could think! He actually didn't rely on the world for his train of thought. Still, he will always be a few tacos short of a combination plate. Then he snapped his fingers in triumph. "Call up Boba Fett!"
Back in the van, Wolf rubbed her temples irritably. Beside her, Aragorn was squirming uncomfortably while Nemesis just sighed as she looked at the other half of the Duo of DOOM. "Please don't tell me you're on your period." she said to Wolf.
Wolf did not reply, which answered the question by itself. This only made Aragorn more anxious, and an anxious Ranger is never a good thing.
Riding shotgun, Luke twiddled his thumbs, still worrying about Obi-Wan. Anakin glanced at his son. "Are you okay?" Luke nodded, but his eyes told otherwise. "Luke," Anakin spoke quietly. "I know it will all be fine. Trust me. Obi-Wan always finds a way out of danger, and if he doesn't then I do. We'll find a way, I promise."
Luke smiled slightly. "Thanks, Dad! I love you!"
"I love you too, Luke. It'll all be-"
"Well, this is very touching," interrupted Eowyn. "But Boba Fett is up on that hill with a missile launcher, and I don't think now is the time for father-son bonding."
Anakin and Luke's head twisted to the hill Eowyn was gesturing at. Sure enough, there was Boba Fett in all of his owning glory, taking aim at their van. He wouldn't be shooting if they had anything to say about it. "Crap," Anakin snarled as he took a sharp turn to the right. The only evasive strategy Anakin could think of was doughnuts, so that's exactly what he did. Meanwhile, Luke unbuckled his seat belt and grabbed his lightsaber, while Eowyn and Aragorn fingered the hilts of their swords, Nemesis reached for her pitchfork, and Wolf picked up her licorice whip and a lighter, deciding her lightsabers were untrustworthy, what with the batteries and all.
As the car slammed into the hillside, they all jumped into action. Anakin took his time undoing his seatbelt, but Nemesis and Eowyn instantaneously leapt out of the car, ready to kick some bounty hunter butt. Aragorn and Luke muttered something about "crazy females" before following, and Wolf went to open the car trunk, muttering about ketchup. "FOR NARNIA!" Eowyn cried.
"WRONG FANDOM!" cried the rest of them.
Fett reacted instantly, flying up with his jetpack and pressing buttons on a gauntlet. Darts burst from his arms, the projectiles nearly grazing Anakin's face. And you never touched a pretty boy's face, it just ticked them off..
"SPARTA!" Nemesis screeched, as she hurled her pitchfork upwards. Under his mask, Fett snorted, which was his very first mistake: he underestimated Nemesis. The pitchfork slammed into his breastplate, sending him crashing to the ground. But he wasn't finished yet.
Lightsabers lit and swords unsheathed, Anakin and Luke advanced on Fett, while Nemesis went to retrieve her pitchfork. Wolf was still nowhere to be seen, but Anakin had a premonition of what she was planning, and he knew for a fact it wouldn't be a pretty sight. As Fett used some knives built into his gauntlet to deflect their blows, Anakin could faintly make out a whining noise- then the Force screamed out a warning, and Anakin barely managed to shove himself and Luke aside before what impossibly appeared to be a Molotov cocktail whirled past his head, colliding with Fett's already battered armor and combusting. Fett smashed into the ground and did not get up.
"Did I get him?" Wolf asked as she trotted up to them, looking deranged. Anakin did not want to know how she knew what a Molotov cocktail was, let alone how to make one.
Harry asked anyways. "Wolf, how the heck did you know how to make a- never mind, I don't want to know."
Wolf answered anyways. "Well, there was a few glass milk bottles in the trunk, so I started with those. Next I tapped into the engine and extracted some gasoline, since petrol fuel is a vital ingredient. Then I took a rag and-"
"If you are finished with your weapons talk," interjected Eowyn. "I think it's time to check whether or not Fett is dead."
Ron lashed out with his foot at Fett, eliciting a pitiful moan. "Yeah, he's still kicking."
"What..." Fett trailed off.
Anakin grasped Fett's helmet and yanked it off, revealing the dark face underneath. "Who sent you?" he interrogated. "Whom were they after?"
"Why do you have to be such a pain?" added Aragorn.
"First of all," said Fett. "I was sent by Palpatine, obviously. They sent me here for Wolf, though the Skywalkers, Potter, Aragorn, and Nemesis were bonuses. I have to be a pain because it's my job, and I'm bloody good at it."
"Dude, my question was rhetorical," Aragorn said as he rolled his eyes.
"Sure it was."
"I thought you never talked?"
"That's a lie."
"What should we do with him?" Luke asked.
"I suppose we could neuter him," stated Eowyn.
"Or we could feed him to a pool of piranhas," suggested Nemesis.
"Or we could make him tap dance and sing The Good Ship Lollipop," Wolf said hopefully.
"Heck no!" said everyone else.
"Darn," Wolf whispered to herself.
"He will come with us," Anakin said commandingly, quashing the hopes of the others. They groaned but did as he said, manacling his hands.
"What was the point of sending Fett, anyways?" Eowyn asked. "The only way that would be sensible is if-"
"If it was a trap, hmm?" croaked an all too familiar voice. Far above, a ginormous (Yes, I consider ginormous a word) ship turned off its cloaking device, and the search party knew they were doomed.
Blaze and Tigress sighed as they sat in the hangar, bored out of their minds. Leia, Han/Indy, Orion, Hermione, Nightspike, Sirius, Lupin, Yoda, Mace, Frodo, Sam, Qui-Gon, Chewbacca, and all the others were gathered there as well, and everyone was irked by the lack of action.
"Let's play charades!" Blaze exclaimed, startling everyone out of their thought trains. She made a strangled, hissing noise, looking constipated.
"A toilet!" Tigress guessed.
"No, she's a mouse!" Han/Indy said, sure he was correct.
Chewbacca growled incomprehensively.
"A monkey!" said Sirius.
"A lawnmower!" stated Sam.
"Idiots!" interjected Leia. "She's a snake." Everyone groaned when Blaze nodded, approving Leia's answer.
"This sucks," Sirius groaned.
"You know something? You suck!" Tigress retorted.
"Please stop fighting!" Frodo pleaded. "If you do not shut up, I will slip on the One Ring and hand myself over to Sauron!" When everyone ignored Frodo, he added on, "Then I will sing Hannah Montana songs and smother you all in ketchup." Then everyone finally shut up.
"So..." Tigress trailed off.
"Can you get high off pixie sticks?" Blaze asked.
"I don't think so, no," responded Hermione.
"Good." Blaze then began chugging down as many pixie sticks as she could stomach, causing everyone to back away from her. A hyper Blaze was not always a good thing.
"Don't be so glum!" Sam cheered. "Let's play some football!" At tossed the ball just one time, but that was when Han/Indy began chanting, "Rudy! Rudy!" Sam stopped all antics then.
Obi-Wan sighed. Saruman was now guarding him, and Saruman had a bad habit of whacking Obi-Wan on the head with his staff when Obi-Wan was a vexation. So for once, Obi-Wan kept his mouth shut.
"Move along, Saruman," a silky voice drawled. "It's my turn on guard duty." Saruman gratefully sprinted towards the door, glad for the break in monotony. Severus Snape took the so-called White Wizard's place.
"This is very awkward for me, you know," Obi-Wan finally spoke. "I don't know whether or not you're evil and all, so I'm not sure what to say..."
Snape did not speak, so Obi-Wan continued, "Well, are you happy to see me, at least?"
"Absolutely ecstatic," Snape sarcastically replied.
"Now, now, there's no need to be so snarky! By the way, did you tell the others about Darth Fuchsia being-"
"Being after Wolf? I haven't been able to leave. The Dark Lord keeps stopping by, imploring me for potions and errands and bonbons...It's ridiculous. Did Fuchsia rant to you about anything?"
"Just about her being after Wolf and all of that uncivilized talk. She did mention something interesting about being connected to Wolf."
Oh really?" Snape sounded interested now. "What did she say?"
"Just that she and Wolf were connected and that she could never kill her. You know, the usual garbage. Any ideas on what she meant?"
"I can only think of three possibilities, to be honest. None of are good."
"Well, at least Wolf is safe and far away, and not-" The door banged open, and Obi-Wan's worst fears were realized: he was going to be imprisoned with Wolf and Nemesis. True, it was also horrid that Wolf had been captured and was going to be tortured, but come on! Being chained to Wolf and Nemesis was a nightmare! They would never shut their mouths!
"Hey, Obi-Wan!" Luke shouted. "They captured us too! isn't that terrific?"
"It's wonderful, Luke," Obi-Wan muttered.
Following the manacled crowd was Palpatine, Voldemort, Sauron, a cloaked figure Obi-Wan could only assume was Fuchsia, and a small pack of lackeys consisting of stormtroopers, Death Eaters, and Orcs. As chains were coiled around the new prisoners, the villains began chatting amiably about world domination and the like. Though fuchsia listened to them, she remained silent. Finally, the work was done and Anakin, Luke, Harry, Ron, Aragorn, Eowyn, and Wolf were dangling alongside Obi-Wan, looking rather hopeless but feeling rather rebellious. Obi-Wan also noticed Boba Fett, who had collapsed in a chair not too far away.
Immediately after the lackeys left, Palpatine sneered. "You think you're all that, don't you?"
"All what?" Ron whispered.
"I have no idea," Harry whispered right back. "All fat, maybe?" They both snickered, while the others rolled their eyes.
"But you never saw this coming!" Voldemort bellowed.
"A plot twist!" said the cloaked figure, and Fuchsia removed her hood, revealing her creepy mien. Now that Obi-Wan saw them together, Wolf and Fuchsia looked incredibly alike. Were it not for Fuchsia being several years older, Obi-wan would've believed them to be twins. Perhaps she was Wolf's sister? He knew she had one.
Wolf frowned slightly, her eyebrows creasing. "I know you from somewhere..." It seemed to Obi-Wan that Wolf already knew Fuchsia's identity, but she wanted to giggle at whatever lie Fuchsia came up with.
But Fuchsia's reply wiped the smirk off Wolf's face. "Isn't it obvious? I'm you?"
Cliffhanger much? So, what did you think of it? There's just one last chapter of this trilogy before it reverts back to normal, so be on the lookout for the next update! Vote on my poll please.
Five points goes to whoever tells me their favorite crossover pairing. The characters have to be from either Star Wars, Harry Potter, or Lord of the Rings. And the two characters can't be from the same fandom!
The House Cup
Gryffindor: 215 points
Ravenclaw: 177 points
Jedi Order: 130 points
Hufflepuff: 52 points
Slytherin: 51 points
Sith Order: 7 points (Ugh...)
