Wow, this is a long chapter :P
Been a while since our last update, but hopefully this makes up for it!
Storm made the decision to put me in therapy. Group therapy. I was supposed to talk about my past and Harmony with other students that had similar issues. People who could 'relate'. I didn't see the point; no one could understand what I went through and what I continued to feel. Carmen explained that the group was supposed to provide me with support and give me sense of normality.
How could I find normal if I'd never had it in the first place? I wouldn't know normal if it hit me over the head. I had never been normal. Normal people at least had some semblance of the light, and I had only ever known darkness. That darkness was worse than death, because it brought only pain and suffering. It was like the finale right before the curtains closed, the end of the tragic play; the ending has to be memorable. I only wished I could forget.
Another problem was that I had to talk. I don't talk, and if I do, it is rare. I regretted speaking to Rogue; in the end, she used my words against me and forced me into this group therapy that was supposed to help me 'move on'. How could I move on? I wanted to ask her that, but I didn't want to speak with her again. I hated what she did.
Carmen walked me to the room where the group therapy was to take place. Carmen said that she had wanted to walk me there and wish me luck, but I was pretty sure it was requested by Storm to make sure I didn't skip. Carmen looked tired; her arms hung by her side and her feet dragged as we walked the hallways of the school. She had been training with Storm for a week now, attending meditation sessions and trying to control the power she had. I had attended some of the sessions and knew how exhausting they could be. I tried to attend more with Carmen but they always ended with me experiencing flashbacks. Storm had agreed to let me train one on one with another teacher until I could stop the flashbacks or get better at hiding them. I was to start tomorrow; she didn't tell me who I was training with.
We stopped in front of the classroom door. A piece of paper was taped over the original sign with big bold gold lettering Drama Room. Now, the sign read: PRIVACY: Members Only. Not the nicest of signs that I had seen, but I guess it would do. I felt Carmen take my hand and squeeze it tight. Her hands were cold and shaking slightly, and I only squeezed tighter.
"I know you don't like the idea of this, but I think it could help." Carmen seemed even more scared then I was and she wasn't even going into the room. It could also be that I had years of experience in hiding my emotions. I gave Carmen a look; she knew I would rather be back at the MCA than talk about my feelings and my past. The last person I shared everything with died. I hadn't even told her about that yet. We were so close and yeti still had to keep secrets from her. It was for her own protection; I didn't want anyone else to die because of me.
Carmen took both of my hands and looked me in the eyes, "I'll be out here waiting for you. It's only an hour, and every minute I will be out here waiting." I smiled at her and gave her a hug. Somehow that made it a little easier turning the brass door knob and putting one bare foot in front of the other until I sat myself at the only empty chair in the circle.
The group was small, with only five other students plus Bobby. I guessed he was leading the group. I felt them staring, examining me like a test subject ready for experimentation. I didn't like it already. The kids ranged from ten to eighteen. I recognized them all; from the halls, my classes, from them running in terror when Harmony set the school on fire. I had seen them all and they all had their own problems that I hadn't cared about until now. Looking at them as they sat there, I had the sudden feeling that they were some of the few that were like me; they were here to break away from it all and finally be free.
"Welcome, Tacy. Guys, Tacy's going to be joining us during our sessions from now on." The eyes that had been examining me turned and focused on Bobby. The lights suddenly grew brighter, flaring with near blinding light, and smallest boy drew in a surprised breath; I figured his power was the ability to control the light.
"Sorry," the boy squeaked. He had black curly hair and almond shaped eyes that lit up the room. I saw the lights dim back to their normal brightness as his face turned a deep shade of red.
"That's okay, Al. No need to apologize," Bobby said, turning his attention back to the group. "Tacy, would you like to introduce yourself?" Bobby gestured to me, and I again felt everyone's eyes on me. I stared at them blankly. "I guess not. Mind if I do it for you?" I shrugged my shoulders, not really sure how much he knew about me. "This is Tacy, everyone, and she came here as a friend of Carmen's. I really shouldn't say any more about her exact circumstances, unless Tacy is comfortable-"
"You're the one who almost burned down the school?" a girl asked, cutting Bobby off. She wore a heavy amount of black makeup, and wore nothing but black; even her hair and eyes were black. At the time I couldn't tell if her eyes were naturally black or just contacts. She resembled Albus slightly, both of them having the same pert nose on their face.
"Rose, don't be rude," Bobby said calmly. Rose shrugged in her seat and started to playing with the strands of hair that had fallen in her face. The room dimmed as her expression grew even fouler.
"Let's start off where we left off last week. Jeremy, if you would start. Tacy, you can just sit and watch and jump in at any time," Bobby informed me before allowing Jeremy, a tall and very thin boy to start talking. I quickly learned how quickly the group reacted to the others problems and gave answers and suggestions. Bobby did not speak at all during the several discussions, he just sat and listened and played referee when an argument broke out; he was more of a supervisor then one to give answers.
I found that I grew very fond of everyone in the group; they were all in a similar situation to me. They just wanted to be free of the darkness. I related to Rose the best; she had taken care of her brother Albus her whole life. Her parents had always been too busy, never paying either of them any attention. When they did notice their children, it was either to insult them or criticize the mutant population that they were so opposed to. I would guess that they would have funded the MCA, given the chance. When Rose started developing her powers, she hid them and learned to master them on her own; she could bring darkness to anything, yet she couldn't reverse it. Albus was the opposite, with the power to bring light anywhere. When Albus powers first started to show it became difficult to conceal and soon their parents found out. They each tried forcibly giving their children 'the Cure', but Rose and Albus ran away before they could.
I assumed there was more that neither of them shared. I could read it in their eyes and their posture when the subject was brought up. They were hiding another part of the story. I was sure when I saw the scarring on Rose's wrist when her sleeve moved up as she adjusted her seat during Albus' turn to talk.
"What else did you parents do to you, Rose?" I spoke before my actions could be processed. I saw some eyes glaze over slightly at the sound of my voice. Rose, however, looked outraged; the room quickly turned darker. Her skin flushed, and she tried to pull her sleeves down farther, but it only revealed more scarring on her shoulder.
"Tacy…?" Bobby spoke. He shook his head and his eyes cleared. Everyone else was pretty much still in a zombie mode, waiting for my voice. I had forgotten the power of my own voice and regretted speaking right away; not because of what I had said, but for the effect of my voice in general.
"What do you mean? They did nothing, except be lousy parents. We ran away before anything else could happen." Rose shot back. The lights started to flicker; Albus- recovered from the power of my voice- was fighting for power over the lights. Rose seemed to be winning, but Albus fought with all his might. His eyes were squinted and his knuckles went white from concentrating.
"You have scars. I noticed them even when no one else has. They hold a lot of physical pain, but the emotional pain bears an even stronger weight." My words were directed, not just at Rose, but to myself and everyone in the room.
"You know nothing! You don't know what it was like! You don't know what I went through!" Rose yelled back, tears rolled off her cheeks and she lost control of the lights, the lights came back to their full brightness, blinding everyone for a few minutes.
"You want to bet?" I yelled back. I felt the pain I had endured over the years: the insults, the punches, the child that was taken from me, the fire my father used to burn me, and he scars that would always serve as a reminder of what I had suffered. Black dots played in my vision and I could feel myself becoming weaker. The fire inside me roared, and the flames I had suffocated over the years, too afraid of my own power, erupted, encasing me in the flame.
The others backed up startled – not afraid - as if people erupting in flame happened often. I stared at my hands, feeling the flames lick my skin. I hadn't used the fire myself since I killed my family. Harmony enjoyed playing with it once in a while, but I had always been too scared to use it. It felt warm to the touch, but cool at the same time. The chains holding me back, bring me further into the darkness seemed to melt away and I could taste freedom.
A smile played on my lips. I felt in control. I felt free, but I wasn't. A laugh, cruel and despising, echoed in my ears and images of Aiden blocked my vision. I saw his smile, his crystal blue eyes and blonde hair. The image turned too quickly for me to enjoy and I saw his body, lying on his bed in his room, his eyes empty with death. He had died of carbon monoxide poisoning and I watched as the flames roasted his small figure to no more than a crisp.
Bobby made me sit down in my chair, his hand on my shoulders. The flames were gone, the carpet around was crisp and burnt like toast. Everyone sat in their seats, watching me, like some specimen under a microscope. I tried to open my mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
"Tacy, are you okay? Do you need to take a break?" Bobby asked. His hands were cold and I felt them turn to ice. I had heard he could turn into a full on iceman, but had never seen it in person. I shook my head and he backed up, not satisfied, but willing to continue for the rest of the group. Bobby inclined his head towards Rose, but it appeared Rose wasn't paying attention. Her gaze was focused on me and I knew it was my turn to be interrogated.
"What did you mean by when you said, 'You want to bet?'" Rose asked. She sat straight in her chair like she was interviewing me for a position. I stared at her; I didn't know what to say without revealing too much about my past. I didn't even want to speak in the first place. I took a deep breath and thought carefully what I was about to say.
"I didn't know I was mutant until my family died. I burnt down my house, almost killing myself. I was kidnapped by this man named John and was entered against my will into the Mutant Control Agency. It's a 'special place' for class four and five mutants. We ran away to get help, and free the rest of our family. I ruined that when I let Harmony out..." I spoke quietly, trying to minimize the power of my voice. "And now I may never see any of them again, even though so many have died trying to free us." I didn't have to go to into detail. I didn't look at any one as I spoke and traced the tiny scars in my fingers and hands.
I didn't hear anyone speak for a little while; I assumed their eyes were glazed over and in the trance like state that my voice leaves them in. I didn't bother looking up; I didn't want to see their reactions when they finally came to.
"What did they do to you at the MCA?"
"How could you go so long without realizing your power?"
"What else can you do?"
"How many others are there?"
"How many died?"
"What powers do the others possess?"
"How did he find so many class five mutants?"
"Why do you have another personality?"
"Why does Harmony want to burn down the school?"
"How did you get another personality?"
The questions reverberated against my skull and I felt the pressure increase. I didn't want to speak anymore; I didn't want people to know the answers. It wasn't their business, it was mine, and they didn't deserve the answers. The last question, I could answer without speaking, without giving them an actual answer. Al asked the question, a weird one that no one had ever asked me before. "Why don't you wear shoes?" It was so simple, yet complex. The way I answered it I shocked everyone, I hoped it would ban me from group therapy.
I stood up and looked everyone in the eye before undressing. I took off every piece of clothing, except my underwear, revealing the full extent of physical damage I had endured during the years before I killed my family and during my time at the MCA. I kicked my pile of clothes in the middle of the circle and walked out of the room slamming the door behind me. I was never returned that pile of clothes. I always wondered what happened to them, but I would rather not know. Carmen chased me down the hall as I walked back to our room. She was shocked as well; she never asked about the scars. Her most pressing question, however, and the one that she asked when she finally caught up with me was "What the hell happened to your clothes?" And that will forever remain a mystery.
A full answer to Al's question as to why I didn't wear shoes was that my feet are the only things that are not covered in scars. They are the only thing I am not afraid to let everyone else see. It also provides me with a little bit of freedom in my life when I didn't have any.
The next morning I found myself outside in a pair of old sweats that were donated with my hair tied back, waiting in the dewy grass at six in the morning. I was told to be out here to start my one on one training sessions. The sun was slowly rising above the horizon, making the grass sparkle when the sun hit it at the right place.
I looked over to the woods at the edge of the property and found the place where I ran into Carmen and Logan while running away from John. The memory brought a sudden chill to my bones, making goose bumps rise on my arms. I knew I should have grabbed a sweater on my way out, but I doubted that it would stop the feeling of being watched. At the sound of footsteps behind me, I jumped and turned to find Pete coming out through the doors of the school. He carried a duffle bag on his shoulders as he jogged his way towards me. I gave myself one last look at the forest before turning my attention on Pete.
"Glad you made it. I was afraid I would have to drag you out of bed after last night's incident. Also, good to see you're wearing clothes today." Pete laughed. I blushed at the memory of last night and I heard him laugh a little harder. "Don't be embarrassed. Last night was a big improvement. You controlled your powers, and you talked to someone. You opened up a little bit. I'm proud of you."
I looked up at Pete and smiled. He could be so positive even after I almost burned down the school, singed the drama room carpet, and almost set his arms on fire. I signed to him "Thank you. What do you have planned for today? And why are we up so early?"
"I guess the talking is over for you, huh? You're lucky I had Carmen teach me the basics. No big words though, okay?" I laughed, and shook my head as a promise for no more big words. "We're up so early because I prefer running in the morning. And running is what we're going to do today." Pete explained. "But first, I'm going to need you to put on some shoes." I looked down at my bare feet. The grass felt cool, but in a nice and relaxing way.
"You're lucky I brought a pair for you. I had feeling you wouldn't think of shoes." Pete opened his duffle bag and threw me a pair of old running shoes and pair of clean smelling socks. I didn't think of arguing over wearing shoes, and a run sounded good. I couldn't remember the last time I ran without someone behind trying to kill me.
Running was a lot harder than I expected. I was out of shape and was clutching my waist with cramps within fifteen minutes. Pete only laughed and pushed me harder. He was a good coach, giving positive reinforcement and constructive criticisms, and none of it how to do with how good my butt looked. We ran for what I guessed could be an hour, and then Pete made me do a cool down to prevent my muscles from becoming stiff. The run, he said, was just a warm up. I worried to what other activities he had planned.
We did yoga, to allow my body to relax and bring better focus. I followed Pete's instructions. I found myself trusting the guy, he was sweet and nice, and held a certain kind of confidence that didn't make him think he better than anyone, but allowed him to know he was worth it. Pete was one of the few men I trusted in this school, mostly for the reason that he didn't make sexual comments about my body, and because his eyes were too sweet not to trust them. The only thing that I didn't like about Pete was that he reminded me of James. He had the same confidence, the same helpful and caring attitude.
When it came for meditation I was exhausted. I didn't think any flashbacks would happen because I was just too exhausted. I sat on the yoga mat that Pete had gotten of his bag and sat myself in the lotus positions. I breathed in and out, concentrating on my breathing and blocking all outer distractions. I did everything Storm taught me about meditation, I felt my body and let my mind relax.
"Perfect Tacy. Now just concentrate on my voice. I'm going to start some exercises with you to allow you to get comfortable with the powers you possess. We'll start with the fire because it the only one you are willing to try." I nodded my head in agreement.
"There's no one out here except me. You can't hurt anyone, and you won't hurt me." I nodded my head once more. "Picture a match. I now want you to picture the match lit." I pictured the match, a small rectangular stick with a red ball with a white circle on top of it. I them imaged the red and white part alit, a small flame dancing as it soaked in the oxygen around it. "Perfect. Now, imagine a piece of blank paper on fire, not burning, but on fire." I did as Pete said and again I heard him congratulate me. I didn't open my eyes to see what he was so excited about.
This continued and I pictured a leaf of fire, a sock on fire, a small makeup brush on fire, and then he told me to hold out and picture around ball of flames in my hands. I did as I was told and soon after he told me to open my eyes. I looked and saw everything he told me to picture on fire in front of me in the dirt floor at my feet. In my hands, I held a ball of flame. As the fire burned around me on the different objects and in my hands, I tasted the sense of freedom once again and it filled me with a different kind of power that I couldn't describe until now.
"This is all you, Tacy. You did this. Now I want you to close your eyes and put the fires out one at a time." I closed my eyes and concentrated on the match again, but as I did Ilost concentration. The chains enclosed around my throat and ankles and wrists. I dropped the ball of fire and my concentration disintegrated. I couldn't yell for help and I couldn't open my eyes as memories of the Turris Tormenta clouded my vision. For once it wasn't a flashback of my father torturing me, but instead of being chained to the wall as I watched John torture James.
The images came flashing back when we were caught in forest. Being dragged away from each other, our hands outstretched to stop from being separated. I watched in horror as I relived the weeks I spent locked up in the Turris Tormenta. Being beaten, and raped, having James watch the torture I went through. As I watched James being tortured, beaten, electrocuted, suffocated, drowned, cut. His blood staining the floor.
I can hear as James scream in pain and agony begging for it to stop. John promising it would if I told him I loved him. I tried many times, but James always cut me off. I could still feel his touch, as his finger tips and hands press against my body and James cursing at him in the background. I feel it now.
I don't know how long it took Pete to wake me from the nightmare, or how long I stayed in his arms as I cried. I felt like hours before no more tears fell, but the sounds of sobbing still escaped my lips. It took me a while to calm down, to catch my breath, to be able to look at Pete without having the image of James bloody and broken face reappear and the nightmares start over.
"Tacy, it's okay. It was only a flashback." Pete said soothingly, holding me in his arms. I didn't care, it was the one place I felt some safety from the flashbacks. "Do you want to talk about it?" I shook my head no. I couldn't bring it up; I felt the chains tighten around my throat. "That's fine. When you do, I am here for you to talk to... You were doing great, though. How many times have you been able to generate the fire?"
I tried to think of the different times that I had done it myself, without Harmony. "Four times" I choked up. Sobs still escaped me; I tried not to think of those three times. "Once when I killed my family, a second time when James was murdered, last night, and just a few moments ago, before I lost it."
"Your emotions are what triggers you, Tacy. What did you feel, each of those times?"
I took a deep breath trying to collect my thoughts to every time I had triggered fire. Not concentrating on the events, but the moments I had fire what did it feel like and what did I feel after word. "Freedom," I said. "Like nothing could hurt me. The first time I was trying to protect my baby, the second time I was too late, but I was trying to protect James and my family at the MCA. Last night, I felt the angry at my and today… today you reminded me of James."
"I'm sorry" Pete said. He looked really sorry, and guilty for bringing up the memories of James. He lowered his head, and didn't meet my gaze.
"It is a good thing." I smiled just a little, and Pete met my eyes. "James was the first person I could call a friend. The first person I didn't have to be afraid of would hurt me. He taught me how to trust others."
"Did you love him?" The question was sudden and caught me by surprise. I looked at Pete, into his sweet eyes.
"Yes, I did." I admitted. "He was my best friend." No one had asked me that question before. But it was the truth.
Pete stood up and helped me up. We took a walk around the school. Students were running about, I could only assume it was past ten. The slight breeze felt good on my tear stained face, and it was a relaxing feeling. Neither of us spoke until we were about half way around the school.
"Tacy, I am not a doctor, or a psychiatrist... I'm not even an expert on mutations," Pete frowned. "Your powers are based in your emotions, and I'm warning you right now that that is dangerous. Emotions are impossible to restrain or control... just ask Carmen. When you emotions control your powers, it is dangerous. You have every right to feel anger and fear, with the past you have, but you need to come to terms with it if you ever want to control your powers., It's your responsibility."
"What is that supposed to mean?"I asked, slightly confused.
"You have to learn to control your powers without emotions. You may not realize it, but you are speaking to me, and have been for a while and yet I'm not in a trance because of your voice. You're controlling your powers and you don't even realize you're doing it. This shows progress and the fact that there is something inside you fighting to gain control."
"What happens if I don't?" I spoke carefully, and Pete paused to consider the question. His face grew thoughtful and a little sad simultaneously.
"I knew a mutant once. He was a student at this school when I was, and one of my closest friends. Funny, charismatic, smart... Just an all around good guy, you know?" Pete's expression was almost fond, but there was something bitter in his smile. "Then he changed. He let his anger towards the non-mutants get the better of him. He joined the Brotherhood, and helped start the war over 'the Cure'. I don't know how much you know about that, but I had to fight him in the end. And then he disappeared." Pete turned serious eyes towards me. "He let his anger control him, and he became one of the worst mutants out there. I don't want that to happen to you. I won't let it."
The strength in his voice surprised me, and I stood still as Pete made his way back towards the duffel bag he had left on the lawn. He packed his thing and turned towards the school. Just before he could leave ear shot, I called out after him.
"What was the Mutants name?" I asked. Pete paused a moment before answering.
"His name was John." Pete turned around, leaving me with the cool wind blowing through my hair and a tear stained face.
Yeah, I ship these too so much. They need a name. Cyber hugs for whoever can come up with one!
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