Don't Speak
Leto opened the door. It wasn't locked. He frowned as he dropped his rucksack and turned on the lights. His house looked neat, as usual. He heard someone moving in the bedroom. Isabela. She came out of his room, wearing one of his T-shirts. She'd been sleeping there. "So, you're back."
"This is my house," he said calmly. "What are you doing here?"
"I was waiting for you. I was worried," she said, sitting on the arm of the couch. "I didn't know where you'd gone. Running away like this is not like you."
He sneered. "You'd be surprised by the many things I do that aren't like me."
Anders stared at Lucía and then burst into laughter. "I don't know why I'm laughing. It's not even funny. Professor Quentin, your father?" He laughed on.
Lucía took her wallet from her bag and produced a photograph of her family. She slid it across the table for Anders to take a look at it. Anders's smile disappeared from his face when he saw the picture of Malcolm. He looked at her in disbelief.
"Is this a joke?" he asked, bewildered.
"I think Carver asked me the same thing when I showed him a picture of your professor. That night you showed me the magazine with his picture on the cover." Lucía sat back and braced herself against the inevitable question.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Isabela asked. Leto had picked his rucksack and walked to the bedroom.
"I don't want to argue, 'Bela. I really don't. I've just returned from a journey and I'm kinda tired."
"Very well. Where did you spend this past week?"
Leto started putting his clothes in the laundry basket. T-shirts, jeans, socks… He hoped he hadn't forgotten anything. The people from the hotel would let him kn-
"Leto," Isabela's voice sounded sad.
"I went to Tantervale," he said impatiently.
"Tantervale? To your cousin? But… Bianca didn't tell me-"
"I asked Varric not to tell your sister, or you," he sighed.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Anders stared at Lucía.
She smirked. "I could ask you the same thing, but wouldn't that be a childish thing to do... I didn't tell you because I wanted to check the information myself. Family business. My father is gone, around the same time that Professor Quentin disappeared. Carver remembers the name. We've traced my father's birth certificate. It's fake. I guess my name shouldn't be Hawke anymore. I should change it to Amell." She laughed bitterly. "What a sham."
Anders looked at the photo. He remembered the times he'd met Quentin. Lucía took the journal and looked for the passage of her father's vision. She showed it to Anders. He touched the pages lightly, as if they were about to turn to ashes, and read the bit for himself.
"But… He was right. I'd been toying with the idea of asking the university about a course there, in Lothering. If I'd gone there…" He stopped and looked at her. Her eyes were lowered, her cheeks softly blushed. "If I'd gone there," he repeated, "I might have met you before."
"I hope you're joking," Isabela said, fixing her eyes on Leto. "Why?"
"Because I was busy there. Besides, my cousin was sick, and I needed to see him."
"Anders? Why didn't you tell me? Leto," she said softly, as she put a hand over his arm, "I think that we can be honest to each other. I mean, we've been together for quite some time, and you can count on me as a friend." He looked away and she sighed. "Look, I understand what you told me that day. That you're not in love with me. I don't know if I'm in love with you, honestly. I think it's a big thing as well. I'm not as shallow as you might think."
"I don't think you're shallow," Leto protested weakly.
"Right. Listen," she rubbed her forehead. "I never meant to push you into doing something you didn't want to do. Giving you an ultimatum was… I don't know, it wasn't like me."
"Isabela," Leto said, raising his palm. "There's no need to explain. No harm done."
"Shit…" She scratched her head. "I can't find the stupid words to say what I mean to say. Look," she sighed heavily and walked over to where he was standing. "I'd like to erase the last week. Cross it out. Nothing happe-"
He shook his head. "I slept with someone else," he murmured, looking away.
"Really? Is that the only thing you see?" She stood up and pointed to the following passages. "Think about it, Anders. Ever since you met him, you've been plagued with visions. I don't understand what they mean. I know what you two think they are, but me? I just can't fathom the idea – past lives?" She shook her head. "It's just dreams. Strange dreams – just that."
"They're… They're not. Listen," Anders reached out to hold her hand, and there was a sparkle of electricity as their fingers touched. Lucía quickly withdrew her hand, shaking it. Anders put his behind his back. "I'm sorry."
"It's all right," Lucía said, massaging her hand.
He shook his head. "No. Not about this. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to drag you into this. I tried to stay away. I'm sorry for acting like an ass for the past few months. I left you alone, after months of trying to get you into my life. I ran away and hid like an idiot."
"I know you must have had your reasons," Lucía said, backing away and crossing her arms.
Anders grunted. "Maker…" He shut his eyes tight. "Bethany… Some of the visions that can be seen when we scan her dreaming… They're the same as mine. At first it was objects, people… But now it's situations. The medicine is working with her, and she's getting them less frequently. But they're the same, Lucía. And you're in there."
"What?" Isabela said.
"I slept with someone else," Leto repeated, more slowly this time, as if this was the first time he'd said it to himself.
Isabela crossed her arms over her chest and leaned against a wall. "Well… It's… It's fine, I guess. We're not in a serious relationship or anything like that, right?" She smiled briefly. "Besides, I don't think it's strange that a man who's just been out of a… A man who's alone… It's normal to go out and have a fling or have a one-night stand."
Leto didn't reply.
"It was just a fuck, right?" Isabela's eyes searched for the answer in Leto's face.
"No," Lucía said. "You said it yourself, in your journal. I don't have to explain this to you, Anders. You're seeing my face because it's external interference: when we dream, we recycle images-"
Anders took a step forward and held her face in his hands. He closed his eyes and touched her forehead with his forehead very lightly. "How I wish I could make you understand." Lucía looked at him, his brow furrowed. She felt sorry for him. She touched his hands and he opened his eyes, their faces so close now that they could feel each other's breath as if it was their own. Lucía felt her strength abandoning her, her energy drained little by little. Anders's eyes closed and his mouth looked for hers, but as their lips got closer, the words raced through her mind: Maker forgive me but I cannot live without you don't leave me never blame yourself for what will happen what have you done you could have told me it was good to be happy for a while go away I cannot go on without him I'm sorry he will hurt you forgive me go meet your death…
Lucía shuddered and shut her eyes, but now the words had turned into images: Anders fire a kiss fingers around her neck crying Leto arms around her body a knife blood falling embers a sea a ship a lover an embrace escaping a storm water no air hands…
She backed away and detached from him, gasping. Their lips had never met. The images swirled in front of her eyes. Anders was looking at her. "What was that?" she asked, out of breath.
"I don't know what you saw – possibly, what lives inside my head," Anders replied calmly. "I just feel… Lucía, I feel like I've known you for a very long time. That we-"
"There's no 'we', Anders." Lucía said, shaking her head. "You should have told me what you are. I would have understood. Now I don't really know… And I don't buy this whole 'past lives' stuff. I think that we can always break the pattern. Look at what my father did. And he even had his own family, the hypocrite, while telling the rest of the world that amenti shouldn't have children."
"I see," Anders said, holding his journal against his chest.
She looked at him. "You know that I had sex with Leto, don't you?" He gazed at her sadly and nodded, silently. She sighed. "Look… I don't want you to think you have to be with me because of some past-life stuff. Also, it's not flattering. It feels like I'm living somebody else's life. I make my own destiny, and so should you. Forget about these visions. If we…" Lucía stopped, aware of the word she'd just say, "If we decided that we wanted to… try to have something together, we'd have to work for it, like everybody else."
Anders's eyes shot up, a hopeful look flashing in his eyes. "Does that mean…?"
"I'm going away in three months. After I return… We'll see if there's a 'we' for us," Lucía said. "I can't promise anything. But I'll leave that door open."
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Title: a song by No Doubt. One of my favourite ones, and I think the lyrics relate to the story quite well. Or at least, that's what I tried to do :)
