I need teh cheering up because we just finished a whole big thing with volleyball in PE and I was the ONLY girl who would play. It just so happens that I suck at volleyball, and so my team ended up yelling "Jax! What the hell was that?!" a lot. I'm one of those people who will jump out of the way if the ball seems to be coming in my direction.

But enough about my athletic incompetence. Writing is my healing process/drug of choice. Here's chapter 28, which is extra OOC thanks to the hilarious ideas of Kyki- The Late Night Writer, our lucky 400th reviewer. This one's for you.

Disclaimer: Don't own it.



Chapter 28 - Rules of Seduction, Part 2 (or, Kyo Strikes Back)

Kyo knew he was fucked when he'd crashed into her. He knew it when he'd grabbed her laundry in an effort to not behave like a caveman for once. He knew it practically when he'd woken up late that morning to Izi's squeals about new shoes. His instincts had told him it was bad mojo, but of course he hadn't listened.

Now he was paying.

POOF!

Tohru was still kneeling on the ground, laundry basket in one hand and lacy black bra in the other – damn Izi for buying her such sexy underwear! – when he changed back. As it happened, she was at eye-level with his shins. The customary orange smoke clouded his nude form for a few seconds, long enough for Tohru's eyes to widen and Kyo grab a pair of his loose-fitting jeans off the floor. He was a bit surprised that Tohru did not shriek and cover her eyes, as was her usual reaction to a naked post-transformation Sohma. She turned her head away, but Kyo could swear he saw her smile – no, smirk– at his nakedness.

What was that supposed to mean? She'd seen him naked before, so his manhood wasn't exactly anything new to her (well what was he supposed to call it?). It couldn't have been a smirk on her face, could it? Tohru didn't know how to smirk. It didn't add up. Not at all. It must have been a smile.

But then she would be smiling at him without clothes. Smiles equal happiness. She was happy to see him naked?

He'd be happy to be naked with her.

He slapped himself in the face.

"Kyo-kun!" she yelped. "Don't hit yourself!"

He looked at her, then at the bra still in her hand, contemplated smacking himself again, and then crouched down onto the floor and scooped a shirt up over his head. As he helped her clean up the laundry that he had dropped, he discreetly looked her over. Her new short hair – he was still reeling from that one – looked perfect, even when slightly mussed from all the falling down and Sohma explosions; her shirt – one of the new ones from Izi – fit her just right, gliding over her chest and torso like liquid cotton and baring just enough cleavage to make him itch; her skirt – another new one – flared out around her, the rose red a shocking brightness against her pale legs and white shirt.

But the shoes...the shoes were what caught his eye. He didn't recognize them, and Tohru didn't own many heels to begin with. The heel was tall and thin – looked about four inches, at least – and absently he wondered how girls could manage to stand in those, let alone walk and do stuff. They were a shiny black patent leather, and with just the sum of the parts they weren't really that special. But as a whole, they screamed sex. Kyo felt himself blush darkly as he imagined her wearing nothing but those shoes and the bra she still had in her hand.

He was very thankful for the baggy pants.

"... yo-kun? Kyo-kun?"

"Wuh – uh, yes?" he stuttered, snapping his eyes up to her face and forcing his mind out of the gutter.

Tohru half-smiled somewhat shyly. "There's no more laundry on the ground."

"Oh." What, had he just been staring at the carpet for five minutes? Like he needed to look like even more of an idiot in front of her. "I guess you're right."

"Yeah," she said, grinning now. She looked into his eyes for a second, grinned larger, and then quickly looked away. After clearing her throat, she demurely murmured, "Can you help me with something, Kyo-kun?"

He'd help her shop for tampons if that's what she wanted. He'd wear a shirt that said "I Heart Rats" if that's what she wanted. Jesus, he'd eat glass out of the palm of her hand if she asked him to. He never could say no to her anyway, and the crazy feelings he had for her only made it worse.

"Um, sure. With what?"

Instead of answering, she stood up and grabbed both his hands, pulling him up off the floor with all her household-chore-accumulated super strength. The newly-refolded laundry was left ignored in the hallway, but Kyo didn't really care. Tohru was pulling him into her room and he was wondering once again how it was possible to walk in those damn fuck me shoes (it wasn't rocket science figuring out the technical term for them). Once they were both in the room Tohru kicked the door closed; Kyo's eyes widened and for once he allowed himself to hope. The next thing he knew his back was hitting the soft mattress of Tohru's bed. His breath caught in his throat...

...as Tohru held up two dresses on hangers with a chirp of, "Black and white stripes or green geometric patterns?"

His hope was quickly kicked in the nuts, punched in the gut, and shot in the face.

He could only blink. "Wh-what?"

"Which dress do you think would look better with these shoes?" she clarified, the very picture of innocence now despite the shoes in question. "Izi just bought me them both, and I'd really like to a guy's opinion on the matter."

This startled him a little. "Why do you care what guys think of how you look?" he snapped, pushing himself off the bed.

Her face showed surprise and hurt at his tone, so in a gentler voice he added, "Y-you know you look great in anything."

Tohru carefully laid both dresses on the bed before replying, "That's kind of you to say, Kyo-kun. But I...I'm not getting any younger here, and my sense of style so far in my life has been severely lacking in, you know, quality, so I'm just kind of anxious to...um..."

"Tohru." He strode up to her with a look on his face that clearly said Are you shitting me? "Where the hell is all this coming from?" he questioned. "What is going through your head right now? We haven't played Truth in I don't know how long."

She tried to smile but somehow it came out wobbly. "Kyo-kun – "

"No, don't 'Kyo-kun' me," he snapped in the softest voice he could manage. "I want to know what you're thinking. Look at me. No, look at me," he said, taking her chin in his hand and peering into her eyes with the vulnerability only she was allowed to see. "Did Izi say something to you? I could – "

"No!" she insisted, tearing her eyes from his with something that Kyo could only describe as reluctance; but he wouldn't let himself think that. "Izi has been fine, really."

"Then my question is when did the Body Snatchers pay you a visit?"

She laughed.

And it wasn't sexy and sophisticated like you might expect from her if she was a stranger passing by on the street, nor was Kyo's joke terribly funny. But Tohru went on guffawing and snorting a little bit and Kyo was mesmerized by it, just like with everything else she did.

(a/n: Yeah, I really just didn't know end that, so let's just pretend there was a resolution in there.)


The scenes in the hallway and Tohru's bedroom were only the beginning, it seemed, of the weird behavior on Tohru's part that continued for the rest of their winter break. Kyo knew that it was paranoid of him – not to mention that he'd be beyond mortified if anyone found out – but he started keeping a log of all the tantalizing things Tohru was doing around him. He hid it under his mattress, because he was sure that it was such a cliched hiding place nobody would think to look there (he didn't realize that nobody had any reason to search his room in the first place). He had an entry for each day of the week:

Monday – Tohru, Izi, and Shigure sitting at the table, drinking tea, talking about stuff. Izi points out how Tohru's hair is still damp from when some snow fell on her head earlier. Tohru smiles and laughs when she notices, then looks right at me and says, "Snow makes me wet." Shigure giggles. I leave the room.

Tuesday – Tohru hands me my laundry in the hallway. When I get to my room and start to put the clothing in the dresser, I come across exactly two lacy bras and three pairs of equally lacy panties that have static-clung to my clothes. Two out of three of the panties are thongs. My nose starts to bleed. Also, thongs: what the fuck?!

Wednesday – I knock on Tohru's half-open door to ask her if she finished our winter break homework yet. She calls for me to come in. When I enter she swivels around in her wheelie chair where she's working at her desk. Her legs are like
a foot apart and she's wearing a short skirt. I can feel myself reacting when I glimpse something pink under her skirt so I say, "Never mind" and run back to my room.

Thursday – Tohru and stupid Yuki are in the kitchen working on something for lunch (I thought we all agreed Yuki should not be near food ever, so what the fuck?). That damn Rat asks Tohru if he should cut the pork in small chunks. Tohru shakes her head "no" slowly, looks right at me AGAIN, and says, "I like my meat thick." Yuki does not giggle. I leave the room.

Friday – Tohru cooks special end-of-break dinner, wears the locket I gave her for Christmas. Every time she talks, she plays with the locket chain and runs her fingers over her collarbone, which is exposed along with a generous helping of cleavage. I try to look at her face when she speaks to me, but I know the Rat catches me peeking at her chest because he gives me a Super Death Glare – I am warned. I resolve not to look anywhere but Tohru's eyes and my food for the rest of the meal. My resolution is ruined when Tohru jumps up from her seat and I see her underwear again (bright blue this time). Then, when she returns from the kitchen with a pitcher of that fruit juice Shigure asked for, she leans over the table and I get a very clear look down her shirt. I fake a loud coughing fit to cover up the whimper/moan that clogs my throat. Izi smirks at me.

Kyo could not take much more of this torture. The long days were filled with Tohru's skimpy outfits and unconscious one-liners ("I don't think it's long enough; Sorry, this is my first time; It tastes so good in my mouth." Etc.) and the even longer nights with tossing, turning, heavy breathing, and dreams that were either very, very good or very, very bad. He was actually thankful for school to be starting again, if only that it meant he had less time to watch what he couldn't have dipped in edible body paint and dangled in front of him. He was quite sure he would go crazy soon.

Then, on the Sunday before they went back to school, Izi flounced into his room and dropped on the bed a stack of magazines thick enough to break a grown man's toe.

"Can I help you?" Kyo spat, glaring at the various girly mags on his bed: Cosmo, Elle, Vogue, Allure, Glamour, Marie Claire, etc., all sporting covers with stick thin, scantily clad women and brightly colored headlines that said things like Let's Talk About Real Sex! and How to Get A Flat Belly in 2 Weeks! and 37 Ways to Get Him to Notice You! Kyo felt slightly sick looking at them, but that could have been attributed to the mixed odors of the perfume samples each magazine was packed with.

"No," Izi replied haughtily, "but you can help yourself."

He raised his eyebrows and did his best to look disinterested, even though inside he was quite curious as to Izi's cockier-than-usual attitude and one magazine that screamed the headline Who's Your Dream Guy? Real Women Talk! Stupid estrogen rag; he hadn't even opened one yet and already he was wondering if Tohru had the same definition of "dream guy" as these Real Women.

"What do you mean? What are we gonna do with the magazines?"

"You," Izi corrected, "are going to go through these and get the information you need. Think of it as getting in the enemy's head."

Kyo rolled his eyes. "I'd hardly consider Tohru 'the enemy.'"

She rolled her eyes back. "You know what I mean." Then she turned to leave, shocking Kyo.

"What, you aren't staying?"

Glancing at him like Nah, dinkus, she said, "You don't need my help reading. This is something you gotta do on your own. Your fairy godmother has already turned your pumpkin into a carriage." She smirked at him, then turned around and continued out the door. "It's up to you to get your dress, princess."

He flipped her off, but she was already gone.

After at least three hours of the most lethal reading he'd ever experienced, Kyo wanted his brain to explode just so he'd be put out of his misery. There seemed to be a theme with most of the magazines: average women were ugly, beautiful women were average, alien-looking women were beautiful, and all of them could look better. Nearly every page boasted some remedy for cellulite, wrinkles, body fat, singleness, and unfullfilling sex lives. Men who wouldn't commit were the enemy; calorie-free, real food substitutes were the ally. If you were skinny, you could always be skinnier. And if you didn't have good hair, you must spend money to fix it.

Kyo couldn't figure out why women actually bought these rags, as the main focus seemed to be to make them feel worse, not better. No matter how pretty, how interesting, how thin, how tastefully accessorized a woman was, there would always be another woman that was better. Which Kyo supposed was true anyway, and it applied to men too, but that didn't mean he wanted to pay money for a couple hundred glossy papers selling him useless shit and telling him how worthless he was (he was a Sohma after all, so he got the latter for free).

All in all, the only thing he learned from the whole mind-numbing ordeal was how glad he was that Tohru wasn't shallow enough to buy into this crap. The fact that she was so smart and well-balanced made if – if possible – even sexier to him. Emotionally sexy, which he had previously not been aware was an actual thing. That was how special she was.

He was not even going to wonder if that had been Izi's goal. It probably was, but he desperately needed to rest. His poor man-brain hurt too much from trying to figure out the devious creature that was Woman.


School began again rather uneventfully. Mayuko and Izi fell back into lessons, Yuki into his student council stuff, and Tohru into her every day Tohru-ness. The daily household chaos became mundane once again, and Kyo was grateful for the lack of unpredictability that had seeped back into their lives. Tedious bedlam was so comfortable after Christmas From Hell, it's cousin New Year's, and the That's What She Said-fest that made up the rest of break.

He should have known it wouldn't last.

Well, it sort of did, for about a month. It was February seventh now, exactly one week until the Worst Holiday Ever, aka Give Lots of Money to Hallmark Day, aka Show Off Your Domestic Happiness to the Poor Single Slobs Day, aka Not a Good Time to Dump Someone Through a Text Day.

Valentine's Day, to be exact.

And Kyo was scared.

One, because there was the constant looming threat of Kagura showing up and mauling him - he figured, since she'd been so absent this past year, this Valentine's Day would put him in the hospital. Two, because it was his first Valentine's Day that he actually wanted to spend with someone (it didn't help that it was the one person he couldn't ever be with). And three, because it was starting again.

"My boss has been really riding me lately."

That's.

"Ow! That was too hard."

What.

"No, I can do it standing up."

She.

"I wouldn't just blow you off like that."

Said.

Kyo didn't know where she was getting these. But it seemed like every other thing coming out of her mouth (that's what she said) was an innuendo. He wanted to believe Tohru had no idea she was doing it (that's what she said), but he'd remember the very deliberate ways she'd look at him over break before saying these things, and then he wasn't so sure.

Of course, Tohru didn't say these things when she was called on in class or talking with students she didn't know – that would have really scared Kyo. But around him, Uotani and Hanajima, and all the Sohmas that attended the school, Tohru became the "she" in "that's what she said."

Uotani and Hatsuharu, who were both well versed in the fine art of sex jokes, would grin and say, "That's what she said!" for the first day or so. But after the sex jokes started showing up in every conversation (that Kyo was present for, at least), they became bored and started to ignore the innuendo. Sometimes laughter would break into their group chats, but on the whole the insinuations were not acknowledged by anyone other than Kyo.

Ah, Kyo: he feared his face would be permanently stained red after all the blushing he was doing these days. To hear Tohru say such unintentionally sexy things was driving him crazy. Even more so after everyone else stopped reacting. The obvious answer to his problems was staring him in the face, but he was being stubborn. However, time was running out and he could kill two birds with one stone if he'd just suck up his pride and ask, so...

"Izi."

It was after class, February seventh, and Kyo needed advice from the communal Sohma fairy godmother. But as she looked up from the papers in front of her with a killer smirk and scheming eyes, he felt a bit sick.

"Yeah?"

Kyo glanced quickly at Mayuko, who was sitting at her desk and grading their latest homework assignment, then motioned for Izi to meet him out in the hallway. She rolled her eyes at him but followed.

"I repeat: yeah?" Izi cawed with her hands on her hips.

Squirming slightly, Kyo looked over both shoulders to make sure nobody was listening. After he repeated the gesture – twice – Izi smacked his shoulder and demanded he tell her what he wanted, claiming she "had shit to do."

"I need your help," he muttered.

"With?"

"With... stuff."

"Kyo, if you're going to be like this then I'm not gonna help – "

"Okay, okay!" He sighed a heavy nobody-gets-me sigh. "It's about Tohru –"

"Thanks, I'd guessed that."

" – and the things she's been saying," he finished, glaring at her for interrupting. Then his face turned back to pathetic, reaching out to Izi and pleading that she knew what he was talking about.

No luck, though: she just raised an eyebrow in confusion. "By which you mean...?"

"Oh, God," he groaned. "Don't tell me you haven't noticed it either!"

"Noticed...?"

"Fuck," he grumbled. His fingers went to his hair and he pulled in frustration. He gave a small scream. He turned and kicked a locker loudly. Izi watched in alarm. Then, he just stopped, stood up straight, and turned back to face Izi with a shockingly calm expression. In an equally composed voice, he said, "This past week, and the week before winter break ended, every other sentence she says is a 'that's what she said' joke."

When he paused, he gave her look like Need I say more? Apparently he did have to say more, though, because Izi cleared her throat in a paltry cover up for her laugh.

"Do you have any..." She snickered, then took a deep breath. "...Ahem, examples?"

"How can you not have heard her?!" he demanded. "Every. Fucking. Sentence. I swear to God! I swear!"

"Kyo," she laughed, "maybe it isn't Tohru's dirty mouth. Maybe it's your perverted ears." At Kyo's incredulous expression, she laughed again and said, "I'm serious. Give me some examples, and I'll be the judge of if it's sexy or not."

He glared at her. "Fine." And so began part two.

Fifth period, yesterday – Group project in history, Tohru and Uotani agree for the group we'll study Australia. Tohru blinks several times, glances at me, and says, "I wonder what it's like, being down under?"

Lockers, yesterday – Tohru looks up and sees some girl's jacket. She smiles and says, "Ooh, I love her thing!"

Lockers, this morning – Haru and Momiji talking about the running test they have to do in PE this week. Haru brags that it will be too easy, he could run from dawn until dusk (his actual words). Tohru grins and says, "Do you think you could really go all day long?"

Third period, today – Starting our still-life unit in art class. Sensei puts a bowl of fruit on each table, of apples, grapes, bananas

"Okay, okay, okay," Izi cut in, "don't go on about the bananas, I get the idea."

"Do you see?!"

"Kyo," she started in a tone he knew would grow to be condescending very soon. "Let me just start off by saying, words mean nothing."

He blinked. "I - "

"Don't interrupt, sweetie. Words mean nothing – it's the emotion and the intent behind those words that make a difference. For example..." She pasted on a big happy I-love-everyone! grin, then chirped, "I hate your filthy guts!" in such a bubbly tone Kyo thought he misheard her at first.

"I...I don't..."

The grin dropped. "You wanna know what happy thoughts were going through my head just then? 'I love rainbows and unicorns and pixie dust and kittens.' Words are meaningless without tone, inflection, intent, body language, et cetra."

"As interesting as all that is," Kyo said, "what the hell does it have to do with anything?"

She rolled her eyes at his impatience. "My point, smart ass, is that how do you know Tohru is implying anything remotely sexual with these comments? You know how naive she is."

Kyo wanted to agree with this, but a part of him was reminded him of all those little Looks she kept giving him. Her eyes said she was anything but naive. In fact, if Kyo let himself fantasize freely without wanting to maim himself, and if he linked what she had been saying to those Looks, her eyes told him very detailed stories of the many disgusting things she would do with/to him were there no witnesses.

But Kyo couldn't tell Izi that. He could barely tell himself that.

So instead, he countered with, "How do you know she isn't implying anything sexual?" and thought, Wow. Where'd these balls come from?

Izi laughed as if she could hear his thoughts. "Wow. Where'd those balls from?"

"Fuck you."

"Sorry, you're not my type."

Glare-fest.

As Izi had eight years more experience on Kyo, he was the first to look away. Izi: 1. Kyo: zip.

But her fairy godmother genes seemed to be kicking in again, because she smiled a benevolent, vaguely intimidating smile and lightly touched Kyo's shoulder. "On the other hand, sweetie, her intent could be to freak the bejeezus out of you, and flirting so much is a surefire way when, y'know, she's her and you're you."

He stared at her.

"Wait, that came out wrong, didn't it? Not 'freak the bejeezus out of you.' Maybe..." She pursed her lips and let a pregnant pause take the air.

With obvious impatience, Kyo prompted, "Maybe what?"

"Maaaay-beeee," she continued, stretching the word out much more than necessary, further pissing Kyo off. "Maybe she's flirting with you because she's interested in you."

Rather than be elated at this, Kyo felt as if something sharp was being shoved into his chest. He couldn't let himself entertain the possibility that Tohru felt for him even a fraction of what he felt for her. No - the truth would hurt even more if he dared get his hopes up.

Lowering his eyes, he surprised himself and Izi by saying in a low, even voice, "I'm not...trying to be pessimistic here. But if I let myself think that – "

"You'll what?" Izi demanded, suddenly angry. "You'll find yourself feeling human emotions for once? You'll be vulnerable? Well here's the deal, Kyo: if you want to grow at all as a human being, if you want to live your life in any satisfying way, you're gonna have to put your head on the line sometimes. You can't hide from it. You just can't."

The only response he could think to summon was a half-hearted smile and a few mumbled words: "Sucks, doesn't it?"

She didn't smile back. "Kyo, you need to stop doubting yourself and just jump into this head first. If you think she'd flirting with you, then flirt back. Don't disappear inside yourself because of our fucked-up family."

"But what if she isn't flirting with me? I'll look ridiculous."

"Kyo." She sighed heavily, her mouth twisting in an embarrassed way. "I lied before. I know she's been saying all the unintentional 'that's what she said' jokes. And trust me - she's been flirting with you. Like, majorly. Like, you'd have to be blind and deaf not to realize it. I'm thinking you should get your eyes and ears checked, actually."

He was shocked. And kinda outraged. And a tiny bit murderous. Incredulously, he said, "Wait, so that whole bit before was all you messing with me? You made me list off all those sex joke moments like a stalker just 'cause you were bored? What the fuck?"

"Oh, Kyo, it wasn't because I was bored," she explained tiredly. "Don't flatter yourself. It just so happens I have...an arrangement with someone, and it was crucial that I pretended you were losing your shit about the Tohru thing. And no, I can't tell you who I have this arrangement with, so don't bother asking," she added when he opened his mouth to interrupt her again. "In fact, I'm breaking several deals right now just telling you about it. But you were so pathetic back there that I just couldn't stand by and watch you suffer any longer."

She put both hands on his shoulders, surprising him.

"The next time she says something 'that's what she said'-worthy, respond with something just as dirty. And you can't look back once you start doing this thing."

In the midst of the new-found – if not shaky – drive he was feeling about going after Tohru, mixed with the annoyance that Izi had been tricking him and the gratitude that Izi was helping him, added to the lingering depression from the supposed hopelessness of the entire situation, Kyo cracked a lewd smile.

"That's what she said."


And so, with new determination fresh in his mind and almost no butterflies in his stomach, he set off for home. Snow was still on the ground and the air was cold in a dry, cutting way, but Kyo barely noticed any of it as he practically ran to Shigure's house. He was trying to think of suitable comebacks for whatever Tohru might say when he got home, but everything he came up sounded like lines from a cheesy porno (not that he knew what cheesy porno sounded and/or looked like). Still trying to be optimistic, though, he managed to convince himself it would probably be a spur-of-the-moment-type dealie.

However, his cynicism was showing: a voice in his head told him there was a very good chance he was end up gaping at her like a red-faced fish the next time she declared something was "hard." Well, considering his track record, it wasn't exactly unlikely, but still...

Upon crossing the threshold and removing his shoes, Kyo called out to see if anyone was home. He knew Yuki had Student Council shit today, since there was that stupid boring announcement during homeroom, and Shigure had said something at breakfast about meeting his editor for a late lunch – God knew what that was code for – but he had to know if Tohru was there, or worse: if they had guests over.

Not that he didn't like being alone in the house with Tohru, but at this moment he was starting to greatly fear confronting her with a dirty retort. He was now onto hoping he wouldn't get a chance to hear her say anything worthy of a dirty retort at all.

"Kyo-kun? Is that you?"

Shit.

"Um, yeah. Where are you?" he called to her, his eyes squeezed shut and his hand scratching the back of his head.

"Living room!" she called back cheerfully, blissfully unaware of the thunderous beating of Kyo's poor nervous heart. He was surprised she couldn't hear it thump thump thumping from where she stood, several rooms over.

He trudged to the living room, frantically going over the cheesy-porno responses he'd though of earlier. He figured something was better than nothing, even if something would probably make Tohru slap him.

Entering the living room, his thought was another very eloquent 'Shit': Tohru was standing on a stool, still wearing her short short short uniform skirt, hanging a picture and giving Kyo a very clear view of her ass.

Kyo felt a strong sense of déjà vu, except for the part where Tohru was wearing a thong.

Holy...

Fuck Izi.

But seriously...what the fuck? It was a good WTF? moment – Kyo had nothing against Tohru's ass (that's what she said) – but still very, very confusing. Tohru and thongs did not work together in the same sentence. In the same universe. It was like a snake wearing mittens, or a fish riding a bicycle. It shouldn't be.

And yet it was.

And Kyo liked it.

He could have easily stood there forever, gazing at Tohru's lovely behind, but his lady love chose that exact moment to glance over her shoulder and see him. She smiled cheerfully, and Kyo instantly felt guilty for ogling her. She stepped down from her stool, thankfully making it impossible for Kyo to see up her skirt unless he dropped to the floor at her feet. But since being in love hadn't destroyed all his sanity (yet), he flicked his eyes up to hers.

"Kyo-kun," she said, still cheerful but with an underlying tone of who-knows-what (Kyo had an inkling of what, though). He tried to think what innuendos she might be able to come up with now – they were just kind of standing in the living room, so he figured maybe he'd have more time. "What do you think of the picture?"

"Hmm?" he asked eloquently. "What picture?"

"The...one I was hanging just now?" she prompted. Turning around to the wall she'd been facing earlier, she said, "I wanted to put it higher, but even I'm the stool I'm too short." She giggled.

Without barely thinking, Kyo said, "I can hang it higher."

"Oh, could you Kyo-kun? Thank you!"

She stepped out of the way for him to step onto the stool. As he got up, he finally noticed what the picture was: a family portrait. But it wasn't a bunch of Sohmas gathered in their Sunday best against a tacky blue background or anything planned at all. It was in black and white, in Shigure's kitchen, featuring the Dog, Yuki, Kyo, and Tohru. Shigure was at the refrigerator, looking in with a mildly bored expression; Yuki stood near the sink, a potato peeler in one hand and a confused look quirking his eyebrow up; Kyo was off the to side with his hand covering most of his mouth, hiding one of the rare smiles he let anyone but you-know-who see; and Tohru was at the center of it, her profile grinning at her adoptive family. She wasn't wearing any makeup and her hair – cut short, so the picture must have been taken recently – was slightly mussed, matching the level of cosmetic preparation of the three men behind her (which is to say, none). She looked so natural, as did everyone else. It was a snapshot out of their daily lives, and it made a spot of heart-shattering sadness form in Kyo's stomach – as if, even unconsciously, he knew that scenes like this would being coming to an end not too far in the future.

"Kyo-kun?" he heard Tohru say softly, none of the pep or concealed who-knows in her voice anymore. "Are you alright?"

"Um." He cleared his throat and gave her quick false smile. "Yeah, yeah, my stomach just feels a little funky," he half-lied. Gripping the picture more firmly, he lifted it up and asked her if that was high enough. When she said it was, he was handed a small nail and hanger thingy – whatever that was called. He put the picture up and stepped off the stool, asking Tohru if it looked alright.

She stared at it for a long minute, a small, suspicious smile growing on her face that Kyo certainly did not feel comfortable with. She brought one hand up to her mouth and bit slightly on one long fingernail. After an excruciating period of silence, she moved her gaze from the picture to Kyo.

"I don't know," she declared in a low, seductive voice that made Kyo itch way down in his toes. "Can you make it straighter?"

Before this moment, Kyo had not been aware that if he wanted to badly enough, he could make himself stop blushing. He discovered that if he put his mind to it and thought the unsexiest thoughts possible, his blush was shrivel up and die a horrible, painful death. So, while time slowed down and his brain worked at super speed, he reminded himself of Izi's advice: respond with something just as dirty. So he shooed away the cheesy porno responses and forced himself to think unsexy thoughts, those of which included (but were not limited to) Akito's face; Yuki's freakishly smooth and pale little girl legs; Kazuma-san naked; and Shigure's gorier, more graphic stories. (Other gems involved a hungover Izi with no makeup and Kagura's underwear/attempts at seduction.)

He took a long time just letting the growing smirk consume the whole lower half of his face, his response forming in his head. Tohru looked on expectantly – maybe she was surprised at his lack of blush, maybe even anticipating him to run away or something. Either way, she clearly was not expecting what he did do.

"Can you help me?"


It should be illegal how much fun I had writing this chapter. Really. Um, especially considering how ridiculously late this update it. I be mucho lame. And most of the credit for this chapter should go to Kiki- The Late Night Writer for her pants-pissing hysterical ideas.

On that note, have any of you realized how easy it is to make That's What She Said jokes at a Christmas tree lot? Everybody is saying stuff like "That one is huge!" and "I like the size of this one." But there were a lot of small children running around so I felt I shouldn't say anything – let them keep their innocence at least slightly longer than I did (I am exaggerating, but not by much). (Also, that's what she said.)

Happy holidays to all. Go enjoy your families and watch A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All, even if you don't celebrate it. It's fucking art, I promise you. Also, there probably won't be another update from me anytime soon, sorry if that's a disappointment to you...

Jax