Whenever I think about what I lost,
I change my mind instead to what I still got
Cause I've got you, I said I got you
You can call me Papa, and I'll call you Baby

Monday was always the longest day of the week, the day when everyone had to do a little extra to help process the backlogged weekend cases. Derek always had an especially full schedule at the beginning of the week, as he faced the inevitable battles with other department heads, who were all dealing with the same problem, for limited OR space. When he finally collapsed into bed late on the evening of Monday, March 11, Meredith was already asleep and had probably been so for several hours. Within minutes of lying down, he fell almost immediately asleep as well. Until Meredith woke him up.

"Derek?"

He heard her asking for him quietly, but urgently, and felt her hand on his shoulder, but he couldn't make himself open his eyes yet. He was lying on his side, with his back towards her. When he didn't move or say anything else, she shook him again. "Derek, wake up."

Over the past few weeks, as the baby's due date got closer and Meredith grew more uncomfortable and unable to sleep completely through the night, she got in the habit of waking him up for every little thing. Sometimes, she wanted food, and other times she had a thought she wanted to share or a question she wanted to ask. A lot of the time, she was just bored and unable to sleep and wanted him to talk to her. She reasoned that if she had to suffer, he did too, at least for this part. Fortunately, she wasn't a picky conversationalist on these kind of nights. Usually, she would just lay back and close her eyes, and they'd talk about anything. Last night, they played 'would you rather' for over an hour before she finally drifted off to sleep, leaving him to ponder the choice of never cutting his toenails again or never brushing his teeth again.

Before he opened his eyes this time, he half-started to think of a comparably disgusting choice to pose her with. Mostly, he just hoped that she would go back to sleep. "What do you need?" he mumbled.

"I need you to wake up."

He groaned a little and rolled over on to his back, but didn't open his eyes yet. "I'm up."

"No, you're not."

She grew quiet, and for a second, Derek thought that maybe she had given up and would just try to go back to bed on her own, but then she spoke up again. "I'm pretty sure I'm in labor."

Well, he could just forget about sleeping now. He opened his eyes and propped himself up on his elbow to find her facing him, doing the same thing. She looked remarkably calm, completely different from how she behaved when she went into labor with Emily. "Really?" he asked.

"Well, I had some pain this afternoon, but it went away, and now I've been up for a little while and they're regular, about every ten minutes," she said. "So yeah, I'm pretty sure."

"You could have led with that!" he said

"Just wake up when I say to next time!" she countered.

"You want to go to the hospital?" he asked.

"No, let's just wait. It'll be a big enough spectacle when we get there. And we have time. I'm ok."

"We'll just hang out here for awhile then."

The fatigue was still there, nagging at him as much as he tried to fight it. But the excitement of what the next day would bring countered the exhaustion, and lessened his craving for sleep. Both of them laid back down to wait for the next contraction, but after a moment of thought, he propped himself back up.

"Wait, you were having contractions this afternoon?" he asked. "Why didn't you page me?"

"They went away," she said. "I didn't need you."

"You didn't operate this afternoon, did you?"

"No, I just had a few consults. I haven't been on many surgeries this week."

He did that on purpose, and she knew it. Any other time, she would have fought him hard on it, told him that she could take care of herself and exactly where he could go and what he could do when he got there. But as they moved into her ninth month, and he made it his first priority to get her to take it easy, she didn't say anything about her noticeably lighter schedule. He wanted her to get as much rest as she could, and all she really wanted to do for weeks was sleep anyway. They organized her schedule this way without ever talking about it, and now she was only going into labor ten days early. They'd given this baby an extra eleven days that Emily didn't have.

"Does Emily have a bag packed?" Meredith asked.

"She was three weeks early," he replied. "I've had a bag packed for her since the beginning of the month in case this one decided to show up early too."

"Ok." She nodded to herself and closed her eyes, pressing her fingertips to her forehead with both hands. "What's today? Tuesday?"

"Yeah. It's after midnight, right?" he wondered aloud. He rolled back over a little and saw that the clock by his side of the bed read 1:39. "Yeah, Tuesday."

"Lexie's on-call then," she said, her eyes still closed. "Cristina's not officially on-call, but she's probably at the hospital anyway. I think Alex and Izzie are home, but if not, call Mark, ok?"

"You memorized your friends' schedules?"

She opened her eyes and looked right at him. "I've never done the second kid thing. We needed a couple options for what to do with the first one while we're gone having the second one."

He chuckled at that, but a moment later, when she reached for his arm and gripped hard, turning on her side a little with the pain, he snapped into coach mode. With his free arm, he rubbed her thigh under the covers and let her squeeze his arm as hard as she wanted to.

"Do you need anything?" he asked gently.

"No, I just want you," she replied through gritted teeth.

He tucked a loose lock of hair back behind her ear, and rested his hand on her tensed shoulder. "I'm right here."

They managed to stay in bed for the next two hours, barely changing their original positions. Lying on their sides, they faced each other, sometimes drawing close to each other so she could hug him and sometimes a little further apart while she dozed between contractions. He wanted her to rest as much as she could before it got worse, so they hardly spoke.

Eventually, Meredith pushed against him, trying to use him as leverage to help herself sit up. So far, deep breathing was a sufficient coping technique, but when she woke him up, she had been alert but calm, and within the past twenty minutes or so, she started to get restless. At first, she simply squeezed his arm or his hand with each contraction. Now, she couldn't help but moan a little through the past two or three of them. He silently helped her sit up, with both of their pillows behind her, and that worked for a little while longer. When she started to swing her legs over the side of the bed, he stopped her.

"What do you need?" he asked. "I'll get it for you."

"I want to get in the shower."

"Let me run the water so it's hot, ok?" he said. "Two minutes."

She nodded, and once he had turned the shower in the master bathroom on, he turned around to see her pacing deliberately around the bedroom, both hands splayed across her lower back.

"Is it ready?" she asked.

He nodded, and she nodded gratefully. "Do you want me to get in with you?" he asked, worried that a sharp pain could cause her to slip and fall.

"No."

"I'm just going to sit right here then," he said as he put the lid of the toilet seat down and took a seat.

She nodded and, after stripping her clothes off, stepped into the shower, letting the hot stream of water rain down on her lower back. She sighed with relief, and all he could do was pray that the hot water supply would hold out for as long as she needed.

"That feels better," she said.

With no clock in plain view, Derek lost track of how long they stayed in there and how far apart Meredith's contractions were. They seemed like they were getting stronger, if only because she didn't seem like she could get through them silently anymore, but she still wasn't so far along that she couldn't relax between them. In the minutes between the end of one contraction and the beginning of the next, it almost felt like it was any other morning, and they were just getting ready for work.

"Hey, Mer," he said after a few contractions' worth of silence on his part while he tried to come up with something to take her mind off the pain. "Would you rather eat only mustard for a month, or lick the sidewalk of an entire city block one time?"

"You're disgusting," she said, laughing.

Her breath caught in her throat, and she moaned loudly, like the pain took her by surprise that time. He couldn't see her from where he was sitting, but he heard her hand smack against the shower wall as she tried to find support. Even though the water was helping to take the pain away, he wished she would get out for exactly this reason. He could just see her falling the next time the pain crept up on her unexpectedly.

She got through it with quiet little moans, ones he could barely hear over the rush of the water, and after a few seconds, it was over.

"The street thing," she said.

"Really? You don't know what the hell you're putting your mouth on."

"Yeah, but it would only take five minutes. You'd do the mustard thing?"

"I'd think about it. What city I was in at the time would have a lot to do with my decision."

"Good point."

He tried to think of another one, but before he could pose the question, she cried out, let her voice catch, and then releasing it in quieter, punctuated whimpers.

"Meredith, do you want to go?" he asked.

"No, I'm ok," she said when it was over. "Just don't leave, ok?"

All he wanted to do was put her in the car and go. They could control this in almost every way within the four walls of the hospital. Meredith could have an epidural if she wanted it. A doctor who actually delivered one or two babies after her internship year could preside. It would have made him feel better. But he had to keep reminding himself that it wasn't about making him feel better. He was just nervous, not in any physical pain. If Meredith wanted to stay, then he trusted her to know her body. They could stay.

"I'm not going to leave," he assured her.

They let the rest of the night pass that way, alternating getting in and out of the shower for as long as the hot water held out. Meredith's fingers were still thoroughly wrinkled when she got back in the shower just before dawn. After the first shower, Derek changed into a short-sleeved t-shirt and stuck his entire arm into the water for her to use for support. All of a sudden, he heard a splash, like she was wringing her hair out and lots of water was hitting the floor all at once. In that moment, she gripped his arm so hard that she nearly broke the skin. She was quiet, but he heard her perfectly clearly when she said, "My water broke."

It had taken hours and hours to get to this point with Emily, and frankly, he was a little stunned that it was happening now after only five with this baby. He wondered how much time they had left, and he couldn't help but ask her, "Can we go to the hospital now?"

She didn't hesitate before replying, "Yeah, we need to go. Can you call Izzie?"

She turned the water off, and when she stepped carefully out of the shower, he had a dry towel waiting for her. "I'll get dressed and wake up Emily," she said.

"No, no, no. Just get dressed," he said. "I'll get her. We probably shouldn't let her wake up too much. Hopefully she'll go back to sleep once she gets to their house."

He made a quick phone call to Izzie to let her know they would be dropping Emily off there in a little while, and then waited while Meredith changed and blow-dried her hair until it was only slightly damp instead of soaking wet. He then helped her settle on the living room couch, and dashed back upstairs to get Emily.

He knew he was probably forgetting a million things, and he tried to go through what some of them might be while he pulled Emily's covers back. They had Meredith's bag and Emily's duffel containing a change of clothes and some things for her to play with, and he guessed that was all that really mattered. He rummaged through Emily's top dresser drawer for some socks to put on her bare feet, and then scooped her up into his arms. Her blonde hair was unruly, and if he could have pulled it back without waking her up, he would have, just so he could see around it well enough to get down the steps without breaking an ankle.

When he got downstairs, Meredith was standing ready with Emily's coat, and he held her while she threaded Emily's arms through the sleeves.

"Daddy?" Emily mumbled, lifting her head up as if to look around but without ever opening her eyes.

"Em, we're going to take you to Izzie and Alex's house, ok?" he said in a voice that was almost softer than a whisper, hoping that she would think they got called in to see a patient and not that Meredith was going to be the patient. "Mommy and I have to go to the hospital. Just try to go back to sleep and we'll see you tomorrow."

When they loaded Emily into her car seat, she was still extremely groggy and he hoped that she would just fall back to sleep. He didn't know if it was the cold air or the noise they were trying to keep to a minimum, or just the simple act of being woken from a sound sleep, but Emily spent the first five minutes of the ride waking up, not falling back to sleep.

Meredith's contractions were still seven minutes apart, but it seemed like as soon as her water broke, the pain intensified that much more, hitting her like a ton of bricks. She had her eyes closed and her lips pursed like she was trying so hard to be absolutely silent. Her entire body tensed, and though she tried her best, she couldn't help but whimper a little when her contractions peaked.

"Mom?" Emily asked. When Meredith couldn't respond, she asked again, her voice wavering.

Meredith shook her head and gripped her chair's arm rest, and Derek glanced in the rearview at Emily, who was now wide awake. "Mommy's ok, Em," he said.

"Why is Mommy hurting?"

"The baby is ready to come out, and that makes Mommy's belly hurt," he explained. "Remember how we talked about that?"

"I'm ok, Em," Meredith said as soon as she could. She turned a little in her seat so she could look at Emily. "We'll see you in a little bit. Alex and Izzie will bring you to the hospital as soon as they can."

Though they tried to explain and comfort as best they could, by the time they made it to Alex and Izzie's house a little while later, Emily was nearly in tears. He parked in the driveway, and scooped Emily into his arms, realizing that she didn't have any shoes on. He couldn't even remember if they put an extra pair in her bag for her.

"We'll see you really soon, ok, Bean?" he said, trying not to rush so much that she would notice. He slung her bag over his shoulder and started to carry her up the steps to the house, but Emily leaned out of his arms and cried, "Mommy!"

Meredith opened her door, and Emily reached out from Derek's arms for a reassuring hug and kiss. "I'm ok," Meredith promised. "Everything's ok. You don't have to be scared, I'll see you soon."

Emily nodded hesitantly, convincing neither of them, but Derek shut Meredith's door and carried Emily up to the open front door.

Alex and Izzie, still in their pajamas, held the storm door open for them and ushered them inside. Derek set Emily in her stocking feet down on the floor, but as soon as he did, she turned and reached to be picked up again.

He didn't want to oblige her, knowing that it would take another ten minutes to get out the door and continue on to the hospital if he did, but Alex picked her up without a word instead.

"Hey, buddy, you're going to be a big sister!" Izzie said, and Derek hoped that some of her enthusiasm would transfer to Emily. "Where's Mer?"

"She's in the car."

"How is she?"

"She's good," he said, feeling a strong sense of urgency to get back to her. "She's managing."

"Tell her we can't wait to see the baby!" Izzie said. "And that there is no shame in an epidural."

He smiled. "I'll let her know."

"Should we take her to school?" Izzie asked, taking Emily's bag from Derek.

At the mere mention of school, Emily's eyes filled with tears and she looked at him with such horror on her face, with a look that said plainly, 'Please don't make me.'

"Actually," Izzie said gently, taking note of Emily's reaction. "I'm going to take a sick day, so if your dad says it's ok, you can hang out at our house for awhile. We can watch movies and bake cupcakes, whatever you want."

"You don't have to go to school today," he told Emily, before turning to Izzie. "I'll call her out of school as soon as we get to the hospital."

Emily nodded, and her voice broke on the words, "I want my mom."

Alex held on to her a little more tightly, anticipating that she might try to squirm, and Izzie touched her arm and gently said, "You'll get to see your mom really soon. We just need to let the baby come out and then we can go see her."

"No, I want her right now."

"Em, Mommy's ok," Derek said. He kissed Emily's forehead and whispered, "I promise I'll take good care of her. And I promise I'll call as soon as you can come see her and Roo. We just need you to be a good girl for Alex and Izzie while we're gone. Can you do that?"

Emily nodded, but still said tearfully, "I want Mommy."

"I know," he said, wondering how long he left Meredith alone. "I have to go, I'm sorry," he said with one last kiss. "I love you, Bean, and I'll see you soon."

"Is she ok?" Meredith asked as soon as he got back in the car.

He chose to tell a white lie for everyone's good rather than tell her that they left her crying, and said, "She's fine."


They managed to get upstairs to labor and delivery fairly quickly, since they got to the hospital before most doctors they knew started their day shift. Once they got Meredith through the preliminary tests, the nurse, a woman named Jacqui who started a 12-hour shift about ten minutes before, strapped a fetal monitor around her belly and helped her settle in. She promised that Dr. McNally would be in to see her in a few minutes, and that they should page her if they needed anything.

Meredith shifted in bed, trying to settle and find a comfortable position. It felt like she had an evil twin or something, someone who took her place when the pain started and wouldn't leave until it was over. When she was resting, she was the same person she always was, but when she had to work through a contraction, she was someone else entirely.

He pulled up a chair next to the bed and said, "I'll bet you twenty bucks you're more than five centimeters."

She smiled. "I'll take that bet. But I don't want your money."

"Ok, what do you want then?" he asked.

"The first unbelievable neuro case that comes through here after my maternity leave, I'm the resident on it."

"That would be some pretty blatant favoritism, Dr. Grey," he said, grinning.

"Does anyone really think I'm not your favorite?"

"Good point."

They only had to get through one contraction before Dr. Regina McNally came in, bright-eyed and pleasant as usual. She wore her black hair in a loose braid, and she was already dressed in scrubs, though he wasn't sure if she was here already or had been called in for them.

"Hey, Meredith!" she said. She glanced down at the chart in her hands and said, "Man, you two have some early bird kids, don't you?"

"Seems to be the case."

"How are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm ok," Meredith replied.

"Good," Dr. McNally replied. She took a few seconds to observe the printout coming from the fetal monitor, indicating that the baby's heart rate was quite strong, and then she rolled Meredith's hospital gown up and felt around her stomach.

"Ok, well everything looks good here. The baby's heart rate is strong. Head's down. I'm just going to check you and see where we are."

Dr. McNally pushed up the sheet, snapped on a glove, and Meredith let her legs fall open. "Right around four centimeters," she announced a moment later.

Meredith smiled, and raised her arms in triumph. "Just pencil me in, Derek. There's an open brain with my name on it around the middle of May."

"I'm sorry?" Dr. McNally said.

"I bet her a surgery that she was more than five centimeters," he explained.

"Nice," Dr. McNally chuckled. "Wish I could have done that with my kids. My husband's an accountant, he'd want to bet me a tax return or something," she said. "Well, Meredith, it looks like you're doing great for now, so just try to relax. I'll be back in to check on you in a little while, but if you need me for anything, just page your nurse and she'll get you set up."

Derek smoothed the sheet over her legs and helped her settle in for the long haul. He noticed that she was much calmer since arriving at the hospital, and he wondered if she too had started to get freaked out at the pace of it all while they were still at home. While they waited, he got her some ice chips, held her hands, smoothed her hair off her face, and did everything she asked him to do, but it didn't seem like enough. All he could really do was wait, and help her to wait too.

They let an hour tick by slowly, quietly. He kept the lights off in her room, spoke only when she spoke first, and he kept his voice at a low murmur.

When someone knocked at the door, he expected it to be their nurse or Dr. McNally, but it was Cristina's head that poked through the door.

"Hey, is it ok to come in?" she asked quietly. "Is she asleep?"

"I'm awake," Meredith said. She kept her eyes closed, and still looked almost zen-like when she told Cristina to come in.

Cristina stood awkwardly at the foot of Meredith's bed, with her arms at her side. She looked like she didn't know what to do but still felt like she should be there anyway. Though he often butted heads with Cristina, and early on, he felt like he had to compete with her for Meredith's attention, he could appreciate her now, for what she gave to Meredith. In seven years, she never left Meredith's side.

"Cristina?" Meredith asked, her eyes still closed. He looked at his watch, and realized that the next contraction would probably come in about three minutes, but for now, she was at peace.

"I'm here," she replied quickly.

"How did you know we were here?"

"Well, Izzie called," she said, "But I heard it from Michelle, one of the nurses down on Two, way before then. You know the one with the red hair?"

"How did she know?" Meredith asked. "She's a Med/Surg nurse."

"I don't know who she heard it from, but you'd think a celebrity was in here. News travels fast."

"Pretty sure that violates HIPAA in about a hundred ways," Meredith said.

"Are you surprised? By the way, Lexie says hi. She didn't want to come up here and bother you."

"But you had no problem coming up," Derek said, though he didn't really mind, not anymore.

Cristina shrugged. "You'll kick me out if you want me to leave."

He raised an eyebrow, and then turned back to Meredith, checking his watch again. There was something comforting in the pain and the process--a rhythm, a pattern. They had two minutes, probably less time before it got worse, before she wasn't calm anymore. He didn't want to leave her alone, but he needed a minute to pee, to call his mother and maybe Emily, to collect himself before he had to be her rock.

"Actually, can you stay for a minute?" he asked Cristina. "I just need to--"

"Derek, call your mom, ok?" Meredith said, "And Emily." She sucked in a breath as the next contraction started a little sooner than he anticipated, and Cristina stood there silently, looking slightly horrified while he helped Meredith through it.

When it was over, he decided to seize that window of opportunity. "Are you ok for a few minutes?" he asked. "I'll be right back."

"I'm ok," she assured him. Cristina nodded as well, and slipped into the seat he vacated.

He rushed out, made his phone calls, and rushed back, only to settle into the slow, onerous pace of labor. Cristina left them alone, and Meredith told her that she would see her later. To him, it was amazing. She wasn't frenzied, wasn't borderline panicked the way she was when she was in labor with Emily. In the beginning at least, she knew what to expect, and knew she could manage.

By nine-thirty, they had been there for almost three hours, and Meredith's calm was slowly slipping away. Her eyes flew open with every contraction now, like she was surprised by how much and how quickly the pain was intensifying.

"Derek," she groaned, rolling over onto her back before trying to sit up. "I want to move. I need to move."

"Do you want to take a walk?" he asked quietly. It seemed like it was going faster this time. Though he didn't remember much beyond common knowledge about labor and delivery, he knew that gravity could definitely be a factor, and he was certainly willing to try it if that's what she wanted.

"No, I just--oh God," she cried out. "I need to take the pressure off my back."

"Why don't you sit up then? I'll rub your back." He helped her sit up, and then he braced her, his forehead against hers while she fought her way through the pain.

She swung her legs over the side of the bed, and laid her head down on his shoulder. He wrapped one arm around her body, and his free hand clasped hers in one tight fist, pushing into the mattress. They waited, and when the pain hit again, when Meredith grabbed the back of his t-shirt, pulled, and moaned loudly, he rubbed her lower back and prayed that he was doing it right.

"No, don't rub," she said, releasing a breath that she didn't realize she was holding. "Just push down."

He immediately changed what he was doing, and pushed against the lower part of her spine with the heel of his palm. "Like that?"

"Yeah," she said, "More. That's a little better."

"Meredith, do you want the epidural?" he asked. "They'd give it to you now."

"No, I don't need it yet," she said through gritted teeth. A few seconds later, she let her breath go, and sighed, "Ok."

"Ok?"

"Yeah."

Eventually, when the pressure on her lower back got to be too much, Meredith asked to stand up. He positioned her with her back towards the bed, just in case she needed to sit down or take a break. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and he held her up, both hands on her lower back. He could literally feel her stomach getting tight every few minutes. He tried to counteract the pressure she was feeling in her back as best he could, with two fists pushing hard to make circles on her lower back, but he wasn't sure how much it was helping.

The minutes, maybe hours, passed without any way to really keep track. He couldn't see the clock, as it was on the wall behind him, and he didn't dare take his hands away from the only spot that was giving Meredith any relief to check his watch. "You're doing great. It won't be much longer," he whispered.

"How do you know that?"

"I'll bet you another surgery."

"Meredith, how are we doing?" Dr. McNally asked a few minutes later with a knock at the door. Meredith didn't answer, and for Dr. McNally, that was answer enough.

"Let's just check your progress really quickly," she said. "And then you can stand back up. Can you lie down for me for a second?"

"Over or under seven?" Derek said, trying to smile for her sake, even though the stress of seeing her in so much pain was starting to wear on him. He helped her lie down on the bed and said, "A DBS procedure says over."

She shook her head, too exhausted to do anything but try to relax as much as possible between contractions. He realized then that he could try to keep her spirits up, to keep her joking, all he wanted, but for her, the time for playing had passed. Now, she could only be serious, and he could only try his best to help her through.

"Just about a seven," Dr. McNally said in a pleased tone. "Fifty percent effaced, baby's at minus-1 station."

He wasn't sure if he detected a hint of surprise in her voice, or if he was projecting his own surprise on to her. Already a seven. That had to mean this would be over soon, right? Meredith nodded, with a hint of a tired smile on her lips, like she was praying for the same thing.

"The baby looks great, Meredith," she assured her. "Did you want something for the pain? We're kind of getting to the end of that window."

She acted like she hadn't heard the doctor, and didn't react at all until the doctor called her name. "Meredith?"

"I'm ok," she said, after a few seconds.

"Are you sure?" he asked incredulously. He kind of wanted her to take it. If their roles were switched, he would have taken it now if he hadn't begged for it already.

But Meredith shook her head. "I'm fine."

They made it through a few more contractions standing up, but it seemed like the perks of that position were disappearing fast. When Nurse Jacqui came in to check on her about a half hour after Dr. McNally left, Derek mentioned the shower to her, and she was happy to run the water for Meredith.

The hot shower got Meredith almost to lunchtime, but by then, her sanity had started to unravel. He stood outside the shower curtain, his shirt-sleeve completely soaked as she held onto his arm, boring into the skin so hard that she nearly broke it. The pain relief this offered her at home didn't seem to be doing a damn thing now.

"I can't," she cried, during what seemed like a particularly vicious contraction that seemed to wear on and on. "I can't, I can't. Page anesthesiology, Derek."

"You can do this," he said. The words came out less soothing than he hoped, since he had to make sure she heard them over the dull roar of the water, but they needed to be said regardless. "You are doing this," he said. "Even if you think you can't, you're already doing it. But I'm going to page anesthesiology right now, ok? They're on their way," he assured her, even though he hadn't actually left yet.

Within minutes, there was a flurry of activity in Meredith's room. As soon as they got her out of the shower, in a gown, and back into bed, the nurse checked her progress and let them know, much to Meredith's dismay, that she was still at seven centimeters and that the baby's head was still fairly high up in the pelvis. The good news was that she could have the epidural.

Next thing he knew, the anesthesiologist, a man about his age named David Barrera strolled into the room. They both worked with him on several surgeries over the years, but their relationship had been nothing beyond cursory, professional. But now Meredith was looking at him like he was the second coming of Christ.

"Dr. Grey, Dr. Shepherd, congratulations," he said. "What can I do for you?"

"Either work your magic or put a bullet in my head," Meredith groaned.

With Emily, the pain was incremental, slow to progress, and though it seemed scarier because it was the first time, it was somehow easier to manage. Now, everything was sharp and fast and intense and there was no relief even when the fetal monitor said there should be. Meredith was louder with Emily, but she didn't actually have tears in her eyes.

"Ok, well what we'd do at this point is a combined spinal-epidural, which will give you four to eight hours of pain relief, which will probably be plenty of time. It'll also give you the ability to move around a little more freely, so that's a positive thing. We'll inject the anesthetic into the epidural space, and within fifteen to twenty minutes, you should feel totally fine."

Meredith sighed and nodded eagerly, and he continued. "Obviously, you're a doctor, you're aware of the risks, but I have to go over them anyway. An epidural can make pushing more difficult, leading to an increased risk of forceps or vacuum during delivery, or possibly a c-section. For you, it's unlikely, but an epidural can cause a drop in your BP or a spinal headache. For the baby, an epidural can cause respiratory depression, some increased heart rate variability, and difficulty with breastfeeding, Again, all of these risks are small, and you are an excellent candidate for the procedure, but I am obligated to tell you."

"I don't want it," Meredith said, shaking her head.

"Meredith, those risks are small," Derek said. He knew Dr. Barrera was only doing his job, but in that moment he could have killed him. She was so ready to accept relief, and then he scared her out of it. "A ton of women have epidurals every day, and they're fine and their babies are fine," he said quietly. "If you need one, then there's nothing wrong with getting one."

"No, no, no," she said. "I can do it. I don't need it, I just want it. Seven, right?"

"Yeah, you're at a seven."

"I did it with Emily," she said, for herself much more than for him. "I can do it now. I don't want surgery."

"You won't need a c-section," he promised.

"And I don't want the baby to have any problems breathing," she gasped out as a contraction started to build. "It's already ten days early. I can do it."

"Are you sure?" he asked

She curled into the pain, but gritted out a, "Yes."

Derek shrugged. Once her mind was made up, it was made up. He turned to Dr. Barrera, who offered him a sympathetic smile. "Don't go too far," Derek told him. "Just in case."

"Of course," he replied. "Congratulations."

Meredith only made it through one more contraction after Barrera left before she reached for Derek and cried, "I can't do it anymore."

"You just said you can, remember?" he said. "Just keep thinking that way."

"What the fuck did I know then?" Meredith cried. "Why did you send him away?"

"You want me to get him back?"

"Yes!"

"Ok, I'll have the nurse page him in a second," he promised.

She shook her head as another contraction started to build, and practically begged him in a long, protracted, "Now."

"Ok," he nodded soothingly. "Now."

He hit the call button next to the bed to get Jacqui back in here, and by the time she got to the room, the contraction was over, and Meredith had calmed down a little. "I don't need drugs," she said. "I'm ok."

Jacqui, who hadn't announced herself, looked at Derek with a raised eyebrow, like she was waiting for instruction on what to do. Derek shrugged, and turned to Meredith to ask, "So do you want me to cancel that page?"

"Yeah."

Jacqui smiled sympathetically, and silently left the room. Before she did, she held her hand up to her face in the shape of a telephone, gesturing to Derek to page her again if they needed to.

"Hey," he murmured, drawing close to Meredith. Her eyes were squinted closed, and she was still curled up, like the pain of it all, even though she wasn't actually feeling it now, had put her body in a vice. "Just relax when it's not happening, ok?" he said, smoothing her hair off her face. "I'm really proud of you. You're doing so well. But if you want an epidural, you should get one."

"Do you think I should?" she asked.

He reached over to the tray that Jacqui set up next to the bed, set up with a pitcher of water, a water bottle with a straw, two plastic kidney-shaped emesis basins, and a washcloth. He poured some water over the washcloth and rung it out, sponging some cool moisture onto Meredith's sweaty brow and neck.

"I think you should do whatever feels better for you," he said. "I'm not the one who has to do this, you are."

"I did it naturally with Emily," she said, almost sighing with the relief the cool water brought. "Right now, I don't know how, but I did. I need to remember that."

"Ok," he murmured. "Are you sure?"

"No," she said, laughing even just the tiniest bit, but it was enough to let him know that she was really ok despite all of this. "In a little while, I'm going to forget I said that," she said. "I need you to remind me. Don't leave, ok?"

"I'd never leave," he assured her. "I'll be right here the whole time. It's going fast, this is almost over."

About an hour later, out of nowhere, and sudden enough that it took him by surprise, Meredith's teeth started to chatter and her entire body started to tremble. She twisted towards him and then the other way until she was flat on her back again, and gasped at him with her mouth agape. With a long, guttural moan, she reached for his hand.

"Oh my God," she cried.

"Do you want to change positions?" he asked helplessly. He didn't know what else to suggest, or what could possibly help, but she quickly shot him down. He paged the doctor back in, but while they were waiting, she cried out again. It seemed like they had only thirty or forty seconds now between the end of one contraction and the beginning of the next, not nearly enough time for Meredith to relax and catch her breath.

"Tell me," Meredith begged. She was gritting her teeth to keep from screaming, only letting out short gusts of air and staccato little moans. He wished she would just scream if that's what she wanted to do. She didn't need to suffer in silence for his or anyone else's benefit.

"Tell me," she said again when it seemed like that one was over.

Tell her what? He had no idea what she was talking about, or what she wanted to hear, or if it would even help. At the end, with Emily, all she wanted was quiet. He tried to talk to her, to touch her, to do anything he could think of, but she didn't want any part of it. He remembered that she kept shaking her head when he was talking, but he thought it was just from the pain until she actually yell at him to shut up. Now, though, it seemed like she wanted his voice, and even though he didn't know what to say, he just started talking.

"You're doing so well," he said. "You can do this. You're ok, I think you're transitioning." The words were pouring out now, and he was saying them faster than he could think about them. She nodded and he kept going. "Think about Emily. Remember when she was born, how this part didn't matter anymore as soon as it was over? It's hard, but you know it's worth it. And you know you can do it. You've done it already, and you're doing it again now. As soon as the baby's out, I'm going to call Izzie. Emily can't wait to come see you. She's going to be a great big sister, don't you think?"

At the onset of the next contraction, Meredith pursed her lips, and he could see the color drain from her face. She tried to sit up a little more, to reach for the second emesis basin on the tray next to the bed, but he got to it before she could. He held it for her, and rubbed her back as she vomited.

Tears rolled down her cheeks as it ended and she laid back down. She couldn't stop trembling, but when he tried to pull the blankets up around her, she pushed them away. She took a tiny sip from the water bottle he held out to her, and he wondered where the hell Dr. McNally was.

"You're ok," he said. "Everything's ok. It's almost over. I owe you so many surgeries."

She couldn't bring herself to smile, but said quite tiredly, "Yeah, you do."

"Meredith," Dr. McNally said gently as she and Jacqui entered the room and took stock of her surroundings. "How are we doing?"

Jacqui handed Dr. McNally a clean glove and started to clear away the emesis basins. Dr. McNally sat down on the edge of the bed and as soon as she pulled the sheets away Meredith's legs fell open so she could examine her. Meredith groaned a little at the discomfort, but nodded gratefully when the doctor said, "Meredith, it won't be long now, ok? You're right at a nine, one hundred percent effaced. It's going to go fast, I promise. The baby is right there. You're doing an awesome, awesome job."

Dr. McNally turned to Jacqui and told her to go ahead and get Meredith ready to deliver. She promised that she only needed to check quickly on one patient, but would be back in a few minutes.

Derek glanced at the clock on the wall and was amazed that all of this had only taken twelve hours. He knew every labor was different, especially from the first to the second baby, but he couldn't help but compare to Emily. That last centimeter took almost an hour with her, but it seemed like Dr. McNally thought it might take only minutes this time.

He felt like a helpless bystander. Jacqui was busy breaking down the bed and getting the room ready for the baby, and obviously, Meredith was doing all the hard work as her body tried to bring the baby down and finish what it started. All he could do was try to anticipate what she needed before she had to ask.

He pressed a cool washcloth to her forehead and neck again, and while they waited for Dr. McNally to come back, Meredith suddenly curled forward and moaned, "Oh my God."

Dr. McNally walked back in, but neither of them paid her any attention as Meredith cried out, "Oh my God, I have to push."

"Meredith," Dr. McNally said, standing by her bedside. "I'm right here, go ahead and push when you need to."

She barely waited for the doctor's approval before she bore down hard, grunting with the effort of it. She screwed up her face, and tried to keep going as long as she could.

Dr. McNally glanced at the space between her legs almost nonchalantly, like she wasn't expecting anything to happen, but within a few seconds, she exclaimed, "Oh, good job!" Turning to Jacqui, she said, "Ok, let's get ready to go. Gown and gloves, please."

Jacqui helped her get geared up, she sat down at the foot of the bed, and then they waited. The contractions had slowed a little bit, giving Meredith a little time to rest between each one. With Emily, this part took two hours. Even he didn't think it would take anywhere near that long this time.

Meredith looked exhausted, but determined. He couldn't help but get excited, knowing that this was all going to be over soon and the baby they had waited so long for would be in their arms.

"Meredith, just push when you feel a contraction, ok? You're doing great, the baby's coming down well."

Her next few pushes were calm, but deliberate and effective. He never moved from her side, never let go of her hand, but leaned forward a little to glance over her bended knee to see for himself.

"The baby's right there," he said, unable to hide his surprise at the sight of the top of a head already.

"Really?" she asked, just as surprised as he was.

"Yeah, a couple more pushes and you'll be done."

"Oh," she groaned. "Can I push now?"

"Yeah, go for it," Dr. McNally grinned, and just seconds later, she said, "Ok, stop. The baby's starting to crown, Meredith. Just let it come."

"I can't," Meredith said, in the middle of a contraction.

"Meredith," Dr. McNally said carefully, "Don't push, just take some deep breaths. I don't want you to tear. We're going to do this part nice and slow, ok?"

"Deep breaths," he reminded her. "Nice and slow."

It wasn't until after the contraction ended that she was able to actually make her body slow down and do what the doctor asked. "It burns," she said. "It's burning."

"I know," he said soothingly. "You're doing great. I love you. The baby's almost here."

"Little pushes with the next contraction," Dr. McNally reminded her. "You go when you need to."

Meredith groaned, and squeezed his hand hard. She leaned forward again and bore down with short, grunting pushes, but he wasn't focusing on her anymore. He was watching the baby make its way out, centimeter by centimeter, as she worked. He felt her gripping his hand tightly, heard her scream, but only watched the baby's head finally slide out into the doctor's hands.

"The head's out, Mer," he exclaimed. "Oh my God."

"Meredith, don't push, ok?" Dr. McNally said. "The baby has a nuchal cord."

Meredith panted, and laid her head back down on the pillow while she waited. Her brow glistened with sweat, and her hair was messy and matted down on her forehead. He smoothed it back for her while Dr. McNally suctioned the baby's nose and mouth and slipped the looped cord from around the neck as quickly as she could. As soon as she gave Meredith the all-clear to push again, it only took one more effort before the baby was in the doctor's hands, and then on Meredith's chest.

"Derek," she said, cradling the slimy, wriggling infant in her arms as Jacqui reached in with warm towels. The baby let out an impressive shriek, pinking up with every second, and Meredith couldn't stop saying, "Oh my God, oh my God."

Derek felt almost like he was floating; he was that light with happiness. He watched as Jacqui wiped the baby's face down and tried to keep him covered and warm. He was so enthralled with the child's dark hair and button nose, features that were identical to Emily's when she was born, that he didn't even think to look between the baby's legs until Dr. McNally prompted them.

"So," she said knowingly, "What do we have?"

"It's a boy!" he said, stunned and joyous, with tears running down his cheeks. He had a son. They had a son.

Meredith burst into tears, and held the baby that much closer. "Is he ok?"

"He looks great," Dr. McNally said, smiling while she clamped the baby's cord in two places. "Does he have a name yet?"

They went over what felt like hundreds of names over the past few months, for boys and for girls, and though they had narrowed it down to a short list, they hadn't decided on anything yet. They knew what Emily's name would be, if she did in fact turn out to be a girl, well before she was born, but with this baby, it had been more difficult to reach a consensus.

"No, not yet," he replied.

Meredith couldn't take her eyes off the baby, cradling him against her with one arm and outlining his features so gently with the tip of a finger. "Hey, little boy," she murmured when he gripped one of her fingers, his chin quivering as he kept crying. "He's big."

"He's bigger than Emily," he agreed. He leaned in and cupped her face with one hand, and kissed her. He couldn't even begin to explain to her how happy, how grateful, how absolutely awed he was by her, and their son, and their life together. "I love you," he said. "So much."

"I love you too."

"Derek, can you cut between the clamps for me?" Dr. McNally asked, passing him a pair of surgical scissors. When he did, Jacqui took the crying baby from Meredith's arms and brought him over to the warmer. "We'll bring him right back," Dr. McNally promised. "We're just going to weigh and measure him, and wrap him up for you."

"He's here," Meredith said breathlessly, after he kissed her again.

Derek nodded. He couldn't quite believe it himself. "He's finally here."

"Seven pounds, six ounces, guys," Jacqui called out to them. "Twenty inches long."

"Go stay with him," Meredith urged him. "Go."

The baby cried and cried, testing out his lungs while Jacqui stamped his footprints on a piece of paper, wrapped a hospital bracelet around his wrist, and administered eyedrops. She wiped him down thoroughly, but gently, and then swaddled him tightly in a white blanket.

The next thing he knew, his son was in his arms, staring up at him with the remnants of tears in the creases of his eyes. The baby, whimpering now instead of wailing, felt warm and solid in his arms. Like Emily, this baby's hair was dark, almost black, but hers was wispy and his was a lot thicker. His eyes were a lighter grayish-blue, closer to Meredith's color, but Emily was born with lighter eyes too and they darkened to a deeper blue after a few months. He was bigger than Emily by a little more than two pounds. His chest was rounder, his cheeks pudgier, but all in all, he looked a lot like his sister.

He brought the baby over to Meredith and laid him gently in her arms, then wiped a few tears out of his own eyes. The baby looked around, whimpering intermittently, but when Meredith touched his face and started talking so quietly and soothingly to him, he stilled. Jacqui brought over some hospital bracelets that matched the baby's for he and Meredith, and she slipped a tiny pink and blue knit hat on his head.

Derek moved his chair a little closer to her bedside, and kissed the top of her head before he sat down. Dr. McNally was cleaning Meredith up, delivering the placenta and sewing a few stitches and doing all of the things that would have probably commanded at least a little of their attention in any other circumstances. When she was going to do something to Meredith, or needed Meredith to do something, she told her, and Meredith complied thoughtlessly. She had the baby in her arms, and that was all that mattered.


When Dr. McNally finished and they got the baby started on nursing, she left the three of them alone, with the promise that she would come back to check on them in a little while. Roo took to breastfeeding like a champ and now settled in his mother's arms with a full belly. He was alert, or he at least had his eyes open and was looking up at them like he wanted to see them.

Derek slipped off the baby's hat for a second, just to get another look at the head full of dark hair that already had a bit of a curl to it. They unwrapped him for a moment, just to count his fingers and toes, and look at his knees and elbows and his round little belly. They touched his cheeks and his earlobes and the tip of his nose. And if he didn't consciously realize it the second this baby was born, Derek knew it now; he was utterly in love with him.

"I know we talked about a lot of other names," Meredith said softly after awhile. "And this wasn't even on the list. But I think I want to name him after your dad. I want to name him Jack."

She looked down at the baby while she spoke, but then up at him expectantly. He could tell that she thought this gesture would be something profoundly meaningful to him, and it was, it was just...the name Jack was tied to as much pain as it was to happiness.

He had only been the father of a son for an hour, but already, he had this whole future planned out of baseball games and fishing trips--all things that had been taken away from him forever when he was eleven years old. His family talked about his father all the time, and he was able to smile and laugh at the fond memories, but that didn't mean he didn't wish bitterly that that part of his life was radically different from what it was. Could he really say that name probably dozens of times a day for the rest of his life without feeling the same way he did now, mixing grief with joy?

He didn't say anything, but Meredith kept going. "I was just thinking about it and none of the boys in your family are named Jack," she offered.

"Their middle names," he murmured, unable to take his eyes off his son, who was starting to doze a little in Meredith's arms. "Some of them."

"I think it would be nice," she murmured, smoothing her hand lovingly over her son's hat-covered head. "Your family lights up when they hear that name."

"Can we think about it?" he asked.

"Oh," Meredith said. She took only a second to recover before she told him that of course they could, but he knew that she expected a resounding, maybe even a grateful, yes and he hated that he couldn't give it to her.

"I'm sorry, it's just that," he sighed, trailing off. "I don't know, it's complicated."

"It's ok," she said, before turning back to the perfect baby in her arms. "He's really beautiful, isn't he?"

"Yeah, he is," he murmured.

"Do you want to hold him for awhile?" Meredith asked. "I'm just kind of...."

Suddenly, he noticed how absolutely exhausted she looked and sounded, and quickly, he put aside his concerns and let her gingerly shift the baby into his arms.

"Get some rest," he told her. "Roo and I need to have a little chat."

She nodded, closed her eyes, then opened them again. "Derek, I love you."

He leaned forward, over the baby, and kissed her. "I love you too."

"Call Emily."

"I will."

"Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"There are some paint chips in the kitchen drawer. Use the middle blue one."

He chuckled. "Get some rest."

She closed her eyes, and he sat back in his chair and let the baby settle against him. He knew it was possible to do it--he never doubted that his parents loved him, Nancy, Maggie, and Anne any less than Kathleen--but he was still kind of shocked at the intensity of it, how quickly he loved this little boy just as much as Emily and more than life itself.

"Big day, huh?" he murmured to the baby who was staring up at him. "What do you think so far?"

Derek held him close, patting his bottom gently while he blew little spit bubbles. Two years ago, he didn't think he would ever have a moment like this again. But he would have done it all again. All of it. The grief, the pain, the fear, the doubt--it was all worth it now, and it was enough to choke him up.

"I can't believe you're here," he whispered. "We waited a long time for you."

He looked up at Meredith, curled up in bed, breathing peacefully with her eyes closed. Her hair was still damp from her earlier shower and from sweat. She needed two stitches and had to have been sore as all hell. But she had the faintest hint of a smile on her face.

It was shocking, but not strange to know that the baby in his arms was the one they had been waiting for, for much longer than nine months. It felt almost unbelievable that he had a son now, that he and Meredith had two kids. He felt confident that he had the Daddy's little girl thing down, and wondered about the ways that his relationship with his son would be different from his relationship with his daughter. The baby stared up at him, blinking in the light, and Derek couldn't help but wonder if maybe his father thought the same things forty-some years ago, when he had two small daughters at home and a nurse had just settled his newborn son into his arms.

"Meredith?" he asked, but she didn't answer. .

"I think you wore Mommy out," he said, shifting him so he was upright but flush against his chest. He rubbed his back in slow circles, and pressed his lips to the top of the baby's head. "She wants to call you Jack, after your Pop," he said quietly, taking a deep breath. "It's not that I don't like that name, it's just that I miss Pop all the time, and I don't know if I can...."

He patted the baby's back, and then laid one hand gently on his back, supporting his bottom with the other while the baby fell into a sleepy state.

"You couldn't ask for a better guy to be named after. He was just the best dad anybody could want. For awhile, I didn't miss him as much," he sighed. "After he was gone for a long time, it was just something that kind of became part of me. It still hurt, but I didn't think about it as much. But when your sister was born, it made me realize that if he loved us half as much as I loved her...it just wasn't fair that he died. There wasn't enough time. It wasn't fair at all."

He kissed the top of the baby's head again, and whispered, "I can't believe you're finally here."

He held him for he didn't know how long. An hour ago, everything was loud and hectic. Now, it was almost startlingly calm. The baby's breathing was peaceful and slow, Meredith was asleep, and he was completely sated.

A soft knock came at the door, and Jacqui peeked her head inside. "Dr. Shepherd, they're ready for him in the nursery," she said. "Do you mind if we take him down and get him checked out and cleaned up? We'll bring him back in a little while if you like."

"Ok," he nodded.

Jacqui wheeled in an isolette into the room and scooped the baby gently out of Derek's arms. "Does she need anything?" she asked, motioning to Meredith as she situated the baby comfortably.

Derek shook his head. "Sleep, more than anything else."

"Ok, well if you'd like to get some rest as well, I can bring a pillow and some blankets."

He nodded, suddenly feeling quite tired himself. "I'm actually going to go make some calls. If she wakes up...."

"We'll find you," Jacqui promised.

He called Izzie first and told her to bring Emily to the hospital in a few hours when Meredith would be awake, and then spent a few minutes talking to Emily, mostly reassuring her that Meredith really was ok. He tried to call his mother, but her phone went right to voicemail and he hung up without leaving a message, assuming that she was on a plane to Seattle.

When he got back to Meredith's room, someone had dropped off a pillow and some blankets for him, and he managed to get a little over an hour of uninterrupted sleep before Meredith woke him up, wanting the baby back in the room with them so she could nurse him.

She still looked sleepy, but completely blissed out, when she took the baby from him. While they napped, a nurse had bathed him, and combed his hair so it was parted to one side. He opened his eyes and mewled at the disturbance, but then ate happily.

She settled him on her chest when he was done, and placed both hands on his back. "I can't believe how mellow he's acting," she said as he snuggled up against her and yawned.

"He's barely four hours old," Derek said.

"I know, but he kicked the crap out of me for nine months and now he's just hanging out and being all cuddly."

"He just needs to recharge his batteries," he said, leaning over to kiss the baby again. He rubbed the baby's head and then clasped his hand over Meredith's for a second. "I wouldn't count him out just yet."

"Mommy?"

Derek whipped his head around and saw Emily standing in the door with Alex and Izzie behind her. She looked nervous, like she was holding back a little.

A huge smile broke out on Meredith's face as soon as she saw her. "Hi, Em."

Emily stepped tentatively into the room, and Alex and Izzie stepped in after her, but held back. Derek pulled her into his arms, and kissed her cheek, but she kept looking at Meredith. Standing by her bed, she asked quietly, "Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm ok," Meredith promised, smiling tenderly as she reached out for Emily with her free hand. "Do you want to see the baby?"

Emily nodded, and Derek helped her crawl into the empty space on the bed next to Meredith. Emily laid down next to her, and Meredith wrapped one arm around her and kissed her forehead. "See?" she murmured soothingly. "Everything's ok."

The baby watched Emily, or tried to through unfocused eyes, and she reached out one finger and gently touched the folds of his blanket.

"Roo is really little," she said, like she expected someone who had monopolized Meredith's lap space entirely for the past two months should have been a bit bigger upon arrival.

"Yeah, he is, isn't he?"

"Does he have arms?" Emily asked, petting the baby's back like he was her puppy instead of her brother. Derek smiled, and acknowledged that since the baby looked like a burrito with a head, it was probably a legitimate question on Emily's part.

"Yeah, they're just under the blanket," Meredith said, laughing a little.

"Are we just gonna call him Roo?"

"No, we're going to give him a real person name too," Derek said. Jack? "We just don't know what it is yet."

"He's beautiful, you guys," Izzie said, and until she spoke Derek had practically forgotten they were there.

Meredith beamed, and then asked, "Emily, do you want to hold him?"

"I can?"

"Yeah, of course."

Derek helped her settle into the chair he had been using, took the pillow he had for his nap to prop her arm up, and then took the baby from Meredith.

Emily looked up expectantly at him, with her hands at her sides, and it struck him then that he should have told her how to hold him before his hands were full.

"Go like this, squirt," Alex said, and Derek turned to find him cradling his arms with nothing in them. When Emily mimicked his motions, Derek settled the baby into her arms and helped her adjust her hold on him so that his head was resting comfortably in the crook of her elbow.

As little as he looked when he was curled up on Meredith's chest, he looked so much bigger when he was in Emily's arms. The baby looked up at her, squinting and blinking in the light.

"He's squishy," Emily said.

"He is, a little bit," Derek agreed.

"Can I hold him whenever I want?"

"Yeah, whenever you want."

Emily settled into the chair and watched her brother intently, even though he really didn't do much except doze off to sleep. After a few minutes of talking to Alex and Izzie, he gestured to Meredith to see if she wanted him back, but she shook her head. She wanted Emily to have him for as long as she wanted him.

"Daddy?" Emily said after awhile, "My arm is tingly."

"Ok, do you want to take a break?"

She nodded, and started to shift the baby back towards him, but he scooped him out of her arms before she could do much more with him. "Good job, Bean."

"Mer, can I?" Izzie asked before Derek could give the baby to Meredith again.

"Hi, little man," Izzie cooed, taking him from Derek when Meredith gave the ok. "Oh, you look like your sister, yes you do."

She held him with one arm, and tapped his tiny nose gently with her fingertip while Alex peered at him over her shoulder. "I want one," she said.

Emily crawled back into bed with Meredith and slung an arm over Meredith's stomach, and stayed there. She snuggled against Meredith when George, Lexie, and Cristina came in to see and hold the baby, when Mark came in to see him and let Derek know that he had a box of cigars for them to smoke later, and when the baby started to cry and George passed him back to Derek.

Meredith ran her fingers through Emily's hair, and let her stay there, even though it couldn't have been comfortable for her to have a four-year-old's head on her chest. Emily only left when Meredith promised that she could come back as soon as school was over tomorrow.

After everyone left, Meredith was able to shower and take another short nap. Though he tried to lie down as well, sleep wouldn't come. She woke up and sent him to get the baby back from the nursery, and on his way there, he saw his mother in the hallway, looking around for where she was supposed to go.

"Mom!" he called.

She whipped her head around and broke out into a smile when she saw him. "Derek!" Wheeling her suitcase behind her, she pulled him into a hug when she got to him. "How are you?"

Exhausted. Drained. Exhilarated. In love. Over the moon.

He smiled and laughed a little, shrugging his shoulders. How could he even begin to say?

Mary nodded knowingly. "Congratulations, sweetheart," she said, kissing his cheek.

"I'm actually on my way to the nursery," he said. "Come with me, you can see the baby. Meredith actually just woke up and she wanted me to bring him in."

They left her suitcase outside of Meredith's door on their way, and stopped in front of the glass window that looked into the nursery. Their son was in the second row, wrapped tightly in his white blanket with the hat back on his head, sleeping peacefully. The blue card taped to the back of his isolette said 'I'm a boy!' but under 'Name,' all that was listed was 'Baby Boy Shepherd.'

"That's him," he said softly, pointing him out.

"Oh, Derek," she said, wrapping her arm around his waist. She cupped his face, and kissed his cheek. "He's beautiful. He looks like Emily."

"That seems to be the consensus," he agreed.

"How's Meredith?"

"She's good. She's just tired. And sore."

Jacqui opened the door, and asked, "Dr. Shepherd, did you want to see your son?"

"Yeah, please," he said. "Jacqui, this is my mom, Mary."

They shook hands, and Jacqui led them over to the baby. Mary peered over at him, and then Jacqui asked, "Did you want to hold him, Mrs. Shepherd?"

"Oh, yes."

Jacqui showed her to one of the gliders and then placed the baby into her arms. He cried a little at being woken up and disturbed, then opened his eyes and looked up at her. He stood behind Mary, and laid a hand on her shoulder while she held the baby.

"Hello, sweetie," she said softly, trying to soothe him. "I'm your Nana."

He whimpered and squirmed a little within the confines of his blanket, and Mary adjusted it, loosening it and pulling it away from his neck. She patted his back and and he grunted and cried for a second while he tried to settle.

"Oh, I know," she said comfortingly. "It's been a long day. Yes, sir."

He gave it another moment, and by then, Mary had calmed the baby completely, just by patting his back gently and making shushing noises. "Derek, he's precious," she murmured, not taking her eyes off the baby.

He nodded, and then said, "Meredith wants to name him Jack. After Dad."

Mary did turn around for that, but he couldn't discern if her expression was one for concern, disapproval, or gratitude. "She does?"

"I told her I didn't know," he said quietly when she turned to look at the baby again.

They didn't speak for a few seconds, and he worried that maybe he had offended her, or brought back bittersweet memories that she might not have wanted to deal with right now. But when she looked back at him, she had tears in her eyes. "I think Dad would have liked that very much," she said, her voice quite choked up. "Very much."

In that moment, it felt like, even though his dad wasn't there, that he gave his blessing anyway. Everyone in his family smiled when they heard his name for a reason; there was no one who was more deserving of a namesake. He would always grieve for his father, and what could have been, but by naming his own son after him, he could honor the kind of father he was, and ensure that he would never really be gone.

"I think so too." He cleared his throat, and said, "I'm going to bring him in to Meredith."

Mary nodded, and he took the baby from her, cradling him in his arms. It felt a little different, now that he had a name, and better somehow.

"I'll call your sisters and let them know he's doing well," she said. She stood up and touched the baby's face while Derek held him.

He laid him back down in the isolette, and reached into his pocket for his phone. He snapped a picture of the baby, and then quickly sent it to all four of his sisters. "Here," he said to his mother, passing her his phone. "Use mine, I just sent them a picture."

He found Meredith sitting up in bed, still looking worn out but alert. She had changed into some of her own pajamas, and had the blankets draped over her legs.

"Are you feeling ok?" he asked as he scooped the baby out of the isolette and handed him to her.

She shrugged. "One of the nurses just brought a bunch of heating pads, so that's good." She unwrapped the baby and nuzzled him close to her. She lifted her shirt and he settled into her arms immediately, and rooted around for her nipple, like he already knew exactly who she was. "Can you get me that pillow?" she asked, pointing as she lifted her shirt and positioned him lying on his side against her breast. She helped him latch on, and lifted him just a little so Derek could wedge the pillow underneath his body.

"Is he ok?" Derek asked.

"Yeah, he's good."

"My mom's here," he said, taking his seat by the side of the bed.

"In the hospital?"

"Yeah, she just got here."

"Did she get to see him yet?" Meredith asked, and adjusted the baby just a little. She looked so natural and unworried by this baby, like everything she learned with Emily had come rushing back to her.

"Yeah, she held him in the nursery for a few minutes," he said. "She's just calling my sisters, she should be in soon. Actually, I sent them all a picture of the baby, so they're all probably trying to call her at the same time."

Meredith laughed, and then settled into nursing the baby, cradling him firmly against her and touching his hands and his back and his knees like a part of her still had to make sure he was real.

"John," Derek said quietly.

Meredith looked up. "What?"

"Everyone called my dad Jack, but his name was actually John," he said. "But we can name him just Jack if you want."

Meredith shook her head, and, smiling, looked down at their son. "John Christopher."

As she articulated that elusive first name choice with the middle name that had long since been decided upon, he wasn't sure how there had ever been any question, how he had doubted it. It felt right.

He reached out and touched the baby's foot, then leaned forward and kissed his head.

"Jack." He whispered the name, and he was surprised to feel that it didn't enhance the grief at all, but instead chipped away at it. Suddenly, a whole future was before them and somehow, as much as it could, that part of his world that had been turned upside down so long ago righted itself again.