Odds And Ends

Disclaimer: Kurt, Finn and Glee aren't mine. I'm just borrowing them for a while and promise to return them whole and unscathed when I'm finished;)

A/N: Again, no Furt to speak of this week but those delightful Kurt moments almost made up for it (oh, The Talk! I know it's been said a million times but I have to say it again – Chris and Mike have incredible chemistry, and Burt is like the best TV dad EVER!).

Spoilers for 'Sexy', begins shortly after The Talk.


The Brothers Penguin

It was quiet. Ominously, eerily quiet. Like post-Chainsaw-Massacre quiet.

As Finn made his way up the path to the Hudmel home that evening after another Glee emergency rehearsal and stepped through the door, he half-expected to find Kurt's and Burt's chopped corpses in the hall. Because he saw both their cars were parked in the street, and there was no other way it was so quiet if they were both home. These days it usually meant heated conversations in raised voices about uncomfortable things. Silence just wasn't in the Hummel men's repertoire.

This evening, though, the house was silent and plunged in dim light, which made him look out for Freddy Kruger or Hannibal Lecter. He breathed a sigh of relief seeing Burt was very much alive, snoring away on the couch with 'Deadliest Catch' on mute. Careful not to wake him, Finn tiptoed to the stairs and up to his room to dump his things. He felt his stomach rumble and grimaced. His mom was working the night shift so he would have to go scavenging in the kitchen for some leftovers. Or maybe he could blackmail Kurt into making him one of those pancakes that weren't exactly pancakes and had a strange, French-sounding name. With that in mind, he stopped when passing by his stepbrother's room. And stared.

Kurt was sitting cross-legged on his vanity bench, his back hunched and his face wearing an expression which was a strange mixture of embarrassment, shock, curiosity and a couple of other things Finn couldn't really name. All these emotions were directed at one thing – a pamphlet he was reading. As Finn looked on, Kurt gave the brochure a confused frown and tipped his head to the side, his eyes narrowing as they scanned the text. Then his face went from his usual porcelain pale to beetroot red and he cleared his throat. He took a deep sigh and turned to the vanity mirror. He just stared at his reflection for a while and then started doing very weird things with his face. Finn couldn't hide his amusement any longer and sniggered, stepping into the room with a knock.

"What are you doing, dude?" he asked.

Kurt let out a surprised squeak, literally jumping up in the air. He turned to Finn with a reproachful look.

"You don't walk up on people like that in their own rooms!" he sputtered, frantically shoving the pamphlet into his trousers pocket. "You knock, stomp…or yodel!"

Finn looked at him quizzically. "I'm not sure about that third one but I'm pretty much sure I did the first two. You were just…too busy to notice. Which brings me back to my question. What was that?" he waved his hand between Kurt and the mirror. "Do you have…gas problems or something?"

Kurt blinked. Then he moaned, looking like he was about to cry, and hid his face in his hands. Slightly alarmed, Finn ventured further into the room.

"What's wrong? Is it that bad, buddy?" he asked, gingerly sitting next to his stepbrother on the bench. "My mom gives me soda water to drink for this and it always helps…do you want me to bring you some?"

Kurt raised his face from his hands and stared at him with disbelief. "This is a dream. It's a nightmare and I'll wake up any second. Because I am not seriously discussing gas with you."

"Hey, it's nature," Finn said casually with a shrug.

Kurt looked up at him incredulously. "Finn, you want to do something for me?" he asked, aiming for calm but ending up slightly shrill. Finn nodded. "Then please zip it right now."

The taller boy looked at him, confused as to why the other boy was so freaked out. "Um, ok. Sure. And the water?"

Kurt groaned in irritation. "Finn, what part of 'zip it' don't you understand? And I don't have gas problems, dammit!" he said angrily jumping up from the bench, face flushed and eyes shooting daggers.

"Ok! Ok!" Finn said defensively, his tone hurt. "Just don't bite my head off for wanting to help you! It won't happen again, I promise!"

Kurt seethed for a while more, then sighed and sat back on the bench next to Finn.

"I'm sorry," he apologized sincerely. "I know you mean well. It's just-" he raised his eyes to the ceiling and shook his head. "-I had a very long, very embarrassing day."

Finn nodded in understanding. There were some days that weren't like that for him.

"Anything I can do to help?" he offered. "That hopefully doesn't involve you biting my head off?"

Kurt shot him a wayward glance. "Actually, that could help," he said wryly.

Finn looked at him reproachfully and the smaller boy ruffled his hair in an affectionate gesture.

"Hey!" Finn exclaimed, pushing his stepbrother's hand away. "The hair's off limits for you!"

"Since when?" Kurt asked, genuinely surprised.

"Since you threatened me yesterday to pour my Mountain Dew on my Xbox if I touched yours," he answered with reproach.

"I'd be doing you a favor," Kurt retorted haughtily. "Those stupid games are frying your brains out. And Mountain Dew?" He made a face at Finn. "That stuff's disgusting. I don't understand how you can drink it. It tastes like washer fluid."

"Dude, how do you know what washer fluid tastes like?"

Kurt felt his lips twitch upwards. "And a figure of speech is just something that happens to other people, isn't it?"

"Don't answer me with questions! And questions I don't understand!"

"Am I answering you with questions?" Kurt asked innocently but couldn't quite hide the smirk.

"And you're having way too much fun doing it," Finn said, his eyes narrowing.

"What can I say?" Kurt shrugged gracefully. "I'm just evil that way."

Finn shook his head and for a moment his gaze landed back on the pamphlet, still half-sticking from Kurt's back pocket. He'd set his eyes on it the moment he saw Kurt with it and now he saw his chance and made a reach for it.

Kurt's eyes widened in horror and he launched himself at Finn, trying to get the condemning piece of paper back. A scuffle ensued in which manly dignity was forgotten as hair was pulled and more than one sissy kick aimed, before Kurt managed to pry the pamphlet out of Finn's hands. But not before Finn caught a glimpse of the word 'sex' in the title. He froze and looked at Kurt, his expression serious. Then his face lit up.

"Did you have sex ed classes at Dalton this week, too?" he asked. "We had them with Miss Holliday…and actually, I wanted to ask you something," he added uneasily.

Kurt allowed himself a silent sigh of relief that Finn had the attention span of a cocker spaniel and seemed to have forgotten about the pamphlet already. Then it hit him that Finn had just used the words 'sex' and 'ask you' and was now looking at him expectantly. His face fell.

"Please don't tell me it's time to talk about the facts of life," he said weakly.

"Well…"

"You know the storks are just a smokescreen, right?"

"Yeah, Mr. Schue explained that to Britt yesterday."

Kurt raised an eyebrow at him. "And you know you really can't get someone pregnant wearing a bathing suit?"

"I had my suspicions about that one!" Finn huffed reproachfully.

Kurt looked at him skeptically but saw his chance at getting out of this one. "Ok. Then I think we have the brotherly sex talk covered," he dismissed him quickly. "You're perfectly educated and don't need to ask me any questions."

"No, there's something else," Finn ploughed on.

Kurt blanched but decided to be the better man about it, just like his dad had been with him. This was important stuff and if he could help Finn avoid trouble in the future by talking to him, then hell, he would do it. No matter how red in the face it was going to make him.

"Ok, let's hear it then," he said steeling himself for another very embarrassing moment in a countless string of embarrassing moments that was the last couple of days.

"Um…can you get AIDS from a cucumber?"

Kurt blinked, trying to drop the WTF that must surely be printed in big letters on his forehead right now.

"I mean-" Finn fumbled for words. "-Miss Holliday talked about AIDS and cucumbers…and I was worried about you because you eat them a lot."

Kurt stared at him for a while tough he couldn't say he wasn't relieved. When he got his voice back, he chuckled. "I really don't know if I'm supposed to be touched, embarrassed or simply mortified."

"So, um, I guess that's a no?"

"Yes, Finn. It's a no," Kurt stated. "You can't get AIDS or an STD from a cucumber. Or a cabbage, tomato and any other vegetable."

Finn raised an eyebrow. "Isn't tomato a fruit?"

Kurt rolled his eyes. "You're missing the point here, Finn," he stressed. The taller boy looked at him questioningly. "Which is: vegetables are good for you and don't give you diseases. They protect you from them and you should eat them." He huffed a big sigh. "Jeez, I feel like a kindergarten teacher."

"You'd be a good one," Finn deadpanned, ignoring Kurt's withering glance. "So…did you get that from your pamphlets?"

Apparently, cocker spaniels had longer attention spans than Kurt gave them credit for. Damn.

"Um…no, Finn." Kurt stuttered. "I got it from that mystical thing called common sense," he added snidely regaining his composure.

"Oh, yeah, I heard about that one somewhere," Finn said with a grin and Kurt just shook his head. "So what's in those pamphlets, then? If they're sex ed, maybe I should read them, too. You know, since I kinda really did think you can get a girl pregnant by sitting in a jacuzzi with her."

Kurt's eyes widened in panic. "No, Finn," he objected categorically. "Those pamphlets are definitely not for you, believe me."

"They made you do those weird, scary things with your face so they've got to be fun!" Finn persisted.

Kurt hid his face in his hands. "It's official," he said with resignation. "I'm a penguin."

Finn looked at him confused. "Did I miss something? You're a what?"

"A penguin, Finn," Kurt enunciated looking up at him. "A flightless marine bird that lives in Antarctica and has as much sex appeal as me."

"I know what penguins are!" Finn exclaimed in a hurt tone. "It's those funny guys that look like they're wearing tuxedos and can tap dance," he said with a proud grin.

Kurt raised an eyebrow at him.

"That's what they did in 'Happy Feet'!" Finn said defensively. "Not that I watched it or anything!" he added quickly. "Because it's for kids and it's a cartoon."

"It's actually a computer animation," Kurt said innocently.

"Yeah!" Finn exclaimed, animated. "And the special effects were so cool, like when they all danced together and…" he let his voice trail under Kurt's pointed stare. He cleared his throat, lowering his gaze. "I just might have caught a glimpse when my niece was watching it."

"You're just digging yourself a deeper grave, Finn," the smaller boy said wryly. "You don't have a niece," he added.

"What? How do you know I don't?"

Kurt rolled his eyes. "As far as I know, I'm your only sibling. And I don't have a daughter," he said levelly. "Well, the ninties were a blur but I don't think I was making anyone pregnant when I was five," he added wryly.

Finn seemed to finally get it. "Oh, a niece...I...I meant my cousin-" he let his voice trail under Kurt's gaze. "I really stepped into that one, didn't I?"

"Yup," Kurt agreed. "Though I don't see what the big deal is."

"Fine, it's not. I watch cartoons and I like it, there I said it."

"Good for you," Kurt quipped.

Finn just shook his head, frowning. "And how exactly did we get from penguins to family?"

"The miracles of a conversation with you, I guess," Kurt shot back wryly, running a hand through his bangs.

"It's a miracle I'm still talking to you and not punching you, you...you snide, look-my-zingers-are-so-witty guy." Finn huffed. "I mean, why do you say you're a penguin? What's this about?"

Kurt sighed. Sarcasm and zingers could only get him so far. Besides, he'd told Finn so much already, he might as well tell him everything.

"Well, I have as much sex appeal. And I can't make a sultry face."

"A sultry-" Finn stopped short. "Dude, why would you want to make a sultry face?" he asked guardedly. "Do I even wanna know?"

"We're trying to sex the Warblers up for Regionals," Kurt explained. "And I suck at it," he said, plopping himself despondently on his bed. "I'm a penguin. A hopeless, sexless, lonely baby penguin."

Finn blinked. There was a deeper undercurrent in Kurt's tone that made Finn realize this was serious. His stepbrother was very strong in so many ways and Finn admired him for it but at the same time there was a fragility and vulnerability to him that not many people noticed or understood. For some reason, Finn was always able to sense that and it was one of those things that subconsciously made him even more fiercely protective of the smaller boy.

"Hey, you're not some stupid, tap-dancing bird," he said patting Kurt's shoulder. "You're a person. True, maybe not the sexiest-"

"Is this supposed to be helping?"

"Let me finish!" Finn huffed at him. "So...um, you're not the sexiest and you take too long in the bathroom and you're sassy and you talk way too much," he continued pointedly, not heeding Kurt's withering gaze. "But no one in their right minds who's ever met you cares about those things. And you know why? Because on top of that, you're a strong, compassionate, inspiring person, Kurt. Someone to look up to and respect," he added earnestly. "A person whose humor I never seem to get but still." He grinned at Kurt, whose eyes had become strangely glossy throughout his off-the-cuff speech. "And you're definitely not lonely. Not while I'm alive," he said with all seriousness.

Kurt stared at him, his eyes a lucid blue.

Finn shifted uneasily under his gaze. "Anyways…that's how I feel. And I'm not afraid to say this out loud. Even if it makes me a total sap or softie or whatever."

"You are a total sap," Kurt sniffled, rubbing at his eyes and letting out a chuckle. "But I wouldn't have it any other way," he added.

The taller boy grinned at him. "You're saying I'm amazing just the way I am, weirdo?" he asked teasingly.

"That's exactly what I'm saying," Kurt uttered in all seriousness. "And I have a song to prove it."

The grin on Finn's face widened. "Funny, so do I."

"So you're saying I'm amazing, too, Frankenteen?"

"And don't even bother asking if you look ok." Finn quipped. "And you're stuck with me. Whether you like it or not."

"That wasn't in the lyrics."

"It is in my version," Finn said. Then he looked at Kurt excitedly. "Hey, does this mean we've got, like, our song?"

Kurt stared at him. Finn never ceased to amaze him. "No, Finn. That's way too gay," he quipped but his voice was filled with warmth.

The taller boy looked at him and chuckled. Finn's joy was way too contagious and Kurt found himself laughing, too. Finn only stopped when a powerful rumble resounded from the general direction of his stomach.

"Hey, are you eating that?" he motioned at the half-eaten toast on the vanity.

Kurt stared at him, then shook his head. "Cocker spaniel," he muttered. "No. You can have it."

"Thanks, man. I'm starving. Mr. Schue's really been working our fingers, I mean legs, to the bone at Glee. I think he's really freaked out about, well, you. And Coach Sylvester."

"And you're rehearsing this hard, huh?"

"Yeah. We'll totally kick your asses. We're freaked out but we will."

"Not if we do our Warbler sexplosion," Kurt objected haughtily. Then his face fell. "Which I won't be a part of because I'll be cowering in the last row trying not to scare the judges."

"Hey, it's all a matter of practice," Finn said over the last bite of toast. "How about we try those sultry faces?" he suggested excitedly, putting the empty plate away. "It's nothing difficult!"

"Like you know anything about it."

"Of course I do! Watch and learn!" Finn huffed and made his impression of sultry.

"If this is your sultry, then you're an even worse penguin than I am. How on Gaga's meat dress did you ever get a girlfriend? Two?"

"Well, they're both in Celibacy Club so sultry isn't their thing so much...And there's nothing wrong with my faces!" he exclaimed, giving it another shot.

That was too much for Kurt. He cracked up and soon there were tears in his eyes again but this time, they were tears of joy. Finn stuck his tongue out at him in the mirror.

"You think that's funny? Let's see yours then."

Kurt took a deep breath and tried it.

"Ok, that was plain scary. Don't ever do that again. Especially at Regionals. If you want to win, that is," he said in a mock frightened voice. "Hey, how about a sexy face?" he suggested.

Kurt tried and gave him a wayward look. "I swear, if you're doing this to make funny pictures of me..."

"I already have your pictures in a pink apron and a Target tee," Finn deadpanned. "That's enough blackmail material for life."

Kurt rolled his eyes.

"So, give me your sexy."

They ended up doing impressions of their fellow Gleeks, teachers and various animals until their faces hurt, and some more after that. When they ran out of ideas, they just stuck their tongues and squinted at each other.

Kurt snorted at Finn's squinty face and Finn joined him, nudging him playfully in the side. He underestimated his strength, though, and pushed the smaller boy too hard. The next thing Finn knew, Kurt's legs were in the air and he was falling backwards on his ass. He grabbed Finn's arm for support but only ended up dragging the other boy with him. They landed in a tangle of hands and legs on the floor.

They looked at each other in a stunned silence for a while…and burst out laughing again, rolling on the floor.

When their faces and stomachs started hurting from all the laughing, and they started to calm down, Kurt nudged a little closer to Finn. They stared at the ceiling in companionable silence, their legs propped on the vanity bench. Finn put an arm around Kurt and the smaller boy nestled into his side, sighing contentedly.

"Thank you, Finn."

"For what?"

"I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard."

"Me too. And I know why – I think my face is paralyzed now," Finn observed moving his jaw gingerly. He looked down at Kurt cuddled into his side. "So you think you'll be able to pull off a sexy grin?"

Kurt sighed. "Nope. I'm still a penguin. But I don't feel so bad about it anymore."

"Well, if it's any consolation, I'm as much a penguin as you, bro."

"Actually, it is." Kurt smiled. "And you really need to work on your sexy faces."

Finn laughed lightly and Kurt pecked him on the cheek. Thus relaxed and reassured, he might actually survive the talk about 'mechanics' with his dad that he knew was coming. Ugh. Maybe when he was thirty.


So, this is it, guys:) Kurt's baby penguin line was too adorable not to put a Furt spin on it;) I hope you liked this and have a great weekend! And please review before you go:)

* Also, the line "the ninties were a blur..." is in homage to the one and only Chris Colfer, from his interview on Chelsea Lately (a wonderful interview but then again, aren't all with Chris?:).