[A/N. This chapter is kind of silly, but that's because I decided that my original idea for Snape's revenge, whilst rather funny, wasn't probably completely appropriate for a story anyone can read, so I had to change it a little bit, and tone it down. I hope you still enjoy it though.]

Chapter twenty-nine: Snape's revenge.

"HOMEWORK?" Seamus Finnigan exclaimed. "But Sir- it's almost Christmas."

"There are still another three weeks until Christmas Mr. Finnigan," Snape replied smoothly. "And if you think that you're not going to learn in those three weeks you're very much mistaken. And especially when this year is such an important year in your wizarding education. You are sixth year students. Next year you take your NEWTS. Or don't you care about your NEWTS Mr. Finnigan?"

Finnigan muttered that he did care about NEWTS, and Snape looked around the classroom thoughtfully. It had now been exactly three days since he'd met with the stranger and although the furore surrounding that Skeeter woman's article was beginning to die down Snape wasn't backing down about getting his revenge. There was no way he was going to let some muggle woman- he'd found out over the past few days that Kylie was fairly well known in the muggle world for both being a singer, and for wearing a particular style of pants known stupidly enough as "hotpants"- get the better of him that was for damn sure. Apart from the smart comments from students Dumbledore had told him the other day that he found the article quite a "comic relief", especially after all the troubles they'd had over the last year and a half. Snape knew he was referring to the times since Potter had came back to them with tales of Voldemort's resurgence, at the end of his fourth year.

"Although," Snape said slowly. "When I think about the results of some people's OWLS I begin to wonder whether they're very likely to even get one NEWT." And here he looked over at Neville Longbottom, who turned a bright red shade.

"I'm sure everyone here will do just fine." Granger commented.

"Indeed." Snape said softly. "Well you better thank your Gryffindor classmates Slytherins, since their behaviour has induced me to increase that homework-I now want no less than four pieces of parchment on the topic."

There were groans and complaints from both sides of the classroom as the bell rang. When they'd left the classroom Snape sighed and dropped down into his chair. He was feeling particularly annoyed about things lately- since the article had come out he had increased homework and given detentions left, right and center in a vain attempt to stop the student's laughing, or smirking whenever they saw him. Unfortunately this didn't work, but Snape was glad he had a journalist on his side, and he'd be getting revenge. He sighed again and got up and went to the Great Hall for lunch.

"I'll sing you a song of love and happiness,

It's sickliness outdone only by it's sappiness.

My life has been incomplete,

Until I met this sexy piece of meat.

I met a professor with greasy skin and oily hair,

And I thought oh baby, yeah.

I chased him far, and I chased him near,

My eyes were intent upon his sexy rear.

But when I finally got him I wondered why I'd even tried,

Because there's something he wants to hide.

When we got into bed,

It was simply dead."

"PEEVES!" Snape roared his face scarlet with anger, and specks of spit flying from his mouth as he yelled. "HOW DARE YOU? I AM A PROFESSOR HERE AND I DESERVE YOUR RESPECT!" Another sound made him whirl around and he saw three girls standing there, smiles on their faces. "AND WHY AREN'T YOU AT LUNCH? DETENTION TO YOU ALL, AND FIFTY POINTS OFF YOUR HOUSE."

"Severus." Said a mild voice. "What's the problem? Girls- go on into lunch." Dumbledore was eyeing them with curiosity.

Snape pointed at Peeves, who was doing cartwheels in mid-air, grinning insanely. "That- that-"

"Poltergeist?" Dumbledore suggested.

"-Was making up songs about me." Snape managed to say. "And not exactly flattering songs either."

"Ah." Dumbledore nodded. "And not the first time he's made up songs about people either. In fact I believe he had one about me just last month in which I was a batty old codger. Quite a catching tune too. I used to hum it all the time."

"Headmaster," Snape said, still furious. "I don't appreciate him making things worse than they already are."

"Right." Dumbledore said slowly. "I know what he was singing about. Severus, I think we should go into lunch. I am starving. My stomach has been growling at me quite fiercely for the last half-hour. I could eat a hippogriff."

"But Headmaster, Sir, aren't you going to do anything about this?" Snape asked, indicating Peeves, who was still practicing his mid-air acrobatics.

"Not on an empty stomach at least." Dumbledore replied, and he went into the Great Hall.

Snape hesitated, glaring at Peeves, and then followed him into the hall for lunch. 'Could things get much worse for him?' He wondered, and then remembered that in just over a week he would be off to America and if he didn't go would be put in jail with a bunch of muggles. It looked as though things could get worse, but he was looking forward to his meeting with Lockhart that afternoon more than ever.

"Well?" Snape demanded a little over two hours later as a smiling Leroy Lockhart resplendent in bright pink robes and a matching hat entered Snape's office.

Lockhart smiled as he took his seat. "Cold day isn't it? I am not exactly fond of this weather and have been debating taking a holiday in the Bahamas for some time now."

"Excuse me if I don't chose to indulge in the niceties of small talk, Lockhart." Snape said. "But I am rather anxious to see it."

Lockhart nodded. "Yes, I can imagine you would be. I'm sure you've probably had a pretty rough time of it. I've heard the gossip in both Hogsmeade and London, and I can imagine it would be pretty bad here too. Kids can be cruel."

"Indeed." Snape muttered.

Lockhart handed over an advance copy of the next morning's Daily Prophet and Snape unfolded it, skimmed the front page and then smiled. "Yes, this should do perfectly. Hopefully once people have read this I won't get any more smart comments." He said and he handed it back to Lockhart.

*****

The next morning Snape hummed to himself as he went down for breakfast. The first person he encountered was a Slytherin second year girl. "Professor Snape." She called. "You won't believe what's in the paper?"

"Really?" Snape asked smoothly. "Show me."

She handed over the paper and Snape read it as though it were the first time he'd seen it. "A Daily Prophet Exclusive! That sounds interesting Miss. Martin." He said.

She nodded. "It's very interesting. I have to go to breakfast Professor Snape. You can read that on your way." And she hurried off.

Snape put the paper under his arm and made his way into the Great Hall. A few people were looking at him thoughtfully, but most hadn't read it yet, although the teachers had, and they were looking at him as he took his seat and opened the paper. "Miss Martin gave this to me and told me I'd be interested in it. I wonder what it is." Snape said idly, as he made a big show of unfolding it. His eyes widened at the pictures on the front page. In the first picture Kylie, half-naked, was dancing around a pole. In the second photo, Kylie was kissing a woman. Snape raised an eyebrow. "Hmmm." He said. "Story written by Louise Lockerby, friend of muggle singer Kylie Minogue. Interesting."

"Read the article Severus," McGonagall urged. "I am sure after what she said about you, you're going to love this."

Snape cleared his throat, and then he read out loud. "This story stems from an article seen in The Daily Prophet the other day by Rita Skeeter. As I read the aforementioned article my anger grew. Skeeter was making out things I knew to be completely untrue, and my blood boiled. I believe in the integrity of journalism, and this woman was flaunting terrible lies about the place. Let me explain. Kylie, the muggle singer, and I grew up together. She never knew I was a witch and simply though I went to boarding school. So of all people I am pretty qualified to write this story. Over the years our friendship has grown and we're now pretty tight (for proof see the above picture) so when she expressed an interest in Severus Snape I wasn't exactly pleased. I was worried that he would be a threat to our relationship. In the article by Skeeter the other day she claimed to be quoting Kylie however the information presented in the article was false. Kylie did indeed go to the movie premiere, leaving me at home. She did indeed meet Severus Snape there, and they did indeed leave together. But that's about as far as the truth goes. Kylie expressed an interest in Severus Snape, but Severus Snape was a complete gentleman and refused her advances. The reason he did this? Well it was because I had spoken to him earlier to tell him not only about the relationship between Kylie and I, but also about Kylie's other hobby- that of exotic dancing. When Severus Snape found this out he was pretty put off by the whole thing, and therefore when Kylie tried to convince him to do something after the movie premiere he told her in no uncertain terms he didn't think she was his type. When I spoke to Kylie she was furious about this, and she told me that he would pay. How did he pay? Well he paid by Skeeter's lying, inaccurate account in the paper the other day. In short, the interview was nothing more than Kylie's revenge and I am not about to stand by and let an innocent, upstanding man like Professor Severus Snape's name be sullied by this muggle woman who is allergic to the truth. For the record our relationship is also now finished, so in making up things Kylie has lost everything." Snape finished reading, and assumed what he thought was a shocked expression.

"What do you say about that?" Flitwick squeaked.

"When we commented on the article why didn't you tell us? Why didn't you say something so the students and wizarding world haven't been talking about you so much lately?" McGonagall demanded.

"I couldn't." Snape said, trying to keep a straight face. "It was…well it was a little bit embarrassing, and I didn't want to go around talking about her like that. She's a nice girl and all….but…."

"I wouldn't ever have pegged you for a gentleman like that Severus." McGonagall replied. "Well you've surprised us all- and pleasantly too."

Snape smiled slightly, and then the breakfast begun. By lunchtime everyone in the school would have read the story and there would be no more sly comments or looks, and the rest of the wizarding world would be applauding his manners, when in reality they should be applauding Lockhart's genius.