Abandoned
The fire crackled in the hearth as Hermione pressed her face once more into the fall of Severus' hair, taking comfort in his solid presence and the quiet that surrounded them. It hadn't been long since they had apparated into his living room from the attic but Hermione could feel the silence pressing in on her. Still she struggled to find the words to tell her story. She was grateful for Severus' patience as she warred with her own thoughts, his only movement the gentle track of his fingers through her hair as he held her close.
"It was never going to work, Ron and I," she said finally.
The only indication that Severus had heard was the brief cessation of his caress before he resumed the gentle stroking.
"Harry had Ginny and it seemed the logical move for he and I to come together, kept everything in a nice, neat little package. It all started in our sixth year; everything was so confusing and frightening. Harry and his meetings with Dumbledore, the Death Eater attacks, suspicions over what was happening with Draco. I felt so alone and anxious and I had no one I could talk to," she said, "My parents didn't understand so all I had was Harry and Ron, but they seemed to be moving on without me. I got jealous over Ron's relationship with Lavender and, when I thought he had started to like me instead, I swooned like the stupid little girl I was. Then everything happened with Dumbledore…I'm sorry…"
"Don't," said Severus, "Don't apologise for bringing it up. I can only imagine how terrible that was for you all."
"For us? What about you? Forced to kill him to give us even half a chance," said Hermione.
"We all did what we had to do in the war," said Severus. "I was a man; you were still a child for all the maturity you had even then. Regardless of what that moment means to me, what's important right now is what it meant to you because it shaped you and your actions. Dumbledore died at the hand of your teacher whose allegiance you had questioned for years."
"Felt like we'd lost the only light guiding us," said Hermione. "And on the back of that, Harry began talking about hunting down the horcruxes and suddenly we became this odd little band of freedom fighters without one bloody clue what we were doing. Everything was panic and fear from the moment we left the Burrow. We were locked in Grimmauld Place together for what felt like forever and then in a bloody tent with Ron sick and each of us taking it in turns to wear that horcrux. You've worked with teenagers long enough to understand what happens when three young people are kept in confined spaces for too long and with Harry still pining for Ginny, well…"
"I can imagine things were intense," said Severus, his dry tone causing Hermione to chuckle.
"Nothing happened between us until after we reached Hogwarts and then we didn't know if we'd survive the night. When we did…relief and then more uncertainty, it made sense, logically, for us to stay together. Damn my logic for all it's worth, I knew from day one we were doomed. You know I went to back school, don't you?"
"To take your NEWTs," said Severus. "Minerva told me. I hardly think you needed to but I understand why you needed to. Your results were brilliant, of course."
"You knew my results?" said Hermione, moving enough to look up at him.
"I kept a brief eye on things when I could," said Severus, the pride in her apparent in his face. "Besides, with Minerva as my nurse as well as her overseeing everything at Hogwarts, I could hardly be expected to not to hear about the pride of Gryffindor. Despite outward appearances, I was so proud of you even then."
Hermione smiled sadly, resting her head back on his shoulder as her arm tightened around his waist. "How I wanted someone like you back then," she said softly. "Despite it all, I felt like a failure. My parents were still gone. I had yet to master the reversal of the obliviate I'd put on them and the Ministry said I had to be the one to undo it. My other family, the Weasleys and Harry, they made all the right noises of course but I knew they didn't understand why I went back. Harry had been immediately accepted on Auror training after the war and along went Ron on his coat tails as always. They were working whilst I remained a schoolgirl and no one got that. Even Ginny didn't understand. I felt as though they were indulging me. I even remember Arthur saying after all the stress sometimes things crack. That was what they thought, that I'd gone a bit batty after everything and I needed Hogwarts as some sort of prop. Maybe I did. They weren't being cruel, they just didn't understand. It got worse after I left though."
She felt Severus' arms tighten as she fought back another sob, the soft touch of his lips against her forehead drawing a sigh from her as she let her eyes fall shut.
"You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to," he said when she stayed silent.
"I'm just worried it will sound foolish," said Hermione, sadly. "Given my present company and everything you've been through."
"You should not measure your pain against mine," said Severus. "We are completely different people, made of everything we've experienced. My past is mine and yours is yours and it's caused you pain. You should not feel foolish if telling me will relieve you of some of that."
Hermione opened her eyes as he tucked a finger beneath her chin, his hand moving to caress her cheek with the backs of his fingers. "Being here with you helps more than I can say," she said. "I didn't realise how lonely I was until I found you again."
Severus smiled. "I knew I was lonely," he said, "I just didn't know that you would be the one to chase that away. You barrelled back into my life like a beautiful, broken dream and I won't rest until I see you smile without one hint of sadness in your eyes. Tell me what hurt you so I can heal it."
"My apprenticeship," said Hermione, resting her head back on his shoulder. "After Hogwarts I sat down with Minerva and we discussed my future. She suggested, given that Potions had become my speciality, that I apprentice at the Ministry and then look to a role in specialist research. I agreed whole-heartedly that that very path would be perfect for me, constant learning. So I asked her to find me a position which she duly did within a day. I was living at the Burrow and the owl came there just before dinner but I waited until everyone was seated and then I told them. I thought I'd be congratulated. I thought Arthur would tell me this, that and the other about the Ministry and all its foibles, but instead all I heard was Molly asking me what about Ron and our children. I was so confused, it took me a moment to realise she meant the children we were yet to have. I wasn't yet twenty and Ron…dear, stupid Ron, tried his best to calm things, said we were nowhere near ready for marriage or children though I could hear the lie in his voice. He wanted exactly what his mother did and there I was defying that."
"As is your right," said Severus, his arms releasing her as she pushed up to her feet in favour of pacing the carpet. "Half the reason you fought the battles you did was for the right to determine your own future."
"Tell that to my former would-be mother in law," said Hermione, wringing her hands in front of her as she paced. "I should have ended things then but I was frightened of what would come after if I did. I started my apprenticeship, my mentor was a very gentle and quiet man who let me make so many mistakes, you would have hated him, but he never became more than a teacher and potions making is such a singular pursuit that I didn't make many friends. Once I mastered the spell to revert the obliviate I went to Australia, found my parents, and undid what I had done only it didn't work to its fullest. I restored their memories but I couldn't restore their love for me. They knew me but they didn't care, much as we all tried to pretend it wasn't happening. My parents no longer loved me and I…I…"
"I know," said Severus, the depth of his voice making Hermione's heart break for them both.
"I came home," continued Hermione. "Looked for solace in the other family I had. Ron then took to the rather stupid idea of proposing as a way to comfort me. If he'd done it privately maybe things would have been different but no, he did it in front of everyone. I hesitated and then I ran. He followed me into the garden, and that's where we finally talked, really talked, and realised that we were going nowhere. He was gracious and I was so relieved. We agreed to remain friends and I finally felt free. Sadly, Molly didn't take the news so well. She lectured me for almost an hour on how I was ruining everyone's hopes and dreams, that the wedding had been planned. She had even been restoring the crib she had kept her children in. It didn't matter what I wanted at all, the contents of my womb was far more important to her than anything in my head. I left that night, went to stay with Harry and Ginny at Grimmauld Place, Molly followed the morning after, and the rest is history. She made things so difficult for them all is she knew they were spending time with me and all I could do to help them was to leave them be."
Severus rose, stepping behind her and placing his hands on her shoulders. "They should have fought harder for you," he said, the anger barely contained in his voice.
"And lost their own family too?" said Hermione. "No, my darling, they did the best they could for themselves and I don't blame them. Harry was taken in by Molly and the others when he had no one and I can't blame any of her children. I just wish I hadn't been left so alone for so long. I lost everyone, Severus, and it felt like I was eleven years old again, thrust into a world I didn't understand. It all sounds so silly now that I've said it out loud."
"It doesn't sound silly at all," said Severus. "You've been hurt so badly through no fault of your own."
Hermione laughed but there was little mirth in it. "I did obliviate my own parents," she said.
"To save their lives," said Severus. "You can't really be blamed for that. Can I do anything to help? I could talk to Harry or even Molly if you want me to."
Hermione turned, slipping her arms around his waist as she pressed her forehead to his chest. "Just having you listen is helping," she said. "I think what hurts the most is the fact that I was considered worth no more than marrying and producing children. All I've ever wanted to do was learn and keep learning. It isn't even as if she is consistent. Ginny is happily living in sin with Harry without Molly pushing anything about marriage or children, but heaven forbid that anything interrupt Ginny's sporting career."
Severus chuckled. "Consistency has never been Molly Weasley's strong point," he said. "I'm so sorry this happened to you."
"But if it hadn't, I wouldn't take on the role of Potions Mistress and then I wouldn't have you and this wonderful thing that's starting between us," she said, turning her face up to his. "Can you see why I'm frightened though? Every I care for seems to leave."
"Well I won't," said Severus. "Even if we stay just as we are now. I will always be your friend."
"And you'll always be my friend," said Hermione. "Whatever we become. Even if The Prophet tries its damnedest to tear us apart. According to them I had a foursome with Victor, Fleur, and Harry during the Tri-Wizard Tournament, did you know?"
"Indeed," chuckled Severus, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "Let the bloody Prophet print what it likes. Their opinion and the opinion of those who read it will never sway me. How are you feeling?"
"Lighter," said Hermione with a soft sigh. "But I must look an utter fright."
Severus' hands left her waist to frame her face, his thumbs rubbing the tear tracks that lingered there. "I think you look beautiful," he said, honesty filling every word with a weight that Hermione felt settle around her like a blanket.
"You're very sweet," she said, then blushed as her stomach growled loudly.
"And you're very hungry," said Severus, his smile at her mortified expression chasing away some of her embarrassment as she stepped from his embrace, rubbing her stomach to silence it.
"There I go, killing the mood," she said.
"When did you last eat?" asked Severus.
"Last night," said Hermione, smiling sheepishly as he frowned. "I was too anxious about the house to eat breakfast."
"Well then, I shall go and find us some lunch," he said. "And then we can go and see this house of yours. Is that acceptable to you?"
"Sounds like a plan," said Hermione, happily tucking herself against his side as he led them both into the small kitchen beyond.
