Hi people :)
Just wanted to get this out there so I can get a jump on the next chapter, which will be up later this week. Hopefully I can finish it Thursday or Friday, since I think I have plans Saturday...Anyway, I hope you enjoy this. I promise you that this is the last chapter that's going to be focused around all the crap this story has been dealing with lately. Fresh starts and new characters on the horizon people :)
Disclaimer: Don't own Sherlock...
Sherlock was true to his promise, or as true as he could be. While he still felt this overwhelming sense of emptiness, this dark presence at the edge of his mind, every day that presence ebbed, the darkness and biting cold replaced with the light and warmth emitted by his best friend. John was a beacon, drawing out the demons that conspired to destroy him and whispered horrible thoughts in his ear. The demons brought along the emotions that had been bottled up inside; the endless fear, anger, frustration, loneliness and guilt. The demons made him feel worthless, they tried to convince him that the world did not care if he lived or died. The demons strained the few relationships he held close to his heart, they tried to convince him that John didn't care and that Mycroft didn't either. Mycroft abandoned you, they whispered in his ear. He left you alone with Father, he left you alone to rot in that hell hole. They tried to tell him that John was better without him, that he was dampening his best friend's beautiful light with his own shadows. They brought panic so intense it knocked the wind out of him and made it near impossible to breathe. But they were wrong, they were wrong and he just had to ignore them. And, gradually, as the monsters were coaxed out of the clouded recesses of the brilliant mind, they were vanquished. Burned up by the all encompassing light or driven back further than ever before, to the point where Sherlock could almost forget they existed. The thoughts no longer attacked his mind and the memories no longer resurfaced with each punch and kick from the bullies. He finally felt at ease again, he could relax and enjoy the small comforts of his life, like the weak late-fall sun on his face as the wind whipped around him as he trekked around campus with John in tow. He wasn't afraid of the bullies, he wasn't afraid that the next punch or nasty comment would push him over the edge and ruin all his progress. Finally he could smile without pain and without the knowledge that the tight grin plastered on his face was fake. And it was wonderful, to feel so light, to be able to try to be a little more normal. He felt like he was floating, but in a good way. Day by day he felt better and better, the pain and memories barely fazed him. He was no longer kept from sleep night in and night out by the horrible nightmares. Sure, he didn't sleep nearly enough to be considered normal, but no longer was he afraid of sleep. He felt like eating more often too, even if it might have just been in an effort to make John feel better. He felt more confident, he felt like he could say anything for being judged and ridiculed. Nobody's opinion mattered except John, he could finally admit this to himself after so many months of friendship. He was finally ready to truly accept that he had a friend and it felt incredible. He was different now, John had made him different, had made him want to be different, and different was good. The past was in the past and his future was blazing bright.
And so, on the now more infrequent nights when he woke up a sweaty, whimpering mess from the demons that visited him only in his dreams, he would roll over and see John kneeling at his bedside. He would let his eyes slip shut and concentrate on his breathing like he knew he was supposed to, and John would place a hand on his shaking shoulder. They would sit there for a few minutes, just calming down. After a while, John would ask if Sherlock was okay. He would nod, because frankly, he was okay. The images in his dreams couldn't hurt him anymore, they couldn't make him feel guilty. He didn't have to be afraid of Father or relapsing or anything else. John would wait there until Sherlock's breathing steadied out and he stopped shuddering, and then he'd give Sherlock one more pat on the shoulder or brush a few errant curls from his friend's glistening forehead before going back to bed himself. And, in the morning, they would wake up slowly like always. John's alarm would go off (since Sherlock could never manage to set one himself) and he'd shake Sherlock awake. They'd shower and change and Sherlock would take his medication, but before going out the door, John would ask Sherlock if he was okay one more time. And Sherlock would just nod, and if John asked what the nightmare was about this time, he would answer honestly. He had nothing to hide. Most of the time it was the usual, the same pattern as the first one John had witnessed: beatings, cutting, drugs, and John. Sometimes it would be different, but he would always make sure to be honest with John. He'd describe whatever happened in as much detail as he could remember or manage without feeling involuntary tears prickle at the back's of his eyes, because no matter how much he tried to convince himself that he was fine, sometimes his body thought otherwise. And despite the fact that it made John feel horribly sad to hear all these stories from Sherlock's past, it somehow made him feel closer. It gave him faith, that Sherlock was really, truly trying to be open about his life, that he was finally finding his own way to move on. And, when John seemed satisfied with his answer, Sherlock would just give him a reassuring smile. Things were fine, he was fine and John didn't have to worry. They'd go to class and Sherlock would keep his head held high, unlike before. He'd make scathing remarks at the intelligence of the other students, earning himself angry looks. He spoke out more often, correcting teachers with a cocky smirk plastered on his face. John's heart would always leap when Sherlock smirked like that because, finally, gone were the days of blank looks and masks so close to being shattered. Sherlock's face showed so much genuine emotion, a variety that John had scarcely seen before, especially not in the presence of others. Now he would simply ignore all the insults and slurs that had once threatened to tear him down, choosing to focus on his studies. Their stupid opinions didn't matter because Sherlock was important and cared for in the eyes of the only person that mattered.
But, with all these new feelings swirling in Sherlock's convoluted brain, something strange seemed to break the surface every so often. He didn't understand it, not properly. It was just this...feeling about John. It wasn't always there, it faded occasionally before coming back with a vengeance. It was strange, but it was like he wanted more. More of what, he wasn't sure. He now found himself relishing in John's fleeting touches, from the playful, friendly shoves to the soothing hands on his shoulder when he felt like everything was coming undone. He felt himself wishing these times would come around more and more, he'd brush up against John just to feel him there. His heart would skip a beat every time he was John smile. His best friend's smile was so infectious, he could feel his own lips twitch for no reason. He couldn't help but feel happy when John was around and it kind of freaks him out. He doesn't know what this feeling is, but he is sure he's going to figure it out.
Sorry this chapter wasn't my favorite, I just needed to get it out of the way. Adorable fluffy sick!fic times to come!
Okay...time for a rundown on how this is going to work. I've finally decided that this will eventually end up being Johnlock. It's going to take a while though, and it'll definitely be slow building and one-sided for a while. It's going to take a long time for John to come to terms with his sexuality and realize his real feelings for Sherlock, and he's going to go through quite a bit of denial before finally admitting it. It will take a jarring event to make him realize though...I have some not so nice plans...
Bye :D and see you all (hopefully?) soon!
