Author's note: Okay, I'm going to keep this brief, because I know you're all going to really want to read on. So, normal chapter notes etc. will be at the end of this chapter.
Warnings: Language, smut, the usual.
(This is the chapter where Dean finally proposes holy shit I hope you're all as excited for this as I am)
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of the character's in it, I also do not own the song this story is named after, or the band who wrote it.
(Proposal time!)
Chapter 29
Dean and Castiel shared a happy silence on the way back from the party. It was pretty late, and Dean could feel himself growing sleepy as the darkness outside of the impala threatened to swallow the two of them whole.
Cas had finished his book a few weeks ago. He'd sent it off to a publishing company to ask them if they'd be interested in it—he'd been hugely nervous about doing this; which Dean felt he understood—well, it was a pretty massive step for Cas to make—but he was seriously proud of Cas for doing it. He was kind of proud of Cas for everything that he'd managed to do.
They'd be getting word back on it in just a week or so. Dean could tell that Cas was nervous about it—he looked out into the distance every now and then, fiddling with his hands—whenever he had to write more for the show, he always seemed more reluctant now, than he used to; it was like he felt as though going near his laptop would curse any chances he had of good luck. Maybe it was just that he was dreading the publisher's response so much that the thought of writing anything terrified him.
"Thank you for tonight, Dean." Castiel beamed, breaking the comfortable silence which had fallen. "It was wonderful."
"Hey, it's no problem." Dean grinned. "I'm glad you liked it."
"I did. But I can imagine that Gabriel would have been pretty hard to deal with while you were organising this; so thank you very much."
Dean laughed, at that.
"Yeah, he can be pretty quirky—"
"Infuriating." Castiel corrected, rolling his eyes. Dean laughed again.
"You said it, not me—I'd rather not be the one who insults your family, if that's alright with you."
"I suppose that's fine." Castiel laughed, as Dean parked the impala and the two of them got out.
Dean stifled a yawn as he unlocked the door of their apartment, and Castiel gave him an affectionate smile and grazed his hand up the length of Dean's arm.
"Tired?" He asked, grinning amusedly at Dean.
"Just a bit." Dean chuckled, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his palm.
"Maybe you should get to bed." Castiel smiled, kissing the corner of Dean's mouth, softly.
"Would that be alright?" Dean asked, taking Cas' hand in his own and squeezing it tenderly.
"Yes, of course." Castiel nodded, laughing softly. "I'm just going to get a drink of water, but then I'll join you in bed."
Dean grinned and kissed Cas' lips.
"Yeah?" He chuckled. "And then what?"
"You'll have to wait and see." Castiel winked. He grazed his nose softly against Dean's. "Go and get in bed. I'll be with you in a moment."
Dean trudged sleepily into their bedroom and stripped off his clothing. He was already lying down by the time Cas came in.
"Wow." The darker haired man laughed. "You really are tired, aren't you?"
"I told you, didn't I?" Dean grumbled from the bed. Castiel chuckled, and Dean could hear him changing, even with his face pressed firmly into the pillow. Castiel slipped down into the bed beside Dean, kissing him softly just behind his ear.
"I love you." Dean felt himself smile.
"I love you, too." Castiel laughed.
"Twenty-eight, tomorrow." Dean grinned, rolling himself over to face Cas. "How does that feel?" He grinned.
"Normal." Castiel shrugged, rolling his eyes at Dean. Dean laughed as he watched the corners of Cas' mouth twisting upwards, slightly.
"You're getting old." Dean chuckled, softly.
"You're going to be thirty, come January." Cas countered.
"Yeah." Dean laughed. "But that's months away."
"It'll come sooner than you think."
"You're right—in fact, I'm starting to wonder if maybe I'm a little too old for you."
"I think you might be." Castiel chuckled. "Even with it being my birthday tomorrow."
"It is a pretty massive age gap."
"We'll probably have to break up because of it."
"I think we might." Dean grinned. "It'll break my heart, Cas, but I guess it's for the best."
Castiel laughed and pulled Dean tightly against his body, to kiss firmly at his lips.
"But then, you're such a good kisser." Castiel bit his lip in mock uncertainty, still smirking down at Dean. "It won't be easy to let you go."
"You'd have a tough time finding someone who's as good as me in the sack, too." Dean grinned.
"That's true." Castiel admitted. "But then, I feel like the years between us divide us just a little too much."
"That hurts, Cas." Dean nodded his head, faking a sad kind of understanding. "But I understand. I mean, I would've been—what? A year and half old when you were born? Over that?"
"I think a few months over that, yes." Castiel nodded his head, attempting to look severe. Dean burst out laughing at the sight. Castiel glanced down to him and grinned widely, before pressing his lips against Dean's again.
"How about one last fuck, before we part ways?" Dean grinned. Castiel laughed and grazed his nose against Dean's.
"Sounds good to me, I suppose." He shrugged. Dean grinned and rolled Cas on top of him, sliding his hands further down Castiel's body.
They built each other's arousal up slowly, languidly—it was all soft laughter and muffled giggles against the other's skin. Dean loved it; he loved how his mouth ached from smiling up at Castiel, he loved how sweat beaded in tiny pinpricks across Cas' skin, he loved the way that the two of them flopped, tiredly, back down onto the bed when they had finished; lazy smiles drawing themselves across their faces.
"I think actually breaking up with you might be a little difficult, after that." Castiel laughed, stretching himself out against the bed. Dean grinned and rolled over to face him.
"Yeah?" He laughed.
"Yeah." Castiel confirmed, still smirking. "You're really good in bed—you were right. I doubt I'd be able to find another boyfriend even half as good as you."
"I told you, didn't I?" Dean grinned.
"Yes, I suppose you did." Castiel chuckled, coiling his body tightly against Dean. "Maybe we should just stay together, after all."
"Maybe." Dean nodded, snorting slightly. "But are you sure you'll be able to deal with our age difference?"
"Hm." Castiel paused, pulling a thinking face. Dean laughed again and kissed the top of Cas' head. "It'll be tough." He admitted. "But I'm sure we'll find a way to manage."
Dean laughed again and wound his arms tightly around Castiel's body.
"I love you." He beamed, happily.
"I love you, too." Castiel chuckled.
"Happy birthday for tomorrow, Cas."
Castiel beamed against Dean and pressed a delicate kiss onto Dean's chest.
Dean had picked up the rings from Chuck, now, and they sat, quietly, in the pockets of his jeans, once more. Dean was waiting for the perfect time to propose, just as he had been, all that time ago—each time a moment wandered by; where Dean thought that possibly, maybe, now was the time to ask Cas; Dean found that he didn't have the guts. He didn't know why the thought scared him so much, it just did—Dean desperately wanted to marry Castiel; and yet, what that involved—specifically, actually asking Cas to marry him—was an incredibly terrifying thought. And Dean didn't know if he'd ever actually be able to do it.
He was too tired to be thinking like this. He needed to get some sleep. He needed to grow the fuck up, and just ask already.
When Dean woke up, he got out of bed as softly as possible, so as not to wake Castiel; and made his way into the kitchen to make Cas some breakfast. His gifts for Castiel were sat in the spare bedroom, and, when he had finished cooking breakfast, he picked them up and sat them gently at the foot of his and Castiel's bed. Dean woke Cas as softly as he could when he brought in his breakfast.
"Happy birthday, Cas." Dean beamed, pushing his hand softly through Cas' hair. Castiel mumbled something inaudible and stifled a yawn into his pillow. Dean chuckled quietly and grazed his fingers down Cas' neck. "C'mon, Cas, you've gotta get up."
Castiel groaned again but rolled over in the bed, sitting up slightly and rubbing his bleary eyes.
"Good morning." Dean grinned.
"Morning." Castiel mumbled back, sleepily.
"Happy birthday, Cas." Dean bent down to kiss the tip of Cas' nose softly.
Castiel blinked and rubbed his eyes again.
"Right." He nodded.
Dean chuckled quietly and ruffled Cas' hair, making Cas frown and pull a very tired face at him.
"It's your birthday."
"…I realised."
"I made you breakfast in bed."
Castiel blinked again. He looked down at the tray sat across his lap, and a small, sleepy smile played across his lips.
"Thank you." He said, his voice still gruff with sleep.
"Do you want to open your presents, too?" Dean grinned. Castiel looked up at him and smiled affectionately.
"Okay." He nodded. Dean picked the presents up from the end of the bed and placed them beside Castiel, before sitting down next to him, too.
"This one, first." Dean grinned, handing Cas an envelope. Castiel smiled and took it, opening it up. He snorted out a laugh as soon as he read the note, and it made Dean's grin spread even further.
The note read;
Dear Cas,
As a heads up, it's been over a month now. I still don't hate you. Hah. Suck it. I won the bet.
That said, you're still getting the blowjobs. Just like I promised. (Because I thought fifty bucks would be a kind of shitty present to give the love of your life, on their birthday. Also I really love having your dick in my mouth.)
So, this first present is a promise: You can have five blowjobs from me, whenever you want, wherever you want. (Within reason, obviously, you kinky bastard.)
And on a more serious note, happy birthday, Cas.
I know I'm not the best with words, and I wish I could change that; only so that I could tell you how much I love you. I love you so much. There's not a day that goes by where I'm not grateful for you agreeing to dance with me at your brother's party; where I'm not grateful for the fact that Sammy persuaded me to get out for once on that day; where I'm not grateful for the fact that you decided to look past my dickish façade and said yes to seeing me again. There's not a day that goes by where I'm not grateful for you taking me back, after everything; for you forgiving me; for you moving in with me; for you still loving me—which is still fucking crazy, by the way. I don't know what I did to deserve you, I don't know why it is that you love me, Cas, of all people; but I'm going to spend the rest of my life making you as happy as possible, I promise. I love you.
How the fuck I got from the topic of blowjobs to all this sentimental bullshit I'll never know.
Anyway, happy birthday, Castiel. I hope I get to spend many more with you.
All my love, Dean.
Castiel beamed as he read the note, and Dean bit his lip shyly, feeling himself blush somewhat. When Cas looked up, his eyes set themselves softly upon Dean's face.
"I love you too, Dean." He beamed. Dean had to duck his head.
"—The blowjob thing was kind of a joke—but like, I meant it—so whenever—"
"Could I get one now?" Castiel laughed.
Dean looked up at Cas' face and felt his own heat.
"—Sure." He nodded. Castiel laughed again and pulled Dean close to him for a soft lipped kiss.
"You only get five though, Cas, so you've gotta choose carefully."
"Of course." Castiel laughed.
Dean grinned and kissed Cas again, before moving all the things off their bed, and kissing down Cas' neck, slowly. He felt Castiel's hands wind their way into his hair, fingers twisting around the sandy tufts; and Dean grinned as he reached Cas' torso, sucking at a stretch of skin just above his waist. He liked the way that Cas' fingers knotted tighter into his hair, at that.
Dean bit, softly, at a spot on Cas' hipbones, before dragging his tongue softly, slowly, up the underside of Castiel's hardening cock. He glanced up at Cas to see him biting his lips as he stared down at Dean, one of his hands now gripping tightly at the sheets of the bed, the other still fisting at Dean's hair. Dean ran his tongue over the stretch of Cas' balls, having to bite down on a grin as he did so.
He tugged a few times at Cas' cock until it was completely hard in his hand, an action which earned him a few staggered moans from Castiel.
"You'll only have four left after this." Dean found himself laughing as he looked up at Cas. "Are you sure you want to use one, now?"
"—Dean," Castiel growled.
"Sorry, baby, just checking." Dean grinned, laughter still rumbling in his throat. He glanced back down at Cas' cock, mouthing and kissing softly at its head for a moment, before taking it inside his mouth. He hummed happily around it—he loved the feeling of its weighted, heavy presence inside his mouth, still. Castiel moaned again at the motion. One of Dean's hands found its way to the stretch of Castiel's stomach, and he palmed at it as he took Cas further inside his mouth, until he was eventually deep throating Castiel. Cas moaned loudly at the sensation, although Dean was unable to respond. He missed the taste of Cas' precome on his tongue, disliked the fact that he was no longer able to dart it around the head of Cas' cock—but those delicious moans which he was managing to pull from Cas' lips made all of that worth it.
He hollowed out his cheeks and bobbed his head up and down, and Cas' hand gripped even tighter at Dean's hair. Dean wasn't lying when he mentioned in Cas' letter how much he loved having Cas' dick in his mouth. He loved it. He loved Cas' moans and growls and purrs, loved the taste and weight of Cas' dick; he loved all of it.
Cas' hand fisted tighter at Dean's hair, and Dean hummed against Castiel's cock, like he knew Cas liked, making Cas tip his head back and let out a breathy cry of pleasure.
"Fuck, Dean—oh—"
Cas' moan was cut off when Dean felt his come spill down the back of his throat. He swallowed it, as best he could, before pulling Cas' cock out of his mouth and licking it clean, wiping the spit and come off of his chin. Cas moaned again at the sight, which made Dean grin widely
"Happy birthday, Cas." He grinned again. "How was that?"
"The best birthday present I think I've ever had." Cas laughed, his head tipping back slightly.
"Good." Dean grinned. "But don't speak so soon. I'd like to think my other presents are pretty awesome, too." Castiel laughed and brushed his nose against Dean's. "And you've got four more blowjobs that you can ask for, from me." Dean grinned cockily.
"I look forward to it." Castiel chuckled.
"Do you want to open your other presents, now?" Dean asked, smiling at Cas and leaning up to place a soft kiss on his lips.
"Okay." Castiel nodded, still smiling happily.
"I don't want to rush you, but bear in mind that we'll have to get ready for work, soon."
Castiel laughed and nodded, kissing Cas' lips softly again.
Dean picked up another of Cas' presents and handed it to him.
Cas opened the small box and smiled again. This present was a small watch, with a gold and silver face and a black leather strap.
"It's not much—" Dean started.
"It's wonderful, Dean, thank you."
"There's one more present coming after this, though—" Dean started again.
"But this present is perfect." Castiel smiled. "Actually—" He frowned, getting up. "That reminds me." He fumbled in one of the drawers in his desk before turning around again and beaming at Dean.
"My Christmas present to you—" Dean's voice caught in his throat. "You kept it—" Dean watched as Castiel fastened the chain around his wrist. "After everything—"
"Of course I kept it, Dean." Castiel beamed. "I couldn't let it go." He smiled. "Much like I couldn't let you go. I only wish I'd remembered it earlier. To be honest, I've kind of missed its presence."
Dean swallowed hard.
"You—" He started again, but words failed him.
"I kept it." Castiel mumbled, smiling, and pulling Dean towards him for a slow, sweet kiss. Dean couldn't believe it; still—it wasn't settling in his mind—maybe Cas hadn't ever actually given up on him, maybe Cas had been unable to let go, maybe—
"Are you okay, Dean?" Castiel asked, chuckling softly.
"Yeah." Dean nodded. "Yeah.—I just can't believe that you—" He broke off. He didn't know what else to say. "I love you." The words tumbled out of his mouth, as they always did; so mortifyingly gracelessly, but Castiel beamed at them.
"I love you, too."
"Do you want your third present?" Dean's lips twitched shyly upwards.
"Alright." Castiel nodded, laughing. Dean grabbed the large envelope and handed it to Cas—his hands were shaking a little as he did so, and he bit his lip, nervously, having to look down at the ground instead of at Castiel. He could see Castiel frown in slight confusion from the corner of his eye, but Dean only bit his lip harder, and Cas hesitated a moment before opening up the envelope. Dean heard Castiel breathe in suddenly above his head.
"Dean—"
"Just to clarify, Cas, you don't have to if you don't want to—I just saw it—well, I saw it and I thought about how it was everything we'd ever talked about—and I went and had a look around, and is seemed kind of… perfect—I don't know—but you don't have to – you don't have to do anything if you don't want to—"
"Dean," Castiel's voice raked against his throat. He looked up at Dean with the strangest look in his eyes that Dean thought he had ever seen. They were misty as they stared at Dean, and something inside of Dean's heart snapped at the sight.
"What with my new job, at the garage, coming up—I could afford it—I'd pay for all of it; the whole thing, Cassie—look, I worked it out—it's all on a sheet in the envelope. Dean pulled out the piece of paper he was speaking of and showed it to Castiel—due to his nerves, it rather ended up much like shoving it, gracelessly, into Castiel's face, his hands trembling—but to his credit, Cas didn't seem to mind.
"Dean—I can't—"
"You don't have to if you don't want to." Dean said quickly—although he felt his heart shatter, already. Cas was saying no. "I know it's kind of stupid—it was stupid of me; I'm sorry."
"It's not stupid." Castiel said quickly. Dean looked up. "And I want to—I'd love to—it's just—"
"Really?" Dean stammered, interrupting Castiel.
"Really." Castiel confirmed. "It's just—"
"What? What is it?" Dean asked, his heart pounding ferociously in his chest.
"I can't let you buy me a house, Dean." Castiel said. He looked earnestly, up into Dean's eyes; and Dean had no idea of how to respond. "I can't do that." He repeated.
"Why not?"
"It's not fair."
"No, it is—I want to—"
"You'd be buying a house, for me—"
"That's kind of the whole point, though."Dean interrupted. "And anyway, I'd be buying it for us. I'd be buying it for us, to live there, together."
Castiel looked down at the papers in his hands; the papers displaying the details of the house—the home—that he had found—the perfect home for himself and Castiel. It was literally perfect. It had the garden with small apple trees set around its edges, it had a patch where the two of them could grow some of their own food; it had a master bedroom and three spare bedrooms—for, hopefully, the day the two of them had kids together—it had a kitchen the perfect size for Dean to cook Cas all his favourite meals, it—
"Dean," Castiel tried again. He looked up at Dean with watery eyes. "I can't ask you to do this.
"You're not asking," Dean countered. "I'm doing it out of choice."
Castiel bit his lip.
"You'd be buying a house."
"I've realised, funnily enough."
"At least let me help to pay for it."
"This is a present, Cas. For you."
"Dean,"
"Don't try and argue with me, Cas—"
"How would you be paying for this?"
"I already had a little money stashed over—it was a combination between the tiny amount my dad left to me and Sammy; and some inheritance from my grandparents on my mom's side, as well as the money I had saved up from my first few jobs, from when I was a kid. And then there's the money that I'll be getting from my new job, after the promotion—and then there's the money that you left me with when you sold the apartment because I—" Dean broke off.
"Is that what this is about?" Castiel asked. "You making it up to me for when you left me? Because I've already told you, Dean; I've forgiven you—"
"It's not about that!" Dean exclaimed quickly. "I want to live—there—" He said, indicating to the picture of the house on one of the sheets of paper, "With you." He looked back into Castiel's eyes, earnestly. "Please let me do this for you, Cas." He said, his voice very quiet.
Castiel looked back down at the picture of the house, again.
"It is perfect." He admitted, thoughtfully, still staring at the photograph.
"Yeah." Dean agreed, his voice grazing his throat. "It's everything we ever dreamed our first house together would be."
"It is." Castiel nodded absently.
"It's got the garden."
"It has." Castiel agreed.
"For a dog, if we ever got one." Dean found himself smiling.
"Yes." Castiel nodded absently.
"It's got a room for you to do all your writing in—and for you to keep all your books in."
"It's got a garage, too." Castiel observed, quietly, studying the house plan. "For your car."
"Yeah." Dean nodded. His lips quirked upwards. "It's got a big kitchen, for me to cook you meals in."
Castiel looked up at Dean and huffed a soft breath of laughter.
"And it's got three spare bedrooms." Dean said, softly. "If we ever wanted—"
"Kids." Castiel finished Dean's sentence for him. "If we ever wanted to have children together."
"Yeah." Dean smiled. It was an odd combination between terrified and hopeful, shy and affectionate. "So, what do you say, Cas? Will you let me buy a house for us to live in?"
"It sounds like you're quoting that song by Elton John." Castiel laughed.
"No," Dean grinned. "If I was doing that, It'd be; 'I'd buy a big house, where we both could live'."
"That sounds about the same." Castiel's lips quirked upwards. "And I'm kind of surprised you know the words to that song, Dean."
"Heck, everyone does." Dean shrugged, laughing softly. There was a pause. "So—is that a yes?" He asked, his voice very shy and tentative again. "Please, Cas?"
Castiel stared into Dean's eyes for a few, restless moments.
"Of course it is, Dean." Castiel beamed. "Of course—"
Dean didn't give Cas any time for him to finish his sentence. He kissed Castiel, hard, on the lips; his heart leaping into his throat.
"Really?" He asked, raggedly, pulling away only slightly from Castiel's mouth to speak.
"Really." Cas nodded. "It's crazy—I mean—I can't believe you'd want to buy a house for me, but—"
"I do." Dean breathed, nodding quickly, shortly, and surging forward to kiss Cas once again. "I really do."
"Today," Cas gasped. "After work—come straight home—don't bother taking me to a fancy restaurant or anything—just come straight home and fuck me—" He groaned when Dean kissed him, roughly, again. "Fuck me straight into this mattress."
"I'm fine with that." Dean nodded, breathing coarsely against Castiel's mouth. "I'm so fine with that."
That night, that was just what the two of them did. Sex with Cas had been awesome, lately—really awesome. More so than usual. Which was saying something, actually.
But that night, Dean swore he had seen the stars outside of their window dancing on the back of his eyelids when he closed his eyes. He saw fireworks and galaxies and he and Cas rolled into each other and fucked into each other until they were both completely exhausted; Dean had cried out so loud his throat had felt rugged and raw—and seriously, the neighbours must have hated them after all of that. But it only made Dean smile—anyway, he and Cas would be out of that shitty apartment block, soon enough.
And one more thing—other than the fact that Cas wanted to live with Dean, in a house—a big, proper, gardened house—was the fact that Cas had pretty much confirmed that he wanted to had kids with Dean. He had basically admitted it. Or, he'd looked like it was something he wanted to do.
So maybe Dean proposing wouldn't be such a terrifying idea, after all.
But then, in just a few weeks, it would mark a year since his and Cas' big fight; since Dean had walked out on Cas on what had turned out to be the night that tore his entire world in half. And the guilt inside of Dean's heart was threatening to eat away at him, more than ever. And he just knew that Castiel was dreading what could only be described as—well, the anniversary of the night that Dean had seemingly irreparably fucked things over. Cas was dreading it just as Dean was. But neither of them were speaking of it—neither of them could speak of it. It still hurt too much.
"I can't believe you'd buy a house for me." Castiel laughed softly, brushing his nose gently against Dean's forehead as he spoke. He pulled Dean away from his thoughts, and Dean found himself smiling gently at Cas; almost involuntarily.
"I'd buy you a thousand houses, Cas." He chuckled. Castiel laughed again and Dean lifted up his head to kiss softly at the tip of Cas' nose.
"I'll have to make it up to you." Castiel mumbled, softly.
"Cas, you already have."
"I couldn't possibly have—"
"You've made me happier than I would've ever thought possible, Cas." Dean whispered softly against Castiel's mouth. "I love you so much. Please let me do this for you."
Castiel sighed again and kissed Dean, his eyes fluttering closed.
"I love you." He mumbled gently. Dean felt himself beam involuntarily against Cas' mouth. "I'm never leaving you." Castiel mumbled softly. Dean sighed happily. He felt his heart swell in elation at Cas' words.
"And I'm never leaving you." His voice choked.
"I'm staying with you forever." Cas beamed. Dean felt his fingers go numb.
"Forever?" He croaked.
"Yes." Castiel beamed. "Forever."
The next night, Dean took Castiel out for dinner. He couldn't stop grinning, all through the meal; just as he had been unable to do all throughout the day, because of what Castiel had told him.
Cas wanted to stay with him forever. He had fucking said it. The two of them had only been back together for a month and already Cas wanted that. Cas was impossible. He was awesome and beautiful and perfectly impossible. And Dean hadn't ever loved anyone like this; he'd never felt that way about anyone before.
By the looks of it, too, Castiel could scarcely believe that Dean actually wanted to buy him a house. But Dean had never been so certain of anything in his life—living with Castiel; properly, in a house with a garden and spare bedrooms for when the two of them finally decided to have kids together—it was all he wanted. Well, that and marrying Cas.
That night, Dean had bound his body so tightly to Castiel's under their sheets, he didn't know where his skin ended and Cas' began.
And he liked it that way.
Looking at the way Cas had smiled at him throughout the day had made Dean feel like less of a failure. He loved Castiel. He would give anything for Castiel. He had to propose, and soon. Dean didn't think he could cope with the two of them doing this odd, skirting around being really, truly engaged deal, for any longer.
He just hoped that he'd been reading Cas' signals right. He hoped Cas wanted to be married to him, too.
Around a week after Cas' birthday, Cas was due to get word back from the publishers on his book. He felt a horrible, itching anxiety smother him every time his mind wandered onto this topic—he almost regretted deciding to send it to them; almost wished he'd let it be, never ventured far enough to see if it was a publishable work.
It was a Tuesday when he got the letter from the publishing company.
Dean wasn't home, yet, and Cas looked down at the white envelope with his hands trembling around its creasing paper.
He had opened the letter on the couch and felt something inside of him crumble inside of him, in defeat.
The letter was filled with empty and breaking words—'Regretfully' and 'Unfortunately' littered the page, along with, 'Apologies' on countless occasions.
Castiel stared at the floor for several minutes. Really, it could have been minutes, or years. He wanted Dean to come back, he wanted Dean to arrive home and kiss away all his worries—but after all of Dean's support and encouragement, being let down by the publishing company would just make Castiel feel like a disappointment, especially to Dean.
He felt tears begin to sting at his eyes.
Maybe he wasn't meant to be a writer.
Castiel sighed.
He barely noticed the sound of Dean opening the door to their apartment, a few hours later.
"Hey, baby." Dean greeted. His voice was cheerful and bright and Castiel wanted to curl away from it. But, at the same time, he wanted Dean's warm arms wrapped around his body, wanted Dean's breath on his neck, needed Dean's touch and his love and his gentle reassurance. "Are you okay?" He asked, making his way over to where Castiel was, still seated, emptily, on the couch.
"They replied." Castiel said, quietly. His voice sounded hollow and his tone was brutally flat. "The publishers replied."
"And?" Dean asked—but Castiel knew, by the tone of Dean's voice, that he could already tell what had happened, what they had said. Castiel stood up. He tried to flick his eyes up to Dean's face, but it didn't work—his gaze settled on Dean's shoulders for a brief, pained moment, before it was forced back down, powerless to meet Dean's own.
"They said no." Cas shook his head, bitterly. He looked down at the ground, unable to make eye contact with Dean at this point. He felt shattered; something inside of him had splintered open and now it pulsed painfully with each breath that Castiel took. "They don't want to publish it."
"Oh, Cassie—" Dean sighed – he sounded almost as broken as Castiel felt, but Cas didn't find this much of a comfort – something inside of him recoiled at the tone in Dean's voice. "I'm so sorry, Baby." He tried to comfort. Cas was about to shake his head, to brush Dean's attempt at reassurance aside; but before he could, Dean pulled him towards his body for a tight, close hug. Castiel didn't try to pull away. He found that he couldn't.
He sighed into Dean's embrace, breathing in the warm scent of Dean's neck as he did so.
"Don't let this stop you…" Dean mumbled against Cas' head, but Castiel felt himself sigh exasperatedly, angrily, at the words.
"How am I supposed to do that, Dean?" He frowned, his jaw clenching. "How do I not let this stop me?!"
Dean pulled back from Castiel—Cas felt something tear inside of him at the motion; ripping open—he was about to apologise for snapping at Dean so suddenly, so cruelly – he thought for a moment that Dean was about to recoil, to pull away completely, to be offended by Castiel's harsh outburst—
But Dean rested his forehead gently on Cas', staring intently into Castiel's eyes. Cas felt himself glance down in shame of his own actions, for his sharp words and tone with Dean, but Dean's gentle fingers grazed themselves against his chin, tilting his head up, so he was looking at Dean's face once more. Cas squirmed at the touch; he wanted to shudder away, but then something inside of him desperately wanted to feast on Dean's calm, settling gaze.
Castiel let out a quaking breath.
"It's going to be okay, Cassie." Dean comforted softly, pressing his forehead firmer against Castiel's.
"How?" Cas asked, his voice a quiet tremble. "How could it be okay? This is all I've ever wanted to do, Dean—writing has been everything, and now—"
"And you're taking one publishing company saying no as a sign that you should give up completely?" Dean cut Cas across, frowning and gazing steadily into Cas' eyes with his own warm, forest green ones. Castiel found himself attempting to count each one of Dean's soft, brown eyelashes; trying to memorise the way that they framed his eyes, to distract himself, as Dean continued to stare firmly at Castiel.
"How else am I supposed to take it?" He asked, almost without thinking.
His voice had become embarrassingly quiet. He looked down again, feeling his body deflate slightly—Dean, however, didn't seem able to allow this. He pulled Castiel's gaze back to his face, brushing his thumbs across Cas' cheeks for a gentle, brief moment.
"This isn't a sign that you're a failure, Cas, before you try to pull any of that crap on me. It's not a sign that you're a shitty writer. All it means is that that particular company didn't want to publish your book. That could be for any number of reasons."
Cas sighed shakily and looked down once more—he heard Dean sigh in frustration at the action.
"Look at me, Castiel." Dean said softly.
Cas couldn't.
Dean sighed again. Cas thought that Dean was about to pull back, to give up, when careful, tender lips brushed themselves across his own.
"C'mon, Cas." Dean mumbled softly. "Please don't shut me out. Not again."
Something painful panged inside of Castiel at Dean's plea.
"I'm not trying—"
"I know you're not trying to, Cassie, but you still are, anyway." Dean replied, his voice catching in his throat as he placed his forehead gently onto Castiel's again. Cas felt himself stare, terrified, up into Dean's eyes.
"What if I'm not meant to be a writer?"
"Don't say that, Baby." Dean mumbled. He kissed Cas softly on the lips, once more. "Don't you ever say that." He repeated gently. "Don't you ever give up on this."
"How am I supposed to do that?" Cas asked, mumbling his words against Dean's mouth; but already he could feel himself relaxing into Dean's touch, letting Dean's words roll over him in waves and calm him all but completely. The tension and anxiety and sadness building up in his gut began to uncoil itself slowly, and he felt his eyes flutter closed as Dean's lips brushed against his own once more.
"You remember what I said to you at Michael and Rachel's?" Dean mumbled gently against Cas' mouth.
"You said a lot of things that night, Dean." Castiel shook his head slightly. "I can't be expected to remember all of them."
"Yeah. That's true." Dean admitted, huffing a breath of laughter against Castiel. "Alright, remember when I told you about the Harry Potter books? And how long J.K Rowling had to try before they got published?"
"—Dean, I don't think you can—"
"Nope, I can compare this situation to that one, Cas, and I will." Dean interrupted, firmly. "You got rejected by one company. But that really doesn't mean you should stop trying. Please don't stop trying. I know how much this means to you—I know that becoming an author is your dream—and I'm not going to stand by and watch you throw it away like this." Dean brushed his fingers softly through Castiel's hair. "You know what we're gonna do, Cassie?" He asked gently, nosing at Castiel's skin. Cas looked up apprehensively into Dean's eyes, and Dean kissed the tip of Cas' nose tenderly for a moment. Cas smiled at the motion, despite himself, and Dean broke out into a beam in response. "We're gonna go to other companies. Show them what you've written, show them how amazingly talented you are. I don't care if it takes a while, I'm definitely not giving up. And I don't want you to, either. And then one day, the two of us will be walking down the street together, and we'll look into a book shop window and see your book right at the front of the display. And I'll lean in close to you and say I told you, Castiel, and you'll laugh and duck your head like you always do when you get all cute and embarrassed;" Dean laughed, grazing his nose against Castiel's, and Cas' eyes crinkled at their corners as he listened to Dean continue, "And I'll kiss you right there, so that everyone can see that I'm yours, and that you, Castiel Novak, the famous published author—that you're mine." Cas' smile tilted further upwards still, and something swelled joyfully inside of him when Dean kissed him firmly again. He was so glad that he had Dean, again. He was so glad that Dean was in his life once more, to comfort him and love him, like this, so unconditionally and constantly.
"Are you hungry, Cas?" Dean asked gently, pulling back from the kiss. "Would you like me to cook us some dinner?"
Cas shook his head.
"No, thank you." He replied, smiling sadly again at Dean. "I think I just want to head off to bed."
"Alright." Dean nodded softly, understandingly, gazing at Cas with an intoxicating kind of gentle intensity. "You go ahead and get under the sheets. I'll be there in a minute. I've just got to finish off some paperwork for the new garage."
Cas nodded and smiled as Dean pulled him in for a tight hug again, kissing down his neck lightly.
"Are you sure?" Cas asked, winding his fingers around Dean's shirt anxiously.
"Of course I am, Cassie." Dean smiled gently, nosing at Castiel's cheek. "I'm not that hungry, either. You go get changed, I'll be there as soon as I can be." Dean's lips quirked a little further upwards, and he kissed Cas affectionately on the forehead for a calm moment.
"Okay." Cas nodded. He pulled back from Dean's arms—it felt rather like tearing himself away, if he was being honest—and he brushed his fingers gently against Dean's wrist softly before walking into his and Dean's bedroom.
He stripped down completely, except for his underwear, and flopped down onto the bed. He didn't bother pulling the covers over his body; it had been unnaturally hot of late, and today was no exception. He pressed his face into the pillow, listening to the sound of Dean filtering through papers and filling out forms in the other room.
Somehow, the noise was of a great comfort to him.
He felt so tired—so tired in the knowledge that he had been rejected; the knowledge that his dream—which had felt gorgeously close to becoming a reality only a few days previously—now felt sickeningly, drainingly, far away from him; perhaps all but completely out of reach.
He heard Dean sigh softly in the other room.
Dean would be managing his own garage, soon, Castiel felt himself smile softly. That was a happy thought. He could tell how excited about the possibility made Dean feel, he could tell how happy Dean was with the opportunity. The thought of how glad Dean was of it made Castiel relax a great deal, his body calming itself slowly into the covers beneath him.
Cas had barely even noticed himself drifting off to sleep.
He woke up when he felt gentle lips grazing themselves softly down his bare back. He moaned into his pillow at the touch, and felt tender hands move themselves to massage the skin stretching over his shoulders gently.
"Sorry to wake you, Cassie, I didn't mean to." Dean mumbled gently.
"Liar." Cas felt himself chuckle into the sheets, and felt Dean grin against his back, huffing a breath of hot laughter onto his cool skin.
"Yeah, fair enough." Dean nodded in admittance. "Sorry that you drifted off, though. The paperwork took longer than I expected."
"That's okay." Cas mumbled understandingly. "You're here now."
"I'm here now." Dean repeated, laughing in agreement. He nosed down the rope of Cas' spine and kissed gently at the dip in Castiel's back just before the curve of his ass.
Castiel sighed contentedly into the sheets as Dean's hands gently pinched out each strain and stress in the muscles along his spine, pushing softly at his skin, and rubbing thick, broad circles across Castiel's shoulders.
"You starting to feel better, Baby?" Dean asked softly, kissing at a place inbetween Castiel's shoulder blades.
"Yeah." Cas sighed contentedly into his pillow.
"Good." Dean hummed. "Was I right about how we should try getting it published again?" He asked, his hands pushing themselves firmly up Castiel's hips.
"Yeah." Cas admitted, nodding slightly.
He felt Dean purr smugly against his flesh, and his eyes flickered closed again as Dean continued to kiss and massage Castiel's skin firmly, yet gently, rubbing away all of Cas' concerns and heartbreaks of the day.
He massaged at Cas' body slowly, pinching out each stress that Cas had twisted up tightly into his flesh. Dean's touch on his skin unravelled each one of Castiel's anxieties. Dean's hands travelled gently up and down Castiel's back, his lips pressing soft kisses onto Cas' skin every now and then. Castiel felt happy purrs rumbling deep in his chest, and didn't stop them from escaping his lips—his moans only made Dean happier, made Dean beam and press still more kisses onto Castiel's shoulder blades before rubbing more thick, firm circles onto Cas' flesh.
Cas felt his arousal building up slowly, lazily, inside of him. It steadily pooled at the base of his torso, twisting softly at his gut and prickling his flesh.
When Dean gently turned Castiel over, he glanced down at the growing bulge in Cas' boxers and grinned smugly.
Castiel glanced away from Dean, blushing furiously and ducking his head slightly, but Dean laughed affectionately and pressed his lips against Cas' for a long, hot tongued kiss.
"You like it when I massage you, baby?" Dean asked, grinning against Castiel's mouth.
Cas could only moan again in confirmation and press his face firmly against Dean's neck. Dean grinned against him once more, the laughter rumbling thickly in his throat, before he spoke again; his voice gravelly and rough, causing pinpricks to rise over Cas' forearms—
"Roll onto your front, Castiel." Dean growled into Cas' ear. Cas let out a low, whimpered moan at this.
"What?" He stammered out.
"Roll onto your front." Dean instructed. Castiel obeyed, turning over in the bed, under Dean's arms.
As soon as he did so, Dean sighed an appreciative moan from behind him, and began kissing his back, slowly.
"Gonna make you feel so good, Cassie." Dean grumbled on top of Cas. Cas bit his lip and closed his eyes—hot magma was pooling uncontrollably inside him; and Dean's voice and touches were doing nothing to help stop this.
Dean's hands ran over Cas' back again; rubbing and pinching and stroking at his skin and flesh, before running back to the small of Cas' back, to the curve of his ass, and slowly pulling down Cas' underwear.
Cas rubbed his arousal against the bed for a moment, moaning at the friction, but Dean growled and pulled his hips up; away from the bed, and Cas whined, desperate for contact.
"No." Dean growled simply, bending over to whisper the word in Cas' ear. "Don't do that, Cas." He mumbled darkly again; and Cas' breath shuddered at the sound of Dean's voice, the gorgeously dark, possessive tones it was taking.
Cas heard Dean pull the lube out of the drawer beside their bed. He heard Dean open it up and cover his fingers in it, and he bit his lip in eager, nervous anticipation for what was coming next.
Dean slipped his first finger in. Castiel let out a trembling sigh, and he heard Dean laugh smugly behind him as his hips bucked forwards.
Dean prepped him quickly and efficiently; apparently not wanting to fuck around with tender foreplay, or slowly build up Castiel's arousal to breaking point, today.
Castiel was okay with that.
He closed his eyes and let out a long, low moan that made Dean hum in approval over him. Dean's other hand stroked up the rope of Castiel's spine, and Cas purred and arched his back out at the touch—Dean's hands on his body felt so good, even if they were running themselves up and down the most innocent of places.
Dean was fucking Cas with four of his fingers, now; and he opened them out slightly inside Cas' body, making Cas wince at the satisfying burn of Dean stretching him open.
"I bet Balthazar never gave it to you this good; did he, Cas?" Dean growled above Castiel's body. Cas' chest trembled as he let out a moan in response. "I bet Balthazar never made you feel this good." Dean emphasized this last syllable with a firm stretch of his fingers, taking Cas' cock firmly in his grip and giving it a single, tight fisted tug.
"He didn't." Cas shook his head quickly, his eyes slamming shut and a cry of pleasure escaping his lips.
"How good do I make you feel, Cassie?" Dean asked, his voice filthily conspiratorial, sending pinpricks of arousal darting across Cas' flesh.
"So good." Cas moaned, biting his lip. "You give it to me so good, Dean."
Dean let out a pleased growl of approval, pulling out his fingers from Castiel and sinking himself into Cas instead. Cas let out a long, low moan at this; his breath already shallow, his chest rising and falling quickly. Dean's hands moved up to Castiel's back to massage slowly at his shoulders for a few moments, and Castiel's eyes closed at the touch, before Dean pulled out and slammed back into Castiel again.
Castiel cried out at this, his voice strained, and Dean tugged at his hips once more, pressing Cas tighter against him; pressing himself further into Castiel body, until he bottomed out inside of Cas. Cas swallowed hard and fisted at the sheets beneath him, purring at Dean's hands, which kneaded slowly at his ass for a moment, before one of them reached round in front of Castiel's body and found him once more, stroking softly at his length before taking Castiel in Dean's tight fist again and pumping at the same, unforgiving pace of Dean's hips.
Dean's other hand rested firmly on the small of Castiel's back, the heel of Dean's palm rubbing small, strong circles into Castiel's muscles once more—Cas' body was shaken with pleasure, his head pounded. He bit down, hard, on his bottom lip, his muscles tensing and relaxing almost simultaneously.
Dean snapped his hips into Castiel once more, and Cas let out a shuddered moan—his vision was growing blurred, his muscles tired, and Dean's relentless pumping and stroking of Cas' throbbing cock was almost more than he can handle.
Dean bucked himself into Cas especially hard; and Cas came—the surprise of his orgasm shattered through him, almost as violently as the climax itself, and Dean tugged up and down at his cock, spilling come, carrying him through his high.
Cas closed his eyes and moaned as his hips bucked forward, the last of his high washing over him slowly. He panted as Dean continued thrusting into him, and Dean's hands stroked up his spine, making Cas arc out once more, as Dean continued the pace.
They suddenly gripped tightly onto Cas' hips, squeezing them firmly, bruisingly, and pulling them down, tighter onto Dean as his body bucked forwards into Cas. Cas heard Dean come, felt it inside of him, and closed his eyes and smiled slightly, very out of breath, as Dean rode out his high.
His muscles were shaking with exhaustion when Dean pulled out of him. Cas collapsed down onto the bed, his breath deep and fast and thoroughly uneven, moans still escaping his lips in the afterglow of fucking Dean.
He heard Dean huff out a breathless, panting laugh above him, before settling over Cas' back, kissing at Cas' shoulders.
"Was that good, Baby?" Dean asked, smiling against Cas' skin.
"So good." Cas moaned into his pillow. "So good." He repeated.
Dean beamed against Cas' back, rubbing against the skin in rounded motions with the pads of his thumbs once more. Castiel hummed happily and closed his eyes at the touch of Dean's gentle hands on his body.
"We're gonna get you published, Castiel." Dean whispered against Cas' flesh, softly. "Don't you worry. You're gonna get published, and you're gonna get to that dream of becoming a writer. I promise you."
Castiel felt himself smile against his pillow once more.
"Really?" He asked, his voice rough from sex.
"Yeah." Dean confirmed. "I promise."
Dean's hands continued rubbing gently at Castiel's body, stroking at his flesh, massaging his muscles until the entirety of Cas' frame was completely relaxed.
"I love you, Dean." Castiel sighed, his eyes drifting closed once again.
"I love you too, Cas." Dean's voice smiled. His hands continued working at Cas' flesh, and Cas fell asleep to soft, tender Dean's touches on his body.
Castiel loved Dean.
He desperately wanted the two of them to be married.
Dean woke up tired. He regretted it almost instantly; he wished he could roll over and fall back to sleep, he wished he didn't have to live through today. Of all days.
Today would mark exactly one year since he had abandoned Cas, since he had fucked everything over, so terribly; just as he always did—today would be one year since he had broken Cas' heart. And right now, Dean didn't care that he had Castiel back in his life; because he had still hurt the person who meant everything to him, so badly. He'd still broken Cas' heart—and worst of all, Dean could tell that Castiel still hurt from it. Dean had fucked up so badly. And today would mark one year since he had done that.
He found that his hands were trembling as he lay in bed, putting off waking up for as long as possible.
Cas groaned and stretched out under their sheets, beside Dean, and Dean found himself praying that Cas wouldn't wake up. Because Cas waking up would mean Cas remembering what day it was; and Dean's head was starting to pound with guilt, and his vision was growing hazy, and he really wanted a bottle of Jack Daniel's in his hand right now.
Last night had been awkward. Both of them had known it; both of them had known what was coming—and at the time, Dean had thought it was impossible to feel any more nauseated; but he'd definitely been wrong. He felt like he was about to collapse. Just like he'd collapsed outside of his and Cas' apartment block, in the pouring rain, when he'd tried to find Cas again, when he'd tried to apologise to him.
Cas stirred again.
Dean bit his lip nervously and slid back down into their bed, under the sheets. He swallowed thickly.
It was one year since he and Cas had last been engaged. It felt like longer than that, if Dean was being honest. It felt like much longer.
Dean felt another wave of dizziness at his last few thoughts.
It was one year since he and Cas had last been engaged.
Dean had to ask Cas to marry him again. Now. He had to do it, today—Dean's head spun over the possibility—and yes; it felt like the only way that Dean could actually, properly, make things right again. On the anniversary of the date that he had ruined things with Cas.
Dean sat up again as Cas stirred once more.
"Good morning—" He stammered. Cas blinked sleepily, stretching, and looked up at him in response. "It's a Saturday," He started, swallowing thickly yet again.
"It is." Castiel agreed. He sat up in bed, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his palm. Dean wondered how long it would take him to realise what day it was. He wondered if Castiel already had realised, if he was simply covering this up to spare Dean's feelings. Dean didn't know if he appreciated it or not.
"I thought it might be nice if we went to the park, today." Dean tried again, looking nervously up at Cas. "You know, the one you took me to on our fourth date?"
"Yes, I know the one." Castiel nodded. His face was still agonisingly inscrutable. "Why?" He asked, looking over to Dean.
"I don't know." Dean mumbled. "I just thought it might be nice."
Cas knew why. Of course he knew why. Both of them did.
"Okay." Castiel nodded again. There was a pause. "What time is it?" He asked, stretching out again and closing his eyes as he yawned, once more, before leaning over to the alarm clock that sat on his bedside table.
"It's just past eleven." Dean said, still feeling sickeningly cautious.
"Wow." Castiel mumbled. "We slept in."
"Yeah." Dean nodded absently.
"We must have been pretty tired."
Please. Dean thought absently. Neither of them wanted to wake up—not when they knew what today held, what today meant, what it marked. Dean looked down at the floor again.
"Should I make you some breakfast?" Dean asked, almost out of reflex.
"You don't have to—" Castiel started, but Dean reached across, taking Cas' hand in his own, and squeezed it gently.
"But I want to." He shrugged. Castiel glanced down and mumbled a quiet thanks.
God, Dean was a fuck up.
He trudged into the kitchen with tears clouding his vision. He'd thought he'd be able to fix this, to fix all of this, once. He'd been wrong.
Dean scoffed as he thought of the time when, over a year ago, Dean had believed that Cas would be the one thing in his life he didn't fuck up. Where his and Cas' relationship would be the only thing Dean managed to do right in what was otherwise a terribly shitty existence.
Dean sighed and sat down at the kitchen table, fisting at his own hair, angrily.
"Dean?" Came a cautious voice from the bedroom door. Dean's head felt heavy. He didn't want to have to look up at Cas.
"You should go back to sleep, Cas—I thought I told you I was making you breakfast—" Dean tried, but Cas approached him in the time it took for him to squeeze out the sentence, and Dean felt gentle hands stroke softly down his shoulders. Dean's body crumpled at the touch—he wanted to melt into it, to coil tightly into Cas' arms; but he couldn't, because he didn't deserve it, because he didn't deserve Cas; because tears were threatening once again to spill onto his cheeks and Dean didn't think he'd be able to contain them if he allowed Cas to comfort him.
"I'm sorry—" He choked out a broken sob, his head falling onto the table as tears fell from his eyes and cries wracked his body. "I'm sorry—" He tried again. He chanted the words, over and over, like a mantra; and he barely noticed Cas' warm arms enveloping him, smothering him, barely heard Cas' gentle voice in his ear replying to each one of his broken, worthless, useless apologies.
"I know. I know."
They stayed like that, for Dean had no idea how long—long enough that he stopped crying, long enough that he started crying again; long enough that his cheeks were continuously drying and dampening from his tears. His face felt red and swollen, and when Cas' hands moved to cup Dean's cheeks, to tilt Dean's head up so that he was looking at him, Dean wanted, desperately, to recoil away, once more.
Dean tried to say sorry again, but the words had become such a slurred litany in his mouth that they didn't form right; and he just let out a broken sob of a moan, and Cas must have thought he looked seriously pathetic, and Dean wanted to cry again; but then Cas' lips were crashed against his own, and Dean choked into the kiss and his hands moved to cling on to Cas' body, tighter than he would've ever thought possible.
"I'm so sorry." He tried again. Castiel pressed his forehead against Dean's, thumbed away the tears still streaming onto Dean's cheeks.
"I know." He said again. Dean's body was still crumpling. It wouldn't stop crumbling beneath him, and he wanted to start crying again when Cas got up and stopped holding him; he didn't even notice the hot drink in front of him until Cas wrapped his hands around it.
"I'm a fuck up." Dean choked again.
"No." Castiel said. He didn't say anything else. He just walked over to Dean again and wrapped his arms tightly around Dean's body. Dean felt hot humiliation burn over his face; he wanted to be swallowed up, to cease existing—he kept on falling apart in front of Cas; and every time, it would be Cas who had to rock him gently and tell him cracked, empty lies of how Dean wasn't a failure. And Dean almost believed them.
"I am." He moaned out another sob, and Cas held him tighter.
"No." Castiel repeated again. "I love you." He said, softly.
"You shouldn't." Dean's body trembled. "You shouldn't."
But Castiel didn't stop holding him. He didn't stop rocking him, softly, didn't stop mumbling gentle,
"I do. I do." 's over and over again; not until Dean's sobbing had subsided completely. And then Castiel went over to the couch and grabbed a blanket and wrapped it softly around Dean's body, and Dean didn't even realise that he'd dropped off until Cas' hands carded gently through his hair, rousing him gently. Dean sat up and felt shame burn his skin, but Cas didn't seem like he was going to allow this , because he kissed Dean's forehead, then his nose, then his lips, and set down some food in front of Dean.
"It's kind of a late lunch." Castiel said softly. "But I figured you'd need it."
"What time is it?" Dean slurred, and Cas pushed his hand through the strands of Dean's hair once more.
"It's nearly four."
Shit.
"Oh, God, I'm sorry, Cas—"
"No." Castiel said again, softly but firmly, and damn it, Dean thought, he wished Cas would let him apologise, wished Cas would beat Dean down as much as he deserved, wished Cas would say yes—
"Cas—"
"No." Castiel said again. "Eat." He nudged the plate closer to Dean and squeezed his shoulder, leaning down to give him a soft kiss again. Dean didn't kiss back; he didn't deserve to.
"Cas, I'm sorry, I don't deserve—"
"You deserve every happiness, Dean." Castiel replied. Dean was kind of taken aback by the absolute certainty that Cas said this with, and he swallowed, hard. "You deserve every happiness." Castiel repeated. "And it would make me impossibly happy to be the one to give you each one of those."
Dean looked down. He felt fingers graze under his chin and he looked shyly back up at Cas.
"I love you." Cas said, softly.
"I love you, too." Dean replied.
"Do you still want to go to the park?" Cas asked, gently.
"—Yeah—" Dean nodded. He had to. He had to make today right; he had to do right by Cas, he had to ask Cas to marry him, again. Truth be told, he should have done it as soon as he had won Cas back; he should have got down on one knee at Michael's wedding reception and asked then—but he had been too scared, too much of a fucking coward.
"Okay." Cas nodded. He smiled warmly at Dean and Dean felt his breath catch in his throat.
"I'm sorry." He said again.
"I know." Castiel nodded. "And I forgive you."
They sat on top of the hill for hours, Dean wrapping himself in Castiel's arms; desperate for their reassurance and warmth. Cas held him tight, and Dean felt a whirlwind of mixed emotions about this—he shouldn't be letting Cas comfort him—he was the one who had left Cas, not the other way around—Dean should be apologising. But then, Cas' arms held so much comfort, and something warm and numbing pulsed confidently through Dean's blood whenever Cas brushed his fingers up and down Dean's spine, or squeezed him tightly, or pressed a gentle kiss onto Dean's lips.
They had walked all the way there. Dean had wanted to clear his head, a little, and although he hadn't actually said this; he knew that Cas understood. Cas always understood.
Dean wasn't going to let go. Not again.
Never again would he fuck up so badly—and today, today, he would have to ask Cas to marry him. But every time he felt as though he could, as though he were about to, his nerves got the better of him. His head started spinning again. His eyes clouded over and he looked away, scared that he would pass out.
It was one year since he and Cas had last been engaged.
One year.
Dean recalled how pathetic his first proposal had been. How scared he'd been. How spontaneous and reckless it had been of him to ask in that moment. But he had anyway—and Cas had said yes. Maybe Cas would say yes, now. But then, maybe Dean had hurt him too much. Maybe everything was too shit for Cas to be able to go down that road again.
Dean felt Cas brush his lips softly against Dean's, and he sighed against Cas' mouth as Cas pushed him back onto the ground and kissed him firmer, harder—until Dean could barely think about all his worries and self-loathing—and maybe, that had been Castiel's desire all along. It had worked, anyway.
Dean whined against Cas' mouth, and Castiel beamed, pulling back, and brushing the hair softly out of Dean's face. Dean found himself grinning up at Cas, against all odds—he had no idea how Cas managed to pull smiles from his lips when Dean felt this trampled and broken; but he did. And Dean loved Castiel for it. Well, for that, and a lot of other things.
The first drop of rain hit Dean on his cheek. Castiel smiled as soon as he saw it, and brushed the drop off with the pad of his thumb.
"It's raining." Dean mumbled softly.
"It is." Castiel agreed, chuckling and kissing Dean for another moment.
"Should we get out of it?"
Castiel made a noise like he was contemplating Dean's question.
"I suppose." He shrugged after a moment. He bent down and kissed Dean again.
"You've been kissing me a lot."
"I can't seem to stop." Castiel smiled.
"Why is that?" Dean asked, feeling himself grin.
"Because you came back." Castiel sighed happily. "You came back to me."
Dean blushed and looked down.
"You came back to me." Castiel said again, tilting Dean's chin up and kissing gently along his jawline. "You came back to me, and you never gave up, and you never stopped loving me—and you've made me so happy, Dean." He beamed. "I think I was in a really bad place when we first met, but I think you saved me. You made me better. Thank you."
Dean reddened furiously and ducked his head again.
"And you're really cute when you're embarrassed." Castiel chuckled.
"Shut up." Dean's face heated still more; but he felt himself beginning to laugh. Castiel grinned and kissed Dean, passionately, again, sucking the air right out of Dean's lungs, before tugging Dean up by his hand as thunder rumbled over their heads and the storm broke out above them.
"Come on," Castiel smiled. "Let's get out of here."
Maybe Dean wouldn't be able to propose today.
He sighed and gave up on the idea. He would've been too scared to do it, anyway. He was always too scared to do it.
Dean let Cas pull him up and he felt himself grin as the two of them ran down the hill together, laughter rumbling in Cas' chest. The water splashed heavily down on them as they exited the park, and Dean stopped to pull Cas towards him for another kiss.
"I can't thank you enough." He mumbled softly. "For everything. I can't thank you enough for taking me back, for still loving me, for forgiving me, after everything, for—"
Castiel cut Dean off with another kiss.
"I love you." Cas beamed. Dean ran his fingers through Cas' dark hair, now damp with rain.
"I love you, too." Dean replied. Cas didn't know how much. Cas would probably never know how much. But it was true. Dean loved him, Dean was obsessed with him, Dean would do anything for him.
And Dean wanted to marry him.
He just didn't have the guts to ask.
Castiel grinned again and tugged Dean by the hand, pulling him down the pavement, and Dean felt himself laugh giddily behind Castiel; unsure of why it was Cas loved him so much, of why it was Cas had taken him back, of how Cas could have forgiven him, after everything.
The storm picked up its pace, water hammering onto their faces with an ever increasing ferocity.
Rain was tipping down onto the street as the pair ran down it together, their soggy shoes slapping noisily onto the pavement, although the sound of this was incomparable to the din of the wind and the rain howling in their ears.
Dean didn't know what it was he was doing; what he was thinking—he could only think of Cas, of Cas' smiling, elated face as the two of them laughed together, running through the driving torrent.
"It's freezing!" Cas shouted over the howl of the glacial, bitter downpour. Dean could only laugh in agreement, over the deafening sound of the rain, as he gazed at Castiel.
Cas was so beautiful.
Dean was so enchanted by Castiel.
Dean couldn't see anyone else. Nobody else compared. Nobody else ever could.
He wouldn't want them to, anyway. Cas was all that Dean needed.
Dean didn't know what it was that he was thinking—he didn't know what was running through his head—the only thing he could think of was Cas, how in love with him Dean was, how much he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Castiel.
The rest of his life.
He wasn't thinking when he tugged Cas' hand, when he pulled him to a halt.
He wasn't thinking when he knelt down onto the rain soaked pavement. His knee grazed the sodden gravel, and he could feel his hands trembling, but whether it was the cold or his own nerves that caused this; he had no idea.
He wasn't thinking.
Or, if he was, it was only of Cas.
Cas turned around and something—something—changed in his expression.
Dean's throat had dried up completely.
He pulled out the ring, now. The ring that he had kept a secret, had kept crammed into his pocket every day, ever since he and Cas had been broken up; the ring that he had wanted Castiel to see, to know about, for well over a year, now.
The ring that was essentially the closest thing that Dean had that could truly describe his feelings for Cas.
The rain was splattering itself thickly onto his face, and Dean's eyes were already clouding over, making his already impaired vision even more blurry.
He wished he were able to see Cas' face in that moment.
To know if Cas actually would want to say yes.
His heart hammered violently, painfully, against his ribcage, almost as fiercely as the thundering downpour.
He felt terrified.
"—Cas—" He started, licking his lips—his voice had caught in his throat, came out choked and forced. What the fuck was he doing? What the fuck was he thinking?
He swallowed hard, his breathing felt odd and thick, but then all too thin—and he could make out Cas' face, although only just, and it sent uncomfortable and nauseating spikes of anxiety through him—he couldn't make out what Cas was thinking, at all. Cas' expression was inscrutable.
"—Cas," Dean started again, taking a shuddering breath. He was terrified—he was terrified of Cas rejecting him, of telling him that Dean had hurt him too much, that although, maybe once, Cas had been able to commit to Dean in that way, but not anymore, not after Dean had broken his heart, so badly. "—I've never been able to say exactly what you mean to me – exactly how much I love you – exactly how sorry I am for fucking up—but I want to be able to. I wish I was able to." Dean's hair, his shirt, all of his clothing, was completely soaked through, now. He shivered in the cold. His hands quaked with nerves.
But he didn't care.
"—And if you let me, Cas, I'll try to show you – every day, for the rest of our lives. You're family, Cas—you're more than that—you're everything—and–" Dean broke off, almost unable to continue. "I need you. I love you, Cas. That's all there is. That's all there's ever been—So, Cas, will you—would you marry me?"
His heart was racing. He felt giddy and nauseated and felt as though he was going to be sick; anxiety spiked its way through him horribly.
Cas was going to say no.
Dean was sure of it, now.
Dean had hurt him, too much, had caused Castiel too much heartache. Cas would never be able to feel that way about Dean, once more. He'd never want to commit himself so entirely to Dean, not after everything Dean had done to him.
He looked up into Cas' eyes.
Dean felt the tears that had been clouding over his eyes brimming over, about to fall onto his cheeks, and he knew that he was going to begin crying soon, once more. He had lost count of the amount of times that he had cried in front of Cas in the past month or so.
It had been a pathetically large number.
He supposed one more breakdown wouldn't hurt, particularly as he was about to get rejected by the love of his life, the only person who mattered that much, so much, in the entirety of his world.
Cas' eyes had clouded over—or was that just the rain playing tricks on Dean's eyesight? Nonetheless, Cas was certainly holding a slightly distant look as he stared at Dean. But was that a good or a bad sign?
It felt like a nervous lifetime had passed.
"—Really?" Cas asked, after what felt like an age. He stammered his words out, his voice was almost as hoarse as Dean's—and yes, those had to be tears forming in Cas' eyes.
A spark of hope lit itself inside of Dean's chest.
"—Yeah, Cas." Dean nodded. "I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you." Dean exhaled, his breath clouding against the cold, rainy air. "Is that what you want?" He asked, feeling himself shaking slightly.
"It is." Cas nodded.
A look spread across Cas' face as he said that. Dean didn't know what the expression meant, but something inside of Dean swelled and burst; the spark of hope in his chest now catching ablaze quickly, warming him, burning his skin, despite the freezing torrent.
"Cas, will you marry me?" Dean asked again, the freezing air he was breathing in feeling all too thin in his throat and lungs.
"Yes." Cas nodded. "—Yes." He repeated, nodding his head fervently and swallowing hard. Dean felt a beam spread across his face. "I want to marry you more than anything, Dean."
Something inside of Dean froze at that. It knocked the air out of his lungs.
"Really?" He asked, his hands still shaking slightly.
It couldn't be real; Cas couldn't really—
"Really." Cas nodded, beaming.
Dean stood up at that. He stood up, without thinking, and felt terrified that he was about to fall back onto the pavement, because his head was fucking spinning. His head was spinning because Cas had actually said yes. Cas wanted to marry Dean, too.
And now—now Dean would finally be able to keep all those promises he made to Cas all that time ago. The ones about spending the rest of his life with Cas, the ones about never leaving him.
His breath caught in his throat as he slipped the ring onto Cas' finger. It fit perfectly, Dean noted with a sigh of relief—but he was far more concerned about what Cas would think of it, what Cas would look like as he stared at the band for the first time.
His heart twisted as he stared at Cas. Cas was beaming down at the ring—then up at Dean—his eyes continuously flitting between the two of them.
"Dean—" He started, his smile spreading even further.
"Yeah." Dean nodded in confirmation, stepping even closer to Cas, taking Cas' hands in his own . "—But look, there's even more," He said, pulling the ring off of Cas' finger for a moment, and turning it to show Cas the inside of the band.
Cas' eyes crinkled at their corners as he shifted his gaze from the ring back up to Dean. He beamed even wider—it was enough to set Dean's heart on fire; it set a boiling magma through his system, pooling deep inside him. He slipped the ring back on Cas' finger, feeling himself grin as widely as he would've thought humanly possible. The two of them were soaked to the bone, the lights of the city setting their surroundings ablaze in a deep yellow glow against the grey of the freezing downpour.
Dean felt warm because of Castiel, though. He felt warm because Cas had said yes, and because their hands were now intertwined, and because they were mere inches away, and because a few months ago Dean would never have dreamed any of this to be possible, because a few months ago Dean thought he would never be able to feel so happy ever again, because a few months ago, Dean had thought that he'd never see Cas again, let alone be engaged to him again, because of the look Cas was giving him; because their lips were about to collide—
Cas coiled warmly in Dean's arms. The two of them twisted into each other, grinning against each other's mouths and forgetting that the rest of the world existed, that anything else mattered. Dean could hardly breathe; joy twisted through his gut and knocked the air right out of his lungs, and judging by the small, euphoric, gasping noises Cas was making against his mouth, he felt the same.
"You really want to marry me?" Dean asked, feeling disbelief shatter through him, too. "After everything? After I—"
Cas growled and cut him off with a firm kiss, holding Dean as closely to him as Dean thought was possible.
Dean supposed it was some kind of confirmation. He took it that way, anyway.
"I love you." He mumbled against Cas' mouth, his voice hoarse and gruff in his throat as his lips grazed Cas' softly with each word he spoke.
"I love you." Cas replied, beaming as Dean kissed tenderly at the corners of his mouth.
"I need you." Dean croaked huskily, grazing his teeth against Cas' bottom lips, running his fingers through Cas' rain soaked hair. "I can't wait to marry you. I can't wait to be married to you. To spend the rest of my life with you." He beamed as Cas' eyes crinkled once more at their corners, a drop of rain sliding down the bridge of his nose. Dean laughed quietly and wiped it away with the pad of his thumb, gazing into Cas' eyes constantly, never once looking away from Castiel. "I can't wait to be married to you." He repeated, over and over, as though it was a mantra, as though his words would be able to bring that day closer to the two of them.
He gasped a happy breath when his mind flitted over the idea of his and Cas' wedding day. It made the beam that had been fixed upon his face for the past minute spread even further.
"I can't wait either." Cas laughed quietly.
Dean's mind skirted over everything that he and Cas would be able to do when they got married.
Everything it would involve.
"We're gonna spend the rest of our lives together." He beamed, nosing at Cas' nose softly. "I'm gonna get to spend the rest of my life with you."
"You are." Cas laughed. "And I can't wait."
Dean beamed again—he found himself unable to stop. He reached his hands up to graze his fingers softly at Cas' cheeks, damp from the continuous shower. Even through the constant torrent, the dull grey of the rain, he could still see Cas' stormy eyes beautifully clearly. They were like ice on water, their gaze was piercing and intense. They were the first thing Dean had focussed on when he had first seen Cas.
"Oh my God, you're beautiful." Dean whispered, sealing his lips to Cas' again.
The rain was crashing down all around them, the stormy clouds above their heads swirling, and Dean pulled away from Cas, his lungs begging for air. He hated his chest for gasping for oxygen, for demanding to breathe once more.
Cas curled tighter in his arms, resting his forehead against Dean's.
Dean was unbreakably in love with Castiel.
Stubborn Castiel who would frown heavily at Dean as his eyes sparked with something in response to yet another one of Dean's 'inappropriate' comments.
Kind Castiel who would reassure Dean of his worth, his hands and eyes soft as both rested on Dean's face, on his body, as they comforted Dean gently.
Forgiving Castiel who after everything—everything—still loved Dean; who had been compassionate and adoring towards Dean, even to the very last.
Impossible Castiel who unbelievably, impossibly, wanted to marry Dean.
The two of them were going to be married.
Dean's beam was fixed onto his face. It felt permanent, Dean's eyes were still clouding over with happy, overjoyed tears, which were still pouring hotly onto his face, their sensation a burning contrast to the freezing rain.
Dean was in love with Cas. With everything Castiel was, with everything about him. The curve of his smile, the loving curl in his voice as he spoke Dean's name, the stretch of his body, the way his skin shaped over his bones, the way that Cas would smile into Dean's kisses, the arch of his back, the words that Cas spoke, the way they formed in Cas' mouth, even the way that Cas thought.
The way that Dean felt important, as though he mattered—even more than him simply being worth a damn—when he was with Castiel. It was more than Dean had ever dreamed of.
"There's um—" Dean started, his breath shaking with both relief and cold, "There's a ring for me, too—" he stammered, and Castiel laughed—Cas started laughing, almost uncontrollably, giddily, his forehead resting on Dean's. Dean didn't know why—he didn't know what was so funny—but he beamed and laughed along too as Cas' eyes crinkled at the corners—he had no idea what Cas was laughing at, but found himself unable to stop, as well. He felt drunk with joy.
"Look—" Dean started, pulling the other ring out of his pocket, and holding it up—"They match."
"They match." Castiel repeated, laughing still more. He shook his head and beamed, laughing uncontrollably. "They match." He repeated, laughing again, breathlessly.
"Yeah." Dean nodded, beaming in an odd combination of joy and amusement. "They match."
Castiel beamed and shook his head, breaths of amusement still escaping his lips.
"Sorry." Dean laughed. "Is that kinda corny, too?"
"No." Castiel shook his head, still beaming. "It's perfect. You're perfect."
Dean laughed again, kissing Cas. Tears squeezed out of his eyes once more; but this time, they were elated, joyful, running down his cheeks hotly in the freeze of the rain. He laughed dizzily against Castiel's mouth, almost feeling himself collapse under the weight of his own body, of the joy coiling tightly, uncontrollably, inside of him. His legs nearly gave out beneath him.
"Woah." Cas laughed, catching Dean and pulling him up, slightly. "Are you alright?"
"I'm fine—I'm perfect—everything's perfect, Cas. You're perfect. I love you. I can't believe—" Dean broke off as he and Cas started laughing again, joyfully, ecstatically, together. He couldn't breath—his lungs were tight with bliss and excitement and love, love for Castiel and something so much more; something which had burst tightly within him the first time he and Cas had met, like a flame, that hadn't gone out, even over the year that Cas had been gone from his life, it had carried on burning, fiercely for Castiel; the flame that Dean knew would never be extinguished, the one that had only grown ever since he had first met Castiel.
Cas was burrowed under Dean's skin, fixed in Dean's lungs, engraved in his heart.
Dean finally had everything back—he had everything he had lost, all those months ago, back in his life once more—he had everything he had left behind, all that, and more, in his life. Tears wouldn't stop forming in his eyes. He watched as Cas beamed at him, taking the second ring gently from his hand and slipping it, slowly, softly, onto Dean's finger.
Cas leant forward, still smiling, his skin soaked, until his lips, damp from the rain, brushed at Dean's ear.
"Will you marry me, Dean?" He asked, beaming against Dean's skin.
"Yeah." Dean replied hoarsely. "Yeah, Cas. That's all I've ever wanted."
Castiel beamed and slipped the ring completely onto Dean's finger. Dean entwined their hands together, glancing down at the rings.
Cas' ring had been the one thing that had kept Dean going, over all those miserable months; the months that had caused him agony and depression and despair. Cas' ring had been the one thing that had kept Dean going. A constant reminder of what he had lost, of what he needed, of what he had to do.
He glanced at Cas' ring. At the engraved wings which stretched out along the thick silver band, then at his own, with the same carving stretched across it.
On the inside of both bands was the word;
If the sun refused to shine,
On the inside of Cas', other words had been inscribed, on the opposite side:
For the love I found again.
And on the inside of Dean's:
He watched over you
Castiel was perfect, Castiel was Dean's, and that was why he had chosen wings.
Because Castiel was—even if he didn't know it—Dean felt certain that Castiel was the person his mother had been talking about every time she had made her promise—"Angels are watching over you." Dean felt certain.
Castiel was Dean's angel.
Dean sighed as he beamed at Castiel.
He was still crying. Happy tears. He couldn't seem to stop.
"Should we go home, Dean?" Cas asked, brushing Dean's nose gently, tenderly, with his own. Dean let out a shuddering, joyful breath. He couldn't stop crying—it was like all the tears that he had cried for Castiel over those months without him were pouring onto his face, now; except now they were tears of joy, tears of relief, tears of love and wonder as he stared at Cas and continued to process the impossible fact that Castiel wanted to marry him, Dean Winchester.
The rain around them was so icy, the freezing wind whipping around their faces and their bodies almost violently—but Dean didn't feel the cold.
Cas' touch upon his skin was warmer than anything he could have possibly imagined.
Cas' doting gaze was more comforting than all he could have ever wanted, more than Dean thought he had ever deserved.
"Yeah." Dean nodded, smiling lopsidedly, uncontrollably. "Let's go home, Cas."
And there it is! Gah, I hope you're all happy with it. I teared up a few times while writing this chapter.
A few notes I feel like I should say now:
- The fic is very nearly over, yeah. Only a few chapters left. I'm doing an epilogue, for sure, and I want to include some other stuff, so it's certainly not over yet, but yeah. It's getting there.
- If you have any requests for the story please leave them in a review!
- As soon as this fic is done, I'll be publishing another story (Another Destiel one. Of course.) And I hope you'll all enjoy that one, too.
Thank you to all the reviewers from the last chapter! It's so encouraging seeing all your kind words!
ninar77: You're adorable. Bless your heart. Yeah, the story is nearly done. I'll probably have a few chapters of their engagement and wedding day, and then the epilogue, but it won't end up being much more than 30 chapters-definitely under 35. (Hah, when I started this story I thought it would be less than 10, then I thought around 20, and here I am trying to keep it as close to 30 as possible. Madness.) But yes, I agree, I don't want to overdo the story, as much as I have loved writing it. Anyway, thank you so much for reviewing, as always, you made me smile a lot!
Guest reviewer: Haha, I love them too. Dean and Cas are such dorks, bless them. Thank you so much for this review, though, you made me grin goofily and yeah I sound like a dork too. But thank you. You're lovely. And awesome. Thank you so much for all your reviews, every time someone compliment me on my writing I blush loads and do this really big smile because it really means a lot to me tbh. So thanks, you're such a nice person!:D
mary3lizabeth: Thank you so much for reviewing, sweetie, I'm so glad you like the fic! I hope this chapter didn't disappoint ;) and thank you for sticking through all the painful chapters, I know they were kind of miserable!
That's it! I love you all! Thank you so much for reading, I hope you liked this chapter, please review etc. etc. because I'd love to know what you thought of the proposal!
