Author Note: I am so grateful for all the people who have read this fic and asked me to finish it. Yes, it will find it's ending, because there is such a huge love story to be told between Queen B and Lonely Boy. That's why they went from crack!ship to real!ship and that's why some of the best fanfic writers out there choose to write the story of Dan and Blair over and over again. So thank you for waiting YEARS for me to get to this. I hope I do it justice.

I also want to thank those who have recognized that Blair is facing postpartum mood disorder. Children are such amazing creatures, it's a slap in the face that they can also bring terrible depression.

Lastly, I'm kind of in love with Nate and Serena in this fic.

~SB


Morning light is supposed to bring understanding and sanity but all it seems to do is make the pounding in Blair's head even worse. She squints her eyes as Serena pulls open the heavy curtains blocking out the sun and moans a little. Serena turns to look at her and smiles a genuine, caring smile that makes Blair's heart hurt a little.

The events of the night before are fuzzy, almost like a dream, and Blair can barely conjure up images from the events but the feeling isn't gone. She feels hollowed out on the inside, like a great cavern has opened up in her soul and she's going to be swallowed up.

Serena picks up a tray from her dresser and Blair sees that there is a cup of tea on it and a plate with some toast. She smiles. It's the kind of thing a mother brings her sick child, but Blair suspects it's also the only thing Serena can figure out how to make in the kitchen. Life with staff around leaves a girl lacking certain skills, but almost anyone can toast bread and spread butter. The tray is set down on her bedside table and her friend perches herself on the edge of the bed, taking Blair's hand in hers.

"I didn't know if I should let you sleep." Serena starts. Blair thinks that she could sleep forever, staying in the darkness where things hurt less. Serena's hand comes up and smooths a strand of hair that's hanging askew, and with that touch Blair feels the tears start coming. Her chest heaves a little and she chokes back a sob.

"I'm not okay," Blair gasps, leaning forward as Serena's arms circle around her back, her hands stroking small circles. "I'm not okay," she repeats.

It's not just Dorota. It's everything. The baby, Dan being away so much, the feeling that no matter what she does, Blair is losing herself. The fact that it's getting harder and harder to get out of bed, and the fact that she can't remember the person she used to be.

"I know," Serena murmurs. "oh sweetheart, this is so very hard." Serena pulls back a little and looks at her friend. "It's okay to need some help. You don't have to do this alone."

Blair smiles a sad little smile. She knows this. She's read all the pamphlets, the doctor talked to her, she understands, but there wasn't one moment when she was able to say she was okay the day before and the next she wasn't. The changes had been slow, incremental, until Blair was so lost she didn't even know how she'd even gotten into this trap.

She gets up and tries to look presentable. Serena calls Lily and Rufus and they agree they'll keep Gigi at least another day. Blair needs some space right now, although her heart aches to hold her baby girl and she misses her terribly. She also needs to be able to talk to her husband without having to get up to feed or soothe the baby.

Dan and Nate arrive with Grace in tow and Serena crouches down as the tiny girl runs into her arms, and Blair aches to see what her future could be. Dan hangs back, his eyes looking everywhere except at Blair, hands shoved into his pockets, weight shifting from one foot to the other, and Blair just wants to run to him, throw her arms around him, reach up and push his hair out of his eyes, run her fingers along the rough stubble along his jaw. No matter now things have felt, she can't help but love this man and she doesn't think she'll ever stop.

Serena grabs her overnight bag off the floor and turns to Blair.

"I love you, B." she says genuinely. "I'll call you later." Then she puts her around around her husband, Grace on her hip, placing a quick kiss on Nate's cheek, the picture of perfect family bliss, and Blair is struck once again by how much has changed for her friend, how far she has come.

Nate pats Dan on the shoulder on their way to the elevator. "Don't forget what we talked about, man." he says to him in that gruffly intimate way men talk to each other and Dan thanks him then looks sheepish. The elevator doors slide shut and Dan and Blair are finally left alone, standing in the foyer, eyes locked.

"So," Dan finally says. "Serena made you breakfast." There is a small glint of humor in his eyes, a tinge of fear in his voice and his words break the tension. Blair feels herself sag a little and despite all of the darkness inside her, she laughs.

"Yeah. Toast and tea."

Dan walks over to her and places a quick, chaste kiss on her cheek, not other parts of their bodies touching, like a brother might greet a sister. Blair manages not to stiffen at the brush of his lips. Blair wants to say so much to him, to tell him that she mad missed him despite all the events of last night but she didn't say anything. Still apart they walk together into the living room with the floor to ceiling windows and comfortable furniture. Blair settles into a big armchair, Dan settles on the couch across from her, and Blair is glad for the space between them.

"So," She says.

"So," Dan answers back.

They are at an impasse, two opposing forces facing each other.

"Now we talk." Blair's voice is quiet. She doesn't know what will come next, but she knows that they will finally be able to get some of the things that have being left unsaid pulled into the space between them. She just doesn't know how much all of this is going to hurt and what's going to happen when they're done.

Dan doesn't say anything, just sit there in the silence and Blair realizes that he isn't going to be the one doing the talking. He's not going to beg her, to convince her, to plead with her, or even apologize. He's letting her be the one in charge of this conversation and yet again Dan Humphrey knows what she needs without her even telling him. After a long while Blair takes a deep shaky breath, because she knows what she needs to say but even the unspoken words hurt at a level so deep she doesn't know if she's going to survive the answer. Her voice is hoarse, coming out at first in a whisper in the silence, her throat stuck with a little phlegm, and she clears it then asks the question, louder, stronger, because she needs to know.

"Are you cheating on me?" Saying the words out loud hurts. She watches his face crumple and his entire body sag as the answer is ripped from him as if he's in just as much pain.

"No. God no, Blair. I would never, ever. I love you."

There is nothing but naked truth in his face as he rubs a hand through his hair, a classic Dan Humphrey nervous gesture, and he looks at her, pleading with her to believe him. She does. She believes him, but she doesn't feel any less angry. She wants to ask him why Courtney picked up his phone, why she had to go through another woman answering her call, but she doesn't, because she knows the story already. It's not any different than the night before. Dan isn't lying so there's nothing else to say about it. Still, she wants to know something else.

"But you didn't come home."

Guilt now, because Dan wasn't cheating on her, but he wasn't being faithful either, and he looks away because he knows she's right about this. His transgression may not have been cheating on her, but there is a transgression none-the-less, and it still hangs between them. She knows what's going to come next. It's been repeated many times in the past few months. Classes, students, work, all keeping him from coming home, leaving her alone at night, but he surprises her by saying something entirely different. He tells her the truth.

"Home has been hard, Blair."

His honesty startles her and she realizes that Dan Humphrey will never be Chuck Bass. Chuck was always full of excuses and explanations, even when she confronted with the truth. Dan doesn't look away from the truth she's laid out for him, he'd added to it, legitimized it, confirmed what she's been secretly afraid of. He's been staying away from her, from them, on purpose. This is bigger than either of them realized. She blinks back tears that are starting to form as she stares at him, then offers a truth of her own.

"It's been hard for me too."

Her words spur Dan from his state of inertia and he bolts off the couch, across the distance between them, pulling Blair into his arms, burying his face in her hair, whispering her name, and her arms go around him, gripping him as if she might float away. Finally they are really holding each other, not the images they've been trying to project, not the falsities they've wanted each other to believe, and Blair feels the anger slipping away replaced by the same familiar sadness that is rolling off her in waves. He tangles his fingers with hers, holding her hand, pulling her back to the couch with him and the distance is gone. They sit, only their hands touching, facing each other, and Blair shivers a little as she realizes that the room is getting cold. Dorota would be the one to turn on the heat and Blair's chest clenches, unable to stop the image of Dorota lying on the floor that flashes before her eyes. Dan's eyes move from her face to look around until he makes a little sound of "aha!", gets up, leaving her on the couch alone, then returns holding a thick, fluffy blanket he's taken off the back of the other armchair in the room. He sits down and spreads it over the both of them, his hand reaching for hers again, their fingers finding each other.

"I'm so sorry," Dan starts, his voice cracking with emotion, as if he can put everything into how he says these words. Blair feels her wounds close a little with his words because for the first time in a long time she can hear them. "I've been caught up in my work and it makes me feel wanted, and somehow that became more important than you or Gigi, and I...I don't even know if I can say enough to make this better."

Blair reaches out with her free hand and lightly touches his cheek with her fingers. Dan's eyes close at her touch.

"I haven't been there for you," Dan continues. "I haven't been there for our daughter. I've just felt so powerless and I couldn't help you and it felt good to be at school and not here." Dan laughs a little, "I've been staying away because I can't handle all this, which is something I'm not proud of. Nate pretty much told me I've been a first class jack-ass last night."

Blair half-sobs and half-laughs and she silently thanks the world for Nate and Serena who have been so central to everything good that has come into her life, including the fact that someone besides her can call out Dan.

She smiles a little, the first genuine smile in days, "You're not alone in this, my love," Blair says quietly. "I've been so lost."

"No." Dan says emphatically, "don't take this on. You gave us this amazing child, but it's not been easy on you. I've seen that, it's just that I haven't wanted to be honest with myself about what needs to be done. I knew things had to change and I didn't want to give up what I know I need to.

Blair blinks, not quite understanding what Dan is saying. He keeps talking.

"I love teaching. It's almost as good as writing for me, but Blair, I don't need to do it. Not if it means you're alone. Not if it means you feel all the pressure of taking care of Gigi. Not if I'm not with my family. I knew this, which is why I kept avoiding what I needed to do."

"Dan…" Blair whispers. "What are you saying?"

He's talking to fast that his words are almost tumbling over themselves. "I resigned last night, effective today. I'm not leaving you alone. Not right now. We're going to find someone besides me to talk to, and maybe medication. You're going to get back into Waldorf Designs, even if just one day a week. And I'm going back to writing. Hell, maybe I'll just not write for a while and concentrate on taking care of Gigi, getting her into all the best UES playgroups and such. But no matter what, I'm not leaving you again."

Tears are running down her face. No, Dan was not Chuck. He never would be.

"And I'm so sorry, because I've been an asshole. Not that I won't be an asshole again in the future, but I don't want to be the kind of father and husband who leaves his family behind. I'm working on making these things happen less often. And I love you so much Blair Cordelia Waldorf Humphrey. So much that it hurts me," Dan took a clenched fist and gently pounded himself right over his heart, "right here."

She lets go of his hand and leans forward, scooting even closer to him, both her hand coming up to cradle his face, staring into his eyes, and for the first time since Guilliana was born Blair feels the old feeling of hope creeping in. She leans forward and places her lips on his, soft, light, then a little more pressure until his mouth opens and their tongues are tangling and he's groaning her name against her lips. Then she pulls back and gazes into his eyes again and they are dark, full of love and desire and sorrow and everything that makes her love him.

"Take me to bed, Dan Humphrey." Blair whispers, because all of the sudden the only thing she wants to to feel him against her, inside her, to feel his body weighing hers down, to have his mouth crush hers, to tangle her fingers into his hair.

"Yes," Dan hisses, his mouth capturing hers again, hard and swift, then he pulls back. He lets her go and Blair shakes from their loss of contact. Dan stands up from the couch, offering his hand, and when she takes it, he pulls her up, into his arms until he's picked her up entirely and his carrying her. Her face nestles into his clavicle, inhaling his scent, and Blair thinks that life has given them yet another beginning. Is it fair for anyone to have so many chances to begin again? She doesn't think she cares.

She wants to tell him how much she loves him but her brain is so scrambled with relief and desire that the words won't come. She has time. There is tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that.

TBC