This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note: Sorry about the long awaited update. I was moving... into a new townhouse! My own dishwasher! My own washing machine! My own dryer! Joy! Needless to say, we are still unpacking.

2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead.

3rd Note: I'm not really a fan of any Final Fantasy pairing, which I guess is why I'm going out of my way to write Sephiroth into bed with anyone but the cannon. That being said, I sincerely promise that he and Elmyra will not be seeing the inside of a bedroom together, unless it's Zack's room and its part of a gag.

4th Note: Mice dinner. That was actually a typo. Then I decided to keep it. Remember, a little slip of the fingers can make something very funny. And yes, I know the whole Kingdom Hearts 'Riku's dad is Sephiroth' is a rumor, but its funny.

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson. The song 'Muskrat Love' is owned and sung by the group America. The 'Sit' command is the invention of Rumiko Takahashi. I am unaware of who owns Electric Ferret, but everyone needs to check it out. I mean, who would win in a fight to the death between Boba Fett and Batman? Electric Ferret knows! Also, check out battle #162. I promise you'll love it!

Further Disclaimer and Credit Due: The 'healing' of Sephiroth was Ardynna Morrigu's idea. The mobs outside Seph's tent are Randomnimity's, as are the drug induced nightmares and the game show.

Episode 29: Dinner!

"Sir!"

"Oh dear God, he's coming again," The General muttered. His head hit the desk.

Giles pushed the flap aside. "Sir! I have a wonderful surprise for you tonight!"

"I swear to God, Giles, if you're mother is here again..."

"No, Sir. I made a mice dinner especially for you and General Zack."

Sephiroth lifted his head from the table. "What?"

"I made a nice dinner for you and General Zack."

Sephiroth blinked several times. "I thought you said 'mice' dinner."

Giles shrugged. "Must have been a slip of the tongue. I got a hold of these great fish and fried them up with butter."

Sephiroth sighed and accepted his fate. "Bring on the fish."

A Lovely Meal

Zack patted his stomach. "I'm amazed! Giles actually cooked a decent meal for once."

"I wonder where he got the fish," Sephiroth mused.

"Wanna know?" Cloud asked, a smug grin plastered on his face while he leaned against a tent pole.

Sephiroth's head began to spin. "Oh... oh no..." He closed his eyes and when he opened them, Cloud looked less like Cloud and more like a... cloud.

"Yep. Psychedelic fish are hard to come by, but Giles wanted me to get you something special and you know how special Lord Godo's prized pet fish are."

Zack leaned back in his chair. "Whoa... This isn't so bad."

Sephiroth's head dropped to the table. "I hate him. I hate him so very, very much."

7th Ring of Hell (and dropping)

Aeris pulled Tseng along, followed by the rest of the snickering Turks. "Come on. I want to see Zack and the only way I'm getting to the front lines is if you guys sneak me in."

"Come on, Tseng. Help her get in," Reno encouraged, voice high and annoying.

Elena smacked him from behind.

"Ow!"

"Thank you!" Aeris smiled brightly to the newest Turk.

"Aeris? If you don't let go of me, you're going to cut off my circulation," Tseng said.

"Oh. Sorry." She dropped his hand.

Tseng picked her up and tossed her to Rude. "There. Languish like a love sick wife and we'll have you at the front in no time."

Back on the Front

Sephiroth held his head in his hands. "I'm still seeing mist people."

Zack sat up. "Really? The stuff's already out of my system." He eyed his friend. "You've never done a drug before, have you?"

Sephiroth shook his head.

"Geez, man. You're in for a long ride."

"Sir! Visitors!" Giles yelled.

"Great. Just what I need. More people to witness my misery," The General muttered.

"Zack!" Aeris yelled.

Both men sat up straight and ended up smacking their heads off the top tent beams. "Oohhh!" Both leaned over their desks, grasping their heads.

Aeris pushed the tent flap aside. "Guys? Are you two all right?"

Both shook their heads.

Reno stepped into the tent. "Well, well, well. Can't handle our liquor, hmm?"

"Can't handle food poisoning from psychedelic fish," Sephiroth muttered.

Reno took a step back. "Whoa. You mean there actually is something that can lay low the mighty Sephiroth?"

"Yes," Zack said, "The cook's food."

Sephiroth looked up. "Aeris? Why can I see you clearly while everyone else looks like mist?"

"..."

Elena put her hand on Sephiroth's head. "Eek. He's burning up. Let's get him to the infirmary."

Sephiroth grabbed her arm and Elena froze. "Not a word to Hojo."

"Uh... Who'd want to talk to him anyway?"

Sephiroth hit the desk.

Infirmary... Can't wait to get to the Infirmary...

"Well," the nurse said, "His fever's down, and, as far as I can tell, the only voices he's hearing are the ones he came here with. The General will be fine to leave in about an hour."

Tseng coughed.

The nurse looked at him. "And not a word to Muskrat Head."

The hallway erupted into giggles.

Back in the Tent

"So why didn't you use your voodoo?"

Aeris looked at Zack. "My what?"

"Your magic. The mojo. You know..."

"Oh..." She shrugged. "Slipped my mind."

Sephiroth glared at her from the cot. Aeris smiled sweetly.

Reno looked at The General. "So, any good hallucinations?"

"I saw a sparkling green ocean filled with fish and there was a shark crooning 'Muskrat Love' from atop an oyster munching on a mermaid's hair. After it finished singing, the fish turned into muskrats. Why the hell was I hallucinating muskrats?"

The Turks looked at Tseng. Tseng looked away, whistling.

The General looked pointedly at the Turk. "Care to share?"

"The President forced Hojo to teach a science summer camp. They spliced him to a muskrat."

Sephiroth immediately brightened and sat up. "And you didn't tell me? That's a reason to pop open a case of beer."

"Well, I wasn't sure whether or not you'd be happy. Him being your father and all..."

Sephiroth lay back down. "He's not my father. And before you say anything Elena, neither is the red-eyed man in Shin-Ra Mansion."

"Well, Seph, we always knew you were a b------." Reno looked up at Rude and then pushed his hand away. "I can say bastard. The word is rated PG-13."

Rude shrugged. "I'm just pointing out that you might not want to insult the man who can set you on fire by looking at you."

Reno thought about that. "Good point. So what are we going to do about Lord Godo's prized pet fish?"

Dead silence fell over the group.

"Ahh, man! We have to replace them before he knows they're gone!" Zack yelled. "If he finds out we ate them, we really will have a war with Wutai on our hands!"

Aeris put her hands on Zack's shoulders. "Hey, Zack, it's okay. I mean, how hard would it be to replace them?"

Sephiroth sat back up and swung his feet over the edge of the cot. "CLOUD!"

The blonde stuck his head in the tent. "Yo."

"How fast can you get us replacements for Godo's fish?"

"How fast can you requisition a gold chocobo?"

Sephiroth's eyes narrowed at the Chocobo Kid. "Why?"

"I'll need a chocobo that fast to get the required fish from the marsh."

The General sighed. "I want the chocobo back."

Cloud put up his hands in surrender. "No Problem. I'll do it for a clean slate on the fried chocobo matter."

"Done."

An Hour Later...

Rude and Elena leaned over Aeris and watched the fish float around in their water filled, plastic bag.

"They're so pretty..." Aeris mused.

Tseng, Zack, Rude, and Sephiroth leaned over a map.

"If we go by the river here, we can sneak into the palace here and drop the fish," Zack said.

"Don't you think he'd notice they were gone by now?" Tseng asked.

"He's off on the southern front. The only people who'd have noticed aren't there right now," Sephiroth said.

"All right then." Tseng turned to the other three. "Volunteers to go?"

Everyone raised their hands.

Zack blinked. "Aeris?"

The girl shrugged. "Who other than you can say you've been on a mission with The General? Besides, I live in the slums. You can't say I don't know how to take care of myself."

Into the Woods (No... Not the Musical... Bad Reader!)

Geared up and ready to go, everyone stepped out of the tent and into a mob of war protestors.

"LEAVE WUTAI ALONE! GO BACK TO MIDGAR! LEAVE WUTAI ALONE!"

"Oh dear God," Sephiroth breathed and then wished he hadn't. No one in the crowd seemed to know what deodorant was.

Tseng sighed and motioned to Reno. Reno smiled, stuck his tongue out at Elena, and stepped forward.

Reno put on his biggest smile and waved to the crowd. "Hello everybody! My name is Reno and I'm a Turk."

Dead silence fell over the crowd.

"Now you may think I'm the scariest thing you've seen since Midgar's Zombie Nation was trashed by the Kalm Town Cougars. But I guarantee you that we have a scarier piece of history here right now and we like to call him THE General."

The silence was deafening…but broken none the less.

"The General is never on the front lines! He never leaves his office in Midgar!"

"YEAH!"

"Actually," Sephiroth said as he stepped out, "I've never seen the inside of my office in Midgar. In fact, I do everything in my power to stay away from Midgar."

Dead silence fell again.

Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "Shoo!"

The protestors scrambled.

Into the Woods, take 2

The group trudged along the bank of the river, making their way to Mime. A few of the protestors followed behind, silently.

"Why are you following us?" Elena asked.

"We're silent protestors," protestor #1 whispered, "Except for George. He's just a big Sephiroth fan."

"Fans?" Aeris whispered. She looked at Sephiroth. "You have fans?"

Sephiroth shrugged. "Don't look at me. I didn't ask for them," he muttered.

Aeris looked at George. "You! Off my Planet!"

They made their way to the palace and snuck over the walls. Inside, they found a large fountain and a pool.

"Is this it?" Reno asked.

Rude looked at the map. "I think so."

"Let's dump the fish."

Aeris opened the bag and dropped the fish into the pool.

Tseng looked at the map. "Uh. Rude? The map was upside down. This is the wrong pool."

Everyone groaned... except the silent protestors.

The group jumped into the pool to grab the fish. The fish managed to dodge everyone's hands, but when they managed to touch a fish, it stung. Elena started swaying on her feet. Rude managed to catch her before she smacked her head on the side of the pool.

"Elena doesn't look so good," Rude said.

Tseng rushed over and gently touched Elena's cheek. He waved a hand in front of her glazed eyes. "I think she's drugged."

Everyone rushed over.

"On what?" Reno asked.

Aeris looked at the pool. "The fish! It has to be the fish! If eating them was enough to put Seph in the hospital, being stung by them must make you hallucinate too!"

"Oh crap."

Everyone, sans Aeris, hit the ground. "Uh... Guys?"

Enter Sandman... Or something similar...

Welcome to Shin-Ra Squares! The game where celebrities help contestants win thousands of prizes!

In our first square is Giles and Kakashi!

Giles waved while Kakashi yelled, "HI MOM!"

In our second box, we have the Silent Protestors!

The Silent Protesters remained silent, but waved to the crowd.

In our third box is General Zachary Donovan!

Zack looked around. "Whoa. Bad trip."

In box number four is the leader of the Turks, Tseng!

"Hmm..."

In box number five is the great General Sephiroth!

He put his head in his hand. "This is humiliating."

In box number six is the newest Turk, Elena!

Elena bounced in her chair slightly before adjusting it. "At least the chairs are comfy."

In the seventh box are the Turks, Rude and Reno.

Reno leaned over the desk. "Can I get a beer over here?"

In the box number eight is Aeris!

"Hold on! I didn't even pass out! I'm collecting the fish and putting them in the other pool!"

And in the last box is our very own Vice President, Rufus!

"I'M NOT IN THIS FIC!"

"YOU ARE NOW!" the audience yelled.

And our first contestant is Addict #6 from the Midgar Slums!

"Hey Mikey!" Aeris yelled, waving.

And our second contestant is Mako reactor tech #16 from Nibelheim.

Zack leaned over the desk. "Yo! Chris! How's it goin,' man?"

And our last contestant is experiment #432, Clone #6!

Sephiroth stood up, hands pounding the table. "Number Six! Where did you get that bruise! Is Hojo beating you again?!"

"No. Just caught a Frisbee wrong. Sefffffffffffffffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeroth!"

Sephiroth sat back down.

So let's play MIDGAR SQUARES!

"These squares aren't dirty enough to be from Midgar," Elena said.

"If this is tic-tac-toe, why are there three contestants?" Tseng asked. He leaned out of his box and looked at the others. "Whose drug induced trip is this anyway?"

"Good question," Rufus said.

Now, contestants, you choose a square and I will ask the occupant a question. Then, you choose whether to agree or disagree with the answer the celebrity gives. Are you ready? Addict #6! Choose a square!

"Um... I choose Aeris."

All right then. Aeris. What tree do we harvest sap from for syrup?

"That would be a maple tree!"

Addict #6, do you agree or disagree?

"Agree!"

Correct! Addict #6 gets his first square. Choose your next one.

"Umm... The silent protestors look like they're nice."

Silent Protestors, who starred opposite Rowan Atkinson in 'The Black Adder Goes Forth?'

The Silent Protestors whispered together for a minute before nodding to each other. "Tony Robinson."

Addict #6, do you agree or disagree?

"Um... Agree?"

Are you sure?

"Yes."

Is that you're final answer?

"This isn't 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire,' moron!" Rufus yelled. "He gave his answer and he's right so just give him the damn square!"

The Silent Protestors' square lit up.

Addict #6, choose your next square.

"Um... The General?"

General Sephiroth, who is your father?

Sephiroth looked up from checking his split ends. He shrugged. "Beats me."

"Yeah, Hojo did beat you a lot..." Rufus mused.

Aeris leaned over from her square to smack Shinra the Younger up the backside of the head.

Addict #6, do you agree or disagree?

"I'm not sure there's an answer."

Wrong! There is an answer, but Square-Enix has yet to announce it. The square goes to the Reactor Tech. Choose a square!

"Um... I'll take Zack."

Zack, what is the name of Sephiroth's son?

Zack leaned over the desk. "You've got a son, man? Why didn't you tell me?"

Sephiroth leaned out of his square to look at his friend. "I don't have a son, Zack. I don't have any children."

"Oh." Zack looked back at the reactor tech. "Trick question, Chris. He doesn't have any kids."

Reactor Tech, do you agree or disagree?

"Disagree."

"What!" Zack stood up. "Why?"

"Because I know you, man. You never have the right answer for anything."

Reactor Tech #16 is correct! Zack does not have the right answer and The General does have a son. The third square goes to you. Choose you next square!

"The Turks for the win!"

"Wait a minute! When did I have a son? And with whom? I've slept with, maybe three women in my entire life! Which one of them had my kid?"

Rude and Reno, here is your question: The Electric Ferret website is responsible for what entertainment?

"Comic Book Universe Battles!" both yelled and high fived.

Reactor Tech #16, do you agree or disagree?

"I agree!"

Reactor Tech #16, you WIN! Your prize is an all expense paid trip to Costa del Sol! Have a good night everyone!

"WAIT! WHEN DID I HAVE A SON!"

I'm not nice enough for it to be over yet.

Sephiroth felt a warm and gooey inside for a minute and then opened his eyes. Aeris was leaning over him.

"Oh good. You're awake. You were out for a while there."

He blinked several times before sitting up. "What happened?"

"You guys passed out from the fish toxin. I was the only one that hadn't been stung. I got the fish into the right pool, but you guys were out of it for a while. The silent protestors helped me get you guys out of the water. They're really nice."

"I had this horrible nightmare that I was in a game show and one of the questions was about a son I didn't have."

Rufus leaned over him. "You do have a son, Seph. But I gave him to Hojo."

Sephiroth leapt at Rufus.

"OSWARI!"

Sephiroth hit the ground and faded out of consciousness.

Okay. I'll let him wake up this time.

Sephiroth felt a warm and gooey inside for a minute and then opened his eyes. Aeris was leaning over him.

"Oh good. You're awake. You were out for a while there."

He blinked several times before sitting up. "What happened?"

"You guys passed out from the fish toxin. I was the only one that hadn't been stung. I got the fish into the right pool, but you guys were out of it for a while. The silent protestors helped me get you guys out of the pool. They're really nice."

"I had this horrible nightmare that I was in a game show and one of the questions was about a son I didn't have. And then you used the 'Sit' command on me, though I don't remember this being a cross over." He reached up to be sure he hadn't grown dog ears.

"Are you okay to stand?"

"Yes. I think so." He stood with Aeris' help. "What was that warm glow?"

"I healed you. Duh. I do know how to use materia."

"Right." They hobbled over to the others and scrambled out of the palace.

Back at camp...

"So we all hallucinated the game show?" Tseng asked.

"Apparently," Elena said.

"Weird," Rude breathed.

"So Seph, if you actually had a kid, what would you name him?" Zack asked. He put on a large, encouraging grin.

"I wouldn't name him after you, Zachary. That's for damn sure."

Zack's grin turned into a pout.

"I don't know. I like the name Riku."