29
Just as I was curling up to go to bed, the door to the bunk room opened and Gaea stepped inside, looking beat. Her long red hair hung across her face and she sighed wearily, walking over to her bed. She set her helmet down and began to fiddle with the clasps on her armor. The room was mostly dark, but I had left a few candles burning, so there was some light to see by.
"Tired?" I asked, looking over my shoulder at her.
She glanced up. "Oh, Sasha, I thought you were already asleep."
"No, I just laid down a few minutes ago."
She unhooked the shoulder clasps on her armor and pulled the shoulder pads off, tossing them on the floor. "What a day," she said. "I feel like we have a million things to do." She sat down on the bed and slid out of her armor with a grunt, flopping it down on the bed beside her, brushing her hair out of her face with a tired wave of her hand.
"Is the new Captain putting a lot of responsibility on you?" I asked.
"He sure is. I don't think I'm ready for it."
"I'm sure you'll do fine. It's only temporary, right?"
"Hopefully," Gaea said, unbuckling her belt. She leaned over to pull off her boots and undo her thigh armor, and set them on the floor by the shoulder pads. "I don't feel comfortable giving orders to all these new men. I don't know them, and I don't think they'll listen to me the way they might listen to a male commander."
I rolled over to face her. "Don't let them know you feel that way. Just act like you're used to giving orders."
"I'm not used to it at all," Gaea said, shaking her head slightly. "I never applied for promotions, I always liked just being a soldier. I don't like being in charge."
She sighed and stood up to change her clothes. Underneath her armor, she wore a warm long-sleeved sweater, and pulled it over her head, dumping it on the floor by the wooden box at the foot of her bed. In the warm candlelight, her skin glistened with sweat, and I could see the lines of muscles on her arms and chest. I found myself watching her change clothes, although I usually turned away to be polite. This time I watched her undress, because we had become good friends and I didn't think there was anything strange about it.
She caught me watching her, and said softly, "So how was your day? I saw you in the kitchen at dinner. I'm sure Liman was glad to see you there."
"I just wanted to do something productive," I explained. "I spent all afternoon helping clear out the area where the office was, but I helped Liman with lunch and dinner."
Gaea slid out of her dark slacks and took a thin tunic out of the wooden chest. She pulled it on and then brushed her hair behind her head. She left her legs bare, and padded over to the bed in her bare feet.
"Captain Cavorian was asking about you," she said as she sat down on the bed. Taking a stiff brush off her nightstand, she began to brush her hair, like she did every evening. "He wanted to know if you would accept a position within the Legion."
"Why would he ask that?"
"Come on, Sasha," Gaea said, giving me a smirk as she brushed her hair. "You single-handedly killed a whole group of rieklings. You practically carried Mirisa here from halfway to Thirsk. I told him about our run-in with those berserkers too. Half the fort is talking about you. Given your obvious talents, Cavorian would have to be an idiot not to want you to join the Legion. You could be a great help."
"I hope you told him I wasn't interested."
"I suggested that it was unlikely you would accept an offer of employment."
I laughed and said, "That's a nice way of putting it. Besides, I'm already willing to help them, you know that. It doesn't mean I want to join."
"Nords have joined the Legion before," Gaea said.
"I'm aware of that."
Setting her brush back on the nightstand, Gaea leaned back on her elbows and fiddled with the bottom hem of her tunic. "So what are your plans then? You're going to stay here at least until we discover who is responsible for the attack, right?"
"Of course I am."
"And after that?"
I sat up in bed a little bit. "I would like to return to Skyrim eventually."
"Do you still have family there?"
I decided to be honest. "Not anymore. But it's still my homeland. It's where I grew up, it's still what I think of as home."
But you … you don't have to return to Skyrim, right?" Gaea asked.
I looked at her carefully and sat up a little straighter. Her face was in shadow, her red hair glinting in the candlelight, but I could see her eyes. She nervously fumbled with the hem of her tunic, but her body posture was tense. I felt a sudden, sad longing for her, and I felt sorry for her at the same time.
"Are you asking me to stay?" I asked gently.
"Just think about it, okay?" she asked hopefully. "I mean, I know how you feel. I know you aren't … interested in me like that. But … it's just that ..."
"You can be honest with me, Gaea," I said. "Tell me what's on your mind."
She breathed out a long, uncomfortable sigh. "I don't have any other friends here," she said in a low, trembling voice. "Even before the attack, I didn't have many. But they were all killed. You're the only person that I can really talk to. I don't have anyone else."
"Just give it time," I said. "Maybe you can make friends with some of the new guards here. I've spoken with a few of them, they don't seem so bad."
"But I can't do that if Cavorian insists on putting me in charge," Gaea explained. "I can't make friends with the soldiers I'm in charge of. And once they find out that … that I don't like men, then they'll lose respect for me anyway. I don't even know what Cavorian will do once he finds out."
"All of the new reinforcements are men, aren't they?"
"Yes," Gaea said, with a touch of bitterness. "I'm the only woman guard here now. You and me are the only two women in the whole damn fort."
I didn't know what else to say, so I just said, "I'm sorry, Gaea. I wish I knew how I could help you."
"Just stay for a little while," she asked quickly. "I know how pathetic this sounds, but I can't help it. I like you, I really do, and it hurts me. I think if I have to stay here on this damn island by myself any longer I think I'll go crazy."
Her voice broke at that last sentence, and I realized she was actually crying. It broke my heart to see her like this, and I mentally cursed myself for not being more aware of her feelings sooner. We had been so busy, and I had been so preoccupied with my other problems, that I didn't spend too much time thinking about Gaea. How long had her feelings been building up like this?
She had probably felt this way long before I ever even arrived on Solstheim, unable to find another woman to share her feelings with. She had been alone for a very long time, and now that she had found someone she liked, she was afraid to see them go.
I hadn't asked to be put in this position, but I realized that I was partly to blame as well. Maybe I was a little too friendly with her, maybe I had led her on, but whatever the case, I felt guilty about it.
I pulled off my blankets and went over to her bed, sitting down beside her. She tentatively reached out for me, and then fell into my arms, embracing me tightly. All this time, she had wanted someone to hold her, and I could feel the flood of emotion pouring out of her, dumping all her pent-up emotion on me like a catharsis.
She dried her tears on my shoulder and whispered, "I'm sorry, Sasha. I'm sorry I'm being so selfish. It's not fair to you."
"It's okay," I said softly. "I was being selfish too, I guess."
"You lost someone too," she said. "I didn't know how to comfort you, I didn't know what to say."
"Don't worry about him. It's not important now."
I carefully pried myself away from her and set my hand on her leg. She sighed a deep sigh of relief and wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand. "Thank you," she whispered. "Thank you for that. I feel better now. I was just afraid that … you know, you would take it the wrong way. I was afraid that I would scare you off."
"Us girls have to stick together, right?" I said with a smile. "I'm sorry I can't give you what you want, but I can still be your friend."
"Thank you, Sasha."
Her hair had fallen in front of her face again, so I gently brushed it away and put my hand on her shoulder. Then I casually leaned in and gave her a quick kiss on the lips.
"Let's get some rest," I said. "We can talk about this more in the morning. You'll feel even better after you've had some sleep."
Gaea didn't resist as I helped her into bed and pulled the covers up over her. She rolled onto her side and smiled at me. "Good night," she said.
"Good night," I said as I got into bed myself.
"Sasha?"
"Yes?"
"Maybe tomorrow, you can tell me a little more about your past. Whatever you've done, it doesn't matter to me. You can tell me, you know."
"I know," I said as I curled up under the blankets. "I'll tell you tomorrow, I promise."
