Disclaimer: Why do I need to keep saying I don't own Naruto...troublesome...

(Keep in mind, these short stories have no relation to the main story whatsoever.)

Chris Hansen: This is Dateline NBC and we're catching child predators! Our first guest is Orochimaru!

Orochimaru: Eh...I'm not a child predator.

Hansen: Please, take a seat.

Orochimaru: But...but...

Hansen: Please, take a seat!

Orochimaru: Fine, fine...but I didn't do anything to Sasuke!

Hansen: Then why does this chat log have you saying to Sasuke that 'you want his body', 'I'm going to make you lose something', and 'I'm going into you'?

Orochimaru: They're double meanings and meant to be the innocent kind!

Hansen: Okay...then why did you send the 15-year old boy a picture of your genitals?

Orochimaru: Um...I wanted him to know my parameters so he could get used to the feel!

Hansen: Right, right. Cops, send him away.

Orochimaru: NOOO!! I have to be in the same prison cell as Ebisu and that Cloud Ninja who Hiashi actually didn't kill! Damn you all!


Chapter 28: Chidori and Rasengan; Part 2

Okay...so last chapter, Shikamaru got raped, Ebisu got heavy punishment for taking pictures of Hinata and making them into posters, and Sasuke trapped Naruto in the weirdest Tsukyomi, in which the Naruto characters act out of character and have messed-up names!

After passing the Academy exams and announcing teams, Erika yelled, "Now meet with your damn senseis and go die!"

The students angrily filed out of the academy and Seasick Utah, the black-haired container of Cubby the demon, ran to Ion and asked, "Now that we're on the same team, we gotta know each other better! Let's go to Itchy Rack-oo's and stick chopsticks up our noses!"

"Forget it, baka. I'm meeting Nature-kun and having sex with him!" Ion answered, as Seasick said, "Sex? I dunno what that is, but it sounds kinda sick. Mind if I join? We're a team after all."

"Stop it with your 'team' crap, it's only gonna be ME AND NATURE-KUN! Stay out of it, douche!" Ion said, as Seasick started to cry, and Sacker, the pink-haired, shy girl, blushed at Seasick and felt guilty that she couldn't help him in his time of need.

Then, as Seasick went to meet his new sensei, Cock a-she, he saw Hint a Huge and Neigh Huge kissing each other passionately and he asked, "Um...aren't you two cousins?"

Hint a answered, "What of it...mind your own business! Besides, we live in the same place, so it's easier to do what we do in...wait, that came out wrong," as Neigh started blushing and said, "Our love was only destiny, nothing more."

'Well, Neji didn't change much in this world, did he?' the real Naruto thought, forced to stare at this realm.

Then, Nature Uzi Mack, an arrogant, quiet, emo boy with blond hair, Ion YamNacho, who was Seasick's love interest, and the jailer of Cubby, Seasick himself, met where they were supposed to meet and Cock a-she wasn't there!

Seasick got angry, then an idea flashed in his head!

"Hey, I'm gonna put this random tube and put it on top of the door so it lands on Cock-a-she sensei for being so late!" Seasick exclaimed.

Nature replied, "Hn...he won't fall for that, loser! He's a Genin-leveled ninja and we're Jonin! He knows we're better than him and he'll avoid all traps!"

Seasick asked, "If we're better than him, why is he our sensei?"

The other two answered, "He's old!"

Just then, Cock-a-she came through the door and the tube landed on his head. He read the tube label and it said 'Night Lubricant.'

Then, Cock-a-she said, "My first opinion of you guys is that...you're awesome! Thanks for the lube! Yay!"

The three sweatdropped, then followed Cock-a-she to the training ground, where he said, "Now...you must pass another test! You gotta get these...two testicles that I stole from Michael Jackson!"

Seasick asked, "Yeah, about that...what's a Michael Jackson?"

Kakashi answered, "Ya don't wanna know. But steal these testicles from me, anyway. You have one hour. Go."

Seasick charged forward, thinking, 'I'll show Ion that I'm cool!'

"Human Cloning Jutsu!" Seasick said, then, he took out many of his own stem cells and waited until they turned into 10 Seasicks.

The ten Seasicks grabbed Cock-a-she, but he slapped him in the butt and flew away. "Are you gay or something?!" Seasick asked, falling into a tree.

Then, Nature came out of the bushes with a 140-proof alcoholic drink and a lighter. First, he opened the cap and got drunk, then he said, "Drunken Fist!" and tried to punch Cock-a-she, but Cock-a-she said, "Sharing gone!" and activated his Sharing gone, which made his eyes turn blue. In this state, he was too fast for Nature and also slapped him in the behind.

Nature reacted to this and yelled, "Fire thingy Jutsu!" and lit the lighter, sprayed his alcohol on Cock-a-she, and threw the lighter in with it, burning him to a crisp. Cock-a-she came out of the fire, and he was burnt on some parts of the body.

"You seem better than the black-hair guy...but you're all failures!" Cock-a-she said, while he took out a completely non-perverted book.

"But you...you were the worst! You didn't even do anything! So I'll tie you up as punishment!" Cock-a-she said to Ion, who was talking to her friends on her cellphone.

"Tie me up?! Ew, you sick pedophile!" Ion said, as Cock-a-she replied, "That's not what I meant..."

So Ion was tied up to a post in the training ground and Cock-a-she gave hamburgers to Nature and Seasick.

"Oh, and if you give ANY of the hamburgers to Ion, you all fail!" Cock-a-she said, leaving the training ground.

Ion started complaining about how hungry she was, and Seasick refused to eat anything other than ramen, so Seasick said, "Here, Ion-chan...have my burger!"

Nature said, "No, you imbecile! He'll fail us all!", and Ion said, "What-ever! It's not like you deserve food anyway, you non-Nature. So gimme!"

As Ion took her first bite, Cock-a-she appeared in a poof of smoke and started looking VERY, VERY angry.

"What did I say?! Someone who disobeys orders is trash! But...someone who betrays their comrades...should be held above all praise because that's what gives success! Being a selfish son-of-a-bitch! What, you think I became a Genin by doing nothing?!" Cock-a-she started.

"YOU ALL FAIL! FO' REALZ, FOO!" Cock-a-she finished.

"See, told ya, you little prick!" Nature said, and Ion continued, "Yeah! The food didn't even taste good! Listen to Nature-kun next time, prick!"

And so, Seasick gave up his dream of being the Hoekage and became a taxi driver.

The End.

In the Tsukyomi dimension, Naruto was forced to see repeated clips of this around a hundred times before Sasuke let him go, and he said, "It was quite amusing, huh?"

"No, it was freaking confusing! I was you, you were me, Ino was Sakura, Hinata-chan was Tenten, Sakura was Hinata-chan, Tenten was Ino, Shika was Lee, Lee was Shika, and CHOJI WASN'T FAT!! That was SO MESSED UP!" Naruto responded.

"Good, I intended it that way," Sasuke said before the two warped back into the normal dimensions of Konoha.

Then, Naruto grabbed his head, starting to get a massive headache and Hinata said, "Naruto-kun! Are you okay?!"

Naruto sat there like a sitting duck and Sasuke ran over, then punched his face and sent him flying, where he took out his sword and cut him to five pieces.

But he disappeared.

"Damn...with all of these shadow clones, I'll have to call upon a massive attack!...Kirin!"

Then, from the outside of the stage, Karin ran at Sasuke and started hugging him and said, "I missed you too, Sasuke-kun!"

"NOOO! Damn you, fangirl! I didn't say Karin! I meant KIRIN!" Sasuke yelled, pushing Karin away, and a bolt of natural lightning came down from the sky, frying two ducks that was flying. A fat man in the crowd happened to drop some Peking Duck sauce at the same time, smothering the fried ducks, and one fell into the real Naruto's mouth, while the other fell in Sasuke's mouth. Before Naruto finished indulging, Sasuke said, "By the way you eat...you're definitely the real Naruto! Kirin!"

Then, the Naruto with the duck in his mouth got out the green rubber-spandex suit that Gai gave him three years ago, and he quickly put it on, making the lightning go through him and to somewhere else.

"Damn it...rubber...But rubber can still be heated! Amaterasu!" Sasuke said, straining and forcing a black fire out of his Mangekyo eye, and Naruto blocked it with...a bowl of Ichiraku's ramen! Then, Naruto took out a pair of chopsticks, broke them in two, and ate the ramen, saying, "Thanks! The fire makes it extra-hot!"

Sasuke sweatdropped, his best techniques being rendered useless by some idiotic pranks.

Naruto and his 270 shadow clones all said, "It's our turn! Henge no Jutsu!", and the real Naruto turned into Hinata, while the shadow clones turned into Sakuras.

"Fangirls! Must...kill...all! I AM AN AVENGER AND I WILL AVENGE MY VIRGINITY!!" Sasuke yelled insanely, saying, "Chidori Current!", and charging a barrier of electric chakra around him, stunning and damaging anyone who got close to him. Sasuke naturally aimed for all of the Sakuras, and yet there were so many that he was distracted long enough for 'Hinata' to get behind Sasuke, where 'she' said, "I h-hope you like the feel of this...One Thousand Deaths!"

Hinata stabbed Sasuke...you know where. And he started smiling smugly, even knowing that it was Naruto and not Hinata, and he said, "Yes, I love the feel of this!!", while flying in the air.

"Ok, so by the looks of it, he's either gay or extremely perverted for Hinata. Troublesome," a certain guy in the crowd said before the attention shifted back to the fighters and Tenten threw a dead chicken at Sasuke.

Sasuke started going into a hissy fit, wanting to destroy everything he saw. He charged up another ball of lightning, bigger than the first, and said, "Odama Chidori! Ten Thousand Birds!"

Naruto, in response, performed a Kage Bunshin no Jutsu to the dead chicken and ten thousand of them appeared. Then, Naruto used those for a shield and said, "Ten Thousand Birds Defense! Dead Chickens!"

The two masses collided, and Sasuke's Odama Chidori burned through the first bunch of dead chickens, but after that, the incinerating stopped and Sasuke could only slow-cook them. Then, as Sasuke reached the end, Naruto grabbed one of the fried chickens and dropped it in his Amaterasu ramen, saying, "Yum!"

Sasuke realized it now: Why Naruto was using all of these silly defenses. He was mocking Sasuke! 'That dobe! I can't take it anymore! I am the best Uchiha! The Avenger! Even my best friend cannot mock me! Prepare to be shocked!' Sasuke thought, charging a fourth Chidori and jabbing it into his sword, making the lightning-fused sword and Chidori one.

Naruto, in response, ordered three of his Sakura-clones to make a Futon: Rasen-katana, and they did so, making a sword of pure wind chakra.

The Naruto-Sakuras and Sasuke charged forward for the immense blow, and Sasuke tried dodging over the Naruto-Sakuras to get to the real Naruto. But, as Sasuke jumped, the Naruto-Sakura slashed Sasuke in the foot with the Rasen-katana, immobilizing him for a while, and Sasuke threw his sword to destroy the Naruto-Sakuras.

'Hn!! He can injure me without even a scratch to himself?! I must prove my self! MORE POWER!!' Sasuke angrily thought, activating his Curse Seal to Level 2, gaining access to more speed, physical strength, and chakra.

Sasuke charged forward and said, "Katon: Odama Raika! Great Thunder Flame!", launching a spear of lightning from his hand and missing on purpose. Then, the ground crackled with electricity, and it hit blades of grass, lighting them all on fire and dispersing many of Naruto's shadow clones. The real Naruto was forced to jump up and down until the attack ended, then, charged forward with another Rasengan, aiming for Sasuke's legs. Sasuke stood in a more defensive stance and said, "Super Emo Attack!"

With that, Sasuke cut himself with his sword. But not without purpose. Dodging Naruto's Rasengan, he then stabbed the sword shallowly into Naruto's forearm, not enough for him to get permanent effects, but enough for their blood to mix.

"What, are you trying to give me the AIDS that Orochimaru gave you?!" Naruto asked, as Sasuke scowled and answered, "You'll see."

Then, Sasuke put his palm on Naruto's wounded forearm and said, "Summoning: Chakra Leeches!"

Unknown to Naruto yet, the Chakra Leeches, which need Sasuke's blood to be summoned, were summoned directly inside his body! Within mere seconds, even Naruto's massive chakra reserves seemed weak and Naruto collapsed.

"Hn...looks like I win, dobe!" Sasuke said, and Hinata looked in shock. Naruto couldn't lose! He never gives up!

"Hey, Hinata, mind looking to see what's wrong?" Kiba asked, as she nodded and said, "Byakugan!"

Indeed, she could see the mini-leeches in Naruto's bloodstream, invading his chakra coils, and Naruto's chakra already looked almost depleted. While this was happening, Hinata thought, 'Must...resist...urge...to...look...down!'

"Um...g-guys, Sasuke summoned chakra-sucking l-leeches into Naruto-kun's chakra network!" Hinata said.

Shino responded, "Just as I thought...Sasuke is attempting to decrease Naruto's vast chakra reserves, as Naruto's chakra is the reason he is victorious in all of his matches."

Then, down in the arena, Naruto thought, 'Come out here, you damn fox!'

"Yay! Teletubbies! Wait...what?! Oh, right! I'll give you my chakra, fool, but win this thing so we take over Konoha! Mwa ha ha!!"

"Uh...dude...we're not taking it over, I'm gonna LEAD it. And stay out of trying to destroying it, alright?" Naruto asked.

"No way! I'm destroying it and it's final!"

"Sigh...let's settle this later, just give me your damn chakra."

"Fine, fine. Just leave me alone, I might miss Dora the Explorer."

"Psh..." Naruto finished, as he emerged from Kyuubi's lair and faced Sasuke, his chakra coils overpowered with flaming chakra, killing the leeches that were residing.

Sasuke saw this with his Sharingan and said, "What the hell?! You...got rid of the leeches?!...No matter, I will still win!"

"I said I'll be Hokage and I never go back on my word!" Naruto exclaimed, as they both charged a last attack, aiming to maim, but not kill.

Naruto dispersed all of his shadow clones, getting back the majority of his chakra, then said, "Rasenshuriken!", making a giant shuriken of dark-green chakra, while his shadow clone said, "Rasengan!", producing a ball of purple chakra.

Sasuke, with his Level 2 curse seal, said, "Black Chidori!"

The two both nodded to each other, meaning that they would both only aim for the legs (for safety), and Sasuke yelled, "For Hinata-chan! And power!"

Both the real Naruto and his shadow clone started running and said, "For Hinata-chan! And free ramen!"

Sasuke ran at a breakneck pace, approaching Naruto with the fierce attack, and just as Sasuke would connect, the shadow clone Naruto said, "Kage Bunshin no Jutsu! Wall Formation!"

The 200 summoned Narutos stacked on top of each other, each with a Rasengan in hand, to form a wall and stop Sasuke. Unfortunately, Sasuke had enough speed to drill through them and be left intact, but he went much slower and his Chidori looked weaker, while Naruto's Rasenshuriken was at full strength.

"Chidori!"

"Rasenshuriken!"

Once again, cautious of each other, Naruto and Sasuke jabbed each other in the left thigh, and a rip in space-time happened, and some idiot decided to go in, and everyone else ignored it.

"Naruto-kun!" Hinata said.

"Sasuke-kun!" Ino said.

"Hmm..." Shino said.

"MALE GENITALIA!...What? I didn't say penis! Penis!" Sai ended, while two dead chickens hit his head, and he was starting to get used to this.

As the dense smoke cleared, Sasuke had a large gash in his leg, but Naruto's was larger and he was unconscious, needing medical attention.

"No! Naruto-kun!" Hinata yelled, but as she was about to jump down again, Neji, with veins bulging from his eyes, grabbed her shoulder and said, "No. Wait. Watch what happens."

'This is the same thing Naruto did to me in the Chunin Exams...he sure isn't too original anymore.' Neji thought.

'Is my cousin trying to torment me again?' Hinata thought, worriedly looking, as Naruto looked defeated.

Jiraiya said, "Naruto is..."

BAM! No, wait...KA-PLASH! Maybe even WHOOSHIE!!

Naruto's hand came from the ground and his Rasenshuriken (once again, not 100 percent strength, so he doesn't kill) attacked Sasuke in the other leg, sending him swirling and knocking him out.

Shocked looks came from the crowd everywhere and Jiraiya said, "Never mind, Naruto is the victor!"

Hinata smiled at her cousin, Ino started bawling, and Tenten couldn't care less, because she was also smiling at Hinata's cousin.

Naruto dragged Sasuke by the collar and his head hitting the stairs woke him up.

"How...how did you win, dobe? I had more power..." Sasuke faintly said, and Naruto replied, "I'll tell ya soon. Soon enough. But honestly, great fight!"


So, Naruto won, Hinata will face off with Hanabi soon and Hiashi will show up again, trying to make everyone look pathetic! See what happens next chapter!

Match results so far:

(18)Hinata def. (1) Kakashi

(17)Sakura def. (2)Gai;

Quarterfinal match: (18)Hinata def. (17)Sakura

(15)Naruto def. (16)Konohamaru def. (3)Neji

(4)Kurenai def. (14)Choji;

Quarterfinal match: (15)Naruto def. (4)Kurenai

(10)Sai def. (5)Ibiki def. (13)Kiba

(6)Iruka def. (12)Ino

Quarterfinal match: (6)Iruka def. (10)Sai

(7)Lee def. (11) Shikamaru

(9)Tenten def. (8)Shino

Quarterfinal match: (7)Lee def. (9)Tenten


Semifinal Matchups:

(18)Hinata def. (6)Iruka

(15)Naruto def. (7)Lee

Finals Matchups:

(18)Hinata vs. (15)Naruto (duh)

But first...(15)Naruto def. Sasuke (unranked) / Hanabi (unranked) vs. (18)Hinata


Votes for who wins: (NOTE: One vote per person per poll. That means you can't vote for the same category again next chapter.)

Hinata or Naruto? (New Poll! Because it was pretty obvious that both would win, and I'm actually giving a choice for this! lol)

(7 to 3; Naruto), and the funny thing is, I actually wanted Hinata to win, because it would be interesting to write. Oh, well, this is less complicated :)

I got a suggestion from Mr. Psycho that Hinata and Naruto's match should be in the finals, instead of the semifinals.

When do you want to see them fight? Semis or Finals?

(5 to 1; Finals)


(NOTE: One vote per person per poll. That means you can't vote for the same category again next chapter.)

POLL: Sakura's Death:

Sakura will die thanks to your votes, so how do you want her fatality?

Also, she will go into other plot twists, such as Akatsuki, because I want her to die dramatically :)

Guillotine (1 vote)

Tickle torture (6 votes) (I got so many anonymous votes for this one that I'm not counting anonymous votes for this category anymore. It might be one person voting multiple times 0.o)

Disembowelment (3 votes)

Ramen force-feed (2 votes)

Sex change/suicide (1 vote)

Penis no Jutsu (3 vote)

Everything (6 votes)

Other (1 vote, involving a bunch of things)