Author's Note: So…I gave up reading fanfiction for lent. I can still write it (obviously), so please please please give me reviews because I need that. Just these three days have been killing me. Please? Thanks. Enjoy.
Lily found herself in almost the same position she had been in on September first. She was a single girl with a book in her hand, and the only difference was the absence of Lindsey.
Lily flipped through the pages in her newest novel, wishing she could get herself in the mood to read. There was absolutely too much on her mind.
Having made the decision to press charges against her father, most of her Christmas break had been spent talking to police officers and waking up from horrific nightmares. Oh, and there was also the issue of the therapist.
Lily had argued long and hard, but she may as well have argued with the telly because her mother paid no mind. Oh, it aggravated her.
The only problem Lily pointed out that her mother had paid any attention to was the fact that she would be at school, and the therapist would be at home. Ha! It was perfect, and Lily was sure her mother was stumped.
Unfortunately, Lily had been terribly wrong. Her mother had written to Dumbledore (leaving out, thankfully, why Lily had to speak with someone), and he was so damn understanding, of course. The damn saint. The two of them devised a plan together.
There would be a portkey set up in Hogsmeade for her every Saturday. Her personal portkey…just for her. Lily did not think talking to a therapist was that important.
Lily closed her eyes, resting her head against the window.
"Lily!"
Lily jumped. "Sirius?" she said, surprised. "James?"
She had no idea how this break-up was supposed to work. She wanted to give him space—that's what he needed, right?—and he decided he wanted to see her.
"We've been searching the train for you," said Sirius, sitting down across from her.
"Yeah," said James.
Were they insane? Had they forgotten what happened on Christmas?
"I wasn't sure you wanted…" Lily mumbled awkwardly.
"Umm, how was New Year's?" asked James, changing the subject. "Sister come over?"
Lily put her book down. There was no way she would have a chance to read it with the two boys around.
"It was okay, and no, she didn't," she answered simply.
She hadn't been prepared to deal with James on the train. She did not know what she was supposed to do or say.
Lily laid her head against the window again, hoping sleep would come.
After the night she threw and tore her clothes, she had gone through several more severe mood swings. Each resulted in some destruction of her own property. She was slightly afraid of freaking out during a class. People staring and asking questions would not help her deal with her problems.
"Lily!"
Lily turned to James, startled by his volume. "What?" she asked.
"Sorry, but I called you like six times," he said, laughing softly to hide the fact that he was clearly worried about her.
"Oh, sorry," said Lily. "I'm kind of distracted."
James nodded sympathetically. "Look, I don't want to be weird around you." He looked at Sirius. "He doesn't either."
Lily nodded slowly. "Meaning?"
"Well, it just seems we're kind of…weird," said James.
"We're not," said Lily quickly.
"No?" asked Sirius skeptically.
"Not weird," said Lily, shaking her head. "We're totally fine."
Lily seriously doubted James believed her. She wouldn't have blamed him if he laughed out loud at her pathetic lie, but he didn't.
"Good," said James, putting out his hand for her to shake.
She ignored the sick feeling in her stomach that was telling her to apologize for her mistake and beg him to take her back. She shook his hand, watching his eyes quickly look away from the bracelet he had given her.
Sirius held out his hand as well. "For the sake of…forgetting," he said.
Lily nodded, having no problem with shaking Sirius' hand.
Despite shaking and declaring no awkwardness, Lily could not handle sitting there any longer.
"I'm going to the bathroom," she announced.
Lily left the compartment without waiting for a response. She walked down the hall to the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.
It wasn't that she and James weren't together anymore. Lily had thought that was the problem, at first, but it wasn't. Something had happened, snapped, and all of the progress she had made was ruined. Lily could no longer be calm around the only boy she had grown to trust.
Lily collapsed against the door, overcome by her emotions. She put her head in her hands, trying to hold back tears.
"Trust him," she told herself desperately. She needed to be able to trust James Potter. She had improved so much because of him.
"Trust him," she said again. James would not hurt her. Was this coming from talking to the police? The new nightmares? Maybe. Maybe it was not a good idea to speak in court.
Lily took slow, deep breaths for a few moments. Soon enough, James would come, wondering why she was taking so long, but she couldn't bring herself to leave.
Lily stood up, looking at herself self-consciously in the mirror. She didn't like what she saw. There were dark bags under her eyes from lack of proper sleep. Her hair was a mess. Her eyes were brimming with tears; she let them go. What was the point in caring about how pretty she looked? It seemed to only get her into trouble.
It was probably good that she and James weren't a couple anymore. Sooner or later, he would have seen her for what she really was; maybe he already had.
She would have to leave school again only three weeks from the hour, and she could not believe she told her mother she would be ready so soon. In fact, she wasn't sure she'd be ready by her thirtieth birthday.
Not only was she incredibly unattractive, but apparently, she was also an idiot.
Lily realized she had been in the bathroom long enough to raise suspicion. Even if staying for the rest of the train ride seemed a better idea, she splashed her face with water, trying to make herself look somewhat presentable, and she left the bathroom reluctantly.
When Lily opened the door of the compartment, she saw that everything was exactly the way she had left it. Her book was on her seat, closed, and her bag was left unopened. Hopefully, both had looked that way the entire time.
"Hey," said Lily.
"Hi, Lily," said James. "I have something for you. It's not a big deal, but please don't read it until we're back at school, in separate rooms."
"Okay," said Lily slowly, looking quite curious. She accepted the folded piece of parchment James handed her.
Sirius sniggered, which earned him a hard nudge in the ribs. Lily was very curious.
"Ignore him," said James.
Lily nodded. Neither boy seemed to notice her disheveled appearance, so she thought she might have imagined how bad it really was.
"Can I read?" Lily asked, feeling a little rude.
"Of course," said James.
Lily tried to concentrate on her book, but she could not ignore the feeling that James was watching her, even if it was just a trick of her paranoia.
By the time they arrived at Hogwarts, Lily was glad she had frequently stayed at school for vacations. Two rides a year on the Hogwarts Express was quite enough
James and Sirius had been very respectful, surprisingly, talking quietly for almost the entire ride. Lily did not think it was humanly possible, but they managed it.
"So tired," said Lily, jumping down from the horseless carriage.
"Seriously," said James, taking a moment to stretch out his arms.
"So, Lily," said James, hoping to break the silence.
"Yeah?"
Sirius held the door open for the two of them, and they grabbed their trunks from the entrance hall.
James must have decided he had nothing worthwhile to say because he didn't speak again until they were in the common room.
"I'll um…see you later," said Lily, flying up the stairs.
"No weirdness," said Sirius sarcastically.
"None at all," said James.
"Am I paranoid? Was she not completely upset on the train?" asked James, lingering by the staircase.
"If we wait down here, chances are we will run into Lindsey," said Sirius, ignoring James' question entirely.
"Is that a bad thing?" James asked.
"Upstairs!" said Sirius.
James followed Sirius' order, and the two of them went up the stairs to their dormitory.
James opened the door. "Hey, Remus," he said, successfully getting the boy's attention.
Remus put his book down and sat up. "Hey. How was your Christmas?" he asked, smiling.
James sat down on Peter's bed, which was beside Remus'. Sirius sprawled out on his own. "It was…well, it was actually pretty horrible," James answered honestly.
"Where are Peter and Frank?" asked Sirius.
Remus chuckled. "Well, you know Frank. Alice is his life, always and forever. Peter is hanging out with this Hufflepuff he met the other day."
"Ooooh," said Sirius. "A girl?"
"Yes," said Remus, rolling his eyes. "Now, back to you guys. What made it so bad?"
"Lily," said James.
"They broke up," said Sirius.
Remus' eyes widened. "No way! Already?"
James nodded. "What did you do?"
James glared at him. "Is it so hard to believe," said James, "that maybe I didn't do anything?"
Remus laughed softly. "James, what did you do?" he asked again, trying to sound more sympathetic.
James glared again. "She kissed another guy, Moony."
"Oh," said Remus, caught by surprise. "Wow. I'm so sorry. I—do you know who?" he asked.
"I've seen him, but I don't know him by name," James lied. Sirius looked anywhere but at him.
"I'm sorry," said Remus. "Maybe you should have talked to her, though. Did you see it happen or—"
"You know, I don't really feel like talking about this," said James. "I'm tired."
"I understand," said Remus. "I'll just get back to my reading."
When Lily got to her room, she saw that she was alone with Hope Cameron. "Hi, Lily," said Hope immediately.
Hope was lying on her side, facing the other wall. She always knew who entered by the "sound of the footsteps." It was kind of creepy.
"Hey. How are you?" said Lily.
Hope didn't turn around. "I painted my nails," she said proudly.
"Nice," said Lily, dropping her trunk with a loud thud.
"It is, isn't it?"
Lily took her bag off her shoulder, pulling out the note James had given her to read.
"I don't understand why we all have to eat together," said Lily, sitting down on her bed. "Why do we need to have a feast?"
Hope finally turned around. "We always do this before a new term, Lily," she said.
"Yeah, I know."
Lily opened up the folded parchment and read silently to herself.
December 25th: Every bit of you is pure insanity.
December 26th: You're so damn stubborn.
December 27th: When you walk into the room, I swear that time stops. No matter what, you always keep me smiling.
December 28th: You have the ability to hurt me. You use it.
Lily frowned at this point. She had a good feeling that he was referring to her meaningless kiss with Sirius.
"What are you looking at?" asked Hope curiously, getting to her feet.
"It's nothing," said Lily, stashing the note in her pocket.
Hope raised an eyebrow. "I suppose it's your business." But it was clear she still wanted to know.
"Okay," said Lily. "You know how James said, at the beginning of the year, he would give me three hundred and three reasons for why he was in love with me?" Hope nodded. "Well, we…we didn't speak over break," said Lily. Technically, it was true. "Anyway, he wanted to fill me in on the ones I'd missed."
Hope smiled, which was a rare thing for her. Her blue eyes shined happily. "He's so sweet. He helps me with my homework a lot."
"Yeah," said Lily. "He's like that."
Hope bit her lip. "But why does he need to keep giving you the reasons?" she asked.
"What do you mean?"
Lily thought it was obvious. He had said he would give her the reasons, so he was planning on keeping his promise. Why else?"
"Well, that was started because he knew you didn't believe he loved you the way he does, right?"
"Right," said Lily.
"Now you're together."
"Yes," she said, still not comprehending.
"Well, the point was to convince you of his feelings. You are convinced now, aren't you? He can stop, can't he?"
Leave it to Hope to confuse a person.
"I guess, but still…he said…he would, so…"
"Or maybe," said Hope thoughtfully, "you're not convinced."
"I am," said Lily defensively.
"Maybe he thinks you need to be reminded a lot."
"That's ridiculous," said Lily, crossing her arms."
Hope shrugged. "I'm just guessing here."
"Then, stop," Lily demanded.
She was tired of people trying to figure her out. She was not insecure about the way James felt about her. Well, they weren't together anymore, so she wasn't sure anymore what he was feeling, but before she was dumped, she, of course, had been sure.
Lily sighed. Why had she been afraid to tell him about Avery? She told herself that it was only because she had been afraid that he would try to hurt him in some way, but then why did she tell Sirius first? Surely, he would be the first one to kick anyone's ass without a second thought. James was much calmer than that. She had still told Sirius first.
There was no way she had feelings for Sirius. After she had kissed him (and during the kiss), she felt nothing but pure guilt. No spark, no love, not even a tiny bit of lust. Nothing.
Then what the hell was it?
She knew James would love her no matter what, didn't she? There was no part of her that felt he would lose interest in her if she had already been played with by another boy, was there?
Lily sighed. Maybe that was why she told Sirius. Maybe that was why she needed that kiss. Some part of her felt that if she told James, he would abandon her, that he wouldn't be interested in tainted goods. Perhaps it was that she knew, since Sirius wasn't interested in her in the first place, he was safe to talk to.
Who would have thought that Hope would be right? She was insecure, and in a very bad way.
Lily groaned. "Can we just go to dinner now?"
Hope nodded. "Let's go."
Lily refused to read the rest of her note with Hope beside her, but it was constantly on her mind through dinner. She could barely concentrate on Dumbledore's speech or, for that matter, her food.
James was down at the other end of the table with the other marauders, and Lily guiltily found herself wishing she were down with him. Hope was a very nice person; she really was.
She was just…scary. Lily glanced at her, hoping she wouldn't notice. Her nails were painted, as she had said, blue and orange, and she had two different earrings in, both reaching past her shoulders. She wore more make-up than Lily's mother, sister, and aunt put together, and she had four pairs of the same shirt and two pairs of the same jeans. She somehow knew everything about everyone, and she believed she could see into the future. Lily wasn't sure she believed in that, but she was still a bit afraid of asking her to tell her what her life looked like in years to come, just in case it was bad, and it was true. Lily didn't think she would have been surprised if Hope read, "You future looks hopeless."
Lily wondered, while she was critiquing Hope's personality, what people thought of her. It couldn't be anything good. She figured she'd rather be a crazy fortune-teller than a raped and broken seventeen year old.
Lily blinked when Hope accidentally dropped her steak knife into Lily's lap. She absentmindedly picked it up to hand it back to Hope, but then she focused on it for, she supposed, a second too long. For the first time during the entire dinner, the note, James, and Hope completely flew out of her mind because of the stupid little knife.
She shook her head, handing Hope the knife back. For a moment, she had freaked herself out. She picked up her own knife, and to avoid the suspicious looks Hope was giving her, she decided to finally eat something.
Lily usually rushed out before anyone else, but after dinner had ended, she felt like hanging out for a bit more. She was alone, which was a plus, and even though Hope looked slightly concerned about leaving her, she still let her stay back. Lily just needed a moment, and she wouldn't get that in the common room or her dormitory. She had her book, and that was all she needed.
It wasn't mandatory for her to be in the common room until eleven, and she and James were free of patrolling until term actually began the next evening, so she had nothing keeping her from reading alone at her table.
Nothing at all kept her from doing it except her own stupid thoughts, of course. (Author's Note: Don't you hate that?) Her empty plate had not yet vanished. The House-Elves were obviously confused about the fact that a seventh year that should have wanted to be in her bedroom was sitting alone at a table in the Great Hall.
However, with the serenity of the empty Great Hall, nothing should have distracted her. She glanced again at her plate. The fork and knife were resting easily on top of it. It was a fork and knife, simply silverware, nothing she didn't see every day, but she could not ignore her fascination with it.
Lily tried to see if it passed by. It was probably one of her moods. It was one of her stupid moods that caused her to rip her clothes to pieces. It would pass. It would disappear.
It wouldn't go away.
Lily slammed her book closed, threw it in her bag, and put the bag over her shoulder. She wasn't good with things that were unfamiliar, and that was the problem. She simply needed to go to a familiar atmosphere, and these thoughts would fly away.
Her green eyes found the shiny steak knife again, and she threw it into her bag as well. Maybe it would make her feel safer around guys. She would relax, knowing in the back of her mind that if a man tried to touch her, there was a knife in her bag, considering they usually took her wand from her.
What was wrong with a little self-defense?
Lily walked out of the Great Hall, feeling a lot less confident than she tried to convince herself she was.
When Lily got to her dormitory, Hope was lying on her side again, reading a magazine, and she said nothing when Lily entered. Alice and Amelia were talking quietly on Alice's bed. Lily wasn't sure she wanted to hear about it, considering it was probably about Alice's date. Kalypso, the early-riser of the group, was already in bed. Lily didn't bother to say hello. They were all distracted.
"I'm going to take a shower," said Lily, getting no reply from anyone.
Lily took her bag into the bathroom with her and locked the door behind her. To keep up appearances, she turned the shower on, but she didn't get in. She stood against the door and pulled the list back out of her pocket. Finding the one she had left off at, she continued reading in a whisper.
"December 29th: You've made me realize that there were so many more important things out there than what I had been previously focusing on."
Well, even if the others seemed a bit far-fetched, that one was probably true.
"December 30th: My parents respect me more because of you. (Yes, that will probably require some sort of an explanation.)"
Lily laughed, wondering what the hell that could mean.
"December 31st: This was sort of inspired by the spirit of New Year's Eve. I have reason to look forward to the start of the New Year. I have a reason to be excited."
Okay, they were broken up, right?
"January 1st: You sucked me into the world of reading. I'll admit it…I like it."
Lily laughed again.
"January 2nd (The day you'll probably receive this): You have always pointed me in the right direction. You always know what to do, and it inspires me. "
Lily found herself crying again. No, she didn't know what to do. Is that the way it looked to other people? She had no idea what to do. What direction had she pointed him in? It probably wasn't the right one.
Lily put her head in her hands, sobbing loudly, but not caring about possibly being heard. The shower most likely blocked out the sound of it anyway.
"I don't know what to do," said Lily.
It was the first time she had ever voiced it aloud, and James' list had brought her painfully down to earth with the realization that she had falsely led him. He didn't know who she truly was, how broken she really was. He wouldn't love her if he knew. Hell, one of her reasons was something completely untrue, so how could he?
Lily furiously threw the letter across the room, but it essentially did nothing. It was only a measly piece of parchment, after all.
She didn't know what to do. That stupid and painful thought was stuck in her head now.
Feeling incredibly disgusted with herself, Lily took out the knife from her bag. She quickly realized why the back of her mind had begged her to take it, and she felt even worse. She was not cowardly enough to drag a knife across her skin. Lily was many things, but she was not weak.
She took a deep breath, and she slowly placed the knife down beside her. She would not be one of those people. She was stronger than that, better than that. She was not a cutter.
But everything hurt. Everything hurt so badly, and she wasn't sure she was as strong as she was trying to make herself believe.
Would it really help? She had heard so many stories about it, but it didn't make any sense. She supposed that the only way to make herself understand would be if she did it.
But she wasn't going to. She didn't need to, so she wasn't going to. It could only complicate things for her.
Lily picked up the knife again, playing with it in her hands. Of course, just testing it out couldn't hurt. Well, it could, technically, but it wouldn't help her; she knew it wouldn't. Therefore, after doing it once and showing herself that it was clearly a bad idea, she would be able to prevent the desire from ever coming back.
One time, one cut…it was just as harmless as an accidental paper cut.
And she wouldn't like it at all. She knew it was stupid, and she knew she wouldn't like it. She didn't need to do it. It would just appease the stupid part of her brain.
Just one cut.
One mark.
One little line.
Then, it would be over.
Lily, feeling disgusting and weak and a little afraid of herself, picked up the dirty knife. She stood up, and she cleaned it off. If she were going to be doing this…as an experiment to prove how good it wouldn't feel, her knife would have to be clean.
Then, she placed the knife slightly above her bellybutton, somewhere that no one would ever see, and she pushed just the point of it down slightly, shaking the entire time, and dragged it to make a small line.
"Ow," she said, taking a short breath.
Lily was still crying, and looking at the blood made the tears come stronger and faster. What had she done to herself? She had never considered herself to be this kind of a person.
And she wasn't. She hated cutting.
However, that voice that told her it was wrong was slowly fading until it was so quiet she could barely hear it anymore. She had to do it just once more.
A line almost identical to the first was formed above it, and then Lily threw the knife into the sink. She grabbed the first small towel she could reach and pressed it to her stomach, putting as much pressure on it as possible. She was furious with herself. She had let it happen twice. Two times.
After she had gotten the bleeding to stop, she thought about healing it. It wouldn't be difficult; she knew some good spells. For some reason, though, she didn't want to. It sounded awful, but with the low self-esteem she had been dealing with, she couldn't help but feel that, with the cuts, she was prettier than she had ever been.
After the cutting incident, Lily decided that she would take a shower while she was in there. It was the excuse she'd gone in with, so it made sense.
Lily was surprised to find that she had been crying and showering and cutting…only twice in the bathroom for longer than an hour.
She allowed a small smile to come to her face when she saw that all her roommates were asleep. Even Hope, who usually stayed up until midnight or later, was sleeping. Obviously, the extensive amount of food at the feast had worn them out.
Lily got into bed as well. Sleep was probably a good idea for her. She ran her fingers along the lines on her stomach, and she imagined what her mother would say. Thinking of her mother, however, didn't bring the guilt Lily had thought it would have. It only made her think about her father.
Lily sat up suddenly in bed. After the decision of court had been made, Lily had constantly felt that he was watching her. She knew it was irrational. Her father could not get into Hogwarts, and even if he could, he never would.
Still, Lily had felt much safer at home with her mother to run to. She didn't exactly run to her. She kind of slept in her own doorway, too embarrassed to sleep in her mother's, and it was close enough to her mother's bedroom that she felt protected. She knew that, in a heartbeat, her mother would protect her if he ever came into their house again.
But he never did, and he never would, especially not at Hogwarts. Her father was much too afraid to do bother her with the trial approaching, which meant that Lily probably should have felt even safer, but she didn't.
Now, she didn't even have her mother. It was dark. It was so dark in her room that she wouldn't be able to see him. Lily's breaths were coming out short and fast, and her chest was hurting. She couldn't wake one of the girls; they wouldn't understand.
Lily was trying to be as quiet as she could, but she swore she felt a presence in the room.
'No,' she told herself. 'You are being silly. There is no one in the room that shouldn't be.'
There were tears in her eyes now. She was so bloody scared.
Even though it made no logical sense, Lily jumped out of bed, grabbed a sweatshirt to put over her pajamas, and she walked out of her dormitory, closing the door quietly behind her.
From prior visits, Lily knew where James' dormitory was. She took a deep breath and knocked softly. As she had hoped, she got no response, which meant they were either dead, sneaking out somewhere, or sleeping. Lily hoped for the third one.
The door was not locked, so she didn't even have to use her wand. Apparently, the boys didn't care about anyone breaking in or maybe they realized, unlike Lily, that no one horrible was going to, especially not without the Gryffindor password.
They were sleeping. It really wasn't surprising that after a long break, an exhausting train ride, and a fulfilling feast, that everyone except for Lily would be comfortably snoozing.
Lily closed the door and tiptoed to James' bed. She wondered what the best way to go about was. She didn't want to frighten him or accidentally wake the others, but she did need to wake him.
Lily kneeled down beside his bed and tapped him lightly. "James," she whispered, close to his ear, so as not to disturb the others. The weird feeling of being so close to him was overpowered by the fear of being alone.
"James?"
She couldn't be afraid of James anymore. After all, there were three other boys in his room. It was ridiculous to worry that he might hurt her.
Without understanding why, Lily felt herself starting to cry again. She cursed and tried her best to hide it. She could not wake the others. It would be too humiliating.
"James," she said again, swallowing the lump in her throat that was begging to let her sob uncontrollably for at least a day.
James might have heard her; Lily wasn't sure. His breathing changed a bit, and Lily thought he might have woken up and was trying to fall back to sleep right away.
"James," she said again, sure he would respond.
James opened his eyes, confused. Partly because of the lack of light and partly because his glasses weren't on, he struggled to see the figure next to him.
"James," said Lily tearfully, still trying to be quiet.
"Lily?" said James, sitting up. He grabbed his glasses off the nightstand, put them on his face, and reached out to touch her shoulder. "Lily, what's wrong? Is everything okay?" he asked worriedly.
Lily shivered slightly from the cold. "Yeah," she whispered. "I'm fine."
"Lily," he said, rubbing his eyes. "Let's try that again. What's wrong?"
Lily was going to lie again. She was going to say that nothing was wrong, that maybe she had just wanted to say hi, but she really didn't see the point. She was so close to crying, so scared, and in so much pain. She needed him, and she didn't care if he knew.
"It's so stupid," she said.
In her voice, James was able to tell that she was crying.
"Lily…tell me what's wrong."
"I'm so… It doesn't even make any sense. Nothing can happen to me here, right?"
"I—"
"I know. It's just. I just can't see it that way. It's all irrational. I'm so afraid."
"Lily—"
He was interrupted again. "And I have no right to bother you. I am, after all, the cause of all your problems."
"Lily—"
"I shouldn't be here," said Lily, but she didn't move from her spot. "I shouldn't be here. You're trying to sleep. I shouldn't be here." Lily was letting her sobs free. It seemed the other boys could sleep through anything. "All I do is screw things up. I shouldn't be here."
"Lily!" said James loudly. He turned on the lamp by his bed. He looked at each of his friends. Only Sirius seemed to have noticed. He slapped his hand over his eyes, let it fall, and went right back to snoring.
Lily's eyes were red. She had definitely been crying for a while. She looked exhausted. Her arms were wrapped around her middle protectively, and she kept repeating the same phrase over and over again.
"Come here," said James, moving over to give her space.
Lily shook her head quickly. "I won't do anything," James promised. "I wouldn't do that."
Again, Lily's fear of one thing took over the other. She reluctantly climbed under the covers of James' bed, feeling instantly warmer.
James turned the light off again. "Tell me what happened," he said, running his fingers through her hair.
"I'm going to court, James. For…for my dad."
"Good," said James, clearly missing the point.
"I'm scared," said Lily. "I feel like…he's watching me all the time. I feel like he's going to come…and…and."
"Shh," said James, letting his hand fall from her hair to her back. Lily put her head against his chest.
"I'm a terrible person," said Lily.
"Of course you're not. Not even close."
"You," said Lily, "make me out to be this…this goddess type thing, and I can't—I can't match that, James. And, I've done things that hurt you, and that hurt us. I—"
"Don't think about it," said James. "Don't talk about that."
"But—"
"Just relax," said James. "Think about nothing except relaxing."
Lily was shaking against him, struggling to relax her body before she began to work on her mind.
"No one is going to hurt you, Lily," said James, rubbing her back, attempting to make her tremors stop.
Lily felt it unnecessary to mutter something like "Except me." "I know," she said. "I do know that, but I still…"
"I know," said James. "Just try to sleep."
"James, don't hate me."
"I don't," said James. "Not at all."
"I mean, when you find out," she said, "that I'm not the girl you think I am, don't hate me."
James would have argued that she was everything he thought she was, and that she was just being ridiculous because of their break up and the court situation, but he decided not to bother. There would be time for that some other day.
"I could never hate you, Lily," he said instead.
" Can you promise me that?" asked Lily. She had decided to accept the insecurity she obviously had rather than avoid it like she had a tendency to do with everything else in her life.
"I do," said James.
"Thank you," said Lily, relaxing into his arms.
For the first night in what could have been a year, Lily slept peacefully.
Author's Note: Please review. This was, I think, the longest chapter I've ever written. So, tell me what you think, and I just wanted to let you know (because one person in particular is concerned about it) that the whole death in Hogwarts situation has not disappeared. That will be coming back.
