A/N: Thank you all for sticking around so long with this story, I know that it's been a whirlwind of excitement, heartache, and well discovery for me as an author. I really appreciate all of your feedback and it just inspires me to keep this fic going. Trust me, it could have been done a while ago if it weren't for your guys' encouragement. So without further adieu, please enjoy the next chapter. –R.
April
I felt like I was floating, like my body was weightless and nothing could bring me down. I just keep sinking, further and further into myself until suddenly there was nothing left. At first everything was black, blacker than anything I had ever seen before. I was scared, I was anticipating Hell at the bottom of this free fall, well because I'm a Christian and I think I just killed myself. So, I was scared to open my eyes, fearing that all that would surround me would be lakes of fire and hollowing screams of damned souls. But when I do, I see the most beautiful place I've ever laid eyes upon. If spring was an image, that would be where I am. I'm lying on my back and I can feel the cool grass gently caressing my pale skin. The air smells of lilies and there are birds chirping in the background. The pale blue sky is cloudless and the sun is shining brightly above me. I stayed there for a few seconds, taking in my surroundings; never had I ever felt more at peace in my life. Not in Jordan, not with Jackson lying next to me, not even in Church when I still believed in God, truly believed in him.
"Where am I?" I asked myself, still a bit confused at where I was. I knew I was dead, had a pretty good feeling that if I were alive, I'd be in my bathroom with a worried sick Jackson hovering over me, yelling at how afraid he was of losing me. But would he really be afraid of losing me or the memory of me? I haven't been "me" in years, not the woman he fell in love with because she drunkenly kissed him at the boards and then gave him her virginity. That woman had power; she was a force to be reckoned with. But the woman, the one who drew herself a bath this morning, put on some somber music, lit a few candles, and went into the scorching hot bath water with no intentions of ever coming out is not the woman he fell in love with. She was a coward, she was irresponsible, she was angry. He didn't love her, how could he love her?
"Mommy, come play," a little voice encouraged me.
"Where am I?" I repeated.
"Mommy," the little boy ran up to me and nudged on my skirt. I looked down at him and I saw Samuel, in all of his glory, running around without a care in the world. Here, he wasn't in pain, unlike how he was in my stomach. He was running around, laughing, jumping, and being as free as a bird and just the look of it made me collapse to my knees and cry. My precious boy, alive and well. I had dreamed of this moment so many times. Imagined him playing with his younger sister and brother. I wondered how he would be, what books would spark his interest, would he be a mama's boy or a daddy's boy. What color bike would he have insisted we bought him? Would he be more into art or science? All these questions, I couldn't answer from a few, or lack there of, kicks in my stomach. I knew he was my calm twin, the one who would mellow out Delilah's extorvertedness and slight diva attitude. He was my little Buddha. But there were so many things I would never know about him. What would his favorite band have been? TV show? Move? What girl would he bring to the senior prom? What type of friends would he have had? I couldn't contain myself, thinking about everything that could have been, and then the waterworks started coming.
"Mommy, why are you crying?"
"Oh, honey, it's just that I'm so proud of you," I smiled through my tears, "And mommy is so happy to see you. I never thought I would," I whispered under my breath. At this point I'm crouching down on the ground looking up at my son, who places his hands on my shoulders and hugs me, before taking his thumb and wisely brushing my tear from my cheek. I always knew he was my sensitive twin.
"I'm proud of you too mommy," he replied with a smile on his face, "Come on, let's go I have to show you something." He took my hand and practically ran to the ravine. I had no idea where she was, but she assumed it was heaven. She hadn't meant to kill herself, no she didn't want to die like this; she just went under water a bit too long. It was just a bit too long. She just wanted the pain to stop; dying wasn't really what she was going after. But being here, in the tranquil place with her son, she didn't really know if she regretted what she had done.
There was fresh green grass as far as the eye could see, and not a tree in sight. It was a meadow with lilies all over and some sunflowers. The sun shone bright in the pale blue sky and birds flew overhead. It was tranquil, but before I could look into it further, breathe in the fresh air or the scent of the lilies, put my nose up to one of them and just breathe for the first time in what feels like forever, Samuel guided me to a river.
"Look," he exclaimed, "Look what's in there."
I screamed in terror as I saw my other son, the one who hadn't been born yet floating in the river, I scrambled to get his body out of the flowing water, but my hands couldn't get in the water.
"It's no use," Samuel sighed.
"Stop it," I screeched, "I have to get him out. Help me."
"The only way to get him out, is for you to go in. There's still time, if you hurry," he explained.
"But if I go in, that means I have to leave you."
"It's okay mommy, he needs you more. I'm okay here."
"No you're not, I'm not with you."
"Please, mommy. Go. You've done everything you could have done for me. I'm happy here, but I don't want you here not yet. Daddy, Delilah, and my little brother need you more, it's okay I'll wait a bit longer for all of you. One day we'll all be here as a family, when the time is right."
I grabbed him in my arms and held him tightly to my chest, "I love you, my sweet baby boy. I love you so much," I sobbed, then he pushed me into the water and I finally opened my eyes to see a panicked Jackson kneeling over me with his hands placed firmly on my chest. Our eyes met and I could see the pain in his eyes, the worry, the fear, but before I could say anything or hear him say something, the world went black again. Maybe I had run out of time.
Jackson's breath caught in his throat as he ripped April out of the tub. He had never felt panic, not like this. The blood ran from his face when he opened the door to see April's unconscious body underneath the tub. She looked so limp, so lifeless.
"April," he yelled patting her face repeatedly to try and wake her up, "Please wake up. Come on, you can do it." He scrambled for his cell phone, which he luckily had in his back pocket and called 9-1-1.
"9-1-1 what is your emergency?"
"Hello, yes?" His voice was panicked and beads of sweat were forming along his hairline, "My wife, I found her in the tub under the water, she's unconscious."
"We'll send someone straight away, sir how long was your wife under the water?"
"I don't know, I haven't been home for hours," he said, "There's barely a pulse."
"Sir, do you know how to do CPR?" The operator asked.
"Yes, I'm a doctor," he replied, "Oh my God, what about the baby?"
"Your wife is pregnant?"
"Yes."
"Keep her pulse up as much as you can," she paused.
"Jackson, my name's Jackson."
"Okay, Jackson, stay calm," she said, "Breathe in and out, help is on the way."
The five minutes that it took for the ambulance to arrive at their house were the longest and most excruciating of his life. He felt more hopeless than he had ever felt before. Here was his wife lying on the cold bathroom tile, naked, exposed, her petruding abdomen was the only thing he could focus on. He didn't know if he should be angry or scared. Maybe it was an accident? Maybe she slipped and fell? But there was a little voice inside of his head that told him this was no accident; his wife had purposely gone under that water, purposely tried to kill herself and their son. April wouldn't do that, would she?
"Come on, April, stay with me," he said in-between compressions, "You can do this. We need you," he cried again.
"Sir," he heard a paramedic call from downstairs.
"Up here in the bathroom," he yelled back.
Within seconds April was placed on a gurney and taken out of their house in an ambulance, which Jackson sat in the back of holding her hand on the grueling ride to the hospital.
"Okay, what do we have?" Owen asked as he opened up the back door to the rig. He did a pretty dominant double take when he saw Jackson, with worry written all over his face, and April lying unconscious on the gurney.
"She tried to drown herself," he muttered.
"Jackson," Owen said sympathetically before he went into 'go mode', "Let's move," he ordered as he and the other doctors took April's gurney into the emergency room leaving Jackson standing there alone outside the doors of the E.R. with only himself to hold himself together. Never in his life had he felt more alone, and more like the world was going to come crashing down on him any second.
"Hunt, what do we have?" Arizona asked as she walked into the trauma room, not expecting her best friend to be lying on the gurney, unconscious, "Oh my God, April," she gasped.
"Robbins, can you handle this?" Owen asked.
She breathed in deeply, "Yeah, I can handle this."
"We need you to check and see how the baby is doing, can you do that?"
"I'll need an ultrasound, stat," she commanded and within seconds the nurses were on the phone getting her that ultra sound.
It felt like hours since April had first arrived at the E.R., but only minutes had really gone by, fifteen to be exact. Fifteen minutes of not knowing if his wife was going to live or die and it made Jackson feel like he had to vomit. He was wracked to his core with guilt and anger and all he wanted to do was scream. Scream at the fact that he was given a shitty hand in life once again, scream at the fact that his wife was in there dying or dead for all he knew, scream for the life of his unborn son, the second one that may die. Of all the things he had ever done in his life, Jackson Avery was sure he did not deserve the fate of two dead sons and a dead wife.
"Avery," Mark said to him, "Avery what's going on?" Mark asked him with concern in his voice and sympathy in his eyes. Although Avery had messed up this morning, Mark cared about his plastics prodigy as if he were his own younger brother.
"April," he whispered under his breath, "She drowned herself in the bathtub."
"Oh man," Mark said as he rubbed the back of his head, not knowing what to say next, "Are you sure it wasn't an accident? Maybe she slipped?"
"She didn't slip," he tensed up his hands a bit as his fingernails dug harder into his skin, "She wanted to disappear."
"Are you okay?" Mark asked, as he sat down next to Jackson.
Jackson was speechless; this was the first time in years that someone had asked him that question. Was he okay? Everyone was concerned with how April took Samuel's death, how she needed to heal, how she was after her injuries from Jordan. Everything was according to her and her rules, not that he had complained too much. He knew that she needed to find herself and he had to trust that she'd come back to him; he wouldn't have remarried her if he didn't believe that was true. But, no one had ever asked him the simple question, if he was okay? Was everything all right? Would he get through this? Everyone seemed to have overlooked him these past few years because April was the one who wore her trauma on her sleeve, while he kept it hidden and close to his chest. But he was breaking, maybe a bit more than her?
"No," he croaked out as he stared at his mentor with tears in his eyes, "No, I'm not okay."
"You've gotten through everything this far, Avery, you'll get through this," Mark comforted him.
"Will I ever get a break?"
"I can't tell you that," Mark admitted, "But life doesn't through you these types of curveballs if it doesn't believe you're strong enough to catch them."
"I just want to quit the game," he sighed, "I mean, how did I end up here? A few years ago I was in Tulane, I was ready to wash my hands clean of Seattle and then April just pulled me back in. She was pregnant, we got married, then our son died, and everything I had ever known or planned was thrown out the window. Now, five years have gone by and where am I? With a wife who still feels just as broken as ever, who attempted suicide and put the life of our unborn child at risk. Sometimes I wish I could go back, never sleep with her at the boards, then none of this would have happened."
"Jackson," Mark said firmly.
"What?" He asked annoyed.
"Because of April you've gotten to feel love, real love. Love that makes you want to pull your hair out, most people kill for that kind of love. And you've gotten to experience being a father, if you never slept with April you wouldn't have Delilah. Sure, you wouldn't have had to experience all the pain of losing Samuel, but God blessed your life with that little girl. Avery, she is your entire world, you know and she knows it. The way I look at it, time didn't start for you until you were alone with her and started to raise her on your own. April leaving blessed you with the relationship you have with your daughter. April needed Jordan to save her, but you needed Delilah."
Jackson smiled thinking about his little girl, "She really is something, isn't she?"
"Jackson?" Arizona asked, interrupting their conversation.
He immediately stood up, "Arizona, what is it? Is April okay? Is the baby okay?"
"The baby is fine, luckily April had just passed out when you found her, so there wasn't loss of oxygen to his brain. He's a healthy boy."
Jackson collapsed to his knees, "Thank you," he cried, "Thank you, thank you, thank you." He spent a few seconds on the ground, thinking about how grateful he was that his son was okay and that April hadn't hurt him, knowing full well that if she woke up and their son was dead that she would be too, "And April?"
"Jackson, I'm so sorry," Arizona said, and his face went white.
A/N: Guys it's been so hard for me to write. This story has taken so many turns that I don't know where I'm going with it at times. But I think next chapter may be the last. Who knows? Please leave a review. Dive Chapter 5 comes out tomorrow, and HAPPY 4th EVERYONE!
