This…got….very cracky. It kind of reminds me of my 'SUGARRRRR' oneshot (which people seem to like for some reason) except different. It's also partially inspired by 'Things Envy Is Not Allowed To Do In The Military' by Sin of Tragedy. (Hasn't been updated in years but still a fun read.)

29. Nuisance

Sometimes, Ed regretted persuading the homunculus to change sides.

It hadn't been easy, no. It had taken a lot of wheedling, a lot of manoeuvring, and a lot of blowjobs. Not to mention that he wasn't completely sure if Envy had changed sides.

It was nice having his boyfriend around more often (embarrassing questions from Al, the Colonel and others aside) and for the most part, it was a happy state of affairs. But Envy wasn't a fighter or a thinker, he was a trickster, and while the lessons on basic morals had gotten through, the ones on propriety, appropriateness and respect…not so much.

Ed rubbed the bridge of his nose, not trusting himself to look up. "Envy," he said in as placating a tone as possible, "remember what I said about work hours?"

"You do realize how hypocritical it is for you to be giving me this 'talk', right?" Envy propped his feet up on a desk, inspecting his nails. They were pink today, courtesy of Catalina.

Ed tried not to grind his teeth too much. "There's a difference in level here."

"Ya mean rank? I thought you said you'd never pull that on me!" Envy pulled a heartbroken face, although Ed knew from experience that it was fake.

"No. Not rank. Level. As in, the level of destruction caused."

Envy cocked his head, thinking for a moment. "Yeah, I don't get it."

"I kick down a door or two to illustrate a point. It's perfectly reasonable –" Ed talked over Envy's sniggering, "while you have…" Envy continued sniggering. "Shut up!"

Envy refused, shaking his head. "It's not you," he managed to get out, and then widened his eyes before making his escape out of the window.

"Hey! Get back here, you –" Ed turned, and then realized who Envy had been running from.

Colonel Mustang stood in front of him, uniform torn, tattered and scorched. A significant amount of his hair was missing. "When I get my hands on that nuisance…"

"Did he do that?"

"What?" Mustang looked down at himself. "No, this was when I tried to get rid of his, uh, decorations myself."

Ed shrugged – despite his anger, he'd always take Envy's side to Mustang's face. "Hey, you never said you wouldn't love, uh, what does it say?" He checked the list again. "Obscene pictures all over your office. I thought that was right up your alley."

Mustang shuddered. "Not when they're of…never mind."

In the corridor behind him, Black Hayate padded past, leaving green footprints on the carpet.