A/N: Happy Christmas! My gift to you is another chapter. This month has been even more chaotic than I had anticipated, but I still managed to write a little. Reviews would make lovely Christmas presents… (hint hint)
Chapter 29
Distracted
SUNDAY, AUGUST 14, 2016 | 4:45 PM | FOUR
I pull my membership card from my wallet before entering the gym, hoping to get through the lobby unseen. When I see Lauren working the front desk, I know I'll be unsuccessful. I head straight for the scanner anyway silently praying that she will sense my mood and leave me alone. But I knew it was too much to ask.
"Hi, Four!" she chirps.
I plaster on a fake smile. "Hi, Lauren." The screen flashes green and I quickly slide the card back into my wallet.
Lauren catches me before I manage to take a single step toward the locker room. "What are you up to this weekend?" she asks, a bright smile on her face.
"Just…" I wave vaguely toward the weight room. "This. Studying." I sigh. "New roommates."
"Oh, that's nice. I can get you a couple extra guest passes if you want to bring them in sometime."
"That won't be necessary," I say, shaking my head. If they want to try the gym, Zeke can bring them. But if they join this gym I may need to find a new one. I'll need somewhere to get away from seeing my Beatrice with another guy.
"What are you doing tonight?" Lauren asks. "A friend of mine is having this party up in St. John's. You should come."
"I need to study for finals. Maybe some other time."
"Oh come on, you still have tomorrow to study. A party would be good stress relief."
I cringe remembering that the last time someone talked me into their version of "stress relief" ― just last night ― Shauna found the evidence in my couch. Which isn't just my couch any more. I don't know why I let Zeke talk me into that. It really didn't help anything.
"I really can't put it off any more. Thanks anyway."
"But―"
"Bye, Lauren." She pouts as I walk away without sparing a glance back at her.
I stow my gym bag in my locker and stoop to tie my shoelace. Zeke and Shauna left the apartment just before I did, to meet up with Uriah and Beatrice for dinner. Zeke looked torn, hesitating like he felt like he should say something and I suspect he felt as though he should be inviting me to come with them. Shauna seemed to know better and was looking at him warily. I solved the awkward situation in telling them to have fun, that I needed to go to the gym. And it wasn't a lie.
My stomach was churning the more time went on without word from Uriah. It had been over an hour since Beatrice ran off before Zeke heard from his brother, just a simple message that he was with Tris and she was fine. They must not have been in any hurry to come back to the apartment, though, because more than an hour passed before Zeke and Shauna announced their plans for the evening. And that whole time, my mind was racing and swirling with fragments of thoughts that I couldn't even fully identify, other than an awareness that all of them centered around the same person.
I shake my head. I'm caught in the same loop again, this is exactly why I came here. Nothing clears my head like a nice long session with a punching bag.
I find an unoccupied bag and wrap my hands with tape. When I saw her out there in her leather jacket and blue-streaked hair, standing next to a motorcycle, never in a million years would I have guessed that the woman I was checking out could be Beatrice Prior. If I hadn't seen her face with my own eyes I never would have believed it. Even then I'm not sure I would have, had it not clear by her reaction that she knew me. But I was hit with a longing for her anyway.
Every attempt I made at contact in those months after I ran away, every rejection, was a punch in the gut stronger than any I endured in the arena. I had finally learned not to think of her so often. I've never met another girl like my Beatrice. Sure, I have made plenty of attempts to forget her completely, but I've always missed her. But that girl… that girl that was standing by the motorcycle. I don't know who that is. Zeke has told so many stories about his little brother Uriah and his girlfriend Tris. Stories that make me cringe at their recklessness, make me wonder how this girl's parents put up with her antics, stories that have made me wary of agreeing to have them as roommates. Beatrice was so smart, a good girl, always trying to please her parents and everyone else, putting others before herself. She wasn't a risk taker. How can someone change so much in such a short time?
This Tris, though. She's flighty and rebellious and reckless. She has finished high school but instead of continuing on to college, like I always knew Beatrice would, she's moved far away from home with ― with some guy! My Beatrice wouldn't have left her family like that. If I thought there was any possibility she would maybe I would have asked her to come with me. Who the hell is she and what did she do with my Beatrice?
How can a person change so much in such a short time?
It has to be Uriah's fault. I growl at the thought and the punching back swings back with so much momentum from my hit that I barely dodge out of its way before I stand back for a minute and catch my breath.
Beatrice was perfect just as she was and somehow, he's changed her.
I hate him for it. Hate him for the fact that I don't even know her any more. Hate him just for being with her while she still holds my heart. But she doesn't, does she? Because this isn't Beatrice.
I want to hate him.
I can't hate him.
Because I was the one who hurt her, not him. I could see how angry he was when he put the pieces together, and all he wanted was to protect her.
I was supposed to be the one to love her and protect her, and I've never stopped wishing I could have been. I never wanted to leave her. But I had to, because of Marcus. I got away from him, but he's still managing to hurt me even now.
And how long before more details of my past come out? So much for the anonymity I so carefully protected ever since I left Chicago, never opening up to even my best friend, always hiding my night terrors, always remaining even more self-possessed and carefully detached than I was even through my teenage years. My punches fly harder and faster. Beatrice's arrival here has stolen that from me. And with her and Uriah living with me, I'll have no escape. She knows too much about me. But she doesn't know what Marcus did to me and I don't care if I should tell her, that is one secret I will keep.
Panting, I step back from the bag and gulp down a full bottle of water in one go. I've hardly been at this twenty minutes rather than my usual hour or more but I am exhausted. The t-shirt I always wear to cover my scarred back is sticks to my skin. I know I'm done for the day, far too early, and instead of clearing my head all I've done is think about Beatrice.
Frustrated, I grab my stuff and head back to the locker room.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 14, 2016 | 8:50 PM | FOUR
As soon as I got home with my Chinese takeout, I immediately closed myself off in my room. I spent the next three hours studying, though I could hardly tell you what subjects I was working on. I was too busy dreading Beatrice's return. Because I knew that when she got home, I might have to face her and I am just not ready for that right now. I felt mixed up enough as it was and I just needed to study for my upcoming final exams.
As it got later, I was anxious for her to get back. I mean, how long does dinner take? It had been several hours, what were they even doing? Maybe they went over to see Zeke and Shauna's place. But that seems odd when they haven't even stepped foot inside their own apartment yet.
I couldn't seem to make up my mind, whether I dreaded or anticipated their arrival.
Now, after three hours of waiting, I finally hear the front door open. I freeze in my desk chair, mid-spin, and though I have to remind myself to breathe, and I feel my stomach churn (dread, I decide, not anticipation), I can clearly hear their voices and footsteps as they look around the apartment.
I hear Beatrice comment on the wood floors, then her laughter at Uriah's joke about the cartoon of a surfing hedgehog that Zeke drew, rather terribly, on the whiteboard. The sound of them moving around the kitchen. A can being opened- beer or soda, I'm not sure which. About five minutes pass before they even go to check out their new bedroom. One of them must jump onto the mattress because I hear it squeak. I groan out loud and scrub my hands over my face, remembering the thin walls being the reason for Zeke and Shauna usually staying over at her place. As if this situation wasn't awkward enough.
I turn back to my engineering textbook. Electrical Circuit Analysis is the last course I need to complete for admittance to the upper division Electrical & Computer Engineering program. I wouldn't call this course easy, but I have done well on my tests and assignments so far. It's a good thing, because my concentration has been somewhat lacking all evening.
Giggles and playful teasing filter in as I study. Despite her initial reaction to seeing me, it seems "Tris" is now unphased by having seen me. I feel stupid for sitting here brooding over her all night. Not that I can help it. When I hear them have a sickeningly flirty argument about which of them is "Schmoopy", I finally get up to look for ear plugs. I bought a few pairs very soon after moving in here ― for all his goofiness, the ladies love Zeke, so he brought his fair share of girls home before he started dating Shauna ― but I haven't needed to use them in a while and now I can't remember where I put them.
I finally locate them back in the top drawer of my desk. I pause with them in my hand when I hear the tone of Uriah's voice change from jovial and teasing to soft and gentle.
"You okay, Tris?" Uriah asks. After a pause, "I can see it in your eyes. Something's bothering you."
I shake my head thinking of all the times I pried retellings of Andrew's worse moments out of her. I would be tempted to keep listening for another few minutes if I didn't remember the considerable patience it always took for her to come out with it.
I've got an earplug in one ear when I hear her answer. Only about thirty seconds have passed. Uriah's voice echoes in my mind: We don't keep secrets from each other.
With one ear plugged, I have to strain to hear her answer. "I'm sorry," she says. "I ― when I saw Tobias, the way I ― it couldn't have been easy for you."
"It's ― it's how I would expect you to react, I guess. Not that I ever expected to run into him. Wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it's okay, Tris. You know you don't have to hide from me. I love you, Tris."
"I know." I can barely make her words out, but I can picture her biting her lip. "I love you, too."
A heaviness buzzes in my chest. I quickly put the earplug in my other ear, cursing myself for not doing so sooner, and their quiet conversation is drowned out completely.
