Title: Revenge is best served Blue
Chapter 29 – Trying to Rebuild


"Maria…"

Oh what the hell did I do…Danny's mind raced around in a panicked circle as he and Dr. Day remained in a locked showdown of surprise and uncertainty.

Silence seemed to thicken as time started to slow; each of them contemplating the emotional gravity of that one simple word.

"I shouldn't have said that," Danny was first to break the silence. "We had been talking about the future and she mentioned a bar on a beach and it sounded so great after all the crap that was just….it was wrong…wrong…" Danny muttered as he pushed himself up, rubbed his face and slowly walked toward the window and stared absently at the setting sun. "Say it…already," he let out a weary sigh as he turned back to face his friend and physiatrist.

"Say what? What you said was wrong? The name of your partner, whom you trust, care about and who, I might add just risked her life to save yours? And after you told me about what you two discussed, your future after what was naturally a harrowing experience it seems natural. Plus she has been helping you with a lot since Linda's passing."

"But it should have been Linda's name! Or the boys…" Danny insisted with a strained tone. "It's only been a few months and…and damn I haven't even….it should have been Linda."

"If you're waiting for me to agree with you, you know I won't."

"Then tell me I was wrong!"

"Can't…do that either," Dr. Day says slowly as Danny slumps back into his chair. "What good would it do you, for me to tell you what you feel inside is wrong."

"Look, it's not that…"

"Why are you justifying yourself to me? You're the one who sets your future path, walks down that path and lives with the consequences of what you do along that path. We all do that."

"I know but…"

"Danny, it was a happy scene…maybe it's one that will be in your future or not. But when you thought of the word happy that's what came to your mind. You and Maria shared that moment together, when you talked about your futures. It's not like it was something devious. Who you choose to share your future with…is your business."

"Yeah…" he signed as he rested his elbows on his knees and then looked down at his fingers as they fidgeted a few moments before he looked up with a heavy frown. "Most times…when I think about the future I get…angry or upset or sad. It was just a nice thought to be on the beach with someone…I care about…as a friend," he added slowly as Dr. Day's lips twisted upward into a half smile. "What?"

"Hang on to those happy thoughts. You have a few more tough milestones ahead."

"Yeah and I'll be sitting at my wife's funeral thinking about being at a bar with my partner," Danny shot back in sarcasm as Dr. Day's brow furrowed.

"You want me to justify something either way, and you know I won't."

"I know…I just…it surprised me is all."

"Well…it did me too…at first," Dr. Day admitted. "Until you told me about that conversation you had. Then it made sense. After all the ugliness you faced in the past few months surrounding Linda's death, having something happy to think about and hold on to was fresh in your mind. Take that how you like."

"So…not wrong?"

Dr. Day merely returned a cryptic smile which made Danny just shake his head and stand up. "Go home and be with your boys. They need you and you need them. Much to discuss and plan."

"But…"

"It's been a long day for you Danny and you need rest and your boys and they need you," Dr. Day repeated with a kind smile. "Plan the funeral, attend the funeral, look for a new home and solve cases with your partner. The rest…you'll figure it out."

"Right," Danny exhaled heavily as he slowly pushed himself upright and then headed for the door to leave. "It's just that…when I see myself on the beach I feel happy…and I feel guilty about that."

"There's nothing wrong with happy thoughts. They are what make us get through the darkness. Goodnight Danny."

"Night Doc."

Dr. Day leaned back in his chair and offered Danny's tense frame a small smile as he disappeared from view. "Hold on to that happy thought Danny…it's the only thing that'll help you survive the next few months."

XXXXXXXX

"Danny?"

"Yeah…" Danny replied as he entered his father's home, draped his coat over the edge of the closest chair and heads into the quiet sitting room and eased himself down in front of an empty chair before his father.

"How was the session?"

"It was…" Danny paused as his brow furrowed. You can't tell him about your partner…not right now….he wouldn't understand…ah hell even I don't…."tense."

"Meant to be but it should also help in the long run. Might not feel like it right now," Frank stated with a concerned expression. "I heard you went to visit Sia Wilder."

"Don't tell me I couldn't rub it in a little."

"Did it make you feel better?" Frank asked pointedly.

"A little," Danny replied with a glum tone. "Didn't expect…yeah I did. I expected her to show some kind of remorse now that she's stuck behind bars but nothing. She didn't give a damn. She's going away for the rest of her life…and it was like she was pissed because we arrested her."

"She's pissed because she was caught and that wasn't part of her plan. Just like it wasn't part of Thomas Wilder's plan."

"You honestly think she can be rehabilitated?" Danny asked sourly as Frank's lips pursed. "Right…everyone has the ability inside them to want to change."

"That's right. If she wants to change, for the better, she will. If not, she'll never be at peace."

"Don't think she cares about peace," Danny huffed as he leaned back in his chair. "How are the boys?"

"They did their homework but need you around. I know you had the mandatory session but you have tomorrow off."

"What? No Maria and I are working cold cases."

"You'll do that but you can cut out a few hours early and spend some time with them. Don't make me order it."

Danny uttered a small curse under his breath as he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. "It shouldn't be…a chore but work…work keeps me grounded. And yet it was the one thing Linda and I fought most about."

"Was it just the Wilder case? Or was there others?"

"The ones that were…gang related."

"She had reason to worry."

"She was killed because of me!" Danny spat sourly as he heard footsteps coming down the stairs.

"Dad?"

"Hey bud…what's going on?"

"Nothing," Sean shrugged as he came and slouched into the corner of the empty couch. "Did you work today?"

"Nope. Finished up a few things at the hospital and then…had lunch with my partner and went to see Dr. Day."

"Is Maria going to come back and make dinner for us again?" Sean asked innocently; which prompted Danny to look up in surprise.

"I…" Danny stammered as he paused to find the right words.

"Detective Baez is on leave also Sean."

"Okay," he shrugged. "She cooks really well."

"That she does," Danny replied as he tried to keep the soft smile that tugged at the corners of his lips from growing bigger. "But she's a friend of the family so…so when we get back to our routine and…and have our own place then maybe."

"She's welcome at family dinner anytime Danny. You know that. She always has been."

"I know but…"

"Think mom would've been okay with it?"

"She…"

"Your mother liked and respected Danny's partner and she would have been fine with her at the table."

"I'll see."

"Cool," Sean replied casually as Frank offered his grandson a warm smile. "When is the funeral?"

"Aunt Erin just texted me all the details," Danny replied as he pulled his phone.

"Details for what?"

"Hey come join us," Danny told his oldest as he moved himself to the middle of the couch with both sons on either side.

Frank watched with a warm smile as the three of them interacted and discussed funeral arrangements that would be held for Linda Reagan on the weekend; only a few days away. About a half hour later, both boys said their goodnight and headed back toward their temporary rooms while Danny felt himself fighting fatigue.

"Try to get some rest," Frank mentioned to his son as they two of them stood up to exit the room. "Did Dr. Day give you any pointers to at least a few hours of solid rest?"

"Yeah…find a happy place or thought and hold on to it."

"You have lots of those," Frank replied as he patted his son on the back and then offered him a tender hug. "We'll get through this week together, but even after that…we'll always be here for you."

"I know," Danny answered with a small smile as he pulled away and slowly trudged down the hallway to his small, temporary bedroom. It didn't take him long before he was dressed in sweat pants and a tee shirt and trying to tell himself that he will be able to get some solid rest as he turned off the light and tried to get some rest. But his mind was tormented as he tried to focus on the day he and Linda got married but then all he saw was her death at Sia's hands and his heart would race.

"Damn it," he cursed as he rolled onto his side and squeezed his eyes shut. He told himself that with the funeral looming, his emotions would be on overdrive and he'd be right. But even still…when he told himself to think of a happy place, he was on the beach, in Puerto Rico, at an open air bar and it was his partner at his side as they shared smiles and drinks and his conscience plagued him further.

Sleep wouldn't be restful.

XXXXXXXX

"You look like hell."

"Morning to you too," Danny tossed back at his partner with a sarcastic chirp. "Ready to crack those cases?"

"Danny…"

"Erin's taken care of all the funeral stuff and I'm going to clock out a bit early and pick up the boys and take them for supper to our favorite pizza place but…but I gotta work in the meantime. Dr. Day said it would be good for me."

"How did the session go yesterday?" She inquired innocently.

"It was good…yeah," Danny replied quietly.

"He give you any pointers to keep the anxiety away?" Maria asked him directly as he looked at her with a somewhat defeated expression.

"Yes."

"What did he say?" She pressed in wonder.

Yes…picture myself on a beach with you…his mind whispered in silence. I can't tell her that…

"Danny?"


A/N: oh Danny…so just a bit more to come here but since so many asked for a bit more on the session where he said his partner's name I had to finish that up and hope you all liked it! Please do review before you go and thanks so much!