No Means No
Disclaimer: I do not own Animorphs.
I watched Tobias walk away with no small degree of confusion. He was a lot more upset than he wanted to let on but for the life of me I couldn't understand why.
Tobias asked me if I wanted to become a member of the Sharing and I told him that I didn't. If the Sharing were a normal place and not something weird that seems to cause the people who go to it to get obsessed, then that would have been it. Tobias either wouldn't have bothered asking me why or, if he had, he wouldn't have started arguing with me about it.
I'm still not sure why we got into a mini-argument about it. I'm not entirely sure why I don't want to be a part of the Sharing but I'm also not sure why I need to have a bunch of well-thought-out reasons. Shouldn't you need a reason to want to belong to a club, not a reason not to? These people are acting like joining the Sharing is the norm and I'm the one who is being weird for not jumping at the chance to.
I'm starting to expect it from the full members by now but Tobias? He hasn't really been going here for all that long from what I can tell and he's already slated to become a 'full member' tonight. I hope it makes him happy but something about the idea of becoming a full member really sets me on edge. Given how…enthusiastic everyone in the Sharing is about the Sharing at all times, I'm pretty sure that if Tobias was going back when he still hung around with me I would have heard about it.
He stopped doing that a few days after we saw that meteor on the way home from the mall so he really can't have been involved with these people for even a full month. That seems pretty fast, to me. I wasn't really paying much attention back before Tom became a full member but I'm pretty sure it was longer than this. Still, if he wants to do it then he should just do it. Why is this bothering me anyway?
What did it matter if he got unreasonably angry at me for something I don't quite understand? He was probably just being protective of the Sharing since he took the fact I don't want to join to mean that I don't think it's 'good enough' for me. I'm not sure when I gave Tobias the impression that I'm a snob but he's not even a friend of mine so it really doesn't matter.
"Are you ready to go?" Tom asked me.
I nodded. "More than ready."
Tom shot me a strange look as we headed for the car. "What's that supposed to mean? You weren't having fun?"
"Not really," I admitted, opening the car door and getting into the passenger seat. "There was this kid from school there, Tobias."
Tom frowned. "Was he giving you a hard time? Just tell one of the full members and they'll put a stop to it. We don't tolerate bullying at the Sharing. It's supposed to be a place of warmth and acceptance."
I looked at him quizzically as he started the car. "You sound like a Hallmark card."
"Yeah?" Tom asked, grinning. "Well, I suppose it goes to show that they can have good ideas, too."
"He wasn't bullying me or anything," I assured him, finding the very idea of Tobias bullying someone rather surreal. "He told me he's going to become a full member tonight."
"Oh?" Tom seemed pleased. "That sounds like a good thing. How did that ruin your evening? Are you being the snobby one? The Sharing is for everybody, you know. Even Tobias."
I rolled my eyes. "That's what he said! I would have thought that you of all people would know me better than that, Tom."
"Hey, calm down, calm down," Tom said soothingly. "I know you wouldn't. I just don't see what the problem is."
"He kept asking me all these questions about why I don't want to become a full member," I explained. "And he was taking it really personally. It was really weird and kind of upsetting. I didn't know my joining or not joining meant so much to the guy."
Tom shrugged. "He's happy and he just wants everyone to be able to feel what he's feeling."
Somehow, I doubted that was it. Something about the way that Tobias called himself a loser and then the look on his face once he realized what he'd said…It made me realize that I really didn't know all that much about him.
"So," Tom said casually after a moment. "Not to be 'weird and kind of upsetting' or anything but why don't you want to be a member, little brother?"
"Because I don't like it," I said simply. "Why isn't that enough?"
"Oh, it is!" Tom assured me. "If you really don't want to go then that's cool. It's just…you know how important the Sharing is to me."
I sighed. "Yeah, I know." Sometimes it seemed that that was all he cared about anymore and before I started going to the Sharing we hadn't really been seeing very much of each other. Even now, all he seems to want to talk about was the Sharing. It had only been a few weeks now and already I was sick of it.
"As such, it's important to me that I find out why people don't like it so that I can talk to the others and we can try to make it better," Tom explained. "Surely you don't mind that?"
"Well…" I trailed off. It did sound like a pretty reasonable request. It was just so hard to explain and I had really struck out when I'd tried with Tobias. "Well, those motivational speeches are pretty boring, for one."
Tom smiled apologetically. "Yeah, I'm not too fond of those, either. They're important, though, and they're only every few weeks. I think that appeals more to some of the older crowd or people who are more troubled than either of us. What else?"
That wasn't enough? "Everyone keeps talking about how the individual will have to give up something, some bit of freedom to become part of something larger than themselves."
Tom nodded. "That sounds about right. What's so wrong with that? You know that you have to give up little freedoms for security now. Just try yelling 'fire' in a crowded theater and see what happens to you. Or wear gang colors or a druggie shirt to school."
I groaned. "Tobias already gave me the lecture about how I'm already 'a part of' a lot of things."
"He's not wrong," Tom pointed out.
"Just because being a part of something doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing doesn't mean it's always good, either," I argued. "People can be a part of gangs or mobs or cults-"
"Who said anything about a cult?" Tom asked sharply.
I blinked at him. "What?"
"Never mind," Tom said quickly.
"I just don't see why the Sharing is so…upfront about people having to sacrifice and give up individual freedoms in order to join," I said, shaking my head in bemusement.
"Would you rather they lied to you?" Tom asked, looking shocked at the very idea.
"Well…no," I admitted. "But I just don't see why it's necessary to give up anything at all to join. I mean, what is the Sharing? A group of people who want to all get along and help each other. What is there to sacrifice? The right to be jerks to people? I don't think they'd warn you about that. A lot of time since they'd expect you to participate in their beach-cleaning and highway pick-ups? It seems like they could just come right out and say that it would be a huge time commitment. I just don't like the feeling of not knowing what I'm getting into."
"It's just a few harmless secrets," Tom claimed. "To be perfectly honest, all this 'secrecy' is really just a gimmick to attract new members."
"Well, I just don't see the appeal," I said flatly.
We stopped at a red light and Tom turned to me, putting his hand on my arm. "Jake, the Sharing is important to me and you are, too. I hate that I never have enough time to spend with you and these last few weeks we've gone to the Sharing together have been wonderful. I don't want to lose that. The Sharing really would make your life so much better. Trust me, Jake. I'm your big brother; would I lie to you?"
Tom's face spasmed, then, the way it had been doing every time he tried to seriously talk me into joining. I blinked and it had passed. Tom never wanted to talk about it so I didn't mention it. It was a little weird, though. It was almost like subconsciously he didn't want me to join but I had no idea why. It wasn't like Tom had ever been embarrassed by me before and he certainly was spending an awful lot of time trying to coax me into joining if he really didn't want me around.
"I know you wouldn't," I said softly. "And I know that you love it but I just really don't feel like I fit in there."
"Nonsense," Tom waved me off. "Everybody fits in at the Sharing. That's the whole point."
"Good for everybody," I said shortly.
"Jake, I really just don't understand your problem," Tom said, shaking his head ruefully. "You're taking a perfectly nice, caring community and you're just flat-out rejecting it for no reason at all." Starting to get angry, he pulled into the driveway and parked the car.
"I shouldn't have to have a reason!" I cried out, unbuckling my seatbelt and getting out of the car as fast as I could, hoping to escape this conversation. "I'm not five years old, anymore! I'm not always going to like the things that you do. Why can't you just accept that?"
"It's not like I'm asking you to follow me around everywhere and try to live my life, Jake!" Tom countered, frustratedly running a hand through his hair. "I just took you to something that I love in the hopes that maybe you could appreciate it, too, and I thought that you really did! Now I find out that after all this, you're just spitting on something that means the world to me? How am I supposed to react?"
I threw my hands up in the air. "Like someone halfway sane would! I said I don't want to join a club that you're in, not that I'm rejecting you and everything you stand for!"
"Could have fooled me," Tom muttered.
I don't understand. Why is this such a big deal? He doesn't understand. Why aren't my words getting through to him? What is it about the Sharing that makes people act this way? I hope that I never understand it because it's really starting to irritate me.
I have done nothing but be supportive and open-minded about this whole thing even though I didn't want to get involved and what do I get in return? People biting my head off left and right because I don't want to dive right in and devote my whole life to their stupid club. And they wondered why I didn't want to join! Their recruitment strategy really left a lot to be desired.
People were starting to stare. I really didn't want to have this argument anyway. I marched towards the house.
"And just where are you going?" Tom demanded, hurrying after me.
I stopped, suddenly tired. Why were we even arguing over this? "Look, Tom, it's just not me, okay?"
And...that's where it picks up in Megamorphs #4.
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