Authors note: So I have Bucky zoning out a bit and falling back into the Soldier state of mind. Picture him from the movie when we see him sitting blankly in the chair before Peirce backhands him. Also in an interview with Sebastian Stan about the blankness, and empty look, he expressed that he saw the Soldier as the opposite of blank, that he had thoughts racing in his mind, that his expression was lost in inner thought rather then aware of his surroundings. That's how I am depicting Bucky during that part of this chapter. So, hope it communicates well.
CH. 29
Bucky sat stiffly in his chair as the day of court slowly and painfully progressed. The Defense called to the stand a number of Doctors and Psychiatrists who had observed Sargent Barns while he was at S.H.E.I.L.D as well as Bucky's own Psychiatrist. The medical professionals were all in agreement about the various diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder, PTSD, Battered Person Syndrome, Depression and Anxiety. The doctors explained their diagnosis and the defense entered into evidence surveillance footage recorded from when the defendant was still trapped in the mindset of the Asset, kneeling before the Avengers and pleading to be punished for not understanding how to be Bucky Barnes. The next video was an edited version of when Hydra attacked the tower, showing only the Soldier fighting back and carrying The Black Widow away, stumbling with three tranquilizer darts in his back. The final video clips entered into evidence were of Bucky at the Tower during some of his flash backs, mumbling gibberish or screaming as he cowered, hiding away from Steve and the others. The video clips, pictures of his attempted self amputation, along with in-depth testimony of the psychological turmoil, physiological drug with drawl and long term detrimental effects of repeated Cryo freezing and mind wipes, were all laid out before the jury who no longer stared at Bucky with animosity or fear but instead with disturbed grimaces and looks of pity.
Despite the burning shame and nauseous pit in his stomach, Bucky remained stoic through out the daylong examination of his fearful, self-defacing and painful recovery from the mindless and obedient Hydra weapon to the slightly less volatile Bucky Barnes. All the evidence presented in court had been reviewed with the Sargent during the months leading up to the trial and yet despite prior knowledge of what would be submitted to the Jury, he still could not help but feel laid bare and exposed for the world to see, his pride battered and his face red with humility. At times he turned away and squeezed his eyes shut, unable to watch himself trembling and cowering in a corner or screaming in Russian as he hit his head and rocked. He could feel the eyes of the Juriers on him like hot coals burning through him and by the end of the day, he was no longer able to hold his head up or make eye contact, walking out to the limo in a daze, eyes glazed and unfocused.
He was silent on the ride back, feeling numb and cold. He shivered slightly and flinched when Steve laid his hand gently on his shoulder then mumbled an apology. The Avengers did not push him, aware of just how difficult the day in court had been, one more painful and humiliating experience to add to his endless list. As they made their way into their temporary sanctuary, Bucky was withdrawn and offered no verbal communication, simply staring off blankly with a troubled look. He complied robotically with Bruce's request to examine his shoulder wound that was mostly healed but very sore and tender. He sat motionless in a chair, empty gaze, lost and unfocused and expression blank as Bruce carefully examined the injury, glancing from his patient to Steve with a slightly concerned look. When he told Bucky that the wound was healing well he received no reply but noticed the stiff tremor that ran through the Sargent's body when he placed a comforting hand on his bare back.
After the check up Bucky remained docile and compliant, allowing himself to be lead back to his living quarters where Steve helped him finish disrobing. The Captain watched him with a concerned frown, aware that the stress of the day had caused Bucky to revert back into the obedient, emotionally numb mindset of the Winter Soldier. Steve felt his gut cramp at the distant look in his friend's eyes and the solemn yet neutral expression on his tired face. Steve sighed as he guided Bucky through the movements of undressing and was startled when he finally heard his friend utter a raspy, mumbled whisper. He stated with a flat, monotone voice that he needed to shower, eyes fixed on the floor. Steve nodded in understanding but then sheepishly insisted that the bathroom door be left open to which Bucky simply nodded, keeping his eyes on the ground.
Standing under the spray, he let the beating water pour around him as thoughts raced through his mind. The water ran down his face and body and he felt as though he was drowning in the constant flow of painful memories, the cold numbness dissolved into a furnace of raw emotions. Self-hatred and disgust turned in his stomach and before he knew it, he was crouched over throwing up as he sobbed between wrenches. He trembled and sputtered and emptied his stomach with guttural cries until he felt empty and hollow. When at last he was able to breath, he blinked the water from his eyes and focused on his surroundings, realizing that the shower had stopped and Steve was crouched next to the tub, wrapping a towel around his trembling shoulders and whispering reassurances. He looked up at his friend with surprise and confusion, realizing that he had become lost in the haze of pain and self loathing, breaking from reality as his body revolted against the horrific and over bearing feelings of shame and worthlessness. Steve met his eyes and then smiled sadly as he too realized that Bucky had not even been aware of his presence. With gentle patience, Steve helped him stand, wrapping the towel around his waist and Bucky smirked bitterly as he realized just how often Steve had to help him with a task as simple as cleaning himself. He stepped out of the tub and pushed Steve away with a frown and a shake of his head, sick and tired of feeling vulnerable and needy. He headed for his own room with Steve on his heels and when he turned around he offered an apologetic half smile and another shake of his head, silently stating a need for isolation before shutting the door as he looked away from Steve's desperate concern and desire to help him.
...
The next day was far worse despite Bucky's resolve to once more remain composed and hold on to his shreds of dignity. He had been quiet and distant that morning, offering nods and short answers, keeping a pensive frown on his face as he attempted to mentally prepare himself for another grueling day of trial, shrugging off Steve's hand as he tried to offer comfort. The others gave him space, understanding that he was struggling to keep himself together but Steve couldn't stop glancing at him with worried eyes and an anxsious expression, even after Sam not so subtlety told him to quit it.
At court that day the Defense called up a few different technical specialist, engineers and a Neuroscientist from S.H.E.I.L.D, all of whom had been examining the cryo tanks and maintenance chairs found recently in international raids on Hydra bases. Bucky had been very still during the initial testimonies, focused, as before on a spot directly in front of him on the table. It unnerved Steve the way Bucky remained so still, eyes down and head lowered and he glanced at his best friend cautiously more often then he watched the juriers' reactions to the various experts. Bucky, for his part, maintained a neutral expression, face a mask of calmness even as his eyes shown bright fear underlined with fatigue and his jaw twitched, teeth clenched. In his hand under the table the stress ball was being crushed and his chest felt tight and constricted.
Bucky thought he was prepared for the evidence as he knew it would be examined in the courtroom that day, but when they actually wheeled in one of each torturous device, his body tensed up and his vision blurred in and out. The sound in the room was drowned out by the fire and crackle of thousands of volts of electricity and the echo of harsh Russian orders barked as a freezing chill raked through his body. He felt the tightness squeeze his pounding heart and his eyes grew wide as his breathing choked, a look of terror replacing his mask of calm. He trembled in his seat as he gasped for breath, frantic eyes darting from the Chair to the Cryo Tank. It was obvious to all present that he was in the midst of a panic attack as one of his lawyers placed a hand on his shoulder and Bucky yelled falling out of his chair and crawling backwards desperate to get away from the hated machinery. He cried out through clenched teeth, hands gripped in his hair and eyes full of desperate horror and unspeakable pain as he pushed up against the far wall. He was curled in on him self and pleading in both Russian and English as Steve was instantly at his side along with Sam and Natasha.
The Judge in his wisdom ordered the court room to be silent so as not to exacerbate the already unhinged man and with the help of his friends, Steve guided Bucky to stand and stumble out of the court room even as he begged in broken languages not to go back to the chair and tank. His trembling voice was half desperate growl and half anguished whimper as he repeating over and over again in both languages that it hurt and he was so cold. Once out of the court room, Steve, Sam and Natasha got Bucky into the nearest bathroom where he remained for almost an hour, a mumbling mess of pitiful pleading and promises to be good. Steve held him tightly in his arms on the floor as Natasha spoke to him in Russian and Sam spoke in English, both trying to help bring him back to the present. When at last his breathing had calmed and his wild, wet eyes blinked in recognition of who they were and where he was, he pushed away from Steve and buried his face in his hands with a haggard groan and shudder. Steve pat his back and they spoke to him with calm reassurances until he finally looked up with red rimmed eyes.
"Shit,... I freaked out,... I lost it in there!... Now they know I am a fucking mess,... They know I cant be let free!" He huffed with anger at himself as he shook his head bitterly. Natasha knelt before him and stroked his face until he begrudgingly met her understanding and thoughtful expression.
"You did freak out,... but you were not violent,... you where scared,... terrified... If anything they will know with out a doubt that you were a captive, held against your will,... You're reaction in there explains more then any of those expert witnesses ever could about how terrible it was to be subjected to that,... to suffer as Hydra's weapon." Natasha offered him an honest and truthful sentiment that was supported by both Steve and Sam. Bucky thought about what she said and finally nodded before looking back up at Steve with pleading eyes, swallowing down his agonizing humility as his voice broke.
"I ... I can't go back in there Stevie,... please!... Not with those things in there,...I…I can't look at ….. at…..!" Bucky's voice trembled and Steve nodded as he gripped the back of his friend's neck and pressed their foreheads together.
'
"It's okay Buck,... Just breath Pal!" Steve reassured as Natasha rose to her feet to go inform the lawyers that Bucky needed to be excused during testimony for the remainder of the day. She was back only moments later with a nod and then gestured with her head.
"Limo's waiting, common, everything is fine and the Juge has granted him leave for the remainder of today's court session." Steve nodded and with Sam's help, they hoisted Bucky up on wobbly legs and headed for the door. Pepper and Clint were there waiting and as they approached the exit Bucky resisted, his face betraying his desperate need to hide his anxiety and fear from the onslaught of cameras outside. With out a moment's hesitation Natasha grabbed Clint's coat that he was already shrugging off and draped it over Bucky's head and shoulders, concealing his panic stricken face, stroking it once more with genuine compassion.
"I'm staying here with Banner and Stark, we'll see you guys back at home base." Clint nodded and Natasha stood next to him indicating the same. Steve smiled his thanks beneath emotional eyes before they marched through the gauntlet of media frenzy, Pepper in the lead. The flashes were almost blinding and the roar of voices deafening. Bucky felt disjointed, his body moving stiffly as everything around him was overwhelming and surreal. Pepper opened the limo door and Steve guided Bucky inside with Sam's help. With a tight smile and nod Pepper shut the door turning around to face the barge of reporters and spectators, answering questions as to why Sargent Barnes was leaving court, offering candidly that the evidence submitted that day was too emotionally painful for the Sargent to remain.
Inside the escaping limo Steve tried to pull the jacket away from Bucky's head but he grunted and kept it over him like a blanket, pulling his legs up as he shivered, the sound of his teeth chattering muffled beneath it. Steve looked at Sam with questioning eyes and Sam simply nodded and gestured with his hand to let him be. They remained silent the rest of the ride back and once there, Bucky was guided into the building with the jacket still covering his face, unwilling to expose his shattered expression.
When they entered their living quarters Bucky finally dropped the jacket stumbling forward with a choked gasp and a groan of anguished despair as he began pacing on unsteady legs, hands gripping his hair. With each heavy step he gasped desperately for air, chest tight as his wide, panicked eyes grew wet with fresh tears. Sam remained at a distance and watched as Steve tried to comfort his distressed friend but Bucky shoved him away with a harsh cry, face twisted in pain and anxiety as he felt the weight of his tormented memories crashing over him again and again. He pulled on his short brown hair and squeezed his eyes tight as his tense body shook. After another moment of staggering around the room he paused, swaying in the center as a gut wrenching cry tour through his trembling form. He was drowning in the distorted fragments of agonizing thought and emotionally pungent memory. His head was spinning as he became lost in the realness of his flashbacks, the sounds and smells, the feel of electricity ripping through his skull and the bone chilling ice that froze the desperate scream in his lugs. He gasped and gritted his teeth, hissing against the onslaught of remembered torture, of hopeless resignation and battered acceptance of his endless suffering. When he could no longer fight against the flood of relived hell, he finally dropped heavily onto the floor, kneeling with his face in his hands as he shook with silent sobs. Steve crouched next to him and even through Bucky struggled away from him, he eventually relented and collapsed against his friend's embrace, repeating over and over again that he was 'sorry' as he sobbed in Steve's arms. Sam sat near by in a chair with a compassionate expression as Steve swallowed down his own sorrow and heart ach for his emotionally devastated brother.
...
The following day Bucky awoke in his own bed with Steve wrapped protectively around him, both in sweats and tee shirts. Bucky shifted with a sigh, rubbing his face as memory of the day before crashed over him. Steve slowly shifted up on to his elbow and looked down at Bucky with such deep concern and heart ach that Bucky almost laughed, wanting to tell Steve not to waste such devotion on a wretched, pathetic coward. Instead he just sighed and offered a small smile and swallowed before he spoke.
"Sorry,... for not keeping it together yesterday." He grimaced at the memory of his own weakness and Steve offered a soft smile as he rubbed Bucky's flesh hand.
"You have been keeping us both together for as long as I've known you,...And even if you fall apart now,... I will help you pick up the pieces... You can do this Bucky,... Just a few more days pal and I promise,... no matter what the verdict is you will be free and I will be by your side,... 'Till the end of the line right?" Steve spoke with such love and certainty that Bucky felt humbled and couldn't help but offer a small smile, eyes shinning with admiration and appreciation for the friend who refused to give up on him.
"What I'd do in life to earn such a stubborn Punk for a best friend ehe Rogers?" Bucky smirked as he sat up stiffly.
"Well, being a first class Jerk that never left my side during a fight probably had something to do with it." Steve mused and the two chuckled, Steve rubbing Bucky's back and offering a gentle squeeze on his flesh shoulder.
...
That day in Court each Avenger took the stand in Bucky's defense, expressing their thoughts and feelings about the trustworthiness, courage and other strengths of Sargent Barnes' character. They answered the questions of both the defense lawyers and the prosecution, determined to express their sincere admiration for the once feared and despised Hydra Assassin. The Prosecutor tried his best to force confessions that Bucky was capable of uncontrolled, violent outbursts and that his triggers were unpredictable, but each team member stood their ground and declared that he was no more a threat then any other PTSD Vet and that he was not a threat as long as he was safely in their custody, explaining that the Avengers had been helping him with his recovery for the better part of a year with out serious incident. When asked if he ever attacked any of them during flash backs or dissociative breaks they deflected the questions by stating that they knew how to handle him and he was not violent just defensive, trying to protect himself from the hellish pain he was subjected to.
When the Prosecutor asked Dr. Banner if Bucky's biochemistry had been compromised and how that could make him erratic and unpredictable, Bruce simply shrugged and said he could say the same for himself. He instead went on to express confidence in Sargent Barnes' ability to overcome and recover, restating the remarkable way in which his brain tissue had been healing from years of chemical manipulation and electrical trauma. With Sam the Attorney tried to coerce a damning statement about the battle during project insight and how Bucky very nearly killed him. Sam replied that the consciousness persona that had attacked him was that of the Winter Soldier and not Sargent Barnes. He went on to state that he had been amazed how quickly the lethal identity of Hydra's weapon, once free of their control and safely sheltered by the Avengers, had almost immediately regressed from violent into confused and almost child like in his demeanor.
Clint took on a more of a spiteful tone with the lawyer who was quickly losing his case against Hydra's former Weapon. Each answer he gave was backhanded and cutting at the Lawyer's integrity and when he was asked the question, 'Would You trust a man who once killed for Hydra to watch your back in the felid?' Hawk Eye replied with absolute certainty and fierceness in his tone that was intimidating.
"I would trust Sargent Barnes to cover my back and fight along side me any day, any time and anyplace!... Can't say the same for you through,... you strike me as the sorta guy that would be too busy saving yer own sorry hid, more focused on figuring out who to blame, pointing out problems instead of solving them!" Clint shrugged when the Lawyer objected and smirked as he took a gulp of water.
Steve's testimony had been bullet proof and offered no room for doubt, his eyes daring the Prosecutor to challenge him or say anything slanderous about his best friend. He responded to each question with unwavering faith and support of Bucky, remaining absolute and stead fast in his responses to even the most challenging questions that suggested Bucky could once more be manipulated and turned into a weapon. Steve had spoken with a sharp and dangerous tone, declaring that he would never again allow any harm to come to his friend and that he would do what ever he had to do to protect him against anyone who threatened his safety or tried to take him against his will. He was careful in his choice of words but the message was clear and the Jury shifted in their seats aware that Captain America was indirectly including them as a potential threat to the welfare the Sargent.
However even with the strength of each character witness, there were moments that were difficult, truths that the prosecution tried to exploit to their advantage like the fact that Natasha had been shot twice by the Winter Soldier and that he was directly responsible for Howard and Marie Stark's death. Natasha had kept her cool, controlled demeanor, answering each question with casual confidence, undaunted by the manipulative tactics of the prosecution.
Stark however got defensive and sarcastic, at one point calling the prosecutor a "vindictive little Wessel" and a "media whore," when he was questioned about how he could possibly defend the man responsible for his parent's deaths unless he was grateful that he no longer had to live in his father's shadow. Tony had erupted at that point and the courtroom became a shouting match as Stark's legal team objected and The judge demanded order in the court. Bucky sat ridged in his seat, hand squeezing the stress ball rapidly as he worked on controlling his breathing and not glaring daggers at the prosecutor, aware that his menacing expression would not help his case.
At the end of court that day the Avengers waited in the car as Stark addressed the multiple media outlets who eagerly shoved cameras and microphones in his face as Pepper held onto his arm, reminding him to keep his head level. Stark fumed about the insensitive and despicable remarks made by the prosecution regarding his relationship with his mother and father, unable to keep his emotions from pouring out.
"For that man to imply that I was glad that my father and mother were killed, that I was eager to inherit Stark industries and was jealous of my father's success is not only a load of horse shit, it's offensive to my family, to Stark Industries and everything we have created. I am disgusted by the prosecution's blatant attempt to provoke a volatile response that might somehow help their utterly futile case to depict Sargent Barnes and anyone who stands by his side as heartless, self serving and ruthless... I have forgiven James Buchanan Barnes' role in my parents death for one simple reason, ….it was not his willful decision, he had no choice, no ability to understand his actions... And when he did finally remember what had happened,... how he had been forced to arrange the car accident that took my parents life,... he literally collapsed on the floor in despair and begged my forgiveness, overcome with grief and remorse... My father, Howard Stark, worked with Captain Steven Grant Rogers and the other Howling Commando's during the war,... Sargent Barnes and my father were more then just allies, they where friends... If that doesn't prove his lack of culpability for the Hydra's crimes,... Then Justice truly is blind!" Stark fumed as he turned and walked abruptly with Pepper at his side as they entered the Limo.
They sat in silence as it pulled away from the media circus and after a few deep breaths, Tony swallowed and took off his sunglasses, rubbing his red eyes, jaw twitching. He looked up as he felt a hand on his knee and saw Bucky leaning forward with a similar expression, jaw taunt and a torrent of emotions in his blue eyes.
"It's almost over Sargent,... And then that sniveling piece of shit will loose his job if it takes every fucking cent I own!" Stark huffed bitterly and Pepper kissed him on the cheek, the others remaining silent.
.
