I own nothing.

Nothing but Trouble

-Chapter Twenty-Nine:

Naruto blinked blearily in the sunlight filtering through his bedroom windows and rubbed his head. "Oh my God." He sat up and absently shoved Anko off of himself and onto the ground. "That was overkill."

"Kill something?" Anko mumbled from the floor.

"No, overkill," Naruto corrected.

"Kill something later," Anko said as she spooned up against some woman who, for whatever reason, was sleeping on the floor. A quick look around suggested that it was probably due to lack of real estate on the bed. Naruto climbed off the bed, grabbed his pants and moved out into the apartment proper. To his annoyance, Kaori was passed out and using Mei's considerable chest for a pillow. Since he had started training her, such scenes with different women had been a normal early morning sight. A quick glance under the blanket confirmed that both were clothed and Naruto puffed out a sigh of relief. Sakura would already be mad enough if she found her genin spooning with a woman without either of them being naked.

"Wake up grasshopper, there's killing that needs doing."

"What?" Kaori slurred as she blinked owlishly. Naruto ignored her drowsy reply and made his way to the kitchen, stepping over bodies the entire way. He dug out a bowl of instant ramen from the cupboard and set about preparing it. It was at that moment that he saw the time on the microwave.

"Well. . .shit."

(:ii:)

"You know," Tsunade began, "I'm beginning to sense a pattern here."

"I should have seen this coming," Sakura grumbled. "They were still going at it when I left at one this morning."

"Ugh," Nanbu grunted from behind a pair of heavy sunglasses. Why did those two twits have to be so damned loud?

"You know, I was kind of surprised when you showed up at the party," Sakura added. "I thought you didn't like Naruto."

"I hate that bastard," Nanbu stated, "but I'll be damned if he doesn't throw the best parties ever. . .of all time. Why else would everyone's ninja go to the Land of Spring for vacation?"

"Travel to the Land of Spring outside of business is banned in the Village Hidden in the Sand," Gaara stated.

"It's on everybody's banned list," Nanbu said. "That's half the reason all the ninja go there. The other half is the parties." Were they really that naive? There was a sudden rush of wind and Nanbu's blond haired nemesis appeared in his seat with the brat sitting in his lap. "Huh. Was that the Flying Thunder God?"

"A guy just appears out of nowhere and you say, 'huh'?" Naruto demanded. Nanbu shrugged. "God, you take all the fun out of making an entrance and yes, it was," Naruto stated. "On that note, I would like to say: first field test of the Flying Thunder God technique is a success!"

"That was the first time you ever used that?" Kaori shrieked as she shot to her feet. "I've read about that technique. It's forbidden because of how dangerous it is!"

"Big deal, I did all the theoretical legwork," Naruto argued. "All that was left was a field test. Hell, that's why I put a seal on my chair."

"Did your theoretical legwork involve passengers?" Sakura asked. Naruto's broad grin suddenly became rather fixed and he paled a little. "So, you almost killed my genin?"

"Again," Kaori grumbled.

"I didn't want to be late," Naruto said simply.

"Actually, you're still ten minutes early," Tsunade commented. "I must admit, I thought you were going to be late."

"I am late," Naruto corrected. "I'm fifty minutes late. All the clocks in my apartment said I was."

"Sounds like you just got played," Nanbu said. The blond cast him an annoyed glance, stuck two fingers in his mouth and whistled. Nanbu's whole body contracted in pain hard enough to cause him to fall out of his seat.

"So, how's your hangover?"

"Fuck you."

"Thought so," Naruto stated before turning on Sakura. "So, you messed with my clocks?"

"You can't prove that," the pink haired woman replied.

"So, you almost killed me," Kaori stated.

"No, that was Naruto."

"No, that was you!" Kaori snapped. "You can't blame Naruto when he does something stupid, he's an idiot!"

"Hey," Naruto whined.

"You should have known better," the genin continued. She pinched the bridge of her nose. "God damn it. I have such a hangover. You know what, fuck you all. I'm going down there with the people who aren't dicks." With that she turned and leapt down to where the other genin were.

"Are all of you going to let a genin talk to you like that?" A asked, breaking his usual silence when around Naruto.

"Frankly, I have come to expect that kind of thing from Mister Fox's genin and I've also come to accept it without too much arguing after a team of them came a little too close to killing me," Nanbu commented. A stared at the masked man for a moment.

"I see."

(:ii:)

"So, there's only four fights?"

"You'd know if you'd been here for the last ones," Sakura stated as she watched Satomi got ready to fight Gaara's last genin. "We might also get around to next round if the genin aren't too banged up."

"I was here," Naruto protested.

"No, your inner feminine side was here," Sakura said simply.

"I have no inner feminine side," Naruto replied automatically. "Anyway, where are the rest of my genin?"

"Luckily most of them ended up fighting each other," Tsunade explained. "You know, I don't remember ever seeing Kaori actually mad."

"Yeah, I kind of dragged her away from her favorite pillows," Naruto said. "On that note, I don't think Mei is going to be showing up anytime soon."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Sakura asked after a moment of trying to draw the connection between Kaori's pillows and Mei.

"Heh," Naruto grunted as he grinned sheepishly and scratched the back of his head. "Oh, nothing. You know me; sometimes I just keep talking and say things I'll probably regret." The pink haired woman puffed out an annoyed breath.

"Whatever. Now be quiet. I want to watch this."

"Why? It's not like they're my genin."

"No, but the one is my genin," Sakura said as patiently as she could.

"It is?" Naruto squinted down in the arena. "Oh. Hey Not-a-Twin! I have total confidence in you!" Sakura could see Satomi's puzzled expression from the Kage's box.

"Please don't distract her."

"Sorry. Who's she fighting?"

"The last of my genin," Gaara stated. "Several of my ninja had the misfortune of fighting yours."

"Oh, sorry."

"It has exposed several flaws in our training curriculum," Gaara stated. "I am grateful for the experience."

"Oh," Naruto said, nodding in understanding. "You know, even I almost missed the vein bulging by your eye." Gaara's eye twitched rather violently.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Sakura turned away quickly to hide a smile.

"So, is she any good?" Naruto asked.

"Satomi was the top of her class," Sakura said.

"A natural born genius, huh?" Naruto pressed.

"Sure, if you call a girl who worked two jobs to pay for classes with Rock Lee for the duration of the academy a natural born genius," Sakura commented. She caught the blonde's look. "So, Kaori told you that Satomi was a natural and everything was easy for her, huh?"

"Uh. . .yeah."

"That's because Kaori can be an idiot."

"Yeah, no argument there." Five minutes later Sakura puffed out a breath of relief as the proctor raised Satomi's hand. "Yeah, she's definitely a very advanced brawler."

"Rock Lee is a very good teacher," Sakura stated. "He charges thousands to teach samurai and their kids. Satomi only got in because he gave her a ninety-eight percent discount."

"He's a good guy like that." Down below the main screen went from announcing Satomi's victory back to the list of remaining genins. Two more names popped up and Naruto laughed. "This is going to be epic."

"This is going to be horrible," Sakura muttered as she watched Kaori and Ashikaga took the field. "Kaori's going to be burned alive."

"Nah," Naruto drawled. "Kaori knows his hand signs. If he goes for his little fireball trick, she'll fire off her own fireball and they should take oxygen away from each other which will lead to the fireballs being snuffed out or deflected."

"So, they'll burn everyone in the stands alive instead of each other?" Sakura demanded.

"Uh. . .uh oh. Wait, didn't they all sign waivers?"

"Yes," Tsunade stated.

"No problem then!"

"We've put certain precautions in place," Tsunade commented. "It'll be fine."

"Fine is what you say when things are going bad, but you decide to lie about it," Sakura countered. She settled in her seat and crossed her fingers that she wouldn't have to write a 'sorry about you kid' letter. Down below the proctor held up his hand. He swung it down and promptly turned tail and fled. "That's never a good sign."

"That's always a good sign," Naruto argued as the two genin circled each other cautiously.

"So, she's not going to charge in?" Sakura pressed.

"Not with how much she had to drink last night," Naruto replied. "Actually, I'm not sure she's circling on purpose. She might just not be able to walk in straight lines yet." Sakura had heard enough and seized the Yukikage by the fox fur lapels of his coat.

"God damn it Naruto, I don't want to write a 'sorry about you kid' letter!" The blond didn't even look at her.

"There." Sakura turned and fought the urge to clamp a hand over her eyes and Ashikaga dropped low and shot forward in a straight taijutsu super man punch.

"Oh, no." Kaori didn't even bother dodging. She grabbed his wrist and pulled, forcing the boy to stumble. She planted her open palm against his elbow and pushed. Sakura could almost hear the popping as her student hyper extended Ashikaga's arm. Keeping the boy off balance she used her hand as pivot point and twisted his arm behind him before kicking at the back of his leg to drop him to his knees.

"It's done," Naruto stated proudly.

"Ashikaga's absorbed a lot more damage than. . ." Nanbu trailed off as Kaori reached over the boy and wrapped an arm around his neck. "Oh." The girl leaned back and was knocked away by the proctor before she could use their combined weight to snap Ashikaga's neck. "That was your style wasn't it?"

"Yeah," Naruto stated happily. "She doesn't normally use it though, because it's not flashy enough."

"Certainly lacking the showmanship of a German suplex or a soccer kick to the groin. She seems to have mastered it to a fairly high level."

"I made the style easy to learn and easy to perform," Naruto bragged. "So, I'm going to go grab her and we're going to have a couple drinks. See you in a few."

"Wait!" Sakura's fingers closed around air as the man disappeared. "God damn it. Can he do that?"

"The question when Mister Fox is concerned is never 'can he do that?' but rather: 'can you stop him?" Nanbu stated. "That was a good show though. I haven't seen that style in twenty years; I forgot how elegantly brutal it was."

"Twenty years?" Sakura parroted. "He said he came up with that style."

"Ask Mister Fox."

(:ii:)

"Hey folks!" Naruto announced as he dropped down into the Kage's viewing box. "We're back!"

"Kaori is fighting again," Sakura stated flatly.

"Yay!" Kaori cheered.

"You up for that?" Naruto asked.

"I'm up for anything!" Kaori stated as a rather strange smile crept across her face.

"She's drunk," Sakura pointed out.

"Yep," Naruto agreed as he edged away from the genin a little. She could get so grabby after she had gotten into the tequila. "Now, don't you have something to say?"

"Huh?" Kaori managed. "Oh, right!" She bowed and almost slammed her forehead into the arm of Gaara's chair. "Hey dudes, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to call you all dicks." She straightened up and stabbed a pair of fingers at Gaara and A. "I mean, I don't even who the hell you two are." Gaara's lips twitched into a tiny amused smile and A began to sputter, but Kaori had already lost interest. "And you!" she added, moving on to Nanbu. "I do know you and you are a dick, but on a scale of one to Naruto, you're only, like, a five."

"Hey," Naruto whined, but was cut off by his favorite enemy.

"I'm honored," Nanbu stated. Kaori turned, nearly tripped and stabbed a finger at Tsunade. "I have no idea who you are, but I love you." The blond blew out an annoyed sign.

"You might recognize me if you looked at my face," she commented. "It's up here."

"Oh," Kaori's eyes moved up. "Hey Granny!" She never saw the fist coming. "Ow!"

"Don't call me Granny!" Naruto felt a hand clamp down on his shoulder like a vice and turned to see Sakura.

"Hey Sakura!"

"How much did you give her to drink?" the pink-haired woman demanded.

"I don't know. She drinks for free at the Kage Club. All the girls love her there." Naruto rooted around in his pocket and produced a flask. "Booze?"

"Do you really think this is the time. . ."

"I'm sorry!" Kaori cried, interrupting her instructors. "Hug?"

"Wha. . ." Tsunade managed before she was seized in a fierce bear hug that pinned her arms to her sides.

"Uh oh," Naruto grunted as he shoved the flask into Sakura's hands and lunged forward. Unfortunately, he was too late to stop Kaori from shoving her face into Tsunade's cleavage and doing her best impression of an outboard motor. Fortunately, the moment was brief as Naruto managed to seize Kaori by her collar and pull her away.

"No! Bad grasshopper! No more tequila!"

"I'm just doing what everyone here wants to do!" Kaori countered as she dangled from the scruff of her collar. "Tell me I'm wrong!" Naruto stared at her in annoyance for a long moment.

"And no more lap dances for a week." The genin's face paled.

"You can't do that!"

"A month," the blond corrected. Kaori stared at him in open horror.

"Deal!" she squeaked. "We can make a deal, right?" Naruto paused and considered that.

"Best the record for the fastest knockout this round."

"I can do that!"

"If you can't; no lap dances for two months."

"Deal." They shook on it and disappeared leaving the Kage's Booth in utter silence for a moment.

"Did your genin just motorboat me?" Tsunade asked. Sakura stared at her in horror for a moment before realizing that she was holding Naruto's flask. She quickly unscrewed the lid and began drinking. To her relief, Naruto reappeared just as she was emptying the container.

"Did your genin just motorboat the Hokage?" The blond stared at her for a moment.

"Oh, I get it. So, when Kaori wins a fight she's your genin, but when she motorboats another Kage, she's my genin. Yeah, that's totally fair." Sakura puffed out an annoyed breath.

"Fine. You have a. . .wait, another Kage?" Naruto's face fell and he snatched back his flask only to shake it in disappointment.

"This was full when I gave it to you."

"And now it's empty," Sakura responded. "Now, what were you saying?"

"Hello!" a new voice chirped and Sakura turned to see that Mei had decided to join them.

"Speak of the devil," Naruto muttered. "Didn't think you were going to show up Mei."

"Oh, I got a late start this morning," the redhead stated as she sat down. "On top of that I found that someone had spent the entire night drooling on my boobs." All eyes naturally turned to Naruto.

"Wasn't me," the blond protested.

"Anyway, I needed to take a shower and then Kisame decided to join me and then. . ." Mei quickly dissolved into giggling and hiding her blushing cheeks with her hands.

"Ah, young love," Naruto commented as he produced another flask from one of the pockets of his trench coat. Sakura snatched it away from him, dedicated to getting some answers, but she was interrupted as a screaming shape flew between them. "Was that the other genin?"

"I do think that was the other genin," Sakura stated. They both looked down into the arena where Kaori now stood alone.

"Lap dances are mine, bitches!" With that, she promptly disappeared.

"Not without cash you. . ." Naruto trailed off as he checked his pockets. "That little bitch. She's good. She's dead, but she's good."

"Did your genin steal your wallet?" Nanbu asked.

"It appears so," Naruto replied. "She must have done it when she grabbed my ass at the strip club. I'm going to be furious when I stop being proud."

"She grabbed your ass?" Sakura asked in horror.

"Tequila," Naruto said with a shrug.

"We need her back here to announce the final opponents," Tsunade stated.

"Gotcha. Be right back."

(:ii:)

"Let me go you bastard!" Naruto sighed and stared at the girl he was currently dangling from her ankle.

"Grasshopper, professional time." Kaori looked around at the packed stands and then are Tsunade who was standing next to Naruto.

"Oh, right. Professional." She nodded her understanding, so Naruto dropped her on her head. "Ow, you fucker!" Next to them, Tsunade blew out an annoyed breath and formed a few hand seals.

"Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor to present the final two genin!" She paused for effect as the crowd went wild.

"Final two genin?" Kaori asked. "I get to fight Satomi?"

"Yes."

"Yeah!" Naruto pinched the bridge of his nose.

"It is also with great pride, that I can announce that both genin are from the Village Hidden in the Leaves!" The crowd went wild again.

"Hey, hometown advantage," Naruto muttered.

"Most of these fuckers thought I was going to die on my first mission," Kaori commented. "Well, the ones who actually bothered knowing anything about the ninja in this village."

"I hope to see you all here tomorrow for the final fight of the Chunin exam!" Tsunade continued, glaring hot death at both of them out of the corner of her eye.

"What? No!" Kaori snapped. "I want to fight her now! Now! Now! Now! Now! N. . ." Naruto brought his fist down square on the top of her head. "Ow!"

"Professional, grasshopper."

"No! Fuck professional! I want to fight her now!"

"Is it too late for me to announce that she's actually one of your genin?" Tsunade asked.

"I'll fight her." All three turned and stared at the fourth person on the field that they had all forgotten about.

"What?" Tsunade asked.

"I'll fight her," Satomi repeated as she rooted around in one of the pouches on her belt and produced a soldier pill. "It's not a problem."

"Yes!" Kaori screamed. "I could kiss you!"

"Please don't say that in front of Sakura," Naruto begged.

"Really?" Tsunade asked. "Don't feel pressured by the idiot duo."

"Hey," Naruto and Kaori whined.

"A ninja cannot always choose their battlefield," Satomi said simply as she swallowed the pill. Naruto felt an eyebrow rise. The girl obviously knew she didn't have much of a chance in a fight with Kaori, so she was playing to the judges. It was a good plan.

"If you're sure," Tsunade said.

"I am." The blond knobbed and formed the hand seals again.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce that both genin have agreed to fight today." The crowd again went crazy. "I wish both genin the best of luck." She glanced back at Naruto. "Let's go." Naruto nodded and followed her up to the Kage's booth.

"What did you do?" Sakura demanded the instant the blonds arrive.

"Nothing," Naruto said.

"Bullshit! You egged them on."

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"My god, is this really happening?" Tsunade asked. The former teammates had the good grace to look embarrassed. "While Kaori demonstrated her usual exuberance, Satomi did agree. You can't blame Naruto."

"Thank y. . ."

"For once." Naruto let out an annoyed growl. "Now, both of you, shut up. I want to see this fight." Naruto plopped down in his seat and produced a flask.

"So, bets?"

"Kages betting of the outcome of these fights is in very poor taste," Tsunade stated.

"Ten on the Fox's," Nanbu replied, earning several stares. "What? I may hate the guy, but his student is going to win this. Booze?" Naruto nodded and handed the man his flask.

"Ten on Satomi," Sakura shot back. She frowned as she realized what she had just said. "Oh, goddamnit." She grumbled to herself and settled into her seat next to Tsunade. Naruto hid a smile as he took his flask back and stared down into the arena. The chunin instructor calmly raised his hand and dropped it, before fleeing again.

"That's becoming a habit of his," Naruto commented.

"He's a wise man," Nanbu added.

"Yeah, after this, I think I'm going to promote him," Tsunade said. "It's the least I can do. A man should only need to survive so many near deaths before he gets promoted." Kaori let out a mad cackle and the two genin charged, only to be brought up short as a man appeared between them. "Naruto!"

"He's not one of mine!" Naruto protested. "Just because something goes wrong doesn't mean you can blame me. Ask Nanbu!"

"I still blame you every time I trip trying to go to the bathroom during the night," Nanbu deadpanned.

"I am totally not ordering my academy students to rearrange your furniture while you sleep as part of their graduation exams," Naruto countered. They all stared at him. "I'm not!"

"Ladies and gentlemen!" a new voice interrupted, cutting easily through the sudden confused murmur. "I apologize for interrupting these festivities. We have come for the Nine Tailed Fox. Give it to us or you will all be destroyed." All eyes in the Kage's box turned on Naruto.

"Huh?" the blond grunted. "Oh! Akasuki. I totally, forgot about those guys. Final fight and drama queen ninja! Kisame owes me ten bucks"

"You knew?" Tsunade demanded.

"I suspected," Naruto said. "So, are you guys going to give me up?"

"I stand by the agreements set forth by our treaty," Nanbu said. "Otherwise, I would be sticking a bow on your head."

"Don't be stupid Naruto," Tsunade growled. "I'm not turning you over."

"Me neither," Mei added.

"Nobody tells me what to do!" A announced. Naruto glanced at Gaara and the redhead quirked an eyebrow.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you even had to ask." Naruto grinned.

"Well, if that's your say. . .Kaori, kill!" Down below Kaori let out a shriek that was somewhere between a giddy drunken sorority girl and a burning hyena and launched herself at the man. He had just enough time to look stoic as he blocked the girl's axe kick before the clone dissipated and the real Kaori behind him fired off a field goal kick with the man's testicles for a ball and the horizon for goalposts.

"What?" Sakura managed, still unable to believe that it was her genin down on the field.

"She was really looking forward to this fight," Naruto explained. "I think she might be a little mad it was interrupted."

"I would never have guessed," Tsunade deadpanned before forming the seals for her voice amplification technique again. "All civilians are to report to the shelters. Jonin instructors are to take their teams and provide security for the civilians. All other ninja are to report to their duty stations and prepare to defend this village." She turned to the other Kages. "Gentlemen and lady, if you would be so kind."

"Of course," Nanbu replied.

"My ninja could use a work out," A added. Mei just smiled cheerfully and Gaara nodded stoically.

"Good times!" Naruto stated.

"Thank you for your support," Tsunade said calmly before turning to Sakura. "Take your genin to the shelters."

"That might be a problem," Sakura commented as she stared down into the arena where Kaori was quite merrily jumping up and down on the man who had intruded on her fight and Satomi was just staring blankly.

"That might be a problem."

"It always is when Mister Fox or his ninja are involved," Nanbu stated.

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Why hello there. Oh, don't mind me. I'm just gonna leave this here.

That's right mother fuckers, I'm still here. I'm still alive. I'm still fucked up. Sorry for the time off. Been busy as fuck. College degree down, USMC contract done, family issues to deal with, alcohol to binge on, jobs to look for and pot to make up with. Shit. Has it been that long?

Been getting some awesome PMs from folks and been trying to reply back, but I failed a few. So, this is for all those that I failed. I'm here. This bitch is getting done. The good times are rolling. Also, to the fucker who called me the Michael Bay of fanfiction/ / /I love you. Marry me? No homo. . .maybe. What? It's not like I have any pretentions. Anything I do is going be loud and fucking entertaining. You want deep? Find someone else. You want fun and entertaining? Right here, mother fuckers!

Now, to deal with my issues offline. Updates will be monthly. I was shooting for first of the month, but obviously I already failed that. Hey, you try to update shit while keeping pressure on your dad's head wound and sitting in the ER waiting room. If you ain't ever seen a head wound; believe you me, those fuckers bleed like a stuck pig. And that shit about women dealing with blood better than men, its bullshit. Ask my mom. While you're at it, tell her that if I tell her to keep pressure on a wound with gauze, don't fucking take the gauze off so she can look at the wound.

Obviously, I've been dealing with some major shit. Family drug addictions and injured family members and being the family fucking pillar of strength and shit. Updates are gonna be slow, but they'll be scheduled. . .hopefully.

Now, you cats know you want a good story, here's one. So, I'm sprawled drunk on my buddy's couch after we got back from the shooting range (guns came first, alcohol cam second). I just packed up my rifle (an AR-15, which means I'm a bad guy in modern America) and there are a couple of disassembled pistols on the table in front of us. I happen to look up and see two cops in SWAT gear in the open doorway. So I say, "Uh, Buddy?" as I'm pushing the table away with my foot. He glances up and is on his feet before I can set down my beer. The cops try to brush past him, but my buddy was a cop apprentice and is a hard ass, so he plants himself in the doorway. Turns out they're there for his roommate, who is bat shit crazy so he lets them in. They take one look at the table and the rifle case and hands go to guns as my hands go to air. . .slowly. They walk up the stairs and bang on the door to the roommate's room, all cocky like. Then the door opens and said roommate is a six foot three Jujitsu faithful. I have never seen heavily armed men turn friendly so fast in my life.

Anyway, we got a call from him in jail a few months later. They made him get rid of his Jujitsu book because he kept crippling other prisoners.

Look, I don't care how much of a thug you are. If the new prisoner is six three, two hundred and something pounds of muscle and jabbers on about the Holy Spirit and Jujitsu in equal parts, don't try to fight him. Leave him alone or make friends with him.

Caution is the better part of valor.