Hi! Just a little one today, some soul searching...
A huge thanks to everyone so far to everyone who has read and reviewed - much, much love to you all, even to the ghost readers. I hope you're liking everything so far.

Disclaimer: Star Trek isn't mine, Charlie is.
The chapter title is taken from the Norah Jones song of the same name - not my favourite of hers, but it's classic Norah, I suppose.

Enjoy!


She'd tried over the course of three years to find her place in Starfleet. To figure out where she belonged and with whom, the path that she wanted to take, career-wise. Sure, Charlie Houston could run an illegal scam with barely a bat of her eyelid, but there wasn't a career in that... at least, there wasn't a class that she could take for it.

She had never feared anything within Starfleet, not even when she had arrived on campus not knowing a soul or caring that she was unknowingly stepping into a legacy left by her father and his cohorts, not even when she'd seen fleet ships stagger back with their significantly culled crews injured and tales of fights with the Klingons and Romulans getting whispered around campus.

She had never been scared of walking into an exam, she'd stared down her lecturers and yelled at her tutors from across the classroom when debates got heated, she'd fearlessly argued with people whose experiences in space exploration were noted and renowned throughout the galaxy... and won some of those arguments. Whilst Charlie's classes kept her in the top 99% of her class, she still felt as though she was floundering and after graduation, she would be at a loss for where to go.

Their Cadet years were something that passed by in the blink of an eye and suddenly the long afternoons stuck inside a lecture theatre or linguistics lab, nights spent at the local bar, up late doing assignments and causing havoc didn't seem so drawn outas they had three years ago. Well, four for some. But now the time to make those hard decisions had arrived and though they should have been cut and dry, getting her head around the thoughts and believing that they were actually there, were actual offers was a whole other ballgame.

They'd all inherited responsibilities that none of them felt ready for, they had all become people they weren't sure they wanted to be. Nero had killed an entire planet and a fleet of ships within an hour with almost all of that hour to spare but his damage had gone beyond the genocide of Vulcan and the slaughter of the Starfleet rescue crews, it had left scars to those who had survived, changed them into people who looked at the galaxy now not as their playground but through jaded eyes that now understood that their actions kept them on knifes edge on a daily basis.

What would she do if the next time, they weren't so lucky? Could she handle losing Jim in front of her eyes? Bones? Sulu, Chekov, Scotty or Uhura?

Could she handle letting them out there without her?

Bones and Jim, for all of their bravado reminded her of the Lost Boys from an old Earth story, Peter Pan. The two men in her life were Lost Boys and she was their Wendy Darling, cleaning up and making sure that they stayed in line. It took a certain swagger and a certain cockiness to be a Captain or a Chief Medical Officer and both of her boys had it in spades, both cock sure and arrogant but crawling to her with their ailments, their problems, their true selves and although she would never admit it, Charlie enjoyed that. She was their last line of defence.

A night of soul searching, a night of sifting through her thoughts with a mixture of tears running down her cheeks at times, laughing to herself in others and a few conversations to herself aloud and she knew not just where she needed to be but exactly what she wanted.

***

Bones' patient load was starting to clear from recent events and though he was glad, it was a sure sign that things were moving on. Slowly, the remaining senior class were starting to filter back to campus, looking tired but not as fragile, looking fearful of the halls that now had a haunted feel to them.

He should take Jim's offer. Christ almighty, if that idiot was going to be in charge of the fleet's pride with that infant Russian behind the wheel, they'd need a Doctor who would be able to wrangle Jim into Medical rather than let him shirk it like he tried. At that, Bones rubbed his temples – he'd finally managed to get Jim into Medical, only a couple of weeks later than he needed. Sure, his depraved need to play the hero role stemmed from deep seeded daddy issues, but if Bones was to take on CMO duties, especially on the Enterprise, then he needed to push that aside and stab Jim with every hypo needed before Jim realised that he actually needed it.

He shouldn't take the offer - he had Aviaphobia. Sure, three years at the Academy had pretty much cleared that right up, but someone who had to be threatened into a seat on the shuttle way back in the backwaters of Iowa by a woman a quarter of his size should not be the Chief Medical Officer of the largest ship in the Federation fleet. That was absurd.

He should take the offer – it was a job that every other Doctor wanted. But did he? Sure, the idea of constantly being busy and discovering new corners of the galaxy was surprisingly intruging and the new discoveries that he could make, the cures that he could find – that aspect had him hook line and sinker. Just because he had never thought about being a ship's CMO, that didn't mean that it wasn't a good idea. He had never thought about enrolling in Starfleet, but drunkenly scribbling down his signature was the smartest move that he had ever made and hell, he had never thought about getting married and then divorced, but those were the direct events leading to his enlisting so in a bizarrely twisted way, he was thankful to the ungrateful wench he had stupidly married for making him miserable on land.

He was a new man; a changed man. He should take it.

Then there was the whole Charlie issue. He knew that she hadn't taken Jim's offer on the spot; Bones didn't expect her to, but the thought of being at opposite ends of the galaxy to her made his face cloud. Would she mind being at the opposite end of the galaxy should he take Jim's offer and she didn't? Because that mere thought churned his stomach.

Two nights ago at the bar, she had avoided him like the plague, though she hadn't really been of sound mind and he supposed that his trying to explain Nancy's presence and being interrupted by Lily hadn't gone down too well. But did she remember any of the night? His gut told him that yes, she did... he let out a long sigh and stared up at the ceiling. They'd been at the point of no return since he had kissed her on the Enterprise and now things were not only past no return, they were past the point of ridiculousness.

He'd held himself back from her so many times by now that it was like a second nature. For every step forward, take one back. Both emotionally and physically, determined to keep the facade up, determined to maintain their friendship that had fallen so easily into place.

Between their friends and whatever dramas were plaguing them over the past three years; whenever they were together was when Bones and Charlie were at their best. With widely ranged opinions and matching sarcastic tongues, they could devour anything that was thrown, just not each other.

He sighed and sat up, feeling the blood flow back to his feet from being propped up on the messy desk as his PADD chimed, the sound making him cringe – usually, it meant more work, a soul-sucking meeting or worse, paperwork being requested. If he really was a changed man then he needed to start acting like it, acting like an adult and not some love-sick teenager and he nodded to himself as he read the message sent to him from a Chancellor whose face he couldn't remember, groaning aloud.

It was an invite to celebrate the recent promotions doled out within Starfleet which had occurred all across the board. Hell, should he take Jim's offer Bones would be included in that group – which made his eyebrows rise. Damn it, the invite was merely a formality; there would be no getting out of it. Just freaking great, exactly what he needed.

Taking a deep breath, he pushed himself from his chair and set about typing a message to Jim when one came through from the same man, whining about the function – clearly Jim Kirk's reign as Captain wouldn't involve a whole lot of meet and greets, Bones thought sarcastically. On the up side, Charlie would be in attendance...

One step forward, zero steps back. He was thinking about the future now, it was time to get his affairs in order.

***

Charlie watched as the first year Cadets from the class that she was teaching for Archer filed out, pinching the bridge of her nose. She'd had something resembling the pain of an axe in her skull for the past 24 hours and if the infirmary hadn't housed a certain gorgeous Doctor, she would have gone, flopped over a bio bed and demanded that she have a lobotomy or whatever was needed to make the pain go away.

In the back of her mind she could hear Gaila's chirpy voice telling her to 'get laid!' as she did whenever one of the girls was ailing – the Orion's magical cure for everything. Though this time, Charlie had a feeling that the girl, as warped as she had been, was right. Though her cure was selective of course, not just any random, just any one night stand would cure her.

"Goddamn Pon Farr," She muttered to herself, snickering slightly at the parallels as she gathered her things, her loudly beeping PADD making her jump when it went off in her palm. A cocktail party, in honour of the recently promoted officers. In other words, an excuse to drink and kiss hierarchy ass. Fantastic.

However, she needed to clear the air with Bones and a public venue would be the best option – nothing could be thrown, yelled or torn off with their dignities (and ranks) intact.

Already, it was shaping up to be a very interesting night.


Author's Notes: Like I said, only a 'lil one for now!

Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter: Skatinggirl2011, ayachan1412, WinchesterWench, High Queen Crystal, Goats for rent, PinkTribeChick, Raxsah003, crystalclear8050, Yayyou, Rossi's Lil Devil, Canna, Larxenethefirefly and Ac Collins, really, I know that you probably roll your eyes at this - but reviews really do make my day. :)

And to High Queen Crystal, PinkTribeChick, crystalclear8050 and WinchesterWench for your PM's - much love again!! :)

Reviews are greatly appreciated!!
Xx