AN: I have no notes, it's nearly 3AM. Such is my dedication to my lovely readers. ENJOY!

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Snape and his team had been trailing Bellatrix for weeks, and they had done so on Harry's order, without informing anyone else. They reported to him, and only to him. Their information coupled with that from the spies inside the Death Eaters was what had told Harry he could find Bellatrix LeStrange apparating back to her home, no earlier than seven no later than ten, every Friday night. Harry stood only a few meters away from the gates of the LeStrange mansion, half a step back from where the wards began. And he waited. He smoked a cigarette and thought about how Remus' nagging had gotten worse since their conversation in the kitchen. It was almost as if Remus thought that by suffocating Harry with care and concern, it would stop the things that had to come, and Harry let him do it, because he knew it helped the other man some.

Sirius hadn't spoken to him for a long time after he came down from Alex's room. Remus had taken his leave after an unbearable thirty minutes of tense silence. Sirius stared at Harry and Harry stared back in defiance, but he couldn't shake the words Sirius had said. I may be fucked up, Harry, but I know what I live for. You…surrounded by people who love you, need you, and would do anything for you…you don't have a goddamn clue.

Those words had shaken Harry to his core. Sirius had left after that and slept in Alex's room. Harry had sat up late into the night staring at the timeline on his wall. Knowing, and hating, that Sirius was right. He knew nothing of life, even when he was a child and was full of hope and eagerness, some part of him had known that he was only living to die. It had not changed when he was thrust back in time, and back into another war, in to another fight to the death. That was all two-days ago, and the house was tense with Alex and Sirius' silence and Remus' constant care-taking, and Harry did not know what to do about it. So he had moved forward, and he had decided to finish this war, and sort the rest out later. He had decided that it was time he stopped pushing away the things he had to do, simply because he didn't like the thought of doing them.

He glanced at his watch and dropped his cigarette to the ground. It was coming up on ten o'clock. Suddenly, there was the crack of apparition and Harry brought his wand up swiftly as the form took shape, he caught the startled half-crazed eyes of Bellatrix that were illuminated as the bright green light as it shot toward her. She didn't have time to reach for her wand, and her scream never made it out as she fell to the ground. Harry stood for a minute and then tucked his wand into his pocket and stepped closer to her. He looked down at the woman, who was far younger and perhaps slightly more sane than he had ever seen her. He could draw no sympathy, there was a part of himself that wept in guilt and remorse, but outwardly he was cold and unreadable.

"I meant it this time."

Harry said in a whisper before he raised his wand in a wide arc over his head. Blue-white sparks rained down and Harry watched as they traced the outlines of the magic that had recently been performed. The straight line of his curse and the burst of magic that was her apparition were illuminated and then disappeared. It was like wiping away fingerprints, or washing your hands of blood.

Harry turned and walked twenty paces before he apparated without looking back.

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He couldn't say how long he sat outside on the stairs, but he couldn't bring himself to go in. He could hear the loud and vibrant laughter coming from a window that was left slightly open just off the kitchen. Harry knew that if the window was open, it meant that Lily was baking. Which meant that everyone was there. Hearing the laughter and James' loud 'storytelling' voice left Harry with a sense of loneliness and isolation that he felt was wholly appropriate. This is where he belonged, out here. He did not belong there embraced in their love, he was nothing but a traveler, a straddler of time. He was nothing, and everything to no one and everyone.

He lit another cigarette and looked down the empty street. There were days, there were moments, when he wished that he had been born an unknowing muggle and that this had been someone else's war. Bellatrix's eyes haunted him, as Peter's had done. And he wept inside as he let the grief tear down another wall of safety he had created.

Harry did not look up when Sirius stumbled out the door laughter still on his lips as he attempted to light a cigarette and throwing words over his shoulder, "Bloody Hell! Moony. I'm outside, yea?"

Harry said nothing as he heard Sirius exhale or when the man dropped down on the stairs next to him.

"I assume it's done then?" Sirius said and there was a cold edge to his voice that made Harry want to scream at him, he didn't know, he couldn't possibly understand.

"Yes." Harry stood on the word, and moved away from Sirius and down into the street. He didn't turn in either direction, he had nowhere else to go.

"I should thank you, I imagine the goblins will send notice in the morning," Sirius drew and there was a striking similarity between his tone and the one he had so often heard from Lucius Malfoy that Harry's defenses were raised.

He turned and looked at Sirius, "Don't judge me for this. Judge me for anything else, but do not judge me for this."

Whether it was the desperate whisper or the plea of the words that did it, Harry didn't know, but Sirius' demeanor changed suddenly and yet gracefully. Concern laced its way into the silver of his eyes and he nodded, "All right, Harry. All right."

Harry fought desperately to remain strong in the face of his crumbling façade, to hold tightly to the strength the knowledge of the future provided to him. And, yet, it was not enough. Despite the lives he knew he had saved by taking this one, the disease of murder was sweeping through him at a rapid pace and Harry felt ill, he felt contaminated. And regardless of Sirius' soft words, he collapsed to his knees in the street, reveling in the pain that shot through his leg as his left knee hit the concrete hard. He struggled to maintain his breathing and to block out the memories that swam into his mind, Bellatrix LeStrange and every person she had ever murdered. But he could not hold it off, he could not escape it and it washed over him and he was gasping for air that his body didn't think he deserved.

Strong arms came around him, and Harry clucked Sirius' shirtsleeves tightly between his fingers.

"So…sorry…" Harry gasped and the arms tightened his grip.

"Breathe, Harry." Sirius said, his voice was commanding and yet gentle. Harry continued to fight for air and Sirius spoke again. "It isn't that you killed her, or even Peter that I hate. It's this, it rips you apart inside to do it, and I cannot stand to see you this way.

White spots appeared at the edge of Harry's vision and he recalled the last time this had happened to him.

"Hit me…" Harry's voice was weak and forced out in two rushes of air.

"No." Sirius said and turned Harry to face him, Harry's eyes met the silver-grey of Sirius'. "Breathe."

Harry rested his head on Sirius' chest and felt the gentle motion of the other man's breathing. Slowly he forced his own body to match the rhythm of Sirius'.

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The next morning the headlines screamed out at Harry as he drank his morning coffee. Every story on the front page was about Bellatrix LeStrange, or Sirius.

BELLATRIX LESTRANGE FOUND MURDERED IN FRONT OF HER HOME

AUROR SIRIUS BLACK TO INHERIT EVERYTHING, NO LEADS ON LESTRANGE'S KILLER

SIRIUS BLACK NOW MOST WEALTHY WIZARD IN BRITAIN

BLACK NOT CONSIDERED SUSPECT IN LESTRANGE MURDER

Sirius came down to the kitchen and came up behind Harry, kissing his neck and he looked over his shoulder to the paper. He let out a soft whistle.

"Merry Christmas." Sirius said and Harry only nodded. Sirius plucked the paper from Harry's hands. "You making breakfast then?"

Harry smiled and got up from the table. "Lily, James, and Toby are coming over. I'm waiting for them."

Harry poured Sirius a cup of coffee and set it in front of him as Remus came down the stairs looking tired and pale.

"Hey, Rem." Harry said and Remus only grunted in reply. Harry laughed. "That time of the month is it?"

Harry only just ducked to avoid the slipper that sailed in his direction.

"Is Alex awake?" Harry asked as he put a kettle on for Remus' tea.

"He was still in his room when I came down." Remus said quietly. Harry looked over at Sirius who met his eyes and shook his head.

"Sirius please go ask him to come down." Harry said turning back to the kitchen.

"You need to talk to him, work this out." Sirius said and continued to read the paper. Harry sighed and raised his eyes to the ceiling.

"But--." Harry started but Remus interrupted him.

"Oh just go face the music you big ponce." Remus bit out and Sirius started to laugh but stopped abruptly with one look from Harry.

"Fine." Harry threw the towel he was holding onto the counter, "Then you can make your own tea."

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Harry knocked on the door, and when there was no response pushed it open.

Alex was sitting on the bed, a book in his hands, but Harry could tell he wasn't reading it.

"Alex…" Harry started but the boy didn't respond, he flipped a page angrily. "Alex…talk to me."

Alex shook his head, and Harry sat down on the bed taking the book from his hands and set it aside.

"Alex, I'm sorry." Harry said.

Alex looked up at Harry and finally began moving his hands. You're just going to die, then. You're just going to leave. And then they won't know what to do with me.

Harry sighed. "Alex, I shouldn't have said what I did. I didn't mean it. I just want this all to be over, I want us all to be safe."

I want you to be safe, and Sirius, Rem, and Lily and James. Harry could see Alex's heart breaking in his eyes.

"I know you do, lil bro." Harry said. "But, if we don't fight, lots of people will get hurt." Harry said resting his hand on Alex's small shoulder. "Like Adam Terry, he's muggleborn, we're fighting to protect him and his family."

Alex let out an exasperated sigh. Why do you get to always know what to say and be right?

Harry laughed, "I'm not always right, just ask Remus."

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Thirteen Death Eaters currently imprisoned in Azkaban were now markless. Harry had been practicing the unbinding spell and now felt as though he had a good handle on it. Toby and Remus were working with him on building up all of his magic and then being able to direct it all in a great force. In their practice they were having Harry blow things up in the Room of Requirement, and what Harry found was that regardless of how many times he practiced he always felt completely drained afterwards and could not even manage a simple lumos spell.

"Why am I not building up a tolerance for this?" Harry asked weakly as Sirius settled him in a chair after he and Remus had retuned from one of their sessions.

Remus sat down across from him and gave him a small smile, "Because you're never going to develop more magic. The strength of your magic is set at age eleven, which is why that is the age children begin their schooling. From that point on it's all about focus."

Sirius set plates in front of Remus and Harry, both who looked at the food with close scrutiny and Sirius huffed.

"Oh come off it. Lily cooked tonight before they took Alex out to the muggle cinema." He said flippantly and returned to the kitchen to retrieve their drinks.

Remus laughed out right, but Harry didn't have the energy.

"We aren't trying to make you more powerful, we're trying to take your magic and help you control it better, focus it like sharpening a blade."

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Harry had taken a shower and returned to his and Sirius' room, he found the other man sitting up in bed waiting for him. Harry took towel from around his waist and turned to get dressed but Sirius' words stopped him.

"You're bloody gorgeous you know." Harry turned and smiled at him, his body already responding to Sirius' voice, which was deep and warm.

"You're not half-bad yourself." Harry sauntered to the bed and climbed up on top of Sirius.

Harry pressed his lips down against the other man's and the other man groaned before flipping Harry over on to the bed, pressing their bodies together.

Sirius put his hands on either side of Harry's head smoothing down the still-wet hair. "I don't know how to go about breaking down all these walls you've got up between us, and I'm not sure you even want me to."

Harry rolled his lips into his mouth and closed his eyes. "It isn't a matter of want, this is just how I am, how I've come to be because of the things I've been through. Give me time."

Sirius looked at Harry for a long time before dipping his head and kissing him deeply, Harry loved the way Sirius tasted, like cigarettes and firewhiskey, chocolate and cinnamon. He loved the warmth of Sirius' body, and the safety of his embrace.

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Harry was helping Alex with the last of his packing, when he heard a loud crash from down stairs. Alex looked up startled and signed a gesture to Harry, who gave him a stern look in reply.

"Just because you aren't saying it out loud, doesn't make it any less of a bad word." Harry said and shook his head at the young boy's silent laughter. "Finish this up, everyone's coming over for breakfast tomorrow and I don't want to be rushing around in the morning like a mad person."

Harry caught Alex's eye-roll as he made his way out the door and sighed in exasperation. He made his way down the stairs and glanced into the living room seeing Lily muttering a reparo spell on a vase she had knocked over.

"Lil.." Harry spoke and Lily jumped as she turned to him. Her face was red and blotchy tears streaming uncontrolled down her face.

"Harry…I'm sorry…I didn't…I…I didn't know where else to go." Her voice was heavy with sadness and her breathing came out in short gasps. Harry walked over to her and pulled in her to a tight hug.

"Lily, what's the matter?" Harry said concern in his voice knowing Sirius was working the night shift, but James should be home. A deep fear came into him as Lily's sobbing escalated.

"It's…James and I have had a fight….and I just…" Lily took a deep and seemingly painful breath.

"All right, all right. Come into the kitchen I'll make you some tea." He said taking her hand and leading her to the kitchen.

After Harry had made the tea he handed it to Lily and sat down next to her at the table. She took a couple sips, and while the occasional tear still slipped out she seemed to have calmed a bit.

"What happened, Lil?" Harry asked holding her hand in his. "You and James hardly ever fight anymore."

"I know…I didn't expect…" Lily said and then drifted off into another silence as she drank some more tea.

"Lily…" Harry said softly after awhile. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Lily took a deep breath and looked at Harry. Harry's mind was reeling with the things that could have possibly have went wrong, his mind went to the worst possible scenarios but he did not expect the words that she said next.

"I'm pregnant." Her voice was low and quiet, and there was a shame there that Harry didn't understand.

The words sunk in and Harry's whole world came to a screeching halt. In his mind all he could think was, it's too soon. For a moment he didn't respond and Lily burst into to tears again. Harry pulled her to him immediately.

"I'm sorry, Lil. I just, I wasn't expecting that. But that's good news, right?" Harry said, "Why has it got you so upset?"

"James…he…I told him, and I expected…him to be happy, but he just…" Lily took another deep breath. "He yelled at me, and said that we could not have a baby now…what with the war, and how could we bring a child into this. And he said he thought we were being careful, and that I was supposed to be taking the potion. And I told him I had been, but that even that isn't 100%. He insisted that it was my fault."

Lily's tears were wetting the front of Harry's shirt, and Harry felt the worst kind of anger well up inside of him.

"He told me that I should go and get it taken care of." Lily said her voice barely a whisper, "This is our baby, Harry. He doesn't want our baby."

Harry held her and comforted her for a long time before he took her to the spare room and made up a bed for her. He set her to sleep before checking that Alex had finished packing and setting him to sleep as well. He pulled on his cloak and stepped into the floo.

"Potter Home."

Harry stepped out of the floo, and was unsurprised to find Sirius and Remus sitting with James in the kitchen of the cottage. He stood in the doorway and they three looked up at him.

"I hope you are quite pleased with yourself." Harry said and his voice was cold, Sirius looked at him with a warning that Harry chose to ignore.

James' head snapped up and there was malice in his voice when he spoke, "You don't know what the hell you're talking about."

"Don't I?" Harry asked matching James' tone. "I just set Lily up in the spare bedroom, she was still crying when I left and clutching a damned t-shirt of yours she found in one of the drawers."

Silence fell on the room and Harry was glad to see a look of desperate guilt cross James' features.

"How could you tell her to 'get it taken care of'?" Harry spit out and he noticed Sirius and Remus were taken aback by the words. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Sirius and Remus remained silent and the color seemed to have drained from their faces as they looked at James with what bordered on disgust.

"You don't understand!" James yelled. "We can't have this baby! This war…it's too dangerous! I'm hardly here as it is. She wouldn't be able to protect herself!"

Remus surprised them all by slamming a heavy fist on the table. "You bloody insensitive ASS!"

James flinched at the words as well as the tone.

"She is your wife, that is your child. How dare…" Remus shook his head and stood. "This is by far the most despicable thing you have ever done."

Remus moved to where Harry stood, "I'm going to pack some things for Lily, I'll see you at the house later."

Sirius was stunned and Harry could see the conflict of outrage and loyalty that was rising in his features.

"You need to go to her, James. You need to apologize." Sirius' voice was calm and even. "You need to make this right."

James shook his head. "No, we can't have this baby. It isn't right. We can't…"

Harry cut him off, "I am offering Lily her old room back, if she accepts, I suggest you think long and hard about the decision you are making right now, and when you come to your senses you figure out how you are going to fix things, but until then, stay the hell away from her and my home."

Harry turned to leave and gave one last glance to Sirius, "You coming?"

Sirius sent James one last hopeless and unsure look, before he stood and followed Harry out.

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That night, there were four people in the spare bedroom while the two others remained completely empty. They were all in their pajamas and cuddled closely together under the blankets. Remus lay on Lily's right, one arm flung over her waist, Lily lay facing Harry who was on her right, and one of her hands was linked with Sirius' across Harry's waist. None of them were sleeping, save for Lily who had finally cried herself to sleep.

Harry met Remus's eyes over Lily's tiny form.

"I hope James comes to his senses soon." Remus said quietly.

"He will." Sirius said with only the tiniest waver of unsurity.

"If he doesn't, she has us, and we will do whatever we can for her." Harry said and Remus nodded, Harry felt Sirius do the same.

"This war is destroying everything." Sirius spoke again after awhile.

Harry sighed, "The culture of war is fear, the nature of love is trust, those two things do not easily intertwine."

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James did not come to his senses soon, and Lily had all-but moved into Mercer House. She and Harry had gone while James was sure to be at work and taken the rest of the things she'd thought she'd need. Remus was back at work at the Institute, Alex had returned to school, and Sirius returned to working day shifts, so Lily and Harry spent a great deal of time alone at the house. Harry shared with her the upcoming plans for the attack on Voldemort's hideout and she turned out to be a fantastic strategist. It was late one afternoon, over cookies and milk that Lily came up with an idea that would change the way the war was fought forever.

They sat at the kitchen table, with maps and photographs laid out in front of them.

"I hate to send anyone in there, even with the maps we have no idea what to expect." Harry said rubbing his eyes.

Lily looked thoughtful for a minute and then there was a spark in her eyes that had been missing since she had left James. "Oh my god. I've got it."

Harry looked at her, "What?"

"Muggles!" Lily nearly shouted. "It's so perfect, if we can get it to work…we'd have to ask Remus and Toby, and find someone who had knowledge about this kind of thing…I wonder.."

"Lily…I'm about fifty steps behind you here, what are you talking about?" Harry said lightly.

"Bombs." She said and Harry's eyes widened. "Magical bombs."

Harry sat back in the chair and stared at her, "That's a whole lot of killing."

Lily shook her head, "No, think about it, if we can somehow contain something like a stunning spell in a bomb device so that when we set it off they're all just stunned. Then all we have to do is go in and collect them."

Harry tapped his chin for a moment before shaking his head, "You're brilliant."

Lily beamed and Harry's heart melted. "Alright shall we call and get the nerds excited?" she asked.

"Lets do."

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01-10-79

Brother,

School is strange now, everything seems to be kind of sad. I don't know how to explain it. Adam Terry took sign classes over the holiday though, how wicked is that! He said he signed up at Mungo's just after I wrote to tell him what happened. He doesn't hardly talk out loud anymore and it's driving the teachers absolutely mad!

We have a new Divination teacher, I guess Dumbles hired her over the holidays. She's a strange woman, today in class she nearly fainted when she saw 'the grim' in Adam Terry's cup of tea leaves. I looked at it but I thought it was a mushroom. I think Uncle Moony is right and divination is total rubbish. But it's easy enough. I decided next class period I'm going to say that I see illness in my future and skive off class and go visit the house elves.

How is Aunt Lily? Is she still staying at Mercer? Tell her if she has time, to write to me. I miss you all so much, and Hogwarts is lonely without my favorite teacher.

Tell Sirius that I have a question for him about a spell that makes people sing love songs to their worst enemies. I can't quite figure it out.

Love you

Alex (the greatest)

PS: I am maybe dating a girl.

PPS: Don't be too mad if you get a note from McGonagall…I swear she has it all wrong anyways.

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Harry set the letter aside and made his way outside. He settled himself on the steps and lit a cigarette. Trelawney was at Hogwarts, which meant that Dumbledore had already heard the prophecy. Lily was pregnant, and so was Narcissa. He shook his head, wondering how it seemed that he had pressed fast-forward on these events. There had to have been a trigger, a single event that caused the rest of these, but Harry could not pinpoint it and it frustrated him to no end.

But they were going to have to move, and soon. Severus had informed him that there was to be an initiation ceremony for the Death Eaters in a week. Lily, Remus, and Toby had recruited Arthur Weasley to work with them on building a magic bomb. Harry was getting regular updates, and so far they had made very little headway. Apparently they kept exploding things, instead of simply releasing the stunning spell.

Harry had gotten near to the point of simply blasting the damn evil bastards away. But he knew, his conscience would never survive it, and neither probably would their cause. There were lines to be drawn, and this was where Harry drew his.

Two days ago he had gone with Sirius to Gringotts and they were able to locate the cup. Harry had taken it to Dumbledore and watched as it was destroyed. The last of the horcruxes, now it was only an army of Death Eaters, and significant amounts of dark magic that stood between Voldemort and death.

Harry took another drag off of his cigarette and nearly dropped it in surprise when he saw James crossing the street toward him. Harry remained seated as James approached.

"Hi…" James said tentatively, he looked like hell. Dark circles hung heavily below his eyes, his hair was disheveled in a tired way, and he looked pale and drawn.

"James." Harry said with a slight nod in the man's direction.

"Is she…" James said looking up at the house.

"She's at the Institute with Remus and Toby." Harry said and James nodded.

"How is she?" James asked not meeting Harry's eyes.

"Still pregnant, if that's what you're after." Harry's voice came out far colder than he had intended, and James flinched as if struck.

"No, I…is she okay?" He asked quietly.

"As well as can be expected." Harry said tossing the cigarette out into the street. "What did you come here for?"

"I just wanted to make sure she's okay." James said his eyes still on the ground, Harry sighed.

"If you want to come in and wait…she'll be home in an hour or so." Harry offered as pleasantly as he could manage, but James shook his head jerkily.

"No…no…I…I can't." He stuttered out and then turned and walked down the street.

"James!" Harry called after him but the man didn't turn.

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The team stood hidden in the trees watching as Death Eaters apparated and then disappeared into the wards at Voldemort's headquarters. James was leading a team of fliers armed with the bombs Lily, Remus and Toby had developed with the help of Arthur. They had completely forgone any direct comparison to muggle bombs, and instead captured and encased the power of magnified stunning spells inside a circular shield that was timed. The shields were also armored by adjusted blasting spells that would allow them to fall through the castle's walls with an absurd ease. Snape and his team were spread widely around the perimeter, ready to move in on Harry's signal. Beside him stood Toby and Remus ready to trigger the spells. Sirius stood in front of Harry as he spoke.

"All right, the initiation is supposed to begin at seven-thirty." Harry said in a whisper. Your team has twenty minutes to take down the wards. You have got to be careful not to trigger them, once you're finished send up your signal and James will move in."

Sirius nodded and signaling his team with a silent gesture. Harry watched as twenty black-clad forms sprinted in the direction of the castle. They fanned out at the edge of the wards and Harry could see the quick movements of their wands, even from the distance. He turned to James.

"Get in the air as quickly as possible following Sirius' signal, you have no more than five minutes to make the drop. Make sure the fliers drop and get the hell away from there. We don't know what the force from the spells will look like." James nodded and Harry turned to Remus. "As soon as you get the all clear from James, trigger the spells, and then I'll signal Severus to go in and collect."

Remus nodded and they lapsed into silence watching Sirius' team work. After a tense fifteen minutes bright red sparks flew out from Sirius' wand and Harry could see them sprinting back towards the forest as a large, and ominous castle flickered into being in place of the façade provided by the wards. James shouted to his team and they kicked off, holding the magical spheres under their arms. Harry watched as the fliers became tiny specks in the sky and then began to swoop down making drops, he felt some of his tension ebb as Sirius returned to his side. Remus and Toby raised their wands the instant the blue sparks shot up just twenty meters to the left of the castle. They shouted loudly a string of words and suddenly there came a rushing and all encompassing white light that shot out and seemed to drown them all. Everything became eerily silent, as if nature itself had recognized this burst of magic and shrunk back from the force of it. The ground shuddered silently beneath them and Harry felt Sirius' hand reach out and steady him as he stumbled, he raised his arm to shield his eyes from the brightness that seemed to last forever, as quickly as the light came it disappeared seemingly sucked back down into the castle. Harry raised his wand and a shower of orange sparks fell down around him.

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All I want for Christmas is a few reviews, a few reviews…