This is who we are.

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, Higher Ground, the quotes etc. if I do own anything I'll let you know…

Spoilers: none.

AN/ I'm totally making up JJ's age in this chap (AJ is nearly 30- but totally looks 20), lol.

Thanks to:
SLITH- I'm glad it makes sense, lol, and it would be easier... how do you tell someone that? Especially when they have known you as someone else. But it makes for dramatic writing, hehe, totally my thing!!
Ghostwriter- you always make sure to review, I like that. lol
JJ-Reid-01- I'm glad you like (or love, as I proudly heard/read) lol.
Carla-Leigh- me too, even more so coz it's my doing... but its dark and dramatic. Lol, and you start getting an idea in this chap.
Enchanting Phoenix- I keep having these weird dreams about Scott and JJ meet again during a case, and he is a huge football star and stuff. Haha, so it's always a possibility.
ReidsLuvr93- aww really? Don't cry... or maybe do cry... I'm not sure, I know I nearly cry when I write these chaps, but I guess they are an outlet, so it's meant to be like that.
Forget my name.is that bad?- that sucks, I would be very annoyed, especially if I couldn't get to my story... have you contacted the site or anything. Well anyway, I'm getting attached to forget my name, lol.
Dakotawind- lol, you made me blush, and smile. Such a sweet thing, and its lovely to hear, hehe, and I'm glad you like it. And I've noticed JJ and Emily are like joined at the hip in all the post-strike eps, which is really cute...
lrigD- lol, I love that you think it fits, and Hotch is such a sweetie at heart... and def see Higher Ground if you can. Haha, yes I have to agree with you about the interpunction and spelling, courtesy of a public school education... just kidding. It's probably because I tend to do a lot of free writing, to express emotions and thought and stuff, and the dots and comers are just pauses in my train of thought, I really need to get out of it, it's a bad habit. Wow, Dutch, I've never met (or spoken to) a Dutch person before. Anyway, ignore my marvel at the wide world of the internet. No way was your review boring, I absolutely LOVE long raving reviews, and I do intend to continue this story, as long as my imagination permits...

For your great and inspiring reviews. Seriously, reviews make every writers day!!

Chapter 29
Records

Betrayal is the only truth that sticks.
Arthur Miller

CMCMCM

"Are you sure we should be doing this?" Emily asked as Garcia typed away at her laptop.

"We need to know" Garcia replied in the same inattentive way she had been for the last few minutes.

"Maybe we don't… Hotch said she was abused by him when she was younger, maybe that's all we need to know…"

"He also said he felt she was still holding back"

"Wouldn't you?" Emily said, frowning at Garcia's un-Garcia-like behavior.

"It's not me we're talking about. Look, JJ's my best friend, I've known her for years, and the fact that she felt she couldn't tell me this, well… I know it's going to be big, but I need to know, so I can help her… so I can help understand her…I can't just let this go" Garcia pleaded, hoping she would understand, she knew Emily and JJ were close too.

"I… we're helping her, right?" Emily asked again, having a very bad feeling about what they were doing.

"Of course we're helping her, how else are we going to convince her we're ok with her past?" Garcia replied. Emily couldn't disagree with her logic, but she couldn't rid the nagging feeling in her stomach either, something wasn't right.

"What if we find something we don't want to know?" she asked suddenly

"Like what? Whatever we find is going to be bad, she wouldn't have held back if it wasn't… we just need to be prepared for that" Garcia replied with more logic. Emily couldn't help noticing the sudden role change; she was usually the logical one.

"I guess you're right" she said hesitantly.

"Course I am, I'm always right" She answered confidently, but Emily was worried. This was the time for right or wrong, this wasn't some case, this was JJ…

"I'm starting the search…now!" Garcia announced, looking intently at her computer screen.

"What have you found?" Emily asked after a few minutes, the silence making her more nervous.

"Born 22nd July 1981, her sister, Jess, a year and a half later… parents divorced when she was five, mother remarried when she was seven, attended local public schools, etc etc… here we go" she said stopping suddenly.

"What?"

"When she was 16 she was enrolled at Mt. Horizon High School"

"What about it?" Emily asked, not understanding the significance.

"Well it just sounds…"

"Wait a minute, in Pittsburgh I remember JJ and her mother… talking… about sending her away, to Horizon… at the time I didn't-but now…" Emily tried to explain, recalling the argument clearly.

"You think it's the same place…"

"It has to be… but what is it?"

"Um, ok, Mt. Horizon, school for… at risk teens" Garcia announced, slightly disturbed by the information "At risk?"

"Makes sense, considering what happened with her stepfather…"

"At risk? Why don't they just call them delinquents and get it over with…" Garcia said cynically.

"Garcia!" Emily said disappointed with her sudden small-mindedness "you knew you weren't going to like what you found…"

"Yeah… but it's different actually… seeing it" she replied sadly. Emily could tell she regretted it, she herself regretted it, but every new piece of information was connecting the dots in her head, making sense of what she had heard… part of her was glad they had done it, regardless of what they found.

"I know, but we need to find out more about this school… do you think you can access her records?" Emily asked gently

"If they have them on a server anywhere I will find them" she replied confidently, she was back in her element.

"And until we find out more… we don't share this with anyone, got it?"

"… but shouldn't we tell the others?"

"Not until we know what we are dealing with"

"Alright, it's our little secret"

"How are the records coming?"

"It may take some time, you should rest, I'll wake you when I find something" Garcia replied busily, turning away so she couldn't see what she was doing.

"You wake me the second you find anything"

"Yes doll" Garcia replied.

Emily noted her distractedness, but chose to ignore it, figuring she would get faster results. Now all she had to do was get a little more sleep…

Her tiredness overwhelmed her the second her head hit the pillow, pulling her into a restless, nightmarish, sleep. She had known it would happen, she knew the second she closed her eyes it would all come back, the sounds, the smells…the fear. She had tried not to think about what happened, the panic and fear that coursed through her the second he came through the door, and the adrenaline and training that temporarily disguised it. But now it was all gone, all that was left were the memories, and fear.

The seconds played out over and over in her mind, every detail relived, over and over. She remembered the moment she realized he was more than an intruder, he was a monster, her monster. She hated the moments that JJ gave him control of, submitting like a small scared child, and hated even more the haunted look in her eyes when she saw him, but most of all she hated the way he looked at JJ. She hated the reaction he got, the power he had over her, and the fear he caused. But mostly, she hated him. She hated him for hurting her, for terrorizing her, and for touching her. She hated him because of what he did to her, and what he reminded her of… She just hated him.

There were two moments that kept playing over in her mind, whether she was asleep or not. The first was the look on JJ's face as she went down, a look she now attributed to being shot but at the time didn't understand. It was slightly comforting to know she cared so much, or more likely to have proof that she cared, at least in her own mind. The second moment was merely a flash, or sequence of flashes, that was neither comforting nor pleasant, it was something she wished she never saw, but in a way was glad she knew. It was foggy and terrifying and it was a constant reminder of how she failed to protect her friend. It was this image that really haunted her… the image of JJ being raped.

"Emily?" she felt someone shake her gently, "Emily wake up!"

She groggily opened her eyes to see Garcia standing above her "What is it?" she asked tiredly as she rubbed her eyes.

"I found her records but there was nothing interesting in them, just general school records… about grades and stuff… none of the ones we are looking for."

"What do they say?" she asked, slowly waking.

"She was an A grade student, handed in most of her work on time, got good scores on exams…"

"So a good student" Emily concluded

"Yup, a very good student"

"We already assumed that though, what else did you find?"

"Nothing, none of the 'other' records were anywhere that I could find them" she replied, emphasizing the other part.

"Meaning?" Emily asked

"Meaning they don't exist… or they are very old fashioned"

"What?" she asked confused.

"JJ started there over ten years ago, they probably hand wrote them…"

"…and haven't computerized them yet"

"So how do we find them then?" Garcia asked, unsure of how to continue.

"…We ask them"

CMCMCM

I can just hear the dun dun dun.lol

Random note:

This made up connection between JJ and Shelby I have created is playing with my mind, now almost every episode of CM I watch has some part with JJ that I think is just such a 'Shelby' moment… and every time I think about it I actually think JJ's past is Shelby's, until I remember I made it up, anyone else have that happen?

It's totally freaking me out…

PS sorry its short, but i'll update again soon.