I don't even know what to say, oh god. I'm so so sorry for the delay of this chapter. I'm just so busy with several things and everything is a bit chaotic right now. I didn't have much time to write. After this chapter, the next updates will still come slowly, but none of them will be as late as this one, I promise.

Anyway, people are asking me how long this story will be, in terms of chapters. Well, I have the whole plot detailed and sequenced already, but I can never be too sure on how it plays out when I really write it. However, my estimate for now is 50-60 chapters, so I hope you guys will stick around for that long!

Thank you so much for being patient with me, you guys. Don't worry, it'll be my summer break a month from now, and updates will be more regular then. I really appreciate the ongoing support, and I'm hoping you guys are still loving the story! Thank you so so much :)

- Sam


What the fuck am I doing? Merlin, I am so messed up.

My mind is going into overdrive about everything that has been happening. Around seven months ago, my very drunk best mate, whom I fancied, snogged me senseless and caused me to suffer rather unbearable confusion. And what do I do about it? I do the same thing to Anthony, one of the most caring people I've ever known. I was being selfish and impulsive – the very things I was mad at Sirius for being.

But then again, at least Sirius didn't sleep with me, then wake up and act like it was something he was happy about. Oh god. I shagged someone. I shagged Anthony. You know, once the universe makes you a gay werewolf born into an era of war, you'd think it would be done messing with you.

I squeeze through the crowd in the stands, craning my neck to find Peter or Lily. A couple of first years bump into me as I make my way to the seats where I see Alice and Peter looking worriedly down the pitch. When I finally reach them, Peter scoots over, his eyes still fixed down below. I take a seat next to him, and that's when I get a clearer view of the commotion.

The Gryffindors surrounding us look distressed, murmuring to each other as they watch James arguing with Madam Hooch. Alec Chang and Marlene McKinnon are backing him up, yelling as well. Dalton, the Hufflepuff captain, is standing behind Hooch, arms crossed and grinning. The rest of the players are still hovering on their brooms, watching the row from the air.

Opening my mouth, I catch myself about to ask Peter what's going on. But I decide to shut up, as I remember that I do know what's going on.

As if reading my mind, Peter nudges me and says, "Match was supposed to start around ten minutes ago, but Ashwood didn't show up. James was already pissed that he didn't meet up with them for warm ups and final strategies, but when Madam Hooch showed up, he flipped. He's going ballistic right now because he can't find a substitute for him. He's begging Madam Hooch right now for a reschedule of the match because she says that if they can't find a Seeker in the next few minutes, Hufflepuff wins by default."

"Oh," I say, feeling guilty. "I'm sure he'll show up eventually."

He snorts. "Let's hope. We're the ones who have to deal with Prongs for the next few weeks, otherwise."

I force out a laugh. "Yeah, that's true."

Suddenly, I feel a brush by my shoulder and I turn to see Lily sitting down next to me. I suddenly feel a surge of shame, even though I know she isn't aware of anything yet.

"Still no sign of him?" she asks, as she gathers her hair into a ponytail.

I shake my head, avoiding her gaze. "Where have you been?"

"McGonagall called me over. Told me to look for someone to play in Anthony's place. But I can't find anyone who's willing to in such short notice, especially under James, who looks like he's ready to hex the living daylights out of everyone. I mean, there are a few girls from fourth year who volunteered, but judging from their tryouts earlier this year, can't fly to save their lives and just have a huge crush on Potter," she adds bitterly.

I smirk. "Someone's looking more green-eyed than usual."

She frowns at me. "Shut up, will you? I'm not jealous. I'm just –"

Before she can finish, something whizzes past our heads. A red and gold blur darting towards the pitch. The sudden gust of wind it caused messes up my hair. It's only when I push my locks away from my eyes that I see why everyone around me is on their feet, cheering.

Thank Merlin he made it.

I stand up to get a better view. Anthony is zooming towards Madam Hooch, who has an exasperated expression on. Dalton looks devastated, but flies towards his post by the goals anyway. Anthony lands, facing James,looking like he's trying to apologize, but James just yells at him and points upward to where he wants Anthony to standby. Anthony, looking stressed as well, nods hastily and obeys the instructions. James mounts his broom and joins the other Chasers hovering over Madam Hooch.

"Well, won't you look at that!" a voice booms. I look at the commentator's booth a few yards away from us and see Frank with the megaphone. I distinctly hear Alice groan from Peter's other side.

"Looks like our Seeker is alive after all! And is it just me or is he looking a bit dishevelled and disoriented? What do you think, you lot? Did he almost cause Gryffindor a place in the finals because he got wasted or because he got lucky?"

My cheeks burn up as Frank earns laughter from the crowd and a scolding from McGonagall.

Anthony scowls at him from afar and holds up a middle finger.

Peter stops laughing, noticing me freeze. "What's wrong, Moony? You okay?"

"Yeah," I reply hastily, feeling uneasy. I know Frank is clueless about last night and was just kidding around, but I can't help but feel jittery at the comment.

Probably feeling the same way, Anthony glances over at me, and gives a small smile.

I wave back, not knowing how to feel, and focus back on the Chasers in time to see Madam Hooch blow her whistle and release the Quaffle.

"And the match begins!" Frank declares. "Potter immediately takes the Quaffle in Gryffindor's possession and successfully zooms past the Hufflepuff Chasers. He passes it to Chang, who dodges a Bludger….Throws it back to Potter and…And he scores! Ten points to Gryffindor!"

The crowd yells in delight and I wince at the effect it has on my worsening headache. I rub my temples and lean forward on my knees, the throbbing taking over. Trying to return my attention to the game earns me nothing but dizziness.

Lily touches my arm and asks if I'm okay and I just nod curtly, fixing my eyes on my feet.

"You sure?" she asks. "Because if you're worrying about that, then I really think you should stop torturing yourself thinking about them. Just focus on the game."

I'm about to ask what she means when I realise that she's looking at the Ravenclaw stands.

Sirius' arm is draped over The Maggot, and he's snogging her and only coming up for air when someone scores. The Maggot is giggling, as he plays with her hair, her blue eyes sparkling.

I feel like vomiting and I doubt that the hangover is entirely to blame. I know that I have no chance with Sirius. I know that The Mag- that Margaret – is a lovely girl. I know that I have to just let it go. But it isn't easy.

Sirius continues to plague my head. Every time I see him, my heart lurches…Especially when he's with her. I wish that it was just as simple as simple as falling out of love and investing my emotions into Anthony.

…Anthony. The bloke I slept with. The person I'm probably going to mess up. The one I'm dragging into all this chaos.

He's sweet and kind and, well, he actually likes me. He actually has real, legitimate feelings for me. I know that I'm taking advantage of all that but last night was a sign of my desperation . Now I don't know how to manage any of this at all. As much as I care about him and can't say I'm not attracted to him, he's just…he's not Sirius.

He isn't the boy I've cried over countless of times. He isn't the person I dream about on an almost-nightly basis. He isn't the person who stood by me throughout so many tiring years. He isn't the person who makes me feel like…like everything I've done before I met him is pointless.

I just want this to be as easy as choosing the one who actually has feelings for me. Someone I can actually talk to and have fun with. But wouldn't that be marking Anthony off as some second option?

Lily nudges me with her elbow.

"What?" I mutter, still looking off into space.

"You're missing half of the game, staring at your shoes, that's what," she hisses back.

"I miss it when you didn't care about Quidditch," I say, poking at her ribs playfully.

She scowls at me. "Whatever. We're down by sixty points, by the way."

"Michaelson passes to Ahern, dives out of Potter's way…heads straight to the goal and…she scores….Fuck!"

"LONGBOTTOM!" McGonagall shouts.

Frank grins at her. "Sorry, Professor…Potter takes the Quaffle, passes it to Barnes…Barnes throws it Chang and…Ten points to Gryffindor! That's more like it!…Oh, Merlin, it looks like Hufflepuff's Seeker, George Maldonado, has already spotted the Snitch! COME ON, ANTHONY, STEP IT UP, WILL YOU?!"

Anthony snaps to attention, glowering at Frank as he dashes after the Snitch. In no time, he's neck to neck with Maldonado, his face tense.

Frank announces more scores and saves, but neither house cheers. All eyes are on the chase for the Snitch. Hufflepuff has a good lead, probably because of James still being distracted by his anger towards Anthony, and the Hufflepuff Beaters taking advantage of Marlene's temper by aiming the Bludger at her when they can. The lead isn't that big, but it would be enough to replace Gryffindor in the final game against Slytherin if Anthony can't catch the Snitch.

For the first time, I feel myself go all clammy watching a Quidditch game. I try to convince myself that I don't want to have to deal with a very sulky James, but if I'm being honest, I know it's because all the pressure is on Anthony and I didn't want him to feel horrible if they lost. I didn't want him to have to face that, especially since he almost costed them the match by not showing up on time.

I feel remorse as I remember that this is my fault. The thought pushes me to the edge of my seat.

Anthony nimbly dodges a Bludger sent for his head, but it gives Maldonado a significant lead. The latter's outstretched hand is now maintaining a steady few inches from the Snitch. Anthony leans forward, his head now aligned with Maldonado's shoulder, but it stays that way as they both continue to gain speed.

Like the rest of the crowd, I get on my feet, not being able to stand the suspense.

Marlene is more focused now, not letting any more shots get past her. James, Sofia, and Alec keep the Quaffle in their possession, hoping to overtake Hufflepuff. But even someone who isn't well-versed in this sport, like me, knows that it's a futile attempt. Hufflepuff's lead is growing and Maldonado looks like he's only a few seconds away from getting the Snitch. The Gryffindor and Hufflepuff crowds engulf the pitch in their voices, yelling at the two Seekers. I shout at the top of my lungs as well, cheering wildly with Lily, Alice and Peter.

"ANTHONY! GET THE FUCKING SNITCH ALREADY, COME ON! COME ON!"

Heads turn and I blush, realizing that my voice just surpassed everyone else's. I even see Sirius frowning in my direction, looking surprised, and I can't blame him, seeing as this is probably the first time I've shown any interest in the sport.

As I try to ignore the attention I've attracted, I continue cheering with Lily and see that my outburst didn't go unnoticed by Anthony.

Without his pace wavering, he looks up to the stands and smirks at me. My heart beats faster, and I feel nauseous knowing that he's sparing precious seconds looking at something other than the bloody Snitch. I am about to scream at him to focus – like Alice and Lily are now doing – when he gives me one final wink, before reaching forward, his pace now tied with Maldonado's. But just when Maldonado's fingers are mere centimeters away from enclosing around the Snitch, Anthony pushes himself off his broom, falling forward.

My stomach does a violent flip and Lily shrieks. "What the bloody hell" is the only thing I manage to choke out as I watch his body collide with the ground. My face pales and a million thoughts run through my head as my hands shake uncontrollably.

I feel my heart picking up speed, as I spot him bloodstained on the grass in a fetal position.

"Oh my god, I have to go help him. I –"

"Wait, Remus, look!" Lily exclaims, as she grabs hold of my arm before I can dash off.

"Yes, Lily, I see –" I start in an exasperated voice, but it is only when I actually listen to the Gryffindors erupting in cheers and Frank's ecstatic announcements, that I actually do see.

Anthony is slowly sitting up, with a huge grin on his face, punching his fist into the air. His fist holding the Snitch.

I feel a surge of relief and, as the shock finally subsides, cheer with the rest of the Gryffindors, yelling and clapping. My chest swells with pride and it catches me off guard. Trying to focus on the Gryffindor team rejoicing (except for James who is yelling at Anthony, despite the grin the captain is obviously trying to hide), I tell myself that it's just because Anthony's one of my best mates or because he pulled off a move that gave everyone a heart attack. But as the crowd dies down and starts exiting the pitch, I watch Anthony being helped into a stretcher and realize I might be using the word "best mate" too liberally. I mean, is he still? After we...Oh, Merlin. What does that even make us now?

I definitely need to talk to him.

"Hey, you okay there, Moony?" Peter asks, poking my arm. "You keep zoning out."

"Yeah, I'm good," I lie.


After dinner, I seek refuge in my empty dorm. I can't bring myself to feel guilty for not joining James, Peter, Frank, Alice and some of the team for the celebration which they continued into the Common Room after Madam Pomfrey kicked them out of the Hospital Wing. (I am definitely not allowing myself to go near anything stronger than pumpkin juice after last night.) Besides, their loud celebrating couldn't have been good for Anthony's recovery.

Anthony.

Without a second to spare, I get up and head to James' bed. I stuff my hand under his mattress and retrieve the silvery cloak. But as I stand up and turn to the door, I freeze.

James is standing in the doorway, crossing his arms. There's an accusatory look on his face that I can't take seriously with his hair in a mess and his crooked glasses. However, before I can smile, my eyes land on what's in his clutched hand. A crumpled up sweater and the Marauders' Map, both of which I realize I left at Anthony's dorm.

"Before you explain why you're taking my cloak, will you please enlighten me as to why you're leaving the Map around?"

I blush. "What were you doing at Anthony's dorm?"

He raises his eyebrows. "I was going to ask you the same thing, especially since no one else saw you at all last night. Anyway, I was returning his gear into his trunk and found these on his bed," he adds, holding up the sweater and the Map.

My mind searches my memories in blurs and flashes. The map falling out as we moved to his bed. Anthony saying he was cold. Picking up my sweater by the door. Both of us falling asleep before he could put it on.

However, I compose myself and keep my face blank. "Oh yeah, I was studying with Anthony last night. O.W.L.s are coming up."

"You stormed out of the Common Room last night," he says, doubt dripping from his tone.

"I came back and Anthony asked me to –"

"But Frank was with Anthony all night until Anthony went up to his room, drunk off his arse," James interrupts, obviously growing more suspicious.

"Well," I continue, hiding my panic, as he slowly walks closer to me. "I mean, I tried to study with him until I realized he was drunk."

"Okay, but why does your sweater smell like alcohol?" he asks nonchalantly, but I can practically hear every assumption he has in mind.

Correct assumptions, probably.

"I just... he borrowed it and..." You'd think that someone who has kept a massive secret for the majority of his bloody lifetime would be better at lying.

James sighs and puts the sweater on his bed. "Moony, you can tell me anything. You know that, right? I'm just stressed because of almost losing by default a while ago... And that bloody stunt Anthony pulled and I don't even know what to do if he doesn't recover by next week. But before I deal with any of that, I just want to make sure you're okay... especially with Sirius yesterday."

My panic melts into a rush of affection for James. He might be a dork most of the time, but I usually can't tell whether it's relaxing or unnerving that he'd go through hell and back to make sure his friends are fine. The genuine concern he never fails to show makes me feel worse for not telling him the truth. But I know I can't. Or won't, at least.

"I am okay," I say, not sure whether I'm lying or not. "I'm used to him being a total prick." Definitely not lying.

James chuckles softly, ruffling my hair. "Right, okay."

Whether he believes me or not, it doesn't show. He just steps up closer to me and stuffs the map into my front pocket.

"But you're definitely out of the group if you lose this again," he warns, although without conviction.

I smirk at him. "Excuse me, but you guys need someone to get you out of trouble when –"

"Moony."

"Yeah?"

I look down to see his hand still fumbling in my pocket.

"What's this?" he says, pulling his hand out.

A lump in my throat forms as I see what he's holding up.

"I…I…don't remember where that came from, I mean…" I stutter miserably. Of course I remember where that came from. Finding it on the floor during the morning rush and stuffing it hastily into my pocket as I hurriedly got dressed. Making a mental note to throw it away on the way to the Quidditch pitch…And then forgetting that mental note.

James opens his mouth, then closes it. Then opens it again, in disbelief. "Okay, you definitely have to explain now."

I want to hit myself. So fucking stupid.

How can someone remember to fold their socks everyday but not to throw away a fucking condom wrapper?


Well, over an hour later, I find myself wanting to crawl into a hole and die, sitting cross-legged in front of James. We have settled ourselves in the middle of James and Sirius' beds, the tiny space between us – not enough to contain my embarrassment, definitely – making me uneasy.

As soon as I'm done speaking, James shakes his head. "I don't even know what to say, Moony."

"Then don't –"

"Anthony is gay?"

"I thought you didn't know what to say."

"How did you two even happen?"

"One question at a t-"

"And this happened last night? Where the bloody hell were his roommates?"

"Will you please let go of the fucking condom wrapper, Prongs, seriously just –"

"So, like, do you like him now or…?"

"I don't know, James, look, I'm as confused –"

"WAIT, WERE YOU THE REASON HE WAS LATE I WILL KILL YOU, REMUS JOHN LUPIN."

"I'm sorry okay, it's just that –"

"But do you realize you lost your virginity before me, like how did that even happen?"

"Wow, James, thanks that really makes me feel bet-."

"Was it good?"

"Will you please calm down?"

"I just…You and…I didn't even know he was…" James trails off, a perplexed look on his face. "Blimey, I need a drink."

"Trust me, you don't," I mutter.

James sighs, shaking his head. "So what does that you make you guys?"

Shrugging, I avoid his gaze. "I honestly don't know. I mean, we said we would talk about it after the game... But we didn't exactly know that he would get injured in the process so..."

"What about Sirius?" James asks, raising his eyebrows. He seems to be stifling a yawn, and I feel uneasy keeping him up with all of this. But really, who else am I going to talk to? As much as I trust Peter, I don't want to bring more people into this. Everything is already chaotic as it is already. And the thought of telling Lily is way too scary, considering all the hexes she's prepared to practice on me for messing it up with Anthony.

"What does Sirius have to do with this?" I ask innocently, as if Sirius doesn't have everything to do with this.

James frowns at me. "Oh come on, don't give me that. We both know that it isn't Anthony that makes this all complicated. You're still in love with Sirius..."

I suck in a breath, hating hearing that sentence aloud because the truth was easier to deal with in the privacy of my own thoughts and worries. "Maybe..."

Snorting, James rolls his eyes, starting to look irritated. "Come on..."

I sigh. "Okay, yeah, I am..." I mutter, looking down at the floor.

James groans. "Then what the fuck is this suppose to be?! Oh, Moony, what are you doing?" he says, exasperated.

"I don't know... I really don't," I mumble helplessly, still avoiding eye contact.

James takes a deep breath, and starts to fumble with the Invisibilty Cloak that now lies on the floor. "You were taking the Cloak to go visit him, weren't you?"

"Yeah," I say, nodding slowly, before adding, "although now I realize I don't really need it. Madam Pomfrey would let me in the Hospital Wing without much argument."

After looking at me intently, his shoulders relaxed. "Then go."

"What?" It is hard to believe that he isn't forcing me to stay and prevent anything from happening. "You sure?"

"Well," he starts, his expression softening. "I guess I get it. I mean, you're trying to get over Padfoot. Although I don't support your methods... maybe Anthony will be good for you. Besides, it's not like I can stop you from going anyway, can I?" he adds, with a tiny defeated smile.

"That's true," I say, grinning as I get up on my feet. I turn to the door and start to walk away when James calls me.

"Oh, and Moony?"

I face him. "Hmmm?"

He smirks and says, "Next time you decide you want to shag one of my teammates, try not to do it the night before a game, okay? Sitting on a broom gets our arses sore enough."

I hit him square on the head with one of Frank's scattered shoes, and hear him whine about it as I exit the room.


As I walk into the Hospital Wing, I see him lying on the bed nearest to the entrance. Not even bothering to close the door, I rush to him as he tries to sit up, wincing as he does so.

"Hey there," he mumbles as I hold up his back until I prop up the pillow behind him. Easing himself slowly, he leans back. "Thanks, Rem."

I take a seat on the chair next to his bed. "No problem. How are you feeling?"

He laughs. "Like crap. Can't you tell?"

Smiling, I roll eyes, although I can't deny his claim. He does look terrible. His torso is bandaged, bruises have formed on his face, cuts are scabbing over his skin, a gauze is wrapped tightly around his shoulder and his arm is in a cast.

However, he still smiles widely and his blue eyes look as bright as ever. It outweighed all the injuries. Leaning forward, I prop my elbows on the table. "I'm sorry I took a while to visit you. I needed to think things over and everything."

"And what conclusion have you arrived at?" he asks in a mock-formal voice.

"That Lily's going to kill us when she finds out about this."

Chuckling, he nods his head. "That's true...What is 'this', though?"

Sighing, I shrug, as I had hoped that he wouldn't pick up on my vague phrasing. "I don't know."

"Me neither," he says. "I like you. A lot. And I care about you... But I'm just scared at how complicated this all seems. "

Believe me, it's more complicated than you think.

"Yeah," I reply. "I care about you so much and I'm scared of you getting hurt."

"Too late for that," he says, looking at his injuries.

"Well, no one asked you to fucking jump off your broom, Anthony."

He laughs. "Well, I was falling behind! Especially because of some people being so distracting."

I grin. "I told you I'd be the one cheering the loudest."

"You said you'd be cheering when I caught the Snitch. You didn't mentioning yelling profanities at me while I was trying to focus!" he retorted.

"I'm sorry, am I that distracting?" I joke.

He smiles softly. "Yeah, you are."

I lean in, wanting to kiss him, but as I do, my mind reels from memories of Sirius. The way his lips taste, his scent, his hands on my hair.

He cups my cheek with his good hand, pulling me close and looking at me endearingly. But when I look into Anthony's eyes, I have to blink a few times before I realize that I am just imagining the silver color.

Before our lips touch, a fit of giggles echoes from outside, accompanying rapid footsteps. I think it's just one of the younger years, still finding thrill in being out of bed after hours, until I hear a different voice barking in laughter.

"That must be Sirius with Margaret again," Anthony says, catching me off guard.

"What do you mean?"

"James and the lot said they saw them disappear into an empty classroom when the team was on the way to visit me," he replies, shrugging.

I glance at the gap in the door and, sure enough, catch a glimpse of them sneaking up the staircase.

"Oh" is all I can say as I turn to face Anthony again.

"They make a cute couple," he remarks, smiling. And he really does have a gorgeous smile.

Anthony is a nice guy. He's caring and funny and actually sees me as something more than a delusional poof. He wants to be with me and me liking him back is being hindered by some bloke who never fails to hurt and undermine me. Hindered by my decision that of course nothing good can happen to me. Hindered by me being scared of how wrong it is to make Anthony the second option.

So when Anthony puts his hand back on my face, his thumb gently stroking my face, I don't wait for him to pull me in. I lean forward and kiss him, feeling him smile against my lips.

After all, now I realize that Anthony can't possibly just be the second option when Sirius was never an option at all.


Preview: "You're lucky we're in a room full of witnesses because I am very well-educated in a variety of ways I could kill you right now."