Not mine, but I'm considering trading my kids for it. It'd be easier to get Duke to clean his room.
Song for this chapter is Dream On by Aerosmith (But I accept the Neil Patrick Harris version as well.)
It was hot. Dreadfully, painfully hot. Steam everywhere, the oven glowing red. She was sweating, but it was beginning to calm, beginning to cool as Duke listened to her, bringing himself under control.
Mara could have run. Maybe should have run. Some stupid, pathetic, needy part of her made her stay. She wasn't even sure why. He didn't care about her. He kept Mara chained like a pet because he'd wanted the reminder of her. Not that Mara wanted him to care.
They kissed, stripping each other. She, Mara, had only had sex once, but Duke made Mara feel beautiful, the way he looked at her and touched her, his hands a strange mix of soft and rough. His fingers were soft, yet work-worn. He was beautiful and strange, nothing like the other humans she knew and he wanted her. He knew what she was and was still touching her. Not that she needed his approval. Not that she cared.
They had moved, Duke carrying her to lay her out on the floor. Sweating, burning inside she reached out to touch him, to wrap her arms around his neck. An old, half-forgotten feeling stirred within her, familiar though she couldn't remember its name. She stroked his hair, pulling against him, aching for him and he grabbed her wrists, pressing them to the floor where her hands curled into fists.
"It's okay, Duke." He freed one of her hands, she wrapped it around his neck.
He froze, eyes narrowing at her as his expression became a snarl. "It's okay? Okay? I don't want you! I want Audrey!"
Duke decked her, making her ear ring, his hands moving to wrap around her throat as she scrambled and scratched, trying to free herself as he choked her.
"Do you hear me?" Duke shook her by the throat, her head cracking against the floor as he took her, stealing what she'd been willing to give him.
She scratched at his hands, trying for air. She was honestly, truly afraid. Afraid like she'd been once before...
She closed her eyes, opening her mind.
"You're not Audrey, you'll never be Audrey- I don't want you, Mara, I only want Audrey, so tell me, how is anything okay, you evil, poisonous whore?!"
His body was hurting hers, hurting her badly, but Mara smiled up at him. He looked momentarily uncertain and she knew, knew without doubt. With her last bit of air, she whispered, "You can't fake Duke, William."
She closed her eyes, blocking the pain, the fear, the need for air. She remembered a song Duke had played for her during a yoga class, Silent Lucidity. The song explained the concept of Lucid Dreaming, one verse even giving rudimentary instructions.
Rudimentary was enough. She replayed the verse in her head, concentrating. Lucid. She was in control here, not him.
"Visualize your dream
Record it in the present tense
Put it into a permanent form
If you persist in your efforts
You can achieve dream control
Dream control"
She opened her eyes. She was freshly showered, damp hair still occasionally dripping onto her blue shirt as she adjusted her sleeves, pulling them far down to cover her wrists and hands to her fingers. Her eyes were heavily lined with black makeup and she had a smirk on her face.
She looked like the old Mara; fear and anger masked with bravado and indifference. William's Mara.
She examined her fingernails, leaning a hip against the counter. She was going to make Duke and Nathan start doing crosswords in bed, she decided. And more cuddling. Definitely more cuddling. They worked too hard.
"Alright, I give. How'd you know it was me?" William finally asked, sounding almost impressed, still mirthful.
Mara smiled slightly, looking at him like an insect. Like he bored her.
"Duke's a better lay."
She was deliberately coarse, purposely provoking William without being obvious.
"Funny! But you know what I think?" He was using his 'trustworthy buddy' voice, his hands in his pockets.
"I wasn't aware you did think, honestly." She yawned.
William smiled, though his fist clenched at his side and a muscle in his temple twitched. "I think you know how they feel, and are just sticking around because you're afraid. I mean, I understand- being unloved, unwanted, like some poisonous, diseased lesion they can't figure out how to remove- that's gotta hurt. It's easier to just pretend that they love you so you'll be a docile little bitch and they keep Parker. It's a sweet gig, until the day they figure out how to get rid of you."
"I saw your message, William. Still spewing Milton? I always preferred Dante."
"I saw your message, too. But then, you wanted me to."
"You've gotten good at dreamwalking. I never could get a handle on that."
"Looks as though you've picked up at least one trick." He frowned that she'd ruined his fun.
"Well, you know how it is. Some people are just more gifted than others."
She walked around as his eyes followed her hungrily. She was quiet, knowing he would have to speak soon, to fill the empty silences that made her screams reverberate in his head.
"I haven't seen you on the news yet."
She remained silent; he hadn't asked a question.
"Why haven't I seen you on the news yet? 'Cop and miscreant boytoy found dead, bastard halfbreed killed in utero.' You gotta admit, that's a headline that people would kill for. Oops, I did it again! What is appropriate grieving time for pets now?"
He didn't know yet! Dear Gods, what an unexpected boon!
She let her face crumple, forcing a tear for good measure before pointedly turning away. She touched her belly- it appeared flat, but Mara could feel the mirage, feel Ember hiding. Such a smart, smart baby.
"Oh, come on, Mara. It wasn't even pure. What would you do with a baby anyway? I wouldn't trust you with a goldfish. Besides, you look so much better- not all fat and stretched by some half-savage bastard."
"I like quotations too, William. Do you want to hear one of my favorites?" She didn't look at him, letting the Maze flare under her sleeve, hiding the light against her body.
"Sure, why not?"
She spoke softly, a musical lilt to the words, and her fingers moved like she was playing an invisible piano.
"Blood and destruction shall be so in use
And dreadful objects so familiar
That mothers shall but smile when they behold
Their infants quarter'd with the hands of war;
All pity choked with custom of fell deeds:
And Caesar's spirit, ranging for revenge,
With Ate by his side come hot from hell,
Shall in these confines with a monarch's voice
Cry 'Havoc,' and let slip the dogs of war."
As she closed her mouth, she let go, and suddenly the room was filled with the snarling of angry dogs, all descending upon William with a crash. She listened to him scream as the dogs bit and tore, and in his blind panic and pain he forgot he could just stop everything.
Mara smiled, satisfied. As she forced herself awake, she murmured, "More than one trick. Sweet Dreams, William."
Her eyes opened slowly. The room was dark, curtains pulled tight. Duke lay next to her, staring at the ceiling in rapt fascination. She felt Nathan pressed to her other side, his leg over hers.
She moved her eyes slowly, searching for what was fascinating Duke.
Stars twinkled against his bedroom ceiling, and she could see a miniature solar system rotating near one corner. "Wow. S'beautiful." Her mouth felt dry, her words a slurred, sluggish mumble.
"I don't know how it started or how to stop."
"Can teach you."
"How?"
"Water?" She begged.
He grabbed the bottle, propping her up and bringing it to her lips where she drank greedily. When she pulled back, he replaced the bottle, moving his arm so she could cuddle with her head on his chest, gazing at him with one leg still pinned under Nathan.
"Don't remember this, Duke?"
"I really don't."
She didn't have to strain, she barely had to push to find it.
"Before his mom died, Nathan's bedroom had glow stars on the ceiling and a model of the solar system hanging. You used to sneak-"
"-out and stay at Nate's. When my dad drank. I'd forgotten."
"Not completely."
"Why now?"
"You're scared and feeling vulnerable. Trying to make you feel safe."
"I'm not scared."
"Don't lie. Of course you're scared. You don't know what's going on. Maybe you're even mad at me."
"What? For what?"
"For not explaining. Didn't mean to leave you hanging."
He chuckled, turning the side lamp on low to check the I.V. "Time for the next bag."
"I don't need that. 'M fine."
"Don't lie," he retorted, "You're sick, you pushed yourself too hard so now you're going to be a good patient and not complain."
"Yes, Duke." Mara whispered as she watch him effortlessly swap the empty bag of fluids for a full one. She found, oddly, that she liked obeying their requests. Giving made her feel good.
They turned the light off and cuddled back up. Mara needed her words now.
"I'm sorry for scaring you. I thought I'd be more coherent. I don't even know how to word this without making you think I'm crazy."
"I know you're not crazy, I've had my eyes open. We live in a world of magic, where the rules of men just don't apply."
"Yes, exactly. Sometimes, either because of a unique genetic combination or happenstance or who knows why, new gods are born. There are some recognized religions that believe this. It doesn't happen often. But that's what you are, Duke. All the clashing magical energy, the sheer concentration of Troubles you were born with- something made you evolve. Ascend. You're a young god, Duke. A godling."
"Bullshit. I am no higher power."
"Why would I lie?"
Duke shrugged into the darkness.
She sighed. She was tired and she ached terribly from every muscle and joint. Her muscles kept randomly cramping from the dehydration. She wanted a massage, but more than that she wanted him to trust her. They had come so far, she'd actually been surprised and hurt when he'd said her explanation was 'Bullshit'.
"You once told Audrey that you would believe in her and in what she told you. I'll have Audrey explain. Give us a minute."
Holding her breath to try and keep silent, Mara pulled her leg free from Nathan, pushing herself up and over his sleeping body, grabbing the I.V. bag as she went; all before Duke could even try to stop her.
She hobbled to the bathroom, trying to mask her pain. She hung the I.V. bag from a towel rack, emptying her bladder as tears rolled down her cheeks. It was the hormones, certainly. It had to be. A curt dismissal, the idea that he would believe Audrey above her; these weren't tear-worthy. She didn't have the right to feel hurt. Hormones were the safest excuse.
She looked in her prescription bottle- she'd have to fill the new one tomorrow. She took an extra.
'You need to explain to Duke. He doesn't... believe me.'
'No, Mara he's just scared.'
'Symptom of a larger problem. Doesn't matter, you're awake, you can explain.'
She ran a washcloth under the hot water, very gently trying to clean the blood from her arm. What she really wanted was a shower. To scrub the touch of William from her skin.
She yanked the water on, maneuvering carefully to pull the shirt off over the bag of fluid. Then she hung the I.V. on the shower curtain rod, stepping into the hot spray, making a token effort to keep her hand and arm out of the water.
'Mara...' Audrey began as Mara washed their hair.
'Yup.'
'You're letting him get into your head again.'
'No, I'm not. This is big news, Duke has to really trust.'
She thought of William's game. About Duke's hands around her throat, hitting her head against the ground as he screamed that he only wanted Audrey. She was loathe to admit it, but it had hurt. And part of her still believed William was right; that it was a sweet gig, but only until they could get rid of her.
Audrey was trying to talk her down, but the black thoughts muffled her, drowning out everything but the thought that she would never, could never make up for the things she had done.
She scrubbed herself raw, washing her mouth as she brushed, letting the water loosen the dried blood, washing herself thoroughly.
She hadn't brought in clothes but wrapped herself in a towel, trying to dry her hair without hurting her hand. She was still soaked, wrapped in a towel staring at her reflection in revulsion when Duke came in.
"I was waiting but I got worried. What's going on? Why are you staring at yourself like that?"
Her face was twisted in disgust and she wished someone would hit her, split her lip some other way.
She could see the shape of teeth in the torn skin. It would scar, and she'd be stuck with William's bite on her lip forever. The thought made her nauseous and she gagged, dropping to her knees by the toilet and losing the water she'd drunk. At least there'd been enough time for the pills to kick in.
Her body revolted; by the time she'd stopped, her face was covered with tiny red dots- burst blood vessels. The cut on her lip had torn open and blood dripped down her chin. She raced to stem the flow with tissues. Duke had stayed to hold her hair, and she avoided his eyes.
"Let me get dressed."
She rinsed, spitting blood from her mouth and folding a fresh tissue against the tear. Keeping herself covered with the towel, she found one last pair of pajamas in her duffle bag. She eased into the soft cotton pants and slid the tank top over the I.V. bag, following the line until it was on her body, just wishing she was more covered. A sweater or a hoodie; something she could hide in.
"What's going on, Mara? Why are you upset?"
"What makes you think I'm upset, Duke?" Her voice was weary.
"You always get really quiet, like you're talking to yourself, and you cover yourself up. When you're okay you don't mind being naked."
Mara sighed. He really paid very close attention.
She didn't want to just lie, but she didn't want to seem helpless or needy.
"His teeth marks are cut into my lip."
"Mara, I want to look at you. Come here."
She turned, standing before him with her eyes downcast.
"It looks like you accidentally fixed that, sweetheart. Your lip split more while you were throwing up."
She spun for the mirror, having to grab the counter for support. It was true, the tear had extended, obliterating the awful marks. She wondered how William was getting on with his own bite problem.
Mara stared at herself in the mirror, squaring her shoulders.
No. No, William couldn't win this. Not through her, not anymore.
She wheeled on Duke, stomping forward with her eyes glaring and finger pointing. "You and I need to talk. You pick where." She grabbed her I.V. bag. "Now lead."
Eyeing her curiously, he asked, "Can you handle the living room, or do you need to lie down?"
She edged around him, marching for the living room and sitting on one end of the couch so she could face him.
"I was going to have Audrey explain, and then I realized, I shouldn't have to! I've earned your trust. I'll say whatever I have to and you're going to listen!
"I trust you more than anything in the universe. Anything! You wouldn't even believe where I've been tonight- but you had better listen to this, because Audrey's damn smart, but this is my area. Mine!
"I'm not lying or exaggerating. You're a godling, Duke. You're special, you're an unknown quantity! You're the thing he can't predict, and because you're like me, you'll listen while I explain!"
Her fury was flagging, the somnolence wrapping around her bones as her aching body protested each tiny movement. Still glaring, she tried to look strong as she sat back, her bones trying to melt inside her.
She really had to get some real rest. Eventually. But not until he listened.
"I didn't ask you to be a Guardian because you're already like me! The others, Dwight, Duke, Dave and Nathan; they need to be changed or they're going to die! Not all at once, but they will age and die, leaving us alone to protect this place! I can't think of more perfect Guardians, but if it's going to work you have to stand with me, Duke! You need to step up and take your place, and if you're afraid of being stuck with me forever, guess what? Too late!" Her head lolled back and she jerked up again.
"Uh... what was I saying?"
Duke pursed his lips, trying not to laugh. "Too late?"
Mara rolled her head back upright, blinking wildly. "Yes, too late! Tha's right, Crocker, too late, you didn't wanna get stuck with me, you shouldn't have got me pregnant! Or let me go when I offered to!"
"Yeah, well it's not the 'getting stuck with you' part that I'm having a problem with, Mara, it's the whole 'god responsibilities' part. I never wanted any part in all the Haven madness, I certainly didn't ask to be put in charge of them!"
Her eyes rolled and wheeled blindly, not even trying to follow him. "Neither did I! That's why you don't see the job in the want ads. We don't choose, we're born. Born different. Special. They need us. Hush, come here." Mara commanded him and he slid up against her, close enough to touch.
"Gods, it's a good thing you're worth it." Her eyes still moved wildly, unable to focus.
"I need help, Duke."
"Your I.V. still has awhile to go, what can I get for you?"
"Too weak. Need energy."
"Can you eat?"
Mara groaned in frustration, reaching blindly in his direction, pulling at his waistband.
"Oh! Oh, you mean you need... right. Well yeah, okay. I'm your guy."
"Shh." She lay back, drawing him down with her, tugging at his clothes. She managed to pull his shirt off before she gave up, muttering wordlessly.
He pulled his clothes off before going to work on Mara, undoing all the hard work she'd put in to dressing herself, but she didn't seem to care. Her eyes continued their mad whirling, her gaze blank as she reached for him. He settled between her thighs, rubbing teasingly against her, but Mara was too weak to do anything but moan.
"Please." Mara finally managed.
He shifted until he was pressing into her. Yes.
This is why the illusion hadn't worked on her. She knew her mind, knew the feeling her dream-self had been trying to name. When Mara had touched him she'd felt love. Love and unwavering faith, the absolute knowledge that he would never, could never hurt her. She knew the feel of him inside her and her body recognized his, craved him.
She would know Duke anywhere.
She brought her arms and legs up to hold him, and suddenly everything was frantic movement, his body responding to her need. He was panting, moaning in her ear as he moved and she opened herself, taking the strength he was so willing to share, moving back to meet him, her tongue licking at his throat.
She heard him, that groan that only came out when he was so, so close. It tightened her muscles and her eyes rolled back, squeezing him inside her. With a grunt and a long sigh Duke came with her, filling her back up.
Mara took a few minutes to catch her breath. "Thank you. I was too ill, I'm better now."
Duke chuckled, pulling her against him and kissing her face. They lay naked on his couch as they cuddled.
"I want us to do crosswords in bed." She whispered.
"Do you remember everything people say to you?"
"No. Only important people."
"You feeling okay? I'm considering pushing another bag of fluids."
She glanced at him with a smile. "If you don't remove this drip, I'm going to remove it myself."
"You wouldn't dare."
"Wanna bet? Besides, if you take it out, I'll tell you a story."
"How can I refuse an offer like that?"
