This Time

Lookin' back on my life
You know that all I see
Are things I could've changed
I could have done
No time for sad lament
A wasted life is bitter spent….

"Tell me more about your secret room," Bella prodded as I cleared away the remains of her lunch.

"Um, it's better to see it. It's really not much of a room. More like a little hole with a window to the balcony. There's an old staircase that leads into the garden as well. Maybe it was a service staircase at one point. Or a fire escape."

"So you put a bookcase in front of it? Brilliant move there, I have to say," she giggled.

"Hey, if there's a fire, I'm moving the bookcase. Not a problem, trust me." I laughed with her.

'Shit! His parents died in a house fire!' "I'm sorry Edward. That was a really insensitive thing to say...your parents?"

"It's fine...really. I didn't even make the connection."

"It never bothers you? Losing them, I mean."

"I just don't think about it. Better to focus on how fortunate I am to have Carlisle and Esme in their place. Not that my real parents are not important to me," I added quietly. "I do remember some things about them."

Bella stood and reached for my hand, pulling me over to the couch. "Tell me about them. What were they like?"

I smiled as their faces formed in my mind. "My mother had the most beautiful dark red hair. Very classy lady; think Audrey Hepburn in her prime. She had a lovely singing voice as well."

"That's where you get it...the hair too." Bella smiled with me, running her hands through my hair. Her easy contact with me made me feel like the months apart never happened. Like this was just another extended get-to-know-each-other date. "What about your dad?"

"The thing that stood out most with my father is his size. He always seemed larger than life...not just his height; it was the way he carried himself. Very confident and his presence in a room just commanded a quiet attention. It wasn't a conscious thing. People were just drawn to him."

She nodded, her fingers still in my hair. "That's where you and Em get your height. Was he built like Emmett or you?"

"Not like Emmett. But he seemed so much bigger than me...but not in an intimidating way. He was so kind and gentle for his size. They were quite beautiful together. Perfect couple. My mom with her striking hair and porcelain skin and my dad with his dark hair and emerald eyes. You couldn't help but stare when they entered a room together."

"Were they happy?" she asked softly.

"Mmm...so in love. Right 'til the end."

"And they're still together," Bella whispered as she placed a soft kiss on my cheek and laid her head on my shoulder.

"Hey, maybe they've adopted your brother."

"I'd like that. That would be very cool."

"He sounds like he's a very cool guy. My parents would be better off with him as well. They'd be disappointed with me."

"Edward, why do you say that?" Her head lifted to look me in the eyes.

I smirked at her sadly. "How can you of all people ask me that? Do you think they'd be proud of how I behaved with you? And that's not even..." That's not the worst it's been Bella. Would you understand? Really understand?

"You know, I'm kinda on my way to forgiving you. You're not helping your case Iceman." She was teasing me as she saw my mood heading south. My Bella, just the same as she'd always been.

"Your turn," I flipped it around so I wouldn't wallow. "Tell me why it is we ended up here."

"Well...this is where I grew up. All my memories are here, good and bad. I understand why my mom moved us into nowhere land, but I do miss it here. I asked my mom if we could come back, just for a visit...she freaked. That set me off. I mean, Riley's birthday passed without mention...again. So I'm thinking about him a lot. And you're gone so I can't talk to you...and so I tried... It was stupid. I should've known Renee wouldn't go for it."

"Bella, I'm sorry, but I'm lost here. I can't keep up with you."

"Sorry." She grinned and took a deep breath, tucking her legs under her as she turned to face me. "I wanted to come this weekend to visit all the places that were special to me and Riley. 'Cause he's here and we're not. He's all alone. I wanted to visit his grave on his birthday - I didn't. He was alone. This weekend is the second anniversary of his death. I don't want him to be alone. He wouldn't let me be alone."

I reached for her as the tears started and she fell into my arms. "Did you explain that to Renee? 'Cause baby, that sounds really rational."

"I did!" she sobbed against me. "She flipped out! Like, why did I want to relive the pain? Why do I thrive on pain? She doesn't get it! This isn't about pain! It's about trying to let go of the hurt inside...trying to accept why it was him and not me..."

"Bella!" That remark threw me. I hadn't seen a hint of that side of her pain. "Honey, it was an accident! He was at work...there's nothing you could have done..."

She shook her head frantically. "He was there because of me. Because he wanted to take me on the trip we'd always talked about. He took the job because it paid a lot and he'd be done on the work site before the end of summer." She struggled getting through that and stopped to take a deep breath. "He called me a few days before to tell me he'd booked it. Us, together in New York..."

"Oh Bella..." Now I saw her pain. I held her close, gently stroking her hair, kissing the top of her head. "Why didn't you tell me this before?"

"My own mother hates me for it. Why would you get it?"

Again, with her mother hating her. I knew otherwise but how could she see it so differently? I didn't want to seem to be siding with Renee so I didn't ask.

Instead, Bella volunteered the missing piece. "I heard her, the day of his funeral." Her voice was monotone, empty of emotion. Could this be what was still hidden behind the cloud I could never break through? "She and my dad were talking, crying over Riley at the chapel before the visitors arrived. Talking about how he was the child that was supposed to be something. He was the child that never caused any strife. He was the child that should have buried them in their senior years...why him?" Her gaze drifted from the spot she was staring blankly at and walked over to the window across the room. "I expected Charlie to wish it were me instead of Riley, but not Renee. Never my mother."

There was a lump that felt like a baseball in my throat and I couldn't even speak in response to her. Instead, I joined her at the window, hugging her from behind. There had to be a way to make her know that wasn't true. Renee never wished it was her...she wished it was someone else's child. That was her shame. That was why she was still medicating instead of dealing. She lost her child and wished the pain on someone else. Never Bella.

"That's the building he was working on." She pointed down the street to a tall building where he'd fallen to his death down the elevator shaft. "23rd floor. I hate that number. I can't go in an elevator. I can't be in a building that even goes that high."

She talked on and on, every little thing about Riley and his death that was hidden behind the cloud poured out and I listened and held her.

I ran her another warm bath before running out to get her some food for the room. There was a small store adjoined to the parking garage so I didn't have to go outside. It was still dusk and with the setting sun reflecting off the buildings, I didn't want to risk being exposed. Bella needed me.

And I finally admitted to myself that I needed her, just as much.

She was very relaxed, lounging on the couch in one of my t-shirts when I returned.

"I hope you don't mind. I realized that I only packed one and I can't sleep in it and wear it all weekend. You've got a few..."

I gave her a warm smile. "Bella, you can have them all if you'd like. But we will go and buy you some of your own things tomorrow. For now, I've got wraps, a salad, Coke..." I dangled the 6-pack teasingly. "And chocolate. Sorry, no burgers there."

She wore a strange expression; like she'd had when she thought I was dying. "You must be exhausted Edward," she said softly. "You do so much for me, you always did and I was a real bitch with you last night. How can you do this?"

Smirking, I set the bags down on the table. "You're all that I life for. How can I not?"

"Let me take care of you now. Would you like a bath?" She scrunched up her face, at a loss for ideas of how to take care of me. She looked adorable.

"I think I would, as a matter of fact. If you'll come in the room after I'm in? Talk to me some more? I've missed hearing your every thought."

"That's a shot at me. I talk too much, I know."

"No. No, you say everything I want to hear. Don't ever stop that, Bella - talking to me about everything. It's what made me fall for you in the first place. I love that about you."

She blushed as she led me to her bathroom. I asked her to set the temperature as she'd like, so I'd know what she was comfortable in. And after I'd immersed myself in the bubbly water, she came and sat on the side of the tub, sipping on a Coke.

"I love how you're not afraid to embrace your feminine side," she teased as I laid back among the suds. "You look much better today. Last night you were pretty rough... You actually look really really good today. You let your hair grow out. Is that your real colour now?"

I grinned and nodded. No dyes in the cave. I'd tossed the facial adornments as well. I was just plain Edward Cullen now. No more rebel punk. No more angry emo kid.

"It's beautiful. Esme was right."

"She usually is," I smiled in agreement. "I owe her a phone call. She's quite upset with me right now."

"She missed you." 'Almost as much as I did.' "She wasn't herself when you were gone. It's hard to imagine Esme without that gleam in her eye, but I saw it. She was worried."

I took in everything she said and didn't say. She still didn't trust me completely with her thoughts. But even while I wasn't around, she continued bonding with my family. She had caught on to Esme's depression with me gone. It had happened once before and I'd promised her never again. But I had broken that promise. "Bella, why did you stay in my room when I was gone? Did you think I wasn't really gone? That my whole family was lying to you?" I needed a subject change or I'd continue hating myself for letting Esme down. This seemed as good as any.

"Until I noticed the change in Esme, yeah. I did. But then after I invaded your space, I knew it was true. Things weren't right in there."

I looked on in interest. What had she seen?

"You're obsessively neat, but your room wasn't picked up. The shirt you wore that last day I saw you was on the floor. I took it by the way. I'll give it back. And you had a book on the couch. You would have finished it, but it wasn't touched. Your homework sat on your desk. You always do your homework. And it didn't change from visit to visit. You wouldn't have been so precise in your disarray if it was a farce."

She was wrong; I would have been exactly that precise. "Why did you take my shirt?"

"I sleep in it. It smelled like you...but not so much anymore," she giggled and her cheeks reddened. "That's the other shirt I packed."

Oh god, I had been so wrong in my thinking that she was over our relationship; that she got through the break-up and could move ahead without me. So wrong. She needed to know what she was getting into this time.

"I also read your journals - the ones in your bookcase. I'm sorry."

Okay, so maybe she was at the point where she'd tell me everything again. She was concerned about Tanya. "Did you read anything interesting? Or did they put you to sleep?" I smiled to let her know I wasn't upset about it. I had encouraged her to read the one at our cottage, why not the older ones?

"You were sad," she replied.

"Lonely."

"Depressed!" We spoke together and then shared a laugh.

"Who's Tanya? You wrote about her a lot."

"I showed you her picture. She's in Alaska."

"Esme's family...your cousin?"

"Sort of. But not really. We spent a lot of time together a long time ago...she used to have a crush on me. She's difficult to avoid when her mind is set on something."

"Should I be worried?" She offered a smirk that didn't disguise her jealousy. "An older woman?"

"You shouldn't spend a second worrying over that. I wasn't interested then or now."

Chewing on her lip, she avoided my eyes. "If it was a long time ago, you were just a kid. Edward, I don't want to pry, but is that part of your issue with sex?"

Shit, no. Now she was thinking I was molested. "Bella… no. There was nothing inappropriate between me and Tanya. My issues with sex, are simply what you already experienced…my lack of control." And yet, that wasn't entirely true because I did have control with female vampires. It was only humans who drove me into the animal lust I'd had that day with Bella. "I lack the ability to control my impulses when I'm with certain people, I guess." That was more truthful. "Tanya is not one of them."

"And Rosalie? You wrote about her a lot as well."

Had I? I sat upright in the tub and turned to face her. "What you don't realize is that I write when I'm bored. I get bored frequently. Many of my journals are written in the span of a few days; that's why it would appear that I'm babbling on about one person or the other, as if they're a huge factor in my life, when really it's only that they're around on those days. Understand?"

"Like how your recent ones are all about me…"

"No. Not like that at all. Those are written to capture my feelings so that I will never ever forget what you mean to me. Those weren't written out of boredom. They were written out of love. Bella," I paused as I took her hand in mine. "I know that I've lied to you, but if you believe one thing from me, let it be that I love you like no one else, ever… and forever."

She blushed as she gazed back at me, wanting to believe – truly trying to believe.

"It's good that you read them. That you noticed something like that… how I'd go on about an individual. It's good that you took notice of my unchanging room and the oddities in it. I need you to continue with that Bella. Can you do that? Keep watching for things that strike you as notable, and take note of them. There's a reason for everything Bella, and I know that you can figure it out." I'd found my solution. I would not have to reveal myself so much as I would have to let her discover the truth about my secret life. If I didn't tell her, I won't commit treason against my kind. Perhaps at least my family would be spared if we were discovered.

But at the moment, she looked baffled at my request, so I gave her my crooked smile and laid back in the tub before letting myself sink lower and lower until I was completely immersed in the bath water. I resurfaced when I felt her hand grab my arm.

"Jesus Christ! You scared the shit out of me! How can you hold your breath that long?"

I gave her a proud smile. She would catch on. I had faith in my Bella, my love.

"You should take a nap," I suggested after my soak. I had dressed in fresh clothes that had not been hunted in and tossed the ones that had. I would buy new ones before I sent them to a laundry service.

"Me? You're the one who hasn't slept! At least I did for most of the drive here."

"Uh, I think that was more 'passed out' than 'napping'," I teased. "You look a little worn out. Just have a rest, it will help."

"You too? Or do you need to be away from me for a while?" She searched my eyes for an answer.

"I won't leave your side," I smiled gently. "Come on, lay down." Drawing back the luxurious bedding, I motioned for her to climb in and then I pulled the chair over to sit beside her. My hand stroked her hair softly as she stared into my eyes.

"Thank you, Iceman. For coming back and for being here…for doing this…"

"Shhh… sleep my love. Just sleep. I'll be right here when you wake up," I vowed.

"I can't sleep! I'm so afraid that I'll wake up and discover this was all a dream. I can't take that. I can't take you leaving my life again."

"Me neither baby," I murmured against her hair. "Me neither. So, what would you like; a lullaby or a bedtime story?"

"Seriously?" she giggled as she stared at me adoringly. "Um… lullaby. I've missed your voice so much."

So I sang softly as I stroked her hair some more and I could feel her body relaxing. When my humming subsided, she turned her face to me.

"Story?"

Laughing gently, I shook my head. "You opted for the lullaby this time. That's what you get. You can choose again later." I would sing to Bella every night, if she'd let me. I would tell her every tale there was to be told, every day, if she'd let me.

Gonna find my way in life
In or out of sight
I'm still seeing things in black and white
Gonna rise straight into the light
In or out of sight
I'm gonna see the light
'Cause I know there is time

This time, this time...

(The Verve)