Thank for the reviews. Here is the last chapter.
SoFeelingTheLove Beta'd.
I own nothing.
Erin's POV
I have seen Jay as a friend, a lover, a fierce protector, a donor, but seeing him as a father is by far my favorite side of him. Jay, a guy who oozes masculinity and strength, has turned into this tender, loving being. He is attentive and caring, and the love that emanates from him is so strong, it is palpable. I didn't have a father growing up, and knowing my daughter will have the very best dad means everything.
We left the safe house a little after sundown. There's a settlement not too far from here, and Jay wanted to make sure we were inconspicuous when we began our journey north. Miss Nora is wrapped cozily to my chest in a carrier we fashioned out of bed sheets. She feels like a soft warm bag of skin and fluid against my heart.
My coat is zipped just a bit past her fuzzy head, and I can see her little cheeks blushing the color of the palest peach, while her mouth is pursed like a tiny raspberry, sucking on her tiny fist, looking as if she is determined to eat it.
"She good?" Jay stops, laying a gentle hand over the bulge under my jacket.
"Yeah, she's good. But I think she will want to eat soon," I tell him. My breasts are beginning to ache, which is another telltale sign that she needs to be fed soon.
"The next time I see a manhole, we'll climb down and take a break." When I eye him skeptically he gives me a shadow of his usual grin and adds, "I will make sure it's a good one. No stale water. No smells."
I nod. "Thank you."
"How are you doing?" He asks.
"I'm doing okay," I tell him. "But if you want to know if I'm in any kind of pain, the answer is no."
Although my labor and delivery weren't a walk in the park (the events still have dreamlike quality in my memories), I did recover fairly quickly. Breast feeding was a bit of a challenge, but we are slowly figuring that out too.
"How about your leg? I saw you massaging it a couple of miles back," I ask. His gait, I also noticed, is slow and stiff.
"It's a bit stiff," he says, running his hand over the sore spot on his thigh. "When we stop I'll try to stretch a bit."
We continue our journey and there's nothing but scrub bush and a few burned-out buildings in sight. But true to his word, Jay finds a decent manhole that I can feed Nora and we can rest up a bit. Having been stationary for the last three weeks, my muscles also feel angry that I'm on the move again, and I know they are probably busy taking vows of future immobility once we reach the warehouse.
I watch Jay stretch, and I can see the evidence of stress and pain all over his face. "That bad, uh?"
Jay tries to hide his discomfort, but his grim expression reveals his pain. "It hurts to move anything remotely connected to my right hip, which as it turns out is just about every other part of my body, including my ears," he says and his lips spread into a smile that doesn't reach his eyes.
"Inside our pack, there's a baggie with a few white pills. Natalie gave them to me for pain. Maybe you should take some. I bet it will help."
"Yeah," he says and begins rummaging through our pack as I continue to nurse a very hungry Nora. "I don't know why it's this sore." His brows draw together into confusion. "I don't remember it being this painful when we tracked to the safe house."
"Maybe it's because you didn't stretch. I'm a little sore too. We have been couch potatoes these last three weeks and our muscles are just complaining that we are up and walking again."
"I hope you're right."
He takes the pills and crouches down in front of me, and with his right index finger, he lightly strokes Nora's cheek as she suckles away at my breast.
"The unit is very excited to meet her," he says. "Most of them haven't seen a new baby like this."
"I haven't seen one since I was a child myself," I say and give Nora my pinkie finger, her little hand curls around it. "But everything is smaller than I remember."
"I've seen a few babies, but not for a few years. But it's different when I know she's mine."
Stroking Nora's soft cheeks several times more, Jay moves his finger from the baby's cheek up my bare breast and stops under my chin. Lifting my head, he gives me a short but full kiss. I lean back enough that Nora releases from my breast and she starts whimpering. Jay pulls away, looking down and smiling.
"Sorry, baby girl." He stands up, wiping his knuckles beneath his nose. "Didn't mean to interrupt your lunch. I'm still learning to share your mom with you."
I guide Nora's head forward and she latches herself quickly. A few minutes later, she is half-asleep, but still gently feeding.
"Should we stay here a bit longer and rest? We've been walking almost all night." I say. "We won't find another manhole like this to rest."
Jay thinks this over. "Is that what you want to do?"
I nod, yes. "It will give our sore muscles a bit of a rest." I mostly want him to rest his sore leg.
Jay agrees and we set up camp inside the manhole. Huddled together for warmth, we sleep.
x
We sleep most of the daylight away (always safer to travel at night), and when it's nearing sundown, we start back up. Jay's gait looks better, composed even, but I notice his gloved fingers wringing together more and more often, an outward sign of worry. As we continue to walk I notice that he is becoming strung taut as a bow. His eyes are wind open, unblinking, like he's had a shot of adrenaline.
"Is your leg still bothering you?" I ask.
"No," he shakes his head, but doesn't elaborate.
After a beat I ask, "What's on your mind?"
"Just stay behind me, okay?" He says, and his tone worries me.
I look around, but see nothing. Nothing but desolation and wasteland all around. The dimming sunlight also doesn't help either.
"Jay what's going on? What are you not telling me?"
"Just…. stay behind me, okay?" His voice is stern and final.
"Okay," I agree and my hands instinctively wrap around Nora. I walk behind him, my heart hammering against my ribcage.
We come to an abrupt stop as we realize suddenly that the overpass we are walking on has collapsed at midpoint. Rusted iron jut out from where the roadway has been severed. We stand at the edge for a moment. Feeling the cold wind whip around us, out coats fluttering in the breeze. I watch him look back from where we came from, then down.
"Do you think you can climb down?"
I look below and see that the overpass's collapsed section is now just a mountainous pile of rubble that leads to the road below. The light is dimming, but I can still see enough.
"I think so," I tell him.
He takes my hand and we start to make our way carefully down. Once we reach the road below we see no signs, just more devastation and decay. The only structure around is an abandoned gas station a few yards ahead. Probably comprehensively looted. I can see a busted car parked at one of the pumps. Like every other car, it's stripped of its tires and probably its engine.
Jay stops and stands still, listening, all his senses heightened to the extreme. He hears something, and Im beginning to hear the faintest of sounds.
"Hello? Is anybody there?" A female voice calls.
I see Jay reach for his gun, hesitates, then withdraws his hand.
I walk from behind Jay, but he stops me. I zero in where his eyes are trained and see an older woman, hunched by the side of the gas station about fifty yards ahead, muttering to herself.
"Help? Can someone help me?"
I try to get closer, but Jay stops me once more. I can see the old woman is struggling to pull something off the ground. An upturned shopping cart? It's hard to see from here.
"Should we help her?" I whisper.
Jay is visibly pale and his blue eyes are narrow, scanning. "No. Don't move," he bites the words out and his hand moved slowly to his thigh holster hidden beneath his heavy winter jacket.
And then it dawns on me. This is a trap. For a moment I forget to breathe. "Bandits?" I whisper.
Jay gives me an almost imperceptible nod, not taking his eyes off the road. Although he looks composed, I can tell he is scared out of his mind. I look down at Nora and the feeling of dread begins creeping up my spine, my neck, its fingers closing around my throat. A lone cricket creaks pathetically somewhere.
Any other day, encounters like this wouldn't have shaken me. We have the upper hand, but adding Nora to the mix has fear freshly planted and germinating in my mind. Jay, too. I've seen him nearly decimate five vagrants without breaking a sweat. Nora changed our perspective, if not our entire architecture. That reckless abandon we carried, is no longer here.
"We are not falling for the theatrics," Jay announces. His voice firm, calm, and sharp. Like the well-honed blade of a knife. "Come out and show your faces."
Thirty yards away, the scrub bushes around us come alive. Then four road brigands pounce from apparently thin air and land in front of us. They cast off their camouflage net and begin walking towards us. They look every bit as brutish and horrifying as you can imagine. One of them licks his chapped lips, revealing a mouth devoid of teeth. I zip my jacket all the way up and let my arms fall at my sides. Nora squirms, but thankfully settles.
"We don't have anything," Jay says outright. "What we do have is this." He pulls three protein bars from his pocket. "Take this and we can all be on our way."
One of the bandits lashes out and slaps Jay's hand. The protein bars spill to the ground.
"We don't want your food," he says with an unnerving glint in his eye.
"I'm telling you, we have nothing." Jay slowly bends over placing the scattered protein bars in his pack, while simultaneously showing the brigand leader the contents of our pack. "You see? We don't have anything of value."
The gang of degenerates look at each other, scoffing.
"Do you think we're some kind of stupid?" The leader, I assume, says and pulls out a pocket knife. The rest of the bandits follow suit. "Open your jackets."
I feel a cold chill run up my spine, and my body goes numb
I watch Jay slowly unzip his jackets, pulling both sides apart, careful not to show the thigh holster on the inside of his leg. "See, there's nothing. Take our food and let us be on our way. We don't want any trouble."
Jay is trying his hardest to resolve this peacefully, but I can see that this might not be possible.
The brigand leader looks Jay up and down, then points his knife towards me. "Open your jacket," he demands.
Jay stand up to his full height, obscuring me protectively from view. "She won't be doing that," he says firmly. I can see the anger bubbling inside him. His right arm tenses as his hand forms a fist. "Just take the food and go."
The leader takes a menacing step forward. "What is she hiding, uh? Is it more valuable than her life? Or yours? You're in the wrong place at the wrong time, lover boy. Look around. You are outnumbered."
He takes another step forward and so does Jay. The two men stand, face to face, though Jay towers over the deplorable man, and his grit gives him the look of a giant.
"Take the protein bars and go," Jay repeats calmly.
At that moment Nora, sensing my tension, squirms, stiffens, and releases a high pitch shriek. I freeze.
"What's that?" One of that bandits asks.
Jay looks back, further shielding me when the men begin to approach.
"It's coming from the lady," another bandit reasons as Nora's shrieks gets progressively louder.
The leader motions with his head and the gang behind him starts moving forward. "Get the girl."
Jay looks back at me, his eyes icy blue eyes telling me wordlessly to take cover.
In an instant, Jay draws his gun shooting two of the men. The loud bangs startles Nora even more and her shrieks are now loud sobbing cries. The leader looks in horror as the bodies of his cronies falls to the asphalt. His face goes pale, the blood seemingly draining from it.
The two remaining hesitate, but attack Jay at once, weapons flailing. The men swing their knives wildly, but Jay deftly sidesteps so quickly it doesn't seem like he moves at all. Jay takes his time and connects each blow. I do the only thing I can think of. I turn around and crouch down, soothing the screaming bundle attached to my chest.
I can hear Jay breaking the men apart over Nora's cries. The bandits scream, but it hardly sounds sensible, and in a few minutes it's over. I turn around and see the four bandits collapsed on the road, blood pooling out onto the asphalt.
The bandit leader, who looks horribly wounded, crawls forward, shrieking, looking up at Jay bearing down on him, silhouetted ominously by the moonlight.
"I told you to take the food and go."
The man spits blood at him and mutters a "Fuck you."
And with that, Jay runs the bandit through with his own knife. The eyes roll back as his final breath leaves him. Dead.
Jay gathers me in his arms and I'm so relieved I could cry. So I do. I weep as I cling tightly to him. He is talking to me, but I can't make out what he is saying. I look down at Nora, now that she is safe, and I notice how I'm shaking.
Jay kisses my forehead and taking off his glove, he runs his fingers over Nora's red little face. "Erin, hey, are you alright?"
"I-I'm fine. I'm just… relieved. You?" I say, padding him, checking for injuries.
"I'm good. Probably a few bruises, but I'm okay."
"Is she okay?"
"She's just startled," I say.
Jay places a lingering kiss over Nora's crown. "It's okay baby girl, everything is okay," he whispers soothingly. "Everything is okay."
We stay huddle for another minute before Jay pulls us to our feet, "C'mon we have to keep moving. The gunshots were probably heard for a few miles. We can't stay here."
We walk towards the old lady, slumped on the road, sobbing now. She cowers as we approach, certain that she's next.
Jay lifts the shopping cart and rights it. The woman watches incredulously as Jay throws a couple of protein bars inside the cart.
"Take it and go. Don't fall in with men like these. No good can come from it."
She looks at him puzzled, "Why are you doing this?"
Jay doesn't say anything. He simply takes my hand and we continue our journey north.
x
It takes us four days to get to the warehouse where most of the Refuge is settled. Alvin and a very excited Burgess are the first ones to greet us.
"Oh my God! You're really here!" Kim exclaims elatedly. Her eyes scan us up and down, and knowing what she is looking for, I simply run my hands over the little lump underneath my jacket where Nora is cozily tucked in. Her face softens and she runs her hand over the small bulge. "Can't want to see her," she whispers.
Alvin drapes his arms around my shoulder and pulls me close with a gentle squeeze. "It's good to see you kid." He peeks at the little bundle, but only sees the top of Nora's fuzzy head. "I see hair," he says with a typical Alvin grin.
Unexpected tears burn my eyes. I feel them rising and the tightness threatening to break in my chest. I hadn't realized how much I missed being among family. "It's so good see you." I say and clear my throat, and ask the question that's been at forefront of my mind. "Any news?"
Alvin draws a deep breath and exhales slowly. "Nothing yet. We combed the debris and didn't find anything."
"So you think he is out there?" I ask.
"I've known Hank for years and he is always a step ahead of us." Alvin squeezes my shoulders again and adds, "He will come back at the right time." He pauses, and I can't help but thing that eyes are, indeed, a window to the soul. Because, even though is seems confident, his eyes betray his nervousness, his uncertainty. "Now, how about we go inside where is warm," he says.
Once inside, I can see that the warehouse is not really a warehouse, but some sort of a storage building from the old world.
"This is bigger than I had imagined," Jay notes.
"It's a good transition place," Alvin notes. "But we need to find a permanent place soon."
We follow Alvin and Kim as they weave in and out of hallways until we reach a red metal door. "This way to the new bullpen," Alvin says.
I wince as the door screeches open. We walk in and the whole unit is there. Immediately, we are bombarded with hugs and kisses and congratulations. My heart grows a little softer, a little lighter.
"C'mon, let's see her," Ruzek says.
I unzip my jacket and extract the little bumble out of the improvised carrier. Our baby girl stretches her little limbs, then yawns really big. Then her rosebud face puckers, her pink lips crumples into a pout, but quickly relaxes.
Everyone gathers around, gazing at Nora in amazement. Most have never seen such small baby before.
"Everyone, meet Eleanor Lindsay Halstead," Jay says.
"She's like a little human being," Ruzek says, cautiously reaching out to touch Nora's tiny toes.
"She's a real human," Jay notes, stroking Nora's velvet head tenderly. "Even though she's a very small one."
"She's so beautiful," Kim says and the softest sigh escapes her.
"Would you like to hold her?" I ask.
"Can I?"
"Of course," I tell her and slowly relinquishing Nora to her awaiting arms. Nora turns her pink round face towards her chest and roots for a nipple. After a moment she gives up, yawns, then settles back into a peaceful snooze.
Kim holds her very tenderly and very carefully, almost like she's holding a porcelain doll. She counts her little fingers and toes, toucher her little button nose, and feels the baby-soft hair atop her little head.
"She's perfect," she tells me. And, to Jay. "So tiny. So perfect!"
"She is a beauty," Alvin says, moving in closer to get a good look at Nora.
"Good thing she looks nothing like you," Antonio remarks, nudging Jay playfully in the ribs. "She looks like her mother."
Jay laughs and meets my gaze. All proud and happy. "I'm totally okay with that."
"I don't see it," I counter. "I can't tell who she looks like, yet. Her eyes seem blue, though. But I read somewhere that all babies have blueish eyes when they are born."
"God, I can't believe you guys made a baby," Ruzek says, standing over Kim's shoulders as she rocks Nora from side to side.
"Sometimes I can't believe it either," Jay says.
"You guys are probably tired," Antonio chimes in. "We have a room set up for you guys where you can stay and rest up."
Jay pulls me close and kisses my hair. "Why don't you take Nora, while I discuss a few things with the guys."
I look up at him, and despite wanting to be part of the conversation, my tired bones desperately crave a nice warm bed right now.
"Okay," I say. "Don't take too long."
He gives me a quick kiss and I leave with Kim and Nora. Once we reach our room I watch Nora blink blindingly as she turns her head rooting around, making these little lip-smacking noises I recognized as hunger.
"I think she may be hungry," Kim says. "Sorry, Nora, I'm afraid I'm not equipped there."
Kim cuddles Nora close and breaths in her sweet, warm scent before handing her back to me. Nora roots, her mouth blindly groping, the flesh of my breast tingling with electricity as the tiny mouth finds the nipple and clamps on.
Silence falls, and the only sound we hear is Nora glugging contentedly.
Kim clear her throat. "So, tell me everything. When Natalie told us Nora was born, I was floored!"
I smile. "I guess you can say I was too! I was in complete denial the whole time. I read that when you are in labor, you have pain in your stomach, like cramps. I thought there as something wrong with me because I felt back pains. The contraction came and went and my head couldn't wrap around the fact that she was on her way. It was just too much I think for my brain to process at the time. The Aedes coming. Leaving the Refuge…"
"How was the pain? I heard it's pretty awful."
"It felt like my insides were being shredded apart."
Kim laughs. "How about Jay? Can't imagine what he was like."
"He was amazing. Very supportive. Very aware of everything. Can't imagine what I would have done without him," I say and feel my cheeks blush.
Kim smiles. "He looks different. You do too. A good different, you know?"
I nod. "I feel different."
After a beat, Kim asks, "So what's the plan? I heard the guys saying you're not staying."
I shake my head. "We can't. We have to keep Nora away. We are going up North."
Kim smiles sadly. "We'll miss you guys. Like, a lot."
"We'll miss you guys too. But we'll come back when it's safe," I say, with an assurance I don't altogether feel.
"Counting on it."
x
It's late when Jay finally comes to the room. Nora has just finished nursing (again) and she's blowing milk bubbles from her tiny lips. For the first time in a while my breasts are light, almost empty.
Jay takes Nora and is practically suffocating her with kisses. She blinks her startled blue-gray eyes up at him.
"Careful, she just ate," I warn. "I feel like that's all I'm wanted for. Food."
Jay is not listening. He is in another world with Nora, which makes me a tiny bit jealous of how she's staring up at him mesmerized. I sit back against the bed's headboard.
"Moo," I say.
Jay stops kissing Nora and looks at me. "What?"
"That was a cow joke," I explain. "I officially feel like a cow, or some dispenser of food."
"God, Erin, you're beautiful, would you stop?"
"Moo," I say again, softly.
Jay shakes his head, and after putting Nora down in her little bassinet, he comes and sits next to me. He snakes his arm around me and says, "Have I told how amazing you are?"
I blush and chew on the inside of my lip. He begins kissing my neck, and he smells so good. Heat blooms over my skin and washes through my limbs. But I feel gross, and leaky, and globular. I wish I had someone to commiserate with. It's been almost four weeks since Nora was born and I still feel so fragile and sensitive. I wonder if it's normal.
He leans in and kisses me, lips landing softly on my cheek, close to the corner of my mouth. He probably sees the momentary panic ripple across my face and pulls back and just kisses my hand. He rubs my knuckles with his thumb. "Don't worry, I'm not initiating anything. There's no rush," he says.
What did I do to deserve him?
His lips touch mine, and moves away slowly, lingering. He wraps his arm around me, and I press my head against his chest and I feel his warmth emanate through me.
Comfortable silence stretches between us for several beats before I ask, "So when do we leave?"
"I was thinking at sun down tomorrow. I don't want to run the risk of anyone seeing Nora." He exhales. "It's safer that way."
I nod, though my heart winds a notch tighter. "I'm not ready to leave. I want Nora to grow up in this community. I want her to have aunts and uncles that love her and care for her as much as we do."
He pauses to take a deep breath and a drink of water. "We are not leaving forever. We're coming back. We are going on an adventure."
"An adventure? We don't know what's out there. For all we know, there's more wasteland and desolation."
"We can't stay," he says softly. "We have to try. Plus, think of all these stories we'll tell Nora when she's older."
I smile. "You make leaving sound good."
He kisses the top of my hair. "Anything with you sounds good."
The next evening, while we drive a packed 300, the sun sits low and the sky has turned red above the horizon.
Jay turns to me and says, "A red sky at sunset usually means good luck."
I roll my eyes. "Really?"
"Yup."
"I thought it was just because the sun is low and light has to pass though much more air."
"Nope, it's good luck."
After a beat I say, raising my hand in a mock toast, "Here's to many adventures beyond the red sky."
Jay raises his hand in return. "To adventures beyond the red sky."
Thank you for reading! Epilogue will follow. Cheers!
