Dumbledore Gets Ripped a New One

By: Sheltie


I don't own Harry Potter at all

A/N: right, I got this from a reviewer. I apologize that I can't remember their name to give them their due credit. But it's thanks to them that this came about, they suggested the duo you're about to read. Not a combo I'd ever think of for this. So thank you to that person whoever they are, and again sorry for not remembering your name.


Daphne Greengrass & Luna Lovegood

"For the last time Luna that's anatomically impossible to do" Daphne said trying to keep any form of exasperation out of her voice.

"Oh Daphne, ye of little faith. There was no rule of the limbs having to be attached. I am sure Malfoy could bugger himself if there was no attachment" Luna said keeping her dreamy expression.

"Okay Luna, that's gross and how can you discuss such things like you're talking about the weather?" Daphne asked.

"It's all about the mind set Daphne, with the right one anything can happen" Luna said jovially.

Daphne shook her head. Why she thought teaming up with Luna was a good idea in the first place was beyond her. She must've inhaled some potion fumes or something. She was definitely not in her right mind. But as she thought about it Luna was the only choice.

Weasley would never work with her since to him she was the 'evil slimy Slytherin'. Granger would be too hard to work with since it appeared that the girl had some complexes that needed to be addressed. So that left Lovegood, who was close to Harry, but she could work with. It's been trying though mostly on her patience and mental state, but she'd admit Luna was quite intelligent. Though Luna's house was Ravenclaw so it shouldn't surprise her much. Just Luna's quirky personality made those around her underestimate her mostly.

Daphne wanted to help Harry for her own personal reasons as well as wanting to rid the world of Voldemort and his ilk for the future of their world.

So she talked to Luna or was it Luna talked her. She couldn't remember. Luna was so odd that at times she hadn't a clue if she was coming or going after they had a meeting.

"Now, onto Snape I believe. I think he's suffering from a severe case of the Analious suckius. It's a very dangerous disease that occurs in childhood" Luna said.

Daphne worked out the words and raised an eyebrow at it.

"It is?" she asked.

"Yes, those affected are inflicted with ever greasy hair and a bad disposition. Always sneering. Plus there's a high chance of robe billowing" Luna said clinically.

Daphne highly doubted this was an actual disease of any kind. It fitted Snape too much to a T to be an actual thing.

"Any cure for it?" she asked though humoring her fellow blond.

Luna hummed in thought. The tune she was humming was 'You Are My Sunshine', but in a dubstep. Daphne waited patiently knowing from working with Luna so far that it was best not to rush her. She had tried before and only got owlish looks from the spacy blond that made her apologize for being impatient.

"Yes, there is" Luna finally answered.

There was a pause.

"And it is?" Daphne asked clutching onto her patience.

"Hm, oh yes, the cure is a Polis Eerctus Bottomus" Luna said.

Again Daphne deciphered the words then it hit her.

"Shove a pole up his butt?" she questioned.

"Yes though there are numerous other ways. That's just a more direct way" Luna said.

"Are you sure you're not making this up?" Daphne asked.

"Why would I lie to a friend?" Luna asked as she peered at Daphne with her misty blue eyes.

"You wouldn't, you wouldn't" Daphne said backing off.

"Good, now onto Dumbledore" Luna said.

Daphne sighed and awaited what would be a strange way of taking out one of the most powerful wizards out there.

"We shall drug his lemon drops with something called LSD I believe. Yes, that sounds lovely. It cause extreme hallucinations, which would benefit us greatly" Luna said.

Daphne raised an eyebrow at this. She had never heard of such a thing and wondered if this another of Luna's creations.

"This is quite real Daphne Greengrass. The muggles were the ones to create it and it's quite potent" Luna said, her eyes quite clear as she spoke, which scared Daphne since she was used to the younger blond's misty blue quality.

"I believe you, I believe you" Daphne said.

"Goodie. Now once we have Dumbledore drugged, he'll be out of the picture. Though we'd need to make sure to be careful of the dosage. We do not wish to kill him. No, that wouldn't do at all. He must die at the hands of Snape at the end of '96. No, not Snape. Oh well, it can't be Harry who kills him since that could make Harry turn dark" Luna said as her eyes switched quickly from her normal misty blue to a silvery blue back to misty.

Daphne now wondered if Luna was some kind of Seer and what she sees was the future, or possible futures. That could explain her odd behavior. But she didn't feel like broaching the subject. It might be sensitive.

"So, we drug Dumbledore?" Daphne asked.

"Hm, yes" Luna said as she bobbed her head like she was listening to a catchy pop song.

"Okay" Daphne said as she jotted it down.

"As for Snape" Luna began.

"I thought we decided that?" Daphne asked.

"Hm, no, we didn't. We just talked about his condition, which is tragically quite severe and now un-curable" Luna said in a solemn tone, "we have yet figured out what to do with him."

"Oh, right" Daphne said feeling dumb, not a feeling she liked at all.

"Yes, now for him. I believe the most suitable method of disposal would be turning him into some kind of wooden puppet. Yes, a puppet or maybe a ventriloquist dummy. Hm, both have merit though which one would suit him best is difficult" Luna said as she tapped her finger to her bottom lip.

Daphne blinked.

"As for Thomas Riddle" Luna said.

"Wait, who?" Daphne asked not knowing that name at all.

"Oh that's his true name. You may know him as Voldemort" Luna said.

Daphne didn't flinch though that took her time to overcome.

"And how'd we'd deal with him?" she asked.

"Hm, yes, he'll be hard, but I believe the best way to deal with him is to give him an Aphrodite potion" Luna said.

"You mean an aphrodisiac potion" Daphne said.

"No, Aphrodite, the goddess of love. There are very potent potions that the goddess created and gave to select few to continue her work as her acolytes in her name" Luna said.

"And you know this how?" Daphne asked.

"Why Daphne, I read, I am a Ravenclaw" Luna said.

Daphne sighed. She hadn't heard any of this before, but she was sure Luna wasn't pulling her leg. She just knew in her gut that Luna was telling the truth.

"So, we make one of these potions and give it to Voldemort" the Ice Queen of Slytherin said.

"Yes, but we can't make it since we're not one of Aphrodite's acolytes. If we did then it would turn poisonous. We can't have that since the true potion gives the drinker a feel of pure love and Voldemort knows nothing of love and it would greatly harm, kill him given the right dose. Also the potion can't be detected by any known detection spell or charm since they aren't harmful at all" Luna said.

"Fine, we go with that" Daphne said.

"Goodie" Luna said as she clapped her hands together, "this calls for pudding."

Somehow they pulled off all they had thought up, well, Luna thought really. Daphne was amazed. The LSD worked like a charm on Dumbledore and now he was in St. Mungo's getting treatment with the medical professionals at their wit's end as to what was causing his hallucinations. None knowing about a thing in the muggle world. Snape was taken care of and now a scary ventriloquist dummy used for birthday parties. Malfoy too though Daphne didn't want to think too much about that. Finally Voldemort wasn't a problem any more either. Again Daphne couldn't believe what Luna suggested had worked at all.

"Excellent, now that's all done with you can become Lady Potter and I shall be his consort so I can continue the Lovegood line" Luna said happily.

Daphne blinked, how the heck did Luna know that was my future plan?

End


A/N: this one felt a bit more like I'm wandering, but I felt since I had Luna in this I needed to make sure I did. As many know I don't write a lot of Luna in these kinds of oneshots since she's so unique and special and I like to give myself time to display all of that uniqueness in the best way possible. This was a different change for Daphne than I've written before, hoped you liked it. Thanks for reading and please review.